


The Birth of Tragedy Out of the Spirit of Music

by corybanticGloom (lalune_et_lesetoiles)



Category: Homestuck
Genre: AU, Albino Dave, Alternate Universe - College/University, But we'll get there, Complete, Gen, M/M, Minor Eridan Ampora/Sollux Captor, Minor Rose Lalonde/Kanaya Maryam, Trans Dave, Xeno, Xenophilia, i have so many dave head canons sorry, there's gonna be hella dating of everyone with everyone else beforehand, these are the endgame ships, they're just college kids livin it up for a bit though, trans!Dave
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-20
Updated: 2016-01-06
Packaged: 2018-03-24 23:04:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 31
Words: 228,141
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3787660
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lalune_et_lesetoiles/pseuds/corybanticGloom
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Typical kid/troll college AU fic, with davekat being the central theme. Everything is told through their perspectives. Many ships fly. Many ships sink. It's a long road. We enter the story the first weekend of freshmen year, before Dave and Karkat meet. If you're looking for slow buildup, this is your game.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok so first of all I def set this at my undergrad school (sarah lawrence college wooo) because I miss the crap out of it so most of the places I talk about are real yay. Uhh also everyone is already crazy ooc but hey, what're you gonna do? Maybe I'll get better at writing them along the way. We'll see. it's also a long road till the actual davekat action, but other fun things will happen before then. get them good and cozy before we ruin them with romance. 
> 
> The title is a Nietzsche book (that i 100% have never read) mostly as an inside joke w myself bc slc is full of pretentious philosophers, and the tragedy/music thing reminds me of kk and dave woop (aka it's a dumb title but titles are hard)

“Dave, oh my god, I think some of the upper classmen just stole half the beers out of the tub!” Egbert’s all red faced, eyes hazy, looking half ready to fight and half ready to fall asleep.

“Don’t worry John, I got ‘em already.” Shit, your voice is getting a little slurred, too. But fuck, you were sober enough to stop those dicks from stealing your booze, so it’s all cool. 

“Oh, good! Grab some then, we’re next on the pong table.” He gives you a big goofy grin, stumbles back to the opposite side of the dorm where y’all have pushed together your desks to form a makeshift beer pong table. 

You grab the backpack full of cheap beer you swiped from the would-be thieves, bring most of them into the bathroom that connects yours and John’s double to the triple dorm next door. At a more traditional college, the kids sharing a toilet with you almost certainly wouldn’t be females, let alone female trolls, but Sarah Lawrence had a special way of saying “fuck the patriarchy” and “fuck xenophobia”.

“John, fill the cups. Who’re we up against?” You trip over your words a bit, point across the table threateningly. 

“You’re up against team Scourge, buddy. I hope you’re good at this game, cuz the luck’s all on our side.” At the opposite end of the table stands Vriska, one of the troll girls who lives next door. Beside her is a friend from high school, Terezi. The shorter chick apparently doesn’t move into her college for another few weeks, has been hanging out here with Vriska and her yet-to-be-seen boyfriend. 

“You wish, Vriska! Dave and I have a perfect track record! Eye to eye, let’s go, me and you.” John lines up to take the shot against Vriska. He, predictably, misses horrendously, and the troll lands the first cup. 

“Guess we’re going first, boys.” Vriska sticks out her tongue, pulls at the spider necklace around her neck. 

She and Terezi throw their balls at the same time, sink them both. 

“Balls back, bitches.” Terezi winks. You and John exchange a glance that obviously reads, “we are about to get so wrecked”. 

By the time you manage to get the ball in one of their cups, they’ve already got five of yours down. 

“Strider you got bitch cup, take off your pants.” Terezi shouts from across the table, Vriska cackling beside her. 

“Uh excuse me but what the fuck rule is that?” You ask, adjusting your glasses. 

“If middle cup is your first cup, you have to take off your pants. House rules, human boy.” Terezi explains. 

“Dude this is my house, my house rules.” You complain. Next to you, John is doubled over in laughter, mumbling something about “take off your pants Dave, take it off, take it off”. 

“Hey, the party’s in both our rooms. Strip, Dave.” Vriska demands. 

You slide off your goddamn pants, throwing them at the head of your still-laughing roommate. 

“Alright now it’s a party! Record boxers, Dave? Music nerd!” Terezi and Vriska high five each other, the crowd around y’all hooting at the scene. 

You don’t bother putting your pants on after the game is over, just clear a spot on your bed for the four of you to chat on while the pong table gets converted into a flip cup tournament. 

“So Vriska, what are the rest of your roommates like?” John is sitting real close to the girl, inebriation and first-weekend-of-college-excitement clearly egging on his flirt. 

“Vriskers doesn’t know them very well. The one with the cat spends all her time in her moirail’s room, and the other one is some rich fancy fish blood girl. Blub blub blub.” Terezi holds her hands up like gills. If you weren’t already dating John’s sister, you’d totally be getting your mack on with this troll right now. John’s got the right idea. 

That’s right, shit, Jade. You whip out your phone, check your recent texts. There’s four, all from your lady. 

GG: Hey Dave!  
GG: I hope you’re having a good first weekend at college! I wish I could be there with you and John!  
GG: I have some adorable pictures of some of the wolves we’re working with over here whenever you get online!  
GG: <3 

You’re too drunk to type out a proper response, so you send her a heart with a few extra 3’s along with a jumble of letters that you hope she can decipher as “talk to you tomorrow”. 

“Who’s that Dave, you got yourself a girlfriend?” Terezi leans in over your phone, reading your texts. 

“Hey girl, chill, I could have all kinds of smut in here, don’t want you feasting your eyes on that.” You make a show of scrolling up through your texts, none of which actually contain any porn. 

“Nice one, jackass, I’m blind, like I could read that anyway.” She punches you in the shoulder, laughs. 

“You’re dating some kid who goes here, aren’t you? Why isn’t he here?” You ask her.

“Eh, yeah, I guess. Long distance seems like it’s gonna be such a bitch, he’s already such an annoying prick.” She rolls her eyes, but you get the sense that she cares about him underneath the façade. 

“Man, I’m worried about the distance too. Never getting to see them? Fuck.” It really has been a concern of yours. Not that you’ve mentioned it to Jade. 

“I never get to see him. Two blind fuck ups in ten minutes? I’m cutting you off, Strider.” You swear the way she grabs the beer out of your hands and takes a sip of it herself is flirting. 

Man, you’re a shitty boyfriend. 

Just then, the door slams open. 

“Terezi! Terezi fucking Pyrope? I know you’re in here!” The voice is high pitched, nasal-y, and coming from the short troll who just burst through the door. 

“Speak of the fucking devil, here’s my douchebag boyfriend in the flesh. What’s wrong Karkat, can’t handle a drunk clown in your bed?” Terezi slings her arm around you, obviously trying to piss him off. It works. 

“He’s vomiting everywhere Terezi, why the fuck would you let him drink? You don’t even go here, I should be out at the fucking parties not you! And who the fuck is this prick?” The troll points at you emphatically. 

You’re completely mesmerized. You want to spend the next four years of your life making this dude’s life as annoying as possible. 

“Dave Strider, host and lady killer.” You reach your hand out, going in for the sarcastic handshake. 

“Cool it the fuck down Casanova, this is between my girlfriend, a clown, and I.” He completely disregards you, pulls a laughing Terezi away. 

Seriously, what the fuck is up with this kid? You look to John, trying to get some support on the “holy shit this troll is a miraculous train wreck” front, but he’s too busy laughing at some elaborate story Vriska is enthralled by. You sigh, knowing you’ve lost him for the evening, stand up and walk through the bathroom into Vriska’s room to try to get acquainted with some of your other suitemates. 

“Hey, Nepeta, right? I’m Dave from next door.” You smile at the girl seated on a larger troll’s lap, open the beer you grabbed on the walk by the bathtub. 

“I know silly, we met on move in day! This is Equius, my moirail! He lives across the lawn in the New Dorms.” She looks up at him, eyes a bit glazed over. 

“Feel free to take some of the booze John and I bought. My bro’s twenty one if y’all ever need a hook up, he goes here too.” You smile at her, try not to make eye contact with Equius. He kind of freaks you out. 

“Mmm, I’m just smoking tonight, but I’ll keep that in mind!” The girl smiles real big.

“You know I don’t like when you consume human drugs, Nepeta. You’re above this.” Equius looks down at her, disapproving. 

“Oh shh Equius, it’s fine! Hey, there’s Feferi! She’s my other roommate! Fef, Fef come here, meet Dave!” Nepeta hops off Equius’ lap, grabs a lavishly dressed troll with fins by the hand and sticks her in front of you. 

“Hi, I’m Feferi! Which one are you, John or Dave? I read the names off the front of your door…” She hiccups a little at the end of her sentence, leans on Nepeta for support. 

“Ha, like John could pull off the name Strider. I’m Dave, obviously. We are gonna have a bitchin’ time this year, ladies.” You put your hands on their shoulders, trying to be dramatic. Really, you were just having a little trouble standing up. 

College rocks. 

It’s 4am before the randos head home, leave you sitting on a circle on the girls’ floor with just the five of you suitemates, plus Equius. The troll chicks are passing a j back and forth, but you’re sticking to beer and making sure John does the same cuz shit, the kid gets needy when he’s cross faded. 

“Alright, so tell me how the hell you human boys ended up here. I know why all us trolls came to SLC, it’s one of what, two colleges that accept trolls? Are you two just obsessed with aliens or something?” Vriska asks. 

“Well Dave and I were obviously going to college together, we’ve been best friends forever.” John says it like it’s something normal best friends do, just follow each other across the country. It’s cute that he doesn’t realize fucked your codependent bullshit it. 

“Dave’s brother goes here, I bet that’s why they came!” Nepeta tells everyone. 

“Yeah, I mean, he talks some good shit about the school, mostly I’m here for the music program and for the not-being-racist-as-fuck thing.” You agree. 

“There are people in both our governments working to change all these restrictions. Give it a few years, trolls will be welcome on Earth, and maybe even humans on Alternia!” Feferi smiles. 

“So what’s everyone studying?” You ask. You’ve asked that about a hundred times tonight. Seems to be the go-to question for first years. 

Almost no one has an answer. Benefit of a liberal arts program, right? You’re doing music, like you said, and Feferi is hoping to concentrate in international law. You know John has no god damn idea, but is excited about one film class he signed up for. Vriska is taking some history and anthropology, and Nepeta plans on spending her time in the science building doing biology. It’s pretty evident that Equius doesn’t honestly give a shit about school and is just here for Nepeta’s sake. 

“We’re totally the cool party suite after this, guys. Had to make our name known early.” You tell them, going in for a fist bump with Vriska. 

“We should explore the rest of campus tomorrow night though. I hear the attic of Lynd house used to be a heroin den. If you pick the lock right, you can still read the writing of students who died up there.” Vriska tells you all. 

“Oh, creepy. We’re so doing that Saturday.” For such a tiny cute girl, Nepeta’s got a grin that could instill fear in the heart of any man. 

“Hey, Vriska, you’re friends with Terezi, right? What do you know about her boyfriend? He came in yelling tonight. Real fucking talker.” You’ve been thinking about him all night, really want to know what his deal is. 

“Oh, god, Karkat is such a douchebag. Can’t handle Terezi at all. She’s so far out of his league.” She tells you. 

“Aw, he seems so nice and cute from what I’ve seen of him! He just hides how much he cares!” Nepeta’s blushing, Equius giving her a pretty serious side eye. 

“Hides it by screaming? Nepeta we’ve known him for what, two days now, and he hasn’t shut up once.” Feferi sighs, sending Vriska onto her back in laughter. 

You and John eventually stumble back through the bathroom into your own dorm, where you push your beds together like dorky little kids and throw a movie on. It’s not as bad as your first night. You were both freaked out and over-excited, missing home, missing Rose and Jade, awkwardly sleeping on opposite sides of the room when you’d spent your whole lives crashing on the floor right next to each other or sharing a sofa. Passing out with a movie in-between you feels much more like home. 

John tries to wake you up for some stupid freshmen scavenger hunt the next morning, but you brush him off, sleep in till one. He left your laptop open from the night before, and a skype call from Jade is the only thing that manages to get you to pick your head up off the pillow. You answer it groggily, making sure your glasses are on right before clicking the video button.

“Hey babe, what’s good” You yawn, snuggling back down into your blankets. 

“Oh my gosh Dave, you’re just waking up? How late were you out last night?” She’s laughing, thinks your irresponsibility is adorable. 

“Yeah I guess your little bro and I got pretty drunk last night. He’s quite the ladies man you know, was getting his talk on with our troll neighbor, his hand on her thigh and shit” 

“Ew Dave stop I do not want to hear about my brother’s sex life! Are… are your beds pushed together? Oh my god, you guys are dweebs.” She laughs again. You miss her. 

“Tell me about you though, kid, how’s the wildlife internship going?” You don’t really care about her job, it honestly kind of bores the crap out of you, but you know you’re supposed to be asking. 

“Oh, god, Dave, it’s the best, I have to tell you what happened yesterday…”

She proceeds to tell you what happened yesterday for the next twenty minutes, with brief witty interjections from none other that yourself, until the bathroom door swings open abruptly. Apparently John forgot to lock it after his shower. 

“Dave! Feferi and I are going walking down the hill to Bates dining hall for lunch, come with us!” Nepeta’s clearly just gotten out of the shower, dressed in only a towel. 

“Who’s that?” Asks a worried Jade. You don’t have time to flip the computer around before Nepeta pounces onto your bed. 

“Oh my gosh does Dave have a girlfriend? Hi I’m Nepeta I live next door!” 

“Oh, uh, hey! It’s nice to meet you! Listen, I have to go anyway, maybe just call me later Dave?” 

You promise her you will, ignore the annoyed look she’s sending your way, and shoo the troll chick back into her own dorm so you can shower and get dressed, yourself. You triple check that all the doors are locked before you get naked. 

Last night you drunkenly fell asleep in your binder, which was honestly pretty irresponsible. Your ribs kind of hurt like hell now, taking it off. You check to make sure the bathroom door is locked one final time before giving yourself your daily T injection. You really aren’t in the mood to explain human gender to a bunch of troll chicks right now.

You shower quickly, doing your best not to look down. Looking down makes you feel like complete and utter shit. By the time you’re dressed and throwing your shades back on, the girls are pounding on your door. 

“Daave we’re hungry let’s go!” 

“Yeah yeah, I’m on my fucking way.” 

You notice Jade’s texted you six times since you got off skype with her. You leave your phone at home on purpose. 

\------------------------------------

It’s not that you want your matesprit and your moirail to leave. You’re obviously going to miss the hell out of both of them once your classes start and Terezi is off learning how to be a lawyer, and Gamzee is back home probably just getting high as balls. It’s just, holy shit, you want to kill them right now. 

“Terezi, can you get the FUCK out of my bathroom? There’s three people who actually live in this apartment who might want to fucking use it!” You’re fuming, she’s been in there for forty-five minutes and you know damn well she’s not doing her hair or makeup. 

“It’s okay, uh Karkat, I uh showered last night and I think Meenah left hours ago.” Tavros, your roommate, chimes in. The two of you share a bedroom, and a troll in her third year has a single in the same apartment. You like the set-up of your dorm, even though it’s kind of a shitty converted apartment building that’s far as fuck from campus. At least you have a kitchen. 

Gamzee’s out smoking on the balcony that you technically aren’t allowed on, overlooking the street six floors down. You really don’t feel like dealing with him right now. It was nice that he and Terezi drove you down here to move you in, but fuck, you just want to hang out with Tavros and meet new people. You left your hometown for a fucking reason, and it wasn’t to stay hanging out with the same good for nothing assholes. 

Terezi comes out of the disgustingly steamy bathroom a few minutes later, hair still dripping wet, and ushers Gamzee inside. 

“I think Karkat’s tired of sitting in this hot ass apartment. Let’s go get food. You’re paying, right babe?” Terezi asks you. She says “babe” like a curse word, and you roll your eyes. 

“Mind if I tag along?” Tavros smiles. 

“Yeah, whatever, let’s just fucking leave.” You don’t do so well in the heat. 

You end up grabbing sandwiches from the eating-establishment the college calls the “Pub”. It’s closer to your dorm than the larger cafeteria, and has outdoor seating that Terezi demands to use, despite the glorious air conditioning that beckons from indoors. Your friends are seated in chairs around a table, while you dangle your feet off the stone wall that serves as a bench. Your matesprit must have texted Vriska- fucking Vriska- at some point, because the creep has joined you. 

“Hey Vris! Last night was great, right? We annihilated those humans at their stupid soporiphic games.” Terezi gives Vriska a sharp-toothed smile, introduces her to Tavros, asks where her roommates are. 

“I’m meeting them on the other side of the lawn after lunch, by the swings. The human boys will be there, too. I know how you liked Dave, Terezi.” Vriska winks.

“If you could not set my matesprit up with other people while I’m in the room, that’d be fucking great.” You’d be more jealous if she didn’t have her arm around you right now. 

“Hey Karkat, you got a light for this?” Gamzee waves a joint in your face. You roll your eyes, continue to eat your sandwich doing your best to ignore the rest of these assholes. 

You get dragged along when they do, in fact, go to meet all of Vriska’s roommates, as well as the human kids next door. You seat yourself on one of the swings the campus so graciously provides students, chat with Tavros, watch your girlfriend flirt with the blonde human boy, fume silently. The two of them are in a tree fifteen feet away from you, seeing who can climb higher. You guess it’s better than when she flirts with Vriska. 

“So, uh, Karkat, your friends are leaving tonight? That’s, uh, too bad, they were fun to hang out with.” Tavros tells you, shuffling his feet on the dirt below the swing. 

“You don’t have to pretend they aren’t getting the fuck on your nerves. If I have to watch Gamzee ingest one more goddamn drug, I’ll kill himself.” Seriously, his drug problem infuriates you, but attempts to sober him up in high school ended less than pleasantly for you. 

“I don’t know, I think he’s nice.” He rubs one of his horns, embarrassed.

“That’s exactly what I find so fucking impossible about him” You’re being serious, but Tavros laughs anyway. 

“He suggested that uh, maybe he and I should go out late tonight. Give you some alone time before you uh, don’t see Terezi for uh, months.” He’s blushing, embarrassed. 

“Yeah, if that’s what you want to do.” You try to sound casual, but it comes out loud and aggressive. You’re a little terrified of being alone with Terezi. She’s been hinting that she wants to get intimate before she leaves. You aren’t so sure you want to get intimate yet.

Not that you haven’t done stuff. You’ve been dating her for six months, you’ve done plenty of stuff. Just not bulges wrapping around each other, getting all up in each other’s nooks stuff. Whatever, whatever Karkat, stop being a fucking pansy and go annoy your matesprit out of that goddamn tree. 

“Karkat! Hey, Karkat, are you done with the swing? Mind if I take it?” It’s one of Vriska’s roommates, the weird one with the cat. Nepeta? Fuck it. 

“Yeah sure knock yourself the fuck out.” You see the defeat in her eyes when you not so subtly avoid being friendly. Oh fucking well. It’s time to get in a tree. 

“Terezi get the fuck down here aren’t you here to spend time with me you selfish fucking nook weed” You reach up to grab a branch, jump into this motherfucker but- oh. Oh, oh god fucking damn it. You are too short to get into this goddamn tree, shit, shit. It’s too late. Albino creep has already noticed, is practically falling off his perch laughing. 

“You need a hand there little dude” He’s still laughing and, fucking show off that he clearly is, hangs himself backwards off the branch by his knees, long arms reaching down far enough that he totally could actually hoist you up there if you jumped to grab his hand. 

Which you will never do. 

“Like I really wanted to get up there, anyway.” Seriously Karkat, that’s the best you could come up with? 

Terezi, somewhat out of character, jumps down, puts her fingers through your belt loops, presses you up against the bark, licks your cheek. Okay, not so out of character anymore. She’s pulling her weird “I’m being sexy” bit. Sure. 

“Let’s get the fuck out of here, yeah candy blood?” She says, too loud, too close to your ear, and doesn’t really wait for a reply before calling up into the tree, “So I guess it was nice to meet you coolkid, I’ll see you next time I visit if Karkat doesn’t yell you to death first” 

So, okay, fuck, now you’re alone in your room with your matesprit, not exactly for the first time, but definitely for the first without a lusus or a sibling hovering just outside, threatening to barge in. Terezi’s adult sister had a sick habit of busting in at just the wrong moment. Pyrope girls are terrifying. 

And now there’s one on top of you, glasses off, eyes just red and open and really, really fucking close to your face. You kiss her back when her lips meet yours, because obviously. She really is incredibly attractive. You love the feel of her big hips in your hands, her monster teeth awkwardly clicking against yours when the kiss gets a little too deep. 

The girl really, really likes you topless. She likes being topless herself even more. She’s already wearing just her bra and jeans, and is working your flannel off, too. Fuck, her grub scars. They’re teal, and rough, and you fucking love running your fingers through them. O-okay, she’s unzipping her pants. Her pants are on the floor. Shit’s heating up. 

“Come on, Karkles, take off them skinny jeans. Rock my world, pretty boy.” She’s already working at your belt, has it off, has her lips on your neck before she realizes you’re freezing the fuck up. 

“Kar? What’s going on?” She stops, takes her hands off you, and places her face directly in front of yours. 

“No, it’s fine, let’s just, let’s fucking do it.” Least convincing line ever. 

“It’s the Gamzee thing still, isn’t it?” For half a second, she looks disappointed, but then she kisses you on the lips again, soft and understanding. 

“He just, I was so high Terezi, I didn’t know what I was doing, and neither did he, and it was fucking awful.” God, you hate thinking about this. 

“I know, Karkat. That shouldn’t be how your first time went.” She puts her arm around you. 

“I just want it to be better with you.” You’ve got to get out of your head. 

“Yeah, well, I’m not saying I wouldn’t do you right now if you wanted to, but it’s cool. Maybe next time I visit. Just send me like, bulge pics to get me by or something, god Vantas.” She smiles, pulls her tank top back on. 

“Oh, gross, you’re actually the most disgusting girl I know.” You button your pants back up, still feeling a bit uncomfortable. 

“Well if we’re not doing this, put on your fancy pants, Vantas. You’re taking me out on the town. I want to go to the barcade before I have to head to the other side of the country. Let’s get on a train, grab some overpriced dinner, and live it up in Manhattan.” She’s rifling through her bag, looking for a dress. You aren’t one hundred percent certain she even owns a dress. 

“TZ, we aren’t twenty one, how the fuck do you expect to get into the barcade?” You roll your eyes, but start looking for your nice pants. You know you aren’t going to win this argument. 

“With knockers like these? Karkat, we’re golden, just stick with me, okay?” 

You get home that night, early the next morning really, exhausted and drunk, having just caught the last train out of the city. You’re stumbling more than Terezi is- you always do, but she lets you lean on her in the elevator, banters about the fight the two of you got into at the dessert bar, boasts about kicking your ass at games all night. You both fall asleep with everything but your shoes on, not quite sober enough to make it entirely under the sheets. 

Gamzee wakes her up early, apologizes, but says they have to get on the road if they’re going to make it to the west coast in time for her to start school. You hug them both, tell them you’ll miss them, collapse back into bed feeling pretty much like shit. 

Fuck it Karkat. Sleep off the hangover now, deal with missing your matesprit and moirail later. 

Tavros wakes you up at 2pm with waffles and coffee he snagged from Bates. You stretch in your twin sized bed alone for the first time, relish in the space, shove food into your mouth. Shit could be worse, probably.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ha ok i am so sorry i cannot write karezi at all i am trying SO hard to take it seriously but every time i try to write them doing anything i just crack up bc i cannot see them being an actual thing sorry sorry. 
> 
> this is not going to be written very well (lol finals month) but it will be fun and will be updated regularly so we'll see how everything goes. feel free to comment i love talking to y'all, always.
> 
> also, corybanticgloom@tumblr.com let's be homies.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is short and poorly written (I have a huge exam in three hours and am procrastinating before hopping on the study train oops). There's lots of underage drinking. Brief past self-harm mention. Hmm I think that's it.

You have literally no idea what’s going on in your music theory class. Are you good at writing songs? Hell yeah. Can you play just about any instrument you want to? Of fucking course, you’re Dave Strider, basically a genius. Does any of it actually make sense to you outside of pure intuition? Apparently not. Damn lucky all the classes are so small here, so your professor has time to explain shit to you after everyone else leaves for the day. 

Today, you told the dude about how you were kind of strapped for cash, were looking for a job on campus maybe working food service or something. He told you that was dumb, that the hours were horrendous and it paid like shit, that he was going to get you a job at the music library instead. 

It’s in the same building as most of your classes. The Music Building. Funny how that works. Really though, all sarcasm aside, even though you’ve only been here a few months the Music Building is hands down already your favorite place to be. It’s old and stone and beautiful, the inside has red carpets, giant white moldings, and marble banisters running up the spiral staircase in the entry hall. Apparently it used to be some rich person’s home, back in the day. The older music students tell you it’s a rite of passage to sneak in after hours and take a bubble bath in one of the marble bathtubs upstairs. You’ve got that on your bucket list, for sure. 

But right now, you’re standing in the Music Library, looking out the giant bay windows that oversee a hill and softball field below, waiting for the upper classman in charge of hiring to return to her desk. You could totally see yourself working here. The troll at the front counter right now tells you that if you work nights, you’re usually in here alone with only the occasional student coming in to check out a book or use one of the computers. It’s not big like the main library, either, just two small rooms with a few shelves of books and CDs. Seems like a chill place to hang out and do homework. 

“Excuse me, do you need help with something?” A woman asks from behind the desk. This must be the chick you’ve been waiting for. Damn, she’s pretty hot, all dressed up just to go to work. Okay, Strider, focus. 

“Yeah I was looking to fill out an application for a job, if that’s alright.” You smile at her, try to look a little friendly behind your shades. Man, prospective employers really hate your shades, like they can’t tell you’re totally albino and actually need them or some shit. 

“You’re actually lucky then, Mr…?”

“Dave. Dave Strider.” You smile again, shake her hand. 

“Dave, alright. Under normal circumstances, this is a difficult position to get. One of the most coveted on campus. Unfortunately, we just had two employees leave the school unexpectedly. We’re in desperate need of help. I’ll ask you a few questions and, unless you answer incredibly poorly, we’ll have you training as early as tomorrow.” She’s very formal, but the tone of her voice is warm. 

“Sounds good to me.” 

“Wonderful. Before we begin, I’m Kanaya Maryam, I’m a first year graduate student in the literature program. My specialty is actually in library curating, not music. Tell me a little about yourself.” She doesn’t bother taking notes on what you’re saying, just has an actual conversation with you. Coolest boss ever. 

“Uh, I’m a first year, studying music pretty generally right now. I’ll probably focus in composition or something, we’ll see. I’ve actually vowed to avoid taking literature classes here at all costs so, I guess we don’t have that in common, but man, I’m great at the Dewey Decimal System.” You tell her, and she laughs. 

“Honestly it isn’t difficult to be qualified for this job, Dave. We have very few patrons, most people use this as a study space, so you won’t spend too much time checking books out or shelving. The primary qualifications are being friendly, and being able to use the computer system to help people find the location of books and music. Oh, and we house the cymbals and mrimbas for the music ensembles that practice on Mondays and Wednesdays.” She explains.

“So basically just be strong enough to lift cymbals and I’m set?” You clarify.

“Think you can manage? Here, our front desk assistant just switched out, and the boy who’s working now has a shift tomorrow. If you’re free at three, I can schedule him to train you then? And, oh, here’s your W-4 and I-9, just turn those into payroll over in Andrews Court, across from the Pub.” She hands you a stack of papers, walks into the other room. 

When you see the kid she’s going to have you training with, your stomach shoots into your throat. Best fucking luck ever, holy shit, the universe is full of tiny miracles. 

“Dave, this is Karkat. Karkat, would you mind training Dave tomorrow? We just hired him.” Kanaya explains. You see him- physically see him- struggle not to argue, but he eventually manages to swallow it down, tells her “yes” and nods his head until she heads back to her desk on the opposite end of the library. 

“You look so thrilled to see me, Vantas. How’s school been going for you? Haven’t seen you around since TZ was visiting.” You place your hands on his desk, just enough personal space invasion to irk him without being a total dick.

“Some of us have been a little busy with school work.” He spits out through clenched teeth. 

“Cool, well, I’ll see you tomorrow for training. Gotta go pick up supplies for our big Halloween party tomorrow night. Which you’re welcome to come to, by the way. McCracken 6. Bring that little troll dude with the huge horns, he’s great.” You leave before he has a chance to respond.

John and your three suitemates are gone when you get back to your room, so you send your roomie a quick text.  
TG: yo arent we supposed to be shopping where are you guys  
EB: Dave sorry! Vriska found someone to give us a ride.  
EB: Just throw us some money when we get back.  
TG: yeah cool  
TG: just remember to grab some condoms  
TG: for all the sex you and vriska are gonna be having  
EB: We haven’t even kissed Dave shut up  
TG: xoxo

You’d be less of a dick about if the two of them weren’t so obviously into each other. Get it over with, kids. Since you’re already on your phone, you should probably respond to all the texts Jade sent you while you were in class today. You don’t bother reading all of them, just go through the last few, catch the important bits. 

GG: So anyway I guess I’m going to apply to the exchange program.  
GG: It’d be a year on Alternia, minimum, but imagine the chance to see the lusii up close!   
GG: Okay well I guess you’re busy. Maybe I’ll talk to you later. 

TG: hey baby doll cakes  
TG: sorry I was in class till now  
TG: also landed me a job. I’m a music librarian now hell yeah  
TG: working with that kid karkat remember I told you about him, he’s such a tool  
GG: Hey, that’s good! Now you’ll have money for all that beer you buy ;P  
TG: haha hey I buy food too okay girl  
GG: hmm suure you do Dave!  
TG: anyways that’s sick you’re applying for the Alternia thing  
TG: that’s pretty far away though  
TG: you sure you’d be happy being on a whole different planet  
GG: I don’t know! I think it could be fun! It’s only a year, right?   
TG: yeah man follow your dreams reach for the stars  
GG: Dave this is serious  
TG: im being serious  
TG: follow your dreams  
TG: reach for the stars  
GG: Ugh fine sure. I have to go, we’re having a meeting.  
TG: sure call me tomorrow or something  
GG: Bye

Your chats with her have been going downhill lately. Neither of you really know what to say to each other when you aren’t in the same room, now that you’re doing such different things with your lives. Whatever, you’ll see her over winter break and shit will be better. 

The annoying thing is, you used to talk to her online all the time when you were just friends. She’s John’s older sister, left for this internship program a year before you guys finished high school, and you flirted with her for months online before finally hooking up right before coming all the way to the east coast. Shit was easy back then and you’re pretty pissed that it’s so hard now. Maybe you should talk to Rose about this. 

You sit down at your laptop, pull up some webcomics you’re trying to read through, and text her.

TG: yo rose hows it goin way over on the west coast sis  
TT: Dave, hey, what up.   
TG: just got a job and shit, waiting for egbert to come home so we can decorate for Halloween. you going out?  
TT: Yes, I’ve decided to go as an octopus.  
TG: a slutty octopus?  
TT: I’m your sister, Dave, that’s an awfully incestuous question.  
TG: that’s a yes isn’t it  
TT: Of course.   
TT: Hey, Jade texted me last night, are you two alright?  
TG: I dunno man, shit’s kinda weird  
TG: we haven’t been talking like we used to  
TG: and now she wants to move even further away?  
TG: and there’s like, a lot of fine ass at college  
TT: I told you this would happen.  
TT: Are you thinking about breaking up with her?  
TG: nah, she’s the shit  
TG: it’s just not as much fun as it used to be  
TG: do you think we should break up?  
TG: would john be pissed? oh fuck  
TT: It’s not really my place to decide. I think you should have as much fun in college as possible, whatever that means. And Dave, I think we all know the bond between you and Egbert exceeds normal sister-dating standards.  
TG: you’re so right john’s the best  
TG: what was I thinking  
TG: I guess I’ll keep you updated  
TG: wait are you seeing anyone  
TT: Oh, some girls.   
TG: some?  
TT: a few  
TG: wow my fucking twin sister is getting more ass than I am this is a disgrace  
TT: Some people have game, Strider.  
TT: I guess I just lucked out in the genetic pool.   
TG: if you fall in love you’d better bring her when you come see me over winter break  
TG: gotta introduce the wife to the family  
TT: I don’t see that happening any time soon.  
TT: Although, my date for the evening just arrived. So I’ll have to continue our chat a little later. Skype me soon, baby bro.  
TG: I’m like four minutes younger stop throwing that in my face  
TG: god damn women

You end up falling asleep before your suitemates ever get back, and John doesn’t bother disturbing you when he gets home. You don’t get up until the sun starts beating in on you through the window the next day. 2:45pm. You slept for like, twenty hours, shit. Oh, god, and you have to be at the Music Library in fifteen minutes. 

Luckily you fell asleep in your clothes again last night, so all you have to do is take a piss and do your daily T injection before you run out the door and across campus. You make it just in time, and aren’t even sweaty from the jog because you totally forgot to bring a jacket and it’s actually pretty fucking cold out. Karkat saw you coming, looks you up and down.

“Couldn’t bother putting on a new outfit today?” He rolls his eyes.

“You remember what I was wearing yesterday?” You laugh back at him.

“It’s an obnoxious shirt, it’s burned into my fucking think pan for the rest of time. Get your ass behind the counter so I can teach you how to do shit. My shift ends in half an hour and I’m not staying late because you’re too dense to learn how to scan books.” He opens up the little door behind the desk area, ushers you inside. It’s a tight space, tight enough that you have to stand shoulder to shoulder with him as he reviews the computing system with you. None if it is particularly difficult to understand. 

“Did Kanaya give you a list of my shifts?” You ask when he’s finally done explaining shit to you. God damn, is he long winded.

“Schedules right here, on the bulletin board. It’s got all our names and numbers, in case you fuck up and need someone to cover for you. Oh, god damn it, are you seriously working every single shift after me? Fucking Kanaya, I bet she did this on purpose.” He grumbles.

“Dude what’s even the big deal?” You’re laughing, but it actually kind of stings how much the kid hates you. You’ve just been teasing him this whole time, barely even know him. 

“Whatever, it doesn’t matter. Are you still having that party tonight? My nook wit roommate wants to go.” He tacks on the last sentence like he doesn’t want you thinking it’s about him, or anything.

“Yeah. We might stop at the Blue Room first.” You let him know. He’s packing up his things, and you get ready to follow him out of the building.

“The costume dance, right? My suitemate asked us to go to that. Apparently the Blue Room is some campus legend. Just looked like a piece of shit concrete sweat box when I went in there a few weekends ago.” Now that you’re standing outside, his voice is back up to it’s full range, high pitched and loud. 

“You clearly weren’t drunk enough. The Blue Room is not for the sober. Get yourself real fucked up between now and the dance. I’ll see you there?” It started to drizzle a bit while you were inside. Shit, you wish you were wearing more than your t-shirt. 

“We’ll fucking see. Oh, jesus shit, are you seriously shivering right now? Just, fuck, just take my fucking sweater, I’ll take it back from you tonight.” He huffs, ripping off one of his several layers. You zip up the black hoodie, smile.

“So you are coming tonight.” 

You swear you hear him growling as he walks away. You can’t quite place why, but it’s making you obnoxiously happy. 

\---------------------------

“Meenah, fucking, Jesus Christ can you get off my face for a second, how this shit did this end up happening? Stop, fucking god! Why are you so strong?” You’re not having a good time. Meenah has you pinned in a chair, makeup brush doing god knows what to your face while Tavros- your traitor roommate Tavros- just laughs from the next room over. 

You really were planning on skipping the Halloween festivities tonight. It’s a stupid human holiday that makes no grubbing sense. You push the troll off you, finally, look in the mirror. She’s painted whiskers on your cheeks, has your eyes done up all big to look more like a cat. The cliché is killing you. 

“I swear to god if you hand me a slutty dress with a tail I’ll cull you on the spot.” You tell her. 

“Oh cool it, cry baby. I’ve got some cute little ears you can slip on over your horns. If I could get you in a dress I would but glub knows you’re too much of a wuss to try that out. You’re tiny enough to fit into one of my shirts though. Just shut up and try all this shit on. Then you and stutters in there can come do a little fashion show for me. I’m not showing up at a dance with a bunch of losers.” Pink blood might not mean much on Earth, but Meenah sure as shit thinks of herself as a leader. 

You do put the outfit on, after a bit of argument, end up just wearing a pair of your black skinny jeans with a tail tucked through one of the belt loops. Fish girl practically shoves a mesh shirt on over your head, tells you that you look hot, doesn’t protest when you throw on some chunky bracelets to cover the more obvious scars on your arms. 

And Tavros is… a fairy? 

“Tavros what in shit fuck’s name are you right now?” You ask him, trying to do anything to keep your eyes off your frame in the mirror. 

“Pupa Pan, uh, I uh, thought you were supposed to be a movie buff?” He looks a little embarrassed. And also like an idiot in shorts and wings. Meenah thinks he’s adorable. She’s got herself covered in feathers, says she’s going as the poem “The Raven”. You think that’s dumb and a little pretentious, but Meenah’s dumb and a little fucking pretentious so it’s kind of fitting. 

You don’t argue when she wants you all to do three tequila shots before you head out. You need to be drunker for this shit. You each take a flask with you filled with more of the liquor, planning on getting real fucking wasted to make it through the evening. 

The Blue Room is on quite literally the opposite side of campus, takes the three of you twenty minutes to walk there. By the time you step through the door you can feel the alcohol burning at your cheeks, making the music ever so slightly more enticing. Meenah immediately pulls the two of you over into a group of her friends, has Tavros dancing with her. You take three swigs of your drink, try to get into the groove of the crowd. It’s packed in here, everyone touching, grinding, wasted. You take one more sip for good measure, try to throw yourself into the beat. You like concerts, why not dancing? Right? Your drunk brain tells you it’s the fucking same, and that’s good enough. 

You see him the second he walks into the room, despite the crowd. He’s just that tall and- shit, he’s wearing heels. Holy shit he’s just dressed himself in drag. You take another three swigs of tequila. Something tell you you’re going to need it. Mother fucking Dave Strider. 

He spots you right away too, give you and evil grin, waltzes over with some kid dressed as a weird clown. Oh, you know this kid. John Egbert. He’s in one of your film classes. Actually has halfway decent taste in movies, for a human. 

“Hey Karkat, wanna take this upstairs?” Dave yells into your ear. You look around at the crowd, tap Tavros on the shoulder, and the four of you saunter out the back door and up a flight of stairs. 

“Where are w- uh, ha, fuck, where the fuck are we going Strider?” You’re kind of tripping over yourself. You may or may not being completely fucking hammered. 

“Black Squirrel yo, that campus café.” 

“Uh isn’t that, uh, closed?” Tavros, alwats the Debbie Downer. 

“Pshh, Dave can pick a mean lock, right buddy haha?” John is quite obviously wasted too. Nice. 

Turns out Dave can pick a mean lock. The Black Squirrel is nestled right above the Blue Room, music echoing up from below. Dave hops over the counter- a little clumsily in his heels- and immediately starts whipping up milkshakes for everyone. You hand him your flask, and he raises an eyebrow. 

“Make ‘em all boozyy, fuckass” You grin. He almost falls over laughing. 

So, okay, Dave isn’t that fucking bad. He’s got you all up here, playing drunk pool, singing along to the bad pop music with Egbert. He’s got Tavros doing the rap sections of songs with him, and damn can he make a mean milkshake. When he suggests you all head on over to his place for their party, you and Tavros follow willingly. None of that stops you from cracking up when he busts his ass trying to walk up Bates hill in six-inch heels though. 

“Karkat didn’t think I’d see you here tonight” Vriska’s the one who answers the door when you guys get there, party already in full effect. 

“Are you a pirate again? Laame.” You’re pretty sure that’s the best insult you’ve ever come up with.

“Karkitty’s a little wasted, my bad.” Dave apologizes for you. 

“You’re the one who fell up the hill FUCKASS.” You yell at him. 

“Whats up with drunk Karkat and the word fuckass? Karkat fuckass Vantas.” Dave giggles, he actually giggles. 

“It’s a good word okay, fuckin’, let’s play some party games. I know you’ve got cards Vriska, lets Kings this shit up.” You’re here and you’re ready to party. 

“You should’ve been wasted in high school more often, I’d have liked you more.” Vriska tells you, being completely serious, as she grabs her cards. 

John has you guys playing the game in his room, sitting on the space between his and Dave’s bed. 

“Let’s all do names before we play! I’m John!” 

“D-Strides”

“Kar- hic- kat” 

“Tavros”

“Mindfang, bloodthirsty pira- ouch, don’t hit me John, take a fucking Halloween joke. Vriska, happy, human?” 

“Feferi!”

“Eridan… Now will someone please explain the rules of this absurd game to me?”

“Oh god who –hic- is this guy? The cards each have a rule, when you pick a card do the rule, fuck, it’s not that hard” You want to mother fucking play. You also want to stop slurring, but still want to keep drinking. Tough choices. 

“Do you want to explain what cards mean what, Vantas?” Vriska jeers at you.

“Nah I like Karkitty’s style let’s just role with it, if you fuck up, drink” Dave to the fucking rescue. 

You take another sip of beer. Things get kind of hazy for awhile. 

“FOUR. FLOOR. Oh shit, John, you let Vriska fucking trick you, drink, drink!” Everyone’s yelling about Vriska’s lips planted on Egbert’s face. You’re pretty sure she actually likes him, is just using the façade of “I’m doing it to win the game” to feel less embarrassed about it. Whatever. 

“Karkat your turn pick a card.” You pull one. 

“Jack. Never have I ever, bulge suckers. Three fingers up you shits. Okaay fuck, never have I haver, I mean, shit, ever, fucked a human.” Vriska and John both put fingers down. 

“Never have I ever fucked a troll” Dave says from next to you. He’s the only one to keep a finger up, keeps his eyes on you the whole time, gloating. 

“Never have I ever fallen off a roof!” John looks directly at Dave when he says that. The blonde is the only one to put down a finger. 

“Never have I ever- this isn’t fair, you’re all so lame, I’ve done so much more shit than all of you. Ugh, never have I ever been a fucking dweeb. All you boys better put down fingers.” Vriska cackles. You all do. 

“Uh, um, never have I ever got caught reading smut in class.” Tavros says. You put your final finger down. 

“I told you that in confidence you back stabbing fuckass” You grumble through a sip of beer. 

“Here we go with the fuckass again, god damn Karkat. I got a… SEVEN” Dave says dramatically, and everyone frantically points up towards the sky. 

“Oh, Fef, you were so last there!” Eridan laughs. The girl looks at both her hands, neither pointing heavenwards, one holding a beer and the other a joint. 

“Eridan I have no idea what’s going on, but I’m having the best time.” She starts laughing, and you all join in. 

You don’t remember falling asleep on the floor. You definitely don’t remember taking your pants off. You only remember where you are after three minutes of panicking with your eyes closed. Dave and John’s room. God, it smells like booze. Shit, someone’s awake. You squint your eyes open just enough to see Dave coming back into the room from a shower, in nothing but boxers and a tank top. 

“Finally awake, sleeping beauty?” He asks, quickly snapping his glasses back into place. 

“What the fuck time is it?” You reply, sitting up. Oh, god, the nausea. 

“It’s only like nine. I was too hung over to sleep more. If you wanna pass out in my bed for awhile that’s cool. John will still be asleep for hours anyway.” He offers, but you shake your head. 

“No, I’m gonna go vomit, and then I’m gonna go home.” Honesty is the best fucking policy right?

“Someone clogged the toilet last night, take a towel, puke in the shower.” He tosses a clean towel from his closet at you, and you have no problem listening to his instruction. 

When you finally come out, he’s hovering over John’s bed, snapping Polaroids of John and oh god Vriska? Are they cuddling?

“When the shit did that happen? And where’s Tavros?” You question.

“You ever so kindly let him take Vriska’s bed last night when you noticed she wouldn’t be needing it. What a gentleman you are. Uh, speaking of, you might wanna give your girlfriend a call.” He says, voice low so as not to disturb the sleeping couple in the room. 

“Oh, fuck, what the fuck did I do?” Fucking god damn it drunk Karkat. 

“I don’t really remember man, just heard you in the bathroom talking about some kismesis shit or something, and then she texted you like ninety seven times.” He tells you, tossing you your phone. 

GC: Karkat let’s not do this right now <3  
GC: I’m so drunk n so are you  
GC: But I’ve got a kismesis so you can’t say shit like that to me  
GC: Karkat?  
GC: Are you seriously going to ignore me now? Don’t be like this asshole.  
GC: Call me tomorrow dick.

“I have to go.” You just stand there though, freaking out. 

“Why don’t you take your hoodie back, it’s a little cold for a mesh shirt. And uh maybe try putting pants back on before braving the outdoors.” He hands you your sweater, and you dress yourself, embarrassed. 

“Fucking don’t tell people this shit with Terezi” You demand. 

“Nah it’s cool dude, I’m going through some shit with Jade too. Just try to chill man, kinda seems like you’re freaking her out.” He advises. 

“Maybe you’re too goddamn chill, Strider. Mind your own fucking business.” You slam the door behind you, speed walk the fifteen minute trek back to your dorm, desperately thinking of how you can fix shit with your matesprit when you have no fucking idea what you said to her in the first place. 

It kind of fucking stings that she’s got a kismesis, and you don’t know why. 

Whatever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dave and Karkat are totally already falling in love and neither of them have any idea it's happening. I think Vris/John is adorable even though they'd be terrible together, so expect more of it so so soon. Hope y'all enjoyed!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey hey! minimal editing on this one, i was just super pumped about the upd8 and wanted to get this out in the world.

You know something’s wrong when she doesn’t want you to pick her up from the airport. Not that you have a car or anything, but you were so prepared to get yourself on a train into Manhattan, bust your ass figuring out the subway system, ride that public transportation all the way to JFK, wait for her by baggage claim with a giant “Jade” sign, put her in a cab, pay the $100 it would take to get the two of you back to campus. 

But, nope, she doesn’t want that. 

You were going to go anyway, but John told you that really, probably, you shouldn’t. So now you’re just sitting your ass in your dorm room, waiting for Egbert to show up with his stupid goddamn sister that of course you had to have fucking feelings for, god you’re such an ass Dave, you knew this going to college shit would make things too hard, and you’ve been ignoring her, and now you’ve broken her heart so bad she wants to break up with you. Or something. 

TG: rose  
TG: am I about to get dumped  
TG: will someone just fucking tell me  
TT: Honestly, I don’t know. I’ve been awful at keeping in contact with Jade. I’ve been a little busy, you know. My life doesn’t actually revolve around you.   
TG: wait man that’s fuckin news to me  
TG: damn they’re fucking back  
TG: john keeps using the wrong key to try to get in  
TG: wow this is pretty embarrassing he’s been trying for awhile  
TG: should I go help him out or has it been too long  
TG: ok shit he’s got it  
TG: they’re looking at me  
TT: Dave..  
TG: shit bye

“Hey Jade. You’ve got plane hair, that’s pretty cute. Did you get your snooze on mid flight? All cuddled up against the guy next to you, drooling on his shoulder, making the poor dude wish he’d taken that god damn valium at the beginning of the flight but, shit, now it’s too late, there’s some chick curled up all over him.” What the fuck are you even talking about? 

“I, uh, I’ll see you guys later. Bye Dave!” Egbert, out. 

First, she kisses you. That’s mean. You know damn well the thing after the kiss is gonna make you wish the kiss had never happened. 

“Okay, Dave, I just, can I start by saying I really don’t want to break up?” She tells you, eyes already filling up with tears. 

“Oh. That’s actually a hell of a lot nicer than I was expecting. Okay, cool, we won’t break up, word. Let’s just make out on John’s bed. I’ll leave my boxers in there, freak him out.” Maybe changing the subject will end this shitty conversation faster. 

“I got into the internship program on Alternia. They want me to leave before Christmas.” She blurts out. 

“That’s pretty fucking soon.” You tell her, like she doesn’t know. 

“I’m going to go. For two years. It’s two years.” She’s really fucking killing you here.

“You told me it was one year on the phone. Two years is double one year.” You are not being helpful in any capacity. This conversation would be going much better if you weren’t a part of it. 

“Turns out I have an impressive resume.” She smiles, sheepishly. 

“That’s, honestly Jade, that’s amazing. You’re incredible, and so much smarter than I’ll ever be, and you’re going to change the crap out of the world.” You tell her, honestly. 

“So, what does this mean for us?” She had to fucking ask. 

“I can’t do this Jade.” You didn’t really know you were going to say it until it was happening, and then, suddenly, it seemed like the only fucking option you’d ever had at all. 

“We could make it work, Dave. Skype, and, we talked so much online when you were still in high school! It’s only two years!” She’s yelling at you a little bit, not so much asking you these questions as she is telling you exactly why you’re a douche for just giving up. 

“Jade I’m not even happy now.” Maybe you should be a little less honest. 

“Yeah, well, I was. Even though you were doing a real shitty job at being a long distance boyfriend, I was still happy.” She’s really shouting now. 

“I don’t really know what you want me to tell you. If I could be like, that knight in shining armor for you, I’d do it man, get myself up on a horse and ride you to Alternia myself, fight off those monster parents while you work on all the vet tech equipment, but shit, Jade, I can’t, I don’t want to. I feel like an asshole, okay? You’re my best friend’s hot sister. I mean, girl, check that ass. And those locks? Don’t think I didn’t notice you took out your braids and got locks, that’s hot as fuck, okay?” Keep complimenting her, just keep saying nice shit, maybe she’ll forget how much you suck. 

“You don’t love me, do you?” She says it like she already knows you don’t. 

You didn’t even know you didn’t till she said it. God damn. You don’t say anything. Just stand there, look at her through your shades, deepen your frown a bit. 

“Yeah, well, okay. That’s honestly pretty shitty, to get into a relationship with someone you’ve known for sixteen years when you don’t even love them, thanks for that Dave.” Man, she’s furious. 

“Jade, how the fuck was I supposed to know you… I mean, okay, maybe I should have known, but I didn’t know. Fuck.” You’re goddamn speechless here. 

“Since you couldn’t figure it out I had to fly all the way out here to make you break up with me, so maybe you can find somewhere else to sleep until my plane leaves in two days.” She crosses her arms. You can tell she’s trying her damnedest not to cry. 

“Man I was looking forward to hanging out with you, Jade. I really have missed you.” You tell her, being totally honest.

“You just broke up with me Dave! Are you kidding me?! I’m trying to be nice here, okay, but you’re kind of a total ass! Can you just, get out, leave me alone for a while? I’m trying really hard not to hate you here but you aren’t making it easy!” She grabs her forehead, clearly stressing the fuck out. 

“Yeah, Jade, okay. Jade, I’m sorry, okay? I really do wish I could be the guy you want me to be.” You’re already packing a bag full of all your essentials, not really sure where you’re planning on going with it. 

“I wish you could be, too.” 

“Can you just, will you let me say goodbye before you leave? I can’t, I know you’re pissed now, but can this not be how we leave each other for two years?” You ask her, kind of desperate. You’re getting a little emotional. 

“Yeah. I’ll text you.” She’s still standing in the same spot, hasn’t moved a muscle. 

“I’ll just, gotta pee, I’ll leave through the girls’ room. I- I’m sorry, Jade.” You want to hug her, but don’t. You just shuffle right on into the bathroom, walk over to the sink, splash some water on your face. 

You barely have the faucet turned off when three way-too-excited faces pop in from the opposite door. Really, you’ve got to start remembering to lock that knob, fucking nosey ass neighbor chicks. 

“Dave, we heard what happened, are you okay? That seemed awful!” Nepeta speaks first, shoving herself past her roommates and into the bathroom, where she hugs you and refuses to let go. 

“Not that we were listening! She’s just, she was very loud. You really pissed her off, Dave.” Feferi comments, placing a hand on your shoulder. 

“I’m pretty impressed she was able to shut you up. I’d ask you to introduce us, if circumstances were different.” Vriska just smiles at you. 

“Guys, I’m fine, I’m the one who did the breaking up, it’s my fault. No big deal. Kind of need a place to stay though. She kicked me out.” You tell them. 

“Kicked you out of your own house? Seriously, I’m going in there to meet her.” Vriska laughs, actually makes a move to walk through the door to your room. 

“Vriska! Dave needs us right meow! Haven’t you ever been through a breakup?” Nepeta scolds her.

“Nah, I’m usually the heartbreaker.” The blue blood grins. 

“I’d offer to let you stay with us, Dave, but she probably wouldn’t be the most happy about you dumping her and moving in with the girls next door.” Feferi says. Shit. Good point. 

“So where am I supposed to go? I mean, I guess I could probably crash in the Music Building if I had to…” You begin thinking that through. You’re fast enough to evade security, it’s got bathtubs, and hey, who needs a bed right? It’s only two days. 

“What about Equius?” Nepeta suggests. The idea makes you literally shiver. 

“I know you love the kid, but he really gives me the creeps.” You tell her, and she just sort of solemnly nods. 

“There’s always Vantas.” Vriska’s smirking again. 

“He’d fucking hate that. Oh, shit, he would hate that. Yeah that’s exactly what I’m gonna do. That was such a solid idea Vriska, thanks. Now, uh, if you three wouldn’t mind, I really do have to piss. And hey, no bugging Jade after I leave. Looking at you, Serket. She’s emotionally compromised. Can’t handle your shit right now.” You lay down some ground rules. 

“You all think I’m so awful, jeez, what have I ever done to any of you? Well, okay, come on, everyone makes mistakes guys. Guys? Feferi?” Vriska’s still arguing with her roommates about the content of her character when you shoo them out. Time to text Karkat. 

TG: sos  
TG: emergency  
TG: help   
TG: wow do you not care if I’m dying or something that’s good to know  
CG: I JUST KNOW YOU’RE BEING DRAMATIC  
TG: jesus caps lock much  
CG: THIS IS HOW I TYPE DIP SHIT  
TG: oh right of course  
TG: that makes perfect sense  
TG: sometimes you just have to yell literally everything you say  
TG: oh shit  
TG: that is what you do  
TG: wow suddenly everything about you makes perfect sense  
CG: WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT  
TG: are you home right now  
CG: YES DAVE I’M ATTEMPTING TO FINISH MY CONFERENCE PROJECTS FOR THE SEMESTER, I STILL HAVE TWO THIRTY PAGE PAPERS TO COMPLETE SO IF YOU COULD SHUT YOUR MOUTH TRAP FOR THREE SECONDS AND LET ME GET BACK TO THEM IT WOULD BE GREATLY FUCKING APPRECIATED   
TG: word I’m coming over  
CG: WHAT THE SHIT

You spend the entire walk over thinking about your first date with Jade. Six months ago, in the heat of June, you’d driven over to her and John’s place in your now-retired minivan, ignored John’s laughter from the porch as the pretty girl got in your car. She hadn’t gotten her box braids yet, and holy hell you loved her hair natural. It’s how she wore it the entire time you were growing up with her, so there was something nostalgic about it, made you think of the time you had to cut her out of a swing when she’d gotten tangled up in it, or when you and John came home to find Jade desperately trying to curl Rose’s hair up the same way. 

Your first date was cliché as hell, mostly on purpose, for irony’s sake. You took her to the movies and the chick forgot her ID so you had to sneak her into the R rated film y’all had your hearts set on, which turned out to be horrible. You almost held hands in the theater but didn’t, quite. Spent more time throwing popcorn at her, being hushed repeatedly by the only other dude in the theater. 

You kissed her for the first time outside your car in the parking lot, and she smiled and told you she had great news, she’d set up plans to sleep over with Rose tonight so the two of you could keep hanging out. Maybe she’d even sneak into your bedroom. You told her, shit, that was a good plan, except I did the same thing with John. The two of you laughed, bought some coffee, finished up the rest of your popcorn on the hood of your van. You kissed her for the second time outside your house, all three of your god awful siblings coming out to mock you. Then you drove to John’s who gave you a speech about not breaking her heart, and then cried about how great it was you would actually be brothers one day. 

You really fucked that up, huh? 

Before you knock on Karkat’s door, you send a quick text to your best bro. 

TG: hey man, Jade probably told you, but she’s gonna crash at ours   
TG: I’m staying at Karkat’s   
TG: I hope you’re not pissed at me, but its cool if you are, I get it  
TG: is she okay dude?  
EB: She’ll be ok  
EB: I’m not mad at you Dave! I wish you hadn’t made my sister cry, but I know you didn’t do it on purpose.   
EB: Right?  
TG: nah man I really didn’t see this coming  
EB: Are you okay?  
TG: fucking golden like an egg fresh out of a goose  
EB: I’ll see you in a few days? Tell Karkat I say hi! 

And then, to Karkat:

TG: yo I’m here

You hear him stomping across the floor, and then the door swings open. 

“You can’t knock like a normal person?” He squints his eyes at you, steps over to the side to let you in.

“You could be nicer to a bro in a bind, Karkat. Came here all needing of rescue, got my princess face on, and what do I get? This shit Karkat, you give me this shit.” You walk inside, throw your bag on the sofa. 

“What the fuck are you going on about now?” He asks, sitting down. 

“Kinda got myself kicked out of my room.” You explain, joining him.

“Holy hell Strider what the hell did you do to piss Egbert off enough to kick you out? I know you’re annoying as hell but it’s John for fuck’s sake.” He’s laughing, thinks this shit is hilarious. 

“Wasn’t about John. His sister kicked me out. I sort of dumped her I guess.” When you said it, you honestly weren’t expecting him to literally fall off the sofa cracking up, but there the motherfucker is, on the floor, getting off on your pain, “Wow didn’t realize my shitty love life was such a knee jerker, guess I should start writing my stand up fucking comedy routine now.” 

“Oh, fuck, Dave, I’m sorry, but shit, you got kicked out of your room by your girlfriend? Holy shit, this is too good.” He’s still sitting on the floor, grabbing his knees, laughing his ass off. You’re gonna kill him. 

“So me and my broken heart are gonna crash here for a few days.” You tell him. 

“Broken heart? Aren’t you the one who dumped her?” He asks when he’s finally recovered from his little fit on the floor.

“She’s moving to Alternia dude. I can’t date someone on a different literal planet.” Maybe Karkat isn’t the person you should be talking to about this. Sure, you hang out with him at the Music Library all the time, but you spend most of your time together making fun of each other, pissing each other off. You should’ve waited for Tavros to get home or something. 

“Oh, shit, that’s actually really terrible Dave. Are you, okay, or, whatever?” He sits back on the couch, looks at you like he might actually care.

“I’ll get over it. Can we just like, play some videogames or something?” You ask, looking at his N64. 

“I was actually being serious about all the conference work I have to do. Don’t you have a bunch of shit you need to be finishing for your classes too?” He tells you. 

“Fuck are you really going to make me study with you? Lame, Vantas.” You groan. You’ve got two projects to finish though, so maybe it’s not the worst thing that Karkat is vaguely responsible. 

“And just for the record, I know you’re emotionally unstable right now, but the second you get your shit together, please let me know so I can tell you what a grub munching bulge face you are for inviting yourself to crash on my couch.” He glares at you, serious. 

“Let’s just go with I’ll never be over it then. And, hey, crashing on the couch? You mean I don’t get to be your snuggle buddy Karkat? You don’t want me curled up next to you all night, whispering sweet nothings in your ear?” You follow him into his bedroom with your laptop, both of you getting ready to do some intense essay writing. 

“Unlike you, I still have a girlfriend.” 

“Oh my god I’m a worse boyfriend than Karkat fucking Vantas, shit, that hurts, that really hurts.” 

“Do you want to be homeless for the next three days or what?” 

You shut up, because he’s totally serious. 

\-----------------------------------------

You’re a little wary about leaving Dave alone in your apartment. He’s going to go through your shit. You know he is. Even with Tavros there “keeping in eye on him”, you know damn well their weird shitty rap battle is going to turn into rifling through all your papers. Oh, fuck, oh sweet fuck, does he know the password to your computer? God you hope he doesn’t find your writing folder. But he will. Fucking of course he will, damn it Vantas, how the shit could you leave him with your laptop? You had to go to Sollux’s to finish the project for your computer class, though.

The only reason you even met Sollux as more than an auxiliary person in one of your classes is thanks to Tavros. The little weirdo is in some embarrassing role-playing club with Sollux’s girlfriend, and the three of them hang out all the time. You’re actually pretty fucking lucky that it happened. You’re kind of complete shit at programming, and Sollux is, well, a genius. You managed to snag the best partner in class. You really just have to sit there and talk to him while he programs, and he writes your name on the project. Not that you don’t try to help, but it usually just results in him laughing at you. Half the reason you like the kid is because he’s a bigger asshole than you are. 

He and Aradia are making out on his bed when you come in. Gross, but fucking typical. He somehow managed to snag himself a single as a first year, made some bullshit claim about how his psiionics are a danger to others when he’s sleeping. You know he’s a liar, but the humans who run the school don’t. 

“Want to hop off each other for one second so we can get some shit done.” You grumble, plopping yourself on the bed pointedly next to them.

“Don’t be jealous asshole. Besides, all you have to do is look at everything I’ve already done, freeloader.” He spits back. 

“It’s actually a pretty cool game, Karkat. Sollux tells me you came up with the idea for it. He might be good at programing, but he kind of has a shit imagination. The ghosts at the end were a great touch.” Aradia smiles at you. 

“Take his side, fine.” Sollux lisps at her. 

“Jesus shit just take your hands off her thigh and show me already.” You respond, and he grumbles, but complies. 

It’s going to be, by far, the best project in the class, and you went over all the coding to make sure you understand it well enough to explain to the professor during your presentation. The three of you decide to order takeout and play some Mortal Combat, mostly because it’s the one game you and Aradia can both kick Sollux’s ass at. You’ve been there for about three hours when you hear your phone vibrating. Terezi. Shit. 

GC: So are you still being a jealous asshole or what?  
CG: I’M NOT BEING JEALOUS I TOLD YOU I WAS FINE WITH THE KISMESIS SHIT  
GC: Then why aren’t you talking to him Karkat? He’s really upset.  
CG: SO YOU’VE BEEN TALKING TO HIM ALL DAY, BUT NOT ME?  
GC: Are you serious right now? I do talk to other people Karkat.   
GC: You’re obviously not okay with this.   
GC: Karkat? 

“Is that your matesprit? Is she still blackrom hooking up with your moirail?” Aradia asks, peering over at your phone. 

“I don’t even know if he’s my moirail anymore. Jesus shit, I’m so pissed off at both of them.” You still haven’t responded to Terezi, don’t know what to say. 

“Do you even want to be with her after this? It’s a pretty big betrayal. Everyone knows it’s messed up to start seeing one of your quadrant’s quadrants.” She puts a hand on your arm, elbows Sollux to make him pay attention to you.

“I don’t know, Karkat, I think you’re overreacting. It’s just how troll romance works, who cares if they’re hate boning?” He tells you, rolling his eyes. 

“I thought I wanted to hate date her half the time, though. Or wanted to want to. Vacillation is how the best romances work, you know?” You reply.

“Karkat that’s so fucking dumb, that’s literally only in movies.” Sollux shakes his head.

“I kind of have to agree with Sollux on this one” Aradia confirms. 

“What, you two have been dating since the beginning of the term so you’re the authority on successful relationships? Fuck off.” You brush them both off. 

“It’s pretty clear that you only have two options here. Chill out and be fine with it, or wait for her to dump you.” Sollux warns. 

“She’s not going to dump me, we’ve been dating for like, a fucking year. That means more to her that hate fucking. It’s late, I should go. I’ll see you in class tomorrow.” You storm out in a huff, which they’re both pretty used to at this point. As annoying as their comments were, you know they’re probably right. 

CG: HEY SORRY I WAS WORKING ON A PROJECT  
CG: IT’S REALLY FINE TEREZI   
CG: IT’S JUST GOING TO TAKE ME A SECOND TO GET USED TO   
CG: WHICH I THINK IS PRETTY FUCKING FAIR  
GC: Okay Karkat. I’m actually excited to see you over winter break. We’ll figure the kismesis stuff out.   
CG: I TOLD YOU I COULDN’T COME ALL THE WAY HOME TZ I DON’T HAVE THE MONEY.   
GC: Lucky your matesprit is loaded.   
GC: Guess who just bought a ticket straight to New York?   
GC: I’m about to go out, but I’ll talk to you tomorrow.   
GC: <3  
CG: HOLY SHIT

See? You fucking told them everything would be okay. Assholes never listen to you about your own goddamn grub fucking relationship. 

You’re feeling pretty alright walking into your dorm, until, seriously are you joking Strider? He’s on your computer, Tavros right fucking behind him cheering him on. 

“What in the name of the fucking Signless do you two pricks think you’re doing on my husktop?” You march over there, try to get a look at what they’re doing to gauge just how pissed off you need to be. 

“Calm down bro, just wanted to see what games you had. Troll Sims? Holy shit. It’s the fucking jackpot of all games. You can make your sims literal murderers. There’s multiple weapons and shit. What the fuck is wrong with trolls man this game is insane.” He doesn’t take his eyes off the screen the entire time he’s talking to you- or at least you don’t think he does, it’s hard to tell with those shades on. It’s almost endearing how psyched he is about your more advanced sim-ing technology. 

“You didn’t fuck with my saved game right?” You sound a little to panicked, not quite angry enough. Dave catches the tone, and Tavros snickers.

“You mean the troll that is clearly way-too-cool-to-be-Karkat Karkat?” Tavros giggles. 

“I’ll kill your sleep.” You tell him. He keeps laughing anyway, “So what the fuck tragic family did you guy- is that supposed to be me? Are you fucking kidding me? My horns are bigger than that you dip shits.” 

“Check me out though, I’m hot as shit as a troll. I like that you downloaded a mod to get mutant blood colors, bro. Made myself red too, on account of my eyes. Got bigger horns though. Yours are embarrassing.” Dave tells you, scooting closer to you so you can see better. 

You’re a little fucking uncomfortable with the way he casually brings up your blood color. Yeah, obviously everyone knows it, it’s bleeding pretty heavily into your eye color at this point. Still, taboo as shit Dave, god. Although maybe a little less insensitive since he made himself a mutant, too. Or is reflecting his human mutant traits in a troll way. Whatever. 

“Holy shit, did you make that graveyard?” You question. You’ve only been gone for what, three hours, and he’s got like fifty bodies out behind the sim hive. 

“My sim has this weird murdering problem, I don’t know…” Tavros explains. 

You all end up in your room, you and Tavros doing homework on your respective beds, Dave continuing his sim game next to you, occasionally stirring you out of your thoughts to show you Tavros’ latest victim, or the weird promotion you got. 

“Man, quit flirting with me” He says out of nowhere. You look up from your textbook, give him a ‘what the fuck are you talking about’ look. He just points to the screen.

“Dude, your sim, he’s like, all over me. This quadrant dynamic makes the game like ninety times harder. You and I are all diamonds, but you keep yelling hearts at me? And everyone in town is spades for Tavros, creepy little murderer.” He’s clicking around in the game, showing you everyone’s relationship stats. 

“Could you kindly refrain from continuing down this bizarre romantic path for our sims while I’m trying to do research?” You roll your eyes. 

“Someone’s sounding a little spades right now….” He smirks behind those goddamn glasses, and you hope he hears you when you mutter:

“I’ll show you fucking spades” 

You don’t realize how late or, well, early it’s gotten until the sun starts coming in through the windows. Even though you’ve been on this planet for about half your life, the way humans can just waltz around under their sun without going blind completely amazes you. Tavros passed out on his bed hours ago, and Dave is snoring like a trucker next to you. You took your husktop back as soon as you’d noticed he was asleep, trying desperately to finish one of your massive papers. 

You’re still sitting hunched over your computer hours later when Dave finally stirs, stretches, sits up. 

“Shit dude, what time is it?” He asks, groggy. 

“Must be nine, Tavros left about half an hour ago for class.” You tell him. 

“Oh shit you just let me sleep in here last night? Guess you really did want some Strider cuddles.” Of fucking course he’s still this talkative first thing in the morning. 

“Yes Dave, that’s completely accurate. I just couldn’t dream of another night without you.” You reply, deadpan, not looking up from your essay. 

“Karkat seriously though did you even sleep at all?” He asks.

“No, I don’t really sleep during the week.” You answer honestly. 

“Wow no wonder you’re always such a huge dick.” He pokes at you, clearly looking for more stimulating conversation. 

“Here, read this, edit this, fucking something. If I look at it anymore I’m going to rip my eyes out of their sockets.” You shove the computer into his lap.

“What class is this for? Politics?” 

“No, this is my fiction class. Everyone else is really fucking good, and I’ve been working on this all semester but it’s still complete shit. I don’t know how to get it up to par within the next week though. Fuck.” You’re stressing the fuck out about this collection of memoirs, so much so you’ve been pretty much completely neglecting your politics assignments. 

While he’s reading, you go into the kitchen and scramble some eggs on toast for breakfast. You absolutely cannot fucking stand to watch someone else read something you’ve written, makes you too self conscious. You return fifteen minutes later, food in hand. 

“So how badly am I going to fail?” You ask, handing him a plate. 

He takes it from you, puts it down to the side, takes off his fucking glasses. 

“Karkat did this shit actually happen to you?” He questions.

“What? Of course it happened, are you calling me a fucking liar?” You sneer back. 

“Dude, this is heavy as fuck. Are you… okay?” He’s really concerned. 

“Fuck off, it’s fine. Aren’t you the one who’s supposed to be all upset today? The breakup? Let’s not make this all about some bullshit I wrote for a class, jesus fuck.” You respond. 

“Yeah, right, okay. Well, this is definitely at least A minus quality work. I wrote in some suggestions on the poem, though. Here, let me show you, it makes the flow better.” He puts his glasses back on, shifts over so you can hop back in bed and eat breakfast while he helps you edit. 

You were dreading having this kid around for the next two days, but fuck, it’s not half as bad as you expected. You’re actually feeling about ninety percent less lonely and self-loathing than usual. Plot twist, Dave Strider isn’t the worst human being you know.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so originally i was going to make their friendship a much slower buildup than this, but after this upd8 i was wayy to excited, it took everything in me not to have them naked in the shower in this chapter. so yup here's some poorly written and edited davekat friendship, and the destruction of jade/dave. we're getting there guys. one day they'll be together.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So first of all trigger warnings for this chapter: self harm, suicide mention, dubious consent
> 
> Uh so this is not a happy chapter. I may or may not be in a terrible mood, thinking about the past. If you know me in real life plz don't read this chapter because it's obvious as hell that I'm making allusions to my own life in Karkat's section and yeah it's embarrassing and you'll know who im talking about and i don't want you to.

“Dave I really do appreciate all the effort you’ve been putting in here over break, but I legally am required to send you home at some point,” Kanaya tells you, peering over the stack of books you’re surrounded by.

“Yeah I know. My sister should be here to pick me up soon anyway. Have you met her yet? Oh shit, you guys would get along great.” You stand up, awkwardly maneuvering over the piles of books you and the few workers on campus over break are working to rearrange. 

“Oh, right, I forgot your family was visiting. Which sister is this?” Kanaya asks, thoughtfully. 

“Rose, my twin. Older sister is out getting Dirk drunk somewhere. Can’t believe the two of them drove across the country to see us, they must be going nuts after spending so much time together.” You shake your head. Regardless, it’s nice having everyone together over the holidays. 

As if on cue, Rose saunters into the library, dressed up sixteen times more goth than when you’d left her over the summer. Dweeb. 

“You ready to get some grub baby bro? Oh, hi. I’m Rose. You’re Dave’s boss, I take it?” Rose raises her sunglasses to look at Kanaya and extends her arm for a handshake. 

“Yes, and you must be his twin. Is that a James Joyce book? I’m taking a graduate course designed around his work next semester.” Kanaya smiles, and Rose visibly blushes. God damn it of course this is happening. 

“Yes, it’s Ulysses. It’s the first I’ve read by him, which is a bit embarrassing, but I’d love recommendations on more of his work.” Rose smiles back. 

“Hey, great idea, why don’t you come out to lunch with us Kanaya?” You suggest. Otherwise, you’re never getting out of here, the way these two are flirting. Fucking lesbians, man. 

“Oh, I wouldn’t want to intrude.” Kanaya says, so polite. 

“It wouldn’t be an intrusion, I’ve been here for several days and I’m already growing exhausted of my little brother’s antics.” Rose smirks.

“Dude four minutes younger, jesus.” You’re almost positive neither of them are listening to you. 

You get banished to the back seat, because Rose doesn’t trust your driving and “guests get shot gun”. This isn’t the first time your twin has commandeered one of your friends for sex. She’s disturbingly talented at getting into ladies’ pants. 

“Oh hey pull over, that’s Terezi!” You call out when you notice the troll walking down the side of the road. She arrived around the same time as your family to visit Karkat, and all of you have been kicking it pretty regularly since the rest of campus is basically deserted. 

“Is that you cool kid? Its hard to smell through the car.” She sticks her head in through the window, getting a better whiff. 

“You wanna grab lunch TZ? Where’s Karkat? Thought he was taking time off work to hang with you.” You ask her as she hops in the backseat next to you. 

“Ugh, he’s being a little grub again. Moping in his room about whatever. Let’s just go, I’m starved. You’re Rose, right? The twin? And aren’t you Karkat’s boss?” Terezi chatters on for the whole ride, poking into Rose’s personal life, telling everyone what she’s been up to at school, how she’s pretty bored and is thinking about taking a semester off. 

Karkat texts you halfway through your burgers. 

CG: DAVE WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING  
TG: uh eating in town man  
CG: I’M WALKING THROUGH TOWN  
CG: WHERE ARE YOU   
CG: I’M COMING TO HANG OUT  
TG: haha word dude, we’re at Pete’s   
TG: the burger place 

He stalks in three minutes later, all bundled up under a bunch of sweaters and a poof-y winter coat. 

“Oh, fuck, I didn’t know you’d be here Terezi.” Is the first thing out of his mouth, before he even moves to take off his jacket. 

“What a nice way to talk to your matesprit. Are you going to sit down with us or what, candy blood?” She sighs, sliding over on the bench so he’ll fit next to her. You’re kind of bummed out he’s not sitting next to you so you can low key get the scoop on whatever fight they’ve just gotten into. 

“Didn’t know you were friends with Dave is all.” Karkat mutters under his breath, then waves an annoyed hello to Rose and Kanaya who are mostly ignoring the rest of you chatting about nerdy literature. 

TG: dude what’s up with you and tz  
CG: WHAT THE FUCK DID SHE SAY ABOUT IT?  
CG: IT WASN’T EVEN A BIG DEAL  
CG: JUST SOME STUPID SHIT ABOUT GAMZEE AGAIN  
TG: that’s still really fucking you up huh  
CG: I JUST THINK A TINY BIT FUCKING RUDE TO START CHATTING WITH YOUR KISMESIS ON SKYPE WHEN WE’RE IN THE MIDDLE OF A MOVIE  
TG: isn’t he your friend too though  
TG: are y’all even still in diamonds or whatever  
CG: I DON’T KNOW. I SORT OF TOLD HIM I THOUGHT THAT MAYBE WE SHOULD JUST TRY THE FRIEND THING FOR AWHILE.   
TG: shit dude I’m sorry to hear that  
TG: break ups are fucking rough  
CG: AT LEAST I DIDN’T GET KICKED OUT OF MY ROOM  
TG: it was only two days damn karkat  
TG: kicking me while I’m down

“So are you two going to text each other the entire time I’m here? Maybe I should leave, give you some privacy.” Terezi kicks the both of you in the shins. 

“Sorry TZ I forgot it was rude to flirt with someone in front of their matesprit. I just get so lost in his eyes though you feel me? She totally feels me. She’s the one dating you right?” The only way to make an awkward situation less awkward is to make it more awkward. Seems to be working, too, you have Terezi laughing. 

“Remind me why I wanted to hang out with either of you again?” Karkat scoffs dramatically. TZ just kicks him again, more flirtatiously this time. 

You drag the group back to your room for a few beers, make them stay until Dirk and Roxy get back from their drinking binge. You rarely see Dirk, even though you go to the same school as him. He’s a weird dude. Rad as hell, you totally look up to the kid, but he spends a hell of a lot of time in his room skyping his boyfriend, playing with his anime swords. 

“Heyy there’s tobablly, haha, totally so many people hanging out Dave-y. What’s uhh, have them be intro, fuck, indo…” Roxy trails off, can’t find the word she’s looking for. 

“Introduded idiot.” Dirk swings and misses. 

“Introduced, wow, Dave, our siblings are drunkards.” Rose laughs, beer in hand. 

You remember, back when you were kids, Roxy having an actual drinking problem. She was the oldest out of all of you when your parents peaced the fuck out. Probably you all should have gone to foster care, but she was convinced you’d all get torn apart if that happened. She was smart, spent a hell of a lot of time covering up your parents’ disappearance, which from what she’s told you wasn’t too hard with all the money you had. Dirk built some shitty robots to help her with the household chores, make dinner, but the chick was definitely only thirteen trying to take care of a ten year old and two eight year old nightmares. She found the booze a few years later, hit rock bottom pretty hard. 

The Egberts were kind of the savior of your family. Dad Egbert totally knew what was up, had some pretty serious heart to hearts with Roxy that you never got to hear anything about. You and Rose started spending most of your time there. He taught Roxy and Dirk how to navigate the fortune your parents left behind when god knows what happened to them. 

It’s been years since she was boozing up every night, though. She feels comfortable drinking every once in awhile like this, and is in control enough that Dirk doesn’t even get mad about it anymore. Shit, tonight he’s drinking with her. You can’t really say you had a hard childhood. You had your older siblings; you had John’s entire family. Roxy and Dirk though? Most of the time you’re just happy that they came out of all that shit alive. 

“Yo everyone get together, I’m gonna snap a Polaroid of this Christmas Eve extravaganza” You tell them, grabbing your camera. 

“Ohh shit Rose you forgod to remind me it was Christmas Eve! Shit guys I didn’t get a tree, what’re we gonna do tonorrow?” Roxy worries.

“We actually have a tree up at the Music Library. If you all would like to conduct your human holiday festivities there tomorrow morning, I’d be happy to loan Dave my keys.” Kanaya smiles. Seriously, coolest boss ever. You guess she can’t be much older than Roxy, though. She’s basically still a kid, with better pay. 

“You could join us, if you wanted. Get more acquainted with human culture in person.” Rose suggests. You exchange a look with Dirk and Roxy that reads ‘yup they are so about to bone goddamn it Rose always bringing sex to the family festivities’. 

“Karkat, let’s go too. If you don’t mind, Strider. We don’t have anything better to do. Do you guys exchange gift? Let’s do gifts!” Terezi is smiling, excited. 

“Terezi it’s tomorrow, when the fuck are we supposed to get presents” Karkat groans. 

“We make our presents every year. Which, uh, I still have to finish guys, by the way.” Dirk laughs. 

“Yeah man me too” You chime in.

“Me too actually, biiiig surprise” Roxy smiles. It’s nice seeing her smile nowadays. 

“This is great you guys, let’s all go scavenge gifts from around campus. Holy shit, human Christmas is going to be so fun.” Terezi claps her hands together. 

You snap a picture of them all arguing about who’s going where to get what. First holiday pic on campus, hell yeah. 

Your plan is obviously to give everyone music that you’ve composed over the semester, because you’re bad at gift ideas but a fucking incredible musician. TZ tags along with you. 

“I’ll draw cover art for all the CDs. We’ll go in on the gifts together.” She explains.

“TZ you’re blind.” 

“Blind girls can’t draw? That hurts, Strider, it literally hurts” So, she comes with you, draws the worst cover art you’ve ever seen. You fucking love it. It’s perfect. 

CG: MY MATESPRIT IS WITH YOU ISN’T SHE  
TG: yeah man  
TG: is that cool  
CG: CAN YOU MAKE HER HATE ME LESS  
TG: oof, I’ll try, but you’re kind of the worst  
CG: FUCK YOU  
TG: <3

“Hey Pyrope, you wanna tell me why you’ve been hanging out with me all day instead of Karkat?” You ask as casually as possible. You are such a good bro. 

“He told you to ask me, didn’t he?” She knows you both too well. Shit. 

“He really loves you dude.” You explain. 

“He loves me in every goddamn quadrant! Or, wants to. I don’t even think he really does. It’s kind of hard to, without reciprocation. It just, sometimes it drives me insane.” She tells you, real honest. 

“Wow man, is it just like, too much pressure for you?” You ask.

“Can’t a troll girl just have a matesprit and a kismesis without it being a big deal?” She responds. You have no fucking idea. 

“I mean, is clown dude really worth fucking up your hearts with Karkat over?” Make her look at the big picture here. 

She just stares back at you through those big red glasses, doesn’t say anything, doesn’t have to. 

“Man, if you’re gonna break up with him, it’d better not be on Christmas, and I’d better not here jack shit about it or bro code dictates I have to tell him.” You warn her. She laughs. 

“No wonder you’re his best friend, you two are both drama queens” She giggles, going back to her art. 

“Best friend?” Huh. 

“Oh my god did you not know? Wow you’re both nerds. Nerds, nerds, nerds…” She starts humming ‘nerds’ under her breath while coloring nowhere close to inside the lines. 

Word. 

At midnight, you step away from mixing your CDs, get on the phone. 

“Egbert what up merry fucking Christmas homie.” You tell John when he answers. 

“DAVE! Did you put out milk and cookies yet? Did you guys get a tree? We miss you here, it’s our first Christmas without you!” He whines through the phone. 

“I know man, I miss y’all too. How’s Dad doing? Jake? Jane? Uhh… Jade?” You throw her name in last, make it cool, collected, breezy. 

“She left this morning. I know you thought things would be too weird if you were both here, but she’s gone, and I don’t want to have to miss both of you on Christmas. This sucks!” He complains. 

“Dude we literally live together, I’ll see you in like, two weeks.” Truth is, you miss the crap out of your normal Christmas routine. You’re damn lucky you have cool enough siblings to ditch their Christmas-with-the-Egberts tradition just so you wouldn’t have to be alone. 

“Jake is pissed that Dirk ditched him to see you.” John laughs. 

“What, they gonna break up again? Oh shit, no, not for the seventeenth time! They say the seventeenth break up is always the real one, the one that sticks!” Seriously, your brother and John’s brother have broken up way too many goddamn times for anyone to give two shits about their relationship anymore. 

“Haha, okay, so true, but I’m telling Jake you said that. Hey, send me pictures of you guys opening presents tomorrow! My dad will flip and think you’re all dead if you don’t. Merry Christmas Dave!” He’s still laughing as he hangs up the phone. 

“Was that your boyfriend?” Terezi asks, suddenly standing right the fuck behind you. 

“Nah, Strider is single as fuck. Open for all the ladies.” You boast. 

“Yeah, sure, Romeo. Walk me back to Karkat’s, it’ll piss him off.” 

You do, and it does. Score. 

\-----------------------------------------------------

Terezi is asleep in your bed, has been for hours and oh my god you want to climb in next to her but you just cannot seem to bring yourself to do it. You don’t want to wake up early tomorrow, you don’t want to watch her have fun with all these people you’re supposed to be friends with, you don’t want fucking Dave Strider to keep watching with you with that “oh fuck is he gonna get dumped” face on. All you want is to have a nice grubbing quiet break with your matesprit, where she pays attention to your stories and your movies, where she wouldn’t rather hang out with strangers to get away from you, where she doesn’t sneak off in the night to have phone hate sex with fucking Gamzee Makara. 

You have to call him. You haven’t spoken to him in months, and he used to be your fucking moirail. You miss him, and you’re fucking pissed at him, and seeing her in your bed, knowing he’s touched her, is driving you crazy. So, you do, you climb out onto the balcony and you call him. 

“Kar-brother? Man it’s been too long. How’s it going?” He sounds high as fuck. It pisses you off. 

“When the fuck did it happen Gamzee?” You meant to ease into this conversation, really. 

“When did what happen Kar?” He’s so hazy, so out of it. 

“Terezi, jackass. When the fuck did you start banging my matesprit?” You spit out the words, you hate him, god you hate him. 

“It’s black rom Karkat, I’m not all up and encroaching on your hearts, it’s no big deal brother.” He says it slow, says it like he really doesn’t see a problem with it. 

“You were my fucking moirail asshole! You’re supposed to fucking talk to me about shit like this? How the fuck could you just- Gamzee how the fuck could you not know this would kill me?” You’re screaming now, shouting into the phone, voice echoing back off the streets six stories below. 

“Just didn’t see a problem with it.” Wow. Really?

“She- I- Are you kidding? Moirails are supposed to know this shit? Did you never fucking pay attention to me?” You’ve never wanted to strife someone so badly in your life.

“I mean, I all up and feel bad, brother, but didn’t you ever be taking notice of the kind of black feelings I started having for her?” 

“She was my matesprit first! I loved her!” Does he seriously not get this?

“Loved? What, Karkat, you’ve all lost those heart feelings in this mess? I wasn’t trying to make-“

You hit the “end” button. You did not say that on purpose. You still love her, right? Right? Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. 

CG: DAVE ARE YOU UP?

Of course he isn’t. He sleeps like a goddamn cat, all day, all night, whenever he can. You could call him, wake him up, but that seems fucking pathetic. You’re used to being able to call Gamzee in situations like this, fucking asshole. 

CG: ARADIA?  
AA: Karkat? It’s awfully late there, isn’t it?  
CG: I CALLED GAMZEE.  
CG: HE IS THE BIGGEST NOOK SUCKING TRAITOR I HAVE EVER MET IN MY ENTIRE LIFE.  
CG: HE CLEARLY NEVER GAVE TWO SHITS ABOUT ME AND MY RELATIONSHIP WITH TEREZI, ONCE HE DECIDED THAT HE HAD FEELINGS FOR HER  
CG: FUCK THE FACT THAT SHE AND I WERE IN AN ESTABLISHED RELATIONSHIP, RIGHT?   
AA: Karkat that’s awful.  
AA: I can kill him for you, if you want.   
AA: I’d be good at it.   
AA: I’ve always wanted an excuse.   
CG: QUIT WITH THE CREEPY SHIT THIS IS AN ACTUAL PROBLEM I’M HAVING  
AA: Is it just the moiraillegiance that’s upsetting you? Or is it still Terezi?  
CG: UGH FUCK  
TA: I’m adding myself to this little group text  
CG: SOLLUX WHAT THE FUCK  
CG: ARE YOU WITH ARADIA RIGHT NOW?  
AA: Sorry Karkat he was reading over my shoulder.  
TA: Will you grow a set of shame globes and tell her how shitty this was?  
TA: I cannot listen to this shit anymore Karkat.   
TA: Talk to your matesprit.   
AA: You really should talk to her, Kar.   
CG: FUCK BOTH OF YOU. 

You turn off your texting, put in your headphones. You spend the next four hours very much awake, listening to the saddest music you can find. 

You’ve known Gamzee since you got to Earth. He was your first friend. You were the only troll weirdos at your school, and he was the only asshole would talk to you. He laughed when you yelled at him, he followed you around every time you stormed out of your house in a fury. When Terezi transferred into your school, he pushed you to talk to her, would apologize for you when you were too loud, made her angry. 

When you were fourteen and your learned your lusus had been culled back on Alternia, he’d taken you out to his secret spot, the roof of some shitty old building overlooking an abandoned part of town. You both got wasted on sopor for the first time that night, sat up laughing and crying and reminiscing about your childhoods on Alternia. He told you his lusus was dead, too, had been for years. 

A year later when you’d basically given up on everything, when you were standing on the roof of that building covered in blood and tears and ready to jump, he was the one who found you there, he hugged you, he kissed your fucking forehead, he looked at your mutant blood and held your cut up arms in his hands and told you he loved you, asked you to just come the mother fuck down with him. And you did. 

You got so high that night, higher than he wanted you to, higher that you should have. You asked him to be your moirail, asked him to keep you sane, asked him to kiss your wrists, kiss your cheeks, kiss your lips. You were high and hazy and kissing him everywhere, kissed his clothes off. You were crying into him, into his shoulder, felt his purple tears falling into your hair, mixing together with your own in your eyelashes. It was horrible, and warm, and his bulge felt so fucking good twisting against your own, made you feel less like dying when it was inside of you. You broke into sobs when it was over, told him you loved Terezi, told him you felt like you cheated on a girl you weren’t even dating. He shooshed you, he papped you, he told you that was the most mother fucking pale fuck that had ever happened, begged you to just sleep, not to kill your self, please Kar-bro, please just don’t kill yourself. 

You didn’t. You asked Terezi out. You got your shit together, slowly, with his help. Having him there, that unconditional love, the closest thing you’d ever had to goddamn family in your life- it kept you going. Couldn’t kill yourself on Gamzee, had to sober up for him, had to make him proud. Even when he spiraled, started painting his face, got deeper into the soporiphics. You were keeping your shit together for him. 

And he just gave up on you. Fucked Terezi. Doesn’t even care you aren’t moirails anymore. Doesn’t give two shits that you still need him. Did he ever fucking love you?

When you were twelve and calling him on the phone every night, reading him your shitty poetry, did he even want to be fucking listening? When you were thirteen and convinced him to go to that troll camp with you, did he want to be in your bunk? Did he really get upset when the counselors wouldn’t let you sleep in the same bed, or did he just throw a fit because you did? When you were fourteen and would drag him to the mall every weekend, running around stores, trying on ridiculous clothes, drinking human coffee and drawing shitty tags on the walls of the bathroom, did he even want to be there? When you were fifteen and crying in a closet at school, were you just a fucking obligation to him? Did he really ever give a shit if you died?

Did he still think about all those nights you stayed up way past four, dressed up, went out looking like girls just to piss off the rest of the town? Does he remember putting tampons in your milk when you were kids to see how they worked, see what the fuck was up with the human menstrual cycle? Does he remember the shitty collaborative drawings you still have in your sketchbooks? Does he remember those awful communal notebooks you kept in middle school filled with bad fanfiction and curse words and bulge doodles? You were together, you were always fucking together, and he did this anyway, he did this thing that he knew would ruin everything because he didn’t give two shits about any of your memories. 

Fuck. Gamzee. Makara. 

Terezi comes out as the sun is coming up, takes your ear buds out, rests her head your shoulder. You don’t bother pretending you aren’t crying. It’s over. You both know it’s over. 

“It’s not because of you Terezi.” You tell her. 

“I know.” She says. 

“Did it have to be him? Did it have to fucking be him?” You’re crying into your knees, can’t stop. 

“I didn’t know it would hurt you this much, Karkat.” She’s probably telling the truth. 

“You didn’t have to choose him. You could have picked me. You could still pick me!” You’re yelling, still can’t make eye contact with her. You know she can’t. You know damn well she can’t pick you, and you don’t know why, you don’t know why you aren’t good enough, but you’re so fucking sure that it’s your fault. 

“I’m gonna go for a walk. Call the airport. Get an earlier flight out.” 

And then you’re on the balcony alone, crying, furious. 

You dial Gamzee’s number. Once, twice, three times. It keeps going to voicemail. You call his house phone. You don’t give a shit how early it is, you keep calling, he’ll answer, he has to answer. 

“Vantas.” It’s his brother. 

“Put him on the fucking phone! I know you know what he did, put him on the fucking phone!” You’re screaming, don’t care how inappropriate this is, fuck, fuck. 

“He doesn’t want to talk right now, Karkat.” You feel the pity in his voice. 

“Do you know what he did? Did he tell you?” God, you’re awful, you hate yourself for doing this. 

“Karkat, just try to calm down. It’ll be okay.”

He hangs up. 

You lay down, just lay the fuck down on the concrete of the balcony, cry your fucking eyes out, scratch at your skin, dig your nails into your horns, fuck, fuck, fuck. 

CG: DAVE I’M COMING OVER

You don’t really register sending it, but once you have, you know you have to go or he’ll come over looking for you. You put your shoes on, throw on a sweater, run to Dave’s. Literally run the fuck across campus. 

Fuck Gamzee. He shouldn’t have made you feel like this. He should be the last goddamn person to make you feel like this. 

Fuck. Gamzee. Makara. 

You’ll never get tired of saying it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry Karkat is so sad. I didn't really mean for this to happen to him like this, but then I suddenly sort of realized that his Gamzee/TZ thing is super fucking similar to something that happened to me like wow a lot of years ago and just, wow, fucking gamkar pale feelings all over the place tonight so my bad. Also so so sorry that that whole part is written like shit and is all exposition I just got extra carried away in my own feelings oops. Things get worse and then better next chapter though yay and HEY guess what now dave and karkat are both SINGLE hmmm HMMM??? 
> 
> Fun story though, the way kk calls gamzee's house like an asshole like that and screams at his brother? i 100% did that to my friend's dad wow so NOT COOL of me past jace was kind of an emotional dick and needed to tone his feelings down
> 
> i also swear to god if you know me irl and know who im talking about you pretend you didn't read this for the rest of our lives <3


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ehh this is really extra short, and i wrote it in a rush, but i wanted to get it out before classes start up for the week. commence the karezi breakup aftermath!
> 
> self harm tw!

You’re dead asleep when you are oh so rudely awoken by an obnoxious pounding noise in your hallway. Someone’s knocking, loudly, but it’s not on your door. Sounds farther down the hall. You glance at the time, and immediately roll back over and pull the covers over your head when you see it isn’t even six in the morning yet. Fucking noisy college kids. 

Holy shit though, the knocking is getting louder. Whoever the fuck this is just isn’t giving up. You sit up in bed, pissed as fuck. Worst Christmas morning, ever. You look over to John’s bed, where Rose is supposed to be sleeping. She went off with Kanaya last night, never came back. Maybe her drunk ass is out knocking on the wrong door. Better go fucking check. 

You squeeze into your binder and a shirt as quickly as possible, stomp over to the door and peek your head out. It isn’t Rose. It’s a very, very distressed Terezi pounding on the girls’ door, mumbling “Vriska open the fuck up!” over and over. 

“Uh, hey, TZ? She uh, isn’t coming back till this afternoon. You, you good man?” You tell her, groggily. She notices you for the first time since you stepped into the hall, looks at you. It’s the first time you’ve seen her without her glasses. She’s crying these teal rivers out of her big red eyes. If she didn’t look so miserable, you’d say it was beautiful. 

“I thought she was flying in this morning.” Is her entire response. She stops the incessant knocking, just sort of turns to face you, like she’s waiting for something to happen. 

“So you uh, having fun in the hallway?” You ask. 

You see the girl actively struggling through her emotions. Her tears stop, her face looks defeated, then blank, then pissed. With literally zero warning, she’s on top of you, pins you up against your doorframe and starts kissing you senseless. 

It’s not that you don’t like kissing her. She’s pretty, and smells nice, and she’s so skilled at moving her lips against your own that for a minute you totally kiss her back. Then you realize what the fuck is going on, grab her by the shoulders, remove her from your face. 

“So you need to talk or something? Is this some Karkat shit?” You ask, taking a step away from her, hand behind your neck. 

“It’s kind of over between me and him.” She says. She’s giggling a bit. Looks completely out of her mind. 

“Shit dude, that’s rough. But you’ve got your kismesis and shit, right? I mean, not that it makes the breakup easier, but you get to go home and not be all like, alone, right?” You say. Karkat must be freaking the fuck out right now. You should probably check your phone but, shit, it’s inside your room still. 

“Comforting, coolkid. You’re good at this.” She chuckles. 

“Alright, let’s cut it with the sarcasm. You’re all waking a bro up at six in the morning expecting him to have all these perfect lines about your weird alien breakup. All I’ve got is my human breakup knowledge. Let’s uh, fuck, we could get you some ice cream, maybe like three bottles of wine, stick you in the bathtub with a rom com and let you cry it out. Or I guess maybe that’s what I should be doing for Karkat, huh? Maybe we just send you straight to the strip club, get your grind on. Here, get the fuck inside, let’s not talk this out in the hallway.” You tease, both of you heading into your room and taking a seat on the bed. 

“I know you’re probably on his side for this whole thing. I didn’t break up with him though. I was going to give him time to get over it.” She explains. 

“There’s no sides man, whatever. He’s the one who did it though? Shit. Wasn’t expecting that.” You reply. 

“He never came to bed last night. I woke up, found him crying on the balcony. I think he’d been out there all night. He just sort of told me it had nothing to do with me. Wanted me to choose him or something.” You can tell she’s barely listening to what she’s saying to you, off in her head running things through. 

“Why didn’t you pick him?” Probably that was a dick question. 

“He can’t make me choose. That’s bullshit. I know humans don’t get this, but, I’m supposed to be able to have both. He can’t ask me to live in a world where I only get to have a matesprit, that’s so unreasonable.” She sighs. 

“I don’t really get it, but whatever, I’m sure he does.” Really, the whole thing sounds stupid to you. 

“I have to call the airport. I can’t stay here for another two weeks. It’s gonna be so expensive to get an earlier flight out, but I bet I can get Vriska to help me with the money.” She takes out her phone, starts texting presumably Vriska. 

“She told me her flight gets in at eleven.” You inform. 

“JFK?” She asks, and you nod. “Maybe I’ll go meet her. I really don’t want to be on this campus right now. I have to talk to Gamzee, anyway. I think Karkat freaked him out.” 

“Oh shit what went down with them?” You really want to know. 

“Not sure. Gamzee just sent me a text, told me they talked.” She shows you the text for emphasis. 

“Isn’t it a little shitty that Gamzee is doing this to Karkat? I mean, I get that you can kismesis or whatever I guess, but isn’t there a bros before hoes code for trolls?” You question. 

“It’s not really the same if you’re going for different quadrants.” She says. 

“Troll romance is stupid.”

“Agreed.” 

“Oh, shit, TZ, he texted me. Karkat did. He’s coming over.” You tell her, slightly concerned about how pissed he would be to find her here. Kid’s a little jealous. 

“Of course he is. I shouldn’t have- oh, man, I kissed you. I, Dave, don’t take this the wrong way, but I don’t-“ 

“Hey man, we all kiss people we don’t mean to kiss when we’re upset. No worries. We’re still bros.” You cut her off. 

“If you don’t want him to try to slit your throat, you should avoid telling Karkat about it.” She warns, laughing a bit. 

“My plan was totally to lead his breakup speech with ‘oh by the way I made out with your ex girlfriend like ten minutes ago, I see why you’re gonna miss her so much man, damn, that tongue action’.” You smirk. 

“Okay, no more talking about my tongue, ever. I should go.” She hits you on the shoulder, grabs her bag. 

“You got someplace to be? I don’t want you out in the snow and crying.” You tell her. 

“Yeah, I’ll just head towards the airport, help Vriska with her stuff, call Gamzee on the train ride in. Thanks for making me feel less like shit, Strider. And for Karkat. I know he’s hard to be friends with.” She hugs you, opens your door. 

“Nah man, he’s not so bad.” You waive goodbye to her, watch her walk down the hall. 

You don’t see the punch coming. It must have come from the behind you, all taking advantage of how tired you are, and clocked you right in the back of the head. 

“Are you fucking kidding me Dave?” Oh, shit, it’s Karkat. 

You grab the back of your skull where he hit you. Shit’s gonna leave a bump. 

“Dude, woah, calm down.” You put your hands up trying to diffuse the tension, but he slams you up against the wall. For such a tiny kid, he’s pretty strong. 

“Terezi, Dave? After fucking everything, and you decide to kiss Terezi?” He spits at you. Literally spits, he’s angry spewing all over your face. He must’ve been here the whole damn time. Shit. 

\----------------------------------------

You shouldn’t have left your room. All good fucking sense dictates that after you break up with someone, you stay the shit in your room and remain there until you have successfully moved on from “tragically upset” to “miss them but can deal”. But no, no, not you. You, Karkat Vantas, fucking genius, just had to traipse across campus looking to cry into Dave Striders arms. 

Only when you get there, your ex has already found him, and has attached herself to his face. 

You don’t necessarily remember the next twenty minutes of your life. Lots of hiding around a corner, thinking about how Gamzee abandoned you, how Terezi abandoned you, and now Dave? Fucking Dave Strider abandoned you? 

And now you’re face to face with him, have him pressed up against a wall, are throwing curses at his stupid fucking traitor face while he kind of laughs at you. Wait, why is he laughing? 

“Strider why the fuck are you laughing? I don’t really see what the fuck is funny about this situation.” You hold him up there, pinned against the wall, but stop slamming him into it long enough for him to get a sentence out. 

“Dude we weren’t kissing” He barks out, as if it makes any nook licking sense. 

“I literally saw you, with my fucking eyes. She’s the blind one, not me.” You put him back on the ground and he instantly breaks into what you can only imagine is a hysterical fit. You pace back and forth as he sits on the ground laughing his ass off. Finally, you say:

“Alright Dave, fine. If she has decided to enter into a matespritship so soon after our breakup, I can only assume it is vital for her mental health. I’m not happy about this, Dave, but if she’s going to be with someone, at least it’s you, right? You won’t take any of that blackrom pseudo abuse shit Gamzee throws at her. It’s disgusting that you didn’t think to talk to me about it first but, fine, fucking whatever. Just take care of her.” You feel like that’s pretty big of you. Really, though, she needs someone to pull her out of this Gamzee mess. 

Dave begins to laugh even harder. 

“What the actual fuck is so funny Dave? This is a serious matter, about my actual romantic life, and you’re sitting on the floor giggling like a fifteen year old!” You shout. You’ve been yelling at people a whole lot today. 

“No, no, Kar- oh my god, did you just, give me your blessing to- ha- to- ha ha- to date your girlfriend? Oh my god, Karkat, she – ha ha ha- she kissed me because she was upset about you, get a grip, we don’t like each other.” He has trouble getting the whole sentence out, is clutching his sides the entire time. 

“So you…oh. So you didn’t kiss her? She kissed you?” You’re a little confused. He tries to get his shit together, stands up and puts his hands on your shoulders. 

“Dude she came here in tears and kissed me, and I told her that was dumb, and she agreed, and then we went inside and talked about her feelings.” He tells you, still smiling a little too much for you taste. 

“See, I thought you were fucking in there.” You admit, and he cracks up again, “Dave I came here because I’m a fucking mess and wanted some emotional support, not to be fucking laughed at.” 

He pauses, looks you up and down. Even with his glasses on you can feel his gaze lingering on the scratches in your neck not covered by your coat. He invites you inside wordlessly and sits knee-to-knee with you on his bed. 

“So you gonna take off your coat and let me see what you did to yourself or are we just gonna pretend that isn’t something that happened.” He says it really casual, like he’ll completely understand if you choose the second option. But it’s hot as a nook, and you’re sad, and you trust him, so you strip down into your t-shirt and let him eye over all your self-inflicted scratches. 

“It’s not Terezi I’m upset about.” You tell him as he stands up and begins rummaging through his bathroom. 

“Really dude? Because you just punched me in the fucking head over Terezi.” He replies, coming back in with a bottle of peroxide and some cotton balls. 

“You see your best friend kissing your ex girlfriend, it’s just a fucking automatic response. Jesus shit. But uh, fucking, sorry, I guess.” You flinch a bit as he starts cleaning your self-inflicted wounds, but you make it easy for him to take your arms into his hands and do whatever first aid bullshit he’s up to. 

“So what, it’s still the Gamzee thing? She told me you called him or some shit. Do I have to kick some clown ass? Fuck, Karkat, some of these are really deep.” He comments. 

“Troll claws. But, yeah. Gamzee. I called him, and he just, fucking, doesn’t even care that I’m upset? Fuck that. Fuck Gamzee. He’s such a bulge fucking nook ass. Moirails are supposed to give a shit about each other’s feelings. He doesn’t give two fucks that we’re broken up. Asshole probably never loved me.” You ramble on as Dave moves up towards your shoulders. You’re glad you’re more pissed off now, happy not to be crying in front of him. Just because he’s being nice doesn’t mean he wouldn’t give you shit for that. 

“Are there worse ones under your shirt?” He asks you. 

“You don’t have to treat me like a fucking baby Strider I-“

“Dude whatever just let me do this while you talk shit about that clown asshole, okay?” He sounds kind of worried. You take off your shirt, making sure to do a fair amount of grumbling, and let him dab peroxide onto your back. 

“There’s this one fucking thing I can’t get out of my head. When Gamzee and I were fucking thirteen or some ridiculous grub age like that, we had this one teacher we both hated. She was out of her mind bat shit insane and we just spent her whole class passing notes and I guess blatantly having conversation over whatever bullshit she was spewing out of her mouth. At the end of the year- ouch, fucking watch it- at the end of the year we were working on some project together, laughing and spitting off inside jokes at the back of the class, and she just walks up to us and says ‘You two are such good friends. Don’t ever let a girl get in the way of that’. And at the time we just fucking made fun of her. Gamzee wasn’t even into girls, then, and it sounded to grubbing stupid, a romance coming in between us? And now- shit I told you to watch it that hurts Dave!” You yell, swatting his hand away. 

“Yeah, yeah, don’t be a baby. Let me go grab some Neosporin.” He runs to the bathroom, comes back with some. 

“What the fuck do I do about Gamzee?” You ask him, honestly looking for a response. 

“I don’t know dude. I’ve never had a moirail or whatever, and I’d like to say that if John or something pulled that shit, I could forgive him, but you don’t really seem like you can do that. Maybe just say fuck Gamzee. Put your relationship with him behind you.” He advises. 

“I wish he hadn’t changed. I wish I knew if he ever fucking cared.” 

“Yeah and I’m sure he wishes you were back in bum fuck nowhere with him getting high and painting your face like a juggalo. He’s probably just lashing out about you moving on without him.” 

“I didn’t move on.” 

“You moved away. You’re sober. Usually. Drunk Karkat’s cute, though.” He winks at you, and you push him off you and put your shirt back on. 

“So are we still doing this Christmas bullshit or are we going to talk about my problems all day?” You ask. 

“Dude it’s like seven in the morning. Rose isn’t even back from her night out yet.” He tells you, yawning. 

“Oh. You’re going to go back to sleep, aren’t you?” You say. You really don’t want to be left alone with your thoughts right now. 

“Yup. But first I’m going to put on the shittiest human movie I can find to distract you.” He says, fiddling around with his laptop. 

He hands it to you, and makes a move to take off his shirt but pauses. 

“Hey dude wanna have a little talk before I take my nap?” He asks, and you send him a warning look. You aren’t in the mood for bullshit right now. 

“What?” You finally concede. 

“So do you know what being trans is?” He questions.

“Obviously, Dave. I’ve lived on Earth for all of my formative years, I go to one of the most liberal colleges in the universe, I’d have to be a blind conservative to not know what being trans is.” You roll your eyes. Does he really think you’re that ignorant of human culture?

“Cool, well, I’m trans, and I’m not exactly supposed to sleep in my binder, so if you could turn the fuck around while I take it off that’d be sweet.” He says. You blush a little bit, but turn around. 

“I can leave, if you aren’t comfortable-“

“Holy shit save me the dramatics, I just don’t want you seeing me topless, all jiggling around and shit. I’ve got my shirt back on. The movie’s starting. It’s called ‘The Fault In Our Stars’ and it’s literally so terrible, you’re going to love it.” He cuts you off, and dives under the covers. He’s out before the title screen rolls. 

He’s right the movie completely distracts you. The first half of it is the most intensely overdramatic hoof beast barf you’ve ever seen, and even though you aren’t quite familiar with all of human history you’re certain it’s insensitive to be making out in the attic the Frank family was housed in during one of the world wars. You try to tell Dave this, jabbing him with your elbow, but damn if he isn’t good at sleeping through your annoyances. Regardless, you’re sobbing by the end of the film, and have to creep into the bathroom to pull your shit together. You hear someone come into Dave’s room and start talking to him as you splash water on your face, and toss on a sweatshirt he had laying on the floor to cover up your stupid goddamn arms before going to investigate the commotion. 

“Oh, Rose, hi.” You say when you see her. 

“Karkat? Were you two having a sleepover? I’m interrupting aren’t I, nice one Dave.” She chuckles under her breath. 

“No, I broke up with Terezi last night. I’m only here to talk things through.” You quickly tell her. 

“I’m actually sorry to hear that Karkat. I hope you’re still coming to our makeshift Christmas?” She offers a sympathetic smile. 

“Don’t have anything better to fucking do.” You respond. 

“Where the fuck were you last night, sis?” Dave smirks suggestively. 

“You know where I was.” She replies, deadpan. 

“Oh, shit, did you hook up with our boss?” You groan, causing Dave to laugh. 

“We just talked.” She blushes. 

“Woah Rose denying sex? This must be some serious shit. You like her or something?” Dave cheers.

“We’ll talk about it after I’ve had some sleep.” She quiets him. 

“Alright well if you’re gonna pass out, Karkat and I are gonna go get shit set up for the big Christmas celebration. Maybe buy some dunkin’ donuts or something real fancy.” He speaks, standing up and heading towards the bathroom. He turns around once he’s gotten in there and says, “Oh Karks, can you toss me my binder?” 

You grab it from its spot on the floor next to you and toss it to him. He shuts the door, and all you can feel is Rose’s eyes fixated on you. 

“What the fuck are you looking at?” 

“Oh, nothing.” 

She gives you a smile that you can’t read, and interrogates you about your breakup until Dave comes out of the bathroom freshly showered and dressed and whisks you off into the cold to buy god knows what.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my schedule is packed with classes and finding a full time summer job for the next few days, so eta for next chapter is thursday! knowing my tendency to procrastinate, it will likely be up sooner.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was brought to you by: staying up all night cuz there's a centipede hiding somewhere in my room that i must locate and murder
> 
> (which also means there's a 90% chance i did some major messing up while writing this, centipede terror is real)
> 
> lots of trigger warnings: suicide mention, alcohol, self-harm, drug use, food, i'm p sure that's it

You’re in the library with John, both of you lounging on beanbag chairs pretending to do class readings but mostly sending buzzfeed quizzes to one another when your phone starts vibrating. 

CG: DAVE  
CG: I DID SOMETHING STUPID  
CG: I NEED YOU TO COME OVER

Oh shit, oh fuck, you knew he was gonna crack, you knew the second he walked into your dorm room a month ago with his arms all cut up that shit was going downhill fast, and now two weeks out of winter break it’s happening. 

“John I have to go, bring my shit back to the room when you leave” You blurt out, already struggling into your winter coat. 

“Gotta poop?” He starts giggling, until he sees your face and raises an eyebrow. 

“Karkat” You tell him.

“Oh, shit.” 

Every single one of you has been terrified that something like this would happen. Karkat hasn’t been himself since the breakup, never wants to come out, barely bitches about anything even when he does. Tavros tells you the kid spends most of his days cocooned under blankets watching Netflix, only occasionally dragging his feet to the kitchen to eat a jar of peanut butter. You’re glad he agreed to take a gender studies class with you, so you could physically lug him to the seminar yourself, but you’re almost positive he’s missed all his other courses. 

And now he’s done this. 

You don’t even know what it is, but you know it’s bad. As you run across campus, visions of Karkat in a bathtub full of his own blood plague your vision. It takes you seven minutes to get to his room, including racing up six flights of stairs, and as you pound on his door you’re positive that you’ve taken too long, that he must have swallowed pills and he’s dead or dying and shit you’re taking out your phone to call an ambulance when you hear someone walk up to the other side of the door. 

“Karkat? Karkat open the fuck up dude.” You try to sound calm, not to freak him out. 

“Can you just, not, fuck, you need to promise not to laugh at me.” He bellows back. The fuck? 

“Karkat I’m not going to fucking laugh at you, what the shit did you do?” You jiggle the door handle, but he still has it locked. 

You hear him breathing on the other side of the wall. Good, fuck, he’s still breathing. Finally, the lock clicks. You don’t wait for him to open it, you turn the knob and press your shoulder into it. 

He’s just standing there, completely unharmed, looking up at you under a mop of neon pink fucking hair. 

You lose your shit. Fall right on the floor, laughing your ass off. 

“You promised Dave, you stood on the other side of that door and you swore you wouldn’t laugh.” He crosses his arms, fucking livid. 

You try to say something back to him, seriously, you do, but it’s all coming out as this big guffaw of side-splitting laughter. 

“I’m going to reach my hand down your throat and pull your delicate human intestines out through your mouth if you don’t shut the fuck up.” He tells you, stone cold serious. 

You realize you’re tearing up a little bit as you peel yourself off the floor, still fighting down snickers when you finally manage words. 

“Karkat it actually looks rad as hell, I was just expecting you to be dead or something.” And then the tension you’d been holding back since you’d received his ominous text comes out and you one hundred percent have your arms around him and thank shit your glasses are on because those are definitely tears brimming up under your lashes. 

“What the fuck is happening.” Karkat asks, vaguely patting you on the back. 

“I thought you were dead dude. Next time you make a ridiculous hair decision at eleven thirty on a Thursday night could you not phrase it in such a ‘totally could have been a suicide attempt’ kind of way?” You step back, really shouldn’t have lost your cool like that, and try to take in the magic that is Karkat Vantas with pink hair. 

“Why the shit would I kill myself?” He shoots at you. 

You just kind of look at him, at his bare sliced up arms, think about the stories he’s told you about Gamzee and high school and having to get addicted to sopor in order to not toss himself off the side of a building. 

“Yeah, well, I’m not gonna fucking pull that shit over Terezi, Jesus shit Strider.” He concedes. 

“So do you like the jiggly puff look?” You ask him.

He pats at his head, thinks it over, “I kind of do, but our friends are going to give me such shit about it. Fuck, I should have just pierced my nose or something. This was such a poorly planned out reckless action, fucking shit”. 

“People are definitely going to say shit. You dyed your hair bright fucking pink. Did you have to bleach it first? You must have. Lemme get this straight, you were sitting there for an hour with bleach in your hair, washed and dried that shit, looked at yourself in the mirror and still thought ‘shit yes the pink is a good reckless decision to make I would love for this to be the outcome of my breakup’?” You walk towards the bathroom to look at the damage he’s done. There’s pink all over the floor, a half-full bottle of Special Effects dye spilling over into the sink. 

“Are you kidding? I saw how fucking awful the bleach was and I had to fucking do something. It’s not like I had the foresight to get black dye from the store in case I looked like shit. So here we the fuck are, pink hair Karkat.” He grumbles. 

“It’s really not that bad, Karkitty. I think you could make it work for you.” You tell him. Really, the more you look at it, the cuter it is. It’s almost ironic: the gleam of the neon against his dark grey skin and baggy eyes. You kind of want to photograph the shit out of him. 

“I don’t want anyone to see me like this Dave. What the fuck do I do? The store is closed, and we’ve got class tomorrow morning. Fuck, fuck, fuck you past Karkat.” He paces back and forth tugging at his hair like it might just change back if he yells at it hard enough. 

“Give me twenty minutes.” You tell him, and close the bathroom door. 

“What the fuck are you doing?” He shouts in at you.

“Do you trust me?” You call back. 

“Uh, no?” 

“Well then I guess this is going to be a pretty suspenseful half hour for you. Better buckle up, pull that seatbelt right across your chest because the cops are looking to click it or ticket.” It’s easier for you to make this stupid decision if you’re talking bullshit at him, so you continue on a meaningless tirade. You pick up the bottle of dye, look yourself in the fucking mirror, and dump it on your head. Okay, too late to go back now, here we the fuck are attempting to make Karkat feel better by getting matching fucking ridiculous hair. Ha ha, word. 

“Dave do I hear the shower running? Are you using my shower without my permission? Dave Strider I demand you unlock this door right the fuck now and tell me what the shit you think you’re doing in there.” He grumbles at you the entire time you’re watching pink run from your head into the drain. 

You figure the still-damp grey towel in the bathroom is his, so you use it to dry off. You only put your jeans and binder on for fear of pink dripping onto your shirt, and exit the bathroom still tussling the dampness off your head. 

“What in shit grubbing dick did you do to your hair fungus breath?” 

“We match now, so you don’t have to be embarrassed.” 

“Holy shit you’re a huge nerd. I just wanted you to fucking break into the convenience store with me and fix mine, not, not do that to your perfectly beautiful white hair. That’ll never come out for you.” He looks a little panicked. 

“Did you just call me beautiful?” It’s the only part of his rant you actually focused on. 

Karkat shuffles his feet, torn between responses, but decides on the classic “Fuck you”. 

“Kind of sounds like you want me to, bro.” 

“Dry your fucking hair before you get pink all over the carpet” He grabs you by the face and throws you back into the bathroom. 

You hope he can hear you laughing over the sound of the hair dryer. 

The pair of you settle down to watch a movie after a very, very long conversation with John assuring him that Karkat is very much alive and that, no, he does not require any further supervision. Good ol’ John. You make sure to Snapchat the dork about sixteen photos of your matching hair, too, just to freak him out a little bit. He just tells you he’s glad you finally look as queer as you feel which, okay, true enough Egbert. 

It takes you a few scenes of ‘Love, Actually’ to gather up the courage to ask the question, but eventually you say, “So dude are you going to start getting your shit together now, or what?” 

He gives you this bewildered look, but then glances around at the complete state of disarray his half of the room is in, feels around on his arms with his fingertips, and tells you, “Yeah this bullshit is out of control”. 

Since you’ve both watched this movie at least ten times, you decide to leave it on as background noise as you toss old juice bottles into trash bags, fold his laundry, do a little sweeping. Normally cleaning isn’t your game- Karkat has told you on numerous occasions that your bedroom is horrifying and that rats would be afraid to sleep in your bed- but you know that your buddy likes to live clean and really understand that the breakup blues are hard to get through on your own. And this dude is going through two fucking breakups. Rough, man. 

Tavros walks in just as you’re settling back into the bed for the climax of the movie. You can’t be distracted when that little kid is running after his girl crush at the airport, no fucking way. 

“Oh, uh, wow you cleaned Karkat. You’re feeling bett- uhh guys? Your… hair. It’s uh, huh. You did that to your hair. That’s, uh, something that’s happening.” 

“Shut the fuck up Tavros. This was stage three of my breakup process. I am now single and ready to mother fucking mingle. Let’s find some chicks.” Karkat tries to sound like a bro but really, god, is way too fucking nerdy. 

“Pretty sure you’re only getting dudes to sleep with you with hair like this.” You elbow him.

“That’s close fucking minded of you.” He shoots back. 

“Uh, is that ‘Love, Actually’? Move over, I haven’t seen this in years.” Tavros shuts the both of you up and hops onto the bed. 

You one hundred percent pass out when Karkat throws on some troll sitcom you’ve never watched afterwards, but it’s okay, because he really doesn’t ever sleep so you get the whole bed to yourself, and he’s got all the books for you class in the morning, anyway. 

\-------------------------------------

Your hair has been complimented six times by complete strangers since you’ve entered Bates Dining Hall, and yes the fuck you have been counting. Sollux, little dick weed that he is, has been snickering at your table the entire time. 

“Everyone else likes it, shit head.” You tell him, sitting down with your second tray of food. You’d kind of been accidentally starving yourself for a few weeks there, and your stomach has been keen on making up for it. 

“Sollux, Karkat’s had the hair for a month and a half now, move on, new topic.” Aradia drones, nose in her Anatomy textbook. 

“Do you have a test or something before Spring Break?” You ask her. Most classes here don’t do tests, opting for monster essays and individual conferences with professors instead, but she’s studying like she sure as shit has one. 

“Yeah, I know, I go to the one college that doesn’t believe in tests and end up in a class that has tests.” She sighs. 

“Come on Aradia, it’s more of a performance review, you’re just dissecting a bunch of shit.” Sollux throws an arm around her, comforting in his own special douchebag way. 

You’ve mostly avoided eating the meat on your plate because it looks questionable as fuck, and are instead opting for these delicious yucca fries. You have no idea what the fuck a yucca is but damn if it doesn’t taste good. 

“It’s really a shame so many of the low bloods had to flee Alternia during the wars. Earth creatures are interesting, but I’d love to slice open some of the species on our own planet. Look, this is our best guess of the respiratory tract of the mother grub! It’s so complicated.” Aradia holds up her textbook to show you both an array of guts that, really, you didn’t need to see. 

“Well I guess I’m fucking done with my meal.” You grumble, and watch Sollux push his bowl of ice cream across the table. 

“I thought we talked about corpses during mealtime.” Sollux says it like he’s upset, but kisses her on the cheek anyway. Gross. 

“It wasn’t a real body. It’s not even an actual photograph, it’s CGI.” She whines. 

Your phone buzzes just in time for you to completely ignore their disgusting PDA. 

TG: yo come to the hot rock meet me and fef  
CG: YEAH SURE  
CG: SOLLUX AND ARADIA ARE JUST SUCKING FACE IN FRONT OF ME ANYWAY  
TG: oh shit abort abort get the fuck out of there dude before it’s too late

You see the “…”s on your phone indicating he’s still typing out some ridiculous metaphor, but you click it off figuring you don’t need to read a six fucking paragraph essay about how he wants to you leave Bates right now. 

“I’m going to go meet Dave at the hot rock.” You tell your friends, who have only just ceased staring lovingly into each other’s eyes. 

“Oh, with Feferi? I got invited too.” Aradia smiles. 

“Smoking?” Sollux asks her, and she nods, “I’ll pass then. See you in class tomorrow night, KK?” 

You put your coat on- it’s still so fucking cold out, even in March, “No, I think it’d be a much better fucking idea to skip the last class before break. I hear he really fucking likes absentee students.” 

“Don’t be an asshole” 

“Fuck off, let’s go Aradia.” 

She’s still laughing at your bullshit argument with Sollux as the two of you walk up Bates hill towards the back of Dave’s dorm. Outside, looking over the hill, is this small slab of concrete that gets hot as fuck for some reason that you’re pretty sure has something to do with steam and the heating system of campus. It’s basically the only tolerable place to sit outside during winter. Dave and Feferi are already there, the latter attempting to roll a spliff against the wind. 

“Need help there, Fef?” Aradia smiles, crouching down to shield the pot and tobacco from the elements. You toss your shit down next to Dave, ignore his request for a fist bump. 

“Dude my iPhone is telling me you didn’t even read my last seven texts. I wrote out this fucking great story for you and you don’t even look? That hurts Kar, it hurts.” He feigns emotional pain, and you hit him in the shoulder. 

“Are you guys staying on campus for Spring Break?” Feferi asks, finally getting her spliff under control. 

Aradia holds up a lighter to Fef’s mouth, lights it up, “Yeah, I spent enough time around my guardian during winter break.” 

“Oh good I was worried I’d be alone. Karks, want some?” Feferi asks you.

“I’ve told you all a million times I don’t smoke,” You tell her, passing it to Dave instead, “I’ll be here during break. Mostly working, but here.”

“Aw shit am I missing the big Spring Break party on campus? Shit guys, I promised John I’d go back home with him since I ditched him for Christmas.” Dave takes a hit, passes it back to Feferi, “I’m good on that, by the way. Just needed a puff to take the edge off that shitty conference.” 

“Which class? Ours?” You ask him. 

“Yeah man, I’m not on top of my final paper and she did not take my bullshit about it.” He tells you. 

“At least you don’t have a test.” Aradia chimes in. She must be really stressed out about it. 

“I locked myself into doing this whole interview process for my political science class, it’s a disaster. The film department is not the nicest about lending out equipment to non-film students.” Feferi moans. 

“Karkat’s tight as fuck with the film professors, have him get that shit for you.” Dave suggests.

“I’ve taken two film classes, dick, two. But no, yeah, I could probably get you a good camera.” You don’t want Dave thinking he’s won, so you swipe his beanie and put it on your head for good measure. 

“Sure, make me dye my hair pink and then steal the thing that’s covering my shame, I see your game bro.”

“You did that of your own volition, you think I wanted to match you?” 

“Doesn’t everyone?” 

Feferi takes the hat off your head, puts it over her big mop of hair, “I know I do. Gosh, if only we could all be Dave Strider!” 

“Wow, Fef, that was a little too much sarcasm, my ego is so not coming out of this unscathed.” Dave quips back. 

“Dave, as a human, would you say this is an accurate drawing of the human reproductive system?” Aradia, who has apparently been stoned-sketching diagrams from her Anatomy book, holds up a giant picture of a human dong. 

“Aradia I know you need that to study with but please, please let me put it on my wall when you’re done with it.” 

Your friends are fucking nerds. 

 

Spring Break itself turns out to be boring as shit. You convinced Dave to give you his key while he’s gone so you don’t have to trek all the way back to the farthest dorm on campus after work. It’s convenient as hell, since you spend most of your free time doing homework in his suite with Feferi, Nepeta, and Aradia. It was less convenient when he made you literally strife him for it. At least now he knows how strong you are. 

“Does anyone feel like coming to the studio with me? I really have to work on my portrait painting project.” Nepeta asks. 

The four of you have been sitting on the floor of her room for hours, mostly silent, buried in books. You’re exhausted with attempting to comprehend the intricacies of human gender theory, and are utterly dreading making connections between these social constructs and gender in troll culture. You’d wring Dave’s neck for suggesting you take such a difficult course with him, if you didn’t think it was so important to him that you actually understand his gender identity in the context of human society. You think it’s stupid, he’s obviously a boy, but whatever, sure, let’s learn more about how idiotic humans are. 

“Yes, fuck, let’s all take a break and watch Nepeta paint. I’m ready to scratch my fucking think pan out.” You drop your books on the ground, totally fucking done for the day. 

Feferi looks up from her laptop with a gaze that shows nothing but pure defeat, “Please get me out of here.” 

“Are you all really that tired? I could study for hours.” Aradia gives you all this half-dead smile, this smile that tells you she gave up on life hours ago, has just been flipping through her textbook without taking in any of the actual words. 

It’s a brisk walk covered up in your scarves and hats to the art building. Nepeta’s studio space is on the top floor by an enlarged window that overlooks some of the more adorable, Hogwarts-looking buildings on campus. You all stopped at the pub on the way over and bought hot chocolates that you are most definitely pouring peppermint schnapps into. It’s Spring fucking Break, afterall.

You had no idea Nepeta actually had any fucking talent, but shit, her work is impressive. She’s got portraits of Equius (of fucking course), of Feferi, Vriska, John, and Dave. Something catches you as off about the last one. 

“Nep, how the fuck is Dave topless in this?” You blurt out, probably inappropriately. 

She chuckles a bit, walks over so the other two can’t hear her, “He asked me to paint him without a binder on. But what’d he’d look like, you know, how he wants to look.” 

“You know about that?” You feel kind of hurt, aren’t sure why. You guess you thought you were the only one he trusted with that, which is fucking stupid. 

“Hmm I got tired of him hogging the bathroom every morning, eventually he told me why it was so impurrtant for him to have his alone time in there. Fefs and Vris don’t know, though, so shhh!” She paws at you a bit as you continue to stare at the painting. 

“This must’ve made him so fucking happy.” You comment, finally. 

“He hasn’t seen it yet, it’s a surprise.” She just smiles, “Anyway, I need one more portrait done by the end of the semester. Want to pose for me?”

“Oh fuck, how long will that take?” You whine, already regretting coming to the art building.

She chortles again, quick with her hands over her mouth, “I’m not one of those artists who needs you in the same position for hours. I mean look at these, I go a little more abstract. Just need you to kind of look at me while I get started, maybe I’ll take a few reference photos of you for the rest.” 

You sort of wordlessly consent, and she sets off to work mixing colors. Feferi and Aradia seem to have gotten ahold of some giant pieces of scrap paper and extra watercolors and are making a terrifying collage of poorly-painted sea creatures and guts. You’re too tired to join them, just lean back into your chair and think about how nice sleep would be while Nepeta works on recreating your face on canvass. 

When you wake up, it’s dark, and Feferi is draped over Nepeta’s shoulders watching her paint your sleeping figure. 

“Mn, what the fuck time is it?” You grumble. You hate falling asleep, least of all in fucking public. 

“Hmm haven’t checked the clock in awhile, Fef?” Nepeta purrs up into her friend’s cheek. 

Feferi checks her gold watch, “Oh, it’s almost three. Maybe we should wake up creepy over there and head home?” 

Nepeta sighs, pokes at her canvass a bit, and covers her paints up with plastic, “Yeah I think I’ve gotten as far into this as I can for right now.” 

“Didn’t you need to take pictures of me or something? You’re shit out of luck if you think you can drag me down here all week, I’ve got papers to write.” You tell her pointedly. 

The girls giggle at you. 

“Don’t worry Karkat, I think we’ve got all the pictures we need” 

“Fuck both of you with a rusty fork”

It just makes them laugh more. Fuck Spring Break. 

 

Springtime hits a few weeks later, hard and fast. A tent is erected on the lawn that’ll remain there till the end of the school year, meant for big events like the Spring Formal and graduation. You’ve been dreading Spring Formal. You know your friends are going to force you to stand in that damn tent, packed in like sardines with the rest of the school, everyone wasted and dancing. It sounds awful. 

Lo and fucking behold, what are you doing tonight? 

“Tavros, fuck you, I’m not wearing this tie! Why do you have so many bowties? Vriska’s right, you actually are a huge loser.” You’re already in a suit, what more do these shit heads want? 

He argues with you about the tie the entire trek to Dave’s. That’s fifteen fucking minutes of contention about an article of fucking clothing. Holy shit do you need a drink. 

You don’t bother greeting your group of friends when you arrive at your pregame location, just march straight up to that smug douchebag in sunglasses and poke him in the chest, “Strider, vodka, now”. 

He gladly pours you a screwdriver, ruffles your hair a bit and tells you how cute you look all dressed up. You tell him he looks like fucking cotton candy, letting his hair fade like that. You know damn well he’s aching to go back to blonde, but you’ve kind of grown accustomed to being that troll with hot pink hair. 

Tavros tugs on your hand and pulls you into the corner, “Do uh, you think I could make a move on Vriska tonight?”

What the fuck, Tavros? Does he not see her snuggled up against John?

“Dude maybe let that bitch go” It’s the best advice you can give. 

“Will you guys drink faster? We’re going to be late.” John shouts from across the room at you, throwing a drunken arm around a very provocatively dressed Vriska. Tavros looks fucking livid. It’s hard not to laugh. 

Turns out none of your chick friends are good at walking in heels. They’re all trying, though. You end up giving Feferi a drunken piggy back ride to the tent, which is a questionable choice because you can only fucking vaguely see what’s going on around you. 

At some point you switched from mixed drinks to shots. Whoops. 

“Equiuuuus, Fefii, come dance with me!” Nepeta tugs on their hands the second you guys enter the dance. They runn off, Eridan trailing behind them.

It’s loud, and crowded, and hot. You’re sure you should be annoyed, but something about that bass is getting to you. Damn alcohol. Dave says something to you that you don’t catch, at all. You mouth “what” at him, and he leans in to your ear. 

“Dude we got fuckin ditched” 

You look around at your group of friends- or what remains of them. Tavros and John are both hovering around Vriska, Aradia and Sollux sort-of dancing at the edge of the dance floor. Yup, it’s just you and Dave. That’ll probably be less annoying than dealing with everyone. 

“Your brother is waving at us” You have to get right by his ear for him to hear you, and are pretty sure half the reason he understands is due to your pointing at his anime-haired relation. The kid is grinning at Dave from the other side of a small fence that marks the “beer garden”- a land only those 21 plus may enter. It’s quieter back there. You have no problem tailing Dave to talk to his brother through the fence. 

“Little bro, is this your date?” Dirk winks at you. 

“Don’t be jealous just cuz your boy toy isn’t here” Dave pulls you into his shoulder, obviously kidding. Still, you push him off you. 

You look directly at Dirk when you say, “Yeah, like he could really get a choice piece of ass like me”. 

Dirk slips you a shot through the fence just for being so talented at getting on Dave’s nerves.

Things are…. Hazy. 

This time when you get up onto your tiptoes to talk into Dave’s ear, you have to rest a hand on his shoulder so as to not fall over, “Le’s go see wh-what our friends are fucking getting up to”. 

He puts a hand on your back, guides you through the crowd. You step on a lot of feet. Some of them are Dave’s, on purpose. Others are just drunk stumbling. Stupid fucking humans getting the fuck in your drunk walking path. 

You’ve wandered to the edge of the dance floor when a hand grabs you by the waist, the other pale limb pointing vaguely in front of you, “Bro, John is getting his mack on with Vriska holy shiiiiit”. 

You see them, one hundred percent sucking face on the dance floor while Tavros stands awkwardly swaying a few feet away. 

“Le’s get Ta- hic- Tav outta here” You say, far too quietly for Dave to hear you, and also in the opposite direction. Regardless, you lead him to Tavros with his hand still firmly on your hip. 

You don’t even say anything to the kid, the second you’re in his line of vision he points emphatically at the opening of the tent, and you beeline towards it the best you can, bumping into a hundred other drunk bodies on your way out. You all end up seated on a stonewall twenty feet away from the party, taking swigs from Dave’s vodka-spiked Coca-Cola bottle. 

Tavros is whining next to Dave-damn are you glad you didn’t choose the seat in the middle- and Dave is patting him on the back, “I uh, I guess it’s dumb, she’s just uh, she’s always so mean to me”. 

“M’not sure that’s smthin’a get involved in, bro. Mean isn’a good relationship,” Dave’s accent is coming out and you’re so fucking caught on every missed syllable. 

“I’ve known the spider bitch since high school Tavros, she’s aaaallllllllllll bad news, fucking, the worst, fuck her,” Solid point, Karkat, you are so on top of your shit. 

“Y’know wha’ ya need? A nice make out, dude,” Dave begins, still sipping his drink. Usually you’re the drunker one, you aren’t used to seeing him like this. Better fix that. 

“Gimme, fuckass,” You say ‘fuckass’ half on purpose, just so he’ll yell at you. Instead he laughs and hands you the bottle. 

“Uh, who am I even supposed to kiss?” Tavros asks, motioning for a swig. 

You and Dave look at each other, really thinking about it. Finally you say, “Nepeta,” and Dave starts nodding. 

“What about Equius?” Tavros seems terrified. 

“In’t he all diamonds wit’ her or whatever? Does it even mat’er?” Dave, not understanding troll culture at all. 

“You uncultured fucker. ‘f ‘course moirail’s opinion matters. Dontcha remember jack shit about me ‘n Gamzee you shit butt?” You bump his arm with your shoulder, wishing you were taller so you could do more damage. You mostly just end up sinking into him, using him as support to sit up. 

“Also Equius could kick my ass.” Tavros adds, and the three of you crack the fuck up. 

“Nah, but seriously Tav, d’ya think she’s cute?” Dave is leaning back into you, now. There’s something on the edge of your mind telling you that you’d normally be yelling at him, but you can’t for the life of you guess why. 

“Doesn’t everyone?” Tavros confirms. 

You give him a huge thumbs up, “We are so going to the after party in the Blue Room then. Meenah was talking about it. Says it’s a make out fest”. 

Dave side eyes you, you see it through the edge of his shades, “So me n’ my date are goin’ to the make out after party?” 

You push him off you so hard he knocks into Tavros, “Already told Dirk I’m out of your league fucker.”

Time is funny when you’re drunk. You swear you just remember walking over to this damn tent a few minutes ago, but the party seems to be ending, plastered students meandering down Bates hill towards the Blue Room for this after party. 

“Uhh, do you uh, guys want to go?” Tavros’ speech is painfully slow at this point. You’re sure you’d mind if you were sober. 

“Stop back in Dave’s room f’ one more beer first? Ran out ‘f vodka,” You pose it like a question, but you’re already walking back that way. And then you stumble into a bush. 

Dave’s still laughing as he fishes you out, “I think y’r good on booze buddy, le’s go dance”. 

You thought the hill would be hard, but it turns out drunk running is fucking amazing. 

The after party is a shit show. You kind of think it’s beautiful. Dave is mumbling about forgetting his camera. Tavros’ eyes are filled with a kind of terrifying lust. You enter. 

If the actual formal was crowded, this is packed, just students standing on top of each other, on tables, half naked and grinding on any person or surface near them. You give up on the idea of finding Nepeta, immediately just shoving your body into the gyrating crowd with Dave in tow. Tavros is doing his best to slip through people without completely fucking them over with his horns, and it’s kind of hilarious. He comes back to the two of you with four of your friends in tow- Eridan, Feferi, Nepeta, and Equius. 

Eridan is so making his “I got what I wanted face”. You’d bet money that he and Fef kissed. In fact, you should bet money on it. 

You pull Dave’s face down towards you so you can yell into his ear, “Dude bet you ten dollars Eridan and Feferi kiss tonight.” 

He takes your face in his hands and directs it back towards the group- oh. Eridan and Feferi are already making out. Fuck. 

You decide that continuing to meddle in your friends’ romantic lives is boring as shit, especially when the music is so good. You think you actually hate this song but fuck, vodka, right? You kind of wish there was a little more room between you and getting-hotter-and-heavier by the second Eridan and Feferi, but Dave is on your other side, so you just dance into him to avoid your grinding friends. There was definitely a time in your life when you would have murdered someone before dancing, but alcohol seems to have erased that boundary. That, and Dave’s weird elbow moves are too dorky not to mock. 

“Oh shit Karkat, Tavros did it.” Dave’s voice in your ear again, hands on your hips spinning you around to observe. Shit, Tavros really, truly is sucking face with Nepeta. She’s got her tiny hands wrapped around his horns and everything. Oh, oh fuck, oh fuck oh fuck, Equius. 

You pull Tavros out of the way just in time to avoid the bigger kid’s punch. Dave grabs the both of you by your shirts, pulls you through the crowd all the way onto the asphalt outside. He throws you down on your asses, starts laughing, claps Tavros on the back. 

“Fuckin’ got yourself into a fistfight over a girl, nice bro.” 

It’s got you laughing, too, until you see how completely fucking mortified your roommate looks, “Tav, what’s wrong with you? You kissed a girl lighten the fuck up.” 

“I’m gonna vomit” 

He does. 

Fucking vodka. 

He’s not doing the best job standing, and it’s hard as hell to drag him up the hill even with Dave’s help. The two idiots have locked themselves in some stupid “distract Tavros from his puking” slurry rap battle, and you fucking swear you couldn’t find worse free styling in the bathroom of a private school in the middle of suburbia. 

Your room is stuffy as fuck, so you let Tavros empty his stomach over the side of your balcony before depositing him in bed. He’s out the second he hits the sheets, and you haphazardly place a trashcan by his head just in case he wakes up to heave in the middle of the night. 

“Dude I’m not walkin’ all the way home,” Dave tells you, already taking off his suit jacket and dress pants, “Gimme a t-shirt t’wear”. 

You toss him a silly shirt with a crab on it, “S’not like you haven’t invited yourself to stay over a million fucking times before, jackass.” 

This time, you actually plan on sleeping though. That’ll be new. Oh, fuck, pillows, yes. Dave’s laying pretty close to you, arms touching, with him on his back and you on your stomach. 

“I’m gonna yell at you for staying in my bed tomorrow.” 

“Fuckin’ lookin’ forward to it.”

You move a little closer to him. Just because you need more room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> dave n karkat getting a lil snuggly in honor of one full week of canon davekat <3 let's hope that shit lasts


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warnings: Blood mention, surgery, dysphoria, alcohol, prescription drugs

“Rox, you really don’t have to do this,” You’ve been on the phone with your sister feeling guilty for about an hour now. 

“Daaave calm your shit,” She’s a fantastic emotional coach, really. 

“You just got access to your trust fund, I can wait till I get mine to-“

“Dude we’ve been over this a hundred times, chill out yo. Do you have any idea how much our maybe-parents, maybe-genetic engineers left us? Noooo, you don’t, because me and dad Egbert deal with all the cash. It’s a lot of money, Dave-bro. All packed away in bonds and trust funds so we don’t spend it on, I don’t know, hundreds of anime swords. I’ve got mine now. The full fund. Gonna use it on making my baby bro happy. When you get yours and see how much money we’ve got and how little this is in comparison, you can go ahead and not worry about paying me back.” She really has told you this countless times. You still feel like a dick. 

“You’ve set shit up with the doctor?” You ask.

“Yeah man, just waiting on your go ahead. But hey, if this isn’t about the money, you can be nervous kid. You can be a dude who wears a binder. You don’t need the surgery if it’s freaking you out. Surgery is a big deal.” She’s stupid good at knowing when you’re nervous. 

“No, I mean, no I guess I’m anxious or whatever, but I want to do this. This summer. Shit, I’d do it right the fuck now if I could.” You tell her.

“You want me to finish setting up the details for you?” Yup, she knows you damn well. 

“Yeah I don’t wanna talk on the phone.” Fuck the phone. I mean, you’re on it now, but that’s with Roxy. Roxy doesn’t count as a person, “Anyway, I just got to work, got to go.”

“You don’t have to work kid, I could have dad Egbert figure out a way to access one of your bonds a little early for spending money…” Your sister is a fucking rad mom. You wish she weren’t saddled with your sorry ass so she could be out making babies of her own. 

“Nah, no worries, I like my job here. See you in a few weeks, Roxy.” You hang up and take a breather outside the Music Library. 

Okay, shit. You’re getting fucking top surgery this summer, courtesy of your stupidly generous sister. Alright. Word. Game changer. About to feel so much less dysphoric. Sweet. You can’t fucking wait to tell John and Karkat, John who’s been listening to you freak out about your tits for the past ten years, and Karkat who… who is Karkat, and totally would want to know that this is a thing that you’re doing. Yeah. 

“Yo, Kanaya, here I am, ready for my shift- oh my god, are you Skyping Rose right now? You’re on the clock, boss lady, seriously? My sister? Right in front of my poor virgin eyes?” It’s safe to say you’ve gotten real tight with Kanaya since she and your sister fell head over heels in sweet sweet denial of their love over winter break. 

“Virgin eyes? I’ve walked in on some stuff that suggests your eyes are anything but virgin. Unless your eyes were closed when you and-” Rose cackles from the computer screen, cut off by Kanaya.

“Ah, Dave. Your sister and I were waiting for you to arrive. We have some news for you.” Kanaya smiles, politely. 

“It seems your boss has completely stolen my heart, so much so that I’m willing to give up my life of casual sex and commit myself only to her.” Rose waggles her eyebrows at you. You’re honestly surprised as hell. Last you heard, they were just “close friends”. 

“I hope you won’t find it too odd if I spend some time at your house this summer?” Kanaya offers, as if you really have a choice. 

“Whatever makes my sis happy. My room is nowhere near hers, you get up to whatever you want over there. Maybe check with Roxy though, she’s like, one bedroom over,” You wink. They both blush a bit, and Rose says something catty that you don’t really listen to. You decide to spend the majority of your shift shelving all the books kids are bringing in now that the semester’s nearly over. You aren’t so much interested in interrupting a romance Skype call. 

But hey, maybe Rose being in a stable relationship for once will give you a chance to actually hang with her this summer, in a way that isn’t just making dinosaur shaped pancakes for the random chicks she sends out of her room. You’ll kill her if she breaks Kanaya’s heart and gets you fired, though. 

Kanaya leaves halfway through your shift. It’s almost seven at night, and you’re fairly certain she just worked for twelve hours straight. You have no idea how that woman does the shit she does, this place would fall the fuck apart without her. Especially with workers like you, who drop their tasks and kick back behind the desk the second you’re unsupervised. 

TG: yo kk no one’s in the ML rn I’m bored come hang out  
CG: I WAS ALREADY HEADING THAT WAY TO DO SOME WORK  
CG: ARE YOU CLOSING TONIGHT?  
TG: yup  
CG: GREAT, SO YOU’LL BE ATTEMPTING TO DISTRACT ME THE ENTIRE TIME I’M WRITING MY PAPER  
TG: yeah man that sounds like me  
CG: SLDFALKDSJFDSAA

He walks in three minutes later, carrying way too many books to be good for him. 

“Dude you still aren’t done with your papers? Shit I finished all my shit last week,” You did, but only because Karkat makes you spend so much time doing work with him. 

He just gives you this big, pained stare, “Are you kidding me? I’ve never even seen you concentrate for more than ten minutes at a time, how in seedfucking’s name did you manage to finish before me? The universe must be playing some sick fucking joke.” 

“Riiiight, anyway, I’m meeting John at Nepeta’s art class show or whatever after this. I’ve been promised wine and cheese. Interested?” You offer. 

“I’m the subject of her largest painting, of course I’m going.” He says it like you should have known. 

You actually do shut the fuck up and let him work, minus a few interruptions to show him some hilarious Vines. Three of which may or may not have been your own. You’re goddamn hilarious. 

The walk to the art building is fucking beautiful. Y’all get to take this semi-secret winding stone staircase underneath all the newly-budding trees. It’s the kind of pretty that makes even fucking Karkat shut up and take in the scenery. That’s a kind of beauty you can get on board with. 

You pause at the door to the building, slightly apprehensive of showing your face around the show knowing that you’re in one of Nepeta’s paintings. You haven’t even seen it yet. Luckily Karkat is an asshole, “Are you going in or did you just take me here to stare at a fucking door all day? Is this what qualifies as art on your stupid human planet?” 

“Dude you’ve lived here long enough to stop sticking ‘human’ in front of everything you say” You jest, but get your shit together and actually walk through the door. 

Nepeta’s shit is like, dead fucking center. Not of the whole show, she’s a fucking freshman, but in her class’ section. There’re tons of good portraits, but you have to give this girl props, there’s something unique about hers. You aren’t going to pretend to be an art critique or anything here, but those are some fine colors and brush strokes. 

“Yo, Nep, these are great. I- is this me?” You’re kind of taken aback when your eyes glance over the painting you posed for. She’s got everything amped up with these red undertones, and fuck, fuck, you’re shirtless. You knew you would be but- wow, “Nep this is….”. 

She can tell you don’t know how to continue and just kind of gives you a big hug before calling over the rest of your friends to give you some space. This fucking summer, you’re going to look like this. You are totally not crying. Nope. How lame would that be? 

Karkat trails along behind you when you step outside again to take a breather, “Did you not like it?” 

You laugh when he asks, because it’s so fucking stupid, “No, dude, I loved it, I fucking loved it. Just kind of killing me that it’s now how I am... yet. I shouldn’t have asked her to do it. Fucking masochistic.” 

“You look nice with your shirt of either way,” He says, and you totally don’t give him shit for sounding like he’s hitting on you when you know he’s just trying to make you feel better. 

“I talked to Roxy today.”

“Uhh, sure, we can talk about that too,” He squints his eyes at you. 

“No, no, about that. About my… about the surgery,” You don’t really know how much Karkat knows about this, don’t know where to begin. 

He looks excited, must get what you’re saying, “Are you going to do it? Do you want to?” 

“This summer.” 

He looks bummed out for a second, then says, “You’re going to be so fucking happy. Or, well, probably not, you’re a pessimistic little shit with his head up his ass, but you’ll have one less thing to freak the fuck out about.” 

“You’re pissed you won’t be there to see it, aren’t you?” You laugh. He totally is, selfish little dick. 

He gets all flustered, “I never fucking said that Strider! Who the shit cares how I feel, I’m trying to be comforting here, support your big life decision, and here you are making me out to be some nook fucker who just wants to see you topless.” 

“You can come visit if you want.” 

“Really?” 

“Ha, gotcha, I knew you just wanted to see. But yeah no, come visit. You’re close to Washington, aren’t you? I’ve got some money saved up. Roxy’s insisting on paying for the whole surgery thing on her own so I could fly you up. Have you taking care of me in the hospital and shit. Bringing me jello. Giving me sponge baths.” You flick your tongue against your lip, make that shit real sexual. 

“I won’t be bringing you jack shit. Kind of wanted an excuse to get the fuck out of the troll facility I’m from, though. Don’t really have friends there besides Terezi and Gamzee, and fuck is my brother annoying.” He tells you. 

“Uh I thought trolls didn’t have siblings?” You question. 

“We don’t, really. Kankri’s just the same blood color as me. Older. He was already on Earth when I had to leave Alternia, leave my lusus. Just made sense for them to stick me with him. They put us anywhere they could. Would’ve been better on my own… fuck it.” He brushes past the topic. 

“You’ll have to stay with Egbert a few days, while I’m in the hospital.” He warns. 

“Oh, fuck, his family is so regular, aren’t they?” 

You can’t help but laugh at his actually serious question, “Dude you have no idea. There’s like, an actual parent and everything.” 

“I don’t think I’ll ever understand parents. You monkeys are so pathetic.” 

You chuckle again, “Dude I’m with you there, we sure as shit didn’t need parents over in the Strider-Lalonde house. Well, except to bail Roxy out of her pretty horrible depressive alcohol binge. Dad Egbert is the shit. He’s going to bake so much for you. Oh, damn, you’ve got a summer birthday, don’t you?”

“Yeah?”

“Just… just take the cake when John’s dad gives it to you. It’s better if you take the cake.” You’ve tried not taking the cake. You’ve all tried not taking the cake. 

Karkat’s looking at you like you’ve grown two heads, “Humans are dumb.”

“You think we’re fucking great. Now let’s get back to this art show. We’re the fucking models, gotta make sure everyone sees our faces.” 

You’re psyched to get back to the dorm with John, have some one on one bro time, really hash out your feelings. He’s been spending most of his time in Vriska’s room, or in your room with Vriska, but you figure he’ll make an exception if you’ve got some important shit to talk about, “Hey, man, can we have a bros night?” 

“Oh, you aren’t going out with Karkat?” He asks.

“No, what? No, Romeo, you and Vriska won’t have the room to yourselves tonight. How about we watch some movies, play some games?” You clarify. Have you been spending that much time with Karkat?

He eyes you suspiciously, “Dave, what did you do?” 

“What, I have to have done something to want some bro time?” 

“Uh, yeah.” 

“Okay, well, to be fair I do have some news,” God you hate when he’s right. 

“Duhh, told you. Spit it out, Dave.” 

You’d always imagined John would be the first person you’d tell about this. But he wasn’t. You already got the whole awkward first saying it to someone out with Karkat. And it wasn’t even awkward. You’re feeling pretty cool to just dive right in at this point, “Top surgery dude. It’s happening. This summer. For real.” 

“We can finally have a pool party.” 

He says it like it’s something you’ve been planning forever. Neither of you even have a pool, “Uh, John? Has the Egbert family been hiding some big fucking water hole in the ground from me? Cuz, ya know, I could have just worn a t-shirt.”

He starts cracking up, “No, oh, okay, so I guess it’s a big inside joke. Jade and I were always begging Dad for a pool as a kid, and Jane got so fed up with us she just told us that we couldn’t get one until you’d be able to use it too.” 

“One more time, t-shirt.”

“I was ten, what did I know?” 

“I wasn’t even out then, shit. Was I really always that weird about taking of my shirt?” You ask him. You don’t remember back then so well. That was the heart of Roxy’s drinking problem. Mostly you remember being shuffled back and forth between your actual house and the Egbert’s. 

“We had to go to one of Dad’s fancy business meetings one time, tried to put you and Rose in dresses. You wouldn’t let anyone help you into it, didn’t want them seeing you naked. I thought it was so weird, especially since Dad had to have all those long talks with Rose about not parading around in her underwear anymore. And then you-“ 

“Oh shit I remember that day, you came in and told me how pretty I looked and I socked you in the face and made you lend me a suit while everyone was distracted.” You finish the story for him. 

“Wish we’d known more about, uh, gender and stuff back then,” He says, lamely. 

“Yeah, the next five years of my life were confusing and awful. For you, too, I guess. But hey, look where we’re at now, Egbert,” Besides, high school is shit for everyone, right? And you and John are still best friends. 

“Dave, this summer! That’s like, a few weeks away! Are you excited? Are you freaked out? Is the surgeon near us, how long will you be in the hospital?” Nine thousand questions, all of which Roxy is figuring out for you. 

“Yeah the guy I saw over Spring Break. And I don’t know. I just want it to be happening. Oh, uh, Karkat wants to come,” You throw in at the end. You know Karkat will have to spend at least some of the time with the Egbert’s, unless he really wants to be locked in a house with your three insane siblings and robots without your supervision, and maybe you should have run that past John first, but you know he’ll be cool with it. 

“He does? Why? Oh, he can stay with us while you’re in the hospital! I’ll show him all our old year books and take him around town, yeah, sweet!” Cool, he’s excited about it. 

“Yeah he’s just, I guess I’ve talked to him a bunch about the surgery, so, he’s just curious, wants to be there, whatever. I don’t think his home situation is so hot anyway. His exes and stuff,” You explain. 

He smiles for a second, but then gets all pensive, “Shit, I owe Vriska ten dollars now”. 

“Uh, why?” 

“She bet me that you two couldn’t spend the whole summer apart. Fuck.” 

That’s a weird bet. 

“Uh why the fuck did she bet you that?” You ask. 

He gets all red, giggles, “She thinks you have a crush on him. But don’t worry Dave, I wouldn’t be able to go a whole three months without seeing you, either. She just doesn’t understand bros. She’s not the best with friends….” 

Huh. Granted, Vriska actually is terrible with friends, besides Terezi. But. Huh. 

You ask him to throw on one of your favorite movies, decide not to think about it. 

You have no problem breezing through the rest of the semester. You just have to go to a few classes, turn in your conference projects, do some presentations. Mostly you just drink with your friends and sit in the library while Karkat stresses out editing papers that were perfect three drafts ago. 

The last Saturday before all the students not graduating get kicked off campus is, you come to find out, this big festival on the lawn. They call it Bacchanalia, which you still can’t spell for the fucking life of you, no matter how many times your friends text the words to you. 

Your dorm is right by the lawn, so you guys get out there early. Nepeta and Feferi bring out blankets for you all to lounge on, and John and Vriska carry out a cooler full of vodka infused juices. You were on snack duty, have so many chips lined up, some fucking hummus and veggies. Equius and Eridan come out in time to catch the first student band that’s performing for everyone, and Karkat and Tavros stumble over from their far-as-fuck dorm an hour later. Your friends are two joints deep by this point, and you’re feeling a little buzzed. 

“Uh Dave, did you guys bring enough booze for Karkat and I?” Tavros asks. The girls are all up and dancing to the jam band with John, just you, Eridan, and Equius on the blankets. You’re glad these two finally showed up because, really, fuck Eridan and Equius. Tavros still gets jumpy around the blue-blood troll after the Nepeta incident. 

“Yeah we have so much, just poured all the rest of the stuff we had left over from the year into juice we stole from the Pub. Can’t take this shit on planes, drink up.” 

Karkat and Eridan get along weirdly well. Probably because they’re both assholes and obsessed with romance, “Did you all get your dorm assignments for next year yet? Weren’t you trying to get one of the Slonim houses together or something?” 

“Well I got a single Hill House. I wanted a kitchen.” Eridan tells Karkat. 

“Sollux and I got adjoining singles in McCracken. Right down the hall from where Dave’s room is now. No kitchen, but singles are nice, and it’ll only be the two of us sharing a bathroom,” Karkat says. 

“We did get our house,” You begin, “Slonim three, right by the willow tree. Me, John, Fef, Nep, Equius, Tavros, Vriska, and Aradia. It’s all single rooms, sharing a big ass kitchen. Only two bathrooms, but whatever.” 

“We should have a ton of parties” Tavros smiles. 

“I didn’t agree to parties,” You hear Equius mumble, but then he gives you all a tiny, barley visible smile, “I’m kidding, everyone. Nepeta has appropriately prepared me for your low blood undertakings.” 

“Yo Karks, the swings are free, I’ll race you,” You tell him, snatching up a bottle of booze and juice and trotting over before he gives you a response. You hear him grumbling, but when you get to the swings he’s there with you. 

“I can’t just sit down for five fucking seconds?” He’s protesting, but you know damn well he likes the swings. 

“So Dirk and I fly out tonight. All packed and shit already,” You tell him. It’s not on purpose, but you’re both definitely already caught in a game of ‘who can swing higher’. Just kidding, it’s totally the fuck on purpose. 

“Yeah, I’m gone tomorrow morning. Are you going to be drunk on the plane? That sounds like vomit waiting to happen,” He’s really good at swinging. You totally have to actually put in effort to keep up with him. 

“So my surgery is on the day you fly in, John’ll pick you up from the airport, y’all can come bother me while I’m out of my mind on painkillers and shit. Don’t take advantage of me,” You say.

He jumps off mid-swing, turns around and looks at you, “If you’re freaking out just say it, don’t hide it behind this veiled attempt to swing and plan a trip we’ve had sorted out for weeks.” 

You stop your swing more rationally and hop off, “Fuck that, let’s drink more and dance with our friends.” 

He gives you a look that reads ‘shit you’re an idiot’, but stalks back over to your friends regardless. 

\-----------------------------------------

Two weeks. It’s only been two fucking weeks, and you’re leaving tomorrow, but you are ready to bash your head in tonight. Kankri is insufferable. He’s not your brother, not your parent, but he’s taken this vague guardian role way too fucking seriously, merged into human culture far too hard for your liking. On Alternia, your lusus would have been completely dependent of you before you were six sweeps old, but here you are, the ripe age of eighteen human years, and Kankri is lecturing you about summer safety and coming to visit during holidays. If Kankri wouldn’t flip his literal shit, you’d have moved all your shit out and never come back the second you moved to college. Probably you’re vaguely obligated to him for all the financial support he offered you while you were forced to go to human school, though. So, yeah, you agree to come see him before storming out for some space. 

It’s not that trolls have a curfew, or aren’t allowed in the normal human parts of the city. It’s just, at night like this, the cops tend to manhandle trolls past nine pm, stop and frisk them, push them up against walls. Somehow even that seems more appealing than another second in your respite block right now. 

You should have expected to run into her, really. She’s been texting you since you got back and honestly, knowing fucking Terezi, has probably been tailing you every time you leave your quarters. 

“Candy blood, you really wandering out of the troll zone this late? You’re going to get your ass dragged to jail.” Terezi steps out of the shadows in front of you, all decked out in her creepy dragon hat. You’re- huh. You’re actually not wanting to pin her against the wall and kiss her. At all. 

“I feel like ignoring all your texts was a pretty clear fucking indicator that, just maybe, I’m not in the mood to talk to you,” You say at her through gritted teeth. 

“Karkat, come on, don’t be a wuss. It’s not easy for me, either, but you’re here all summer, and I know you don’t have heaps of friends lined up waiting to hang out,” She’s smiling with her big sharp teeth, looks menacing as hell in the dark. 

You growl at her, “Yeah thanks for reminding me. And no, I won’t be here all summer. I’m going to Dave’s.” 

Her smile gets even bigger, but she doesn’t say anything. 

“What? You think that’s funny?” 

“No, I just, I’m glad you’re making friends at school,” She’s chuckling under her breath and you don’t know why. 

“What the fuck do you want from me? Can we just get to the point? I don’t have time to sit here listening to you laugh your secret little Terezi laughs at my expense. I have clothes to pack, food to eat, people to yell at on the internet,” You sneer. 

“Honestly Vantas, I thought we left on better terms than this,” She huffs out. 

Oh. Yeah, alright, fuck, “I have zero desire to get into this weird fuck fest you and Gamzee are a part of. I didn’t as your matesprit, and I still don’t as just friends, or what the fuck ever.” 

She shuffles her feet. It’s weird, before she was open as hell about the Gamzee thing. She almost looks ashamed? Finally she says, “Then text me, not Gamzee.” 

“What you just, want to start talking again? Just be friends again?” You sound more annoyed than you are. It’d be cool being friends with Terezi, you guess. You spent a really long fucking time giving a shit about her, it’d be nice to know what was going on with her. 

“Stop being such a pansy and promise you’ll call, one time Karkat. One time. I’ve got Strider’s number, I’ll make him make you do it,” She threatens. 

“Lay off, fuck, if it’s that big of a deal I’ll text you, holy shit,” you yield. 

She sticks out her hand, wants to shake on it. You grab it, fine, make it a binding fucking pact, whatever Terezi. Her sleeve is coming up a bit. She’s got these crazy bruises running up her arm.

“Terezi, what the fuck is that?” You point at them, trying to pull her sleeve up further, but she jerks away. 

“We’d better get back inside. Cops have been getting real aggressive around here at night,” She’s deflecting, you both know it, and you know- you fucking know- Gamzee did that shit to her, but you aren’t going to get anywhere tonight, you can tell. So you follow her back into the troll sector, hug her goodbye outside your respite block, completely ignore Kankri when he greets you, and hop the fuck on Skype. 

CG: HEY VIDEO CHAT ME  
TG: what if I’m busy  
CG: WHAT IF I’M THE FUCKING KING OF EARTH

Your Skype starts ringing, and you answer. 

“Dude what up? I’m supposed to be all resting and shit, getting ready for tomorrow. You all packed? Ready to spend two whole months livin’ with the Strider crew?” He looks sleepy as shit, bundled up under a bunch of blankets. 

“I know I’m supposed to be asking you how you are, but here, let’s just play this out real fast. I ask if you’re okay, you tell me yes, I yell at you and tell you you’re a fucking liar, you deflect with a lame joke, blah blah blah, end up telling me you’re nervous, it’s a beautiful bro moment, whatever. I’ve got something important to talk about. I saw Terezi today. She’s got… Gamzee… he’s hurting her,” You’re trying to whisper, not let Kankri overhear, but you have some trouble with your volume control. 

You see his normal expressionless face frown for a split second before he says, “I didn’t know you were talking to Terezi.”

“I just ran into her today. That’s not really the point here.” 

He frowns again, “Are you sure this isn’t you just overreacting because you’re jealous?” 

“Wow, way to have faith in my judgment, Dave! I feel so appreciated! No, no, I have zero feelings for Terezi anymore, except that I’ve been friends with her for six years and really would like for her not to get hit by a clown,” You feel your throat growling a little, on reflex. 

He pauses, adjusts his glasses, “Do you think she’d listen if you talked to her about it? Maybe I should text her or some shit.” 

“No, I, she couldn’t even look at me when I asked her about it. Am I supposed to just watch this happen?” You shake your head. 

“Why don’t you call Vriska? Isn’t she from around there?”

“She’s on Alternia all summer. Visiting her lusus.” 

“I feel like she’s your best bet, man. Maybe we just invite TZ to come visit next year.” You know he’s right. Terezi isn’t the best about listening when she’s got her mind set on something. 

“Fucking, whatever. Just, fuck that juggalo prick. I can’t believe I’m totally over Terezi, girl I was going to matesprit marry, but I still want to rip his throat out so bad,” You grumble. 

He snickers, “Dude, I can get on board with you there after all the shit you’ve told me about him. Fuck it though. You’re getting on a plane tomorrow. Let’s focus on shit you can control, like everything you’re gonna grab from duty free.” 

You end up falling asleep with Skype still open, but when you’re alarm goes off in the morning Dave is gone. He must already be off at the hospital, fuck. 

CG: YOU’RE PROBABLY ALREADY KNOCKED OUT OR WHATEVER  
CG: BUT I HOPE SHIT GOES WELL  
CG: AND I’LL SEE YOU IN LIKE EIGHT HOURS  
TG: not knocked out yet, just got here  
TG: thanks bro  
TG: ps you’re adorable when you’re sleeping  
CG: I TAKE BACK ALL MY NICE WORDS

Time to pack your shit and get on a plane. 

 

Usually you hate airplanes, it reminds you of the ship you were packed into during your evacuation from Alternia. This one is small, though. They walked you all out to the tarmac, and there are only maybe twenty seats on the flight. The huge propellers are fun to watch, too. 

John meets you at baggage claim, with a tiny guy who looks just like him, “Karkat! This is my brother, Jake. Some bags with your name on them already came around. Is this everything?” 

“Yeah, I’ve got them- John I’ve got them. Jesus, fuck, fine, carry my shit, suit yourself. Hi, Jake. I’m Karkat,” You argue. 

“Oh, shucks, I’ve never met a troll before! He’s just as surly as you suggested John, this is great! I can’t wait to show you all around the great state of Washington!” John’s brother cheers at you. There’s like a sixty percent chance you punch him in the face by the end of the summer. 

“Let’s focus on getting to the hospital. Shouldn’t Dave be getting out by now? Has anyone talked to Rose?” You’re a little worried about him, okay? Surgery isn’t really something that happens on Alternia. 

“He should be heading to recovery soon. It only took us twenty minutes to get here! If we leave now I bet he’ll still be all sleepy when we get there!” John seems way too excited. Are you being unnecessarily anxious? It’s surgery. Anesthesia. 

“Can we just hurry?” 

“Don’t worry old chap, Dave will be fine!” Seriously, you might punch Jake. 

Rose greets you in the lobby when you get to the hospital and leads you up to his room. Roxy paid for a private room so she or Dirk could stow away in there overnight until he’s released. 

“He was still asleep when I came down here. The nurses keep hinting that we’re crowding him, but he was insistent that we all be there when he wakes up. He was worried you wouldn’t make it in time,” Rose tells you. She acts like she’s talking to your whole group, but she looks pointedly at you the entire time. 

Dave is still completely konked out when you get up to his room. It’s freaking you to see him like this, all hooked up to wires in an oxygen mask, so you’re almost glad to have literally the entire Strider-Lalonde-Egbert clusterfuck in there to meet and catch up with. Roxy gives you a huge hug. She seems to be the only one as freaked out as you. 

“Hey, Karkat, so this is Jane, Jake’s twin sister. And this is dad Egbert. Everyone, Karkat,” Roxy smiles. She’s shaking a bit. Jane comes over and gives you a quick hug before ushering Roxy out of the room for a snack break. Dad Egbert looks like… a dad. A generic human father. You’re not quite sure what to make of that, but he gives you a silent smile and handshake and shit if you can’t respect silence. Too bad none of his kids, biological or otherwise, picked up on that trait. 

Jane closes the door a bit loudly when she and Roxy return from the vending machine, and Dave stirs. 

“Mmph, ther’s a lot ‘f you here” Dave mumbles, groggy as hell. You all immediately drop your conversations and crowd around his bed. You’re sure every single person wants to say something- you sure as fuck do- but Roxy takes the lead. 

“Hey, you feeling less like vomiting now little bro?” She places her hand lightly on his forehead, and he smiles. 

“Sooo much better. ‘m so sleepy. Yo, Karbro. You’re here. Hey. What up. Come check out my chest dude. Ow. Oh, hm. Fuck I’m on drugs huh?” Dave is so tired and drugged up, you wish you could hug him. 

“Janey, come get a nurse with me? We just need to have someone check on you now that you’re up, Dave. All of you, back off, give him some room,” Roxy really does treat him like he’s her kid. It’s kind of adorable. You and the Egberts take a few steps back, let Dave talk with Rose and Dirk for a few minutes. 

“You feeling okay, kid?” You’ve seen Dirk give Dave shit all year. A whole bunch of shit. He’s playing the big brother part really well right now, though, concerned as shit. 

“Yeah, I guess. Just so sleepy. There’s a lot of people here.” He’s struggling to sit up a bit, and Dirk just kind of presses on his forehead until he gives up.

“Hey, let’s give him some actual space,” Rose declares. 

You all shuffle towards the door, save Dirk and Roxy, till you hear Dave protesting, “No, man, Karkat, just, he flew all the way, let’s just hang out.”

You feel a little smug, being the one person he wants to talk to. 

“Yo Rose, how about we go grab some food? You haven’t eaten all day. Roxy’ll be here with the nurse in a few. Karkat, you got him till then?” Dirk winks at you, like he’s in on some joke that you know nothing about. 

“He’s pretty pathetic right now, I think I’ve got it under control,” You agree. 

“I’ll bring your bags in, Karkat. We’ll swing by later to pick you up. Hey, Dave, I love you bro! You look great,” John says. 

Dave laughs, “No Egbert, YOU look great.” 

Out of it Dave is kind of cute. Oh. Fuck. 

Everyone filters out, it’s just you and Dave, and shit is that a good excuse to nope just never think those thoughts again. Have to take care of post-op kid. 

“I didn’t mean for everyone to leave. I’m just starting to wake up and figure out what the fuck is going on- ow, oh, fuck, ow.” He tries sitting up again, and you pap him down by the face just like Dirk did. 

“You just got out of surgery bulge brain, why are you trying to move? Wait for the fucking nurse.” You try yelling a little less loudly than you usually do. Really try. Hard. 

“Dude, they’re gone.” He says, referencing his chest, and moves the blanket down as you take a seat on the edge of his bed. There’s bandages and a compression binder in the way, but, yeah, they are gone. You don’t realize how big you’re smiling until he points it out, “You look happier than me, Karks.” 

“Yeah, well, now I don’t have to harass you out of your binder every time you pass out on my bed. You know how shitty it is to be kicked off your own mattress by a kid who can’t even remember basic binder health?” You grunt. 

He flicks you on the thigh, “Bro I don’t kick you out, you just choose not to sleep.” 

Roxy comes back in at just the right time, just when your mind was starting to drift to thinking of all the annoying things about Dave that give you aggressive butterflies. Butterflies that make you want to punch him with your words. Right, Roxy. 

“Nurse is coming in a sec! I come bearing water. She’s getting your lunch or whatever. But she says you’ll probably still be to nauseous to eat it, so, no worries,” She keeps smiling, but even just-off-anesthesia Dave can see the tears brimming behind her eyes. 

“Thanks, sis. Really. For, this whole thing. Aw, Rox, don’t cry I’m happy! I’m fine. The surgery went well,” Dave tells her. 

You don’t really know what it’s like to have a sibling. All you’ve got is a Kankri. This whole thing is… so endearing it’s making you a little ill. Fucking humans, spilling their emotions everywhere. 

You get to stay for a few more hours. They let him take his oxygen mask off when food comes in, and it makes him look eighty percent less terrifying. Less dying-in-a-human-hospital, more Dave. He’s had his damn glasses on the entire time. Dirk must have slipped them on the second he got out of the operating theater. You’ve still never seen this kid’s eyes. 

By far, your favorite part of the evening is when they give him a dose of morphine. Kid looks dead into your eyes and says, “Oh my god, I’m laying on Appa. Get on this flying buffalo with me, Karkat, oh, shit”. Of course this nerd is pseudo-hallucinating creatures from a children’s cartoon. 

The on-call doctor comes by just before John picks you up to take a look at his chest. You can tell Dave is in a shit ton of pain, despite the morphine, when his binder and bandages are being removed. It’s bloody and gross under that mess, and his chest is swollen, and the incisions are just, oh, god, the gore of it. He’s a little freaked out, you can tell. 

“Hey bro, when the swelling goes down, damn. I might not be the sexiest Strider anymore,” Dirk tells him. 

“Stop panicking, Dave, you look exactly like you should,” Rose opts for a more practical approach. Roxy is just cooing at him, dishing out compliments. 

“The way the colors are right now, you look just like Nepeta’s trippy fucking painting of you,” You finally say. 

“Shit, Karkat, you’re so right. Picture. Go, send her a picture, fuck yes,” You take one, and send it to her. 

John walks in minutes later, and you give the two of them some space to have their special bro time before the nurse kicks the two of you out. You spend the night on John’s sofa, not quite up to having the sleep over in his room that he was hoping for. You’re exhausted, physically and emotionally. Just want some time to sleep this shit off on your own. 

Your phone lights up right as you’re about to fall asleep.

TG: dude this morphine  
TG: I swear I’m on a bunny  
CG: I THOUGHT IT WAS APPA  
TG: haha oh shit am I that high?   
TG: dude send me that pic  
CG: [carcinoGeneticist attached 1 image]  
TG: its so rad that you came  
TG: dude make john take you to the store and stock my house with aj before I get home  
CG: YOU’RE DEMANDING AS FUCK TONIGHT, AREN’T YOU?  
TG: just milking this post op thing as long as I can bro  
TG: it’s not every day karkat vantas is nice to me  
CG: GO THE FUCK TO SLEEP   
CG: AND CONSIDER MY ‘NICENESS’ OVER  
CG: SINCE YOU’RE BEING SO OBTUSE ABOUT IT  
TG: shh bro I’m sleeping  
CG: FUCK YOU  
TG: you’re just jealous you aren’t sleeping on a fucking bunny yo

You shove your phone under your pillow and close your eyes. Dave on painkillers is a little too fucking much for you right now. 

You wake up to the smell of actual home cooked food and jovial discussion coming from the kitchen. You should probably find it endearing or comforting or something, but mostly you’re annoyed. You’d much rather be holed away in your own space, eating some pop tarts you stowed away under you bed. Instead you get a face full of- oh fuck, huge dog, huge fucking dog. 

“Oh no, Bec! Down boy, down! Ha ha, Karkat, are you okay? We’ve got French toast and eggs and bacon!” John pulls the dog off of you and ushers you into the kitchen. Normally you’d be embarrassed eating in front of strangers with just your sweat pants and a t-shirt on, but the whole Egbert clan is decked out in PJs. Jake’s short shorts are making you slightly uncomfortable. 

Fuck if that food isn’t good, though. 

Dirk shows up halfway through breakfast and plants a kiss on Jake’s cheek. It’s pretty obvious that Dave’s family has an open invitation here. 

“So Dave’s back home, drove him this morning. He’s sleeping again. Kid can’t handle pain meds for shi- ah, sorry,” You never seen Dirk apologize before, but he gives dad Egbert a nod of regret for his almost-bad language. Huh. 

“Do Rose and Roxy want us to bring you guys some food? There’s plenty of leftovers,” Jane asks. Dirk, busy stuffing his face, just kind of nods. 

“Karkat, come to the grocery store with me and Jane! We’ll get some groceries for their place and then go see Dave. Are you sleeping there tonight or should we set up an air mattress over here?” John asks. 

You kind of just stare blankly at him. You have no idea what Dave wants you to do. 

Dirk comes to your rescue, in between bites, “Oh, he’s coming to our place, we’ve got to induct him into the Strider-Lalonde lifestyle.” 

“I’ll pop your bags into Dirk’s car!” Jake cheers. 

“I can get them myse-“

Dirk cuts you off, “He’s already gone, just let it happen.” 

Dave’s house is much less like a house and much more like a compound. You cannot believe people actually fucking live in places like this when you’ve spent your entire time on Earth in a two-room box with Kankri. 

Dave is awake by the time you get there, propped up in his bed in nothing but boxers and the compression binder. He runs you and John through the aftercare of his surgery, not because you really need to know, just because he thinks it’s cool. You tune out the second he says the word “drains”. You aren’t the best with- ugh, you don’t even want to think about it, makes you feel woozy. 

“So did you guys bring me AJ because I’m so ready for real food,” Dave asks at the end of his little speech.

“Not sure apple juice counts as food,” You roll your eyes, but John bounds down the stairs to whip him up a plate of breakfast and a bottle of juice. 

The three of you, plus Rose, end up piling on Dave’s bed watching movies all day. He falls asleep every so often. The pain meds are really getting to him. You excuse yourself from the room each time Roxy comes in to check his drains. When nighttime rolls around, Rose forces you all to Skype with Kanaya, who tells you she’s going to be visiting just in time for your birthday. 

It’s obvious as shit that they’re planning some stupid big celebration, which you explicitly asked them not to do. 

Rose hasn’t slept since Dave went into surgery yesterday, and retreats into her room pretty early. You think Roxy and Dirk fell asleep hours ago. At eleven, John helps Dave take his last dose of painkillers before morning and heads back to his place. 

“Where am I sleeping?” You have to poke him in the shoulder a bit to bring him back to consciousness. 

“You aren’t staying here? It’s a big bed dude,” He mumbles. 

“Figured you’d want some space,” You reply. 

He wiggles into a more laying down position, says quiet as hell, “I’m kinda freaked out.” 

“Are you not happy?” Fuck, you hope he isn’t regretting this. 

“No, no, that’s not it. I’m so relieved, but it hurts dude, like, a lot, and I’m sad. I know it’s just the after effects of surgery I just- oh fuck, this is lame. Let’s just chalk this up to the drugs and pretend I didn’t say anything,” He mutters, hiding his face in his blankets. 

Normally you’d give him shit for that, but even you know how inappropriate that would be. Instead, you rifle through your bags, pull on a pair of sweatpants, and climb into bed next to him. 

“Just wake me up if you need anything, fucking dweeb,” You tell him. 

He’s already asleep. 

 

You’re still crashing in Dave’s room two weeks later when you’re awoken on your birthday to a bunch of music and balloons. Everyone is there, every fucking one of them, all the Striders and Lalondes and Egberts. Even Kanaya is there, perched off Rose’s shoulder. 

“Do you fucks have any idea what time it is? Trolls don’t even have birthdays, it’s my wriggling day, and I have no interest in-“ There’s a cake on your lap, and they really really expect you to cut into it right now. 

“Karkat happy birthday! We were originally going to drag you to Seattle, but Dave convinced us that would piss you off! So we’ve just got cakes and movies and games set up!” John says. 

“Oh, fuck, let me get showered and I’ll come down.” 

Dad Egbert just points at the cake. Guess you’re eating first. 

It’s honestly not so bad as far as birthdays go. They let you pick the movies- even troll ones- and yeah, they make fun of you and complain, but it’d freak you out if they didn’t. John’s dad and Jane and Roxy cook up this great array of toll-human fusion food. After you stuff your faces, and have like six more cakes between you all what the actual fuck, the whole clan sits back and plays some competitive as fuck board games. 

Roxy excuses herself with Jane when the booze comes out, says she’s worried about drinking when she’s still stressed out about Dave. Dad Egbert leaves around the same time, not before giving you a nice fatherly clap on the back. Dave’s not on the pain meds anymore, but still can’t drink. The rest of you are hammered. 

Rose is red faced, fingers intertwined with Kanaya’s, and Dirk is having a field trip with it, “So kid, is this an actual girlfriend here? You’re doing more than doin’ the do?”

Dave cuts in before Rose can respond, “Oh, come on bro, let’s not scare her girlfriend off so early on. Who knows if they’ve had the ex lover conversation yet? Rose’s record is a little intimidating.” 

“Do you really want to start this conversation about exes, Dave? I could talk about your history with a certain fami-“ Rose begins, evil in her eye. 

“Nope, nope, good call Rose, no ex talk,” Dave coughs. Who the fuck did he date that he doesn’t want you and Kanaya hearing about? 

“Oh, gee, well if we’re talking about relationships, I think it’s important for you all to know that Dirk and I are officially back together!” Jake interjects. 

Everyone in the room groans. 

“Shut it, we’re happy.” Dirk tells you all. 

“How many times has it been, now?” John jests. 

“Hey, now, at least my boyfriend has only been with the one person in our family!” Jake looks pointedly at Dave. 

“Oh, fuck, Dave, who else have you slept with besides Jade? Which Egbert? Jane?” You call him out. He and John blush. A lot. “Oh my god, JOHN? You and JOHN?” 

“Hey hey let’s keep it down Karkles, we were fifteen and I thought I was a chick still, it was a beautiful deflowering,” Dave tells you, face unreadable. John’s head is buried in his hands. 

“Dave, stop! It was one time, guys, are you ever going to let us move past it?” John whines. 

There’s a chorus of “noooo”. 

Dave still has some trouble reaching for stuff and getting out of bed, so when John passes out on the couch you follow him up to his room and help him out of his shirt. His drains came out a few days ago, and he takes his bandages off to clean, but otherwise still has to keep them on. He's feeling much better about the surgery now that he has some mobility and the swelling is going down. His nipples are even starting look look like actual nipples. Not that you've, you know, been staring at his nipples. 

“So were you in love with John?” 

He lets out a big chuckle, “Dude, no. It was just the one time. We were fifteen and I was uncomfortable as fuck in my body, all pretending to be a girl and shit, and we just decided it’d be cool to lose our virginities to people we actually gave a shit about. We were best friends, you know? It was honestly rad as hell. Then like two months later I came out of trans, freaked him the fuck out about his sexuality, whatever. We’ve always just been bros.” 

“Oh. Okay.” 

“Why? You jealous of Egbert?” 

“You wish.” 

You wish you weren’t. Seriously, shut the fuck up, think pan. 

You fall asleep next to him promising yourself these are just stupid drunk thoughts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow end of freshman year and SUCH A BIG STEP FOR DAVE. <3


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey y'all, excuse how short this is, it's finals week <3

It’s been almost two months since your surgery, and fuck, for the first time in your life you can actually stand to see yourself naked. Everyone was understanding as hell, at first, but even Roxy is starting to give you shit for hogging so much bathroom time. You bet she’d be singing a different fucking tune if her nipples we surgically removed and reattached. They’re only just starting to look like actual nipples again instead of dark, bloody, blobs sewn onto your pecs, and fuck everyone if they don’t want you looking at yourself in the mirror all the time.

You’re on a mission today, though. You only admire your body for maybe five minutes before putting on your shirt (just a fucking shirt, no binder, no bandages, fucking hell it still gets you). Kanaya and Rose are already dressed, having a quick bite to eat in the kitchen while you sneak back up to your room to wake Karkat up. 

You’d only seen him sleep one single drunken time before this summer. Even with him literally living in your room, it’s a rare sight. Troll boy does not have a healthy sleeping pattern. He passed out in your bed about four hours ago, after three days of getting no sleep whatsoever. He’s currently tangled up in your sheets, shirt coming up to reveal those weird scars on his sides that he has yet to explain to you. You like it when he’s sleeping. Even with those yellow claws and big sharp teeth that jut out over his lips, he looks calm, peaceful. Like a snoozing panther or something. 

You ruin that shit by getting right up next to his big elf-ears and whispering, “Hey Karbro, I’ve got a surprise for you.” 

The first time you woke him up with a creepy whisper, he’d grabbed you by the throat and threatened to gouge out your eyes. He’s gotten used to it by now, just rolls over and fights to pull the blankets up over his eyes. 

“I’m not in the mood for your weird surprises, Dave.” 

You peel the sheet back from his face and poke at him a bit, “Dude if you don’t get dressed now we’re gonna leave without you.”

“Oh, no, a whole day without you annoying me? How ever will I survive, please, gods, help me to get dressed fast enough to go piss around with Dave Strider!” He calls out, sarcastic as hell. 

“Aw come on, this isn’t like the time I dragged you hiking. We’re driving down to Portland, just me and Rose and Kan. It’ll be fun I promise. Besides, it’s our last day.” You tell him. 

He punches at you, gets you in the chest, and you wince. He actually apologized, “Sorry, I wasn’t looking.”

“So, Portland?”

“You swear it isn’t hiking?” 

You offer your pinky, “Cross my heart, bro.” 

“I didn’t like the worms, Dave.” He’s real caught up on that hiking fiasco. 

“Portland is a city.” 

“No worms?”

“No worms.” 

Rose ends up letting you drive the whole way down, if only so she isn’t forced to listen to your music for several hours. Karkat originally called shotgun, but gets banished to the backseat halfway through the drive because he keeps hitting you. Just can’t keep his hands off you, right? Oh, that thought hurts for reasons you aren’t prepared to think about. 

You are so talented at parallel parking it isn’t even funny, so y’all manage to snag a parking spot near one of your favorite brunch spots downtown. You and Rose spent a shit ton of time in Portland when you were teenagers, mostly because you were little rebels who thought you were too cool for Seattle. 

Once you’re inside, you give the two trolls the lowdown on the restaurant, “Okay, get literally anything on the menu, it’s gonna taste great, but get one of the weird donuts on the side. They are perfect, and Rose and I won’t share if you make the mistake of not order one for yourself.” 

“And if you’re interested in having a drink, I suggest the one with the lilac syrup.” Rose adds. 

“They don’t, uh, card?” Karkat whispers, trying to be all low key. You and Rose just giggle. 

You and Rose were anticipating that the trolls would want to wander around and shop until lunch, but they end up convincing you to take the twenty minute drive to the zoo. Apparently Earth animals are more interesting than cool records and clothes. You’re cool with it, you really dig the cheetahs. Rose and Kanaya get real couple-y there, so you let them wander off on their own and decide to meet back up in a few hours. 

“I couldn’t do the long distance shit that they’re doing,” You tell Karkat, and he gives you a funny look, “Okay I know I tried it with Jade, but look how that worked out?” 

Karkat crosses his arms, “I guess that might have contributed to the downfall of my relationship with Terezi. I was significantly less of a nook brain when we were together all the time.” 

“So you’re a clingy boyfriend?” 

He punches you in the shoulder. This shit is going to start bruising soon. 

“Just shut your face for a few minutes, let’s go look at the big cat exhibit. Oh, and maybe the komodo dragons?” He’s excited by the end of his sentence. 

“Dude what’s up with you and Earth animals?” You ask.

He pauses for a few seconds, then tells you, “We don’t really have zoos like this on Alternia. Everything’s trying to kill you. Kankri never took me to anything like this once I got here. It’s just interesting, seeing all this shit from places I’ll never get to travel to.” 

“Dude we could go to Africa next summer. See some big cats up close,” You offer. 

He looks at you like you’re stupid, “Trolls aren’t exactly allowed to just hop from country to country. I’m pretty much stuck here. Your privilege is showing, jackass.” 

Oh, fuck, right. You spend basically no time thinking about what a terrible situation trolls are in, either stuck on Alternia in the middle of a civil war, or refugees on Earth with no means towards citizenship. 

“Man, we need to get more people into office who actually give a shit about trolls. And not in a ‘are they gonna kill us let’s just shoot them’ way,” You tell him. 

“It could be worse for me. Sollux isn’t even allowed on planes, because of his powers. Although if I were a high blood color I might be able to actually go home sometimes.” He ponders. 

“Candy red is a mutant thing, right?” 

“Very considerate way to ask. Yeah. It is. Technically the area I lived in wasn’t being affected by the war. My lusus helped me travel to one of the human encampments to get me off planet before I was culled by one of my own. He ended up getting killed by them after I left,” He tells you. 

“Man, that’s a fucking terrible story.” You place a hand on his back, and he lets you keep it there as you walk around pointing at cool animals. 

By the time you all meet up and drive back downtown, you’re all hungry for dinner. Kanaya wants to eat from one of the hundreds of food carts you’ve been passing all day, but you refuse. When you go to Portland, you get dinner at Little Big Burger. No room for compromise there. The second she bites into one of those fries she’ll understand. 

You all sit around a table, munching on your burgers and fries, sipping down root beer floats. 

“Kanaya, how did you get to Earth?” Karkat asks in between bites, as if it isn’t insensitive. 

“Oh, this is somewhat embarrassing, but I was actually collected by some of the first humans on Alternia as a grub. I was raised here, on a military base at first, but as more of you began evacuating here, I was allowed to return to the home of a soldier whom acted as my guardian,” She smiles. 

“Hn, makes sense. I was thinking, no way did the high bloods let a jade blood troll slip away from them,” He comments. 

“Yes, although Kanaya’s upbringing wasn’t the happiest by human standards, she’d have led a much more difficult life as the likely slave of sea-dwellers,” Rose adds. 

You pretty much have no idea what they’re talking about. You obviously learned the basics of Alternian culture and the wars going on there and between Earth in high school, but the details were heavily glazed over. You make a mental note to ask Karkat to explain this shit to you. He’ll act annoyed, but you know he loves telling a good story. 

You decide to head home after the most delicious burgers of your life, skipping your favorite pie-beer bar in favor of getting a real night’s sleep before you and Karkat fly back to campus in the morning. Kanaya is staying an extra two days, and Dirk began driving across the country about a week ago with Jake. John’s flight gets in a few hours before yours, due to bad planning, but you’ll see him in your house when you get to campus. 

It’s a long drive back home. Kanaya and Rose fall asleep resting on each other’s shoulders in the backseat, and Karkat is mostly quiet next to you, fiddling around with the music. He puts on your own mixes more often that not, and it get’s you feeling all hot inside knowing he likes the music you write. 

“Hey man, I was just wondering, I don’t know too much about that Alternia shit and I guess now that I’m friends with so many trolls I probably should be,” You say during a pause in the music. 

He sighs real dramatic, “ Of course you don’t. How do I even begin telling you about the intricacies of troll society?”

He doesn’t say anything for awhile so you add, “Dude do you not know much about it?” 

He hits you, then adds, “Mostly just bits that actually pertain to me. Like how my ancestor started all this shit in the first place. The Signless.” 

“Tell me about him. Otherwise I’m gonna fall asleep on the road.” 

“I used to resent him. Especially back on Alternia. It’d have been hard for me as a mutant blood regardless, but after his ridiculous sermons about blood equality, people like me just didn’t survive. Now that I’m removed from it, I can understand that his verbose rebellion was for the best of our society, the only way to enact a real change….” He’s still yammering on an hour later when you pull into your driveway, and if he didn’t sound so adorably passionate when he was discussing his complicated lineage, you’d have shut him up hours ago. 

In your room, you hand him your jar of cocoa butter, “Hey man, put on my scar goop? My chest is sore as fuck after running around all day. Driving that long was rough. Didn’t ever think about how much you use your arms to steer until now.” 

You take off your shirt, and he gently starts spreading some cream on your chest, “You’re going to have to do this alone when I’m in my own dorm, you know.”

“Yeah, that’s why I’m getting as much use out of you as possible right now. Wasn’t that the whole point of you coming this summer? Waiting on me and shit?” You joke.

He gives you a deadly glare, “Fuck you. Never helping you again. You ruined it.” 

He stays up all night on his laptop, chatting with Terezi. You’d have been jealous about it if he hadn’t fallen asleep on your shoulder on the plane in the morning. 

Seems like you’ve got some feelings you need to suppress before they get out of control. Cool. 

You’re the last one to move into your dorm. You’ve got this cute single on the second floor, right across from John’s room. Nepeta and Equius are each in singles farther down the hall, any the other four are beneath you on the first floor. 

When you get there, the whole crew is hanging out on the sofas in the main room watching some troll movie. You put off unpacking and sprawl out across John and Vriska’s laps, mostly to make them too uncomfortable to make out in front of everyone. 

“Dave, I missed you!” John ruffles your hair.

“It’s been one day, dude. But yeah, I missed you too. It’s nice to be back on campus.” 

\---------------------------

“Last day to add/drop classes, Aradia, you sure you’re going to stick with that Genetics seminar?” Sollux asks. The three of you are lounging on the patio in front of the pub, soaking up the last few warm days of September. 

“Hmm, yeah, it’ll be tough with Chemistry on top of it but I think I should take it. The professor is a riot, and I want my next two years free to take some of his more interesting courses,” She decides. 

You’re flipping through your reading for your political science class, bored out of your mind already. Human government and social structures are infuriating. 

“Oh, I invited Feferi to join us. She just got out of her conference in the library,” Aradia adds, offhandedly. 

She and Sollux seem to have toned down their excessive pda over the summer, which you’re grubbing thrilled about. That nonsense was getting completely out of control last year, with the kissing and the touching and the smiles. Too many smiles for a public arena. 

Feferi trots over a few minutes later, blabbering about some class that you don’t give two shits about. You’ve been a bit on edge all day, waiting for Terezi to respond to you. She promised to call you last night, but completely failed to do so. She never breaks a commitment, not unless something big is up, and you’re kind of freaked out. 

CG: SHE HASN’T CALLED YOU HAS SHE?  
TG: dude are you still talking about Terezi  
TG: man you’re more caught up on her now then you were when y’all were dating  
TG: is something going on between you two again or some shit  
TG: I’m not trying to get in the middle of that bro  
CG: JESUS SHIT CALM DOWN  
CG: I’LL SAY IT ONE MORE TIME TO DRILL IT INTO YOUR THINKPAN  
CG: I AM NOT ROMANTICALLY INTERESTED IN TEREZI  
CG: BUT I DON’T CONDONE THE ABUSE OF MY FRIEND, AND QUITE FRANKLY DON’T APPRECIATE YOUR UTTER DISREGARD FOR HER SAFETY BASED ON YOUR PREOCCUPATION WITH THE QUADRANT I DEFINITELY DO NOT WANT HER IN  
TG: yeah man ok I’ll try to get in touch with her

Sollux kicks you, “You paying any attention to us over here?” 

“Don’t touch me with your mud covered foot wear.”

He looks at you like you’re an idiot, “We’re all trolls here, numb nuts, and we all know they’re called shoes.” 

“What the fuck are you bothering me for anyway? Oh. Your matesprit abandoned you for a giggle fest with Feferi, I see,” You comment, watching the two girls laugh obnoxiously at something on Aradia’s phone. 

“Mn, they’re watching some show together. Apparently some intense shit went down last night,” He dismisses. 

“I swear you use words with ‘s’s on purpose just to make me listen to your fucking lisp,” You grunt. 

“I’ll switch rooms if you keep bitching, KK. I’ll make you share a bathroom with Equius. Imagine the towels,” He smirks.

You growl, “Yeah, like you could stand to live next to anyone besides me.” 

“I know, okay? It’s a sick fucking joke straight from the universe to me,” He sighs like he really means it. 

Your phone buzzes. 

TG: yo I got our lady tz on skype get over here

“Shit, I have to go,” You tell the group. 

Sollux peers over at your phone, “Dave? Really?” 

“He’s got Terezi on Skype, she’s going through some major shit right now that I should be there for,” You defend yourself. 

“He’s at our house? We’ll head back with you!” Feferi offers, and you nod. 

Sollux gives Aradia a quick peck on the lips and says to you, “See you later tonight?”. 

“Unless I have to go murder a clown,” They laugh. They don’t know Gamzee, don’t get that you might be serious. 

Feferi and Aradia barely talk to you on the walk over to their dorm, they just keep prattling on and on about whatever bullshit show they’re so excited about. You hear the word “doctor” and immediately tune out; you couldn’t give two shits if you tried. The second you’re inside their home, Nepeta pounces Feferi yammering about how some new episode is out and holy shit your friends make you want to wring their necks sometimes. 

You plod up the stairs to Dave’s room, crash down onto his bed next to him. Terezi is already on his computer screen.

“Hey Karkat, you’ve decided to join this intervention, too?” She’s rolling her eyes the second you come into view. 

“I might have mentioned how much we hate her juggalo shit,” Dave whispers to you. 

“I can hear you, coolkid! Everything is fine, both of you need to get off my ass. I should have known you’d take Karkat’s side, wimp,” Terezi is clearly pissed off. 

You lean into Dave’s ear so only he can hear you, “Way to fucking blow this, douchebag.” 

He presses the mute button on Skype, so she can’t listen in when he says, “Dude you’ve been pussy footing around this for months now. Look at her face, dude. Check out all that Faygo around her room. TZ is not doing okay.” 

“You think I don’t know that? I’m the one who told you she was in trouble in the first place. This is a delicate situation, we can’t just go accusing her of being in an unhealthy quadrant to her face,” You reprimand. 

“Oh, no, god forbid we talk to our friends openly about our concerns. That’s so out of control, bro, just gotta keep that shit locked away inside and watch them spiral, right?” He’s sarcastic as hell. 

“So this is going well for you, then?” You ask, pointing at the screen.

“Now that you mention it, Karkat, I don’t think this is going so well, thanks for bringing that up. I’m still in camp ‘let’s tell Vriska and let her deal with her best friend’ but you seem to be against that,” He says.

“Terezi doesn’t need her business all over the place-“

“You are so still in love with her, holy hell, this is ridiculous Karkat, you’re being so obvious about it wanting to be her knight in shining armor and shit,” He sounds just a little bit more upset than you think he should. Is he jealous? Is he into Terezi or something? 

“Fuck off, Strider! How many times do I have to tell you I don’t give a shit about her romantically?” You mean it, you really, really want him to know that you mean it, it’s killing you that he doesn’t know that you mean it and you can’t quite place your finger on why but you have half a mind to push him against the wall and- no, no no no, no, don’t think that Karkat, holy shit, shut up think pan, shut up. 

You are interrupted from your ungodly train of thought when Terezi decides to chime in, “Alright boys I might not be able to hear you but I know you can hear me. I’m not in the mood to watch you two black-flirt all day, so how about we get this over with.” 

Dave unmutes the conversation, “See, black flirting is exactly what we’re here to talk about Terezi, but not ours, yours.” 

You want to hit him, “Dave might be terrible at being even vaguely appropriate in terms of timing, but fine, if he’s got you talking about this, let’s talk about this Terezi.” 

“Okay dweebs, have either of you ever had a kismesis?” She asks. 

Your, “Are you trying to tell me you know more about quadrants than I do?” comes at the same time as Dave’s, “Are you seriously trying to school Karkat on relationships right now?”. 

All Terezi does is laugh. 

“A kismesis shouldn’t want to inflict actual pain. He shouldn’t- Terezi, you dropped out of school, you’re covered in Faygo, come on,” You tell her. Seriously, she’s falling apart, and you know it’s because of his influence. 

“Maybe I’m fucking up on my own, okay candy blood? Maybe it’s nice to have someone around who doesn’t have his weird friend call me to tell me how much I’m messing up my life. No offense, Strider.” Terezi snarls, winking at Dave at the end.

“None taken T-rizzle” 

You actually hit him this time. “Could we be seriously for three fucking seconds? What is wrong with you two?” 

Terezi takes off her glasses, gives you this soul-crushing stare with her big red eyes, “Let me deal with my own shit Karkat.” 

Dave leans into your ear one more time, “Told you, bro.” 

“You’re the one who called her, Dave!” You shout. 

“Hmm he’s right Dave, are you being more overprotective than Karkat? Just can’t stand seeing him worry about me, huh? What up with that?” Terezi cackles. Dave hangs up on her, shuts the laptop. 

“Dude that was pretty embarrassing for both of us.” Dave says, after a bit of a pause. 

“And whose fault was that? Who called her and accused her of being in an abusive relationship? You don’t just accuse people of-“

“You accused her”

“Not to her face!”

“Let’s just pretend this never happened and play some video games?” He offers. 

“Ugh, fuck, fine.” 

He offers to let you crash there after a few hours of fucking around on his laptop, but you make a point of trekking back to your dorm. You would have rather stayed at his place, but that thought pisses you off so, yeah, fuck it, you throw a tantrum and storm off back to your room after telling him about his complete inability to respect your personal space, or something. You feel unsettled as fuck, and you don’t think it’s about Terezi.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jealous Dave is cute, also lol davekat still totally a canon thing, I am way too happy. 
> 
> Next update might be a little slower, finals are rough, but then it's summer and my free time soars through the roof ^.^


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey hey managed to get this out on my normal Sunday/Thursday schedule, despite finals aw yeah

October Study Days are a godsend, a long weekend nestled right between the start of the semester and Thanksgiving Break. Not that anyone uses them for actual studying. It’s sort of a campus legend that this is the weekend where everyone’s pent up stress and looming sense of dread towards the ever-approaching end of the semester spills out in the form of hormones and young-adult make outs. 

Judging by the evidence in this coffee shop, you’d say that lore was true as fuck. Except for in your case. Not that your hormones aren’t out of control, they’re awake and ready to go, but ain’t got no one to make out with. Unlike John. John, who somehow managed to snag the coolest freshman troll babe and keep her around for half a year. Okay, so, you’re her friend, and you know she’s actually just as much of a dweeb as John is, but man does she come off much cooler. Maybe it’s the lack of Ghost Buster shirts in her wardrobe… 

TG: wanna meet me and john and vris at slave to the grind  
TG: they invited me but now they’re kissing  
TG: karkat  
TG: karkat  
TG: karkat  
CG: I’M AT WORK NUMB NUTS, MUSIC LIBRARY FUCKING CALLS  
TG: is anyone even in there this weekend  
CG: NOPE   
CG: SO FUCK OFF SO I CAN ENJOY MY ALONE TIME

You send him like ten sad emojis and then put your phone away. 

“Hey yo Earth to the most affectionate couple in all the land, let’s turn this shit down, put it on low, let it simmer like a nice fine stew. Right now we’re at a rolling boil and this shit is about to spill all over the goddamn stove,” You say at John and Vriska. 

“Oh were we doing it again?” John asks. You and Vriska both give him the ‘yeah no shit’ look. 

The troll links her fingers with John’s, but leans across the table in an effort to actually engage in conversation with you, “So what do you want to talk about, Dave?” 

Well, shit, that’s a lot of damn pressure, “You could finally give us the gossip on what’s going down with Feferi and Eridan. I don’t believe for a second she really likes him.” 

“Yeah I fully support Dave’s choice of topic, we love Fef, but what the hell is she doing with that guy?” John sips on his hot chocolate.

Vriska laughs, “Do you boys know nothing about the hemospectrum? Okay, well, Feferi is the rarest blood type you can possibly be. Under normal circumstances, there will only be one fuchsia blood for hundreds of sweeps. When a new one is hatched, it is her destiny to kill the former fuchsia blood, take her spot as queen.” 

“Isn’t that chick that Karkat lived with last year also a fuchsia blood?” You ask, referring to Meenah. 

“War times mean more fuchsia bloods. Not many more, but more than the one. Mother grub must figure a handful of them are going to get slaughtered, which is exactly what happened. As far as I know, these two are the only ones to have escaped off planet,” Vriska explains. 

“Do they know each other?” John asks.

“Ha, they know of each other. Trolls tend… not to get along with others of the same blood color,” She says. 

You nod, “Right, Karkat says that’s part of his issue with the troll they stuck him with when he got to Earth.” 

Vriska smiles and John hits her under the table. You’re sure it’s about something you said but you aren’t sure what it is. 

“So what does this have to do with Eridan?” John brings the conversation back around. 

“Oh, they’re basically bred for each other. Keep the bloodline clean and full of sea dwellers. I’m not so much sure it’s that she likes him as it is she feels like she’s supposed to,” She says, as if it isn’t the saddest damn thing you’ve ever heard, and then continues, “But I think he’s actually just horns over heels for her. Speaking of being crazy in love-“

John bursts out laughing and shushes her.

“What are you guys giggling about now? It’s no fun going out with the two of you when you leave me out of all your hilarious jokes,” You sigh. 

John, through laughter, “Dude I don’t think you want in on this.” 

“No, no, let’s play this game, Dave. I’ve got some questions for you,” Vriska smirks. 

“I’m afraid, but I’m playing,” You tell her. 

“So what’s up with your huge crush on Karkat?” She says it flat while taking a bite out of her bagel. John is practically on the floor. 

“Uh what’cha talkin’ about there, Vriska?” Keep your cool, Dave, keep your mother fucking cool. 

“You spend all your time with him,” She points out. 

“Yeah, well, before you, I used to spend all my time with John,” You rebuttal. It isn’t like that, though, and you know it. You and John spent all your time together with Rose, with Jade, with Dirk and Jake and Jane. Okay, no, but you had so many sleepovers with John, right? Yeah. Everything is fine. 

“Didn’t you sleep with John?” She asks, blunt as hell. 

“You told her? Jesus, John- and, yeah, but that was different, we were just best bros boning, that isn’t-“ 

She looks at you like she’s won and says, “Just to be clear, you sleeping with John as ‘just bros’ is different than you sleeping with Karkat?” 

“No, man, that’s not what I said, all twisting my words and shit. John back me up here, me and Karkat are best bros right?” Seriously, you need John to back you the fuck up here so you don’t start losing your shit. 

John chokes out, “I keep telling her that but you sleep at his place all the time Dave…” 

“He doesn’t even sleep, that doesn’t count. Someone needs to use his bed for its intended purpose.” 

Is John really on her side here? Okay, it’s not like you’ve been completely unaware that some sort of something was going on in the feelings center of your brain in regards to Karkat, but you thought you’d been doing a pretty damn good job of shutting that shit up and honestly just being his bro. 

“But if you guys are going to harp on the Karkat topic, let me bring up something actually real that’s going on. Have you talked to Terezi at all Vriska? Some shit is going down, and it’s got Karkat all kinds of upset,” You deflect. 

“Don’t want him feeling sad, hm?” She winks, “But what’s up with Terezi? I guess I have sort of done a shit job of keeping in contact with her these past few months.” 

“Nn, don’t wanna get into it, just give her a call.” 

“So are you going to make a move on Karkat or no?” She pesters. Okay, so you’re not just blowing past this. Great. 

“Let’s not do this right now,” You tell her. Are you going to make a move on him? Nah, right? You can’t. Motherfucker is all kinds of into Terezi still, it’d be stupid. Wow, okay, shit, he is so into Terezi still. Ouch. Yeah this hurts. Hurts like a crush. Fuck you, Vriska. 

“I bet he’d kiss you back,” John offers. 

“I bet he’d punch me in the face.” 

“It’s Karkat, those are basically the same concepts,” Vriska adds. 

“Oh look, look who it is! Our good friend Tavros with, hey, isn’t that Meenah? Wow what a great turn of events, crazy coincidence, better change the topic so they don’t feel uncomfortable! Hey! Tav! Over here!” You call over to your friend, who waltzes over to the table with Meenah. Great timing, seriously, you were not down with the feelings jam that was about to happen. 

“Hey, uh, everyone! You all met my old suitemate, right? Meenah and I uh, just ran into each other at the store, decided to uh get some coffee on the way back to campus,” Tavros joins the conversation. 

“Oh, glub, you’re that girl from my literature lecture,” Meenah groans, looking at Vriska.

“The one who put you in your place about your interpretation of our reading? Yup, you got shot down by a lowly sophomore,” Vriska chirps back. 

“We both know you were using your powers to make those low bloods agree with you, cheater,” Meenah leans in and whispers. 

You might not know a whole bunch about trolls, but you know that shit is bad news. It is hella illegal for trolls to use any of their abilities on Earth. 

“Vriska what the fuck?” It comes out of John’s mouth, but you’re all thinking it. 

“Tch, no one noticed, except miss gills over here,” She brushes him off. 

“No, Vriska, you can’t do that shit! You’ll get sent back to Alternia, shit, I can get in trouble if they can prove I knew you were doing it!” John worries. He isn’t wrong; she’s kind of putting you all in a shitty position. You don’t really care, figure everything will turn out fine, but you get why John is pissed. 

Vriska isn’t listening to John’s complaints, though. She’s deep into this argument with Meenah about something that is objectively less important. 

“So you guys wanna hear my new ill beats while they do their weird shit over there?” You ask Tavros and John. 

“Uh, sure, I’ve got some music I uh wanted to run by you too, Dave,” Tavros agrees. 

John is still looking at Vriska, worried as hell, so you shove your headphones over his ears to block out the bullshit. 

You all wander back to campus before Karkat gets out of work, and he wants you to meet him there. He’s bored. You shouldn’t be reading as much into it as you are- you both do this, all the time. Besides, he knows you’ve got some music homework to work on. You spend the entire walk to him convincing yourself that, really, Karkat is just your friend, and he’s never going to be anything more. 

When you walk into the Music Library and see him spaced out on his computer, yeah, maybe you briefly consider what it would be like to be able to walk up behind him and slip your arms around his shoulders. But you’re cool with never being able to do that. You still get to annoy the shit out of him on a daily basis, and that is just as satisfying. 

Shit, Strider, what the fuck are you thinking about right now? This is seriously out of hand. You’re gonna start Freudian-slipping this shit all over the place if you keep thinking about it. 

“Quit staring at me, it’s creeping me out.”

Right, you’re supposed to be talking to Karkat, not standing silently while you sort out your feelings. 

“You almost done with your shift?” You ask him, finally. 

“Wow, how could you tell? Is it because all the lights are off? All the computers are shut down? Or maybe it’s from the text I wrote you that literally reads ‘I’m about to close the library come meet me’” He snarls. 

“I dunno dude you’ve got this weird thing about lights, could just be you wanting to sit alone in the dark,” You say back to him.

“Ugh, I’m just waiting for security to come lock up. Is it still nice out? I wanted to be outside, but the temperature drops so much once the sun goes down. Just my fucking luck, deciding to work on the one warm weekend in October,” Karkat complains. You smile at him. Shit, you don’t mean to be smiling. You wipe that smile the fuck off your face. 

“It’s not so cold out, we could chill for a bit. Let’s go out back, look over the field. I’ve got an extra coat in my bag if you get the shivers, bro,” You toss it to him, and try to think about anything and everything else when he immediately puts in on. 

“Fuck off, quit looking at me, you know I get cold. I’m preemptively putting this shit on so I don’t have to worry about it later,” He growls at you. It takes everything in your power not to think about how adorable he looks in your oversized sweatshirt, sleeves overtaking his fingers by inches, bottom all hanging down close to his knees. As if he hears what you’re thinking he adds, “You’re too fucking tall.” 

Security arrives a few minutes later with the keys, and you two head out to the hill behind the building and plop yourselves on the ground. 

“You start any of your conference projects yet?” You ask him, knowing damn well he has. 

“Mn, yeah. I was down to the wire finishing them last semester, I don’t want to do that shit again,” He says, laying on his back to look up at the stars. 

You lie down next to him and stare at the sky, “We both know you’re going to be anally revising until someone forces you to send your work in, anyway.” 

“Oh, shut up,” He says, but there’s barely any bite behind it. 

You’re far enough away from the lights of the city that a good number of stars are visible in the sky, “Do you have a favorite constellation, bro?” You ask. 

“The fucking stars look so different on Earth. I know I’ve been here most of my life, but there are so many constellations I remember from home that you just can’t see here. Alternia’s visible tonight though,” He tells you, smiling a bit. 

“Where? That red blobby?” You point to something that looks vaguely like a planet. 

“No, idiot, that’s a plane. Here, it’s right there,” You go completely stiff when he wiggles closer to you and grabs your pointing hand. You can barely trace the line he’s drawing with your digit towards the sky, your brain intently focused on the way his skin feels against yours. 

It’s not that you haven’t touched him before. You’ve been friends for a year, you’ve touched him plenty. Not like, too much. Just the right, friendly amount. Fuck. But right now, those long bony fingers of his feel like fucking velvet. 

“Uh, uhm, which one?” You force out of your mouth. Fuck you sound so uncool. 

“Are you kidding? The big red one, come on, use your fucking eyes Dave,” He smushes closer to you, puts more force into his grip on your hand to encourage you to see what he wants you to see. 

“Ohh, yeah, that, right there. Yup I see that, cool planet dude, nice,” You choke out, lying. 

“You don’t see it do you?” He sighs, dropping his hand. Yours falls down with it. They’re still touching, the backs of them. You’re sure he doesn’t notice. Fucking positive. But holy shit, mother of all that is holy, you notice. 

“Eh, I guess it’s hard with shades on,” You excuse yourself. Nice one, Dave, perfect cover. 

“It’s dark out, fucking take them off”

You’re not even sure if you want to stop him, but even if you did, he’s swiped them off your face before you’d have had a chance to. He’s hovering above you, looking into your eyes. He’s never seen you without your shades before. You can count the number of people who have seen you without shades on one hand, and most of them are your siblings. And now Karkat, apparently, who is still looking at you, peering into your eyes like they’re the most interesting thing he’s ever seen. 

Finally, he says, “Oh. They’re red. Thought you wore the glasses because you were sensitive to light and kind of a cocky douchebag, not because you were a mutant. Well, in addition to the whole albino fucking thing you’ve got going on. Oh, shit, are the red eyes a part of that? Whatever, human genetics are awful. Anyway, right there. Behold, mother fucking Alternia.” 

This time when he points, you don’t even bother looking at the sky. You just stare straight at him while his gaze is fixated on the stars. He looks… wow, shit okay. The way the moon dances across that grey skin, his messy pink hair- fuck that fucking pink hair- getting all in his eyes. Shit, his blood red eyes, all baggy from getting no sleep, ever. Those long bony arms that are ungodly strong, his neck, that jawline, the way he can’t ever seem to keep his stubby fangs trapped behind those black lips- 

“It’s beautiful.” 

You aren’t talking about the planet, but he doesn’t know that. 

“You are seriously so uncultured, I can’t believe you’ve honestly never looked for Alternia in the sky before- what? What are you looking at? Fuck off, is there a bug on my face or something?” He flips out a little, springs up to sitting and brushes himself down. He’s shouting and jerking his body around and fuck, fuck, you can’t say jack shit, you can’t force yourself to put your shades back on, you’re just sitting there completely fucking mesmerized by this total fucking nerd. 

You have no idea how it happened, but you’re in this real fucking deep. Shit.

You find an excuse to go back to his dorm, even though yours is closer. For like, ten minutes you’re totally happy to be laying in bed next to him. Wow, maybe this is something he wants too, right? Why else would you be in his bed all the fucking time, right? I mean, sure, it’s been less often this semester than it was over the summer but, like, he wasn’t just going to low key just-friends move into your dorm with you, duh. 

And then Terezi comes online, and he’s Facebook chatting her. 

Right. Terezi. Terezi who Karkat actually dated, because Karkat likes trolls and quadrants, and shit when the fuck did you get so into Karkat that you’re thinking about his quadrants? You blame Vriska for making you think about this. Shit could have stayed buried in your subconscious if it weren’t for that fucking meddling chick. 

It’s petty and passive aggressive, but you roll the fuck away from him, practically squeezing yourself in between his twin size bed and the wall. 

A few minutes later, he shuts his laptop.

“You don’t have to sleep, I invited you over to hang out. I just had to make sure he hadn’t killed her or anything,” Karkat explains. He’s says it in this tired tone, like he knows you’re being a dick on purpose and doesn’t feel like dealing with it.

“Mm, ‘ts fine, whatever,” You mumble. Jealousy is not cute on you, Strider, wow.

He can’t be doing it on purpose, he can’t be, there’s no way the universe is this kind, but he shuffles over closer to you so you’re both touching again. He’s totally just taking advantage of the extra room you just gave him, not like, not touching you on purpose. 

Okay but what if he’s touching you on purpose?

Why the fuck are you so flustered Dave? Fucking say something, holy shit, and don’t be such a dick this time. 

You flip over onto your back again, so even more of your skin is connecting with his, “Dude whip out your laptop again I wanna fuck with our Sims family.” 

You definitely don’t check out his ass when he hangs off the bed to pick it up. 

Wow. Dat ass. 

You have got to get your shit together, before you ruin this. Shove those feelings back where they came from.

Or just intertwine your arms with his, get all up in his business arguing over who gets to control the track pad. 

You know, whichever. 

\--------------------------------------

As expected, Thanksgiving Break was fucking terrible. Kankri insisted that you visit him after your announcement that you’d need to stay on campus during the month-long Winter Break to work. He was loud and asked hundreds of intrusive questions and cooked a big human meal on the actual holiday, like it’s something you’ve ever celebrated before. And jesus, that plane ride, that six hour plane ride, both fucking ways, shit shit shit you will never go home again if you can help it. 

You’re about ready to murder when you get back to your dorm, exhausted and plane-sore and a hundred bucks out after a long ass cab ride. 

And as soon as you open your door, there is Dave fucking Strider. 

“How the fuck did you get in here? You don’t have a key. Oh, fuck, never mind, I don’t even want to fucking know.” 

He just shoves a bottle of already-mixed bleach into your hands, “Dude I need to get the last bits of pink out of my hair and we need to touch up your roots anyway let’s just fucking do this.” 

“I just fucking got home, I want to sit down-“ You start, and he shoves you into a chair.

“Word We’ll bleach your roots, then bleach my whole head, then dye your roots pink. Lots of sitting for Karkat. You gonna leave that shirt on and get it bleach-y?” He asks, unphased by your comment. You just take your shirt off and prepare for the bleach. You aren’t going to win this one. 

“Just do it fast, I’m tired for fucking once,” You instruct. He’s already working the solution into your hair; it’ll all be over soon. 

For maybe a split second you get caught up in the feel of his fingers on your scalp, the way they work around your horns. You almost doze off, until the burning sets in. The first time you did your hair like this, that itch set you the fuck off, but now you’re so used to it that you almost look forward to it. 

“How was Kankri? Did y’all get your family on?” Dave asks. He knows damn well how Kankri went, you were live texting him the entire time telling him how miserable you were. 

“I saw Terezi. Had to literally break into her hive. She’s avoiding everyone. I think… I think it’s gotten real bad, Dave,” You tell him. You’re fucking terrified for her. 

“What’d you say to her? She hasn’t talked to me in weeks,” He responds. 

“Tried taking her out of there, to Kankri’s or a shelter or fucking something. She just wouldn’t go. No use in calling the cops, they don’t give a shit about trolls. I don’t know how the fuck to make him stop hurting her,” You say it through gritted teeth. You’re miserable about this. 

“Should we fucking fly back out there and confront the bastard?” He suggests. You like the way he says ‘we’. 

“I honestly have no fucking idea,” You’ve been thinking about this for months, how much you should be involved, when it’s acceptable for you to put yourself in between the two and drag Terezi out kicking and screaming. 

“Think it would help if he went to rehab or some shit? He was like a half decent person before all the drugs, wasn’t he?” Dave asks. 

Yeah, probably, but how the shit are you supposed to get him to go to rehab? You don’t say anything, you don’t know what to say, you just sit there and let him finish your hair. 

“Alright dude, all fucking finished. Give it half an hour and those roots will be blonde as Goldie Locks. Now dump this bleach on my head, I can’t fucking stand to look like this anymore,” He tells you. 

You put on some gloves and begin working the bleach through his hair. There’s a thirty percent chance you’re enjoying it more than you should be, but fuck it, “You’re the one who decided to fucking put pink in your white hair, idiot. I could’ve told you it would never fucking come out.” 

“Man, I was just trying to help a bro out, cut me some slack here Karkles. Just because you’re feeling pretty in pink doesn’t mean I am,” He complains. 

“Hmm, I do look better than you with pink hair, that’s true.” 

He’d have hit you if you weren’t holding a chemical that could blind him. 

After you’ve both showered, and you’re putting pink in your hair, Aradia walks in. 

“Hey, Sollux and I could hear you guys doing your hair through the door! I’ve had this box of red for ages, will you guys help me put it in?” She says, smiling. 

“Yes, oh fuck yes, let’s get the whole crew in on this hair dye extravaganza,” Dave says. You just groan, continue doing your own hair, let him worry about Aradia. Somehow it’s less fun when it isn’t just the two of you. You chalk it up to being far too exhausted to deal with this many people. 

The second they finish their bullshit, you kick them out. 

God fucking forbid you get actual alone time, though. 

Sollux bursts through your adjoined bathroom not five minutes after they leave. 

He doesn’t even bother greeting you, just jumps right into his bullshit, “It’s really a drag that she keeps ditching me to hang out with Feferi.”

“Can we not right now?” 

“No, KK, fucking listen, I’m always hearing you droll on and on about your relationship bullshit-“

“That happened once, like, a year ago. You just never crawl out of your own asshole long enough to realize anyone else is-“

“It’s not like I expect her to spend every waking second with me, but she’s barely sleeping over once a fucking week now. She’s always ‘too busy’ or ‘has plans with the girls’ and I…” 

You completely fucking tune him out, but he’s still definitely talking. Self absorbed bulge fuck. 

CG: TELL ARADIA TO COME BACK AND COLLECT HER TRASH BOYFRIEND  
TG: aw fuck is he bitching again  
CG: HE’S BEEN SAYING THIS SHIT TO YOU GUYS TOO? JESUS CHRIST HE HASN’T EVEN NOTICED THAT I STOPPED LISTENING  
TG: just get into bed  
TG: let the sound of his lisp lull you into sweet sweet slumber 

You do, and you’re almost positive Sollux doesn’t even notice. Sometimes the kid is a shit friend. 

Then again, sometimes you are too. 

Three days later, you’re inundated with conference work. You and Dave have yourselves sprawled out on his common room floor, Tavros and Eridan typing away at essays on their respective laptops on some of the sofas. It’s probably three in the morning, and you’ve all been awake since a day ago. Two days ago? Time gets hazy through the coffee and classes of finals week. 

“Dave, do you have food? Is this yours? This? The pasta?” You’re rooting around in his fridge, and he keeps shooting you down. 

“Dude I’m gonna go ahead and let you know ahead of time that anything in there that looks edible isn’t mine.” 

“How do you…. Eat?” You ask, dumbfounded. 

“I dunno man, we’ve got the campus cafeterias and so much takeout around here,” He shrugs. 

You scoff, literally scoff, which is probably a bit dramatic but it’s already happened so you’d better just roll with the drama card, “You’re lucky enough to score a single bedroom in a dorm with a kitchen, and you don’t even fucking use it? I’d kill for a kitchen!” 

“Uh, we did ask you to apply for group housing with us here, Karkat. You’re the one who said no,” Tavros interjects.

“Aw, come on guys, no one invited me! This is complete bullshit! You know how much nice stuff I have, this place would look so much cooler if I were living here!” Eridan whines. 

You completely ignore both of them and plop back down next to your books. 

Your stomach starts growling. 

“Bro the pub is open all night this week. Let’s get some fucking chicken tenders, see if they’ve started cooking up breakfast food yet. Or just French fries. More coffee. Some juice, oh, shit, juice…” Dave suggests.

“Wow you sound hungrier than I do,” You roll your eyes. 

“How long’s it even been since we’ve had food? We ordered that curry at what, three, four? Strider needs his sustenance. Let’s go to the pub dude come on put those books down let’s fucking roll,” He’s whining, so much, so fucking much, so you get up and put on shoes and a coat. 

There’s a chorus of “more coffee fuuuuck” as you and Dave exit the house together. 

“Nn, it’s getting so cold again. We shot right by beautiful fall foliage and right into freezing your bulge off weather. I hate this shit,” You complain, shuffling your boots against the concrete. 

“It’s not even that bad out, wimp,” Dave mocks you, grabbing both your arms and rubbing them for friction. When he’s finished being an asshole, he sort of just leaves one of his arms awkwardly wrapped around you. He’s doing it to be a condescending dick, you know he is, but it feels nice so you let him keep it there. Because it’s cold. 

The Pub is stuffed full of students, packed together at tables with books and laptops and energy drinks. Kids in the food queue look more like zombies, half asleep. Dave lets go of you the second you’re inside and beelines for the coffee. You force yourself to ignore the disappointment swelling in your chest from the sudden lack of contact and peruse the selection of refrigerated sandwiches.

“Hey Dave, do you have any meal money left on your card?” You ask him when he joins you, a full tray of coffees in hand. 

“Oh yeah, so much meal money, I’m rolling in fake cash dude. I’m a millionaire or some shit,” He tells you. 

“Great, you’re paying for all my food. Go grab honey mustard, we’re getting so many fries,” You instruct, picking up a few sandwiches. 

“Yeah sure. Ask them for a bag so we can carry all this shit,” He tosses you his meal card, “Buy anything you want, babe, it’s on me.” 

He winks at you. You’d have knocked his cocky ass on the floor if he weren’t holding hot beverages. 

Eridan and Tavros both fell asleep where they were working in the twenty minutes it took you guys to grab food. You place a few coffees on the table in front of them to give them fuel when they wake up, and head up to Dave’s room to continue working. 

An hour and three batches of French fries later, you say to him, “You’re here over winter break, right?” 

“Hm? Oh, yeah, yeah. Dirk and Jake broke up again and he’s refusing to go home, so I figured I’d be a good bro and crash here with him.” 

“I’m teaching you how to cook over the holidays, Strider,” You tell him. 

“Aw, man, no, I don’t need to learn how to cook, I’ve made it this far,” He moans. 

“No, it’s pathetic. You don’t even own any food. We’re going to get groceries and having a cooking lesson.”

“Only if you sit me down for a nice candlelit dinner first. Show me your cooking skills. Prove you’re not just teaching me how to make poison,” He barters. 

“Yeah, fine, I’ll make you something. And then we can cook for your ridiculous human holiday together. Invite Dirk over or whatever,” You agree. 

You feel his eyes on you, watching. 

“What?” 

“Uh, nothing man, just… tired.” 

You know he’s lying, but you let it go. 

He’s been staring at you a lot, lately. You wish he’d tell you what the fuck that was about.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next chapter will almost definitely be out late, we are about to enter hell week, but i feel like this is a nice note to leave y'all on till finals are done with :)


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey yall sorry for being mia for a week, here's 32 pages of cute nerds falling for each other to make up for it. i'm still working on all my essays for my classes so this is super hella unedited but it was stressing me out leaving yall hanging so this is the result

“I feel stupid like this, Dave. This has to be culturally appropriative,” Karkat is bitching to you, as per usual. 

You’re feeling a hell of a lot more excited than he does. 

“Dude stop primping, Meenah wants us to meet her, like, right the fuck now, so we’re already running late,” You tell him. 

Meenah invited a few of you to some clutch warehouse party she knows about in Brooklyn. You might think of yourself as hot shit, but realistically you spend most of your time in your room making your own beats, not out on the actual town with real DJs spinning ill tunes. 

“Why the fuck do we have to wear shades? It’s nighttime. And these bandanas? Fuck this, Dave, we look ridiculous,” He moans.

“I don’t know man, she says it’s a color party, there’s gonna be chalk all up in our faces and shit. Just roll with it. And also fucking excuse me, I wear my shades every night, kindly go fuck yourself,” You retort. 

“Oh well excuse me for not wanting to go out dressed up as Dave fucking Strider,” He’s still mumbling under his breath, but at least he’s putting his shoes on. Finally. 

It takes you ten minutes to collect John and Tavros- both looking as ridiculous as you and Karkat- and another twenty to run down to the train station where a very impatient Meenah and Vriska inform you that you’ve missed the 8pm train, and will have to get on whatever one arrives next. You don’t really give a shit. Yeah, you wanna hear this set, the DJs sounded tight online, but really you’re just excited to be drinking the liquor from your flask, letting out some of the end-of-the-semester stress. 

Meenah and Vriska sit together once the train arrives, not so discretely talking shit about the rest of you. You send Karkat off to sit with Tavros so you can spend some quality time with your best bro. 

“Hey Dave, can I talk to you about something?” John asks once the rest of your friends are distracted by their own conversations. 

“Yeah man. Vriska shit?” You question. 

“Oh, no, I mean, she’s, whatever, we’re not talking about that right now. It’s Jake and Dirk,” He corrects you. 

“Aw, shit, are they back together again? I already told Karkat I’d be here over Christmas Break to be with Dirk, do I seriously have to buy a last minute ticket to Seattle?” You complain. 

“No, no, okay, that’s the thing. I don’t think they’re getting back together this time,” John whispers, as if Dirk could hear him from miles away if he spoke at a normal tone. 

You’re actually kind of taken aback. The one constant in your world is that Dirk and Jake will be in an ever-fluctuating state of breaking up and getting back together, “Dude fuck what did Dirk do? Are you telling me I should kick his ass? Not that Jake can’t take care of himself, we’ve all seen those two wrestle, but if he’s all kinds of emotionally compromised I will kindly send my brother’s ass into last week”. 

John laughs, shaking his head, “No. I mean I’m sure he did something weird, he usually does. But it’s Jake. He was talking to me about- fuck, I don’t think I’m really supposed to be talking about it to other people? But I don’t really know what to say to him.” 

“Fuck man is he okay?” You and Jake were never as close as you and John- how could you be when Dirk was constantly riding the kid’s ass? Heh, literally and figuratively, right? Fuck, focus, Strider. Still, you grew up with the dude. You want him to be alright. 

“He’s just been saying stuff like… like he’s not sure if he can even feel romantic love, and like he doesn’t really get what it’s like to be attracted to someone. And, I mean, I think he pretty obviously is thinking he might be on the AceAro spectrum, but then he keeps talking to me about Dirk, and feeling guilty,” John confesses. 

“Shit. That’s a lot for a dude to go through alone,” You breathe out. You need a minute to think of some solid advice. 

“Jane is there, obviously, but, I’m just not sure she’s the best at understanding things that aren’t completely heterosexual nuclear family shit. She’ll support the crap out of him, I just… wish he had someone who knew what the fuck he was feeling like,” Johns says. 

“I dunno dude, you were great at helping me through my shit, after your momentary freak out. You came at me with so much research it was adorable. Just like, do that again. Encourage him to look for an online community. Or fuck, he’s right near Seattle, I’m sure there are meet ups and shit out there,” You advise. 

“What do I say to him about Dirk? I mean, I know Dirk, obviously, but, what do you think he’s going to say about all of this?” John sighs. 

You think about it for a minute and then respond, “If I know my bro, he’s going to take twenty seconds to think about how this all makes perfect fucking sense, get hella supportive and make Jake feel so good about himself, and then spend the next year and a half beating himself up for missing all the signs and dragging Jake through this relationship rollercoaster for so many years”. 

“Oh, fuck, Jake isn’t going to have any idea how much Dirk is hurting. He’s going to take his encouragement at face fucking value and run with it,” John worries. 

“Yeah we’re gonna need to form a coalition to keep Dirk from destroying himself over this shit. Team this-isn’t-about-you-it’s-about-Jake,” You say it like a joke, but John can tell you’re serious. 

“I think Jake might go travelling for awhile, too,” He adds. 

“Shit, where? Is there a single place he could go that Dirk hasn’t already dragged him to?” Dirk really, really tried hard to make Jake happy, keep his adventuring game up. It was stressful for fucking all of you. Dude needed to chill. 

“Beats me. I think it’d be good for him, to go do what he loves by himself. Like an identity journey or something. I mean maybe that’s cliché and stupid, but, I just think Jake would really like something like that,” John smiles. 

“Lets send that kid a selfie so he knows we’re thinking about him, yo. Brotherly love and shit,” You suggest. It’s super questionable how the Egbert-Strilonde clan call each other siblings while also inter-dating like nobody’s business, but, shit, too late to change the dynamic now. 

TG: hey bro just me and john on a train thought you’d wanna see our cute faces  
TG: [sent image]  
GT: Right-o Strider! You two gents look like you’re having quite the time!  
GT: He told you about my mixed feelings towards Dirk, didn’t he?  
TG: ofc he did  
GT: Ah, I see. Do you think Dirk will forgive me?  
TG: man, there’s nothing to forgive you for  
TG: i will personally kick his ass if he thinks there is  
TG: but he won’t  
TG: we all just want you to be who you are bro  
TG: especially dirk  
TG: just be upfront with him man he’ll appreciate it  
TG: and I’ll make sure he doesn’t do anything stupid and crazy   
GT: This conversation was more uplifting than I anticipated.   
GT: Sexuality sure is complicated.  
TG: psh don’t have to tell me that man

The second you’re off the train, Karkat is hovering next to you. 

“You and John seemed to be having a serious fucking discussion over there. You haven’t said anything to me about any kind of major life event. What the fuck is going on?” It breaks your fucking heart the way this dude thinks he just has automatic access to all your secrets. Granted, he does, because you’re crazy about him, but he isn’t supposed to know that. 

“A dude can’t have a private conversation that you aren’t a part of?” You brush him off. 

“Oh, right, I guess I’m just not important enough to be considered a part of your inner circle. Fuck me, right?” He sighs dramatically. 

Fuck him, ha. You wish you could. Fuck, fuck. 

“It’s just some shit between Jake and Dirk, alright? They’re like, over. Permanent style. We’re gonna have to spend some major bro time with Dirk over break. You up for that shit?” You give in. 

“That was literally already the plan. Luckily you’ve got a relationship genius here to navigate Dirk through these tough times,” He brags, like that’s something you’d ever be jealous of. 

“If you two want to feelings jam it out, be my fucking guest,” You can’t get this image out of your mind of upset Dirk making a move on Karkat. It’s kind of pissing you the fuck off. 

“You’re grumpy as fuck tonight, lighten up asshole,” He flicks you on the forehead and runs on ahead to catch up with the rest of the group. 

Watching him in the club is going to be fucking hard when you can barely handle him standing still.

Or it would have been, if you’d actually gotten there. 

It’s not really Vriska’s fault, not at first. You’d probably have hit the guys in the subway for talking shit about trolls, too, if you’d heard them. As it is, you’re the first one by her side when you see the group of guys surround her in the otherwise empty subway car. 

“Yo you got a problem with my fucking friends here?” You say, flash stepping in front of Vriska and Meenah. John and Karkat jog over all threatening, Tavros standing a ways behind them. Even with all of them, you’re outnumbered as fuck. If it comes down to a fight, y’all might get your asses kicked, especially with your chest scars still healing. 

“The fuck is up with you? You an albino or some shit? Why you defending these fucking troll bitches?” One of the dudes slurs at you. They’re obviously drunk as fuck. 

“Okay, step off Strider, Meenah and I can handle them ourselves. You too, John. Back it up,” Vriska directs. 

“Not doubting that you can take care of yourself here but there’s a whole lot of these guys, Vris,” You don’t really have time to finish your thought before one of them is swinging at your face. You throw your arm up to block, but the impact never comes. You look up from behind your arm and they’re all… asleep, “Uh, what the fuck?”. 

Everyone is staring at Vriska, not saying jack shit. Oh. Oh. Oh, fuck, Vriska. She used her powers on them. Shit, shit, that is so fucking bad. You’re all so, so, so, majorly fucked. 

Karkat breaks the silence and takes the lead when the train comes to its next stop. By some miracle of god, you’re riding the last car in deep Brooklyn, so no one is on the platform, “Get off, get off, everyone get the fuck off the train,” Karkat ushers. No one argues as you file out, leaving a car full of sleeping bodies. 

“What the fuck Vriska? Do you realize we’re all fucking criminals now? What the hell was that?” John is yelling, livid. You don’t see him like this often. 

“It’s just some drunk guys on a train. We’ll just hop on the next one in five minutes, chill out,” Meenah comes to Vriska’s defense. 

You see Karkat going to say something, but you pull him back and shake your head. This is very much a relationship fight that John and Vriska need to hash out on their own. 

“Do you have any idea how illegal this is Vris?” John’s still yelling, ignoring fish girl. 

“Oh, wow, thank you human, for reminding me that an innate part of myself is completely illegal! What a supportive boyfriend,” She jeers. 

“I’m not saying- there are reasons- we could all go to jail, Vris!” John stutters. 

From behind you Tavros chimes in, “Honestly John, uh, no offense, but you don’t really have any idea what it’s like to be told you can’t use uh, something that’s a part of who you are. That was less harmful than a fight, uh, right?”

“Just suck it up and come dance, John,” Vriska smiles. Oh, god, that was not the right thing to say to pissed off John. 

“Ugh! You’re always like this! No, no, no! I’m not just doing what you want this time! Dave, come on, we’re going home!” He doesn’t even wait for you, he just starts plodding down the stairs that lead to the Manhattan-bound side of the tracks. 

“I, uh, later guys. Watch yourselves or whatever, alright?” You say, looking at Karkat, waiting to see if he’s following you or staying with the trolls. He looks unsure himself, but ends up shaking his head at Vriska mumbling something that sounds and awful lot like “you always pull this shit” as he walks by her and trails after you and John. 

The subway comes about thirty seconds later, and holy shit, it’s an awkward silent ride back into the city. Forty minutes of silence all the way back to Grand Central, until y’all are seated on the Metro North that’ll take you back to campus. 

TG: dude text tavros see if they’re alright  
TG: cops totally could have scooped them   
CG: I ALREADY ASKED  
CG: THEY’RE AT THE PARTY  
CG: ARE YOU GOING TO SAY SOMETHING TO JOHN OR ARE YOU GOING TO LET HIM MOPE THE ENTIRE WAY BACK  
CG: I’LL SAY SOMETHING  
CG: OH MY GOD THE SILENCE I’LL FUCKING SAY SOMETHING  
TG: just let him chill for a minute  
TG: I’ll see what’s good with him when we’re back in our house   
TG: are you good dude?   
TG: this is probably a stupid privilege thing but  
TG: I didn’t realize y’all not being able to use your powers was   
TG: uh  
TG: you know  
CG: I DON’T HAVE ANY  
CG: I HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO RELATE TO THEM  
CG: BUT, YEAH, NO SHIT IT’S HARD FOR THEM

Suddenly, John: “Guys I can literally see you texting each other, just because I’m pissed off at Vriska doesn’t mean you can’t talk.” 

You all laugh nervously as fuck. 

“Dude are you really that upset with her? Not that this wasn’t a bullshit move or anything, just, wow, Egbert yelling, that doesn’t happen every day,” You say. 

He gets red-faced as hell, “I just broke up with her. Over text. Oh, that was a bad move, she’s going to be so pissed. I just, she does this, you know? She does shit like this all the time and I’m tired of it.” 

“Honestly man I didn’t know shit was getting so bad between you two,” You admit. 

“She’s a huge bitch. She was this irresponsible in high school too. Don’t beat yourself up about it, John. Even Terezi got sick of her shit after awhile,” Karkat tells him. 

“Terezi didn’t break up with her over text, though. Oh man she’s going to hate me,” John worries. 

“Oh dude now you live in a house with your ex. Weak,” You laugh. John just groans. 

CG: AM I SUPPOSED TO MENTION THAT TAVROS IS TRYING TO FUCK HIS EX RIGHT NOW?  
TG: nah man let it go  
TG: damn tav that’s a low move   
CG: IT’S NOT LIKE SHE’S GOING TO LET HIM  
TG: yeah seems like Meenah kind of has dibs  
TG: our friends group is incestuous as fuck 

“Guys! You’re doing it again!” John whines. You and Karkat both shove your phones into your pockets and talk like normal fucking people for the rest of the night. 

After a nice long while of shit talking his now-ex, John goes to bed to wake up on time for his flight back to Seattle, and you end up passing out on the couch next to Karkat while he plays Skyrim. 

You are so positive that you would have slept in so late if you’d passed out in your own bed. But nope, you fell asleep downstairs next to the loudest troll on the planet who, apparently, decided to stay up with your video games all night. Like, the full night. Sometimes it worries you how little this dude sleeps. 

“Dave. Dave. Dave. Come on, I let you sleep till noon, I’m hungry. Dave. I know you’re awake, I see you laughing at me. Dave!” Karkat’s poking at your face. 

“Dude dude fine, I’ll get up, we’ll order some pancakes from the diner holy shit calm down,” You grumble, wiping sleep from your eyes. 

“Oh no, today’s the day Dave. Today’s the day I teach you how to cook. Get your ass in the shower and put on pants,” He nudges you. 

“Mn, only if you get it with me,” Oh, god damn it sleepy Dave. Seriously? That’s the shit you decide to let slip out of your mouth?

Luckily, Karkat just thinks you’re being an asshole, “You fucking wish. Get your ass up.” 

You do not like shopping. Grocery stores are crowded and loud way too fucking hot, except in the frozen section, where it’s way too fucking cold. You never have any idea what to buy, or what aisle the thing might be in if you happen to know what you’re looking for. Dad Egbert used to send you and John on shopping trips. He learned to give up the fifth time you came home with nothing but AJ and whipped cream. 

Shopping with Karkat is nothing like shopping with John. He doesn’t have that disdainful, broken look on his face. He doesn’t lackadaisically knock random foods off the shelf into the cart. It’s not like shopping with Jade was either, trailing after her while she runs around, face in her list, somehow knowing exactly where all of her items are placed and the fastest route to all of them. Karkat doesn’t know where jack shit is, and he doesn’t have a list, but he knows what he wants and has no problem bitching as loudly as possible when he can’t find it. You’ve been up and down every aisle at least twice, and you swear you want to kill him. 

“Fuck I see it! Dave, come on!” He’s got his feet up on the back of the cart, skating around the (thankfully) empty store like a thirteen year old. If it weren’t so early, you’d probably have grabbed a second cart to race him, but fuck having fun before ten AM. 

“Dude we’ve been here for so long. There are too many vegetables in the cart, can’t we just eat canned frosting and be done with it?” You ask, dragging your feet behind him. 

“You’re going to die of a heart attack at thirty if you keep eating the way you do and I don’t want to deal with that shit. Don’t be a selfish grub,” He growls back at you. 

You make the split second decision to be a lazy dick, and flash step yourself into Karkat’s cart, “Push me I’m sleepy.” 

“Get out. Get out, get the fuck out, you’re crushing the spinach Dave, get out,” He’s just as pissed off about it as you hoped he’d be, his face twisting up all cute and angry. 

“Man, I didn’t want the spinach, you forced it on me, I’m just taking my sweet revenge.”

He gives up before you do, like always, and pushes you around like a little kid for the remainder of the trip while you half-snooze and half watch him through your shades. The second you get back to your now-empty dorm, you pass out on the sofa while he puts the groceries away. His cursing and grumbling penetrates your dreams. 

You wake up to the sound of sizzling and the delicious smell of frying butter. It reminds you of the Egbert kitchen, minus all of John’s hot sisters. You roll yourself off the couch and peer over Karkat’s shoulder into the pan, standing just a little too close to him for just bros. He doesn’t seem to notice anything unusual. You’re not sure how that makes you feel. 

“Whatcha cookin’?” 

“This, Dave, is butter! It comes out of the udders of a moo-beast!” His sarcasm could cut you in half. 

“No shit, who’d have guessed? That some fancy ass cooking if I’ve ever seen it. Man, didn’t you say you usually just ate shitty food too? What’s this sudden preoccupation with home cooked meals?” You ask him. You haven’t moved from the spot hovering above his shoulders. It’s faint, but you swear you can smell his shampoo. Oh, fuck, stop smelling him Dave, take a damn step back. 

“I didn’t say I never cooked, it just wasn’t a daily fucking family ordeal like it is with the fucking Egberts. You seriously think Kankri would let me get away eating takeout every meal?” He replies. 

“Yeah yeah fine, whatever, everyone’s family is more responsible than mine I get it. So what are we making?” You sigh. 

“I’m going to fry these eggs and make some bacon. You’re on pancake duty,” He instructs, pointing at a recipe. 

“This is an awfully Egbert breakfast for someone who talks so much shit about them,” You joke, elbowing him in the ribs. 

“I was trying to ease you into the cooking like a real fucking person thing by having you cook something familiar first, but god forbid I’m nice. Next time it’s a steaming pot of grub sauce,” He doesn’t take his eyes off you as he flips an egg over in the pan. Shit’s pretty impressive. You’d better show him up with these pancakes. 

Lucky for you, Jane is seriously the best cook probably ever. Even before going to culinary school, she was fantastic. You’ve listened to her enough to know how to make some damn fine pancakes. A little bit of sugar, a whole lot of love… oh yeah, these are going to blow his socks off. 

They almost do, literally, when you set a small fire with the first batch. You get your shit together after that and the rest turn out pretty well. 

“So, Karkat, here we are, eating at the table, TV off, no laptops, just like you wanted. Just me and you and this delicious food. Man, these pancakes. Wow. Heaven, right? I wish I knew who made them. I’d give them like, six fist bumps. Oh, oh wait, that’s right. I made them,” You ramble on until he shuts you up. 

“Okay okay okay clearly you were right! This was a terrible fucking idea, I don’t know why I thought it would be fun to force myself to have a conversation with you,” He doesn’t make a move to get up from the table though, it’s all talk. 

“Compliment the chef, Kar,” You press. 

“Don’t see you complimenting these eggs.” 

“Holy fuck Karkat, my sweet dick they are good. Okay, you go.” 

“You didn’t poison us Strider, and only set a single fire. This breakfast went better than I anticipated,” He’s probably being serious. 

Karkat starts putting dishes in the sink as soon as you’ve finished eating, but you really hope to avoid the cleanup process for at least awhile. You’re doing your best at creeping silently towards the stairs that lead to your room when you hear the water start running and feel a very cold stream of water hit your back. 

You turn around to block it with your hands and find Karkat glaring daggers at you, holding the sink’s spray nozzle like a gun, “If you think you’re getting out of cleaning duty, I will personally break your legs.” 

“What, you think you’re the only one who knows how to play with water?” You say, maybe just a little too flirtatiously, as you flash step behind him. 

You grab the nozzle from his hands and turn it on him, spraying it directly in his face. The way he yells has you ready to die right on the spot. He’s strong though, stronger than you, especially since you’ve been laying back a bit on the upper body workouts after your surgery. He grabs your wrists and has the hose flipped back to squirting water in your eyes in seconds. 

“You want to fight, Dave? Is that what you’re fucking asking for right now? I’m better than you, Strider, I’ll have you crying on the fl-“

He doesn’t finish his sentence before you throw the both of you forward onto the floor. He loses grip of the nozzle breaking both your falls with his hands, giving you the perfect opportunity to snatch it off the floor. 

You’re damn good at wrestling and have him pinned down on his stomach with your knees, freezing water blasting all over his back. It’s probably fucked up, more fucked up than his innocent “don’t go away without doing the dishes” gesture, because all you’re thinking about is how thin and white his shirt is, how it lets you see the muscles underneath, the way his body moves as he twists and struggles to get out of your grasp, the way- 

Oh, fuck, the way you totally get so distracted by the beauty that is Karkat Vantas that the troll manages to slip out of your grasp and kick you onto your back. 

When he kneels on top of you, he looks like an animal. His feet are on your thighs, knees in your hip sockets, hands on your shoulders. He’s got you completely fucking glued to the ground. 

“Give me the water, Dave.” 

You realize the nozzle is still in your hands. 

“Nah,” You spray him with it. 

He growls at you, Karkat actually growls like a damn cat, tightening his grip on your shoulders. 

“Strider. I will cull you.” 

“Yeah, right,” You squirt him again. 

“I swear to shit, Dave, if you do that again I’ll-“

You do it again. This time it’s not a limp pulse of water, you just keep it going. He hops off you and you scramble to your feet, not letting up on the getting Karkat completely soaked plan for a second. He outsmarts you, though, picks up a pan from the stove and holds it up against the stream so that it’s splashing back in your face. 

You swear you want to die. This is the most bullshit, stereotypical, totally out of one of his rom-com movie moments you have ever had the misery of living through and you honestly aren’t sure if this is the kind of thing that means you’re supposed to kiss him or if it’s just happening because holy fuck the universe wants you to suffer. 

And then there’s a knock on the door. 

You both stop, put your respective weapons down, and start cracking the fuck up. The door opens ten seconds later- it’s Sollux, he has a key, he was just being polite. 

“Do I even want to know what you freaks were doing in here?” The yellow blood asks, surveying the scene. Everything is covered in water, including the two of you.

“Just washing dishes bro. Is this not how you do it?” You say. 

“What’s up?” Karkat asks him, wringing out his shirt. 

Sollux shuffles his feet, “Aradia got into that program. The one at Oxford. The government is letting her go over. We sort of broke up.” 

“I’m gonna go up to my room if y’all wanna talk this shit out down here,” You offer. You’re friends with Sollux, sure, but you don’t know the dude well enough to be included in a conversation like this, and Karkat is far too wet to be walking back to their dorm in the middle of winter. 

You hear a small, “Thanks Dave,” from Karkat as you head up the stairs.

You resolve to take a shower while the two of them chat, figure it would be good to warm up a bit and get dry. You’re having trouble getting the last ten minutes out of your mind, the way Karkat felt hunched over you like that, his legs entwined with yours, his grip on your chest, the feel of his hands in yours, that faint honeycomb smell the comes off his neck-

You end up taking a cold shower. For reasons. 

 

This is, without a doubt, the most depressing Christmas you’ve ever had. You aren’t with the Egberts, your sisters didn’t bother flying out to see you and Dirk this year, and holy fuck you decided to spend the day with not only post-breakup bro, but also post-breakup Sollux. 

On the bright side, you and Karkat cooked a bitchin’ meal. Not necessarily a typical Christmas meal, but damn if it doesn’t taste good. Karkat convinced you (convinced you with a shit ton of yelling and a small amount of physical force) to use one of the campus grills in the freezing cold to heat up some chicken and corn on the cob. He sat inside slaving over a hot stove for six hours making Alternian food. He claims it’s a traditional feast for 12th Perigee Eve or some shit. You have no clue what most of it is, but it’s spicy and delicious and if you put enough of it in your mouth at once you can almost block out the nauseating depression looming over the table. 

Karkat is the only person who’s said anything all meal. He also hasn’t stopped talking. Really, you aren’t sure how he’s gotten any food in his mouth when he keeps yammering on like that, but you guess it’s better than awkward silence. 

“…so if you’re all done pushing the food I took the time to make for you around your plates, why don’t we just fucking stop sitting here like a bunch of lipid lumps and check out all the fucking presents we’ve got. Oh, that’s right, Dave and I took the mother fucking time to make sure everyone had presents, you’re fucking welcome. Going to warn you now, Sollux, the Strider creeps here got mailed a hoard of presents, one from every member of their fucked up little family, so they’re going to seem a shit ton more loved than we do, big fucking surprise there.” 

Dirk laughs for the first time all night, “Karkat you spent an entire summer with us, you’re officially a part of the clan now.” 

“Yeah man, even Roxy sent you a present,” You agree. 

“She’s got a bad habit of sending people cats,” Dirk warns. 

“Hopefully she didn’t ship one across the country though,” You add. 

It’s actually kind of nice unwrapping gifts with these kids. Roxy and Rose got you all (minus Sollux… Sollux is probably feeling a bit down in the family area right now) assorted meaningful and useful items, you and bro tried to out-irony each other, as usual, and the Egberts sent a whole bunch of useless but hilarious games. You feel Karkat side-eye you when you open up a present from Jade. You’re glad she’s gotten over being pissed at you, at least enough to remember the spirit of the holidays. 

Everyone cracks the fuck up when it turns out the thing she sent you is a glitter bomb, but she put a little note in the bottom reading “Just kidding! Miss you Dave, only one more year till I’m home! xx”. 

“Do you think you’ll date her again when she’s back?” Karkat asks you. A year ago you were crazy into her, and would have said yes without hesitation. You’ve had a while to think about how terrible of an idea you and she had been though, no matter how much you loved each other. Without a doubt, she needs someone more motivated, more adventurous, less of a complete asshole than you. 

Even if none of that was true, you’re pretty sure you wouldn’t be able to get Karkat out of your head for long enough to even consider dating someone other than him. Christ this situation keeps getting worse. “Nah bro, I think I miss being just friends with her.” 

The most surprising gift of the evening is a package deal for both you and Karkat, from Terezi, addressed: “Some shining armor for my paranoid knights”. Inside is a pair of matching watches. Gold watches. Holy shit, they are huge and gaudy and hilarious and you’re wearing yours already and Karkat has his jammed so far into his pocket you’re surprised it hasn’t fallen out and hit the floor. Gotta remember to send TZ something amazing for her birthday after this shit, damn this girl is great. 

“Hey, Sollux, you know about that engineering conference starting up in a few days?” You overhear Dirk talking to the troll. 

“Hm? Oh, the one upstate? There’s some interesting coding talks going on there, wish I could have afforded tickets,” Sollux responds. 

“Guess whose ex-boyfriend was supposed to go with him?” Dirk smiles, holding out a pass to the conference. 

“Wait, seriously? I can’t pay you for this, Dirk,” You swear you’ve never seen Sollux happy before, but here he is, smiling. 

“Jake paid for this shit, not me, I don’t care. You going to come or no? I’m getting a zip car and driving out tomorrow,” Dirk offers. 

“Hell yes I’m coming.” 

The two trolls head back to their dorm shortly after, leaving you and Dirk to have some sibling time. For the two of you, that’s really just giving each other shit. 

“So you break up with Jake English for the last time and already have your eye on some troll candy?” You wink at him. 

“Man, dude’s in so many of my tech classes, I just know he’d have a good time there. I’d rather go with him than go alone. Break up bros. It’s better than you, cooking dinner with your not-boyfriend like you’re a house wife or something,” He grins. 

“It’s not even like that,” You don’t believe yourself when you say it, and neither does Dirk. 

“So you gonna make a move baby bro?” 

“Nah man, I don’t think he’s into me,” You sigh. 

Dirk just sort of cackles as he tosses you a PS4 controller, “Then shut up and play a game with me.” 

\---------------------------------------

Counting today, you’ve got exactly seven days alone with Dave. Seven days while Sollux and Dirk are off undoubtedly doing something gay together, before Egbert flies back from Seattle, before any of the trolls get back to their dorms. You’re not entirely sure why you counted, but it’s seven days. You keep telling him, pretending to be annoyed. You aren’t really annoyed. 

Okay, right now at this specific moment you’re annoyed, but it’s only because you’re both supposed to be getting stuff done around the Music Library before Kanaya gets back, and the asshole has left you in a pile of books in favor of dancing on the front desk to music he is absolutely blasting through the sound system. 

“Are you going to help me or just dance all fucking day?” You shout to him. Good thing you’re loud, or he never would have heard you over the music. 

Dave hops down and bounds over to you, pulling you to your feet by your arm, “Man you keep telling me we’ve got seven days to do all this shit. Take a fucking break, yo. Come on, I want to show you my jams from last semester.” 

“Dave, I’ve heard them all already,” You point out. Like the kid would ever turn in a single assignment without running it by you first, as if you know literally a single thing about music. 

“Come on Karkat groove with me here,” He takes you by the hand and spins you around, grabbing your other hand when you’ve made a full spin to pull you into a lame dance. 

“You’re not good at this,” You tell him, but his dorky moves have you smiling. 

“I haven’t even whipped out my best moves yet Karks. You just wait till Spring Formal this year, I’ll have you ready to drop your panties for me,” He says shit like that all the time. Sometimes makes you wonder what the kid would do if it actually happened. He’d probably be scared shitless and make fun of you. Asshole. 

“You think I don’t have moves, Strider? Crab dad taught me mother fucking moves. He might have been a monster, but he was also a gentleman,” You have to show him up, you absolutely have to. 

You toss a leg behind his knee to throw him off balance and force him into the best damn dip you can muster. He might know how to jam out to music, but you know how to fucking formal dance. 

You smirk right down into those black shades of his, “You can’t out charm me, Dave. I’m the fucking master of romance. If you need to woo a girl, feel free to ask me for help.” 

You feel like maybe that was the wrong thing to say. You visibly see his face fall as he wriggles out of your arms. 

“M’not interested in wooing girls,” You aren’t sure if he meant for you to hear it, but you do. 

“So you can dish the burns out but you can’t take them?” You say. He’s been so fucking sensitive lately, it’s getting on your nerves. 

“Let’s bail dude. We can get this work done later in the week. It’s nice out today, let’s get some fucking hot chocolate and walk around town,” He’s changing the subject, but his idea doesn’t sound so bad. 

“If we don’t finish the shit Kanaya left for us before she gets back, I’m pinning it all on you,” You warn him. He just ruffles your hair. 

You like walking. You did a whole lot of walking on Alternia, and you never got a car on Earth. Walking is a nice way to clear your head. Dave seems to agree with you. It’s almost impossible to get the nerd to shut up under normal circumstances, but he’s happy to shove his hands in his pockets and shuffle along silently next to you as you make your way down the hill and into town. 

Your normal coffee shop- Slave to the Grind- isn’t nearly as crowded as it is during the semester. You try ordering yourself a hot chocolate- Dave has banned you from coffee after one particularly nasty caffeine fueled rage rant- but he swoops in. 

“I pulled you out of work dude, let me pay,” He says it like a request, but you know he’s not going to let you hand the cashier your money no matter how hard you try. 

“Fine, I’ll grab a table. If it’s on you, tell him to make it a large and add the extra ten cents for the whipped cream,” Might as well take advantage. 

When Dave comes over with your drinks, he sits on the same side of the table as you and whips out his phone. His arm is brushing against yours, and if you didn’t know better, you’d swear he was flirting with you. He’s not though, he’s just being Dave. Which is fine, whatever Karkat, don’t fuck this friendship up. 

“Karks help me scour for memes,” Dave hands you his phone, Tumblr open (fucking dork). 

“Was that a Sims reference? The level of cool you’re exuding right now Dave, you have no idea,” You roll your eyes. 

“Don’t be intimidated. Holy- Karkat, scroll back up. Did you just fucking scroll past Michelle Obama posing next to a celery slide? How do you not reblog that? Give me my phone back, your Tumblr rights are revoked,” He scolds you. 

“Oh, no, I am devastated,” You drop his phone back into his hands and take the top off your hot chocolate to lick some of the whipped cream off the top. He watches you do it, you see him watching you. Holy shit, is he actually flirting with you? Is that what’s going on here? Do you want that to be going on here? No, no, no that can’t be what’s going on here. Dave doesn’t like you. Dave spends most of his time trying to annoy the shit out of you, and it’s not like he’s cultured enough to be black flirting. No. You’re being stupid, and ruining things, just like you did with Terezi, just like you did with Gamzee. You will not like Dave Strider. You won’t. Say something off putting, fix this shit Karkat, “Quit gawking Dave, fuck.” 

“Bro, your tongue is creepy,” He says without missing a beat. Yeah. He’s definitely not flirting. 

You ignore the deflating feeling in your chest and quip back, “What, because it’s more useful than the squishy pink thing you’ve got in your mouth? My tongue could destroy yours.”

Oh, Christ, you just said that actually out loud to Dave. You told him your tongue would destroy his, and he’s covering his mouth trying not to laugh at you and holy Jesus motherfucking troll Christ you objectively the most grub lipped nook munch on Earth. He chokes on his coffee, clearly trying not to laugh at your completely ridiculous arrangement of words. 

“Want to take these for a walk?” Dave finally says to you, putting his coat back on. 

“Whatever.” 

You’re both quiet again, walking through Bronxville. You decide to take the long route back to campus, looping around town to the far side of the dorms. It hasn’t snowed yet this year, so the streets are still littered with dead leaves. Campus is nestled in between two towns- affluent Bronxville and much-less-well-off Yonkers. The town line is made evident by a Starbucks on the side of the road in the former and a Dunkin’ Donuts on the latter. 

The streets in Yonkers are less cutesy village and more urban. You prefer it, honestly. It reminds you of the troll quarters in all the places you’ve ever lived. Dave popped an ear bud into your ear during the walk. He’s busy flipping through tunes on his iPhone in one hand and sipping coffee with the other. The kid actually has made some good music this semester. Not that his stuff before now wasn’t up to par, but, you can tell there’s something more behind it now. He sounds like an artist with a muse. You wonder who she is. 

Dave tugs on your sleeve, pulling you out of your thoughts, “Let’s get snacks at Mobile dude. Chips and shit.” 

“We just went shopping. I could just make dinner.” You argue. 

“But what about after dinner, bro? You don’t want the salty caress of a Pringles chip in your mouth?” He’s already started walking that way, and you’re connected via headphone so you just trail along next to him mumbling curses under your breath. 

You end up leaving him in his dorm after dinner to go take care of some of the stuff at the Music Library that you can’t get out of your head. You don’t sleep anyway, might as well get something accomplished while Dave does. On your walk back in the middle of the night you consider passing by his dorm to see if his light is still on, but resolve to just see him tomorrow. You’re loud and annoying and it’s three in the morning. He doesn’t want to see you, especially since you’re the only company he’s going to have over the next six days. You decide to spend the rest of the night catching up on some of your Alternian TV shows, and konk out around seven AM. 

 

“Hey Karkat. Karkat. Buddy. What’s going on? You feeling okay bro? You’re never asleep. Karks? Karkitten?” It’s Dave’s voice, and it’s whispering directly into your ear, and you want it to fucking stop. 

“How the shit did you get in here?” You mumble, pulling the covers up over your head.

“Dude you know locked doors mean nothing to me. Do you have any idea what time it is? I thought you died,” He tells you, showing you the clock on his way-too-bright phone. 

“Oh fuck, it’s night time.” 

“Yeah man you had me so bored all day I actually went into the Music Library and got the rest of our shit done. So you owe me. You’re taking me out on the town tonight. We’re going drinking in the Big Apple. Put on some nice clothes, that sweatshirt game you usually rock is going to get us carded.” He says. 

You take a look at him, decked out in black pants and a red velvet blazer over one of his usual dorky tees. Fucking hipster, “You do look nicer than usual. Fine, give me ten minutes to shower.”

“Ouch, backhanded compliment. I look nice everyday.” 

You end up slightly more dressed down than him, because flannels are nice and the bouncers will only be looking at your winter coat, anyway. 

You were worried that the two of you wouldn’t actually make it into any bars, but Dave got a list of places that don’t card from Dirk and is a surprisingly smooth talker. Or he just rambles on for so long that the bouncers let him in just to get him to shut up. One of the two. Your first stop is a tiny bar that has you seated next to each other on velvet benches that line the walls. There’s live piano, and pictures of celebrities cover the walls. Rue B, its called, and Dave tells you its in Alphabet City. You don’t really know what that means but they make some great whiskey cocktails. 

“Dirk says they have great mac and cheese here. Want to split some? We’re gonna be out late, might as well fill up now so we don’t end up puking our guts out.” He isn’t really asking, he’s already ordered a plate. 

“Are there places like this in Washington?” You ask him. 

“In Seattle, sort of. It’s not as big as New York. Too many fucking buses too. I like this city better. What about where you’re from? Where… are you from? Shit. All I know is California.” He says, sipping on his beverage. 

“Troll facility on the outskirts of San Diego. It’s awful, never go there,” You swallow down the last of your whiskey and motion to the bartender for a second. 

“Aw dude you saw my hometown I have to see yours,” He prods you in the side. 

“My hometown is on Alternia and is under the control of the Condesce. You literally can’t see it,” You say. 

“You want to get all technical? Fine bro we can get technical. I was born in Houston, you know. Only moved to Washington when my parents or genetic engineers or whatever the fuck they were all mysteriously disappeared,” He corrects you. 

“Fine, Jesus, you want to come see the slums next time I’m forced to visit Kankri? Be my guest. What the fuck is up with your parents though? You never talk about that shit, and it doesn’t really make any sense,” You would have phrased that better if you hadn’t already sucked down half of your second cocktail, you’re sure of it. 

“Man, I dunno, it’s a sore subject for Roxy and Dirk but I don’t really remember them and they’re clearly assholes who didn’t give a shit about us so whatever it’s not like I’m lacking in the family department. Oh fuck mac and cheese, yes.” He’s got his fork in the food before the waitress has it all the way on the table. You can tell he’s getting a little tipsy from his complete lack of punctuation. 

You’re both a little less sure-footed on your walk to Sweet and Vicious, your next destination. It’s a little ways away on the Lower East Side, but it’s surprisingly warm for a January night and the alcohol is keeping your cheeks warm. You realize how badly you have to pee halfway there and grab Dave by the wrist to make him run a little faster towards the establishment. When you get there, he orders drinks and snags a seat out back in the heated patio while you’re in the bathroom.

“Dude everyone at the bar said we had to drink these so here,” He shoves a frozen margarita in your hands.

“It’s fucking winter this seems a little- oh, fuck, never mind this is delicious.” Really, it is. It’s huge too, given to you in a handled mason jar with a cherry on top. 

You don’t realize how strong it is until you’re both on your second one, up and dancing in the middle of the patio with some random human girls who keep saying how fucking cute the two of you are. One of them really, really wants to get up close to you, but Dave’s got you by the hands and doesn’t seem to have any intention of letting you go. She’s loud and annoying, anyway. You really wish she’d quit pawing at you. Dave is much cuter. 

“Ther’s too many girls here lets find somewhere else,” You lean in to Dave’s ear and whisper. 

“If you insist.”

It’s a short stumble to the next establishment, some place in a basement that you don’t catch the name of. There’s more dancing here, but less people, and most of them seem to be coupled up. The bartender gives you two free shots- says he’s never had a troll in here before- and then you’re smiling and laughing and jamming out with Dave again. 

You love his dorky dance moves, you really do, with the shoulders and the elbows. If he were shorter it’d probably seem like lowkey dancing, but he isn’t, he’s a giant, and he’s all angles and awkwardness. After a few more shots each, you find yourself mostly lost in the music, vaguely being pulled back to the front of your consciousness when you feel his hand on your hip. You put your head down, lace one of your fingers through his belt loop, and pretend like that is the most normal casual just bro thing to do. 

You don’t exactly remember how you start the fight, but you are pretty sure it’s your fault. All you see now is some human’s hand coming at your face and you almost laugh at him for thinking he has a chance of beating you. You catch his fist easily, twist it around like you’re going to break his arm and- oh, oops, someone’s picking you up, holding you by the armpits and dragging you out of the bar. Oh, hey, it’s Dave. Hi Dave. 

“Shoulda lemme kick ‘is ass,” You slur, folding your arms in front of your chest. 

He’s leaning up against the side of the building trying to catch his breath, “Dude I let you break his nose I wasn’t going to let you dislocate his arm too.” 

You broke his nose? “I broke his nose? Don’t remember that.”

“Pahaha, ‘course you don’t. How many shots did you ‘ave? D’you remember why you hit ‘im in the firs’ place?” He asks. 

You think about it, and get bored of thinking about it, and shake your head. 

“He put his arm around me and- never mind, fuck it.” He looks kind of dejected and you try taking a comforting step towards him but whoops, oh fuck, there goes your footing. You catch yourself before you fall all the way over, try to play that shit off. 

“Dude you can’t even stand holy shit. Come ‘ere.”

You don’t argue with him, just let yourself fall into his shoulder with his arm wrapped around you. 

“Can we go to bed? ‘M tired,” You ask him, yawning for dramatic effect. 

“Oh, shit, it’s almost two. We’re gonna miss the last train, shit, let me hail a cab.” 

He guides you over to the side of the road, ushers you into a taxi when one pulls over. It’s weird being in a car after so long, especially all drunk like this. The lights of the buildings whiz by and meld into this stream of color, only disrupted by the start-and-stop traffic of the city. Man, so many people in cars. 

“Cars are crazy,” You say after awhile, and he just kind of laughs next to you. 

You don’t like how hard he’s pulling on your hand when you get to Grand Central, or how fast he’s trying to make you run. You like it even less when he turns to you and says, “Yeah man we so missed the train.” 

You let everything get hazy for a while, not in the mood to deal with missing the train, although it’s probably questionable if you could have held on to your consciousness even if you really wanted to. You come to in a diner. There’s a bunch of food in front of you that you’re sure you must have ordered, and Dave is saying some words about something that you aren’t even going to try to understand. 

“Dave where are we?” You’re slurring still, but wow, this water you’ve got in your hand is incredible. 

“Dude for like the fourth time I took us to a 24 hour diner. Next train comes in two hours. Eat your fucking potatoes,” He’s sipping on a beer. You vaguely wonder if his intention is to get as drunk as you are. Bastard. 

“Let’s play a game or something. This is gonna be a boring few hours,” You tell him. 

“What game?” 

“What are good drunk games?”

“Ones that make you talk about your fucking feelings, bro,” You swear he blushes when he says this. 

“We could just… talk. About them. The feelings, I mean,” You trip over your words, poking at an ice cube with your straw. 

“So like are you going to date Terezi or no?” He says it like it’s been on the tip of his tongue all night. 

“Uh what the fuck?” Really, you don’t know how to respond. Haven’t you had this conversation with him like a hundred times?

“Y’all are all, close and stuff again, you know? Just, if she’d make you happy, you know. You haven’t all up and dated anyone since her just sort of figured you weren’t over her or whatever,” His words come out too fast, it’s weird. 

“If I have to tell you I don’t like her like that anymore one more fucking time, I’m going to want to rip my own ears off Dave,” There’s more exasperation behind your words than there is bite. Damn alcohol. 

“Don’t believe you buddy.” He looks so fucking sad, even behind the shades. 

“Wh’a, like you don’t care about Jade anymore? It’s the same shit. Oh. Oh, unless you, oh. You’ve still got it for her, that’s why you think I’m still into Pyrope.” Suddenly you’re feeling kind of sad. This is a stupid game. 

“Areyoukidding. No. Not at all. Zero.” 

“Zero what?” 

“Feelings. For Jade. Zero romance feelings, zero genital feelings. It’s all friendship feelings man.” 

“Oh, jesus, do you have to be so explicit all the time?” You toss a fry at him. Fucker catches it in his mouth. 

“But really dude if you don’t still have it for Terezi, why aren’t you dating anyone?” He asks.

You think about it for a minute. You’ve never really been into dating just whoever. You like being alone, unless you’re with someone who makes you feel like you’re alone when you’re with them. The only person you’ve felt like that around in years is Dave and- oh. 

“Who the fuck am I supposed to date, Strider?” Yell at him, that’s a good idea. Make sure you can forget where your last train of thought was going. Make sure he never suspects. 

“Yeah you are pretty annoying.” 

“Why aren’t you dating anyone, jackass?” Let’s see how Dave likes being in the hot seat. 

He doesn’t even answer, just keeps looking at you dead in the face. 

He ends up drinking a whole bunch of beer while you’re at the diner. By the end of it you’ve managed to come out the more sober one (although slightly less sloshed is probably a more accurate way to describe it). You let him rest most of his weight on you for the walk back to Grand Central, and don’t even try to make fun of him when he falls asleep on your lap once you get on the train. The walk from the train station to campus is horrible. You’re both in this weird place between completely fucked up and hung over, and people are passing you on their way to work looking at you like you’re a bunch of drunk idiots which, to be fair, you probably are. There’s a lot of “dude come on like just five more minutes we can make it” and “no leave me here to die it’s too far” going on. 

You make it to his dorm though, both strip down to your boxers and flop into his bed. You don’t have the energy to make it all the way back to your own room, you just don’t. 

“Are you about to sleep two days in a row Karks? This shit is insane.” He laughs, pulling the covers up over both of you. 

“I know, right? Thanks, alcohol.” 

You don’t say anything when sleepy-Dave presses his face into your shoulder. You might actually like it. You might encourage a deeper snuggle by rolling over onto your side so his nose is buried in your back, hand resting on your hip. It’s just drunk cuddling. You can pretend to be annoyed about it in the morning. 

 

You wake up first from a drunk, motionless sleep, the kind of sleep that leaves you feeling more tired than you did when you went to bed. It’s hot and sticky, the heater turned up way too hot. Dave’s body is still pressed up against yours, arm draped over you. Your hands are shaky and your head hurts and you can tell you’re going to have to vomit in about an hour, but right now going back to sleep sounds nicer. You pull some of the blankets off the two of you to reduce the heat, and shimmy just a little closer to him. 

The next time you wake up is because Dave is moving away from you, out of bed, out the door. You hear vomiting coming from his bathroom, and immediately the same feeling hits your stomach. You run down the hall after him. 

“Dave move I have to throw up,” You’re banging on the door. 

“Dude I’m a little fucking busy throwing up myself,” He calls back to you.

“Dave.”

He doesn’t respond. 

“Dave I’m gonna throw up in the hallway.” 

“Dave!” 

The door opens, “Dude just vomit in the shower fuck.” 

He’s back to hovering over the toilet. You don’t have time to make it all the way to the shower and opt for the sink instead. Fuck, this is disgusting. You really never wanted to vomit with Dave. Not the bro activities you had in mind. 

“You okay dude?” He asks you as you’re washing out the sink. 

“Mmph.” You stumble over to the shower, turn it on, and just sit directly under the water in your shirt and boxers. Fuck it, right? You’ve got your back leaning against the wall, your legs over the side of the tub facing Dave with your head in your hands. You hear the toilet flush, and feel him climb in next to you. 

“I have never felt worse than I do right now,” He tells you, pushing you over a bit so he can get under the water. 

“This is the most pathetic thing we have ever done together,” You agree. 

“Thank fuck we’re alone.” 

“Mmn. I’m thirsty, fuck,” You respond. 

“Just open your mouth bro. Accept the gift the shower is giving you,” He follows his own advice, drinks the water raining down on you from the faucet.

“Is your phone in here?” You ask.

“Yeah.” 

“Let’s order food.”

“Oh fuck you’re going to let me get take out for once? Thank all the stars in the sky. What do you want? I’ll Seamless it,” He says, grabbing for his iPhone. His posture gets all awkward trying to hold it out of the water while still remaining in the shower. 

“Not diner food, please.” Enough of that just came out of you. 

“Chinese? I want those chicken finger things yo.” 

“Get me scallion pancakes. And a soda.” 

“Dude you need to eat more than that,” He lectures.

“I can’t I’ll die.” And people say you’re dramatic. 

“I’ll just get extra chicken fingers you can have some of my food.” 

“Then make sure it comes with sweet and sour sauce.” You concede. 

You both sit in the shower, half asleep, until the delivery guy knocks on the door. He looks at you both like you’re nuts as you collect the food and hand him some cash completely clothed and dripping wet. You guys take the food up to Dave’s room, put on dry clothes, throw on the worst movie you can find on Netflix (it’s Zombie Strippers and it’s the third time Dave has made you watch it), and chow down. 

“Dude is it bad that it’s already dark out?” He asks you, motioning out the window. 

“I’m already fucking exhausted from our long day of sitting in the shower so yeah we’re pretty much embarrassing shit stains,” You agree. 

“Let’s clean this shit up tomorrow and play Sims dude. You left your computer here a few days ago so we’re gold,” He suggests. 

“Shouldn’t I go home tonight?” You probably shouldn’t crash in Dave’s bed for the entirety of winter break. 

“All your clothes are wet dude. Fire up a rom com on my laptop and we’ll watch that and play games all night,” He pats you on the head and climbs into bed, already starting up your husktop. 

“Let’s watch a show, I don’t have the attention span for a full movie.” You tell him. 

“Yeah whatever just make it something English I don’t have the energy for subtitles” 

“Dave, why is Gossip Girl on your recently watched list?” 

“Nepeta made me try an episode.” 

“Was it good?” 

“Man I was expecting it to be some crazy girly drama and that’s exactly what is was, all sex and romance and chicks yelling at each other.” 

“So should we watch it?”

“Hell fucking yes.” 

You both fall asleep about twenty minutes later, and spend the entirety of the next day in his bed actually playing Sims and watching Gossip Girl. He convinces you to stay over for the third night in a row, which is nice, because you’d rather be in his bed than alone in yours. 

Day four of you and Dave Strider alone on campus starts off looking a lot like day three. You play some games (he is very into the Sims, it’s becoming an addiction, you’re worried about him), cook some lunch, watch some TV. 

“Dave I have to go home today,” You tell him. It’s already 8pm and you’re both locked in a game of Mario Party. 

“Dude no, you’re the only one on campus what am I supposed to do for the rest of the night. Oh fuck mini game get ready,” He directs your attention back to the game. 

“Oh fuck Luigi is going to kick our ass, fucking computer. I really need to shower and change my clothes though, I smell like garbage,” You tell him. 

“Yeah I guess you do,” He smiles. Dick. 

“If you actually can’t stand being alone for five seconds you can come crash at mine. Sollux probably left his door unlocked if you want to sleep on his bed, but the nook licker never washes his sheets and I’ve heard the shit he and Aradia get up to in there,” You offer. 

“Oh fuck dude move Luigi’s gonna fucking bounce on you- shit yes, yes, we won, fist bump bro. But yeah man sure I’ll grab my guitar and we can jam or something,” He agrees. 

“I don’t play an instrument Dave you know this,” You grumble. 

“I’ll teach you then dude it’ll be fun.” 

“Whatever.” 

Neither of you realize it’s snowed until you’re about to walk back to your dorm. Thank fuck you wore your Docs out, you’d be fucked if you didn’t have boots. You’re halfway back to your dorm when he throws a snowball at your face. You haven’t been outside in days; you’ve got some pent up energy. It’s on. 

He seems to be feeling the same way. You see him launch himself behind a stone wall lining one side of the pathway, and you dive behind the opposite wall. 

“I’ll wreck you Strider!”

“You won’t get one hit in Karkat.” 

You both lob dozens of snowballs at each other and, okay, he’s faster at dodging and better and aiming than you are. This is clearly not the way to beat him. He’s hit you with pretty much every shot he’s taken and you’re fucking cold, snow sneaking its way into the cracks between your clothes. You need a new battle strategy. You know you’re stronger than him. There’s your win. 

You jump out from behind the wall and barrel through the few snowballs he lobs directly at your face. You hear him scream when you vault over the wall he’s crouching near and tackle him down into the snow. 

“Eat shit, dick face,” You taunt him, shoving a handful of snow directly in his face. 

His arms are long as hell though, and he manages to remove you from your perch on top of him by reaching around and putting snow in your pants. 

“Fucking shame globes that’s cold fuck you!” 

You’re both standing directly in front of each other now, and you’ve got fury in your eyes. 

“Oh shit dude. Dude chill it’s just a little snow in the pants. Don’t- fuck dude, what are you gonna do- ah!” 

You’ve got two hands full of snow and you’re going to kill him. He takes off sprinting towards your dorm but you’re right behind him, slowing him down with pelts of snow to the back. You take a jumping leap towards him that sends you both spiraling to the ground again. You wrestle the tall kid onto his back, which isn’t too hard, because he’s laughing his ass off more than he is fighting you at this point. Fuck that, you’re merciless and out for blood. 

You’re pounding snow into his face, his shirt, his hair, “Concede, human, admit defeat, tell me I’ve won.” 

He picks up a little snow, a sad attempt to fight back, but you continue your pummeling and he can’t seem to get over his laughter. 

“Fine, fine, Jesus Karkat you’re the winner, you are the best, you beat me at snow, ha ha, oh my god, stop throwing it in my face now please shit,” He gives up, dropping his hands above his head in defeat. 

Winning makes you feel good, and his laughter makes you feel good, and you realize how ridiculous your snow barrage just was and you end up cracking up on top of him, sinking into his freezing cold chest as the two of you giggle into each other like two grubs at a sleepover. 

When you look up, he’s got his shades off wiping tears out of his eyes. You move your hands up near his head to give you some leverage to stand up but accidentally knee him right in the groin, which just makes you both laugh some more. And then you’re just laying there, nose to nose, smiles slowly receding off your faces. 

“Fuck” He curses. 

“Wh-what?” You’re heart is pounding pretty hard, you don’t know what’s going on, you feel like you should move but your body won’t move and his eyes are so fucking pretty fuck fuck Karkat you’re letting this get out of control he doesn’t want this he-

“Just, come ‘ere” He grunts.

You don’t know how, but his hand- his freezing cold fucking hand- is on the back of your neck and oh god and it’s bringing your face down towards his and his lips are so cold wow, wow they feel good moving against yours. 

It takes you a good fifteen seconds to realize he’s kissing you, another ten to realize you’re kissing him back, and a good thirty seconds for you to admit that yes, fuck yes, this is the feeling you’ve been suppressing and fuck why did you ever do that this is the best kiss you’ve ever fucking had. 

Once you get over your internal monologue bullshit you take some fucking initiative and try using your hands as well as he is using his. You put one on the side of his face, but you feel him tense up and try not to laugh- right, your hand is cold. You move it down to his chest, grasping at his shirt as he adds a second hand to the back of your head and deepens the kiss. 

You love this, really, really, you do, but your knees are buried in snow and your fingertips are going numb. You pull back from his lips just enough to talk. 

“Dave, wait-“

“Fuck, fuck, are you okay dude? I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have, shit, shit, shit…”

“No shut up it’s just cold you fucking dork,” You smile, and kiss him again for emphasis. 

“Yeah man my ass is fucking frozen it feels like-“ You kiss him again. You want him to shut up. 

The two of you don’t unhook your lips as you drag yourselves to your feet. It’s not a far walk to your dorm, but it takes you both awhile to get there. Your hands are all over each other, in belt loops, in pockets, just grabbing for any fabric to pull yourself in closer to him. You press him against the door of your room while you fumble around for your keys and struggle to get the lock unhooked. When you get inside, you both just stand in the doorframe for a few seconds, shivering and dripping melting snow onto the floor. 

“Dude I have to get out of these clothes,” Dave says after a few minutes. 

It’s awkward, and uncomfortable, and neither of you know what to do. You scrunch up your face and, fuck it, kiss him again, “Fine, yeah, I have sweat pants you can borrow.” 

You both throw off your clothes as fast as possible and struggle into PJs without making eye contact. You know if you wait too long, things will get to uncomfortable, you’ll both just turn on the TV and pretend the kiss never happened and fuck, fuck, fuck, you don’t want that. So you don’t let it happen. He’s still removing a sock when you push him onto the bed and, god, he looks so happy when your lips lock. 

He seems fine with you taking the lead, being on top, which is nice, because you like hovering over him like this. Now that your hands aren’t icicles, you plant them on either side of his face. He’s gotten used to touching you and is a little more adventurous, letting his palms trace down your back and grab at your hips. You weren’t expecting him to pull you so close to him, but you don’t mind it. You don’t want your bulge to slip out so you make sure your pelvis isn’t rubbing too hard against his, but he’s got his groin grinding pretty hard into your thigh. 

Fucking shit, he’s hot. 

“Dave, is this really stupid?” You can’t help it, you have to ask. 

“Shut up and tell me I’m pretty.” 

“Mn, mm, you’re, fuck, fuck you, you’re a dork, mmn, but you’re pretty.” 

He’s biting at your neck as you say it, and damn, yeah, okay Dave, you’re right, fuck thinking, let’s just kiss. 

You bring your mouth back to his. It’s different now that they’re warm, now that you have more time to focus on not mashing your teeth together, on sucking his bottom lip into your mouth and flicking it with your tongue. He likes it when you bite him, you figure that out fast. He’s trying hard not to moan and you’ve made it a challenge in your head to get him saying your name by the end of the night. 

You work with the he’s-totally-humping-your-leg angle and press your thigh into him harder. He bucks up into you, breath getting heavier in your mouth. 

“Say my name, Strider,” You try to whisper it seductively, but he catches your competitive tone. 

“Fuck no.” He keeps grinding into you though, and moves his lips down to your neck. He’s sucking and nipping and flicking his tongue in just the right fucking way and you’re about ready to say something sexy until you hear him breathe into your ear, “But you should say my name.” 

It’s an official competition now and you refuse to fucking lose. 

He liked it when you nibbled on his lips, so you figure he might be into a little pain somewhere else. You’re still stuck in this weird hovering above him situation, so there’s room for you to slip your grip from next to his head to his hips. He draws in a sharp breath when you slither your fingers under the waistband of his pants, digging your nails in just a little bit. You let out a warm sigh near his earlobe and ever so gently graze your fangs across his throat. He’s losing it, you can feel it. 

“Fuck, fuck, K- mmm,” He almost says your name, swallows it back down. 

His hands are heavier on your waist now, moving down to your ass. You’re coaxed out of your hovering position and let him move you in to the space between his legs, the bone covering your still-concealed bulge pressing against his human genitals. He buries his face in your neck, grinds into you harder. 

“D- oh, god, fuck,” This is too hot, too hot, holy shit, he’s breathing so hard and his body is against yours and you’re dry humping each other like fucking teenagers and it’s the best you’ve felt in way too long. 

He’s straight up moaning now, which you’re sure you’d be gloating about if your own voice weren’t right there with his. 

“Jesus fucking, god damn it, Karkat fuck, fuck you man, ah ahh,” He’s tensing up against you, legs wrapping around your hips, fingers clawing into your back. You realize he’s orgasming when his mouth gets wide and his voice raises an octave. Man, that’s all it takes for humans? 

You let him settle down, kiss him slow and romantic until his heart stops pounding out of his chest, until your bulge stops threatening to spill out. And then you lay it on him. 

“I fucking won. Just by the way. You’re weak and you cum easy and you said my fucking name.” 

He places his hand directly on your face and pushes you off his body and into the space next to him, “Shut up Karkat.” 

He kisses you again, different this time, just a few light pecks while you both lay on your sides facing each other. You let him envelop you in his arms, just rest your head against his chest and listen to his heartbeat. 

Fuck. You just made out with your best friend. 

And you liked it. 

Did he like it? 

Oh fuck fuck bulge sucking fuck this makes things too complicated, this is exactly why you’d been telling yourself not to think about kissing him. Shit. 

“Dave.” 

“I know dude. Wanna just, talk about it in the morning?” 

“…yeah, okay.” 

Shut up, Karkat. Shut up and enjoy the rest of the night. 

You fall asleep easier than you usually do, and you know it’s because he’s there, holding you. 

You wake up alone in your bed. When the events of the previous evening come back to you, you panic. Dave fucking left? He kissed you and left? But no, no, he’s still here, he’s the thing that woke you up. He’s sitting by your window, strumming his guitar. 

You’ve heard the song before. It isn’t one of his, it’s some popular human composition that lies somewhere in between romance and tragedy. His voice is too high and a little off key- you never knew he couldn’t sing. 

“Your faith was strong but you needed proof, you saw her bathing on the roof. Her beauty in the moonlight overthrew you. And she tied you to her kitchen chair, and she broke your throne and she cut your hair, and from your lips she drew the Hallelujah. Hallelujah, Hallelujah…” 

God, he’s beautiful in the sunlight. It catches his hair just the right way, makes those red eyes glow. His fingers are long and move across the guitar like liquid. He hasn’t noticed you’re awake yet, is entranced by his song. He smiles when he plays a note just right, just the way he meant to. You want to kiss him again, kiss him like you did last night. But you won’t. You won’t ruin this, this song, the way his voice cracks when it goes up to high, the way he stares out the window like he’s looking into this perfect fucking memory. You wonder what’s he’s thinking about. You wish it were you. 

He let’s the music taper off, just guitar strings and a final, whispered, “Hallelujah”. It’s too soon. You wanted him to keep singing, wanted it to go on forever. You could look at that kid for the rest of your life. 

Oh. 

You can’t tell him that. 

“Hey asshole, your voice is off key. Remind me to teach you how to sing sometime,” You call over to him. He looks embarrassed for a minute, throws his shades back on to cover his blush. 

“You’re just jealous you can’t play guitar.” 

It’s quiet. Neither of you knows what to say. Should you talk about it? You’re not going to talk about it. If he wanted to talk about it he’d have said something, and he hasn’t. You’re not going to embarrass yourself talking about something that obviously meant less to him than it did to you. 

“Want to get breakfast?” 

“Word. There’s actually this pretty tight brunch spot in Bronxville, if you want to check it out.” 

“Sure.” 

Just two bros getting brunch together after a night that you will mother fucking not talk about again or think about again. Perfectly normal. Just two completely platonic friends getting brunch. 

Fuck. 

You kissed Dave Strider, and you liked it. 

Fuck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hopefully the kissing makes up for the long wait and the poor quality <3 better things to come when these essays are over. 
> 
> also for new people who haven't seen me say this before check me out at corybanticgloom.tumblr.com heyy hey.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a bummer

It’s been three weeks. Three fucking weeks since you put your lips on your best friend and he didn’t say anything to you the next day, or the day after that, or the day after that, and now three shitty weeks have gone by and you’re both still acting like nothing happened. 

You probably wouldn’t be going through this internal shit storm if it had just been a kiss. Sometimes bros make out, you know that, you’ve been there. Hell, you’ve done the full sex with John before. 

But you, gentleman that you fucking are, couldn’t just kiss him. You macked on that kid for an hour, had him take you back to his room, humped his fucking leg till you came in your goddamn pants and didn’t even return the favor. And really, you could have recovered from that. You’re Dave fucking Strider, you can deal with your shit, you can play off an orgasm as some casual friendship activity, just your run of the mill chum bonding. 

What you can’t get over are the little pecks he gave you before you fell asleep, these completely non-sexual affectionate kisses. What you can’t get over is the way he didn’t roll away from you when he was ready to pass out, he just buried his nose in your chest and smiled against your skin when you wrapped your arms around him. What you can’t get over is waking up to his legs still intertwined with yours, his hand resting on your hip. 

Before you kissed him, before he kissed you back, it wasn’t so bad shoving all those feelings deep into your subconscious. There was no hope, no nothing, just a crush. A painful, agonizing crush, but a crush. But you’ve had a taste of it now, a taste of having him, a taste of him wanting you back. Something changed that morning, watching him sleep in the place he’d been kissing you senseless not hours before, and it’s probably going to kill you. 

You’re not about to let him lose another friend to romance, though. So you sit next to him every day, play your video games, do your homework, watch him smile and laugh and yell. You watch him love you as a friend and hide behind your shades pretending like you don’t- 

No, Strider. Don’t even think that. Fuck. 

“Uh Dave? Are you listening?” Tavros pulls you out of your thoughts. Everyone is looking at you like you’re insane, him and Vriska and, of fucking course, Karkat. 

“What? No man, my bad.” You respond. 

“Tavros and I are going to the city, you want to come? Celebrate our first week back in classes?” Vriska says to you, winking. 

“Uh, no thanks. I think I need to just, chill out this weekend.” You tell them. 

“Dude what’s wrong with you? Are you sick? You’re talking weird. Or is this just a normal human thinkpan malfunction?” Karkat asks you, sarcastic as hell, putting a fucking hand on your forehead for emphasis. 

His skin is so fucking soft and warm and wow, really though, you’re actually going to die from this. It’s almost funny. 

“I uh, I’ve gotta go guys. I’ll talk to you later or something.” You get the fuck out of there. You’re sure Karkat will bitch you out over it later- or, okay, right the fuck now judging by the buzzing of your phone. That’s like six texts in a row, great. You’ll look at that later. 

Nepeta and Equius are in the kitchen when you get back to your dorm. She’s dressed in some weird outfit- you imagine she’s probably going to do some role-play thing. 

“Dave! You don’t look so happy. Weren’t you going out with Tavros?” She asks from Equius’ side. 

“Yeah, he and Vriska are about to head to the city. I just, uh. Feeling kind of weird. Emotion wise. You know how it is. Thought I’d come back here. Keep feeling like this in the comfort of my own home.” You have no idea what the fuck you’re saying to her, or how this mother fucking troll got in your head so bad that you don’t even remember how to have a normal conversation with your roommates. 

“Why don’t you come play some Dungeons and Dragons with me and Sollux and Feferi? It might take your mind off things!” She offers. 

“Uh, wow, really glad to be invited, might have to take you up on that later, I’ve got a great OC who plays a dick horn, I think you guys would love her. Don’t think I’m up for it right now though.” You respond. 

“I’m heading to the gym. I find that exercise can clear the head.” Equius says. You’re almost positive it’s the first thing he’s ever say directly to you, and definitely the first time he’s ever asked you to hang out. 

“Yeah, man, sure. Let’s bro it out at the gym.” You feel like you can’t pass up the opportunity to hang out with this creep, and hey, maybe seeing some other hot dudes working out will take your mind off Karkat. 

Equius is quiet as hell as a workout buddy, which you’re kind of appreciating right now. You run on the track together, spot each other on the weights (holy hell can the troll lift), swap towels. You’re fucking around with the free weights when he gets around to striking up a conversation. 

“You’re brother is Dirk, isn’t he? The small human with the pointy hair?” He asks. 

“Hm? Yeah, Dirk, with the anime swords. What, you’re in his class or something? Man, I apologize for whatever he said to you. He’s kind of self absorbed and also is a condescending asshole on purpose.” He cringes at your language a bit, but lets it slide. 

“He frequents the gym with me. He’s very fast.” 

You swear, you see a faint blush on his face, “Man you got the hots for my brother or something? Dude is newly single. He’s clingy though bro, don’t know if you’d be into it.” 

His blush deepens, “Strider, that is disgusting. I would never consider romantic relations with a human. That would be vile, twisted, wrong.” 

“Sounds like you’d like it bro.” You clap him on the shoulder. He’s- god, he’s sweaty. 

“That’s ridiculous.” He shrugs you off. Then, minutes later, “So which of the human ‘animes’ is his favorite?”

Holy shit, you were so right coming to this workout. You are going to give Dirk so much shit about this. 

“Honestly dude, just run at him with a sword. He likes a good fight.” You advise. 

“I have a habit of breaking weapons.” 

“Then gay wrestle the kid into the ground. He graduates this year, you’d better make a move fast.” You remind him. 

“I said I wasn’t interested in him romantically, Dave, I would never partake in foul sexual activities with someone not even of my own species.” He frowns. Neither of you believe him. 

After a good two hours of hanging out at the gym, followed by a while of messing around in the pool with surprisingly amicable Equius, the two of you hit the showers and head home. Under normal circumstances, leaving your phone in your dorm for four hours wouldn’t have been a federal fucking issue. But nope, you’re friends with Karkat fucking Vantas. You haven’t even opened the sixty-four texts he’s sent you when you hear him pounding on your door. 

“Dude I know I bailed on dinner earlier but you’ve got to chill I was just at the gym.” You tell him as you let him into the house. 

He’s shaken up, more than usual. 

“John and I have been trying to call you for a fucking hour, jack ass. Did you get any of our texts? Did you check your voicemail?” There’s an odd tone in his voice, mixed up in the anger. Sounds a lot like fear. 

“What’s going on Karkat?” You’re honestly not sure you want to know. 

“Fucking, Vriska, like fucking always, she does this all the time Dave. You know she’s half the reason Terezi’s blind? God forbid the nook shit learn from her mistakes, no, no, now she’s gone and fucked with Tavros, and John went ahead to the hospital while I’ve been pissing around like an idiot trying to find your sorry ass-“ 

You cut him off, “The hospital? Is Tavros okay? Holy shit, is he okay?” 

Karkat gets all quiet. It’s never good when he’s quiet. 

“Karkat?” 

“I don’t fucking know, he’s in surgery, we don’t know, fuck, fuck, please can we just get to the hospital.” His hands are shaking, and his eyes are puffy, and, god, this is terrible. 

“Is he, fuck. Were they in Manhattan? I can just pay for a cab, whatever, we’ll get there faster.” You offer. 

“They hadn’t gotten to the city yet. He’s at the hospital in town.” 

You nod. 

“Dave?” His tone matches the sinking feeling in your stomach. 

“Yeah dude, I know.” 

You want to hug him, but you don’t. Instead, you both head off down the hill, silent, terrified. 

The waiting room is a shit show. Everyone isn’t even there yet, it’s just Vriska and John, but god, fuck, they’re screaming at each other. 

“Guys, yo, calm down, John, come here.” You step in between the two, Karkat tugging on Vriska’s shoulder. 

“It’s Tavros, Dave! She fucking can’t do this shit!” John is furious, out of his mind. He looks like he wants to hit her. 

“He did it himself! I wasn’t using any fucking powers on him! You think I wouldn’t own up to that, Egbert?” Vriska yells back. 

“What, he just jumped off the fucking building himself? I don’t believe you, the cops didn’t believe you, and Terezi won’t believe you when she gets here!” He’s literally shaking his fist at her while you try to calm him down. 

“Man, John, this is a hospital. I get it, you’re freaked out, we’re all freaked out, but we’ve gotta just chill out and talk out what happened, okay?” You soothe. 

“What did happen, Vriska?” Karkat growls out. 

“I’ve explained this to eight hundred people already, I’m not doing it again. If none of you boys want to believe me, fine, have it your way, hate me forever, what do I care?” She storms out. 

You’re sure this is probably partially her fault, but you aren’t about to let the chick beat herself up about this before you know what’s going on. 

TG: vris I know johns mad but he’ll calm down  
TG: want me to text you when they tell us whats up with him?  
AG: Sure. Fiiiiiiine.   
TG: you got tz to fly out here?  
AG: She’s almost definitely coming to yell at me.   
AG: You blind a girl and she never really forgives you.   
TG: im gonna need that story later  
AG: Go comfort your crying boyfriends.   
TG: good call

“A’ight, someone needs to tell me what the fuck happened in a calm, collect manner.” You say. 

“She made him jump off a fucking building! She got him stoned as hell, and told him to try jumping the gap in between two fucking buildings, Dave. Do you have any fucking idea how ridiculous that is? That doesn’t happen to real people!” John is up and pacing, and Karkat is kneeling on a chair, and, shit, everyone else is staring at you all. 

“Man, calm down, come sit over here by me and Karkat. What… is he… what do we know about him?” You ask. Karkat is eerily silent. 

“I don’t know, Dave. He’s in surgery. The doctor wasn’t giving us a happy, smiling, reassuring look. He fell off a building.” John hangs his head in his hands. 

“Trolls don’t die as easy as humans. He’ll be fine, he has to be fine, it’s going to be fucking fine, Tavros it totally fucking fine, it’s fine, it’s fine.” Karkat’s saying it more to himself than for you guys, muttering under his breath. 

Everyone stops talking. No one says anything when Nepeta walks in with Vriska an hour later, not even John, or when Feferi and Sollux come in twenty minutes after that. Everyone filters in, Equius and Eridan and even fucking Meenah. No one offers any updates, because there aren’t any. You feel like shit. You mostly zone out and stare at the fish tank, naming the shrimp and the angelfish until you feel like you might go out of your mind. 

You and Equius volunteer to get coffee from across the street for everyone at some point, come back and wordlessly pass out drinks and chips. You sit back down in between John and Karkat, pat them both on the back a bit. It’s taking everything in you not to think about Tavros. You can’t deal with it, not until you know for sure. 

A nurse comes out around two in the morning. 

“He survived the surgery, he’s in recovery. We can’t tell anything else to non-family, but I though you kids needed to know.” 

You’ve never seen Vriska cry before, but there’s blue on her face and then she’s disappeared again. Nepeta is celebrating, too fucking loud, and John is talking into your ear, and Karkat is in the corner on his phone. 

Well, shit. He’s alive. 

“I asked Kanaya to pick Terezi up from the airport. Since she has a car. Her flight doesn’t get here until morning.” Karkat’s hovering by your shoulder. 

“Has someone called his family?” 

“He’s a troll. He doesn’t have family. He just fucking got here from Alternia, alone. Don’t know why your human doctors with your human laws can’t get it through their fucking think pans that we’re all he’s got.” Karkat is seething, and not hiding it very well. 

“Some of us should go home, sleep. They nurses are getting pissed that there are so many of us.” The solid advice comes from Feferi. 

“I’m staying. I’m sure Vriska is too.” Karkat responds instantly. 

“I should get away from her. I’ll go home. Text us as soon as anything happens, Karkat?” John asks. Karkat nods. 

“Want me to stay with you, bro?” You want to stay, for Tavros. For Karkat. 

“Do whatever the shit you want, I’m not your fucking keeper.” That’s Karkat for ‘yes, please’. 

Everyone leaves, and Vriska comes back. She falls asleep between you and Karkat, and you konk out on her shoulder after awhile. You are acutely aware that Karkat is awake, watching you. 

He wakes you and Vriska up in the morning with coffee and giant bags under his eyes. 

“Terezi will be here soon, if you want to prepare yourself for that, Vriska.” He informs her. 

“Don’t need to prepare for anything.” You have to give the girl credit, she’s good at putting up a tough front. You’re almost positive she cares deep down, though. Almost. 

“Anything about Tavros?” You ask. 

“He’s awake. Nurse said he’s talking to doctors or some shit. We can probably see him in a few hours, if he tells them it’s okay. I asked John to grab some of his clothes and husktop and shit, for later.” Karkat tells you. 

Everyone gets there at the same time, minutes before you’re given the okay to head up to Tavros’ hospital room, Terezi and Kanaya included. Your friends have impeccable timing. The nurse asks you all not to go in all at once, but no one fucking listens. 

Even in all the commotion, you don’t miss how shitty Terezi looks, sopor on her shirt, smelling like weed.

Karkat’s frozen in the waiting room when everyone files into the elevator. 

“Hey, man, it’s going to be okay.” You nudge him with your elbow a little, try to cheer him up. 

“Something’s wrong Dave, I can fucking feel it.” He worries. 

“He’s going to be fucked up, he fell of a building. But he’s okay bro, chill out, it’s going to be fine.” You reassure.

“No, no, it’s more than that. I know there’s something wrong. You can see it in the nurses’ eyes.” He looks up at you through gaunt eyes.

“You’re probably his best friend here, dude, you’ve got to get in there.” You tell him. 

“Aradia was his best friend. Where the fuck is she? Abroad? That’s so stupid.” One of his rants is coming on, you can feel it. 

“Dude. Look at me. It’s fine. We’ll go up, stand in the back, it’ll be cool.” 

It’s not cool though, it is not fucking cool. There is not a dry fucking eye in the room when you finally get Karkat upstairs, and Vriska and Terezi are missing, and Tavros is drugged-up cackling about… fuck. About being paralyzed. He doesn’t tell you directly, but you get the picture from his choked laughter and whispered hints from your friends. Shit. Shit. He’s… oh, god, Tavros. 

You don’t know what the fuck to say, or how to talk to him. You adjust your shades obsessively and stand by the door, just watching everyone coo at him and cry and hug him and give each other the look, the pity look, the “I wonder if he’d have been happier dead” look. 

Karkat grabs for your hand. You think it’s an accident at first, but he laces his fingers in yours. He doesn’t squeeze, or look at you, or smile, or speak. He just stands there, holding your hand, silently watching one of your best friends fall the fuck apart in a hospital bed. 

\----------------------------------

You haven’t slept in days, not fucking once since Vriska called you in a blind panic from the ambulance. 

Everyone else might think she’s scum, but you’re having trouble seeing her as a villain after that phone call. She sounded like she wanted to die. 

Vriska never sounds like that. Not after she was nearly expelled for using her powers on teachers in high school, not after telling her stories about killing other troll kids so she’d be able to get off Alternia before them, not after she’d blinded Terezi. Even her year-too-late apology to Pyrope wasn’t riddled with as much fear as she was spitting off in that ambulance. 

Vriska Serket, class A manipulative bitch, was actually afraid she’d killed dweeby little Tavros. 

Tavros, who none of you have pulled a story out of. He’s been asleep, or drugged out of his mind, or a complete disaster crying in his bed. You’re having trouble watching him, because you’re a weak pathetic fucking grub. But you’ve been there. Haven’t gone home. Dave has stayed with you, rapping Tavros into fits of laughter when he’s looking morose as fuck, forcing you both to eat. It’s nice to have his hand to hold, when no one’s watching. 

Vriska hasn’t left, either. She’s pulled herself together, has that stone cold “I did nothing wrong” face plastered on, but she hasn’t left and you know that means something. Terezi has been with her. You can’t look at her. She’s a wreck, she’s high, she looks like she’s ready to off herself. You’re honestly fucking embarrassed to know her. You’re almost happy she’s too out of it to try to talk to you. 

“Hey Karkat? Are you awake? Karkat?” Tavros is calling out to you from his bed. 

“Yeah, what’s up, what do you need?” You swear you’ve never been so nice to someone in your fucking life. 

“I need more morphine Karkat, it fucking hurts, I’m sorry, please get a nurse, please…” He’s been like this since he woke up yesterday. It’s killing you, killing all of you. 

“Yeah man, I’ve got it. Dave. Dave! Wake up, go talk to him until I come back.” You flick your friend on the face to jostle him into consciousness, and he slides his chair over to Tavros and places a comforting hand on the kid’s forehead. 

You pass the nurse in the hallway, already on her way to check up on Tavros. You haven’t been up in awhile, decide to take a lap around the hospital. Maybe you’ll buy Dave some candy from the vending machine. He likes candy. 

You’re mulling over getting him Reeses, which he actually likes, or Swedish Fish, which he likes to make up ridiculous stories with, when you notice Vriska and Terezi around the corner. Yeah, you’re going to fucking eavesdrop. It’s just in your blood. 

“You actually didn’t use your powers, Serket?” Terezi is whispering, accusatory. 

“We both know I’ve fucked up before, okay Terezi? Can you quit it with the fucking guilt trip? You’ve told me yourself going blind was the best thing to happen to you.” Vriska defends herself. 

“Yeah, and Tavros looks fucking thrilled about losing his legs.” Terezi retorts. 

“I told him to, okay? Is that what you want to hear? The story of how much this is my fault? He was bragging about his ancestor being able to fly, and I fucking dared him to jump from the roof of our dorm to the one across from us, and he did it. I didn’t make him, Terezi, he just did what I said. How is that my fault? Who would actually jump off a roof?” Vriska’s voice is lower, more stressed. 

“You know people listen to you. You can pull shit like this, Vriska. We’re too old for these pranks.” Terezi sighs. 

“I get it, I get it, okay? I’m not sorry that he’s stupid, but I get it.” She concedes. 

“You need to get your shit together.” Terezi says it like she means it. 

“I need to get my shit together? Look at you, Pyrope. There’s clown makeup on your neck. When’s the last time you’ve had a shower? When’s the last time you haven’t been high?” Oh, fuck. Vriska’s really doing this now? 

“You’ve been talking to Dave and Karkat, haven’t you?” She’s rolling her burnt out eyes, you can feel it. 

“You think I need to talk to those idiots to see how much of a fucking mess you are? Honestly Terezi, when’s the last time you’ve been sober? You aren’t now. I saw you sneak sopor into the bathroom last night. I almost kill someone and you shoot up instead of yelling at me, or taking revenge? You ripped off my arm when you lost your eyes but now you’re just, what? Giving up? Who are you Terezi?” Vriska sounds disgusted. Absolutely appalled. 

“It seems bad here, but when I’m back home-“ 

“Letting Gamzee Makara beat the shit out of you?”

“It’s a black rom.”

“It’s disgusting. I wouldn’t have asked you to come if I’d known this is what you are now. I have to get back to Tavros, just, fuck off Terezi. I can’t watch you do this to yourself. Get your shit together.” Vriska blazes past you without acknowledging your presence. 

You should probably deal with Terezi, shit. You step out from behind the corner you were creeping behind, and see her fighting back tears. She’s never cried in front of you before, you’re not really sure how to handle this. 

“What, you came to rub it in Karkat? Let’s show Terezi how shitty she is, right?” She’s got her fists curled into balls and you’re a little worried she might actually use them. 

“It kills us seeing you like this Terezi. You’re not just doing this to yourself, you’re doing it to us, too.” You probably should have told her this a long time ago. 

“I know, okay? That just makes it worse!” Now the tears start, and she’s in your arms, and you hate it. 

“You’re getting teal all over my shirt Terezi.” You don’t want Dave to get jealous if he sees it. Which, okay, no, not dealing with that right now, there’s way too much bullshit going on for you to be freaking out about kissing Dave three weeks ago and holding his hand yesterday. 

“I love him, Karkat. I don’t know what to do. I wanted him to get better, but now I’m worse than he is.” Shit, you cannot believe she’s crying like this. 

“I’ve already told you what I think about this relationship, like a thousand fucking times. I don’t know how to get it through your think pan.” You tell you, maybe a tad too gruffly. 

“I don’t want Vriska to see me like this. She’s right, I am an embarrassment.” She chokes out. It only stings a little bit that she cares more about Vriska’s opinion than she does about yours. 

“So get fucking clean.” It’s the only advice you have to offer. 

“Would she take me? To a rehab place?” She pulls back from you, wiping her eyes, trying to collect herself. 

“If she won’t, Dave and I will.” You tell her. 

“It can’t be you, Karkat. I know I… there’s so much shit I put you through. I’m not saying you handled it the best but I’m not going to let you take care of me anymore, it’s over with us Karkat, I shouldn’t even be talking to you like this right now…” She’s worrying about something dumb. 

“Terezi, look me in the eye.” Oh, damn it. 

“Blind jokes at a time like this, candy blood?” At least you’ve got her smiling. 

“Terezi, I don’t love you anymore. I just want you to be okay. As a friend. You want me to take you to rehab right now? I will drag your clown ass to the nearest damn facility I can Google. You want crazy spider bitch to take you instead? Fine, I will talk to her. More interested in a blonde escort with shades? Tough shit, Dave is the worst, I wouldn’t trust him with you, it’s me or Vriska.” You tell her. 

“We’ll figure it out later. Go talk to Tavros, I’m going to clean my face.” She smiles. 

“Don’t forget the face paint on your neck.” 

“Shut up.” 

Terezi never comes back into the room. An hour later, you get a picture text from her. She’s grinning like a stoned idiot in front of a psychiatric facility. 

Her phone goes straight to voicemail. 

You fucking hope she actually went in. You don’t really have time to think about it. 

“Yo Kar, is everything cool? You’ve got some uh, blue on your shirt.” Dave notices Terezi’s tears, of course he does. 

You show him the text she sent you and you see that delicious fucking smirk appear on his face for the first time in days. 

“What?” You ask. 

“Told you so. She’s a sucker for Vriska. I knew she’d clean up her shit the second Vriska set her straight. Man, I love being right.” 

“Wh-whats going on?” Tavros stirs awake. You both hop off your chairs by the window and plant yourselves on either side of him. You aren’t sure where Vriska is- dinner, maybe. 

“No worries Tav-bro, just making small talk. How you feeling? You need anything?” Dave is stupid good at bedside manner. 

“I jumped myself, you guys.” It’s the first time he’s talked about it. You and Dave give each other a look, swallow hard. 

“Don’t fucking worry about that shit right now Tavros, that’s stupid, just shut up and get better bulge brain.” You say through gritted teeth. 

“I don’t want everyone to hate her.” He presses on. 

“Alright dude got it, consider me and Karkat official ambassadors to Vriska Serket.” Dave smiles like he means it. 

“Guys?” Tavros whimpers, that’s the only word for what he does. 

“Yeah?” You chorus. 

“I can’t move my legs.” He’s in tears, face brown and wrinkled up. You have no fucking idea how to fix this. 

“I want my lusus to be here. Why isn’t he fucking here? I shouldn’t have come to Earth, this was stupid, fucking stupid.” Tavros has himself buried in Dave’s chest, who’s just looking up at you through his shades like he might break. 

You never thought you’d say this, but the idea of a human parent seems really fucking desirable right now. You don’t know how to fix this, or what he’ll do when you all have to go to classes, or where he’ll live, or who will take care of him while he recovers. You don’t know how to come up with the money to pay for all his medical shit, you literally have no fucking idea what to do. 

Nepeta and Equius stop by towards the end of visiting hours. The staff have been very accommodating, letting some of you stay with Tavros every night. He insists he’s fine with Nepeta, tells you and Dave and Vriska that you have to go home. He mumbles something about you smelling bad, but his heart isn’t in it. 

You and Dave tell Vriska you want to stop for Chinese before going back to campus. You haven’t had a real meal in days. Vriska declines, heads back up the hill towards campus ahead of you. Dave pauses before you walk across the street to buy food and leans up against the side of the hospital running his hands through his hair. 

“Man, I’m about to do something, and you need to not tell anyone about it okay?” He stares you down. 

“Quit the cryptic mystery act, you lame lanky nerd.” You roll your eyes at him. He just keeps looking at you through his shades. “Okay, fine, fuck, just hurry up.” 

He reaches into his pocket, pulls out a pack of cigarettes, and sticks one between his lips. 

“Oh fuck no, this is disgusting Strider, you smoke?” You wonder how long he’s been hiding this shit from you. 

“Correction, I did smoke. This is a special fucking occasion. Doesn’t count.” He points at you with his cigarette and it makes you sick to your stomach how attractive he looks like that, blowing smoke out of his mouth. 

“I’m not going to let you smoke, you realize that, right? Or did you honestly believe I was going to let you stand outside a hospital where our friend almost died, sucking your life away? You goddamn dimwitted douche slug, do you even think about the shit you’re doing before you do it or are you just pissing out commands from your infant brain?” You might be letting all your emotions from the past few days come out at Dave right now. Fucking, whatever. 

He drops his cigarette on the ground, not even halfway done with it. 

“This fucking sucks, it sucks Dave, this is the most miserable ass bullshit that’s ever fucking happened, he’s paralyzed Dave, how the fuck are we supposed to handle this?” You dig your nails into your palms. 

He puts a hand on your shoulder, other arm trying desperately to wipe away tears from under his glasses. 

“I don’t know Karkat, shit’s wrecked, wrecked like a fucking ship on a beach, wrecked like the titanic or something man, this is out of control.” 

You both just stand there, pretending like you aren’t crying. 

You decide to do something to make you both a little less miserable. 

It’s happening very deliberately, your hand on his neck, pulling yourself up to reach his face. He get’s what you’re doing and leans his head in towards you, an arm wrapping around your waist. 

It’s different than the kiss you had a few weeks ago. You meant for this one to happen, did it on purpose, and it’s slow and sad and deep. It’s not a hot, passionate kiss, there’s no lust behind it, it’s all tender and caring and it ends with you pressing your foreheads together and Dave cracking some stupid joke. 

“So, dude, are we kissing on the regular now, or what? Should I pencil you into my schedule?” He asks you. You read it as him being an asshole. 

“Fuck off before I cull you.” 

You let him take your hand on your walk into town.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> y'all won't have to wait so long for the next chapter, summer is here!! say fun things to me if you want, i have so much free time! and follow me at corybanticgloom.tumblr.com ^.^


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a wee bit short but I wanted to get one out in honor of one hundred (and one!) kudos! y'all are fantastic, thank you so much for reading, i cannot express how much i appreciate the continued support <3

Tavros has been in the hospital for a week now. You’ve ditched most of your classes to be there with him. You all have. 

John still refuses to be in the same room as Vriska, which is honestly starting to piss you off. Yeah she goaded Tavros into smoking and told him to jump across a gap between two buildings, but you honestly don’t think she meant for him to actually do it. She thought he’d chicken out, and she could make fun of him for being a pansy. 

Okay, so you’re not saying she’s the best person in the world, but the chick didn’t get Tavros paralyzed on purpose. John has to calm down, it’s not about him right now, it’s not about Vriska, it’s about this adorable little troll dude who’s devastated that he can’t walk anymore. 

Vriska is being an adult about it, shockingly. She’s giving John space, letting him sit in the hospital room without hanging around and bugging him. 

There’s a social worker here right now, talking about shit that you’re pretty sure none of you are capable of handling. You’re trying to get Tavros through it though, you and Karkat and John. 

“So uh, I’ll be discharged in a few days? What does that mean? What do I do?” Tavros is asking the woman. 

“We’re going to send someone over for a psychiatric evaluation first. Depending how that goes, you’ll either be spending some time in the psychiatric facility here for further treatment, or you’ll be released to your caregivers.” She smiles too big, too content to be talking to a boy who just lost the ability to walk. 

“He doesn’t have caregivers, shit stain. Seriously, do you people even bother learning about trolls or do you just come here expecting us to have traditional fucking human families?” Karkat has been furious about the way the hospital has talked to Tavros since day one. You can’t say you blame him, his critiques are on fucking point. You just… never thought about this shit before. How hard it is for the troll refugees to fit into human culture. 

“Oh… Well, there are other options, if you don’t have someone to care for you and drive you to rehab for the first few months. I can help you get in contact with a live-in rehabilitation facility.” The woman explains. 

“So, what, he just stays in like, a nursing home alone for a few months? He can’t go to school?” John asks. 

“I’m not going back to school.” Tavros sighs. None of you object, not to his face, not yet. 

“How close are these places? We need to be able to get to him easily.” Karkat tells the woman. He is so on top of this shit, you’re honestly impressed. 

“There are definitely some in Westchester County, and some more expensive facilities in the city.” She explains. 

“I don’t have money for that. I don’t have money for these medical bills. What the fuck am I supposed to do? I can’t get a job, I can’t go back to school, I can’t afford rehab…” Tavros is starting to hyperventilate. Shit, money. You weren’t thinking about the money. You… guess you never really have to think about money, with your inheritance. Shit. 

“I’ll cover it Tavros.” You say it before you’ve really thought it through, but you can, probably. 

“Uh, excuse me?” He’s looking at you like you’re insane. Everyone is. 

“Okay, I mean, I don’t know how this shit works, or like how much it’s going to cost, but I’m kind of loaded dude, a regular Bill Gates. I get the first quarter of my inheritance when I turn twenty-one next year yo, why not use it on something that actually matters, right?” You laugh. 

“You can’t fucking pay for my mistakes, Dave.” It’s weird, you’ve never seen Tavros talk as confidently as he has been this week. It kills you that it took him breaking to get him to say what he really means. It’s like he doesn’t have the heart to be unsure of himself anymore. 

“You think I’m just going to fuckin dump you on the street man? You think Karkat is gonna let me get away with that shit?” You point at the grumpy kid for emphasis. 

“Let Dave pay, I’ve seen his house, he really is filthy rich.” Karkat agrees with you. 

“Our primary concern is getting you the care you need, I can be in contact with you throughout this whole process figuring out a payment plan for you.” The social worker sends him that sickening smile again. 

“When does this all go down? What do we have to do?” Karkat asks, trying to get to the point. 

“Do you have insurance?” She raises an eyebrow at Tavros. 

“Uh, no, I don’t.” He sighs. 

“Once again lady, how the shit is a troll kid straight from Alternia supposed to figure that shit out? It’s not like you people are helping us when we get here.” Karkat raises his voice. 

“Well, okay, I’m going to work on setting you up with some state insurance. It might be a bit hard with your pre-existing condition, but there are plans you would be eligible for. I’ll take care of as much as I can, just worry about the psych evaluation for right now. I’ll find you a provider and some rehab centers that take their insurance plan.” You’re pretty sure she’s offering to do more than she’s legally required to, and have a feeling Karkat’s guilt tripping has a lot to do with it. 

“What’s the big deal with psych?” God damn it, John. 

“I uh, jumped off a building. They’re worried I might do it again. On purpose. As if I could get up there even if, uh, even if I wanted to.” Tavros shakes his head. 

“Paralysis can be a very stressful-“

“No, really?” Tavros, with the snark. Holy fuck. You hardly recognize the kid like this. 

“This has been a lot for one day. I’ll go get started on some of the things we’ve talked about, and come back to you with more answers tomorrow afternoon.” She leaves, polite as possible. 

You know none of this is her fault, she doesn’t want shit to be expensive or confusing, she wants to help, but fuck, you hate her. You hate her for being Tavros’ personal introduction to capitalism and human law. 

“So this is where you guys grill me about my plans, right?” Tavros sounds so fucking defeated. 

“Dave and I were actually talking. We were thinking about getting an apartment in the building right off campus. 1160 Midland. It’s got an elevator, and he and I can drive one of our families’ cars back this summer to help with transportation…” John starts explaining your wild and crazy plan. 

“Uh, are you asking me to live with you?” Tavros asks. 

“Yeah man, that way, no problem if you don’t want to do school yet. We can start a lease this spring, you’ll get out of rehab, we’ll move in. You can have people looking out for you without the pressure of having to go back to school right away.” You keep the description uncharacteristically short, trying not to overwhelm him. 

“You’re doing too much, Dave. This is stupid.” Tavros tells you. 

“No no, Dave and I were talking about moving off campus anyway! No more security to deal with, we can burn candles without getting a fine! Plus living in the dorms is so expensive, this is actually cheaper!” John smiles. 

“And if you can’t cover the rent for awhile, no problem bro, we got it. Seriously, I’m loaded, and John’s family ain’t doing to bad either.” You reassure him. 

“I, uh, I want to say no guys. I don’t want this to be on you. But it’s kind of my only, uh, option.” He confesses. 

“I am committed to making you never regret this decision, ever.” You promise him. 

A nurse knocks on the door, “Time for physical therapy!” 

Tavros just groans at him as he comes in with a wheelchair. The man goes to help Tavros out of bed, but Karkat steps in between them. 

“I’ll fucking do it, give the kid some dignity Jesus Christ.” 

Tavros doesn’t say anything as Karkat lifts him up by the armpits and places him in the wheelchair. He also doesn’t try to help. It’s hella disheartening. 

“Do you guys mind going back to campus? I haven’t been alone in six days, I could use some time to myself. Just leave, uh, my laptop on the bed, I guess.” He asks. 

Karkat looks like he’s going to protest, but you silence him with an unseen brush of your fingertips to the back of his neck. 

You’re getting goddamn sick of walking up and down the hill that leads from campus to the hospital. Lucky for you, Karkat knows how to fill up empty time. 

“John, if you could kindly not flip your grub shit when I mention Vriska’s name in this story, that’d be great,” He starts. John just shoots him a dirty look, “Good, quiet, just like you should be. So, Vriska got a call from Terezi’s therapist. She’s apparently listed as Terezi’s emergency contact, brilliant fucking idea that was, Pyrope. But she actually fucking went to rehab.” 

“Hot damn, girl is making progress. Is she still in that not allowed to phone out phase?” You ask. 

“Uh, yeah. How the shit do you know about that?” Karkat asks. 

John answers for you, “Roxy.” 

“Oh, fuck. Right. Vriska says she isn’t sure how long Terezi will be on that. Depends how well she’s doing. We’re probably not going to hear from her for awhile.” Karkat says. 

“More fucking importantly, neither is the clown trash.” You point out. 

“Vriska always told me she was annoyed that you weren’t helping him more, you know.” John says to Karkat. No, John, no, shut up, don’t start an argument. 

“Fucking excuse me? Come again?” Yup, Karkat’s gonna fly off the handle. 

“No, I’m not saying I agree with her Karkat! I just, that’s what she always said.” John adds in quickly. 

“And why, pray tell, does Vriska think I owe that sack of bugles anything?” Karkat sneers. 

“Well, I don’t know! She said something about him really taking care of you in high school? I’m not an expert in what Vriska thinks though, I guess I shouldn’t have brought it up.” John retracts. 

“Oh fuck so what, a troll saves you from jumping off a building one fucking time and you’re supposed to take care of him for the rest of your life? Even when he’s treating you like crushed garbage and hitting your best friend? Yeah, fuck that Vriska.” He keeps grumbling under his breath, but y’all can’t quite make out what he’s saying. 

John’s walking in front of you and Karkat, looking at the sidewalk ahead of him. You take the opportunity to slide a secret arm around Karkat’s shoulders, trying to calm him down. He bares his teeth at you, still riled up as fuck, but puts them away when you plant a kiss on his forehead. He gets all cute and taken aback and shy and, goddamn it, that shit is giving you butterflies man. 

You take your arm off him fast, just in case John turns around. He brushes your hand with his definitely-not-accidentally three times over the course of your walk, though. Every time he does it, your heart drops straight into your stomach. When you reach Karkat’s dorm, John faces the two of you. 

“Okay, well, see you tomorrow Karkat! Let’s go make some dinner, Dave!” He’s smiling and, oh, fuck, you were really planning on going back to Karkat’s room, but you can’t exactly do that now. 

Karkat’s disappointed too, you see it in his overextended eye contact with your shades. He’s not about to give John any ideas either, though, “Finally, the first time in a week I don’t have to stare at your ugly monkey faces.” 

It’s stupid that you literally miss him when he walks away. 

Dirk is in your room when you get back. You vaguely wonder how much of your shit he’s gone through while you’ve been out. 

“What’s good, bro?” You ask him. 

“Our sisters aren’t feeling so swell that you neglected to tell them about your friend’s accident.” He tells you, flipping around your laptop (how the shit did he guess the password? You know what, you don’t want to know) to reveal a waving Roxy and arms-crossed Rose. 

“I’ve been a little busy.” You tell them. You’re actually pretty fucking exhausted. Have you even slept in your own bed this week? Fuck. 

“Daave we’re just worried about you come on tell us what’s up, is he okay, are you okay?” Roxy worries. 

“Well, okay, if we’re starting this whole conversation, I guess I better tell you that I offered to pay off his medical bills once I get the first part of my inheritance next year.” You tell them. Roxy laughs. 

“God damn it, Dave.” Rose rolls her eyes. 

“Aw come on, we’ve got plenty of money!” You reassure them. 

“He ain’t wrong.” Dirk says from next to you. You’re honestly surprised he’s backing you up here, he’s usually the first to poke fun at your rash decisions. 

“It’s a nice gesture, Dave. We’re behind you just, please don’t expect to start spending our money when you spend your full inheritance on trolls.” Rose smirks. 

“Hey, you know, we’re stupid rich, and these trolls have nothing. I’d think you’d be-“ 

“Dave, I’m kidding, lighten up.” She laughs. Ha, oh. Okay. 

John busts into your room, because apparently your lock means nothing to these people. 

“I thought I heard Roxy! Hey guys! Family reunion!” He cheers, jumping on the bed next to you and your brother. 

You take the distraction to send Karkat a quick text. 

TG: hey man sorry john pulled me away I was all looking forward to movies and shit tonight  
CG: IT’S BEEN HALF AN HOUR, DAVE, YOU MISS ME ALREADY? PATHETIC.   
TG: aw don’t be like that dude  
TG: we both know you’re missing your strider fix  
TG: just want me running through your veins  
CG: WHATEVER  
TG: holy shit did you just agree with me  
CG: SUCK A BULGE  
CG: I’LL SEE YOU TOMORROW  
TG: or I could sneak over tonight  
CG: IF YOU HONESTLY CAN’T STAND TO SLEEP ALONE FOR ONE ENTIRE NIGHT, I GUESS I COULD BE AMENABLE TO THAT  
TG: stop begging kk damn  
CG: I TAKE IT BACK  
CG: DON’T COME  
CG: I HATE YOU  
TG: see you tonight bro

You don’t know how the fuck you managed to make this happen, but crab dude is totally flirting with you. Hot damn. 

\---------------------------------

You are almost positive there’s a reason you signed up for this class. You can’t even remember the name of it- you know the name of every goddamn medication Tavros is on, but not the name of your class. You wouldn’t even be here today if the professor hadn’t sent you an email threatening to dock credit if you missed any more lessons. So much for fucking sympathy. 

On the bright side, it’s a lecture, and the professor allows computers. You’re sure everyone sitting behind you is judging you for your complete lack of note taking, but this fucking class is forcing you to miss Tavros’ release from the hospital and drive to the rehab center a few towns over. If you can’t be there in person, you sure as shit are going to use Trollian to keep tabs on the situation. 

CG: HAVE YOU MET THE STAFF YET  
CG: DID YOU INFORM THEM THAT WE WILL BE KEEPING TABS ON THEIR BEHAVIOR  
CG: AND THAT I WILL PERSONALLY DRAG THEIR RACIST HUMAN WASTE CHUTES TO COURT IF THEY ACT IN ANY FUCKING WAY CULTURALLY INSENSITIVE TO TAVROS  
TG: bro chill  
TG: they’re actually hella nice  
CG: YOU’RE A POOR JUDGE OF CHARACTER  
TG: true I am friends with you  
CG: WHAT DOES VRISKA SAY ABOUT THEM  
TG: she’s giving them the shake down right now  
TG: scaring them straight   
TG: you’re gonna visit him like tomorrow karkat   
TG: it’s gonna be fine  
CG: I HAVE ANOTHER FUCKING CLASS AFTER THIS  
CG: WHEN WILL YOU BE BACK  
CG: I WANT MORE DETAILS  
TG: I’ve got class as soon as we drive back but Vriska is free  
TG: she wants you to meet her at the pub for dinner  
TG: I’ll see you after or something  
TG: I’ve gotta go pay attention to what they’re saying now dude  
TG: fucking listen to your professor you’re usually so on top of your academics don’t slack now bro  
CG: AJLASKAK;K;KJSOISALDKJF

You do your best to stop worrying about having left Tavros in the care of Dave and Vriska, and focus on class. Or at least focus on looking like you’re focusing. Fuck. You’re almost positive you scare the shit out of everyone in your second class, a grimace on your face that makes you look like you’re ready to kill. You probably look insane when you literally take off running the second the professor dismisses you, but fuck everyone’s judgments, you need to talk to Vriska and make sure everything went smoothly. 

It takes you forever to get to the Pub, and Vriska is waiting for you inside already. She has her bags sprawled across the biggest table in the place, getting a few dirty looks from larger groups who clearly want to sit there. 

“So tell me about Tavros.” You want to get right to the point. You’re still pissed at her after what John told you. She seriously thinks Gamzee is your responsibility? 

“He’s fine. We need to talk, candy blood.” She says. 

“Can we calm the fuck down with the blood talk? Jesus fucking Christ Vriska.” You know it doesn’t really matter on Earth, but it’s not easy just getting over the fear of being culled for half your life. 

She groans at you and rolls her eyes, “Listen punk, we’ve got problems. I get why you didn’t hang around Gamzee when he started going downhill. I think it was a shitty move as his moirail. Pale before pails, Karkat. But fine, you’re a pansy, you couldn’t deal with it. It isn’t just Gamzee though, Karkat. You’re being a huge dick to all of us.” 

“Where the fuck do you get off telling me I’m being an asshole? Who even is ‘all of us’?” You didn’t come here to get bitched out. 

“Dave has stuck up for me more than you have, you know.” She says flatly. 

“It’s not exactly like you’re guilt free. Just because you didn’t use your powers doesn’t mean you didn’t fucking convince him to jump headfirst off a fucking building.” You tell her. 

“This started way before now, Karkat. Back on the train? You just ditched me. And now you stand by and let John talk straight shit about me, about my ‘crazy alien powers’. It’s not just me, Karkat. I can take care of myself, I don’t care what you think about me. But you think Tavros likes the way you side with the humans? You think Sollux is cool with it?” She asks. 

“I’ve never said anything to either of them about using their powers.” You retort. 

“Yeah, because they don’t use them around you. Guess why?” She’s all up in your face, and you want to fight, but she’s making you feel like shit. 

“They use them around you?” 

“Yeah Karkat. All the time. You’ve been acting all ‘ambassador of troll culture’ with Tavros these past few weeks, but you have no idea half the shit some of us go through.” That one stings the most. 

“Fine. I get it.” You acknowledge her point. 

“Wait, really? I was expecting more of a fight here, Vantas.” She laughs. 

“Sometimes you’re right about stuff. Don’t get fucking used to it.” You say through your teeth. 

You leave her there soon after. You need some time to think about what she’s said. More importantly, you want to talk at Dave about it. You know he’s getting out of class in half an hour, so you wander down to the building he’s in and wait. He’s talking to some random classmates when he gets out, but waves goodbye to them when he spots you. 

“Hey bro, thought you were eating with Vriska tonight.” He says, ruffling your hair. 

You brush his hand away, grimacing, “Yeah, well, apparently I’m an insensitive asshole who can’t see past his own problems enough to know when all of his friends fucking hate him, so instead I’m here whining to some human.” 

“This seems like a conversation we should have in the privacy of your bedroom.” He points out. 

“What, am I too upset for you? Am I embarrassing you?” You’re embarrassing yourself, that’s for sure. You’re terrible at volume control. 

“Come on, your dorm is literally right upstairs, let’s chill out buddy.” He directs you inside. Once you’re both shoe-less and sprawled out on the bed, he asks for you to continue. 

“Vriska thinks I’ve been being insensitive to trolls with psychic abilities. And I kind of fucking agree with her.” You explain. 

“Oh. Well, fuck. Are you? How? I mean, I guess you kind of take John’s side a lot. That night you came back with us and shit, after the whole train thing. Man, that means I’m being insensitive too, huh?” He muses. 

“You’re a human. We expect you to fuck up pretty much constantly.” You say, honestly. 

“Wow, thanks.” 

“No, shut up, you have no idea what it’s like, how fucking terrifying it was for all of us trying to get off Alternia. And then we get here and half of us have to deal with the same oppression of their powers that they had back there? Fuck that. I should care about that more, I should think about that more.” Really, you should. You’re furious with yourself. 

“I guess that makes sense, man. You talk to me about other really important shit all the time though. The housing facilities y’all are forced into, the weird pseudo-human family systems. You can’t bring your lusii here, you can’t cross boarders without a hell of a lot of effort, laws don’t take your refugee status into consideration at fucking all. I mean I’m not saying you shouldn’t think about this too, I’m just saying you have a lot of good ideas, bro.” He’s reassuring, he really is. 

You let your hand clasp with Dave’s before you continue, thinking through your response while you play with the squishy bits in between his fingers. It doesn’t escape you how red his face gets, the way his lips twitch ever so slightly into a smile. 

“I feel like I should be doing something about this, Dave. But all my human politics classes are teaching me is that, as a troll, I will never gain the political power to actually be able to fix anything.” It makes you miserable. You shift closer to him, pressing your forehead into his arm. 

“You’re good at like, other shit Karkat. You know that, right? You could be like, the voice of your generation. Get your writing on. Be a revolutionary novelist or some shit. No one’s writing about trolls, not like you talk about them. If there’s one goddamn thing you’re good at it’s making people listen to you, bro.” He tells you, lightly tracing your palm with his thumb. 

“I think you’re too confident in my abilities.” 

You weren’t expecting him to kiss you. You don’t kiss everyday. You don’t kiss most days. It’s mostly just been like this, laying in bed together, holding hands, falling asleep with your head on his shoulder. 

But today, he kisses you. 

He lets go of your hand, moves his own to your cheek and guides you onto your back. It’s just his torso hovering over you, lips pressing so very gently against yours. It’s the first time he’s tried putting his tongue in your mouth, lightly licking at your lip. You both choke back laughter when your tongues actually meet. Yours is longer, pointer. You can practically wrap it around the floppy pink muscle in his mouth which, actually, is pretty fun. He tastes like coffee. No surprise there, he drinks it all day. 

He struggles a little bit climbing further on top of you and you end up biting him laughing into his mouth. 

“This is why I’m usually on top, jackass.” You snort at him. 

“Shut up bro, I’ve got this.” 

He kisses you again, once successfully planted on top of you. He’s obsessed with your jawline, you swear. Every time you kiss, he’s got his hands all over it, fingers curling behind your ears. He pulls you closer to him, so close you can feel your eyelashes brush against his. Your noses knock together, and he jumps a little bit when you dig your claws into his sides just a little too hard. 

He slows shit down again, moves things from making out back into to some casual kissing. It gives you time to listen to his breathing, feel his heartbeat. It’s so much slower than yours- you guess troll heart rate must be accelerated. It freaks you out a little bit, every time the veins in his neck don’t pulse with yours. Which is totally completely not a weird thing for just bros to think about and- 

Oh, fuck it, you like him more than just bros. You can admit it. 

To yourself. 

When the kissing stops, you find yourself surprisingly comfortable with his head resting on your chest. You used to get claustrophobic as fuck when Terezi would try to sleep completely on top of you. It’s not so bad with Dave. She kicked a lot in her sleep though, and you’re much less afraid to toss Dave to his own side of the goddamn bed if he starts annoying you. 

“I was being serious before though, Karks. You should write a book about this shit, you’re such a good writer and there’s nothing out there about this, most humans are totally oblivious to how shitty trolls are treated and I just think you’d be good at it dude.” He says into the silence. 

“A book on what? Making out? Yeah, humans really don’t know how bad they are at that.” You joke. 

“You know what I mean, douchebag. But let’s go ahead and prove a fucking point here. Let’s assume you really weren’t impressed by that performance, let’s kick this shit up a notch.” 

You only pretend to protest as he kisses you into the mattress.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm also gonna be honest with you guys, when i started this i was expecting it to run for maybe 20 chapters, but i have now gotten very invested in this AU and we're looking at something closer to 30-40 whoops. sorry to rope y'all into that. on the bright side, we're about to see so many years of davekat. so. many. years. 
> 
> i actually just plotted out most of the rest of the story, and i think it's gonna be a good time, but i am going to warn you that there's a whole lot of tragedy to come so just, brace yourselves i guess oops.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> drugs happen, smut happens, more smut happens, major tw for all those things

It’s been a hard semester. Hard like Will Smith finding the cure to the mother fucking zombie disease and trying to make it out of the city alive after his watching his dog turn evil in I Am Legend. That metaphor might not hold up. You didn’t actually catch the end of the movie, with your lips planted on Karkat and everything.

Point is, you’re fucking beat. Your classes are a nightmare that you may or may not be passing, you’re all kinds of covering for Kanaya now that she’s using half her salary flying back and forth to see Rose, Terezi conference calls you and Karkat and Vriska every day between four and seven, you’re constantly on the train to go to Tavros’ rehab facility, and you’re pretty much going out of your mind trying to figure out a cool and casual way to key Karkat in on the fact that you want to take this relationship up a notch. Not, like, sexually. Well, yeah, sexually. But romantically. Commitment wise. You want to serious this shit up. He probably just likes making out with you though, definitely isn’t about to ditch his quadrants and start announcing to the world that he’s your boyfriend or anything. So you’re keeping a lid on these feelings, riding the hookups out until he finds someone he actually likes and you can deal with the heart crushing later. 

It’s safe to say you need a goddamn break. 

Thank tits for the drunken shit show that masquerades itself as spring formal. 

You know you should probably be waiting for Karkat to start the pre-gaming, but he’s still off campus visiting Tavros, and Nepeta and Feferi are so excited and adorable in their little dresses, and they drag you into Nepeta’s room and who are you kidding, you went down there of your own free will because you need some fucking booze. 

They don’t have booze, though. They have something a hell of a lot more enticing and, shit, Karkat is going to be mad at you for trying this without him, but he can have some later, and you want to have fun, and he’s not even your boyfriend you can do whatever the fuck you want. 

“Earth to Dave. You’ve been staring out the window for ten minutes. You don’t have to roll with us, if you don’t want to, no pressure. You just seem stressed, we thought you might want to unwind.” Feferi says from next to you. 

“Oh no, I’m all over this, chick. So ready. Ready like a fucking bull in a ring.” You smile. 

“We’ve never done this before, either, don’t worry. I’m a little nervous too!” Nepeta says, totally for your sake. Are you really coming across as this pathetic right now? 

“Alright ladies, how does this mdma shit work?” You’re all just staring at this little baggie of drugs, waiting for the party to start. 

“Hm, well, we’ve done a lot of research, and maybe this is gross for you and you can just snort it or whatever, but seems to us like all the cool kids just lick it.” Nepeta smiles. Gross. 

“Isn’t that bitter as fuck?” You ask. 

“Our taste buds are a little different. It’s supposed to be like candy to trolls.” Feferi explains. 

You’re not about to let these girls do something more cool than you, “Yeah that’s cool I’ll just do the same. How much? I’ll measure it out.” 

“125mg to start, then if we want more later we’ll bring bumps to the dance with us.” Nepeta says. They’ve obviously researched the hell out of this. 

If you’re being honest, you’re a little wigged out. It’s not like you’ve never done drugs before. You and John tried coke back in high school, which made him ten times more annoying and you way too ready to start a fight. You’ve seen kids on molly around campus parties, eyes all dilated. You’ve heard about the shit come down and suicide Tuesdays and all that garbage. You’re not looking forward to all that, but feeling high right now? Yeah. Worth it. 

Feferi’s finger shakes as she licks it, getting it all spitty so the drugs will stick, and presses it to the little brown pile of crystals you’ve laid out for her. She swallows it in one go. 

“Oh. Actually tastes pretty good. Do it, Nep, you’ll like it.” She encourages. 

Nepeta laps hers off the table like a cat, smiling. 

It’s not as tasty for you, leaves a weird feeling in your mouth when it’s gone. You wouldn’t say it’s bad though. You’d taste it again. 

“How long till we feel it?” You ask. 

“Internet said maybe ten minutes for a powder, but we had lots of crystals. It’ll be more like thirty minutes. Let’s not drink tonight, yeah?” Nepeta gets up and turns some music on. She’s into more indie shit than you are, but it’s not bad. 

You lay back and wait to start feeling different, making light conversation with your roommates. 

“But yeah anyway all I’m saying is I’m so glad Eridan and I broke up, he’s totally not good for me, it just felt like I had to date him, you know guys? And there’s so many other people on this campus, I’ve got to explore my glubbing options! I didn’t leave Alternia just to fall right into the same old royal pattern and- oh, I’m talking a lot, huh? Am I high? Stop laughing Nep, you’re high too!” Feferi is going on and on, and she’s smiling more than usual, and Nepeta is bouncing up and down in her chair with a shit eating grin on her face. 

You didn’t notice it till she mentioned it but then, bam, a bubble of fucking happy gurgled up through your throat and into your brain. Happy isn’t the right word. You don’t know the right word. It’s funny, because you feel almost more acutely aware of all the shitty things you’ve been dealing with, and how exactly you feel about each and every one of them. And you want to talk about it. Flesh it out. You don’t, though, because you’re terrified it’d turn into a love confession and you aren’t about to say that shit about Karkat to Nepeta and Feferi before you even tell him. You just smile, suggest walking over to the dance. You text him on your way over. You miss him. You want him to be here. 

TG: man ive got a surprise for you dude  
TG: like a totally sweet party crazy fun time to do thing  
TG: uh  
TG: or something that makes sense  
TG: where are you  
TG: karkat what the fuck you said you’d be back by now  
TG: nah no it’s cool its straight im gonna come drag you out of your dorm I will see you so soon crab dude 

You sound like a tool and you know it. 

“Hey ladies mind if I run on over to Karkat’s and give him his dose? Go dance on the right side of the dance floor, we will be there in ten fucking seconds, I will run so fast.” You tell them. Feferi makes you drink some OJ first- something about hydration and electrolytes- and then you’re off running towards his dorm. 

Running feels nice, like it’s the thing to do. You bet dancing is gonna feel even better. You just want to be movin, movin, movin.

You spot Karkat outside with Eridan, sweet, you don’t have to look hard, they seem like they’re already on their way over. Eridan is- oh, no. No. No, no, no. Eridan just grabbed Karkat by the shoulders and kissed him, kissed him on the fucking face. You wait for it to be over, for Karkat to take a step back, before you bolt. 

You don’t get far, just the other side of the building. You’re pacing, trying not to panic. It’s apparently real fucking easy to panic on molly. Your heart is already beating fast, there’s drug sweat pouring out of you, and Karkat kissed someone else. 

Your phone is buzzing. 

CG: FUCK JUST SAW THESE  
CG: I NEED TO SEE YOU  
CG: WHERE ARE YOU

Oh, god, you feel like everything is kind of crumbling, but you still can’t stop smiling, and thank shit no one is walking by you because you probably look out of your mind. You definitely feel out of your mind.

CG: I CAN SEE THAT YOU READ MY MESSAGES ASS HAT  
CG: DAVE  
CG: DAVE  
CG: DAVE  
CG: YOU KNOW HOW LONG THIS CAN GO ON FUCKING ANSWER ME

You give in, you have to, you literally don’t know what else to do right now. Go back to your dorm and panic alone? Nope. Gotta text him, it’s the only way. 

TG: around westlands left side just chilling hanging out real cool extra breezy 

He begins typing, realizes how close you are, and opts to just appear around the corner fifteen seconds later. 

“I fucking have some shit to say to you so you need to shut your pink little mouth-“ 

“No it’s all good Karks, I saw Eridan macking on you, it’s breezy, cool, fine, perfect, I saw it so you know, you’ve got it hard for fish bro, I get it, not a problem, just want you to be happy man if you can’t kiss me anymore it’s you know, it’s just, you’re kissing him now got it.” You are literally losing your shit and it is embarrassing. 

He looks at you like he’s going to yell, of course that’s his first instinct. Then he takes a step back. Sees the way your pacing, studies the way your fingers dig in and out of your palms, checks out the clenching of your jaw which, ow, stop that, it hurts. 

“You’re on something.” Is all he says. 

“I have some for you. Thought two best bros would have a good time rolling together.” You offer. He rolls his eyes. 

“No wonder you’re flipping your shit, holy god. I am going to try to be so nice about this Dave. Fucking appreciate the lack of harsh in my words right now. I came here to tell you Eridan kissed me.” He begins, pausing for breath, for non-shouty words. 

“Nah, I said we’re good with that, ha. Ha ha.” You’re not pulling off cool. Not at all. 

“Let’s just pretend you aren’t attempting this drugged out façade right now. I didn’t come here to ask you to be okay with it. I feel guilty, shit bag. I didn’t want him to kiss me. I told him to never kiss me again.” He starts cracking up when you smile. 

“Oh, fuck, that’s cool too.” Don’t hug him, don’t hug him, don’t hug him. 

“I thought it might be, fuck. Can we just, give me the drugs? If you’re going to be high for this conversation, I am too.” 

You hand him the little baggy measured out specifically for his dose, and he just sticks his flexible grey tongue inside and licks it all up. 

“Let’s sit down? Wait for this to hit me?” 

He’s only coming up a half hour behind you, both of you arm to arm leaning up against the brick wall. His pupils are huge, bulging, he’s probably higher than you are, or maybe not, because man you’re high. 

“Dave I was just wondering if you could maybe touch my neck.” He says it all quiet and bends his head forward, giving you easy access. You start with your fingertips. It feels… crazy. That’s the only word you have. It feels like you’re touching something for the first time in your life, so warm and soft and its sending shooting tingles up your arm. He’s purring like crazy, until he brushes his hand off you and buries his back into your chest, seated in between your legs. 

“We have to talk about feelings, don’t we?” You ask. He nods, and you feel every lift and drop of his skull reverberate through your body. 

“I don’t want to kiss Eridan. I don’t want you to kiss Eridan. Or anyone. I like kissing you.” He says. The words are lame, you know they are, but god, if you don’t know exactly what he means. 

“You wanna like, let people in on this?” You ask, and regret it immediately. 

He turns to you wide eyed and scared. It’s a no. He’s not ready. Maybe won’t ever be. It doesn’t matter as long as he keeps on thinking that he’s the only person he wants you kissing. 

“Then maybe we should finish this conversation in your room, I’m all cuddly man.” You advise. 

Neither of you can help holding hands on the quick walk to his dorm. 

You end up on his bed, sitting cross-legged and facing each other. His knees feel like lava against yours but like, good lava. Frosting lava. You’ve both got your faces buried in each other’s necks, just breathing and feeling and loving being touched. You honestly can’t imagine being more comfortable, ever, and your heart still feels like it’s just living in your brain. 

“What was it you wanted to say to me? Before I got all foot in my mouth spewing shit about how it’d be totally fine with me if you wanted to date fish bro, biggest bullshit that’s ever come out of my mouth.” You’re going to be mortified you’re talking about this so much at some point, but that point isn’t now, so that’s dope. 

“I’ve been thinking about this since you kissed me. In the snow. When I… when you… that night. I’ve been thinking about fucking you. Sex with you.” You can’t believe he sounds so shy. Drugs are crazy. 

“Dude woah.” Nice, eloquent, expressive. 

“Shut up.” 

“You had me read that essay last year, Karkat. About Gamzee. Your first time wasn’t even… and you never did anything with Terezi.” You know he knows this, so you don’t know why you’re telling him. 

“Terezi was way too involved with the Gamzee situation for me to do anything with her. And I wasn’t over Gamzee then. Or the things we did.” He breathes into your neck. 

“Man, is that something you ever get over?” It’s the wrong words again, but he gets what you’re saying. 

“I want you, though. You’re the first person I- with Gamzee it was high and sad and I wanted to lose myself, and with Terezi it was all romance and this weird need to protect her. But I want you. I want you.” He says it twice to make it clear. 

“I want you too, man. I’ve wanted you since I- for awhile. I’ve wanted you for awhile. But like, not just in the genital way, you know? It’s not all sex, it’s….” 

He kisses you where you leave silence, because neither of you are ready for that yet. 

And then he pulls back and pounces you. Not in a sexual way, not even a little bit, he just launches himself into this aggressive cuddle with your back pressing up against a mound of pillows. 

“Not tonight, though.” He tells you with his hands exploring your jawline like you’re a work of goddamn art. You lost your glasses awhile ago, and it’s a little crazy seeing everything so bright and sparkling. 

“Sober.” You agree. 

Your phone rings. 

“Hey Nep, what’s up?” You answer her because she’s high, too, because you want to make sure she’s okay. 

“The dancing is a little much, where are you? We’re just, we want to cuddle, and maybe do this bump, I’m feeling sad, and I don’t want to Dave.” She sings into the phone. 

“Cuddle pile in Karkat’s room.” You tell her and hang up. 

“She’s rolling, too?” Karkat grins. 

“And Fef.” 

They barge in grumpier than you’re feeling and you all snort a bump. Karkat wasn’t even beginning to come down yet and he’s high, so high, you swear you wish you could make him smile like this every day. 

Everyone just wants to cuddle, which is cool, because Karkat can be plastered to your stomach without them thinking anything is up. You’ve got a lady on each side of you and they’re both playing with Karkat’s nubby horns and stroking your softer-than-troll hair, and you’re talking about Tavros and your hopes and dreams and fears. 

They all tell you about Alternia. You’ve already heard Karkat’s story, but it chokes you up anyway. Feferi’s story makes you all laugh, Nepeta’s makes you want to cry, but you don’t, she looks to happy to ruin it with bullshit empathy. 

You love these kids, you swear you do, every single one of them. You love the way Feferi is weirdly over protective of all of you, the way she wants you all to be happy, the way she sometimes gets so wrapped up in making everyone happy that she ends up being kind of an asshole. You love how batshit Nepeta is, her crazy stories about painting in blood back on Alternia, how stupid good she is at role play and cosplay and fandoms, how she loves that little weirdo Equius to death. And you love Karkat, you love how he makes you want to hit him half the time, you love how pissed off you can make him, you love how he sobs during rom coms but can watch a horror flick with the straightest face. You love how he never sleeps, the way he cooks you food that’s way too spicy, how he talks at you for hours and hours about things that matter to him. You try coming up with things about Karkat that you don’t like, and there definitely are some, but, nope, they actually just swing right back around into things you love. Well, fuck. 

The comedown hits you first and Karkat last. Feferi worries about her heartbeat, and Karkat shakes, and Nepeta get’s bitchy as hell. It’s not easy to fall asleep, not with your nervous systems all trying to adjust to a normal pace again, but you throw on Parks and Rec to ease the pain. You all make sure to drink enough water before bed, and fall into a sporadic group sleep riddled with bits of waking up and shifting positions to make someone a little less miserable. You estimate it’s seven in the morning when you all pass out for good. 

“I’m sorry Fef please hurry I really want to see Equius.” You open your eyes and see the girls rooting around in Karkat’s closet for sweaters to wear back home. 

“Are you guys okay?” You ask them. 

Nepeta just looks at you like she might cry, and Feferi answers for her, “We feel like shit, she needs her moirail, I need a bath.” 

“I guess I’m not feeling so hot either.” It’s not like a hangover, it’s more like wanting to literally die. 

“Do you want to come back with us?” Feferi asks. 

“Literally cannot move.” 

She nods at you like she’d still be in Karkat’s bed if Nepeta weren’t forcing her to leave. 

“Don’t let him get mad at you if he wakes up and finds you here.” Feferi advises, pointing to Karkat. You roll to the opposite side of the bed and let out a groaning noise, making a point that you’re not here because you want to be, just because you literally can’t move. 

The second the door clicks closed you’ve got your arms around your tiny troll dude again. 

“Can you order food? I feel so sad, Dave. Is this how I’m supposed to feel? I feel empty, I feel like a train hit my emotions.” 

Those aren’t the right words, but you feel it too. 

Thank god for grub hub and diners with delivery. 

It’s harder to eat than you’d like for it to be, but there’s plenty of leftovers for later. You both shower and brush your teeth with every intention of going outside and doing something vaguely productive, but end up back in his bed. 

“Hey Kar?” You begin from beside him, watching him fuck around on his husktop. 

“Mm?” 

“Did you, uh, last night, did you mean what you said? About the sex stuff.” You’re making this weird. 

“Oh. Yeah.” He puts his husktop on the floor. 

Does he… now? Does he want to do this now? He’s looking at you with his big fucking alien eyes, waiting for you to say something or do something, but you’re kind of freaking out. 

It’s like, okay. It’s pretty safe to say that you are head over heels in love with Karkat Vantas at this point, which god is so dumb, it’s so out of control stupid that you’re surprised it didn’t happen sooner. 

That’s the problem, though. Karkat might want to do the nasty, but you’re honest to god terrified that if you get that intimate with him, you’re a goner. Could you ever go back to just friends after getting that, after rolling around naked and sweaty and inside each other? 

Could you go back to being just friends now? 

You really made a mess here, Strider. Fuck, fuck. 

“Hey dude, I was kind of wondering, you’re staying here all summer, aren’t you?” You’ve got a segue here, you swear. 

“Yeah. I’m working on paint crew this summer, it pays pretty well. Guess we won’t see each other till fall.” He looks about as unhappy about it as you feel. 

“Or like, check this, I find myself an internship in the city and crash with you in your school-provided housing all summer.” Did you just ask to live with Karkat? You just asked to live with Karkat. 

He blushes like six shades of red. Sick. “If your idea of a good summer is cramped in a hot as hell dorm room sharing a twin size bed with an annoying fucking troll, be my guest asshole.” 

He literally just said yes. 

You kiss him, because you’re happy. He kisses you back, pushes you onto the mattress, climbs on top of you. You’re both just in boxers, feeling your squishy skin glide over his silk smooth body. You’ve never made out in this little clothing before. To be fair, you haven’t made out all that much. Ten, twenty times? Okay, fine, sixteen times. You’ve been counting. Usually it’s just a handhold or a peck or a look that reads, “I want you, but I don’t know how”. 

He seems to know how today. You’re just underneath him, along for the ride, fumbling to keep your lips lined up with his, to find something to do with your hands. Karkat usually doesn’t let his pelvis touch yours, not since the very first time you hooked up. He’s all over you today, though, his pubic bone flush against your clit. 

“Dave, I, um…” He trails off, but you get the picture when you feel something slither out of his boxers. 

You always figured troll junk would freak you out. This is not freaking you out. You’re kind of turned the fuck on, snapped out of your comatose panic and sent into this hormonal as fuck kissing fury, legs wrapped around him, hands on his horns. 

He slides a finger under the waistband of your boxers, tentatively, and you lift up your ass so he can slip them off your legs, his going down with them. 

You’re ass naked with your best bro on top of you. 

Okay. 

“How do you want to do this man?” You ask him. He just kind of looks at you, confused, so you continue, “I mean I’m not an alien bro, we can’t all tenta-twist together, and I’m not, you know, I’m trans so I don’t really have a uh human dong, you know. Or like, I do, but I keep it in that drawer over there. So like, if you’re trying to get some dick in nook action I’ll have to go throw that on, or you can just top me, I guess, fuck, I’m not used to being a bottom dude but you’re actually kind of hot as fuck on top of me so if you want to be inside me that’s cool. It’s your first time so it’s all up to you.” 

“It’s not my first time.” He looks miserable about it. 

“Maybe not your first time fucking, but it’s your first time making love bro.” You regret it the second you say it. Why are you such a corny piece of shit? 

“You’re a dork.” He kisses you. Right, he’s a romance dweeb. Corny works for him. 

“I want to be inside you.” He says when he pulls himself off your lips. You swear it kills you. 

You can’t even say anything back to him, it’s all air coming out of your mouth and hips moving up to tell him “yeah, yup, please do that to me this is the shit I like”. It takes him a minute to get his bulge to calm down enough to find your slit, but then it does. It finds you and it’s in you and it’s wet and warm and big and-

“Fuck, Kar, oh my god.” 

And then he’s kissing you again, deep and sloppy, and you’re both moaning and he’s got his claws planted in your back. 

“Here, babe, if you move you- ah- yeah, your hips like that, it gets my- mm- yup, right there, my clit, fuck fuck fuck” You guide him by the ass to make his pubic bone rest right on your clit so you’ve got some friction to move your outside bits against while his bulge twists and prods inside you. 

“It’s different than a nook. You’re all bumpy and it’s… ni-ice.” He tells you between gasping breaths. 

You can’t respond, there’s no way, you’re way too into this. You stuff your face into his neck and bite down, try not to make too much noise. You’re completely wrapped around this prick, legs thrown over his hips, arms pulling your chests as close together as possible. 

It is, without a doubt, the most missionary sex you have ever had in your damn life, but you really, honestly don’t want anything besides his skin against your right now. You don’t want to risk fucking him. Really, honest to god, this is making love and the only thing that could make it better is if you actually stopped physically being two people and merged into one. 

“Is this good enough for you?” He whispers into your ear, and you literally start laughing it’s so ridiculous, “Fuck you, Strider! You could have told me it wasn’t good, you don’t have to fucking laugh.” 

He’s starting to tear himself away from you, but you pull him back. 

“I’m laughing because you’re stupid. It’s good, Kar, it’s perfect.” 

He snarls a little, sinks his teeth into your shoulder in a way that has you bucking up into him, moaning loud enough that he has to put a hand over your mouth. 

It’s an oil slick down there, your oversized clit fucking loving the wet friction of his pelvis. His bulge seems to be getting more daring, no longer lightly lapping at your walls but plunging full force against them, twisting in and out of you, not afraid to squirm all the way inside you, filling you, completing you. 

You can tell he’s going to cum, feel the shaking in his stomach, the catch in his throat. You pull yourself up into him just a fraction of an inch, grab for his ass with your hands, whisper his name, “Karkat, Karkat, fuck, Vantas” and then its all over for him, loud and pulsing and a rush of hot liquid all over you. You’re barely conscious when you start to cum with him, way too wrapped up in thinking about how much you love this little asshole, until you start tightening around him in a rhythm, clit vibrating against his wet skin. It’s too much for him while he’s still pailing, the clenching of your walls against his bulge. He steadies himself with an over enthusiastic bite to your shoulder, one that draws blood, one that has you questioning just how much you like pain and deciding that, yes, fuck, oh fucking god yes, it’s a lot. 

“Maybe it’s just the come down from the molly, but I want to fucking cut you open and crawl inside of you, Strider.” 

You think that means he loves you. 

“I’d let you wear my organs any day, bro.” 

You love him, too. 

\---------------------------------------------------

You’ve been laying in a puddle of your own genetic material for fifteen minutes, post coital cuddling with this blonde human nook brain. You’re still a little sad from the drugs he had you doing last night but the sex… it’s hard to be actually depressed after that. 

You’re sure that it’s probably pathetic how quickly you fell for him. Or maybe it’s pathetic how long you were falling for him without having any idea it was happening. You’re sure you like him more than he likes you, even after the sex. I mean, to him, it’s just sex. Even if he knows it meant more than that to you, it doesn’t mean it meant more than that to him. 

“Kar bro, you look like you’re moping. You straight dude? Was that like, I didn’t freak you out, right man?” Dave starts kissing at your face incessantly. 

“Fuck off, get off me, gross, you’re drooling.” You hit him till he backs off. 

“Seriously Kar, you okay?” He just kisses your hand this time, a single romantic peck. You cannot believe how hard it has your blood pusher pumping. Shit, you like him. 

“This was my idea, douche pump, of course I’m fine. I’m not having the best time stewing in our juices, so if you could kindly untangle your sweaty legs from my body we could go make ourselves decent in a shower.” Your little rant seems to convince him well enough that you’re happy, which, really, you are. 

You wanted to do this with him. 

You want to keep doing this with him. 

Which fucking apparently you’re going to get to do, because the asshole is living with you all summer, sans the rest of your nosy friends. Just you and Dave, alone together for two months. Shit that sounds nice. That was his idea, too. Maybe he does like you. You’ve got to chill out. 

The shower is nice. He splashes water in your face and keeps squirting soap on you every time you rinse off. It’s got you feeling like shit is still normal. You’re still friends, just, friends who bone. 

The nerve-wracking part is that it’s essentially the first time you’ve seen each other naked. Obviously you were naked during the sex, but you were also on top of him with your faces smashed into each other. Now you’re just in this shower, looking, staring, touching. 

He’s gorgeous. It’s not like you didn’t know he was gorgeous before, you have eyes even when his clothes are on but, god. He’s like a work of art, tall and thin. His muscles fit on his arms just right, and cut down his abdomen like glass. It kind of kills you when he turns around. That… ass. It’s round and huge, and his hips are bigger than his jeans ever let on. Fuck. Watching water and suds slide down his frame like that, fuck, god, are you getting hot again? 

Yup. There goes the bulge. He notices, of course he notices, you’re all pressed up against him, he can feel it on his leg. 

“See something you like?” He smirks at you, cocky as hell. You want to slit his throat. 

“Shut up, it’s- oh.” You’re about to come up with a really great comeback when he takes hold of your bulge in his big, soapy hand. Wow. You’re still a little sensitive from the sex you had not twenty minutes ago, and now you’ve got your bulge wrapped around his wrist and, god, his lips are on your collarbone, and your chest, and your grub scars, and your stomach, and your thigh and-

“Dave, what are you doing?” 

“Oh, shit, if you don’t want me to…” He inches his mouth back from your bulge. 

“You don’t think it’s gross?” You ask. 

“Bro, does it look like I think it’s gross?” 

You let yourself smile, and he takes you into his mouth. 

God, it feels good, those dull little teeth and the ridges in the roof of his mouth and, god, shit, fuck, that tongue, his soft tongue licking every damn crevice of your bulge. Your bulge is exploring further down his throat than you think it should, but, god, he’s just gulping it down like’s it’s candy. 

You orgasm faster than you’d like to admit, red spilling out of Dave’s mouth as your bulge retracts. 

The door opens. 

Oh, fuck, you forgot to lock the door that leads to Sollux’s room. Shit, shit, shit. Thank fuck for the dark curtain over the shower. 

“Sollux what the fuck I’m trying to shower, you couldn’t wait?” If you yell enough, he’ll leave. 

“Calm your tits Karkat, I just have to take a piss. You were taking too long in here.” He tells you. You hear him peeing. Dave is trying not to laugh. 

“Just, leave, Sollux! This is a huge privacy problem, a violation of basic roommate standards, completely inexcusable-“ 

“Ha ha, I get it dude, you’re jerking off. Fucking gross. I’ll leave you alone to get back to it. Did I hear Strider in your room before? I’m gonna ask him to play a game with me.” He says. Fuck, shit, damn it. 

“He left. To… shower. He’s coming back after. I think. If you want us to come over and play.” You stumble through your lie, Dave distracting you with his goddamn tongue on your nook. You’re going to kill him the second Sollux leaves. 

“Dude are you still jacking off? Like while I’m in here? Fucking gross, I’m out.” The toilet flushes, and the door shuts. 

“Dave fucking Strider what the shit was that? Were you trying to get us caught? You want all our friends to find out we’re fucking in the shower?” You pull him up from his knees by his throat so you can yell right into those little red eyes. He’s just laughing. 

“Bro I bet you five bucks that people end up finding out about us by walking in on us fucking in the shower.” He goads you. 

“I accept your wager, and counter with a twenty dollar bet that they find out when you inevitably straight up tell them during one of your poorly timed Freudian slips.” You roll your eyes at him. 

“You serious? You want to make this bet?” He grins. 

“Fuck yes I do, dick weasel.” 

You shake on it. 

"You know I'm never fucking you in the shower again, right?" You tell him. 

"Pfft, bullshit." He winks. 

You keep on your pissed off face and pretend like it doesn’t have your heart racing to know that he thinks you’re going to be doing this long enough for people to find out about it. 

“So I should like, put on some clothes and wait in the hallway for ten minutes? Then knock on Sollux’s door and play games with y’all?” Dave asks. 

“Yeah, sounds good. Oh, shit. You were wearing a suit yesterday.” You point out. 

“I left some normal pants here a few weeks ago… here they are. Mind if I wear one of your t-shirts? Sweet. Alright, see you in ten.” He walks out the door, then walks back in the door and kisses you, and then leaves again. 

Your phone starts ringing. You half expect it to be Dave but… it’s Gamzee. Gamzee who you haven’t spoken to in over a year. Oh, fuck. You’re not going to answer. Fuck answering, fuck this guy, you won’t answer you won’t you won’t you won’t-

“Hello?” Fuck, you answered. 

“Karbro? I didn’t think you’d…. all… up and, uh… answer.” He sounds so out of it you want to throw up. 

“What the fuck do you want, asshole?” You spit at him. 

“I know you hate me, brother, and I know you want to keep me away from Terezi. I hope you are all motherfucking back together and shit, okay?” He begins, and you stop him right there. 

“No, fuck you Gamzee, it’s not about that, it never was. I’m not with Terezi. I don’t want to be with Terezi. I just don’t want you treating her like shit. You hit her, you’re an abusive cunt nugget, I literally hope you burn in human hell.” You growl. 

“Is she okay, Karbro?” 

“What?” 

“I don’t want her to be hurt, or dead, or drugged out, or any of the other shit I made her, okay? I didn’t want that for her, I just, fuckin, I ruin everything I touch, I know I’m garbage. I know.” He sounds like he maybe fucking means it. You weren’t expecting that. 

“Shut up, Gamzee. You don’t break everything you touch.” You roll your eyes. 

“I’ve all up and cared about three people in my life, you and her and my lusus. I got my lusus killed, and I motherfuckin broke the both of you.” He says. You think he’s crying. 

“You didn’t break me Gamzee. You pissed me off. You literally saved me in high school, you were the only one I fucking trusted. I trusted you more than her. And then you-“ 

“I know, brother. I’m sorry.” 

You honestly think he is. 

“Are you calling to find her?” You ask him. 

“I just want to know if she’s alive, Karbro.” He sounds so sincere, you hate it. 

“She’s alive. She’s fine. She’s good.” You tell him, you have to tell him. 

“That’s the best motherfuckin news I’ve heard in months.” 

“You could be fine too, Gamzee.” You say, seriously. 

“We’ll see, motherfucker.” 

He hangs up. 

CG: DAVE  
TG: uh is something wrong with our plan  
TG: I was just about to go to solluxs whats goin on  
CG: GAMZEE CALLED ME 

He opens your dorm room door. 

“You wanna just hang out here?” He asks. 

“I want him to get his shit together.” You reply. 

“Do you, uh, still love him dude? In like, I dunno, a redrom way, or some shit?” He’s blushing. Is he jealous? What an ass. 

“Jesus shit, Dave, this isn’t about you. I’ve never loved him in a redrom way. Would you want John to be drugged out as fuck?” You respond. 

“Yeah no my bad. I don’t think you can help him though, Karkat. I think this is a Gamzee issue.” He’s standing awkwardly far away from you. 

“He wanted to make sure Terezi wasn’t dead.” 

“That’s actually a big fucking improvement from the last full fucking year.” He points out. 

“Want me to eat you out?” 

“Uhh bro are you trying to forget about your problems by fucking me?” He asks. 

“Yes.” 

“Is that the only reason you’re fucking me?” He’s stone faced when he asks, but you’re sure he feels hurt. 

“Obviously not, holy shit you’re sensitive right now.” 

He smiles, drops his pants. 

You really, really like fucking your best bro.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im really curious who do yall think is gonna win dave and karkat's bet?


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mkay so some warnings: def more sex like just a lot of talking about sex i'm sorry, some gross medical stuff involving sex, transphobia/dysphoria, and allusions to ptsd/past trauma. 
> 
> uhh but ok that all made this chapter sound super serious. this chapter is not super serious. this chapter is p much exclusively fluff and i'm sorry i just got carried away in the romance

It’s hot. Like, stupid hot. You don’t even remember it being this hot when you were a lil’ tyke shootin the shit back in Texas. The room the school assigned Karkat during the summer- and you, by default, even though they technically don’t know you’re crashing there- is in his old freshman dorm, a single on the top floor of Hill House. Heat rises, yo. Heat mother fucking rises, and no amount of fans and open windows seem to be able to fix it.

 

On the bright side, it’s meant you and Karkat have been pretty much naked for the past three weeks.

 

“Daaaaaaave.” Speak of the devil, here he is, Karkat Vantas, home from work.

 

“Shit dude, you’re sweaty as fuck today. Shower?” You offer.

 

“Have you even tried getting an internship? Or have you just been laying around all fucking day, thinking about how hilarious it is that I’m off working my ass off?” He grumbles at you, striping off his clothes.

 

“Definitely the second one. I’ve been trying mad hard to work up the motivation to go down to the photo lab to develop that film, though.” You wink at him. He flushes.

 

“The film with me naked? Yeah, fuck you, remind me to steal that and burn it later.” He tosses a towel at your face, heads towards the bathroom.

 

“Come on man, you’re sexy as fuck. There’s some of me in there, too. You don’t want a nude Strider pic to carry around with you all day? Just in case you forget the glory that is me?” You follow him in there.

 

“Yeah, just what two bros who are secretly fucking need. Evidence.” He’s pawing at his shoulders. Painting has been hard on him, he’s sore all the time.

 

“Yo, let’s take a bath instead of a shower. I’ll prince charming this shit up and give you a massage. We’ve totally got a bottle of wine too, bro.” You suggest.

 

“It’s cooking wine.”

 

“Damn guess me and my cooking wine aren’t fancy enough for money bags Vantas over here, a regular Donald Trump. Want me to serve it to you in a diamond cup, too, good sir?”

 

“Uuuuugh, just go get it, I’ll start the bath.” He acts like he hates you, but you see him smiling when you walk out to grab the booze.

 

Half an hour and a bottle of questionable wine later, and you’re having the best damn bath of your life. Karkat is nestled between your legs, light purr still humming in his chest from the dope massage you gave him.

 

“Hey Dave?”

 

“Hm?” You ask him, mostly distracted by the bubble beard you’re attempting to model on his face.

 

“Is it horribly embarrassing that this is all we do?” He says it like he’s actually worried. Oh, shit. Is he already getting bored of you? Fuck fuck fuck.

 

“Nah bro, we’ve had a damn hard year, I was just planning on riding out the doing nothing train until it started driving us crazy. And then, you know, start going out into the world again.” You tell him.

 

“Mmm, okay, cool.” He sinks down further into the bath, his perfectly molded bubble beard drifting away into the water.

 

“You’re not bored yet, are you?” You just… want to make sure.

 

He laughs, mouth submerged, and sinks his claws into your thighs. Nope, not bored.

 

“I know I’ve gotta like, get out of the apartment, though. Dirk is living in the city now, DJ-ing and shit. We could go to one of his shows.” You suggest. Karkat pokes his head back up in order to respond without getting a mouthful of bath water.

 

“We? Is it a good idea for us to go places in public like this? Dirk knows everyone we know.” He points out.

 

“I mean, we don’t have to be all, uh, making out and shit.” You tell him. He scoffs.

 

“The whole point of this summer was being able to hang out with you without having to worry about these fucking bulge brain blabber mouths hanging around. We have to pretend not to fuck a bunch of fucking times a week when we go visit Tavros and Terezi.” He complains.

 

“O-kay. Just naked hanging out in the apartment then. I’m on board.” You agree.

 

“Maybe we could get an air conditioner.” He suggests.

 

“Dude, gasp, that shit is so not allowed.” You feign worry.

 

“Shut the fuck up, you’re technically not allowed to be here, I think we’ll be fine. I can’t sleep when it’s hot like this.” He whines.

 

“You can’t sleep anyway.”

 

It’s stupid how easily you’ve slipped into this couple dynamic. You guess maybe you always argued like a couple, and hung out every goddamn day like a couple. Really, it was just the sex that was missing. And he’s good at the sex. You kind of pity everyone he hasn’t had sex with him. The tenta-bulge? Who would even bother fucking a human when that shit exists? You never bring it up with him. Just in case he, you know. Clues in. Realizes that your human vagina and dildos are nothing compared to the tenta-bulge/nook combo.

 

“You’re thinking about sex, aren’t you? You’re a goddamn pervert.” He elbows you.

 

“Man how do you even tell that shit. So not fair.”

 

“You’re always thinking about sex.”

 

“Oh, like you’ve ever complained.”

 

He definitely doesn’t complain when you reach around him and grab his already-exposed bulge.

 

“Looks like you were already thinking about it, too.” You whisper in his ear.

 

He just leans back into your chest, starts making little clicking sounds in his throat, “I’m naked in a bath with you, dipshit, of course I’m thinking about sex.”

 

It makes your stomach do flip flops the way he still bickers with you, even with your hand wrapped around his most intimate bits. Or, okay, with his most intimate bits wrapped around your hand. Whatever.

 

He still hasn’t let you up his nook yet, not with a strap on, or a finger, or your tongue. You’ve only been having sex for, what, a month? It’s not like you’re pressuring him, or anything. You’d be fine doing things just like this for the rest of your fucking life, if that’s what he needs. But god, shit, the thought of him writhing underneath you for a goddamn change, whispering harder and faster in your ear, it’s got you bucking your hips up into his back.

 

You fucking love when he reminds you how much stronger he is than you, using those troll muscles to hoist you out of the tub and pin you down onto the bathroom floor. You like how lean his muscles are. Just looking at him, you’d think you could kick the shit out of him. But here he is, forcing you to the floor by your shoulders.

 

He’s been getting good at fucking you. Not that you don’t like the nights you make love. You fucking can’t get enough of that shit, close and passionate and looking into each other’s eyes. He’s made you realize how much you like being topped, though. It hurts your pride to even think that out loud, and fuck, somehow that makes it even hotter. Even now, slippery and wet, he’s got one of your legs up by your ear, claws poking holes into your thigh from gripping you so tightly.

 

You’ve got a rhythm now, he knows the angle to slip in his bulge to hit your g-spot, can feel with his pubic bone just how to rub your clit the right way. He’s got the rhythm and he goes harder with it, rougher, rough enough to make you see stars, to call out his name, to try desperately to break the tough skin on his back with your pathetic little fingernails. You’re positive you’re going to scar permanently from where he sinks his teeth into your shoulder every night. You can’t say you mind. You can say you kind of like being personally branded by him. Fffffuck it’s messed up how much it gets you off.

 

“Dave, I want to try something.” He tells you, blood dripping down his chin. Your blood. God, you almost cum right there. You just nod at him, blinded by pleasure. And then he’s- oh, fuck, he’s contorting his fucking sexy alien body, keeping his bulge inside you but curling down to lick your goddamn clit at the same time. He’s gotta have like, nine thousand vertebrae to pull that off and- nope, no more time to think about it, just gotta wrap your legs around him and dig your hands into his scalp and-

 

“Karkat, Karkat, Karkat, Kaa-rrr-FUCK KARKAT” You say his name before you cum, because it gets him off to hear you scream it. Cocky little fuck.

 

The orgasm hits you both and roughly the same time- you’re both proud as hell about how often you manage that- and it’s so good, and you’re just rolling your hips into each other, moaning and sweating and panting until he slides back up towards your face, dragging cummy goop all the way up your body. When you mention it, he just sort of grunts and kisses you and directs you back to bed. You’ll worry about the mess on the floor later.

 

You and Karkat were planning on sleeping in the next morning. It’s a Saturday, so he doesn’t have any work, and you stayed up all night doing the sex some more and reading some of his shitty troll romance novels aloud. It started off as a joke, you totally making fun of how sappy they are, but then some of the sex acts the characters were getting up to sounded kind of fun and, yeah, well. Stuff happened.

 

The sleeping late doesn’t go so swell for you though. You’re absolutely sweating when you wake up at nine AM- not a surprise, it’s always hot. You have to pee. Worse than you’ve ever had to pee before. You vaguely remember passing out before you had a chance to clean your combined cum off of yourselves. Gross.

 

And, okay. Ow. Fuck. Peeing hurts. Like, wow. Nope this is the worst you’ve ever felt and it’s literally burning and, god, there’s no more pee but it feels like there is and god it still BURNS.

 

You’d like to think you’re generally pretty good at tolerating pain. You’ve taken a sword to the head and, shit, got your damn tits cut off last summer. This, though. This is killing you. You’re practically in tears, literal pathetic tears, sitting on this damn toilet. You sit there for maybe half an hour, just whimpering and willing the pain to go away, before you realize something is really extra fucking wrong and you probably can’t deal with it on your own.

 

Are you really going to ask Karkat to help you with this? Fuck, so embarrassing, but god the burning and the tingling and augh-

 

“Karkat. Kar. Karkat!”

 

“Mpph, wh-at?” You see him stirring in bed from the crack in the bathroom door.

 

“I uh. Need help, bro.”

 

He looks pissed as hell stalking over to you. He fucking hates being woken up on those few nights he actually manages to catch some shut eye.

 

“Are you fucking kidding me right now Strider? Are you such an imbecile that I have to teach you how to use the goddamn toilet? This entire summer have you been w- are you crying? Oh fuck what’s going on.” His entire demeanor shifts the second he sees how frantic you are.

 

“I feel weird. Can you look something up on the internet. I don’t know what’s happening dude.” You can feel how red your cheeks are. Shit, this is mortifying. You’ve still got your hand over your damn crotch, constant pressure is pretty much the only thing that makes the awful feeling go away.

 

He gets on his husktop and only makes fun of you a little when you make him type “burns when you pee” into google.

 

“Hm. Well, okay, so either it’s eight thousand things that can kill you, or a UTI.” He explains. You’re still just looking at him through a crack in the bathroom door, too embarrassed to let him inside.

 

“What the fuck is that bro. Is it some alien shit? Do I have an alien STD right now oh fuck oh god.” You’re kind of panicking.

 

“Shh, I’m reading. Okay, well. Apparently it’s a urinary tract infection. Says you should go to the doctor. Make sure it isn’t a HUMAN STD, thank you very fucking much. Is there, um, blood?” He’s blushing now, too.

 

“Uhhh, let me check.” You fuck around with some toilet paper and, yep, a little fucking blood in your pee. Holy shit this is disgusting. The dysphoria is really just shooting through the fucking roof right now, Jesus Christ, fuck this stupid body and this parts you don’t even want.

 

“Dave?”

 

“I hate this body dude.”

 

It’s the first time you’ve ever been openly upset about something like this in front of him. It’s the first time you’ve been openly upset about something like this since you had sex with John, and your “holy shit what did we just do” laughter turned into “holy shit I hate this body John, this isn’t right, this isn’t right” tears.

 

He takes that as his cue to push the door open and scoop you up from the toilet.

 

“This is a _girl_ problem, dude. I shouldn’t have to deal with this shit, I’m a _boy._ ” Yup, you’re crying. Okay.

 

“Hey, Dave, shh, it’s okay dude. Just, come on. We’re going to get dressed, and go to the doctor, and it’ll be over soon.” He’s got you on the bed cradled into his chest and holy fuck this is pathetic, but you still _hurt_ and _burn_ and it’s making you hella emotional.

 

You have to borrow some of his sweat pants, because you don’t own anything besides skinny jeans god why are you such a hipster shit, and they’re too short on you and the walk into town is fucking awful and you have to sit down like six times while he just looks at you like he doesn’t know what the fuck to do. You can tell he’s losing his shit, as calm as he’s trying to act. He’s never seen you flip the fuck out like this before, and he saw you literally right after your top surgery. It’s not that this hurts more than that, it just hurts different. Embarrassing. Uncomfortable. Urrghghhh.

 

They make you piss in a cup the second you get to the walk-in clinic, and wait in a room for the doctor. They don’t want Karkat to go in there with you, but he does, because he’s a controlling little shit. You tell him only the patient is supposed to sit up on the big table thing, but he hops on up there with you, anyway. A nurse comes in, tries not to laugh at the way you’re both sitting up there, legs dangling awkwardly.

 

“Okay, so, we’ve got the lab results back, Miss Strider.” She smiles. Your stomach fucking lurches.

 

“He’s a boy, numb nuts. Do you not have fucking eyes? What the fuck kind of girl’s name is Dave? Are you kidding me right now?” Karkat is livid. Honestly, it reminds you of the way Dirk used to act when he had to take you to doctor appointments. Except that Dirk did less yelling, and more manipulative guilt tripping.

 

“Oh, gosh, I’m sorry, it’s just, she has- you have, right. Okay well you came back positive for a Urinary Tract Infection, _mister_ Strider. I’m just, the doctor will be in momentarily. To prescribe something. I’m sorry.” She’s blushing and embarrassed. Good.

 

“Thank, man.” You say to him once she closes the door.

 

“Is she literally blind? Can I get her fired? That was fucking bullshit.” He’s actually shaking he’s so mad.

 

“Nah, whatever, I mean, it sucks but it used to happen way more. Before I was on T, and before the surgery. People on the street and shit used to think I was a girl too. I get it, she sees I have a vagina there on here little chart, she thinks I’m a girl, whatever.” It’s not whatever, it makes you miserable, but you’re gonna hide those emotions behind your shades.

 

“The genital distinction of gender makes no fucking sense.” He scoffs.

 

“Amen.”

 

He takes your hand but doesn’t look at you.

 

Another woman comes in. She’s wearing a lab coat, probably the doctor.

 

“Hello boys,” She says boys like she knew what went down before, “Which one of you is Dave?”

 

“That’d be me.”

 

“Alright. Well, the rapid test urine sample is showing that you have a UTI. We’re going to send it off to the lab for a more thorough test, but I’m just going to ask a few questions first. We’ll probably put you on antibiotics today, it can’t hurt. So, tell me your symptoms.”

 

“Uh, burning. When I piss. Just a fucking fire storm down there, you dig? And uh, feels like I have to pee. All the time. Constantly.” You mumble. God this is embarrassing.

 

“And he’s _bleeding._ When he pees, there’s _blood.”_ Fuckin, thanks Karkat.

 

“Sounds like a UTI to me. Alright, I’ll write up a prescription. Once you get to the pharmacy, grab some AZO pills too. They’ll alleviate the discomfort until you’re healthy again.” She smiles. Discomfort, pfft. Understatement of the fucking year.

 

“How did he get it?” God damn it Karkat.

 

“Well, it’s not incredibly hard to get an infection there. It’s a buildup of bacteria in the urethra. This actually isn’t a problem exclusive to people with vaginas, but it is more common for an infection to form there. Are you two, involved? Active, sexually?” She asks.

 

Holy. Shit. This. Is. The. Worst.

 

Karkat just completely looks away, pretends this shit isn’t happening. You think you hear him whispering to himself. You’re so red. So red.

 

“Um. Yeah.” Hardest thing you’ve ever had to say.

 

“Well, okay. This is actually very common when trolls and humans have intercourse. The genetic material produced by trolls actually has a significant amount of glucose it in, which can lead to a UTI.” She’s still smiling. Why. Why the smiles, how is this situation at all pleasant?

 

“So, what, we can’t fuck anymore? That’s it, we’re incompatible?” Karkat shouts out of fucking nowhere, gripping the edge of the table in between his legs. Noooo shut up shut up shut up fuck fuck fuck.

 

“No, no, not at all! In the future, he should just urinate after intercourse, and maybe shower. I also recommend daily cranberry supplements. Any other questions? No? Alright, you prescription should be ready to pick up at CVS in about twenty minutes.” She leaves.

 

“This is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me.”

 

“Can we just not talk for a few days.”

 

“Yup.”

 

You actually don’t talk, not until a few hours later when you’re already home, you fucking around with your turntables and Karkat sitting by the window with his face in a book.

 

“Bro.”

 

“Dave, weren’t we not talking?” He mumbles. Still mortified. Great.

 

“I have to pee.”

 

“Fucking congratulations.”

 

“No dude you don’t get it those AZO pills really worked it’s the first time I’ve felt like peeing since I took them.” You’re nervous they’re wearing off.

 

“Will you stop talking to me about your disgusting bodily functions and go to the fucking bathroom?”

 

You do.

 

“HOLY SHIT KARKAT.”

 

“Oh my god, WHAT?”

 

“You know how the box said it would turn my piss orange?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Come look.”

 

“No”

 

“Yeah, no, it’s cool come here.”

 

“I’m not looking at your urine, what’s wrong with you?”

 

“Dude it’s orange.”

 

“I literally fucking hate you Dave Strider, you are disgusting and have no respect for personal privacy and- holy fuck, it’s _neon_ orange.”

 

“Fuckin told you bro.”

 

 

 

Normally, you and Karkat go see Tavros on Sundays, but Terezi called you from her psychiatric facility this morning and practically begged you to come out during visiting hours. She seemed to assume Karkat would be with you already, which you’re trying not to think about too much.

 

It only takes about an hour to get to her via public transportation. She’s at some place in White Plains, which is a city you’d never heard of before, but whatever. It seems like a pretty nice place, all things considered, with huge brick buildings and tons of grassland surrounding it.

 

A nurse tells you that she’s in the adolescent ward and guides you down a winding path of hallways and staircases until you find yourselves outside a big wooden door with a doorbell. A worker escorts you both inside and leads you to an office where you have to sign in and show ID and let them go through all your pockets and shit.

 

As far as psychiatric wards go, this one isn’t so strict. You remember Roxy being in places way more over the top than this. You also remember Roxy being a hell of a lot more out of control than Terezi ever was. Karkat still looks weirded out.

 

Terezi seems to have scored herself one of the single-bed rooms, and you’re allowed to go in there to talk to her. Every fifteen minutes on the dot, an orderly wanders by and checks on all of you, smiling politely. You can tell it’s pissing Karkat off but, fuck, really it feels just like when Roxy was in a facility like this.

 

“So here’s the low down, Dave. Just going to be really open about what I need out of you here.” Terezi begins after a little while of small-talk.

 

“Oh fuck.”

 

“They want to release me soon, but I’m not supposed to go live on my own. Vriska tells me you and John got yourselves a little apartment off campus. When’s the lease start on that?” She smiles.

 

“Not till fall. That’s when Tavros is supposed to be done with rehab. Or, you know, done with live-in rehab.” You tell her.

 

“You guys looking for a fourth roommate?” She grins.

 

“It’s only got three bedrooms. You’d have to crash in the living room but, actually, it’s a pretty big space. You could fit a mattress on the floor, throw a curtain up to give yourself some privacy.” You muse.

 

“Glad you’re on board, because I already got the okay from John and Tavros.” Man, she’s evil.

 

“Aw man, they didn’t even try to warn me.” You groan.

 

“What are you going to do until then, TZ?” Karkat asks.

 

“Stay at Vriska’s.” She says this quieter.

 

“Vriska’s? Like, in the same fucking city as Gamzee? Are you kidding me?” Karkat is out of his chair, yelling. You wish you could calm him down, put a hand on him, something.

 

“Yeah but, with Vriska. You think she’s going to let him near me? I’m over it, Karkat.” She doesn’t sound so convincing. You both just look at her, “Okay, whatever, I’m not over him but I’m over wanting to be with him. Is that good enough for you little shits?”

 

“You look really good, Terezi. I just don’t want him to fuck it up for you.” Karkat says, staring at his hands.

 

You end up stepping out of the room for a few minutes. You say you have to pee, which has Karkat staring at you all wide-eyed after yesterday’s little incident (but really, the AZO pills have you feeling fine), but you really just think the two need a little alone time to catch up.

 

You pretend not be jealous.

 

They don’t come looking for you for half an hour.

 

Ughhhhh

 

Yeah you’re not jealous it’s totally cool.

 

It’s just, ha, it’s just that your best bro, who you’re also boning, is siting in a room alone with his ex girlfriend who is sober for the first time since they broke up. And you’re standing outside of her unit like a complete idiot, just waiting for them to finish probably making out and confessing their undying love. Also she’s going to live with you next year. Also you’re living with him now.

 

Ha ha, oh Dave, you’re so fucked.

 

Karkat comes out to get you, eventually. After thirty six minutes.

 

“Oh, fuck, you’re right out here. Have you been… waiting? Visiting hours just ended, Terezi was bummed she didn’t get to say goodbye to you.” He tells you.

 

“Thought you guys could use some alone time.” You tell him, heading off down the hallway vaguely towards the exit.

 

“Oh my god. Oh my god, you’re jealous. You still think I like her.” He calls after you. You just kind of keep walking, keep not responding until you’re out of the hospital.

 

“Yeah, well, she’s all sober, just thought you’d want to do some reminiscing.” You finally mumble, refusing to make eye contact with him. He stops walking behind you, and you turn around to face him.

 

“Do you have any fucking idea how pathetic you sound right now? If you were being any more ridiculous, I swear, I’d think I was being Punk’d. Ashton Kutcher? You around somewhere? Waiting to tell me how Dave’s whole ridiculous jealous bullshit is just a ruse? Oh, nope. It’s just actually happening to me. I have sex with my best bro, totally let the guy see me naked and live with me all summer and touch me in places that fucking no one has been before, and he’s too fucking stupid to realize that I like him, not my ex fucking girlfriend. Man, I really know how to pick ‘em, right? Good fucking job, Karkat. Turns out the only one stupider than Dave in this whole situation is me, after all.” He’s breathing all heavy by the time he stops ranting.

 

“Wait so just to be clear, you like me?” You keep your face all stoic to hide the fucking butterflies you’ve got going on.

 

“Jesus shit. Seriously? You’re still asking? Fuck you, Dave.” He walks past you, towards the train. He’s blushing, though.

 

“I uh, like you too dude.”

 

“No fucking shit.”

 

Ha ha. Cool. You guys like each other.

 

 

 

 

You ask Karkat to meet you in the darkroom on campus when he gets out of work the next day. You spend all morning and afternoon working in there, running photo paper through chemical baths to get shit looking just the way you want it to. When he finally arrives, you’ve managed to get most of the work done. Not all your film (you’ll have to do the second half a different day), but still. All the ones of him. And you. And you guys together.

 

“It smells like shit in here, Dave.” He tells you, letting you guide him around all the chemicals. You try explaining to him which ones do what, how long you leave a photo in each to get what effect, but you can tell he’s only half-listening.

 

“Here dude, they’re all hanging up on the line. You’ve been bitching about not getting to see what you look like in my pictures, so I decided to fucking print some for you. This is you, and me, and us.” You kind of wanted this to be a bigger romantic deal, or something, but you’re bad at phrasing things like that. You’re pretty sure you’re mostly coming off as cocky.

 

He looks at all of them, pretty silently, with only a few snorts or eye rolls.

 

“Whatcha think?” You smile.

 

“You can’t let people see these.” He tells you.

 

“Aw, fuck off, come on, do you like them?” You ask again.

 

“Yeah. I like the one you got of both of us on the bed sharing headphones. I also think the ones you let me take of you are stellar.” He gloats.

 

“It’s just because I look good mostly naked.” You say.

 

“Hey Dave?”

 

“What up?”

 

“Am I really as fat as I come across in all these? Like, my thighs and stuff. And when I’m sitting down and leaning over…”

 

“Holy shit are you trying to tell me you don’t think you have the hottest bod in literally the universe?”

 

Does he seriously think he’s unattractive?

 

“I used to be really thin. Really, really thin. Back on Alternia.” He mutters.

 

“Weren’t you also like, on the lam and starving?” You ask.

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Babe, you look great. Stellar. Perfect. Ten out of ten, would look again.”

 

“Ugh, stop being sappy.”

 

“Make me.”

 

Sex in the darkroom probably isn’t the safest, but you do it anyway.

 

\---------------------------------------------------

 

You don’t really understand the point of this human holiday, or why you have to be outside in the muggy heat under the blaring rays of the July sun in order to enjoy it. You also don’t understand why he’s forced you into this ridiculous red, white, and blue shirt. You guess you appreciate him in nothing but shorts bearing the same colors, though.

 

“One more time, Strider, this is a holiday celebrating the birth of your nation? The nation that, quite frequently, you complain is a capitalist dystopia run by a patriarchal society and a conservative government?” You question.

 

“Yup, exactly.”

 

“So why are we celebrating?”

 

“Three words, babe: irony, burgers, and fireworks. Oh shit, beer, too. I definitely want to add beer in there. And also like, corn on the cob, and those fucking delicious red, white, and blue popsicles you get from the ice cream truck. Does an ice cream truck run through campus? We gotta find an ice cream truck after we cook these burgers.” He rambles.

 

“Did you… even answer my question? Oh, fuck it, I’m going to swing, you do whatever the fuck you want with those meat patties.” You grumble.

 

“No no no Kaar, Karkat, Karkitten, come here. You made me learn how to cook, I’m going to teach you how to grill. You aren’t a true American unless you learn how to grill.” He’s practically pouting.

 

“One more time: dystopian hellhole that, for the record, I never asked to live in. I was ushered here like a little baa-beast. All I wanted was to not be culled.” You argue.

 

“Baa-beast? Come on, that’s not a word.” He pokes his eyes out from over his sunglasses.

 

“Yeah, okay, I made that one up to piss you off.”

 

You don’t know why you bothered even trying to argue wit him. You end up at the grill beside him, putting cheese slices on the burgers. He tries to teach you how to flip them, which is moronic, because burgers are not hard to flip. It’s kind of cute as hell when he does that classic bullshit romcom thing and comes up behind you and grabs your flipping arm to help teach you, with his other hand fingering your belt loop.

 

You only let yourself enjoy it for a minute before you push him off you and tell him to mind your fucking personal space.

 

You don’t really know why you’re like that. Something about pride, probably. And that this shit is still too good to be true. Whatever.

 

Dave actually tracks down an ice cream truck. Of course he does. Dave gets whatever the shit he wants. You should probably start keeping a tally of every time shit doesn’t go his way. The popsicle he makes you eat is absolutely disgusting, but he buys you both a twist cone to share to make up for it.

 

The second the sun starts going down, he drags you from the grills on the main lawn of campus back to your dorm. It’s the highest building on campus, and he wants you to get a good view of the fireworks. You’re less comfortable with heights than he is, and really don’t appreciate the climb up the fire escape, but fuck if you’ll tell him that.

 

You mull around in the middle of the roof for awhile while he sits right on the edge, feet dangling over the side. It freaks you out, and the fireworks are pretty, but the noise reminds you of the sounds of war on Alternia and the bright flashes send your head whirling to explosions and gunfire. It’s not those vivid, intrusive memories like you used to get, the ones that would wake you up in the middle of the night screaming, the ones that had you afraid to go outside as a kid. It’s still not fucking nice, though.

 

You walk up behind Dave, lace your arms around his stomach.

 

“Can we go inside?” You say it into his back, embarrassed.

 

“You not having a good time, dude?” He hops off his perch to look at you. You’ve still got your hands on him, for support.

 

“They’re pretty. They are. And this is nice and everything I just… never mind, fuck, let’s just stay, this clearly means a lot to you.” You try to sound confident, but he sees you wince when the next bang shoots off in the sky.

 

“Oh, shit. Is this reminding you of Alternia, bro? Fuck, I’m sorry. I wasn’t even thinking.” He always looks so fucking guilty when he realizes how ignorant he is. It’s… nice. You don’t expect him to know half the shit you’ve been through, what’s going to make you upset, but honestly appreciate that he tries to take it into consideration.

 

“It’s not so bad. I want to watch. But maybe from our window.”

 

So you go back inside, flip on your newly installed air conditioner until it’s cold enough to wrap yourselves in blankets, and watch the light show from indoors. You like it better with Dave in your lap.

 

He can tell you’re still a little on edge when it’s all over, turns to you and says, “Bro we’ve got to build a fort.”

 

“What the fuck are we going to do in a fort?”

 

“John and I always used to play Magic in our forts.”

 

“Magic? Like pretending to be wizards and shit? I’m actually an adult, unlike some people in this room, and am not into that role-play bullshit. Maybe ask Nepeta.” You roll your eyes.

 

“Nah, dude, the card game. You’ve never played Magic the Gathering? Oh fuck, I have so many decks, I’m going to make you play all of them. Holy fuck this is happening, we’re gonna do this, help me set up these sheets.”

 

You do build a fort. It’s impressive as hell, even by Dave’s standards. He never gets his Magic cards out, though. You’re too busy bickering about wizards, and end up in this elaborate role-play scenario where you’re two knights sent to save the same princess who, moral of the story, have kinky as fuck sex in their tent. You don’t let him top you, not yet, but you do let him ride you while you fuck him senseless. You like to see him up there, throwing his head back in genuine pleasure when you do something just the way he likes it.

 

You fall asleep tangled up in each other, legs twisted and arms splayed over chests. But not before you make him go piss and shower. You refuse to have a repeat of the UTI incident.

 

 

 

It’s a week later when you find his journal, going on a cleaning spree that he absolutely refuses to take part in. You’re tidying up the pile of books the two of you have amassed in your time off from school when you come across it, leather-bound and expensive looking. In all fairness, you weren’t really interested in it until you saw him tense up on the bed when you picked it up to put it on a shelf.

 

“Is this special or something?” You ask.

 

He takes out his headphones, all serious-like, “Bro, don’t look in that. Give it here. Give me the journal. Oh. Shit. No, not journal. It’s just a normal notebook. With raps in it. Raps. Raps with dicks in the lyrics.”

 

You give it to him, because you don’t really give a shit if he has a journal. You’re kind of curious about how cagey he’s being, though.

 

You _really_ start to give a shit when you see him snap a picture of you with his polaroid, and proceed to put the photograph in the notebook two days later. He thinks you’re sleeping, but you are definitely not sleeping.

 

“Dave, what the shit was that.”

 

“Uhhhh”

 

“Did you just put a picture of me in your fucking diary? What the fuck are you doing? I was going to let that shit go, you know. But no, no, you ruined that for yourself, didn’t you? Give me. Give me the diary.” You command.

 

“Dude noooooo.” He’s whining, holding it away from you.

 

“Obviously there’s some shit in there that I’m going to get pissed about. Give. It. Here.”

 

You have to wrestle it away from him, with claws and teeth and hate fury. He’s still struggling underneath you, your ass planted firmly on his chest, when you turn to the first page and start to read aloud.

 

_“Little Karkat Things”_

“Dave.”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Is this a book about me?”

 

“Is it too late to convince you to just not look bro?”

 

You turn the page.

 

_“1. Karkat hogs all the covers- No seriously it’s some straight up ridiculous shit, even when he’s awake and I’m the only one asleep and it’s eight thousand degrees out I wake up and little dude is just burrowed under blankets and shit_

_2\. Asleep Karkat will push you the fuck out of bed- He might fall asleep all cuddly but it’s all a ruse man the second he’s out you’re on the floor_

_3\. Karkat gets pissed if I don’t kiss him before he goes to work- Like I could be all cozy and knocked out at 8 in the fuckn morning but if I don’t get out of bed to kiss him he just gets louder and louder getting ready, throwin’ shit on the ground and talking to himself he just needs that Strider lovin’ in the morning to get him motivated for some painting.”_

There’s a fucking polaroid next to every number, illustrating his point.

 

“Dave what the actual fuck?”

 

“Honestly bro, those aren’t even the worst ones you shouldn’t even bother getting angry yet.” He sighs, resigned.

 

You flip towards the middle of the book.

 

“ _34\. Karkat likes to sing in the shower- He pretends like he doesn’t, too. Just walks out of there like I couldn’t hear him belting it out._

_35\. Karkat actually has a good voice- Makes sense why he tells me I’m a shit singer all the time. His high notes? Hot damn._

_36\. Karkat secretly has all my music on his laptop- It’s got some hella high play counts too, looks like alien bro is into my beats. He especially likes the ones I wrote about him. Prolly doesn’t know they’re about him though._

_37\. Karkat is weirdly into emo music- But he covers it up with this fake obsession with pop music, I don’t even know why he thinks Taylor Swift is somehow less embarrassing than MCR. Okay, both are pretty embarrassing. Karkat has hilarious taste in music._

_38\. Karkat likes live music- Saw him browsing for Gerard Way tickets but they were too expensive for him. Gonna buy them for him and give them to him when he’s super pissed at me. Also just one more time going to point out how hilarious his taste in music is holy shit.”_

“On the bright side, we’ve now stumbled on this perfect opportunity for me to give you the tickets.” He grins.

 

“Dave, honestly, what the fuck is this list? What are you doing?” You barely have it in you to rant, feeling this combination of angry and flattered.

 

“I’ve been pretty bored, yo.”

 

“That’s fucking great, Dave. Hey, here, I’m going to start my own list. Mind if I borrow some paper? I’m going to title it ‘Times Dave Disregards Personal Boundaries’ and we’re going to hang it right above our fucking bed.” You actually tear a piece of paper out and tape it to the wall, with that title. He’s way too into it, snapping a polaroid of himself and hanging it right fucking next to your sign with the caption ‘Dave makes a book of all the cute shit Karkat does’.

 

When you wake up the next morning, you don’t miss the fact that Dave has adjusted your title to read ‘Times Dave Disregards Personal Boundaries and karkat finds it fucking adorable’. You don’t bother changing it back. Only partially because he isn’t wrong.

 

“Hey dude. Since the big secret is out and everything, and you know I think your voice is like a bunch of Angels just harmonizing up there in the clouds, wanna go fuck around in the recording studio with me?” He asks you.

 

“It’s not even a real recording studio, Dave, it’s just got some cheap microphones.” You tell him.

 

“Right cool so wanna go?”

 

“You’re going to make me sing, aren’t you?” It’s not like you don’t know you’ve got a good voice. You like singing, too. You just don’t like showing off. Unlike a certain Strider, who will play any instrument at any time for any person, willing or not.

 

“Hell fucking yes.”

 

“Ugh. Fine. But under one condition: I am the sole owner of the recording. We delete whatever digital copy is made and burn it onto a CD. I keep the CD. I guard the CD. No one touches the CD, besides myself.” You lay out the terms.

 

“Hm, alright, cool, but we get to listen to it like, once first. And then you can squirrel that shit away for the rest of your life, and we can come back here and play videogames like it never even happened.” He agrees.

 

You’re already in the recording studio before he bothers asking you what you’re actually going to be playing.

 

“So like, I’m basically a guitar god, so whatever you feel comfortable singing dude. I figured you’d want to pull out some of your emo shit.” He winks at you. Like his fucking music is much better.

 

“What about that song you sang that one morning?” You blurt out, before really thinking about it.

 

“Uh what morning?”

 

Ugh, you’re probably being sappy and he’s going to make fun of you.

 

“The morning after we hooked up for the first time, obviously asshole.” You try to sound angry so he can’t tell how much you liked it, how much you want to hear him play it again.

 

“Didn’t realize you were actually listening to me play that.” He’s bushing behind those shades, you can tell. He’s so fucking pale, that blush comes on so easy.

 

“I was in the same fucking room as you.”

 

“Bro, when you actually fall asleep it’s hella hard to wake you up. It’s number 14 on my list. I’ve even got a polaroid of you with a bunch of shit stacked on top of your face. Can’t blame me for thinking you slept through that. Anyway, you even know the words to that shit?” He’s doing that thing where he talks for an extra long time in an attempt to sound cooler than he is.

 

You press the record button.

 

“Of course I know the lyrics, it’s a popular fucking song, Dave. Can you shut the fuck up for five seconds and play your goddamn guitar?”

 

He listens, starts strumming out those stupid chords that send your stomach into knots. He’s… wow. He doesn’t play in front of you that often, not something that actually means something to him. It’s usually just his dorky raps, not beautiful chords. You fuck up when you’re supposed to come in singing for the first time, too caught up in how his fingers move across the strings. He chuckles under his breath, but doesn’t say anything, just plays that part again.

 

It’s easier to pretend you aren’t completely in love with him when you’re singing. You’re a good singer, you really are. So fucking good that your own voice can distract you. Or maybe you’re just a little self-obsessed.

 

Only, then you’re singing lines that apply to him. Watching him up on the roof, the moonlight echoing off his skin. You’re singing about the violent way you fell in love, with brusque words and actual strifes. You’re singing about the way that you drew it out of each other, after two fucking years of denying it, he just sat you down in the snow and kissed you and you fucking lost it in his arms.

 

You’re singing about how fucking lonely you felt before him, the way you both still act like this damn thing is a fight rather than a relationship. You’re singing “hallelujah” because, shit, you’re fucking grateful. And, fuck, right before the break in the lyrics where you just have to sit there and look at him fucking living in the music, playing like he’s actually fucking happy to be here, you’re singing about the way you feel moving inside him.

 

He smiles at you while he plays and, oh, fuck, you might actually be in love.

 

You refuse to think about it during the last verse. You throw everything into your voice, into your pitch and tone and god you sound good, god you sound like you mean everything you’re singing. You take shit up an octave at the end, showing the fuck off, because showing off is a hell of a lot easier than thinking about being in love with Dave Strider. You’re so into your own bullshit you don’t even notice that he’s stopped playing until you’ve finished singing and open your eyes to see him staring at you, shades fucking off, just gawking.

 

“Take a picture, Strider, it’ll last longer. Oh, fucking wait, you already have a fucking thousand of those.” You’re embarrassed, and you kind of wish he hadn’t heard you singing so seriously like that, and you kind of wish you picked a less fucking romantic song and, god, shit, fuck everything, honestly.

 

He doesn’t snap back at you, no “fuck you”, no witty retort. Instead, he flash steps in between your legs where you have yourself seated on a table.

 

“What, did I woo you or some shit with my siren voice?” You ask again. The way he’s looking at you is making you fucking nervous. It’s not like you haven’t seen him without shades before, but it’s like he’s boring his way into your fucking soul right now. It looks like- oh, fucking hell, it looks like he’s falling in love with you.

 

And then his lips are on you, soft and passionate and, god, every touch, every flick of his tongue, every graze of his fingertips is just screaming “I love you” and you’re moaning into his mouth and you want him, you _want him._

“Dave, wait- the recording.”

 

He snorts out air in a tiny laugh, hits the “stop recording” button.

 

There’s a good twenty seconds where you just look at each other again, where you both should say “I love you” but neither of you do, but it’s okay, because you know, you both know.

 

You’ve made love to Dave before, a hundred times. This time is different, though. This time you know he’s making love back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> these boys are fuckn nerds who need to just confess their love already jfc
> 
> i accidentally formatted this weird and dont have the energy to fix it so sorry about the awkwardly large spaces in between literally everything whooops


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took longer than anticipated, and it's kind of a super short chapter. Sorry y'all. I've had some pretty serious writers block, and am not the most happy with this chapter, but here it is!

You’ve been playing Fallout for probably six hours. Maybe you should feel bad about it, but Karkat really likes watching you gun down creepy mutant creatures and asshole humans, so whatever. He’s been doing a lot of writing random fiction stories while you play- some of which he lets you read- since his paint crew job ended. You’ve obviously read shit he’s written for school before, the kid is refuses to turn anything in before like six of you review it, but it’s different reading something he’s writing just for himself. 

You think he might have started some of this for your benefit, creating these memoirs about Alternia. Some of them are cute and fun, him and his lusus squabbling or hunting together, or hearing about how he’d have to hole up in his house for like a full year when the sun blistered down on them for “summer season”. You learn he was just as much of a nerd as a kid as he is now. He tried to teach himself to fight with sickles because he wanted a job that was essentially ninja murdering for the Condesce. He didn’t really have any real-life friends, so he spent most of his time on the computer his lusus helped him scavenge parts to build. 

The more horrifying stories start up when he’s like, eight. At first it’s just coming to an understanding that he’s got mutant blood, that he’s related via disgusting troll breeding to the leader of one of the biggest rebellions in troll history. Then it’s having to actually hide from drone raids in his neighborhood, getting used to fucking explosions in the middle of the night and watching his neighbors get violently murdered or dragged away to be enlisted in the army. 

It was his lusus’ idea for him to run when humans set up a refugee camp a five days walk from where he lived. He still hasn’t gone into detail about what happened during that week. You know it was awful, you know his lusus died, you know he was almost fucking positive he wasn’t going to make it. You honestly aren’t sure if he’s ever going to be able to talk about it. You guess you can’t fucking blame him. 

Your phone vibrates, jolting you from your thoughts. 

TT: Hey lil man, it’s Dirk.   
TG: no fucking shit  
TG: I know what your number is dipshit youre literally my brother  
TT: Yeah yea. Anyway I had to head to campus to pick up my transcript.  
TT: Aren’t you living in a dorm over the summer or some shit for an internship?   
TT: We could chill for a bit if you’re down.  
TT: Maybe throw some swords around or something. 

Oh, shit. You’d be down to see Dirk and everything, but he can’t fucking come over here. It is so blatantly obvious that you and Karkat are sharing this room. You like, literally plastered the walls in photographs of the two of you, of places you’ve been together, with stupid quotes and inside jokes. All of your shit is intermingled all over the floor and shelves, clothes and books and shoes and trinkets. Not to mention the whole “there’s only a single bed” thing. Yeah, you cannot let Dirk come up here. 

TG: sure bro  
TG: lets meet on campus though my room is stuffy as fuck  
TG: I should prolly walk outside today at some point anyway  
TT: Yeah sure, meet me by the swings or something.   
TT: Is your weird little shouty friend around?   
TT: He and I had a great time hanging out last summer.  
TT: He can come too if you guys want to get like, booze.   
TG: havnet seen him in a few days I’ll see what he’s up to  
TT: Haha okay sure kid. 

See? He already doesn’t fucking believe you and he hasn’t even seen the sex cave. You’ve gotta get the fuck out of here and meet him before he decides to just saunter on over. 

Karkat’s been in the bathroom for like ten minutes with the sink water running, which means he’s pooping and trying to pretend that nope no he’s not that’s not something he does. It’s usually kind of cute, but not when you need to get in there and brush your teeth, like, pronto. 

“Dude I’m coming in emergency” You tell him, just straight up opening the door and walking over to the sink. You try not to look at him because you know he’s embarrassed as hell. 

“Fucking hello? Privacy? Learn about it some fucking time you peeping tom piece of shit. But no, no, I’ve chosen to live with the one asshole who finds my personal time and space to be a total inconvenience that, every day, he finds new and create ways to fuck over.” There’s more to his rant, you feel it coming on. 

“Just take the damn picture and hanging on the Dave Shaming Wall.” You tell him, hoping to get this shit over with sooner rather than later. 

Karkat has commandeered your Polaroid for himself, wearing it around his neck almost all the time. It started off as a joke, as a way to stop you from taking pictures of him and putting them in your totally ironic and also adorable Karkat journal, but then he got really into it and his whole, “Times Dave Disregards Personal Boundaries” wall. This is probably gonna be picture number forty-six or some shit. The Polaroid film has been costing you a fortune, but you don’t bother telling him that. 

He takes the picture and continues to yell, “What the fuck are you in such a rush for, anyway?” 

“Dirk’s on campus. Threatened to stop by if I didn’t hurry my ass up and go meet him. He wants you to come hang out with us if you want to meet us in town in, like, half an hour or some shit. Enough time that it doesn’t seem like we’re living together.” You explain. His face pales. 

“Shit, fuck, there’s no time to brush your fucking teeth, get the hell out there, he can’t stop by, he’ll know, and he’ll tell everyone. What if he demands to see your place later? Oh, fuck, fuck, Dave, this is bad.” Karkat is panicking.

“No, shh, it’s cool let’s just like go into town, get some drinks, and then like go to the city with him. Ask to see his place. Turn this fucking shit around, you dig?” You propose. Karkat nods. 

“Now get the hell out of here I’ll see you soon.” He doesn’t kiss you because he’s still on the toilet. Probably later he’s going to freak out about that boundary being crossed, but, fuck it, when you live with someone for months at a time you’re eventually gonna see them poop. It was inevitable. 

You have no idea how the fuck Karkat does it- you guess he bribed a security guard to give him a ride to main campus- but he’s already sitting with Dirk when you get to the swings. 

“Hey douche nook, I found your bro on campus. Pretty sure I’ve now seen him more frequently than I’ve seen you this summer, asshole.” He shouts at you. Wow, this was actually hella smooth Karkat. Nicely done. 

“Well fuck me for having an important internship. It’s not like you’ve been extra free when I’ve asked to hang out.” You roll your eyes at him. 

“Y’all were attached that the hip last summer. Lovers quarrel?” Dirk grins, completely joking. 

You and Karkat chorus “He fucking wishes” a little too in sync, but Dirk just laughs again. 

You see Karkat on his phone, and then yours starts vibrating. 

CG: FIRST OF ALL YES I AM A GENIUS OF TACT NOW HE DOESN’T EVEN THINK WE’VE SPOKEN TODAY.  
CG: SECOND OF ALL I REALIZED TOMORROW IS THE CONCERT.  
CG: WE SHOULD ASK TO STAY AT HIS PLACE AND GO FROM THERE.  
CG: I HAVE THE TICKETS.

“Yo bro, you up to showing us your place in the city? I want to see what post-grad life is gonna be like.” You ask, real casually. 

“Hell yeah, dude. I should have had you come out sooner, I’ve just been busy with my music shit. You want to tag along too, troll dude?” Dirk asks. 

“Ugh, fuck, fine, I guess I should go be social.” Karkat is good at pretending to complain. You’ve actually never seen him lie before now. He’s so fucking good at it, it’s a little terrifying. 

“You got enough couch space for us to crash there? I’m anticipating getting too drunk to find the train home.” You say. 

“Oh word, no problem. It’s a little tight but y’all should fit.” He agrees. 

“I’d like to state for the record that I fully intend to make it back to my own bed tonight.” Karkat grumbles. Shit, really, the lying is seamless. Why is that making you so hot for him? 

It doesn’t take too long to get to Dirk’s apartment. Now that he’s graduated, he has full access to his trust fund and holy shit he’s using it to rent an apartment in the nicest part of fucking Manhattan. You don’t bother asking how much it costs to live in a one-bedroom brownstone in the West Village because you know it’s got to be absurd. 

It isn’t the biggest apartment, but it’s nice. It’s got enough room for Dirk and all his weapons and music gear and shit. There’s still smuppets and creepy robots everywhere, which you will never fucking understand, but it probably wouldn’t feel like Dirk’s place if that shit was missing. 

“I’d take y’all out on the town, but it’s a Friday night and you’re gonna get carded, especially around here. I’ve got booze though, we can drink and catch up and play some fucking video games.” Dirk suggests, rummaging around in his cabinets for whiskey and glasses. 

“This horse poster looks really fucking familiar. Is this from an Alternian film?” Karkat asks, browsing over all the shitty art lining Dirk’s walls. 

“Oh my god, bro. Is that Equius’?” You ask. It is, it totally fucking is. 

A smuppet hits you square in the jaw. 

“Shut the fuck up, kid. We’re not drunk enough to delve into my love life yet.” 

An hour later, you sure as fuck are. Karkat takes the lead on the interrogation front, because he’s your motherfucking hero. 

“So Equius has been coming over?” He tries to wink all sly, but his reflexes are a little slow and it looks dorky as fuck. 

“Back to this, seriously? Maaan, you guys are relentless. Can’t a bro just hook up with a weird muscle-y horse dude without everyone freaking out about it?” He downs another swig of whiskey as he says it. 

“Are y’all dating or some shit?” You shouldn’t pry, but you’ve honestly been worried about the kid since Jake left him for good. 

“Nah.” 

“Because of Jake?” You ask. 

“Prolly. Whatever dude.” He takes another shot. 

“Fuck man, Egberts.” You laugh, and your bro chuckles with you. 

Karkat shifts uncomfortably, “Wha’s that s’posed to mean?”. 

“Oh, come on Kar, you know Dave here was hot for John for like, his entire childhood. Same with me and Jake. Something about Striders and Egberts.” Dirk grins, not realizing that everything he just said is going to freak Karkat the fuck out. 

“Nah, dude, it wasn’t even like that. I got over John years ago. You’ll be fine without Jake, hands fucking down.” You add on, hoping Karkat doesn’t flip the fuck out. 

“I don’t really see what’s so great about them.” Karkat mutters, clearly butthurt. 

“Of course you don’t, you’re straight.” Dirk rolls his eyes. 

You and Karkat burst into fucking laughter. 

“Uh, are you not straight?” 

“Dirk you’re usually so much better at this shit.” You chuckle.

“Trolls don’t even have a word for gay, most of us will do basically anyone.” Karkat waives his hand. 

“Huh. So, you single, shouty?” Dirk leans in real close to Karkat, and the troll starts laughing. You’re not so sure it’s a joke. 

“Alright, alright, don’t push your new troll kink onto my best bro here, Dirk.” You’re maybe a little overly defensive about it, but Dirk’s too hammered to notice. 

“Pfft, don’t act like I can’t stand up for myself here, Dave. If the Egberts are too nerdy for me, I guaran-fucking-tee the Striders are. You two are the biggest fucking dweebs I’ve ever met. Where’s your bathroom, Dirk? I’ve got to piss.” He stands up and saunters off in the direction your bro points in. You can’t take your eyes off him. Dirk won’t take his eyes off you. 

“You’ve got a thing for him, don’t you lil’ bro?” Dirk elbows you. 

“Man, are we seriously doing this?” You whine. 

“First John, now Karkat. You’ve gotta stop fallin’ for your best bros little man. ‘specially when they aren’t into you.” He ruffles your hair antagonistically. 

“Okay man, fuck you, first of all John was into me, we fucked and everything. I was the one who dumped him.” You correct. 

“And you missed him so much you dated his sister.” Dirk is giddy fucking with you. 

“That is really not how shit went down.” You feel a strife coming on. 

“I don’t see you denying your crush on Karkat.” He pokes you square in the chest. 

“Dude he’s just my friend.” You whine. You really, really don’t want to be having this conversation. 

“Well no shit, he’s clearly not into you. Hey, look at us brother bonding over unrequited love.” His posture relaxes and he flops his back against the futon. 

“How long have you known?” You question. You want to get the low down on just how insightful Dirk is, see if you’re gonna need to try harder to hide your actual relationship from him. 

“Dude you invited him to your top surgery. And Rose said you let him see you in your binder last year.” He pours himself another drink, offers you one, too. 

“Shit. I didn’t even know then.” 

“Yeah, well, you’re a fucking idiot.” 

“Are we talking about how fucking stupid Dave is? I’ve got some good stories for this.” Karkat walks back into the room, flops down in the armchair across from you and Dirk. 

“How about we chill the fuck out on the Dave front and watch some goddamn anime or something.” You growl. 

“Anime?” Karkat questions. 

“Dave, you haven’t made this kid watch anime yet? I’m disappointed little bro.” 

“We’re not all fucking weeabos.” 

“What do we start him on?” 

“Fuck if I know, you’re the anime guy.” 

“Something stupid.” 

“Obviously.” 

“Naruto?”

“Holy shit, yes.” 

You pass out early as fuck, because wow this show is stupid, and you’re drunk, and you always pass out before everyone else. Karkat jostles you awake a few hours later, his cheeks tinged even more red than when you fell asleep. Dirk isn’t sitting next to you anymore, you figure he must have gone to bed. 

“Dave. Fucking wake up, I have words to say to you.” Karkat is trying to whisper. 

“Mm, what up dude?” 

“We were so fucking stealthy tonight. He had no idea about us.” He’s kneeling in front of you, sitting on the floor, smiling his adorable little face off. 

“He thinks I have a fuckin’ crush on you.” You sigh. 

“I’m a better liar than you.” His grin grows. 

“Yeah, what’s with that? You’re like a spy or some shit. Covert boyfriend.” You flick him on the nose. 

“Boyfriend?” 

“Or, whatever, you know.” 

“Yeah, whatever.”

“So, you, uh, enjoying the show?” You try to change the topic, too boozed up and tired to deal with how much you just put your foot in your mouth. 

“The kismesitude between the annoying one and the attractive one is intriguing.” He turns back to the TV, resting his head on your legs. 

“Don’t fall asleep like this Kitkat, Dirk’ll wake up and catch us.” You run your fingers through his hair so he doesn’t think you’re being mean. 

“Fine, I’ll go back to my shitty little chair, way the fuck over here. Don’t worry about me, Dave, I’m not lonely. I didn’t want to make out. It’s totally fucking cool.” He’s moping on the armchair across from you.

“Six hours without a kiss and you’re freaking out. Wait till the concert tomorrow, dork.” You snuggle back down into the futon. 

“Is this what next year is gonna be like?” He says, after a short pause. 

“Nah, it’ll be fine. We’ve got like three weeks before we have to worry about it anyway.” 

You’ve been worrying, too, but Dirk’s apartment is not the place to hash this shit out. You don’t really like hashing shit out at all. You’d rather it just fucking happen, and have everything turn out fine. 

You fall asleep again, but you know Karkat is still awake over thinking shit and watching your brother’s stupid anime. 

“Hey kid.” Dirk’s face is way too close to yours, and there is way too much light coming into the apartment. 

“What time is it?” You ask him, rubbing your eyes. Karkat is, finally, asleep, legs draped over either side of the armchair. 

“Time for me to get to fucking work. Y’all can head out whenever, just lock the door before you go.” Dirk tells you, grabbing an apple out of the fridge before heading out the door. 

You check your phone and it’s actually late as hell. You’ve managed to sleep pretty much all day. Okay, entirely all day. It’s 5pm. You should probably wake Karkat up and grab some grub or you’ll end up missing the concert. 

“Hey, yo, get up dude.” You toss one of your socks at his face. He brushes it away with a grimace. 

“That’s the shittiest way you’ve woken me up in awhile.” He mumbles. 

“We should get food and head across town.” You tell him. 

“I’ve got to take a fucking shower. I’m so fucking hung over.” He tells you, stretching. 

“I’d offer to take one with you but I’m fucking positive bro has cameras set up all over this place for his fucking smuppet business.” You’re being serious, you’ve spotted at least three since you walked in here. 

“Jesus shit your family is fucked up. Give me ten minutes, then we’ll go.” 

It’s hard not to think about him naked while you sit on your ass waiting for him to shower. God damn it. 

You get lunch at a little falafel place halfway between Dirk’s apartment and the concert venue. It’s good and fast and cheap, and Karkat looks cute as fuck with tahini sauce dripping down his chin. 

You weren’t really looking forward to this show. You don’t care for the music, and pretty much everyone else at the concert is under eighteen and female. Karkat is fucking pumped though. More pumped than you anticipated. The second you’re in the venue you see something click behind his eyes, like this is where he really fucking wants to be most of the time. 

“I wanna be in front. Keep the fuck up or I’m leaving you behind.” He’s so cute when he’s being a gentleman. 

It turns you the fuck on the way he can push through a crowd. He’s tiny, but damn. You feel kind of like a dick trailing after him, apologizing to all these people he’s knocked into, but it’s also hilarious and god, god you love assertive douchebag Karkat. You cannot wait to ask him to treat you like this in the bedroom tonight. 

You don’t really pay attention to the concert. It’s not your scene, and literally nothing could be as captivating to watch as the little troll standing in front of you the entire time. He’s screaming his fucking lungs out, you hear him above everyone around you. You’ll never tell him this, but you think he’s got a nicer voice than Gerard. You might be a little biased though. He makes you jump with him, dance to the groovy songs while he sings with his fists above his hands. His forehead is glowing with red-tinted sweat, and he shoved his sweatshirt at you during one of the first songs so it’s just his bare arms pumping above the crowd. 

After the encore, he makes you stand in line to buy a t-shirt and get it signed, too fucking excited to say anything to you besides a repeated “How fucking great was that?”. He practically drags you running back to the train by your wrist. When you get home, he shoves you up against a wall, rough like he’s still fighting back the crowd, and bites at your lip, your jaw, your neck. You’re going to have to buy some fucking makeup to cover that shit up. You don’t have too much time to think about it before he’s fucking you with his tongue, though. You just lean back against that wall and think about how good Karkat looks when he’s rocking the fuck out. 

\----------------------------------------------

You’ve been fucking dreading this day for three months. Not just because it’s your last day alone with Dave, either. You can deal with that. It’s just Dave. You just, you hate moving your shit, which you’re going have to do tomorrow. You have to pick up Tavros from the rehab center, too, move him and all his shit into his new apartment with John and Dave. You guess Terezi will be moving in, too. You’re probably going to get roped into carrying her furniture in, even though she hasn’t officially asked. And on top of all that bullshit, you don’t even get to spend your last day of summer actually having fun with Dave, or by your fucking self. You’re packing. Which really, in this case, equates to hiding all the cool shit you and Dave have accumulated together. Pretending none of that shit never happened. It’s got to be some fucked up metaphor for what’s about to happen to your relationship, too. Fuck this. 

“Karks you know I can hear you mumbling to yourself over there, right?” Dave asks you, taping a box together. He’s putting a little too much effort into it for something that’s just going to be opened again literally tomorrow. 

“Fuck off, like you’re even listening. You’ve been singing your shitty little raps to yourself for forty fucking minutes. Forgive me for wanting to drown that out.” You snap back. 

“So you wanna tell me why you’re in a shitty mood or should I guess or is this something I should just be leaving alone?” He’s tactless, really. 

“I want you to tell me which boxes to put these pictures in, mine or yours?” You huff. 

“Which pictures? Oh shit the Dave Shame wall? Fuck, I really want that, gives me goose bumps and shit.” 

You hop up on the bed to reach them, start pulling them off the wall, tape and all, and tossing them vaguely towards Dave. You see him raise an eyebrow over his shades at you, but oh so fucking kindly ignores your tantrum and goes back to under-his-breath rapping. 

You spend about thirty seconds tossing shit into yet another goddamn box before you feel like you’re going to rip your fucking eyes out. 

“I’m going for a fucking walk.” You announce. 

He turns his head towards you which, when his eyes are covered by his glasses, is the closest to “I’m concerned” his face gets. You shoot him a look that reads “I need some fucking space”, so he looks back to what he’s doing and lets you storm out. 

It’s not like you’re storming out on him. You’re storming out on packing. You’re storming out on these bullshit reminders that you just had an amazing summer. You’re storming out on the realization that your relationship is almost definitely going to come to a crashing end the second the two of you have to start hiding shit from your friends. 

You’re excited to see your friends, too, which makes shit even fucking worse. Half of you is dreading their return, and the other half is telling the first half that you’re a goddamn moron because it’s going to be fucking great playing video games with Sollux and having Tavros actually around again and pretending you don’t totally enjoy the TV dramas that Nepeta and Feferi make you watch. 

You’ve thought about just telling them. Coming clean, being with Dave out in the open. You’ve run through that scenario a thousand fucking times in your head, and in none of them does it end well. You love Dave. You love the way he sleeps in unless you wake him up, and how much he pisses you off, and the way he completely and utterly ignores your personal space. You love the shit he says to himself when he thinks you aren’t listening, and the music he writes, and how much of a complete and utter dork he manages to be at all hours of the day. You love the way he treats you, how he still talks to you like you’re best friends, how he can calm you down by telling you you’re being a complete fucking idiot and hype you up with that infuriating smirk of his. 

You love him but, fuck, you are both so, so similar. You are terrible at relationships, the both of you. You both walk this thin line between obsessive and flighty, and you hate PDA, and you can’t stand for people to know about your business. Neither of you like pressure, you fucking crack under it, but you can’t live without labels. You hate talking about feelings, but shit if you aren’t both half-bursting with them all the fucking time. 

Basically what you’re fucking saying is that one of you assholes is doomed to fuck this thing up, and getting your friends all emotionally involved is only going to make shit worse. You’re going to keep this a fucking secret so that you can draw it out as long as fucking possible before everything goes to hell. 

You don’t spend too long sulking. As pissy as you’re feeling, you want to see Dave. When you get back to the room it’s… totally fucking empty, save for two piles of boxes. 

“Did you finish packing while I was out?” You’re kind of taken aback. There was quite a bit of shit laying around when you left. 

“Yeah you seemed kinda pissed off so I figured fuck, better not deal with that shit. Decided it was more worthwhile to just work my ass off getting this done and then hardcore hang out with you for the rest of the day. Unless you’re still pissed off, then I guess maybe I’ll just abscond out of here and give you space or whatever.” He says. 

“Shut up and fucking cuddle with me or something.” 

Dave wastes no time tackling you to the bed. He kisses you, playfully, ruffling your hair a bit before you find yourself nestled in the crook of his neck staring at your empty room. 

“This looks fucking weird. I hate it.” You motion towards the poster-less walls. 

“You’ve moved out of rooms like a million times at this point, bro. You just fucking packed up your sophomore dorm three months ago.” He breathes into your hair. 

“This is fucking different. Isn’t it bumming you out at all?” 

“I kinda figured this is what you were upset about. Took the liberty of making you a present to chill you out.” He smiles, reaching into his pockets. 

“You made me a present and packed the entire room today?” You ask.

“Nah, I’ve been working on the present for like, awhile. Okay so I figure it’s kind of shitty that we’re going to have to pretend like we’re not dating when we’re around people and shit-“

“Dating?” 

“Well, yeah, I mean, are we not dating?” He’s a little flustered. 

“I don’t know. What does dating even fucking mean for humans?” You don’t want to have this conversation. You’ve been dreading this fucking conversation. He’s not a troll, he doesn’t get troll dating, he doesn’t get quadrants. This is what fucks everything up, this, right fucking here. Shit. 

“I mean, uh, this?” He answers, unsatisfactorily. 

“Nothing that we do falls into any fucking quadrant.” You huff out. 

“Bullshit, stuff we do falls into loads of the quadrants.” He chuckles. 

“You think that’s normal? That it’s just the latest fucking fashion to force someone into all your quadrants like some fucking quadrant slut?” 

“I mean, do you have a problem with it? Would you rather I like, stop pissing you off? Or like only piss you off? I don’t know dude, whatever makes you happy.” He does that thing where he pushes his shades up closer to his eyes. 

“No, that’s stupid. I like shit the way it is.” You roll your eyes. 

“Okay. So what’s that mean.” 

“I don’t know. I’m not the human here, asswipe, you fucking tell me.” 

“I guess we’re boyfriends or some shit.” 

“Like human boyfriends?”

“Yeah.”

“Fine.” 

“Word.” 

“So you got me a present?” You say after a small pause. This conversation is a little fucking awkward. Your heart is beating way too fucking fast, and you feel like you’ve got butterflies, and, shit, you’re happy. You, damn it. You’re happy that you’re Dave Strider’s official fucking boyfriend, even if that’s just a shitty made up human word to describe your quadrant-fuck of a relationship. 

“Right, shit, okay. Where was I? Something about how it sucks dick how we’re going to have to pretend not to be completely fucking into each other? So basically I pulled out all the super romantic stops here and made us both something we can have on us all the time even when our friends are around. Just this amazing little hand crafted secret reminder that we’re, uh, boyfriends.” He takes your hand in his, and drops something inside of it. 

“Woah, Dave, you made these?” You’re holding these two little chains, one with a tiny metal record pendant and the other with… fuck. Is this the symbol of the Signless? 

“I might have done a little poking around into your bloodline and shit. After all your memoirs I just felt like I should. So you go ahead and wear my little record and I’ll wear the sign of your ancestor and it’ll be this cool fucking secret we’ve got.” He takes the one with the record on it and fastens it around your neck and clips the second chain around his own. 

“Do you have any idea how sappy this shit is?” You elbow him, attempting to hide your blush. 

“You fucking can’t get enough.” 

He swoops in above you for a kiss. It’s deep and wet, and his lips are soft against your own. Softer than usual, and they taste a little like cherry. He must have put on chap stick in anticipation of this, the fucking nerd. He’s got one of his hands on the side of your face, lightly digging into your cheekbone with the pads of his fingers.

You move your own hands up into his hair. You love his hair. It’s soft and white, and smells like his ridiculous mint shampoo. He’ll never tell anyone, but he puts product in it to make it stick up the way he wants it to. It gives it this sea-salt texture when you run your fingers through it. Fuck, you love it. 

He’s pulling at the hem of your shirt, and you let him slip it off in between kisses. You move your hands from his head to under his shirt. His torso is so different from your own, skin delicate and soft. His muscles aren’t long like yours, he’s got these little bumps on his stomach that he calls a “six pack”, and his chest scars line these beautiful pectorals. You know he doesn’t have the most feeling there, but fuck, you love running your hands across it, and you think he appreciates how much you dig his surgical reconstruction. 

“Jesus Christ, are you going to take it off or not Karks?” He breathes into your ear. You take his opening to rip his shirt off over his head, and get a head start on working the button on his jeans. You can feel the heat coming off him down there as he grinds down into your leg. 

It’s got your bulge swelling, you feel it teasing at the bone that sheathes it. When you’re done unbuttoning his pants, you move on to your own while he shimmies his jeans off his legs. 

It’s always so fucking hot making out in just boxers. You can’t get enough of your skin sliding against his, hot and sweaty. He’s so fucking good at knowing exactly where you want his hands, how to intertwine his legs with yours in a way that gets your bulge out and thrashing. 

“Dave, let’s do it.” You whine as he moves is mouth down to your throat.

“I mean that’s kind of where I thought this was going.” He laughs into your neck, nipping at your Adam’s apple. 

“No, shut up, I mean the thing we’ve never done before. You, me, my nook.” You growl. He likes it when you make your stupid troll noises at him. 

“Wait, seriously?” He pauses and brings his face up towards yours, moving his shades down to make eye contact. You roll your eyes and paw them off his face. 

“No, I just mentioned it for no fucking reason.” 

“I just know this is important to you dude. Don’t want you doing something just because you’re sad.” He runs a thumb across your cheek. 

“Shut the fuck up, I’m not doing it because I’m sad I’m doing it because I love you.” Oh, shit, fuck, god fucking damn it Karkat. This is why ranting is bad and stupid and why you should learn to shut the fuck up. 

“Oh, cool, I love you too so this shit works out.” 

Woah. He loves you back? 

“You love me and you didn’t fucking tell me?” You don’t mean to pick fights, it just happens. 

“Yup, and you can take that shit out on me while you’re riding my fucking dick.” He smirks at you, gives you a dirty little wink. Ass. 

It’s hot watching him step into his strap on. The harness is, honestly, slutty as fuck, leather and tiny and strap-y. The black of the material against his pale skin is mouthwatering. When he slips the dildo into place, you swear something changes in him. He smiles, not at you, just at himself, like he suddenly feels right, confident, powerful. Shit. You’ve never been so attracted to him. It’s not that you don’t love his nook- holy god, do you love his human fucking nook. But this is new, and he looks so happy, and why the fuck did you wait so long to let this happen again? Something about romance and commitment, it’s hard to remember when he drags you up into his lap and runs his lips from your collarbone to your earlobe. 

“Dave, shi-iit.” It’s all you can make out, rubbing his strap on outside your nook. It’s dripping already, your bulge mashing between your body and Dave’s. 

He moves his hand from your back to your bulge, and then keeps going, fingering at your slit. You grind down on him a little harder, urging him to continue. He slips inside of you, just a single finger. You can’t stop yourself from moaning, just once, just a little. He’s smiling, looking down at you with his forehead pressed against your own. 

“More. Do another one.” You instruct him, breathy. His second finger slides in easily. He stretches them apart, bends them inside of you. It’s good, it is, but your nook isn’t like his. Your g-spot is deeper, it’s your seed flap, way in the back, “Deeper, Dave, fucking deeper.” 

He responds, letting his long fingertips extend all the way into you. Shit. Oh, fuck, when he hits that spot, you swear you see stars. Your bulge has wrapped itself around his wrist, gripping on as tight as it can. He can tell how good you feel, and he’s gloating, you see it in his eyes, but you don’t have the fight in you to be an asshole back to him, not when he’s fingering the most sensitive spot in your body. 

You move your hand down there, grab a hold of his dildo, point it towards you. He pulls his face back from yours a bit and slips his fingers out, giving you the reins to put him inside of you. You do it slow, rubbing his tip around the slick of your slit. He kisses you when it pushes inside, and you moan into his mouth low and deep. 

You know he can’t feel himself inside you, but he smirks like he can. He’s still letting you take control, ease yourself down on him. When he’s in you- completely in you, tip on your seed flap- you literally shiver. 

“Babe, you okay?” He whispers in your ear. You stuff your face into his shoulder, try to calm your breathing. It’s taking a minute to get used to, and it’s a lot of fucking sensation. Nooks are meant for thin floppy bulges not, well, this. But it’s good, it feels good, and moving feels good. 

“Fu-ck, yeah.” You croak out into his neck, teeth sinking into him as you begin to rock your hips. 

It’s slow, the whole time, and you barely move, just kneeling in his lap with his silicone cock inside of you. He keeps his arms around you, holding you as fucking close to him as possible, while you carve rivers in his back with your claws. It feels so fucking incredible, sliding in and out, rubbing constantly against your g-spot. Fuck, fuck it’s good. 

He makes you pause for a minute, to readjust the dildo so the base of it better hits his clit. He ends up cumming first- he always cums first. When he does, loud and high pitched and desperate, he grabs for your bulge and slams up into you, much less gentle than he’d been the rest of the time. It breaks you. Your vision goes black and you know you’re biting him too hard but shit, shit, shit, you have never had a better orgasm in your fucking life. 

When you finally get a fucking hold of yourself, Dave is laughing and kissing your forehead. His neck is bleeding- not too bad, but worse than usual- and you’re both absolutely fucking covered in genetic material. 

“So, was it good for you?” He chuckles, inspecting the bite marks with his fingers. 

“If you fucking brag about this, I’ll never let it happen again.” You threaten. 

“Pretty sure you couldn’t resist feeling that good again, bro.” 

You push him by the face down onto the bed. 

“Wanna shower, nook fuck?” 

“Hell yeah I do.” 

“D’you really love me, Dave? Or was that just to get into my nook?” It’s a pathetic question, you’re fully aware, but you need to know. 

He grips you by the shoulders, big red eyes boring holes into your own, “Karkat Vantas, I am so motherfucking in love with you. I feel like ripping out my goddamn heart every time I look at you. I’d fucking love you for the rest of my life, even if you never fucked me again. I swear. Okay?” 

You… weren’t expecting that. He’s being honest. You know it, you see it written all over his face. He looks like… shit. He looks like you feel. God, you’re both in this shit way too deep. 

“Yeah. Okay. Me too. With the ripping my heart out and shit.” 

“Aw come on that’s the best you’ve got? Aren’t you supposed to be the romance guy?” He giggles. 

“I love you enough to put up with all the bullshit that comes out of your mouth on a daily fucking basis. I even like half the shit you say. Is that romantic enough for you?” You grumble. 

“You have no fucking idea.” 

He kisses you again. 

Neither of you can stop smiling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They finally said the feelings and are o f f i c i a l. Too bad they're little scaredy cat nerds and won't tell anyone about it. But hey, we're about halfway through!!! We've still got a few fun fluffy chapters ahead of us, but brace yourselves for the climax of this tale. Sad times are on the horizon.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> idek so much fluff

“Holy shit TZ, away from the stove, bad idea, blind girl cannot deep fry food.” You grab her by the shoulders and steer the short troll out of the kitchen and away from the splattering oil.

 

“Don’t be such a baby Dave, I had it under control.” She sends you a big toothy grin, but flops down on the couch next to Tavros.

 

“I don’t even have that shit under control. Let John handle his own hot oil. No third degree burns for us.” You toss Tavros the beer you grabbed him from the fridge, and crack your own open.

 

“Are you talking shit about my delicious dinner, Dave? If you don’t like the homemade French fries, you don’t have to eat the homemade French fries!” John calls from down the hall.

 

“Just uh, don’t burn yourself John. The new episode of MasterChef is on tonight we uh, we don’t want to have to take you to the hospital.” Tavros shouts back.

 

“Yeah dude we already have enough interruptions when we have to pause to let Terezi lick the screen.” You add.

 

“Excuse me for wanting to see what’s going on.” Terezi sighs.

 

You’ve only been living with these kids for about a month, but holy shit you’re having a good time. Having your own place with only a few friends is so much fucking nicer than living in a dorm with eight thousand other people. Y’all even have two bathrooms. Two. That’s two people per bathroom. Now if someone steals your fancy conditioner, you know for a damn fact that it’s John. You guys have sectioned off part of the living room with curtains to make a cozy little space for TZ, and decorated the hell out of the place. It feels like an actual home, not just somewhere for y’all to dump your stuff for a year.

 

Classes are going great, too, at least for you. You joined a jazz ensemble course, so you’ve got performances once every few weeks. You’re kind of a huge narcissist so being on stage makes you feel right at home. Karkat convinced you to take an animation class, and you’re actually having a great fucking time with it. Karkat’s doing great, too. He’s taking more writing courses, and you’re trying to pressure him into talking to some of his professors about doing a senior thesis next year. He’s got a great idea for a book, and you really fucking think he should go for it. Shoot for the stars. You’re a little less certain about your own future but, fuck it. You’ll figure it out when it happens. You’re just having fun doing art and music for now.

 

Speaking of, a certain someone is texting you right now.

 

CG: HEY ASSHOLE

CG: I JUST GOT OUT OF WORK

CG: WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING

TG: its wednesday babe you know thats masterchef day

CG: OH JESUS

CG: WHICH ONE OF YOU MORONS IS TRYING TO COOK TODAY

TG: john

TG: hes deep frying

CG: FUCK SHOULD I COME CHAPERONE

TG: nah then youd have to leave after the show and fucking hide out in the hallway until everyone falls asleep

TG: how about you just sneak in after everyone else has gone to bed

CG: FINE

CG: BUT FOR THE FUCKING RECORD I ENJOY SEEING YOU DURING THE DAY TIME TOO

CG: NOT JUST AT MIDNIGHT SECRETLY IN YOUR ROOM

TG: dude I know ok

TG: which uh

TG: fuck so you know how we were supposed to have lunch alone tomorrow

CG: FUCKING DICK BAGS, WHICH ONE OF OUR SHITTY FRIENDS INVITED THEMSELVES ALONG

TG: tz obviously

CG: OH GREAT WONDERFUL PERFECT. THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I WANT, LUNCH WITH MY EX GIRLFRIEND. DON’T WORRY DAVE, I’M SURE ONE DAY I’LL SEE YOU IN THE LIGHT OF DAY AGAIN. WON’T THAT BE GREAT? A KISS UNDER THE WARM RAYS OF THE SUN, GAZING INTO YOUR EYES UNDER SOMETHING THAT ISN’T SHITTY FLORESCENT LIGHTING.

TG: dude come on I know ok

TG: its not like i am having a perfect fucking time with this either

TG: but I think our beautiful night time secret snuggles are better than nothing

CG: YEAH NO SHIT I KNOW THAT

CG: I’M STILL FUCKING FRUSTRATED

CG: JUST LET ME KNOW WHEN I CAN COME OVER TONIGHT

 

“Dave get off your phone it’s starting!” John tells you.

 

“If we can’t pause for me to lick the screen we sure as shit aren’t pausing to catch you up.” Terezi adds.

 

TG: fuck ive gotta go

TG: yeah i’ll hit you up later tonight

CG: UGH

CG: <3

TG: dork

CG: <3<

 

“So who do y’all think is gonna get kicked off tonight?” You ask your roommates.

 

“I hope it’s the one who always wears the heels. She’s so mean to everyone.” Tavros says.

 

“She’s like the best cook, Tav. It’s going to be that Southern guy.” John tells him.

 

“Are you kidding? He starts so much drama, they won’t kick him off yet. It’ll be that quiet chick.” Terezi says.

 

“Guys, great idea. We all place bets on who we think will win at the end of the season. Each throw twenty bucks in right now. If your person gets kicked out, you have to pick a new chef and toss in another twenty.” You suggest.

 

“Fuck yes. Let’s do it!” John agrees. Terezi is grinning next to him, and Tavros nods emphatically.

 

“Okay wait though, what’s that burning smell?” Terezi asks.

 

“Oh shit oh shit oh shit the French fries!” John takes off running into the kitchen.

 

Having an apartment sure is fun, but my god do the four of you prove on a daily basis just how unprepared for adult responsibility you are. You get up to write “zero” on your “days since last kitchen fire” board.

 

Your actual room is rad as hell. It’s huge, giant, almost the size of your place back in Washington. You’ve got a whole section of it dedicated to your turntables and synth and keyboards and random other instruments, so much closet space for your super swag clothes, and you’ve sprung for a king sized bed. You need that shit with Karkat, fucking space hog. Not that he’s been in it as much as you were expecting for him to be. It’s hard to sneak him past Terezi’s makeshift bedroom. Fuck.

 

It’s a damn good thing that you got used to Karkat’s sleep schedule over the summer. Makes it easier to stay up later than everyone in your apartment. That’s exactly what you’re doing tonight, getting ahead on some of your class readings until everyone in your house falls asleep and you can tell your boyfriend to come over.

 

“Dave? Dave, can I come in?” Terezi knocks on your door. Fucking great. It’s already midnight. You’re going to end up having to cancel on Karkat and shit, god damn it, he is going to be so fucking pissed.

 

“What up TZ? Shouldn’t you be sleeping?”

 

She walks into your room, pale and shaking and dressed in nothing but a t-shirt and boxers.

 

“Uh, Terezi, are you okay?”

 

“It’s happening again, Dave.”

 

Oh, fuck.

 

Terezi started having panic attacks when she was in rehab. They haven’t let up. You’ve all been urging her to talk to a psychologist about them, but she’s terrified of ending up back in an inpatient unit.

 

“Hey, come here, it’s okay.” You beckon her over to your bed, and she takes a seat next to you, head between her knees.

 

“Feel my pulse. Am I dying? Dave, fuck, my heart.” She pushes her wrist into your lap. Yeah, her heart’s beating fast, but not dangerously so.

 

“You’re good, TZ. It’s not a heart attack, I promise, alright?” You coo at her. You’re not good at this, you never are.

 

“Then why the fuck are my hands numb? Dave this is literally the worst, I’m dying, I’m fucking dying, I want this to stop, fuck fuck, my arm is so numb.” She’s starting to hyperventilate. You honestly don’t know what to do, how to help her. She always comes to you and you always just make it worse.

 

“Here, come sit by the window, get some fresh air. Deep breaths, alright dude?” You push her over to the opposite side of the bed, where she just kind of curls into a ball and keeps shaking.

 

TG: karkat this is not the text you want

TG: Terezi is having a panic attack again

TG: idk what to do dude im not helping at all

CG: FUCK

CG: I’LL BE RIGHT THERE

He must run across campus and down the street leading to your high-rise building, because he makes the twenty-minute walk in ten. Terezi ends up puddled in his lap, and you just go over to your little music area and let him calm her down in your bed while you play some relaxing music. She asks you for some tea when her heartbeat returns to normal, and cuddles up between you and Karkat in silence. Karkat puts Buffy on your laptop- he swears it’s the best way to distract someone from a panic attack, and you figure he must be right because Terezi is asleep before she makes it through a full episode, snoring into your pillow with you and Karkat on either side of her.

 

“Guess there isn’t going to be any romance tonight.” Karkat says after awhile, peeling his eyes away from the laptop.

 

“Yeah man, sorry.”

 

“It’s whatever. I’m glad she’s asking us for help now.” He frowns.

 

“Hey, you wanna crash here anyway? Just tell her you fell asleep when she did?” You offer.

 

“That’s better than nothing. Maybe we can fucking hold hands above her head or something.” His frown doesn’t let up.

 

“So fucking risqué, god damn babe.”

 

You both settle down next to her. You let your arm wander up above Terezi’s head and ghost your fingertips along Karkat’s wrist. You can’t see him in the dark of the room, but you can feel his smile. It’s the little things that are getting you through the semester.

 

When you wake up in the morning, they’re both gone, and you’ve got a text on your phone.

 

CG: MAYBE WE’LL GET TO ACTUALLY HAVE SEX AGAIN ONE DAY

 

Shit, you hope so.

 

It’s a week later when you decide enough is fucking enough. You are so tired of failing to actually spend any alone time with your boyfriend, and you’re a man with a plan.

 

TG: babe tell everyone youre busy tomorrow night

TG: in the city

TG: tell them you’ve got some important class thing or some shit

CG: WHAT WHY

TG: we’re going on a date

CG: WE’VE NEVER BEEN ON A DATE BEFORE

TG: ok wow throw that in my face

CG: I’M NOT SAYING IT AS AN INSULT FUCK

CG: ALTHOUGH NOW THAT YOU BRING IT UP

CG: YOU’VE BEEN SLACKING STRIDER

TG: ok well prepare to get dated up strider style

TG: this shit is going about to be so fancy

TG: im gonna blow your fucking socks off with romance

TG: romance the hell out of you

TG: dress up real good for me

CG: I’M UNCOMFORTABLE WITH YOU ACTING AS THE DOMINANT ONE IN OUR RELATIONSHIP

TG: jesus of course you are

TG: ok fine so hear me out

TG: I date you up real good tonight and you try to out do me on our next one

CG: YES I AM INTERESTED IN THIS COMPETITION

CG: I’M GOING TO KICK YOUR ASS DAVE

CG: YOU WILL GO ON THE DATE OF YOUR FUCKING LIFE

TG: pft we’ll see if you’re still talking this big after tomorrow

CG: WAIT FUCK ARE YOU DOING THIS BECAUSE YOU’RE SKIPPING DINNER TONIGHT?

CG: OR WHATEVER, FAKE DINNER WHERE WE ACTUALLY JUST HAVE SEX IN MY ROOM

TG: yeah dude sorry

TG: tavros came home while I was eating real dinner

TG: and was all upset after physical therapy

TG: he started up this movie and now im kinda stuck here

CG: FUCKING GREAT

TG: you should come watch with us though

TG: johns already asleep and maybe tz will end up staying with vriska tonight

CG: NO I’M ALREADY SITTING WITH SOLLUX

CG: SINCE THE PLAN WAS FOR YOU TO COME HERE

TG: dude im really sorry

CG: GOOD

TG: youre still fuckin cute and shit

CG: I KNOW

TG: tell me im cute too

CG: NO I’M MAD AT YOU

TG: karkat come on

TG: tell me about how nice this booty is

CG: IF YOU LIKE YOUR ASS YOU’LL SHUT THE FUCK UP RIGHT NOW BEFORE I KICK IT

TG: was that supposed to be a kick my ass joke

TG: kinda weak babe

CG: AND SUDDENLY I’M HAPPY I DON’T HAVE TO PUT UP WITH YOUR SHIT IN PERSON TONIGHT

 

In all honesty, you’re both probably being a bit too paranoid. You had sleepovers with Karkat loads of times before you were actually dating. You have sleepover with plenty of your other friends now. Hell, John’s bed is one door away from yours but you end up falling asleep in the same room all the time. You could totally have Karkat stay in your bed without anyone batting an eye, at least a few times. He’s terrified about people finding out, though. Thinks it’s going to fuck everything up, put too much pressure on you. He’s never said that, but you know it’s what he’s thinking, because you’re thinking it too.

 

You can’t fucking go on like this, though. You haven’t done more than kiss in weeks. You’re going to have to have some sort of strategy session with him during your date tomorrow. Hopefully you romance him so hard that he can’t send himself into a panic and end up dumping you. That’s the goal.

 

When you told him to dress up, you really fucking meant it. You’ve got yourself decked out in your fancy as fuck black suit, hair gelled into a neater flop than usual. You’re driving the car that John brought back from Washington this summer, under the ruse that you’ve got a big show related to your completely fake summer internship lined up. You’ve also managed to convince everyone to definitely not be around when you pick Karkat up from his dorm room.

 

You thought he’d be impressed by the single rose you bought him, but when you knock on his door he just sort of rolls his eyes and tosses it onto the bed.

 

“I see you went with ‘completely cliché’ for the theme of our date.” He mumbles. He’s not dressed up as much as you, which you sort of planned for.

 

“Nice pants, Karks. Slacks really show off that ass.” You wink at him.

 

“Am I supposed to be wearing a suit, or are you just being ridiculous?” He asks.

 

“I’ve got a blazer for you in the car, don’t worry.” You kiss him on the cheek, quickly, just in fucking case someone happens to be lurking.

 

“We’re driving? Oh, fuck, whatever, let’s just get out of here before someone sees.”

 

It’s not a long drive, not until you hit the actual traffic of the Manhattan city streets. You made a nice little mix tape of romantic songs for the drive in, but the second R Kelly comes on Karkat starts smashing at the radio. He tells you he’s leaving the Spanish station on for punishment, but you’re pretty sure he’s just into the Latin music, even if he can’t understand it. He looks flustered as fuck when you start singing along to one of the songs.

 

“You speak Spanish? How the fuck has this never come up before?” He turns down the station a bit, glaring at you.

 

You send him a big smile, “Some boyfriend you are. You don’t even know my ethnicity? I’ve got your whole Signless ancestry on lock but you never took the time to figure out I’m Latino?”

 

He starts muttering some incomprehensible shit under his breath.

 

“I’m just kidding bro, I know we’ve never talked about it before. Plus I look hella Caucasian with the whole albino thing. No worries man.” You pat him on the shoulder.

 

“I forget there’s more to human culture than just families. It’s very complicated, Dave. The blood caste system makes much more sense.” He tells you.

 

“You literally hate the blood caste system.”

 

“Still makes more sense. So, are you going to tell me about your human culture shit or do I have to drag it out of you?” He sounds annoyed, but he takes one of your hands off the steering wheel and laces his fingers around yours.

 

“Actually don’t have much information there, dude. You know I don’t really remember my shitty parents. All I know is, they spoke Spanish, so Roxy and Dirk taught it to me and Rose. Learned it before English, actually. Or at least around the same time. Roxy is pretty invested in chasing down our specific origins but hasn’t gotten too far.” You tell him.

 

“Does it ever bother you that you don’t know?”

 

“Bothers me more that I don’t know my parents.”

 

His grip on your hand tightens.

 

He doesn’t say anything when you pull up next to the Ritz-Carlton, or when you hand the valet guy a hundred to park your car. He just sort of shuffles along beside you, giving you suspicious looks when you go up to the front desk and check into a room. He carries the suitcase you packed for the two of you silently in the elevator. Not one word comes out of his mouth until you’re sitting in your eight-hundred dollar room, looking out over the view of Central Park. Then he lets you fucking have it.

 

“Are you kidding me right now Dave? How the shit much did you spend on this? I don’t need this shit, I’m not some fucking princess, you know I would have been happy eating out of a food truck and making out on the train on the way home. This is too much.” He looks angry, or embarrassed, or both.

 

“It’s fine dude, you know I’ve got money. You’ve never gotten to do shit like this before, thought you’d have a good time with it.” You reassure him.

 

“This is insane. Have you seen the bathroom Dave? There’s a soaking tub. And a separate shower. Who needs that?” He’s poking around the hotel room like a little kid, it’s fucking adorable.

 

“This isn’t even the big surprise babe, just fucking wait. You’ve got a choice right now though. We have an hour before we have to head out on the town for my mystery event. You wanna make out all over this hotel room, or head down to the bar for the fanciest fucking wine you’ll ever have?” You send him the sexiest smoldering look you can muster over you shades, the one that always makes him snort and call you a nerd.

 

He doesn’t do that tonight. He snakes a hand around your neck and leans you down towards his face. It’s been so fucking long since you’ve had a good uninterrupted make out, and fuck does it feel good.

 

And then he stops.

 

“Uh what’s up dude?” You raise an eyebrow.

 

“I don’t want to ruin your fancy fucking date with preemptive sex. If you want to spend money on me, fine. Let’s do this shit right. Buy me some wine. Expensive wine. The most expensive wine on the menu.” He bares his teeth at you like it’s a threat. Fuck, it turns you on.

 

You have two glasses of wine each, sitting across this fancy fucking table laughing at all the actually rich people around you. Well, okay, technically you’re actually rich, but you aren’t one of these creepy finance guys. You’re just a trust fund kid trying to make it as an artist. Much better.

 

Karkat protests when you pay the bill and drag him out of the bar- turns out he really likes fancy wine. You’ll have to remember that for your late dinner. But right now, a horse-drawn carriage awaits. Literally. You’re taking a horse-drawn carriage.

 

“Are you kidding me right now? I feel ridiculous, Dave.” He’s just standing on the sidewalk pointing at your fine ride as you extend a hand to help him inside.

 

“Dude, for the irony.”

 

“Nothing about this is ironic. You’re just reenacting a stupid trope from all the romantic movies I make you watch.” He’s complaining, but let’s you put an arm around him inside the carriage.

 

“That’s why it’s ironic. For me. You’re loving this shit in a serious way. It’s cool.” You kiss the tip of his horn.

 

“Where are we headed, hot shot? Or is this the big surprise?” He shifts the topic.

 

“The ballet.”

 

“The ballet?”

 

“The ballet.”

 

“Why the fuck are we going to watch humans prance around on a stage?”

 

“No, don’t worry, you’re going to love it. Watching you practice with your sickles reminds me of the way ballet dancers move. Besides, it goes alone with the theme of the evening.” You’re trying not to get too turned on by the hand he absent-mindedly placed on your thigh.

 

“We’d better have good seats.” He’s just being a dick, but you flash him the tickets.

 

“Orchestra? Are you kidding me? Holy shit you’re insane.” He looks at you like you’re nuts for a minute, and then kisses you.

 

You know he feels uncomfortable in the theater. He’s one of the only trolls there, and definitely the only troll not sitting in the nosebleed seats. You put a protective arm around him as you walk in, and don’t take it off him as you take your seats in the tenth row. You’re getting some looks from some old jackasses, but fuck them. You’re out to have a nice time with your Alternian boyfriend and if they don’t like it they can literally fight you.

 

You’ve been to a lot of ballets before. She’ll never tell anyone, but as a kid Rose was very into dance. She claims Roxy forced her into it, but you remember how much Roxy hated those damn tutus. You may or may not have been dragged along to classes with her. “Twins do stuff together”, Dirk always poked fun at you. You were good at it, so fuck him. But yeah, since you were like six the whole Strider family got carted around to professional dance performances by Rose who just wanted to see what she’d look like when she was all grown up (you bet five bucks that short curvy lesbian never crossed her mind back then).

 

The NYC Ballet is great though, even in comparison to all the shows Rose brought you to back in the day. That, or the reaction of your boyfriend makes it seem better. He’s just as into it as you wanted him to be. Half the reason you brought him to this ballet in particular is the male troll dancer they just let in to the corps. He’s mostly in the back, but Karkat hits you in the leg every time the dude walks on stage. He tells you during intermission that it’s the highest position he’s ever seen a troll in on Earth, at least in person.

 

When the show is over, he blabbers on and on about how great it was, how the troll should have been the male lead, how you were totally fucking right it reminds him of sickle arts, too. You hold his hand for the ten block walk back to the hotel, and ask him what kind of food he wants for dinner. He slams you into the empty elevator, answers “room service”, and sticks his hand down your pants.

 

The sex is blinding. It’s hot, it’s passionate, it goes on all night. You make love to him in the bed, in the tub, in the shower, up against the window overlooking Central Park. You order food in between orgasms and pay for ridiculous porn on the hotel TV. He calls you stupid, and idiot, inferior to his troll prowess. You kiss the hell out of his thighs and his face, and you make an ass of yourself trying to casually tell him how much you like him without losing your calm cool composure.

 

It’s perfect. It’s the perfect fucking night. You know it’d have been just as great without all the money and fancy bullshit, but Karkat has had such a not-even-funny hard life. He deserves to have nice shit and a bed that feels like clouds and a view that kind of makes you want to cry. You can’t wait till you get access to your full trust fund so you can treat him like this every fucking day.

 

You realize that won’t be for another two years.

 

You realize you still want to be with him then.

 

You realize you kind of want to spend the rest of your life with him.

 

You realize you kind of want to marry him.

 

 

You’re too afraid to tell you’re friends you’re dating him, but you want to marry him.

 

Man, he’s right, you are an idiot.

 

\----------------------------------------

 

When Dave took you out on his date, you were planning on having some big drawn out conversation about not being able to handle how little you saw him, about how miserable it made you every time one of you had to cancel for the sake of one of your friends. You were planning on asking him if this shit was even worth it, if he actually loved you enough to stick through all this bullshit for as long as you were going to drag it out for. And then he took you on the date. And, yeah. Yeah, you both didn’t have to say shit, it’s obviously all worth it.

 

You’ve been trying harder to act less fucking weird since then. Just go and have a fucking sleepover, even if your friends know it’s happening. You spent two years doing that non-sexually with him, they aren’t going to think anything new is up. It’s been better. Much fucking better. You don’t spend your whole day wondering when the fuck you’re going to see Dave anymore, or nights pouting that some bullshit came up. You just fucking hang out with him like a normal person.

 

Of course, this means you’ve gotten awfully close to getting caught. More times than you’re comfortable with.

 

The first time is just after a big Halloween party. Everyone is hammered and hanging out on main campus. You all even managed to convince Tavros and Terezi to dress up and go out. Meaning Dave’s apartment is completely empty. It’s been a dream of yours to make out on his balcony. It’s huge and romantic and on the eighth floor, and usually Terezi is out there smoking with Vriska. But not tonight. Tonight it’s just you and Dave and the crescent moon hanging over your heads.

 

You have his top off and his back pressed against the railing when you hear keys jingling inside.

 

“Fuck fuck, Dave, stop, someone’s coming home.” You step away from him, his growls of disapproval not missing you.

 

“Yes! I thought you two came back here! Vris, come on, I found them!” Terezi pokes her head out the balcony door seconds after you tear yourself off Dave. Vriska joins her immediately after.

 

“Where’s your shirt, Dave? Is that lipstick on your neck?” She asks.

 

Shit. Shit, you’re wearing lipstick for your stupid costume, the lipstick that is very clearly all over Dave. You need to create a distraction, now.

 

“Vriisk-y, ha ha, TZ, what’s –hic- goin’ on?” You feign being a hell of a lot more drunk than you actually are and stumble towards the girls. They’re still looking at Dave’s neck. You have to step this up.

 

You have no idea how you manage, must be the fucking nerves mixing with the mystery punch, but you on-fucking-cue vomit right at their feet. Now they’re looking at you. Nice.

 

“Uh, Karks?” Dave puts a hand on your shoulder. Okay, so maybe you freaked him out too. Maybe anxiety vomiting to hide your relationship wasn’t the best idea. It sure did happen though.

 

“C’n I jus’ sleep ‘ere?” You do a little more stumbling, hope he gets the picture.

 

“Shit, yeah, here, you can pass out in my bed. TZ, will you grab a trash can in case he hurls again?” He actually takes you into his arms and plops you into bed, Terezi trotting after him with a trash bag.

 

“You need help with him, cool kid? I’ve dealt with a lot of way-too-fucked-up Karkat in my time.” She says to Dave. You try your best to pretend her bringing up your out of control high school days doesn’t sting a little bit.

 

“Nah, I got it. You brought Vriska over, go have fun with her. You can’t see me, but I’m winking at you. About the having fun thing. Kiss the girl, TZ.” Dave laughs.

 

“Shut up, it’s not like that.”

 

“I’m so sure that it’s a weird troll quadrant thing, but I’m also so sure she wants to mack on you.” He winks again, like he’s already forgotten she’s blind.

 

“We’ll see, alright? Don’t die, Karkles. Night, Dave.” The second she’s out of the room, Dave is at your side rubbing your forehead.

 

“Babe, are you okay? I didn’t know you were drunk, fuck, I’m sorry Karkat.” He looks legitimately worried. You brush his hand away.

 

“It was an act, dumbass. Or did you not want me to sleep over tonight?” You smirk, proud that your plot worked.

 

“You just vomited on command.”

 

“What, you can’t?”

 

“That is so gross and so cool. Do it again.”

 

“Ew, Dave, stop, that’s disgusting, I’m not going to vomit for your entertainment.”

 

“Wanna just make out then?”

 

You smash your mouths together before thinking about it, and pull away immediately.

 

“Oh shit I taste like vomit, don’t I?”

 

“Yup, okay, wow, gross, I hated that, let’s never do that again.”

 

“Let’s go brush our teeth. I’ll put the drunk act back on, you can carry me to the bathroom and say I’m throwing up again.”

 

“You seem to be all about plans that involve me carting you around, Kar.”

 

“Maybe I am.”

 

You get so into your argument about it that you end up having sex with vomit-mouth.

 

Two weeks later, his apartment is empty again. Terezi and Vriska went off to take Tavros to physical therapy, and John is in class.

 

“Balcony?” You ask him.

 

“Nah, I just came from the gym, I really need to shower.” He responds.

 

“No. Oh no no no, we had this conversation last year, you’re not winning our bet Dave.” You argue back.

 

“First of all I don’t remember inviting you to join me. Second of all, no one’s even here jackass.”

 

You obviously end up making out with him in the shower. You make him cum twice before he pulls you off of him and tells you he really does want to wash his hair.

 

“You have a lot of hair products. I mean, I always knew you did, but actually watching you put them in is really eye opening.” You tease him.

 

“Karkat, you literally have hot pink hair. You’ve had hot pink hair for two years. You do not get to weigh in on how much is too much hair product.” He slathers some conditioner in your hair to prove his point.

 

“I’ve been thinking about dying it back.”

 

“Woah, really?”

 

“What? You wouldn’t like it black? Because that’s not really your fucking decision.”

 

“Holy shit calm down. I liked you when your hair was black, too, it’d just be different.” He slaps your ass to comfort you.

 

“You… liked me? Like, wanted me naked in the shower with you liked me? Freshman year?” Oh fuck yes, you are going to make fun of him so hard.

 

“Wait, shut up, did you hear that?”

 

“Don’t play that game with me, you aren’t getting off that easy-“

 

He shoves a hand over your mouth, “No, actually, someone’s here.”

 

The bathroom door opens. Shit.

 

“Dave?” It’s John. Fuck.

 

“Uh, yeah dude?” Dave sounds nervous as fuck. You send him a silent ‘get your shit together’ look.

 

“I have to tell you what just happened, I think there’s some major drama going on and I’m not really sure what to do about it.” He whines. You hear him hop up on the sink.

 

“Can we do this later? I’m feeling like shit after the gym dude.” Dave asks.

 

“No, Dave, this is serious. I walked in on Sollux making out with Feferi. Aradia comes back in a month, she’s going to freak out. She and Feferi are best friends, or they were, and there’s no way she knows about this.” John blurts out. Dave’s eyes go all wide and he looks at you. You scrunch up your face apologetically. You already knew about this. Sollux told you, obviously. Which, okay, makes you feel a little guilty about the fact that you’re hiding in a shower with Strider right now, but whatever.

 

“Shit dude. Did they say anything to you?” Dave asks.

 

“They asked me not to tell anyone.” John laughs.

 

“So you came here and told me?” Dave points out.

 

“Oh. Oops. I guess I got a little over excited. Okay, okay, I’ll let you finish your shower. Talk to you in a bit.” John closes the door.

 

“Fuck that was close.” You whisper.

 

“Guess we learned that John is not someone we should confide in, though.” He whispers back.

 

“How the fuck am I supposed to get out of this bathroom without him seeing?” You ask.

 

“Fuck. Shit. Oh, okay, I’ve got it. John! John! Hey, John!” Dave calls, papping you on the face when you look concerned.

 

“What up?” He pokes his head back in the door.

 

“I will owe you so hard if you run across the street and grab Chinese food for me. My wallet’s on the kitchen table.” Dave is a genius, you’re dating a genius.

 

“Yeah, sure! You need to take it easy at the gym, Dave, I know it’s been a year since your surgery but-“

 

“Dude, it’s fine, just pulled a muscle or something. Oh, wanna get enough food for Karkat? He’s coming over soon. You’ll probably run into him on your way down if you want to let him in.” You’re so attracted to Dave and his amazing lying mouth right now.

 

“Oh, awesome! He barely hung out with us at the beginning of the semester, I thought you two were pissed at each other or something.” John says.

 

“Nah, I think he’s just been busy.” Dave winks at you. You grab his crotch in retaliation.

 

“Okay, I’ll be back in twenty.” John closes the door again.

 

“Fuck Dave, you’re thinking quick on your feet today.” You tell him, running your claws down the side of his face.

 

The door opens again.

 

“Did you say something Dave?” John calls.

 

“Uh, nope, no, just rapping.” Dave stiffens.

 

The door closes.

 

You and Dave wait a good five minutes in panicked silence before breaking into laughter and running off into his room. You have to steal Terezi’s hair dryer, just in case John finds it suspicious that your hair is wet, too.

 

After those two incidents, the two of you decide to take a little break from hooking up in Dave’s trap of an apartment. The only issue is you’re in a dorm with Sollux. Even though you both have your own rooms, he stays awake in the common area basically always, unless he’s making out with Feferi, but half the time they do that out in the open anyway. Not to brag, but your secret relationship is a hell of a lot more secret than theirs.

 

Regardless, this means Dave has to sneak in through your window. Your second story window. You have to drop a rope down and tie it to your bedpost, and he uses it to climb up like he’s on a mountain or some shit. He makes a lot of Rapunzel jokes. It pisses you off.

 

It seems like a complicated system, but it’s actually a hell of a lot easier sneaking him in to your place than it was sneaking you into his. He stays over a few times a week. Tonight is, unfortunately, not one of those nights. You’re hanging out in your room alone getting some writing done for your nonfiction class when Sollux knocks on your door.

 

“Hey Karkat, can I talk to you?” He’s using his mopey tone of voice, the one he only whips out when he wants to bitch about his lady troubles.

 

“Is this about Feferi again? I’ve already told you what a complete jackoff you’re being. Do we need to get more into this?” You sigh.

 

“I’ve been talking to AA.”

 

“Oh, fuck, Sollux, no.”

 

“I think she wants to get back together when she gets here.”

 

“No, Sollux, are you fucking with me right now? You have spent the past year bitching to me about how awful she was for disappearing without any warning. Which, by the fucking way, I have told you a million times is not something you can be pissed at her about. You know how impossible it is for a troll to get an internship like that. You know how smart she must be to have gotten permission to cross the border. And then you started banging her best friend, who you are now going to dump for her?” You are so fucking annoyed with him right now.

 

“Thanks for being a supportive friend, asshole.” He lisps.

 

“What, you want me to tell you this is all going to end well? That Aradia is going to be chill as fuck when she finds out you’ve been down low fucking Feferi? That Feferi isn’t going to knock your lights out? Oh, shit, Eridan is going to murder you when he finds out you broke her heart.” You’re probably being a little too mean, but he’s actually being a straight up douchebag here.

 

“You’re just salty because your ex is vacillating with Vriska, and your crush is obviously fucking someone else.” Sollux snaps back at you.

 

“My crush? Who the fuck are you talking about?” He’s got you shaking now.

 

“We all know you’ve got your bone bulge twisted up over Strider. He’s fucking someone else, Karkat, haven’t you seen the marks all over his neck? So don’t get pissy with me just because your own romantic life is a hell hole.” Sollux is so good at yelling without ever raising his voice.

 

“God, I’m not hot for Dave. I’m sorry I don’t agree with the way you’re treating your matesprits right now, Sollux, but Jesus shit. You’ve got four quadrants, stop putting every girl you meet in the same one.” You, however, are great at yelling.

 

“Coming from the guy who put Terezi in all of his quadrants, yeah, okay. Nevermind KK, I’ll figure this shit out on my own.” He storms out of your room.

 

CG: SOLLUX

CG: WE’RE STILL FRIENDS, RIGHT?

TA: 2hut up iidiiot

 

Yeah, you are.

 

So. Sollux thinks you have a crush on Dave. Or everyone thinks you have a crush on Dave. That’s not the best.

 

CG: SO APPARENTLY WE’VE BEEN DOING A SHITTY JOB AT COVERING UP THE BITE MARKS ON YOUR NECK

CG: EVERYONE THINKS YOU’RE GETTING LAID

CG: AND THAT I’M BEING MOPEY ABOUT IT

TG: little do they know its actually getting you off

CG: YEAH OK WE BOTH KNOW YOU LIKE IT MORE THAN I DO

CG: FUCKING MASOCHIST

TG: I guess if people are noticing we should be a little more careful huh

TG: who do they think im fucking though

TG: someone cute

CG: NOT ME

CG: SO NO

TG: narcissist

CG: WHATEVER

CG: OH ALSO SOLLUX IS GOING TO DUMP FEFERI

CG: SO YOU SHOULD PREPARE TO CONSOLE HER

TG: youre gonna have to stop eridan from straight up murdering sollux for making her cry

CG: I KNOW

TG: maan

TG: if were gonna be busy dealing with our friends bullshit for the next few weeks

TG: I should prolly just come by tonight afterall

CG: YEAH OKAY

CG: I ACTUALLY HAVE HOMEWORK TO DO THOUGH

CG: SO BRING SOMETHING TO ENTERTAIN YOURSELF

TG: laame

 

Sollux wastes no time making questionable romantic choices. He breaks up with Feferi the next day. Dave, John, and Nepeta spend the entire night in her room with ice cream and movies and a bunch of girly bullshit. You stop reading Dave’s texts, it’s all very boring.

 

Eridan quite predictably shows up at your place, angry and looking for a fight. You might be a bit of an asshole for actually letting him in, but you’re kind of on his side here.

 

“Hey asshole, what the fuck is wrong with you?” Eridan is standing in your common room, screaming at Sollux who hasn’t looked up from the TV once. You’re standing in your doorway, watching it all go down.

 

“I don’t know why you’re so upset, Ampora. Now she’s free for you again.” Sollux’s tone sounds bored.

 

Eridan grabs him by the shirt, drags him up to eye-level. You’re so sure that he thinks it’s threatening, but you’re having a hard time not laughing at the small royal blood attempting to manhandle your much taller friend.

 

“Listen here, fucker, Feferi is a princess. Literally. She deserves so much better than you. You are scum, you are fish chum. I should gut you right here for hurting her.” Eridan sneers.

 

Sollux fingers at his glasses, “You couldn’t hurt me if you tried.”

 

“You owe her an apology. How do you not feel bad about this dickwad?” Eridan pushes him back onto the couch.

 

“We were never matesprits, Jesus. Have you even talked to her? We’re still friends. She knows I’ve been in love with AA the whole time. We were both just trying to get through some tough shit together.” Sollux tells him.

 

“What tough shit did she need to fucking talk to you about?”

 

“I don’t know hot shot, you?”

 

Eridan actually seems taken aback, “W-what did she need to say about me?”

 

“How about how shitty you treated her? You’re being a huge fucking hypocrite here.”

 

Eridan looks straight at you. Shit.

 

“Karkat, is this true?”

 

“No, no, no. I’m not getting involved in this bullshit. No, Eridan, stop, get out of my room. What the fuck dude? Get out! Fuck, Sollux, I blame you for this, come collect your trash from my room” You do not want to deal with Eridan’s feelings right now, goddamn it.

 

“Good luck, KK.”

 

“Karkat, come on, just come sit with me and talk this out.”

 

CG: DAVE I FUCKING HATE OUR FRIENDS

TG: haha really

TG: im havin the best time with fef and nep right now

CG: I HATE YOU TOO

TG: aw babe thats so sweet <3<

CG: STOP STOP STOP

TG: <3   <3<   <>

TG: wait how do i do the other one

CG: I’M NOT TELLING YOU

TG: babe how do i accurately represent the nature of our relationship via text if i cant emoji you all the quadrants

CG: I’M TURNING OFF MY PHONE

CG: YOU ARE THE WORST

CG: NEVER CONTACT ME AGAIN WE’RE BREAKING UP

TG: love you too dude

CG: IT’S o8< BY THE WAY

TG: so romantic

CG: SHUT UP

CG: BUT YEAH I LOVE YOU TOO

CG: ASS

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> too much fluff


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this took so so long and im sorry, but my (dying) computer deleted it halfway through and i had to rewrite the whole thing >.

Not that you’re bragging, but you chose your classes stupidly well this semester. You don’t have a single conference paper to write, it’s all art projects and music performances. No tests, no essays, no bullshit. You’re essentially the king of college. Unfortunately, all of your friends are up to their asses in papers, or are Terezi and Tavros who get extra upset when you guys talk about school around them. 

You try not to do your art projects around the two of them. Terezi loves your comics, but she likes to get a little too involved in your creative process. Tavros is just miserable that he had to take the semester off and cannot stand to see any of you doing work. You don’t blame him, but you’re glad you and John have convinced him to come back in the Spring. You’ve even promised to only sign up for classes that work with his schedule, so you can drive him to and from class and help him out with his wheel chair. 

As for now, you do your art on campus. Sometimes you go to Nepeta’s studio and work with her, but she’s been busy as hell trying to cheer Feferi up. She also spends a good amount of time hanging out with Tavros, pushing his wheelchair around slightly faster than he’s comfortable with. So tonight, you’re in Karkat’s common room, finishing up the last few pages of your comic. You’re a little worried they won’t translate so well when you have to print them out and turn them in, but it’s too late to change anything major now. 

Karkat, on the other hand, is ass deep in books. His nonfiction class has him doing insane amounts of research on the specific policies surrounding the various treaties political parties on Alternia have with Earth governments. You were originally working in his room with him, but you’re apparently a “nosy, loud, lazy distraction” and got banished to the common room. On the bright side, there’s a TV out here, and you’ve been meaning to catch up on your Netflix Original Series. 

“Dave, are you still here? Go home, holy shit.” Sollux stumbles out of his room, Eridan in tow, at about two in the morning. 

“Fuck off dude, have you seen this show?” You point at the TV. 

“Oh, Sol, I thought this show would be terrible, it’s about the low class jail scum on Earth, but it’s actually quite heart warming and informative.” Eridan grabs the glass of water Sollux has poured for him, and plops down on the sofa next to you. 

“Please, Eridan, try to sound more classist.” Sollux says sarcastically. He sits down on the couch anyway. 

“Don’t you two hate each other or some shit? Why are you even over here Eridan?” You ask them. They shift next to you, uncomfortably. “Oh, shit, you do hate each other. In the troll way. Got it”. Gross. 

“What season are you on? I’ve watched the first one.” Sollux changes the subject. 

“Word, this is only the second episode of season two.” You tell him. You don’t miss the way Sollux slides his arm around Eridan’s shoulders. Fuckin trolls. 

None of you notice the sun coming up, you’ve got your faces glued to the TV. You make it through an entire fucking season, and no one complains when you casually press the “continue watching” button for the third season. Except Karkat. Who is just waking up. 

“What the fuck? Have you guys not gone to bed?” He comes out of his room rubbing his eyes. From the size of the bags under his eyes, you’d guess he passed out on top of his pile of books for maybe an hour.

“Dude you’ve been bugging me to watch this for weeks, come on, you’ve got a little while before class, watch an episode with us.” You call him over. Eridan and Sollux shift closer together so you’ll all four fit on the couch. 

“Only if you proofread my essay while we watch it.” 

“Deal.” 

You and Eridan read the essay through together, sitting next to each other. It’s fifty pages long and takes the entire episode to get through. Karat and Sollux are both passed out on your respective shoulders by the time you’re done. It’s awkward for a minute, once you’re done reading. Eridan is the one who finally breaks the silence. 

“Is he into you or something?” He whispers at you, pointing a thumb at your secret boyfriend. 

“Uh what.” Play dumb, Dave. Play fucking dumb. 

“Just seems like you have a moirail thing going on.” He clinks all the rings on his fingers together, waiting for your answer. 

“Nah dude, don’t even know what that shit would entail. What’s up with you and this fucking dude though?” You tilt your head towards Sollux. 

“We already discussed this.” He rolls his eyes. 

“The spades shit? No way, bro, the hate quadrant does not encompass watching romantic lesbian TV and falling asleep together.” You shake your head. 

“Thought you didn’t know anything about the quadrants.” 

“Alright, let’s just watch the end of the fucking episode.” 

You may or may not have just entered into an agreement with Eridan fucking Ampora to not say jack shit about both of your completely obvious secret relationships. On the bright side, you haven’t slept in over thirty-six hours so you don’t have the mental capacity to freak out about it. All four of you end up missing your morning classes, passed out on the sofa next to each other. 

When you wake up, Karkat in a panic to get to his second lecture and Sollux eager to continue his nap in his own bed, Eridan pulls you off to the side while they’re both distracted with their own bullshit. Apparently you’re bros now. Great. 

“I know you’ve been talking Fef through this breakup stuff, Dave.” He begins, hands in his pockets. 

“Dude, okay, I am not telling you shit that she’s talked to me about, that’s way over the line.” You stop him. 

“No, it isn’t about her. Aradia’s comin’ back today, and I guess, I just was wondering what you thought that might mean for me.” He sounds exasperated as fuck. 

You literally have to choke back a laugh, “Holy shit, you’re actually into Sollux aren’t you? Maybe you should talk to Karkat about this shit, this is so not my game, wow dude, like total three-sixty off the deep end here.” 

“This is serious, human, be a little quieter. I thought we had an understanding here. You give me advice and I don’t go blabbing to Karkat about your feelings for him.” Eridan threatens. You laugh again. 

“Bro are you blackmailing me with feelings I don’t even have?” 

“What the fuck do I do when Aradia comes back, Strider?” He’s seething. This is almost as fun as getting Karkat all riled up. Almost. Eh, almost almost. 

“You’ve gotta chill out, bro. You’re in spades with him right now, so you can’t go acting like you’re in hearts or whatever. Aradia’s not going to get back together with him. She’s gonna kick his ass.” You roll your eyes. 

“He fucking deserves it.”

You raise an eyebrow. 

“Well, he was an ass to her. I know that. What if she hates him, though? What if he kicks me right out of kismesitude with him to be with her?” He whines. 

“Then you can make your matesprit move? I don’t know, man. Seriously, you should ask Karkat about this shit. He’s good at it.” You advise. 

“Sounds like you know from experience.” He’s trying to get you to admit to something that you fully plan on denying for the rest of your natural life. 

“Yeah man, I do, he talked me through my breakup with Jade way back when. Solid advice. And, get this, he cares so much more about this shit than I do. So. Fuck off?” 

“You really think I should talk to Karkat about matespritship?” 

“Sure, whatever.”

You’re ready to be done with this conversation. 

He lets you walk away. 

You’re in your last class of the day when you remember- Eridan totally fucking kissed your boyfriend. Almost a year ago, at Spring Formal, the night that Karkat told you he wanted to have sex with you. And you just told him to talk about romance with Karkat. God. Damn. It. 

TG: dude i might have accidentally suggested that eridan make a move on you  
TG: or not idk man i guess it depends on how he took my advice   
CG: IS THIS YOUR WEIRD WAY OF ASKING FOR A THREESOME  
CG: BECAUSE I AM NOT INTERESTED  
CG: I’M ALSO A LITTLE CONCERNED THAT AMPORA IS YOUR TYPE  
TG: bro im hurt  
TG: that you really think id stoop so low   
CG: HE WAS BITCHING ABOUT SOLLUX WASN’T HE  
TG: yup   
TG: didnt know you knew  
CG: I LIVE A WALL AWAY FROM SOLLUX’S BED  
TG: oof  
TG: point taken   
TG: alright my professor is giving me dirty looks ill talk to you later

The actual Aradia situation goes about as well for Sollux as you’d imagined it would. Karkat has a front row seat to their entire argument and live-texts you the whole time. From the bits he’s overheard, you gather that Feferi got to Aradia before Sollux did, came clean about the whole thing. The actual conversation with Sollux is, apparently, less of a fight and more of a “who can pretend to care the least” battle of passive aggression. She calls you when it’s all over, asks to hang out at your place. She’s not crying when she gets there. She just looks pissed. 

“Should I be this mad?” It’s the first thing out of her mouth, before she’s even crossed through the doorway. 

You lead her out to the balcony, hand her a cigarette, “I don’t know, Megido.” 

“You smoke now, Dave?” She raises an eyebrow, but lights up anyway. 

“I just have a pack around in case of emergency, alright? Don’t tell Karkat.” You realize too late you shouldn’t have name-dropped him, damn it. 

“Why would I tell Karkat?” She shoots you a weird look. 

“Oh, he goes crazy over people smoking. He’d kill me if he knew I gave you one.” You try to cover your shit up. She nods, looks out over the balcony. 

“It’s not even Sollux I’m mad at, is that stupid?” She shakes her head, and really goes at the cigarette. You just kind of push the entire pack towards her. She needs it more than you do. 

“Feferi?” 

“She was my best friend before I left. I mean, I know I was gone for almost a year. I didn’t expect us to be as close as we were before I left. I just didn’t think she’d fuck my ex. I still loved him.” She exhales. 

“Honestly, I haven’t talked to her that much about it. Just kind of found out that whole thing was happening.” You slide an arm around her shoulders, let her rest her head in the crook of your neck. She doesn’t say anything else, just sits there smoking. When she finishes her first cigarette, she lights up another. 

You hear someone else come into the apartment and open up the balcony door. 

“Cool kid, am I interrupting something?” Terezi says from behind you. You and Aradia turn your heads to face her. 

“Oh, TZ, I don’t know if you’ve met Aradia before.” You introduce them. 

“You’re Sollux’s ex, right? I’m Vriska’s friend from high school. And Karkat’s.” Terezi extends her hand, and Aradia shakes it. 

“Great, I see my drama is being aired out everywhere. Listen, Dave here apparently quit smoking pot, you got any laying around?” She asks Terezi. Your stomach clenches up, and TZ’s face falls. 

“Nope.” Terezi chokes out. Shit gets a little awkward. This is the first new person you’ve had to introduce to Terezi. You’re not really sure if you’re supposed to warn people about the whole addict thing, or if you should let Terezi tell people, or if you aren’t supposed to bring it up at all. Fuck. 

“So, Megido, have you caught up with anyone else yet?” You ask her, hoping to breeze by the uncomfortable. 

“I ran into Nepeta. She was on her way to see Feferi after I bitched her out. And Karkat was very obviously creeping on my conversation with Sollux. I just kind of figured you were the guy to see if I didn’t want any drama.” She tells you. 

“You were abroad or something, right? That’s rad, Aradia. Tell us about your program.” Terezi sits down on your other side and sticks her legs across your lap. Aradia settles back into your shoulder. 

“It was a premed program at Oxford. They’re doing some troll initiative there, it’s the only reason I got in. Most of the humans in the program were racist as hell. Great learning experience, though.” She smiles. You forgot how absolutely terrifying Aradia’s smile was. You have a weird feeling she and Terezi are going to get along well. 

“Hey, are you guys chilling out here?” Tavros pokes his head out of the window that leads to his room. His bed lines the wall that leads out to the balcony, so he can easily drag himself over to the windowsill to talk to you guys. 

“Tavros! It’s so nice to see you!” Aradia jumps up from her spot beside you and tackles him into a hug through the window. 

“I didn’t uh, know you were back today? Wanna check out my cool two wheeled device?” He chuckles at her. 

“Tav, I’m so sorry, I heard what happened…” She crawls the full way into the window, and you and Terezi tune them out, let them catch up alone. 

“So how are you doing, Rezi?” You smile at the troll girl next to you. 

“So good, cool kid. John told me you’re hosting your families here for Christmas. I can’t wait to meet them.” She grins. 

“Oh word, I meant to ask if you were sticking around. Tav will be here too, big family holiday.” 

“If one of your sisters needs to crash in my bed, I can sleep in Vriska’s room with her for the week.” Terezi offers. You raise your eyebrows at her. 

“So, you and spider chick…” 

“Shut up. We’re just moirails.” She punches you. 

“She could totally be into you, TZ.” You say. 

“I think she’s into Meenah.” 

“Karkat’s freshman year suitemate? They still talk?” Man, all your friends’ romantic lives are crazy right now. 

“It’s going to go terribly. She fucks up every flushed relationship she gets into.” Terezi waives her hand. 

“You got anything going on in your fun quadrants?” You question. She sits up, closer to you. 

“Why’re you asking, cool kid? Got an invested interest?” She moves closer. Oh god. 

“Uhh TZ, what’re you doing?” You probably sound like you’re panicking. She starts cracking up. 

“Holy shit, you scare easy. I’m just fucking around, Dave, jeez.” Her cackling continues. 

“You’re fucking terrifying.” You tell her. 

“Don’t be such a baby, you know I’d never do that to- uh, to you. We’re just bros, Dave. Besides, I’ve still got…” She mumbles the last bit, so you can’t really hear. 

“…Gamzee?” 

“Gamzee.” 

“I wish you didn’t still love him, TZ.” 

“Yeah, me too, probably. Whatever. Hey, let’s challenge Aradia and Tavros to a Super Smash fight. We can do teams.” It scares you a bit how fast she can go from miserable and serious to manic smiling. 

“Aw, man, do I have to be on your team? You can’t even see what you’re doing.” You tease her. 

“At least I have an excuse for sucking. You’ve got perfect eyesight, cool kid, so why do you play like shit?” She winks back. 

You’re honestly still worried about Terezi. She’s been doing great on the substance abuse front, but the panic attacks have been getting worse. 

“I’m gonna put on some mac and cheese, you want some?” You ask her. 

“No, eating this late makes my anxiety worse. I’ll start up the Nintendo.” 

You remember her saying something similar about eating breakfast this morning. This… might be something you should pay attention to. Fuck. You don’t bring anything up right now. She’s having a good night, for once. You just want her to hang out with the crew, make friends with Aradia, play some games. You can have an intervention later when you’ve better assessed the situation. Or maybe get Karkat to have a conversation with her. You’ll see what happens. 

Your big Blues Ensemble performance is the next night. One of your super rad professors managed to convince a local bar to let y’all do a set there. There’s only eight people in your class, and your professor has you split into two “bands” who get to play five songs each. You’re on guitar and backup vocals, which Karkat has mocked you for relentlessly. You honestly can’t tell if he actually thinks you have a shitty voice, or if he just likes bragging about his own. 

What you didn’t think about when you invited everyone to your show is that your friends group is a complete shit show right now. You’ve got Terezi in a bar, which just, wow that was fucked up of you. She’s been standing awkwardly close to Vriska all night, talking extra loud, completely throwing off her moirail’s game with Meenah. Aradia is refusing to talk to Feferi, who is refusing to talk to Sollux, who refuses to be seen with Eridan in public, who is hardcore trying to flirt with Sollux. 

Karkat is outright refusing to deal with any of them, and has Tavros and John sitting at one of the tables up front with him. That kind of works out, because John still isn’t talking to Vriska, and doesn’t want Tavros talking to Vriska, even though Tavros is totally cool talking to Vriska. You and Nepeta and Equius might be the only ones actually talking to everyone. 

You’re happy as hell to put your fifth beer down and get up on stage. You do your best not to look at your friends while you’re up there, you just gaze straight at Karkat through your shades and avoid the drama. 

Karkat is really into you being a performer. He’s trying to hide it in front of the guys, but every time your voice comes in for back up he flashes you his big wide blushing sex eyes. You’re calling total bullshit on him not liking your singing. 

The further you get on in your set, the more you realize how much you actually like playing live gigs. It’s safe to say you’re a bit of a narcissist. You like the attention, the way people stare at you, the way they dance when you’re jamming out particularly well. You like the vibe you have with your band, the secret laughter when one of you fucks up and head nods when one of you is doing particularly well. 

And, you know, Karkat. He’s probably the main reason you’re so into this. He’s probably the main reason you’re into most things, honestly. It’s almost killing you how turned on he looks watching you on stage. You’re not even doing a cool performance, it’s a shitty school band at a run down bar. You want to see what kind of fan Karkat would be if you were doing a real show, in a sold out venue, with like a bunch of teenage girls screaming your name around him. You wanna see him banging his head to your riffs and mouthing along to your lyrics. You- are getting too distracted by him and just fucked up the end of that song. Concentrate on the music, jackass. 

John’s the first one to hug you when you finish the set. Karkat stays seated in his chair, but sends you a wink as everyone else comes up to congratulate you. Or like, his weird Karkat version of a wink. He kind of just blinks his big alien eyes at slightly different times. You’re working on it with him. 

You don’t have a chance to talk to him alone until your drunken walk back to campus a few hours later. You’re both still technically walking with your huge group of friends, but you’re all scattered in pairs and trios walking along the narrow sidewalk, the two of you at the tail end. 

“So Karks, you liked seeing me play?” You ask him, slipping a hand casually around his waist.

“You fucked up the end of your fourth song.” He slurs, poking at your chest. 

“What if I went into music, dude?” You ask him. He squints his eyes at you, trying to assess how serious you’re being. 

“It’s about as crazy as me becoming a famous writer. But you could do it. Let’s catch up with everyone else, I think Vriska’s throwing an after party in her room.” He licks his fangs a little bit a trots on ahead. 

You can’t believe he actually thinks you’re talented. You can’t believe you’re lucky enough to be with him. You can’t believe how heart wrenchingly in love with him you are. It might kill you. You might like it. 

\-----------------------------------

Three years hanging out with John and Dave, and you still don’t understand human Christmas. Dave has not been particularly helpful in explaining it to you. You know this Jesus character has something to do with it, but have a sneaking suspicion it’s in a much less ironic way than Dave has framed it. Either way, you helped him set up this big tree and went shopping for gifts for his enormous family, plus Jake and John and Terezi and Vriska and Tavros and Kanaya. Dirk tells you last minute that he’s dragging Equius along with him, too, so you and Dave had to run out and buy a bunch of horse related gifts for the weirdo. 

They’re all staying in Dave’s apartment. Two weeks of all these assholes. It would be annoying, if it didn’t mean Dave had to give up his bed to his family. Meaning he was bedless. Meaning he gets to stay in your room for two weeks without anyone batting an eye. You’ve been thinking of this season as a lot less like Christmas and a lot more like Sexmas. 

Shit’s not going quite so well for the rest of the group. Tavros is kind of a nervous wreck with so many people around, and Terezi is a disaster waiting to happen with so much booze in the house. Dave offered a thousand times to tell his family that their apartment was a drug free zone, but Terezi was adamant that everyone get to have a fun boozy holiday. She’s mostly been hiding out in Vriska’s room, and Roxy’s been staying in her bed. 

Since Dave has been crashing with you, Equius and Dirk are in Dave’s bed, under strict orders not to do anything sexy in his bed. Orders that you know they’ve been disobeying. Mostly because John shares a wall with them. Jake has been staying in John’s room, too. Jake, Dirk’s ex boyfriend. You’re fucking positive that Dirk only has Equius here as some weird revenge power play, but no one else is talking about it, so you aren’t going to, either. 

On the bright side of this shit show, Kanaya is looking happier than you’ve seen her in months now that Rose is around. 

Dave is kind of walking on eggshells around the whole Dirk/Jake situation, like he’s expecting his brother to snap. Most of his energy has been spent keeping the two at a distance from one another. 

You, by some twisted fate, end up being the only one in the room when the two boys are alone for the first time. You’re sitting innocently in the armchair by the window reading a book in the living room when Dirk comes in through the front door, and Jake steps in from the balcony. They give each other this look that makes you want to vomit. They’re about to talk about feelings, and there is no way for you to abscond. You stick your face into your book and kind of hope you die. 

“Hey, uh, Dirk! We haven’t really gotten a chance to catch up.” Jake smiles, awkwardly as hell. Why are you here? Why are they doing this in front of you? Fuck fuck fuck. 

“Yeah.” Dirk looks just as unhappy to be in this situation as you. 

“So, you’re dating that troll?” Jake goes straight for the elephant in the room, face getting red. Why are you watching? God damn it. 

“Yup.” Dirk paws at the back of his neck with his hand. 

“I thought that maybe we could hang out or something this week. Catch up, reminisce about the good old days?” Jake takes a few steps towards his ex. Dirk just stands there, face emotionless. You know that look though, you’ve seen that same look on Dave. Dirk is falling the fuck apart and pretending not to. 

“Reminisce about what, Jake? Our relationship?” His voice sounds so flat, you know it’s got to be killing Jake to hear Dirk talk about this like he’s bored. 

“That’s not what I meant. I miss talking to you, Dirk.” Jake takes a few more steps towards him. 

“Okay.” 

“That’s it?” 

“What do you want me to say, dude?” Dirk crosses his arms. 

“Did you bring that troll here just to hurt me?” Jake sounds actually upset now. 

“Are you? Hurt?” Dirk says it sarcastically, like he doesn’t believe he is. 

“Just because I can’t be with you like we… as boyfriends… it doesn’t mean it doesn’t suck having you ignore me to spend all your time with someone else. Being asexual doesn’t mean that I suddenly don’t give a shit about you.” Jake clenches his fists. Dirk just stares at him. 

You reach for your phone to SOS text Dave but, of course, you left it in his room where he’s currently hanging out. You’d love to walk the fuck out of this room and get away from this terrible conversation, but you’d have to walk right in between these two idiots which would probably be even more uncomfortable than just sitting here. You sink deeper into your armchair and pray they go the fuck away soon. 

“Are you going to talk to me, or not?” Jake chokes out. 

“Not sure what you want me to say dude.” 

“Can we be friends? Or something?” Jake isn’t facing you, but fuck, just from his back you can tell how much this means to him. 

“I already agreed to that when you broke up with me.” 

“We haven’t been acting like friends, though.” 

“Okay.” 

“So do you want to hang out? Like proper chums?” Jake lifts up his shoulders, hopeful. 

“Nah.” 

“Are you serious?” 

“Yup.” 

“Dirk, can you use actual full sentences to talk to me right now?”

“What do you expect me to say here, Jake?” Dirk still hasn’t moved a fucking muscle. 

It’s kind of freaking you out how much he reminds you of Dave right now. He doesn’t, usually. He’s more like Rose, more verbose and stuck up and moody. But right now, the way he’s completely refusing to think about or discuss his actual feelings, the way he’s hiding behind those shades… it’s too much like Dave to make you comfortable. If you get into a fight with Dave, is this how he’s going to act? Are you going to blow out your lungs screaming at him while he just stands there, letting you drift the fuck apart? 

“You’re making everything awkward for all of us, doing this.” Jake tells him. 

“By dating someone else? You broke up with me, kid. I’m allowed to move on.” 

Jake leaves. He brushes past Dirk, a little rough on the shoulder bump, and slams the door. Dirk just keeps staring straight ahead, but you can tell that his gaze has shifted towards you. You’ve gotten good at guessing where eyes behind shades are actually pointed. 

“You know how to fight, don’t you?” Dirk says, clearly to you. 

“What the fuck are you talking about?” You snap back at him. 

“Dave says you’ve got sickles or some shit. You, me, roof. Fight.” He whips a sword out from god knows where for emphasis. 

“Fuck no. I’m not your emotional punching bag, jackass. Figure out your feelings and talk to Jake about them.” You tell him. 

“Wow, you’re no fun.” 

“Don’t get me wrong, I’d kick your ass. I probably should, too, for dragging Equius through all this bullshit. You shouldn’t lead him on if you’re still hung up on Jake.” You’re a genius at romantic advice, really. 

“Okay, and that’s enough out of you.”

“I’ll go bother Dave. Have fun brooding.” You roll your eyes, and stalk off towards Dave’s room. 

You were kind of hoping he overheard some of that, but when you get in there he’s blasting music so loud on his headphones you can hear it across the room. He takes them off when he sees you come it. 

“Yo Karkat, finish your book?” He asks. 

“Oh no, that’d be fucking nice. I was interrupted by your brother’s fight with Jake.” You flop down on the bed next to him and place a thigh across his legs. 

“Shit, John was supposed to be on Jake/Dirk duty today, damn. Was it bad?” He lets his head fall against the wall, hair poking into his eyes under his shades. 

“Jake got upset, Dirk didn’t say shit. Jake stormed out, Dirk tried to fight me. I told him he was a jackass or something.” 

“I should probably go talk to Dirk.” He doesn’t make a move to get up. 

“He’s just going to want to fuck around with swords.” You point out, burying yourself a little deeper in his side. 

“Did you lock the door when you came in?” 

“Yup.” 

“I could go for a nap before I deal with this bullshit.” 

“Mmph” You press your face into his shoulder and close your eyes. He takes his headphones off from around his neck and places them between you, volume up as high as it will go, so you can both hear the beats as you lull off into an afternoon nap. 

Christmas Eve is two days later. You know from experience this is a huge day for the Striders. They all get drunk and then try to whip together last-minute gifts for Christmas morning. You kind of fucked that tradition for Dave, making him shop with you at a reasonable time several weeks ago. He’s not complaining too much, though. It means he can get way more hammered than usual and then spend the night watching shitty Christmas movies with you in your room while the rest of the group is off crafting and wrapping. But first, you have to survive this party at his place. 

Equius is very obviously not there. He hasn’t been around since Jake and Dirk got into that fight. You sent a text to Nepeta a few days ago and confirmed that Dirk definitely dumped Equius. You feel a little guilty, since you were the one who told him to. But Dirk clearly didn’t love him. Whatever. 

You’re currently precariously perched on the arm of Tavros’ two-wheel device, the both of you slurring your words and sipping on mulled cider and rum. Roxy and John have been in the kitchen together almost all week, concocting holiday beverages. 

Terezi insisted on being around tonight, which has you nervous, but Vriska pledged to stay sober next to her for the evening. The two girls are off in the corner, probably talking shit about the rest of you. You think it’s stupid that they aren’t matesprits, but you guess Terezi is more of in need of a solid moirail right now. 

“Can I grab everyone’s attention for a few minutes?” Rose calls from over by the window. You all turn your attention towards her. She’s less red-faced than the rest of her family, you notice. She mustn’t be as drunk as the rest of you. 

“You about to make an announcement about how fuckin’ cool I am, sis?” Dave grins at her from his spot beside Dirk on the sofa. 

Rose checks her watch, “Oh, I didn’t realize it was already time for your daily ego stroking, Dave.” 

“You should ‘ave Karkat help you out with that, I think he’s got some nice stuff to say about me.” Dave winks at you. You hope everyone is paying attention to your hand flipping him off and not the blush creeping into your cheeks. 

“Alright Dave, pipe down, let’s hear what Rose has to say.” Roxy interjects, waggling her eyebrows. It’s pretty obvious that she’s in the know. John is giggling beside her, like she told him or something. 

“Right. If you’re all done, I’d like to say something to Kanaya.” Rose bites her lip. 

“Me? What’s going on, Rose?” 

Rose takes her hand, and gets down on one knee. 

You’ve seen enough human romcoms to know where this is going. 

“Rose…”

“Hey Kanaya. I know we haven’t had the most traditional relationship. We’ve been long distance for years, and fluctuating between quadrants and human romance. And I know we haven’t exactly settled on anything, on a place to live or what the future looks like. But I love you, Kanaya Maryam. And I’d like to love you for the rest of our lives.” Rose pauses to reach into the pocket of her blazer. 

“Rose…” 

“Kanaya, will you human marry me?” 

Kanaya starts glowing. Literally, glowing. Is she… a rainbow drinker? 

Everyone is staring at her, and she’s looking down at Rose with a smile creeping onto her face. All you can hear is breathing, and Roxy attempting to silence her little squeaks of excitement. 

“Tell the girl yes, Maryam, Jesus.” Vriska shouts. 

Kanaya slips the ring onto her finger and Rose glides up to kiss her. You swear you’ve never seen two people so happy. Everyone around you is cheering and congratulating them. John opens up a bottle of champagne- he obviously knew this was coming. Rose’s three siblings are doing this odd combination of being exceptionally proud and annoyingly embarrassing. 

Dave notices you aren’t getting in on the family fun and pulls you into the kitchen for a little privacy. 

“Dude what’s up?” He asks you. 

“I’ve never seen a troll toss away the quadrants like that. She looks so fucking happy.” You say. It’s making you feel weird. Happy? Hopeful? Afraid? 

“Uh, you’re kind of doing that.” 

“Yeah.” 

“Karkat?” 

“I really love you.” You swear you’d be less emotional about this entire scenario if you weren’t drunk, god damn it. 

“What, you wanna human marry me?” He pokes you in the side. 

“Shut the fuck up,” You laugh, and then, “You’re not being serious, right?” 

He laughs, “Oh, no, Karkles. If you want to lock me down, you’re gonna have to be the one to ask.” 

You roll your eyes. “Get the fuck back to the party and stop annoying me.” 

“You first.” 

He pushes you back into the crowd in the other room. 

Christmas the next morning is actually really nice. Dave is thrilled about the leather jacket you got him. He gets you your very own Polaroid, and a shit ton of film. You’re a little worried that now that he has his own back, you’re going to end up getting into a ridiculous photo-off. 

Jake and Dirk had an alcohol-induced talk after Rose and Kanaya’s engagement last night. You stayed as far away as possible, but from what Dave overheard you gather that Dirk finally told Jake how hurt he was, and how guilty he was feeling about being hurt by something Jake can’t even control. Then lots of wrestling and laughing and promising to actually be friends. They’re more pleasant today than they have been all week. 

After tearing through the giant pile of presents under the tree, everyone helps out making an elaborate Christmas brunch. You and Terezi teach Kanaya how to make some traditional Alternian food. She’s confided in you that it bothers her how little experience she has with actual troll culture, having been raised on Earth by a human, so you let her in on this shit as often as you can. 

After food, it’s all Christmas movies and terrible singing and aggressively competitive board games that go on way past midnight. You could really get used to hanging out with Dave’s stupid family, especially with your misfit troll orphan friends tagging along. 

Rose and Roxy fly out the next morning, Kanaya going with them for the remainder of winter break. Vriska and Terezi offer to drive them to the airport, and John, Tavros, Jake, and Dirk are mysteriously missing from the apartment when you and Dave finally wander over from your room. Dave sends them a quick text and finds out they’ve gone off to lunch without you two. Apparently you were taking too long to get ready. 

“Babe, no one’s here for the first time in two weeks.” He smiles at you. 

“Yeah, I see that.” 

“I’m gonna make you scream my fucking name.” He challenges. 

“We literally had sex in my room like two hours ago, Dave.” You sigh at him. It’s an act, though, you’re totally happy to do him again. 

He knows it, and has you pinned against the wall before you finish your sentence with a hand down your pants. 

“Dave- ah- shower. Or people will notice all the genetic material when they get back.” You push him down the hall, biting at his lips with maybe a bit too much enthusiasm. 

You’ve both gotten very good at pulling each other’s clothes off. You’re naked faster than the water warms up. 

You’re pretty sure Dave has a weird shower kink. He’s louder and wetter and faster when you fuck in one. That, or he just likes that he gets to be the dominant one for a change when you’re in here, pinning you against the wall with your legs wrapped around him. 

You can’t fucking lie, you like shower sex, too. It makes it easier to bite the hell out of him without making a huge mess. You’ve left scars all over the insides of his thighs doing that. He likes it when you bite him while your fingers are inside him. Fuck, fuck it’s hot. 

“You don’t have a dildo in here, do you?” You ask him through heated breaths, your tongue lapping at his skin. 

“Fuck, no. Should I grab one?” He asks. 

“Fuck that. Use your mouth.” 

He sends you a terrifying smile. You’re about to get fucked so good. 

He presses your shoulders up hard against the wall of the shower and hoists your legs over his shoulders. It hurts a little, being contorted like this, but in a way that has your bulge out and writhing. 

“I fuckin love how bendy you are, bro.” 

His tongue on your nook makes your voice go all shake-y, every time. It’s soft, and wet, and precise, and your bulge in his hair, getting the white strands all red and gooey, perfects the image. 

“I wanna be inside you, Dave, fuck, let me fuck you.” You pant, clawing at his shoulders. 

He tries slipping his shoulders out from under you and sliding your feet to the floor gracefully, but ends up mostly dropping you and falling down on top of you. You punch him playfully in retaliation, and grab him by the hair to bring him into a forceful kiss as he struggles to pull you both to your feet. 

The door opens. 

All you can think is “holy shit, this happens too often”. 

“Yo Dave it’s you in there right?” Dirk’s voice calls from the other side of the shower curtain. It sounds like he’s rummaging around in the cabinets. 

“Sure is bro. You wanna get the fuck out?” Dave is trying not to laugh, his forehead pressed against yours. You’re not finding the situation quite so hilarious. 

“No can do, little man, I’m bringing Jake to my place tonight, I’ve gotta grab all the shit I left in here and go catch a train into the city.” Dirk says. 

“Fuck, get out Dirk trains come every half an hour. Catch the next one.” 

“I’m almost done princess, don’t get your panties in a bunch. Is my conditioner in there?” Dirk asks. 

Dave grabs a random bottle and tosses it over the top of the shower. 

“Man, you know this shit is John’s. Mine’s the yellow one. Never mind, I’ll just get it.” Dirk says, taking a step towards the shower. 

“No, dude, no, I’ll get it hold the fuck on.” Dave’s eyes are going all wide, looking around the shower for this fucking shampoo. You have no fucking idea what to do. Dirk is five seconds away from opening the shower curtain and you have nowhere to fucking hide. Dave kind of throws himself in front of you, like that’s gonna help. If anything it just makes it look like he’s still in the process of fucking you against the wall. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. 

Dirk slides the curtain open. 

He looks at you with his mouth hanging open for a good twenty seconds. He looks like he’s struggling to keep his face in that patented Strider frown on his face when he finally talks. 

“So I see you’re getting acquainted with the tentabulge. Nice, little bro.” 

“Oh my god, get out, get out, get out!” You’re the one yelling at him, while Dave just stands there with a hand over his eyes. 

“Yeah, yeah, you’ve got some red in your hair though, Dave, might wanna wash that out.” Dirk points at him, then leaves. 

“Fuck, Dave, fuck, what do we do?” You’re kind of freaking out. Dirk is going to give you so much shit for this. 

“Well I’m going to hide out in my room for the next six years. Feel free to join me.” He won’t make eye contact with you. If you weren’t so freaked out right now, you’d probably think it was adorable. 

“Uh, no. He’s your fucking brother. You’re going to go out there and make sure he doesn’t tell anyone.” You demand. 

“Nooo, he’s gonna give me so much shit. I’m not going out there.” Dave whines. 

“I’m not going out there. It’s your family, asshole.” 

“That’s exactly why it’ll be easier for you, just go.” 

“Grow some shame globes Dave holy shit.” 

Dirk pokes his head back in the door. You two are still standing in the same spot, arguing. 

“So, the walls are pretty thin. Wow, didn’t even try to put our clothes on, I see.” Dirk says. 

“Fuuuuck, bro, what do you want?” Dave sounds so exasperated. 

“I’m not gonna tell anyone, calm down. I am gonna make fun of you, but I’ll wait till you’re wearing pants. Now if you could kindly hand me the conditioner I came in here for- thanks, Karkat. Nice legs, by the way. I’ve got a train to catch. Have a nice shower, boys.” He lowers his shades to wink at you before he leaves, for good this time. 

You and Dave do some more awkward silent standing, and then: 

“You owe me twenty dollars.” 

“Oh, FUCK you, Strider.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there sure was a lot of other characters' relationships in this chapter
> 
> also look how that bet turned out. and none of you had faith in dave.... (he still has the rest of his friends to spill the beans with dont worry)


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my apologies in advance for any major editing mistakes, im still in tears over the upd8 tonight (like literally though). but i wanted to get a chapter out in honor of canon dave being the bravest fuckn fake teen i know and confronting his feelings about bro and dirk. so. here's the chapter haha.

You’d like to say that you cool kid breezy recovered from Dirk walking in on you and Karkat, and that you two stepped up your secrecy game and no one else found out. You’d like to say that, but you can’t, because the next semester turned out to be a cascade of your friends walking the fuck in on the two of you. 

The first comes literally the same day Dirk found out. Karkat got real salty about having to hand over his crisp twenty-dollar bill to you. As with most times Karkat is angry at your hilarious antics, it ends in a wrestling match and Karkat chewing on your neck with his bulge in between your fingers. You make the mistake of doing this on the kitchen counter. Terezi and Vriska walk in. 

They both laugh a hell of a lot more than Dirk did. 

“Oh, you have got to be fucking kidding me. Twice? Twice in one day, Dave?” Karkat is seething. He’s so distracted with his angry fit that he doesn’t remember to pull his fucking pants up, you have to do it for him. It has the girls cackling even louder. 

Before the sex, you and Karkat did come up with a contingency plan if more people walked in on you. Since he seems a little too worked up to put that into action right now, you take matters into your own hands. 

“Alright, alright, shut up for a second okay?” You quiet them down. Terezi cocks her head and crosses her arms at you, giant grin on her face, while Vriska snickers with a hand on her moirails shoulder for support. 

“Yeah, cool kid?” Terezi prompts you. 

“This was obviously just a stupid mistake, okay TZ?” You tell her. She raises an eyebrow. 

“It’s disgusting and it’s never happening again.” Karkat adds in. Vriska’s laughter gets louder. 

“Bullshit.” Terezi says. 

“No, seriously, we’re just bros. Tried something new, didn’t like it, alright?” You insist. 

“You do know I live with you, right cool kid?” Terezi sighs. Oh, shit. 

“Wait, you knew about this? And you didn’t tell me?” Vriska asks her. 

“There’s nothing to fucking know about, stop, stop, stop.” Karkat’s up on the counter, hands covering his ears. 

“Let’s not give Karkat a heart attack here. There’s nothing to know about.” If you deny it enough, maybe they’ll believe you. 

“You’re aware that your hair is literally stained red with his genetic material, right Strider?” Vriska points out. 

“Fuck, Karkat, I told you to wash that shit out for me.” You turn on him. 

“It’s not my fucking fault your hair is so fucking white!” He snaps back at you. He looks like an animal hunched over on the counter, teeth bared. 

Terezi completely ignores you, and turns to talk to Vriska, “When they came to visit me this summer, I could smell it all over them.” 

“Oh fuck.” It’s all you can get out.

“Dave make it STOP.” Oh, Karkat, you would if you fucking could. Fuuuuck. 

“You’re telling me these bozos have kept this hidden for an entire semester? No fucking way. They’re way to dumb to pull of something like that.” Vriska shakes her head. 

“Dumb? Fucking excuse me, we’ve been hiding this for a year, Vriska. Fuck you.” Karkat’s anger has gotten the best of him and it’s going really poorly for you. 

“Uh, Karkat…” 

“Oh, FUCK.” 

Vriska and Terezi are cracking up again. 

“Wait, so you two are like, actually a thing? I thought you were just fucking, holy shit.” Terezi cackles. 

“No, we’re not doing THIS, we are not having this conversation, FUCK.” Karkat opens up the cabinet behind him, actually shimmies inside of it a little bit. You are not looking forward to dragging him out of there later. 

“Come on cool kid, spill the beans.” Terezi winks at you. 

“Yeah, okay, fine, we’re dating, alright? Just, can we not fucking tell everyone about it?” You give them both as serious of a look as you can muster. 

Karkat’s continuous swearing intensifies. 

“I’ve known for months and haven’t told anyone, Dave. Calm down.” Terezi gives you a genuine smile. 

“I’m pissed you didn’t tell me, Pyrope. You know I’ve been rooting for the two of them to get together.” Vriska says. 

“Didn’t want you to meddle.” 

“Me? Meddle? Yeah, no, okay, fair.” 

“Well, now that this terrible conversation is over, you girls want to get dinner? Karkat and I were gonna order Indian but he’s gonna be screaming in that cabinet for awhile.” You ask them. 

“I’m not eating, but Vriska said she was hungry.” Terezi says, and walks out of the kitchen. 

Terezi, not eating again. You shoot Vriska a look, but she just sort of shakes her head and starts arguing about what kind of delivery you’re going to order. 

You manage to get a full month into Spring semester before someone else catches you. Karkat gets crazy paranoid about the rest of the group finding out. You’re not thrilled about having an awkward conversation about dating him with everyone either, but you’re not as freaked out as he is. It’s kind of shitty that he’s so paranoid you’re going to fuck stuff up if your friends become a part of this relationship. You’re trying not to think about it, and just show him that you’re gonna be there for him no matter how shitty things get. Eventually he’ll figure out that you can handle dating out in the open. Or, you know, everyone will catch you and he’ll just have to deal with it. Either way. 

You weren’t initially planning on hanging out with Karkat tonight. You both have nine AM classes tomorrow on opposite ends of campus; it just makes more sense to spend Tuesday nights alone. Your boyfriend is kind of a total dweeb, though, and starts frantically texting you at one in the morning. 

CG: DAVE  
CG: I STARTED WATCHING THE ANIME DIRK GOT ME FOR CHRISTMAS  
TG: oh fuck which one  
TG: fma  
CG: YEAH  
CG: I HAVE A FUCKING QUESTION FOR YOU  
CG: WHAT SICK FUCK  
CG: WOULD DO THAT TO A LITTLE GIRL DAVE  
CG: ARE HUMANS REALLY SO DISGUSTING THAT THEY HAVE TO CREATE MEDIA WHERE A CHILD, A TINY GRUB, IS MUTILATED BY ALCHEMY AND SEWN BACK TOGETHER WITH HER DOG  
CG: THERE’S NOT EVEN A HAPPY ENDING DAVE  
CG: SHE JUST FUCKING DIES  
TG: man youre gonna have a bad time with this show  
CG: IT GETS WORSE?  
CG: HOW IN EVER LOVING FUCK COULD IT GET WORSE  
TG: dude i told you to wait for me to watch it  
TG: karkat  
TG: whered you go  
TG: oh man youre crying arent you lol  
CG: SHUT THE FUCK UP DAVE  
CG: NOT SURE WHY YOU THINK YOU CAN MAKE FUN OF ME FOR CRYING WHEN YOU BURST INTO TEARS EVERY TIME WE WATCH SOMETHING WITH A BABY  
TG: excuse me for being moved by the miracle of life  
TG: are you really upset though  
TG: if youre gonna watch more and cry you can come over   
CG: YEAH  
CG: I WAS THINKING ABOUT SKIPPING CLASS TOMORROW ANYWAY  
TG: wow this got you so upset you wanna miss class  
TG: damn karks   
CG: FUCK OFF THIS WAS TRAGIC  
CG: ARE YOUR ROOMMATES ASLEEP  
TG: tz is up but thats cool  
CG: I’LL BE THERE IN TWENTY MINUTES, COME DOWNSTAIRS AND LET ME IN SO I DON’T HAVE TO BUZZ UP  
TG: i know the drill 

It all seems to be going smooth as hell. You let him in downstairs, and kiss at his puffy eyes in the elevator to piss him off on your ride up to the eighth floor. When you get there, the elevator doors open. Aradia is standing in front of them. Your lips are planted firmly on Karkat’s eye. 

“I knew it. Holy shit, I knew it.” She says. None of you move. The elevator doors close, but it stays on the same floor, waiting for someone to press a button. 

“God fucking DAMN IT.” Karkat yells. You can hear Aradia’s laughter from the other side of the door. 

“So do we hide in here or go confront her?” You ask, sinking back into the wall. Karkat pushes a random floor number on the control panel, and the elevator takes off. Running away, then. 

You hide up on the tenth floor for a good fifteen minutes, Karkat complaining the entire time about how you’re never careful enough and this is all your fault blah blah blah. Aradia is no longer standing in the hall when you eventually muster up the courage to take the stairs to your apartment. You check your phone once you’re back in your room and have Karkat firmly distracted from the situation with more anime. 

AA: I won’t tell anyone, Dave, don’t worry.   
AA: Are you two actually dating, though?   
AA: You’re such close friends, I wouldn’t want you to ruin anything.   
TG: hey  
TG: thanks for being chill about it  
TG: youre now on the official list of secret keepers  
TG: its a special title aradia dont go fuckin around with your responsibilities here  
AA: So others have walked in on you I take it?  
TG: tz and vriska  
AA: That is the worst pair of people I could possibly imagine.  
TG: why do you think ive been doing vriskas laundry for the past month  
TG: but yeah anyway karkat and i are all secret dating  
TG: have been for a year  
AA: Excuse me?   
TG: gotta go aa have a good night

You turn off your phone. Don’t wanna deal with that shit right now. 

“Are you going to come cuddle and watch this with me or not, dick fuck?” Karkat calls to you from where he’s burrowed into the blankets. 

“Yeah man, hold your horses.” 

The next time someone finds out, it is one hundred percent your fucking fault. Whoops. 

You’ve got Nepeta over, chatting about Equius and doing some drawing for the portrait class you’re both in. You’re both supposed to be drawing portraits of strangers this week, based on photographs. Nepeta gave you a bunch of pictures of trolls on Alternia, ones you’re too afraid to ask if she killed with her own hands or not. In return, you’ve offered to let her look through your Polaroids to find a subject she likes. 

“What about this guy? I knew him in high school. He was a douche bag.” You show her a random shot of a guy from your eleventh grade history class. 

“Dave, everyone you know looks so boring.” She shakes her head. 

“Yeah, sorry, there were a lot of white dudes in Washington. There’s a couple more boxes of pictures, just keeping looking. I’m gonna grab some AJ, you want some?” You ask her. 

“Mm, please!” 

When you return from the kitchen with two cold glasses of AJ, she’s wide eyed and bright green. 

“You find something weird in there Nep? Oh, oh, fuck, I forgot that box was in the closet, shit, shit, shit.” You go beet red. She found your Karkat box. The one with all the pictures from your room this past summer, pictures of him naked, and you naked, and you kissing him, and him sprawled out in your lap with a book in his hands, and-

“Looks like it wasn’t the only thing in the closet.” You barely catch that she’s making a joke, the way her eyes stay all bugged out. 

“So I’m just gonna put those away.” You say after a pause. 

“Was that… are you two still… how… when…” She can’t get out a full sentence. 

“We’ve uh, it’s been about a year, I guess.” You scratch the back of your neck praying to god she doesn’t ask more questions. 

“So I get to be your secret keeper?” She throws a big smile on her face. You can’t tell if she’s faking or not. 

“You and everyone else who’s walked in on us.” You roll your eyes. 

“Other people know? And haven’t told me? They know I called this ages ago! Who?” She actually sounds a little annoyed. 

“Vriska, TZ, Aradia. Oh, and my bro. Shit this list is getting long.” You muse. 

“Why don’t you just tell people? This seems stupid, Dave.” She’s still leafing through the photographs, so many naked photographs… 

“Prolly the same reason you don’t tell people you made out with Equius in the bathroom at the party a few weekends ago.” 

She stiffens and drops the pictures back in the box. 

“So, how’s that apple juice.” She tilts her head up at you. 

When you’re alone in Karkat’s bed later, you feel obligated to update him on the who-knows situation, even though you know it’s going to cause a fight you aren’t really in the mood for. 

“Hey babe?” 

“Shh, this is the best part of the song.” 

“If we could silence the emo for just a few seconds, I’ve got something to talk about.” You press the pause button on his husktop. 

“Ugh, what?” 

Off to a good start, then. 

“So, Nepeta sort of peeped the pictures of us from this summer. Also I think she might have stolen one, not really sure what’s up with that.” You say it as casually as possible and then press play on his music again. 

He pauses it immediately. 

“What?!” 

“Yeah, Nepeta’s in the know club. It’s cool, she won’t say anything.” You’re keeping your face as emotionless as possible, but this giant knot is forming in your stomach. You’re not happy about having these conversations with people, either, but who the shit cares if they’re being cool about it? 

“Oh, oh, that’s great Dave! She won’t say anything to who, exactly? The three people who still don’t know about us? Jesus fucking Christ, how could you be so brain dead as to let her rifle through your private pictures? It’s one fucking box, Dave. One box you had to keep secret, and you couldn’t manage that? Are you fucking kidding me?” He shoots back from his position resting on your chest and takes his super-pissed-off fighting stance, knees bent and hands on the floor like he’s a fucking wolf itching to rip out your throat. 

“Maybe you can calm the fuck down for three seconds and think about someone’s feelings besides your own, holy shit dude.” You don’t mean to say it, especially not with so much charge behind it, but the second you do you realize how tired you are of this hiding shit. 

His stance shifts immediately. You’ve never been upset in front of him before. 

“Excuse me?” He still sounds violent as fuck, even if his posture as relaxed. 

“Nothin, man, nevermind. I’ll be more careful.” Hide your feelings, Dave. Hide your full fucking feelings and don’t ruin this. 

“I was under the impression that we were in agreement to keep this shit secret.” He creeps a little closer to you. Not close enough. He won’t touch you, he’s just looking at you with his big yellow eyes. 

You realize you’re having an actual fucking fight, not that playful banter you usually do. 

“We’ve been secret for a long time.” You tell him like he doesn’t know. 

“Yeah, and shit’s going pretty fucking well.” He counters. 

“You honestly have so little faith in me that you think I’m going to fuck up the second people know about us? Like that’s how weak I am as a human, I can’t even handle that amount of pressure?” You feel like fucking shit, but you’re trying so fucking hard not to let him see that you’re actually falling apart over this. Thank shit for your shades. 

“Are you even actually upset? Or are you just starting a bullshit fight?” He looks terrified. You sigh, real deep, and take off your glasses. Let him see the wetness pooling up behind your white lashes. 

“It fucking sucks that you don’t trust me.” It might be the most honest thing you’ve ever said to him. He grits his teeth. 

“You think this is about you? You’re so fucking narcissistic Dave, holy shit. No, pea brain, this is about me. Me, the nook wit who fucks up every relationship he gets into. I don’t trust me. I’ve been doing so well not fucking up with you. I don’t want to change things, I don’t want to risk fucking this up, I love you.” He’s crying now, too, biting at his bottom lip. 

“Dude, you’re not gonna fuck up, what?” 

“I already fucking am, apparently. You don’t think I trust you? Fuck, I’m a fucking moron, fuck, fuck.” 

“Fuck, no, Karks, I should have known you were taking this out on yourself, I’m sorry.” 

“No no, I’m the asshole here, I’m sorry.” 

“Okay we’re gettin real close to a sorry circle here. Let’s just both agree that we respectively feel like shit for probably stupid reasons and move on yeah?” You put your shades back on, and he flops back into a normal sitting position. 

“Do you really wanna tell people?” He asks, digging at his fingernails, the two on his left hand that he has filed down really short so that they don’t cut you up when he puts them inside you. 

“Nah. I mean, eventually, yeah. We can chill out for a bit though. Until you feel comfortable and shit.” You tell him, and actually mean it this time. He lays back on the bed, relieved, and you crawl on top of him. 

“Thanks, asshole.” 

“Yeah I’m kind of the fucking best.” 

He pushes you onto the floor. 

Karkat doesn’t jump right into telling everyone you’re dating. You really didn’t expect him to, or need him to. It’s not like you’re thrilled about having a big sit down discussion with John about how you’re dating your new best bro. What he is working on is acting like you’re actually dating in front of the people who already know about it. 

He’s not a huge fan of PDA or anything, but he’ll let you hold his hand in front of Terezi until he gets pissed off at something and needs it back to gesture angrily. He kissed you goodbye in front of Vriska, and smiles at you when Nepeta is around. You’re actually a little proud of him. So proud you’ve only been giving him a little shit in front of everyone, rather than totally pushing his PDA buttons. 

You didn’t intentionally choose to hang out with only your in-the-know friends tonight, but they’re the only ones who showed up when you invited everyone over for burgers and beers. You’re kind of happy to have a full night out in the open with your boyfriend. 

“Karkat, cheese, quick, these puppies are gonna burn!” You call to him from out on the balcony where you’re grilling hot dogs and burgers. 

“You said they weren’t actually dogs, Dave, but you keep calling them puppies and it’s freaking me the fuck out.” He hands you the cheese, but looks at you like he’s genuinely concerned. 

“Don’t be such a wimp, Karkat, eat the damn food your boyfriend gives to you.” Terezi jeers. He gets all flustered and huffy and heads back inside. You fist bump her. 

He sits next to you on the sofa when you all go inside to watch the premier episode of this season of Game of Thrones. By the end of the night and a couple beers deep, you’ve got him settled into your shoulder with your arm around him while he drunkenly shouts at Vriska about their respective predictions for the season. Its probably good you’ve got a hand on his chest to hold him down when he gets too excited. It’s like a Karkat-rant seatbelt. 

“You’re fucking kidding me, right Vriska? Fucking right? Please don’t tell me you’re moronic enough to actually believe Sansa Stark is not an incredible character.” He’s shouting, arms flailing awfully close to your face. 

“She’s just a little boring, Karkat. Stab someone. Take some initiative.” She waives him off. 

“No, oh fucking no, are you kidding me? She’s an abuse victim, Vriska. Her reaction makes perfect fucking sense. And did you totally miss the season two finally? She’s playing the system, she’s surviving!” Little bits of spit are coming out of his mouth. He’s so mad about this, you love it. 

You’re both so caught up in his argument with Vriska that neither of you think to detangle yourselves from each other when Tavros wheels himself into the apartment. Neither of you are even the first to notice that Tavros is kind of bugging out about it, Karkat still spitting curses at Vriska and you trying to hold him in his seat. It’s not until he huffs and sinks down into the couch, turning to groan directly in your shoulder that both of you start paying attention to the boy in the wheelchair gaping at you while Nepeta frantically shushes him. 

“Oh. Hey Tavros.” You say real nonchalant.

Karkat takes his face out of your arm and turns to look at Tavros, groaning slightly. 

“Uh, guys? Wh-what are you doing?” Tavros asks. 

“They’re dating, pupa. Get over it, move on.” Vriska jeers. You’re pretty sure she’s actually trying to protect you two. Nice. 

“Uhhhh…” He’s still just looking at you. 

“It’s kind of a secret though, dude, so if you could not say anything that’d be boss.” You add in. 

“S-since when?” He’s obviously having some trouble putting all this together. 

“Over a year ago, asshole, now shut up about it and come watch TV with us.” This comes from Karkat. Now everyone’s staring at him in complete shock, you included. He’s… not freaking out? Okay, well, his eyes are twitching and his claws are digging into your thigh, but he’s honestly trying to keep his shit together. Probably on account of that small meltdown you had when Nepeta found out. Holy shit, your boyfriend is actually taking your feelings into consideration, even though it’s killing him. This is the most romantic shit you have ever encountered. 

You mostly tune out the rest of Tavros’ questions and let your other friends handle them, focusing on how nice it is to be able to lace your fingers with Karkat’s in front of an entire fucking room of people. 

\----------------------------------------------

“Hey Dave, did Terezi fall asleep in your room again last night?” John asks your boyfriend as you’re all seated at the Pub, waiting for your afternoon classes to begin over a shared plate of fries. 

“Yeah man, her panic attacks are getting way worse. Or more frequent or something. I don’t know.” Dave looks exhausted. You know he really was up with her all night, trying to calm her down. He tells you all the time that he doesn’t know how to help her when she’s like that, that she’d be better off living with you, but you’ve seen her with him. He really gets Terezi, in a way you never did. In a just bros way. You thought it’d be weird having your ex living with your boyfriend but, truth is, you can’t imagine a better roommate for her. You’re glad she’s got Dave looking out for her. You swear, his music is the only thing that can slow her heart rate down enough to actually get her to sleep. 

“She sleeps in your room an awful lot.” John says. 

“Did you miss the whole thing I just said about her panic attacks getting worse?” Dave tells him. 

“You spend a lot of time with her like, always, though.” John’s eyebrows start to waggle. Oh, Jesus Christ, he thinks they’re dating. This is worse than when people find out you and Dave are dating. 

“Yeah man, she’s my bro.” Dave is missing John’s tone. Or ignoring it. 

“I’m just saying, dude, if you were dating her or something, you could tell me about it.” John keeps looking at you as he’s talking. He’s probably worried that you’re going to freak out about Dave dating your ex. Which, yeah, you would, but not for the reasons he’s thinking. 

“I’m not dating Terezi, John. Stop freaking Karkat out.” He points a thumb in your direction. 

John giggles. 

“But uh, how pissed would you be if I didn’t tell you I was dating someone?” Dave just word vomits that right out into the open. No, no, no, no, no. Not right now Dave, god, not in the middle of the fucking Pub, please, no, fuuuck. 

“Hey, as long as I’m the first one my best bro tells, who cares? Does this mean you are secret dating Terezi?” John winks. He clearly thinks the whole thing is a joke. 

“Nah, I wish man. Couldn’t get her if I tried.” Dave deflects. 

“And that’s fucking it, we are done with this conversation. I’ve had enough thinking about my ex girlfriend and my best bro hooking up for one day, thank you very fucking much for bringing that up Egbert. If you two idiots will excuse me, I have class.” You push your chair back a little too hard and hit the person sitting behind you. 

You don’t actually have class yet, but you wander down that way anyway. You know Dave wants to tell people. It’s not like you don’t think open dating him could be nice. You like hanging out around your friends who already know. It’s just a lot of fucking pressure. And the actual conversation every goddamn time someone finds out makes you want to dig your claws into your ears. Their questions, god, their fucking questions. Nepeta actually asked you to in-detail describe the sex. And Dave, of fucking course, went on some stupid out of control rant actually detailing a good portion of it. You like it when he’s uncontrollably spewing secrets at you, not at other people. 

Speaking of which, he’s texting you. 

TG: so we can never tell john   
CG: OH SO NOW YOU DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT THE INTIMATE DETAILS OF OUR RELATIONSHIP? BUT ESSENTIALLY ADMITTING TO JOHN THAT YOU’RE IN A SECRET RELATIONSHIP WITHOUT EVEN FUCKING WARNING ME FIRST IS COOL?  
TG: maan i was just tryna see how pissed hed be  
TG: turns out very  
TG: so uh  
TG: even after we tell everyone else  
TG: were just gonna have to lie to john  
TG: forever  
CG: SURE DAVE THAT SEEMS REASONABLE  
TG: glad were on the same page  
CG: AREN’T YOU SUPPOSED TO BE THE ONE WHO’S GOOD AT SARCASM?

He stops responding to you. You’re gonna let him figure the John thing out on his own. 

As much as you were worried about telling people about Dave, it’s honestly not so terrible when the rest of them actually find out. Relatively speaking. 

Sollux is probably the easiest. He knows you’ve been sleeping with Dave, just like you know he’s been sleeping with Eridan. Neither of you are exactly the most subtle. Neither of you are very quiet during sex, either. You’re honestly a little worried about Eridan. Sollux uses his psiionics on him like, a lot from what you’ve overheard. Pinning him up against walls, throwing him around. Before this you were under the impression that psiionics were mostly a death weapon but, nope. Your buddy seems to have found a nice way to turn them into a sex toy. Good for him. 

So, yeah, you’re both in the know, but you both act like respectable adults and shut the fuck up about each other’s business. Eridan and Dave have been getting real chummy, though. In a way that makes you kind of sick to your stomach, because even though Eridan is your bro, you know he’s the worst, and you honestly cannot figure out for the life of you why Dave likes hanging out with him. Maybe irony, or something. It pisses Sollux off, too. He and Dave don’t get on quite so well. 

According to Dave, Eridan is pissed at Sollux for wanting to keep their whole deal a secret. You mostly try to ignore how sickeningly similar your respective relationships are. Later, when you’re yelling at him for blindsiding you, Dave will claim he did it just to “help his bro out”. You have trouble believing his little plan isn’t at least a little for himself. 

You’re playing video games with Sollux, getting your ass handed to you, when it happens. Dave and Eridan burst into your dorm, both looking slightly more fancy than usual. 

“Get your butts into some nice pants.” Eridan begins.

“We’re going on a double date.” Dave finishes for him. 

You aren’t sure who curses louder, you or Sollux. 

The date is terrible. None of you can agree on food and argue about where to go for about half an hour. Nepeta and Feferi run into you all on your way into town and insist on coming with you. Although Nepeta knows about you and Dave, she has no clue about Eridan and Sollux, so you spend the whole night pretending not to be couples anyway. 

Later on, back in your dorm, Dave starts an accidental fight between Eridan and Sollux by cracking a joke about them being flushed. 

“We’re vacillating.” Eridan corrects him. 

“I’m feeling pretty fucking caliginous for you tonight.” Sollux growls. 

They end up leaving to have some hot hate sex, and you and Dave retreat into your room. 

“Dude, okay, I know I’m kind of oblivious here, but what is up with Sollux’s powers? They’re up to some kinky shit in there tonight.” Dave questions, motioning towards the obvious sex noises coming from the next room. 

“Psiionics.” Is all you say. 

“I wonder if we could recreate some of that with, like, ropes or some shit.” He muses. 

“Are you asking me to invest money in having really fucking kinky sex with you, Strider?” You try to sound disgusted, but it actually sounds pretty hot. Fighting over who gets tied up… fuck. 

“Yeah, we gotta try that some time. Until we get like, the equipment and shit, we should probably just compete with these losers to have the loudest sex. Like in that movie you like a lot, the one with Mila Kunis.” Dave tells you. 

“Forgetting Sarah Marshall?” You ask. 

“Yeah, that one. So, loud sex?” 

“That’s so childish.” 

You do it anyway. 

Dave and Eridan high five in the morning. 

You and Sollux don’t speak for three days, and when you do, you both insist you won the screaming sex match. 

Kanaya finding out isn’t so bad, either. Mostly because it’s less of Kanaya finding out and more of you finding out that Kanaya already knows. 

You’re at the music library late with her, clocking in overtime helping her tag the lost and stolen items from the semester in the new computer system, just chatting it up and having a good time. You really like Kanaya, in a genuine way. Not like most of your friends, who you kind of want to punch most of the time. 

“So, Karkat, I’ve been meaning to talk to you about something.” Kanaya tells you, her tone shifting to become a bit more serious. 

“Oh fuck, what’s going on?” 

“I’m leaving the library after this semester. I’m going to move out to Seattle until Rose graduates. They’re hiring someone to take over my position. It’s full time, it’ll be a lot of work, but I know you’re looking for more money.” She offers. 

“Shit, would they really hire an undergrad? I’m not really qualified.” You tell her.

“You’ve spent three years being my number two, Karkat. If I give you a good enough recommendation, and you don’t rant at them too much during your interview, I think you’ve got a good shot. It is quite a bit of responsibility though. Make sure you can handle your academic obligations, too.” She informs you. 

“Ugh, I am doing a thesis next year. I might not have time. But, fuck, I don’t want some random boss. Oh, god, and if I took your job, I’d get to be Dave’s boss.” You reflect. 

“Oh, I didn’t think about that. It might not be the best idea to have your boyfriend as an employee.” 

You can practically see the “…” hanging in the air. Then:

“Oops. I forgot you weren’t supposed to know I knew.” She smiles. 

“What the actual fuck? Who told you? Oh, shit, did you see the security footage of us in here?” You really hope she didn’t see the security footage. 

“Rose told me, under strict orders not to do exactly what I’ve just done. I guess I owe an apology to the both of you. Although I’m a little concerned about what I’d find if I look at the security tapes.” She muses. 

“Rose? Rose fucking Lalonde? How the shit did she know?” Jesus Christ this is a disaster. 

“I assumed Dave told her.” Kanaya actually looks apologetic now. 

“I have to go talk to him. I’ll see you tomorrow, Kanaya.” 

You literally run to his apartment, where, of course, he’s sitting innocently with all his roommates. 

“Uh, Karks? Weren’t you working late tonight?” He looks slightly afraid. You’ve probably got your kill face on. 

“We. Need. To. Talk.” 

“Uh so I guess I’m going to talk to Karkat. Pause the movie for me John.” Dave hops of the sofa and heads out to the balcony with you. 

“You told Rose? Without fucking telling me? You just let her know?” You whisper at him aggressively the second you’re out of John’s earshot. 

“Uh what? Dude, I definitely did not say anything to her.” He shakes his head.

“Well she knows, and she told Kanaya. Who the fuck told her if you didn’t?” You ask. 

“Hold up, lemme ask Rose what’s up.” He takes out his phone. He’s texting for awhile, silently, occasionally letting his lips curl up into a faintly annoyed smirk. 

“Are you just arguing with her Dave? Come on, what’s going on?” You urge him on. 

“Man, you know how much she talks.” 

“I know how much YOU talk.” 

“Okay, okay, I’m getting to the point. Huh, okay, so apparently Roxy told her. You didn’t tell Roxy, did you?” He raises an eyebrow. 

“Oh, yeah Dave, actually I did. I thought it’d be fucking fantastic to call your sister mom and have a nice long chat with her about our private romantic life.” You spit, sarcastically. 

“I mean she’d prolly love it if you did.” He gets back on his phone, now texting both of his sisters. 

“I don’t know why you’re bothering, we both know it was your fucking brother now.” You roll your eyes. 

“Maan, I don’t wanna think Dirk just sold me out like that.” 

“What’s Roxy saying?” 

“Okay apparently Dirk just fucking sold me out like that, god damn it.”

“So… who’s on the list of people that don’t know?” You ask. You’re having trouble keeping track. 

“John. Uh, Feferi, right? Nepeta probably blabbed to her, though. Nepeta probably told Equius too. So really probably just John. And I guess John’s family.” He counts on his fingers. 

“Kankri, too.” 

“Your weird troll pseudo-brother?” 

“Yeah.” 

“You wanna tell him?”

“He’ll want to meet you.” 

“Let’s do it. This summer. I’ll meet the hell out of your family.” He actually smiles. 

You pause for a minute, “Gamzee will want to see me, if we go back there.” 

“Do you, uh, want me to meet him, too?” He reaches out to where your hand is resting on the railing and brushes his fingers lightly against yours. He does that when he’s not quite fucking sure what to say to you. 

“Am I disgusting if I do?” You feel disgusting. He betrayed your trust, he abused Terezi, he probably was emotionally abusive to you back in high school, before you really knew what the fuck was going on. But there’s something about him, something about the disaster that is Gamzee Makara that makes you want to hug him and drag him face first out of his spiral. 

“Nah, man. I’ll meet him if you want me to. But I’m gonna kick his ass if he touches you.” Dave says, fucking supportive as hell. 

“I fucking promise you I’ll rip his throat out before you even have the chance.” You assure him. 

“So, how are we gonna explain to John that this wasn’t a couple’s argument?” 

“I’m sure I’m pissed off at you about something not related to our relationship. We’ll just fucking wing it.” You smile. 

“You’re so romantic, babe.” 

“Shut up or I’ll romance you right in front of Egbert, bulge brain.” You threaten. 

“Woah are you now more cool with us being public than I am? Look at you, growin up and shit.” He lightly slaps your ass. 

“Okay, you are so close to getting my tongue down your throat in front of John, I swear.” 

“Alright, alright, we’ll save the spanking for later.” 

You would yell at him normally, but figure it’ll be more fun to take it out on him later. 

A few days later, the two of you make a deal to actually tell someone about your relationship, instead of continuing to let people walk in on you at inopportune moments. He volunteers to tackle Feferi while you chat with Equius. You figure you’ve kind of lucked out here, taking the guy who pretty much never speaks to anyone besides Nepeta, at least not about anything emotional like this. 

He’s actually taking a politics class with you this semester (man is his odd mix of conservativism in terms of troll politic juxtaposed to his liberal tendencies when discussing human politics confusing). The two of you will occasionally grab a cup of coffee (okay, hot chocolate, Dave still has you banned from caffeine) after class, so you casually ask him to do that with you today. Once you’ve got him seated outside the pub in the increasingly warm spring weather, you decide to get down to fucking business, bent on getting through your little chat before Dave is done with his. 

“…so anyway, that’s my take on the proposed bill, I think it’s going to end up being more harmful to trolls than good.” You honestly weren’t listening to a word he said, too wrapped up in your own bullshit. 

“Hey, Equius, you know Dave?” You ask him. Obviously he knows Dave. God damn it, Karkat. Try to be less stupid for the remainder of the conversation. 

“Yes…?” 

“He and I are dating.” 

“…oh.” 

“We have been for a year. Everyone but John knows. Don’t tell him.” You get it all out, fast and simple, before you get carried away. 

“He’s going to break your heart. End it.” 

Not the reply you were anticipating. What? 

“Uh, honestly Equius, that’s not really any of your fucking business. And, no, he’s not going to break my heart.” You raise an eyebrow at him. 

“Humans don’t understand troll romance, Karkat. Dirk could never pick a quadrant. The Striders are particularly awful at adjusting to alien culture. I understand the appeal there, I do, but it isn’t worth it.” He warns. 

“No offense, but Dave is much less of a tool than Dirk is.” You snarl at him. 

“I can’t give you orders, Karkat, but I really don’t approve.” 

“He’s your friend, asshole. How can you be this bitter about it? We aren’t even quadrant dating, we’re straight up human dating. I know, I know, you don’t like that shit either. Should I also bring up my mutant blood? Give you something else to bitch about?” You’re pissed off as hell now. 

He looks a little embarrassed, so you quit yelling and look away. 

“Nepeta told you about this ages ago anyway, didn’t she?” You ask. 

“Yes.” 

“Great. I’m gonna head out.” 

“Karkat, hold on. I might not trust humans, but for so long as he makes you happy, I will support your relationship. Should he terminate things before you’re ready for them to end, I’ll gladly kick another Strider’s ass.” He tells you. 

“Wait, did you and Dirk get into a fucking fist fight?” 

“I broke one of his swords.” 

“Wow. Nice.” 

You leave before the conversation has a chance to go downhill again, and check your texts. 

TG: fefs already knew  
TG: were gossiping now  
TG: you know how i told you nepeta and equius made out  
TG: apparently its like a thing  
TG: why is everyone secret dating bro  
TG: they stole our idea  
CG: I’M JUST FUCKING EXCITED EVERYONE WILL HAVE RELATIONSHIPS TO MEDDLE IN BESIDES OURS  
CG: ALTHOUGH I WISH I HAD THAT INTEL ON EQUIUS WHEN HE WAS GIVING ME SHIT ABOUT DATING YOU  
TG: what  
TG: whats there to give shit about im awesome  
CG: DIRK REALLY FUCKED HIM UP  
CG: THAT’S PROBABLY WHAT HAS HIM FLUSHED WITH HIS MOIRAIL  
CG: DISGUSTING  
TG: what you cant diamonds hearts vacillate   
CG: IT’S PRETTY TABOO   
CG: MOIRAILS ARE ALL ABOUT TRUST AND COMFORT WITHOUT SEXUAL ATTRACTION  
TG: but im your hearts and diamonds  
CG: NEWSFLASH DAVE WE’RE PRETTY FUCKED UP  
TG: word  
TG: ima get back to fefs  
TG: hmu later

Dave goes on for another two weeks thinking that, yes, this is perfect. Everyone can know except for John and things will totally stay that way. You tell him he’s an idiot several times, and that John won’t actually get pissed at him, but he refuses to believe you. Sometimes you don’t get his emotional train of thought, or if it’s really even a train of thought so much as a vague convoluted fuck storm in his head, but you love the kid so you’ll support his weird choices. 

You, on the other hand, spend your time preparing for the inevitable fallout of your not-so-secret boyfriend’s best bro eventually finding out you’re together.

It ends up happening in the most naked way possible because the universe hates you. 

Dave actually does go out and buy some bondage rope for you guys to fuck around with. You try using it at his place first, because he’s got a bigger bed and an actual bedframe to tie ropes to and shit. In the future you hope to have an aggressive make out fight that leads to the loser being tied up and fucked senseless, but this time he’s just trying to figure out how the hell knots work and using you as a naked test subject. You’re gagged and half bound when John walks in. 

Really you should remember to start locking doors. 

“Oh, Karkat! I didn’t know you were here, oh my god, sorry guys.” He turns around, covering his eyes, but doesn’t leave. Dave just sort of stands there in a panic until you kick him, and he moves to unbind and ungag you so you can both cover yourselves up. 

“Listen, John, I can explain-“ Dave begins, but Egbert cuts him off. 

“No, no, no, it was my fault I’m sorry! I should have knocked, I just, usually you guys are louder! I’m sorry, Dave, I’ll just pretend I didn’t see anything.” He apologizes. 

You catch something in that sentence that sounds a bit off, “What do you mean usually?”

“Oh, shit, ha ha, well, I guess I fucked that up too, man, I’m so flustered right now.” John giggles nervously, peeking over his shoulder to see if you’re both still exposing your intimate bits. 

“Wait, you knew? This whole time Dave’s been flipping out about you being pissed about us keeping this from you and you knew?” You ask him. 

“Oh, well, yeah. My bedroom is right next door, you guys. You’re really not as subtle as you think. Or as quiet. Which, now that we’re being all open about stuff, I have class really early on Fridays so if you could keep it down then…” He giggles again. 

“Oh fuck that’s enough of talking about sex with you, Egbert. Fuck.” You stop him. 

Dave, finally joining the conversation, adds in, “Dude, why didn’t you just tell us you knew?” 

“Well at first it just seemed like you really needed it to be a secret. And then when Terezi found out over summer, she made me promise not to freak you guys out, and then you told everyone else, and I was kind of pissed about that, so I thought it would be fun to mess with you a little bit.” He smiles. 

“Woah hold up, you knew before Terezi? When did you find out?” Dave asks for clarification. 

“I honestly can’t believe you don’t remember this Dave, wow. It was like, over a year ago. I figure it was pretty soon after you two kissed for the first time or something. You were ranting at me about something I was completely tuning out, and then slipped up and mentioned something about macking on Karkat. You didn’t even notice, you just kept on talking, and I gathered by the end of it that it wasn’t something you meant to say so I just shut up about it. For a year. A full fucking year, Dave. You owe me some major bro points.” John explains. 

The room gets quiet, everyone trying to figure out what to do with that information. You cannot fucking believe that Dave fucked up and let it slip that you were hooking up before you’d even kissed twice. Except that you can believe it, because wow Dave, everything just really comes out of that kid’s mouth eventually. And then it dawns on you. 

“Oh my god, Dave, I want my fucking twenty dollars back you loose lipped nook stain.” 

“Aw, fuck, Egbert, now you made me lose a bet.” 

Dave smiles, though, a genuine smile, and kisses you in fucking front of John. You guys put pants on and cuddle on the couch with him and Tavros, binge watching Family Feud. It feels nice. It feels normal. It feels like you’re in an actual fucking relationship instead of some bullshit secret sex espionage mission. 

It feels better than you thought it would. It feels perfect. 

Dave will later say he told you so.

You’ll use the gag on him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so i really have a thing for people finding out about secret relationships and dedicated an entire chapter to it. now we'll all be desensitized to that for awhile haha. also wow plot TWIST you were all right, dave actually did lose the bet like, a long ass time ago. and for some reason nepeta and equius are making out im actually really sorry about that i hate that ship moirail make outs freak me out but here it is, happening. 
> 
> so, okay. next chapter is gonna be super fluff, because after that things start getting hard for everyone, and then they get REALLY hard, and then they just get terrible. So. If any of you have any fluff or smut requests before I just really get into the tragedy part of this, plz feel free to let me know and i'll try add it in if i have time/if it fits w the chapter plots i already have written out <3


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this took forever and its so poorly edited and i have zero excuse.  
> next chapter will be like 1-1.5 weeks away because i got a new job and i am exhausted.
> 
> there is def SMUT in here if you wanna skip it, skip from after davekat's date (they start snogging in an elevator or something) to karkat's pov

“Dave, are you awake?” 

You weren’t, but it’s hard not to be jostled into consciousness when Karkat pulls his tiny body on top of yours and asks a question directly into your face. 

“Mm, w’as up babe?” You paw at his face, trying to be comforting. 

“I can’t stop thinking about Equius.” He says, pushing himself off you to talk directly into your ear. Man you’re too sleepy for that loud of a voice. 

“I have to say Karks, this is weird foreplay.” 

“Today during class, he told us humans should prioritize dismantling the class-based system of evacuating Alternian refugees. Equius. Fucking Equius said that, Dave. That is so not like him.” Karkat starts talking. 

Okay. It seems you’re going to have to wake the fuck up and have a conversation about the intricacies of Equius Zahhaks political beliefs. 

“Yeah, that is weird. You think it has something to do with Nepeta? Maybe she’s finally getting through to him now that they’re making out.” You sit up a little, trying to stop yourself from falling immediately asleep. 

“They’ve been moirails for years, if she didn’t rub off on him before, a few kisses aren’t going to do jack shit. It’s your brother. I know it is. Dirk really got in his fucking head. He keeps swearing, Dave. Equius. Swearing. Like, Dirk swearing. Strider swearing. Your whole fucking family curses like a bunch of nook munching sailors.” He props himself up on his elbow to look at you. 

“Yeah you’re one to talk there buddy. I don’t know, I guess it could be Dirk. You think he’s like, trying to impress my bro or some shit?” You ask. 

“I don’t think they even talk anymore. I think Dirk just actually chilled Equius the fuck out.” He says. 

“That’s cool yo.” You’re starting to drift back to sleep. 

“OR” 

And suddenly you’re awake again. 

“Or Equius is a fucking liar. He asked to help me on my thesis next year, Dave. What if he’s just trying to sabotage my research for his own conservative gains?” Karkat asks. 

“Dude that’s like, paranoid as hell.” You tell him. 

“What’s more likely, Equius is suddenly liberal and abandoning his entire upbringing because he banged your bro, or Equius is trying out some sneaky tactics to push his conservative agenda?” His eyes are all bugging out, actually worried. 

“I mean, from what I hear, Dirk is a fantastic lay.” You joke. Karkat doesn’t laugh. “You want me to ask Dirk about it, don’t you?” 

“You’re seeing him tomorrow anyway, Dave, I don’t get what the big deal is.” He finally closes his eyes, having gotten what he wanted. 

“But we weren’t gonna talk about feelings. Duude, that shit is so lame.” You whine. 

“We both know Dirk needs a good cheering up about Jake anyway.” He’s nestling into your side now, content that he’s won and that you’ll ask Dirk about it. He’s probably right. You’re too tired to argue, so you snuggle into his hair and resign yourself to a bro feelings jam tomorrow. 

It turns the fuck out that Karkat was right. You haven’t seen Dirk since Christmas, not for more than a quick burger at least. You assumed he was doing fine, because he’s always doing fine. Except apparently right the fuck now, when he is not doing fine at all. 

You get to his apartment a little early, so you expect shit to be a little messy. You did not expect to walk in on Dirk sitting cross-legged on the sofa staring down at a floor completely covered in what looks like a bunch of random knick-knacks and garbage. Then you see the pictures of Jake. It’s a shrine. Your bro has built a Jake shrine on his living room floor. 

“Oh, fuck dude, I’m early, sorry.” You try to apologize, to make this situation better somehow. 

He doesn’t even bother trying to hide what he’s doing. He can’t, you’ve already seen it. He just kind of sinks further into the sofa and hangs his head in his hands. You aren’t really sure what the fuck you’re supposed to do in a situation like this so you sit down next to him, quiet, wait for him to say something. 

It takes awhile, and it’s muffled by his hands, but finally he gets out “So I’m still not over Jake.” 

“Yeah dude. I see.” 

“I tried to do it. I dated someone else. For months. I hardcore dated Equius. I changed Equius’ life.” On the bright side of this disaster, you’re getting Karkat’s intel. 

“Maybe lets not focus on Jake. How was dating Equius? Was it fun, or whatever? Did you talk about horses together and shit?” You ask him. 

“It’s stupid. He was literally perfect for me. We had the same fucking interests. Horses, and robots, and weird horse robot kinks. He fucking worshipped me. You know how I get off on that. I like, actually made the dude rethink so many of his bullshit beliefs. I should love that. I’m an ego fucking maniac, why wasn’t that shit good enough for me?” He looks at you like you’re gonna be able to give him an answer. 

“Dude, I mean, sounds like your relationship maybe straightened some shit out for him kinkways, but you don’t need someone stroking your fucking ego. Jake never did that shit, not like you wanted him to. I mean, kid loved you and stuff, but he was his own fucking person. You get kind of fucking terrifying when you’re being manipulative, bro.” You tell him, honest as fuck. 

He collapses his head onto your shoulder. 

“Dave?” 

“Yeah man?”

“If he was asexual that entire fucking time, was I raping him? Did he even want to be doing all the shit we did? Was he just going along with everything I suggested to make me fucking happy?” He grasps onto your sleeve. 

“Man, you have to talk to him about this.” 

“Are you kidding? No. All of this shit is my fault. It’s my fault for pushing him to date me, over and fucking over. I was too manipulative, fuck, I’m awful Dave. I’m toxic. I fucking ruined his entire teen life. I can’t just ask him to talk to me about this shit after that. Jake wants us to be fucking friends. Normal friends. Who hang out and gossip and watch his god awful movies. I can’t ask him to drag up all the horrible things I made him feel, just so I can stop feeling guilty.” He grabs you harder. You hug him back. 

“I’m not gonna say you never fucked up with Jake-“ 

Dirk snorts. 

“Come on, listen. You fucked up, hella times. You’re like, crazy demanding, especially with him. There’s no denying that shit. But the kid knows you loved the crap out of him. He’s not going to be happy until you two are actually bros again. You know that, right?” You ask him. 

He peels himself off you, lays down on the couch. 

“Yeah, I know.” 

“So fucking talk to him, dickwad.” 

“I don’t like you being all relationship guru with me, kid. Can you just go back to bitching to me about how hot all the rest of the Egberts are like the good old days?” He cracks a joke. 

“Sorry man, I left all my Egbert feelings behind and have moved on to alien-ville.” 

“Dude, the tentabulge.” 

“Right?”

You fist bump. 

“Has Equius said shit to you? Did I fuck him over real hard too?” He asks you. 

“He’s acting pretty weird, dude. He’s swearing-“

“I started that. Kink thing.” 

“Okay, gross. He’s macking on his moirail. Apparently that’s super fucked up for trolls, I don’t know. Oh and tried to tell Karkat not to date me because Striders are super fucked up. So thanks for that man.” You figure you should be honest here. 

“Shit. How’d Karkat handle that?” 

“He stood up for you, you lucky little shit.” You tell him. 

“Fuck, really? I got the impression he hated me, with all the yelling about how shitty I was handling my feelings.” He confesses. 

“Nah, yelling means he cares.” 

“Wow dude, you would get into a relationship with someone like that.” He laughs. 

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” You’re on the defensive, now. 

“Aw, you know. He’s so fucking direct. It works well with your cagey bullshit.” He says. 

“It pisses him off.” 

“And now we’re talking about your weird kinks.” 

There’s another pause, just Dirk thinking and breathing. 

“Yo Dave? Do you think… Will I ever love someone as much as him? Am I ever gonna have that shit again?” It’s jarring that he’s asking you shit like this. Nine thousand break ups with Jake, and this is the first time you’ve ever seen the kid actually broken. 

“Man, that’s dumb. You still have a relationship with Jake. You aren’t fucking replacing him, you’re just making the transition into being platonic with him, alright? You’ll find the romance shit again, if you’re not a total cock to all the men you meet. That’s clearly not what you give a shit about right now, though. You care about your relationship with Jake. Fix it. Platonicways.” You don’t look at him as you say it. You’re kind of afraid of how he’ll take it. 

“Fuck man. You’re right. This blows, dude. It’d be so much more chill if I were a normal person who didn’t give a fuck about my ex. But, nope, here I am, in love with him forever.” Dirk sighs. 

“You could be moirails.” You regret it the second its out of your mouth. 

“What. Like troll shit? Dude are you telling me to quadrant up?” You can see his eyebrows raised over the tops of his shades. 

“I mean, platonic romance. Moirails. Sounds like what you and Jake could get up to now is all I’m sayin. I mean, I dunno. I guess if he’s aromantic too, it doesn’t work so well. But like, you could talk about it or some shit.” 

More silence. 

“Dirk? You know I’ve gotta make you put all this shit away, right?” You gesture to all his relationship memorabilia littering the ground. 

“I can’t decide what to do with it.” He admits. 

“Put it in boxes? Or I can help you throw it away.” You offer. 

“I feel like I should put it back up, honestly. Come to terms with the fact that all this shit is a part of my life, permanently.” 

“You don’t think that’s gonna be like… your relationship constantly haunting you?” You ask him. 

“It already fucking is. Might as well be upfront about it. Hang our pictures back on the walls. Besides, it’ll make him happy.” 

Man, Dirk is fucked. 

“Alright, enough of my moping. Let’s go grab some food and deal with this later, yeah? I owe you for this, bro. You get one free pass to be a complete wreck after your next break up in front of me.” He claps you on the back. 

You say it without thinking: “I’m not gonna have another break up.” 

“Woah. You’re like, really that into Karkat? You’re not just fucking?” He asks you. 

“We don’t gotta talk about this.” You’re positive you’re blushing. 

“Fuck man. I’ve never seen you so in love it shuts you up. Guess I’d better start spending more time with my future brother in law.” He smirks. 

“You’ve already got him hooked on fucking anime, kid doesn’t need any more of your influence.” 

“Holy shit, I’m gonna steal his number out of your phone once you get drunk.” 

“Jesus.” 

Six hours later, you’re getting bombarded with texts from your boyfriend. 

CG: DAVE  
CG: I CAN ONLY ASSUME FROM THE TIMING AND SEXUAL NATURE OF THE TEXTS IM RECEIVING THAT THIS STRANGE NUMBER IS DIRK  
CG: OR AM I BEING SOLICITED BY AN ACTUAL STRANGER  
TG: ooooh fack  
TG: fuck  
TG: ha he sad hed take my phone damnnn  
TG: daid  
TG: said  
CG: WOW YOU’RE WASTED  
TG: you dnt even know babe  
TG: you should comere  
CG: NO  
CG: GO TALK TO YOUR BROTHER  
CG: STOP BEING A LOVESICK NERD  
TG: nooooooooo  
TG: karka  
TG: t  
CG: I’LL PICK YOU UP AT THE TRAIN TOMORROW DWEEB  
TG: say tht you love me  
CG: I FORGET HOW NEEDY YOU ARE WHEN YOU’RE DRUNK  
CG: BUT I LOVE YOU  
TG: fckn nice 

Karkat (very illegally) drives to the train station in the morning to pick you up, saving you a hung over walk back to campus. He brings you his own personal hangover kit, too. Eight ounces of ice cold water, three ibuprofen, and one of those big popsicles made out of real fruit. He promises to make you a bacon egg and cheese after you “shower the rancid smell of bar” off yourself. It’s days like this you can tell he really fucking loves you, too. 

You know Karkat has been saving up literally all year to take you on a romantic date. You’re a little unsure if it’s to show you how much he cares, or just because he promised he’d beat the date you took him on, but you’re excited as fuck about it either way. Not that you’re telling him that in anything but the most sarcastic way possible. A week after your visit with Dirk, after you’ve both turned in all your work for the end of the semester, he announces it’s finally date time. 

“Okay, we’re only going to be in the city for a part of it. And you need to wear sweatpants. The fancy stuff will come later.” He’s looking at himself in the mirror, trying to pick out a pair of leggings that make his ass look the best. 

“Sweatpants?” You have no idea how he’s so concerned about the state of his ass. Seriously, 10/10 would squeeze again. 

“Yes, assmunch, sweatpants. You’ll fucking see why. I’m not just recreating your pretentious date, okay? Get ready for some of the most creative romance you’ll ever experience.” One of the corners of his mouth twitches up, showing teeth. You love his contorted half smiles, fuck. 

You have no fucking idea where he’s planning on taking you until you’re already in Manhattan, and he tinstructs the cab to take you to Chelsea Piers. 

“Fuck, dude, sweatpants? Chelsea Piers? Were you actually listening when I was talking to Nepeta about how cool trapeze classes would be? Is this shit happening right now?” You’re actually psyched as fuck. Circus shit is rad as hell, and so hard. You’ve wanted to try it out basically since you found out it was a thing. Ironically. Or maybe seriously. It’s hard to tell anymore. 

“I want you to know that I’ll kill you if you drop me up there. I’m not as big of a fan of heights as you are, okay?” He’s got a determined look on his face, but clutches his hand into the corner of your shirt as you enter the building. 

There’s only six of you in the class, all beginners. Half of what you learn about is safety, before they let you get on the flying trapeze and swing around. You’re embarrassed to say that you’re kind of horrible at it. Yeah, you’re strong, and you can pull yourself up better than some of the other people, but you’re not nearly as flexible as Karkat who, for all his anxiety, looks like a natural up there. You want to see him taking some of the other aerial classes, silks or lyra or something. He’d probably be good at the tight rope too. Tiny, flexible dick. 

At the end of class, you’re supposed to have learned enough to be able to hang from opposite swings from your partner upside down, and have one of you catch the other. Karkat is stupid excited, the showoff. You offer to be the catcher first, which actually goes crazy well. He jumps off his swing at exactly the right time, and you grab him, and on the next swing you manage to toss him back to his original swing which he actually fucking catches. The teacher goes wild, begs him to come back for regular classes. He gloats. 

Then it’s your turn to jump. He catches you, barely, only because your arms are super long. You do not manage to jump back to your original swing and fall face first into the net instead. He laughs at you, still upside down, and then drops down to meet you on the net gracefully and purposefully. 

If the goal of this portion of his date was to get you hot, sweaty, and super attracted to his physical agility, he’s fucking succeeded. 

Before you take the half hour train ride back to campus, he takes you to this tiny record store with three cats roaming around the shelves. You have no idea how he found a place like this, even you haven’t heard most of the music in here. You pick out a few records with the most ridiculous cover art you can find, and let him buy them for you. 

When you’re finally back on the train, you expect to just have some casual conversation with him, but he shoves a Walkman (where the fuck did he get one of these, the 1990s?) into your lap. 

“If you tell anyone about what you hear on there, I will dump your ass so fast jackass.” He warns, looking out the window. 

“Uh dude, what is this?” 

“I know you like to hear me sing. So. Fuck you, there it is. Are you going to listen, or what? Once in a lifetime opportunity here, Dave. I’m breaking that CD at the end of the day.” You can tell from his gaze that he’s serious. 

You slide the headphones on over your head and place an arm around Karkat’s shoulders as you hit “play”. Most of them are ridiculous Alternian songs, sung in a language you can’t understand, his voice skyrocketing up to octaves you could never reach. You honest to god can’t believe the pipes on this kid. It kills you that he’s so embarrassed about his voice, that all you ever get is overheard lyrics in the shower or quiet humming in the car. If you didn’t think he’d murder you, you’d try to steal this damn CD and keep that shit with you forever. 

He insists on driving you to your next destination, which kind of freaks you out. He does not have a license, or a permit, and even though you’ve been giving him driving lessons around campus, he’s not all that good yet. 

“Dude, holy shit, I love you but please turn down the music so you can hear the other cars honking at you.” You’ve got your hands gripping into the seat. Karkat swerves into the next lane, not even bothering to look behind him before he speeds up. You must make an anxious noise because he turns to you- eyes off the fucking road- and starts yelling. 

“That car was riding my ass, Strider, calm down, we’re just switching fucking lanes. Hey- HEY ASSHOLE GET OFF THE ROAD. Jesus Christ, why do they let old men drive? Fucking ridiculous.” 

“Oh my god you’re gonna kill me aren’t you. Some faux-romantic murder-suicide shit. Oh, fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck.” You double check that your seatbelt is buckled. 

“You go like ninety when you drive, I don’t know why you’re so worried about me-“ He slams on the breaks, “-GET OUT OF THE WAY JACKASS. Who the fuck do these kids think they are playing fucking ball in the road? God damn.” 

“I always knew you’d be the death of me Karkat Vantas.” He laughs like you’re joking. It’s probably the first time you’ve been serious in your life. 

“Okay, so, fuck. We’re almost there. If you think this is stupid we can just go. But I thought it’d be fun for you in an ironic way. But also romantic. So uh, here we are. Drive in movie. Fuck. Can we switch seats? I can’t park.” He hops out of the car. 

“Holy shit put the car in park before exit the vehicle Karkat.” Lucky you’ve got good reflexes and have no trouble sliding into the drivers seat before something terrible happens. 

The movie is pretty terrible, some classic black and white film noir shit you can’t seem to tear your eyes off of. It’s so corny it’s actually got Karkat laughing at it- Karkat, who genuinely finds romantic comedies moving. It’s nice, though. Romantic as hell. 

This is one of those moments you know you’re gonna remember for the rest of your life. Stretched out on the hood of your car, warm spring air cooling as the sun goes down behind you and the crickets come out, chirping over the music from the film. Karkat has one of his oversized sweatshirts around both your shoulders. He’s colder than you are, goose bumps lining his arms, and has you tucked away into his shoulder. It smells like popcorn and his honey-scented soap, and he’s wearing his black converse with one of the laces coming untied, and his collarbone hurts jamming into your shoulder blade. His laughter is high pitched and raspy, and you don’t hear half the movie because he keeps whispering nasty comments into your ear that leave you with stiches in your side. Towards the end of the movie, he pulls you closer to him and kisses you, slow and deep and smiling. He tastes like butter and the salt from his lips stings the cracks in yours. You’re the last two to pull out of the parking lot, too wrapped up in each other to give a shit when the movie ends. 

“I’m driving home, babe. I’d actually like to survive the night.” You tell him, sliding off the hood. He rolls his eyes and tosses you the keys. 

You take the long way home, driving through winding neighborhoods with the windows down. You both have an arm out the window, feeling on top of the fucking world. He puts a CD in- his Taylor Swift mix. You tap him on the shoulder, thinking he’s doing it to piss you off, but the second Bad Blood comes on he’s grinning and singing out the window. 

You swoop in at the rap section, trying to impress him, “I can’t take it back look where I’m at. We was like D on DOC remember that?-“ 

He cackles as you continue, turns it up louder so you can both get really into it when Taylor comes back in with the big, “Oh it’s so sad to think about the good times you and I-“ 

“Cuz baby now we got bad blood, you know it used to be mad love!” You’re both singing at the top of your lungs, Karkat slamming his hands on the dashboard while you tap your thumb on the steering wheel, and the breeze is so chilly and it smells like pollen and heat and the summertime and god, god, god you’re happy. You hop on the highway, cruising a little faster while Karkat cranks the beat up a little louder. 

You spend a lot of nights like this, you and him and all your friends, driving around singing stupid shit, picking up shitty fast food from drive-thru windows and dancing in the backseat of the car. There’s something about tonight though, the glow in your chest and the smile in Karkat’s eyes that has you thinking that when you look back on these drives in thirty years, this is the night you’re going to remember. 

When you get back to your apartment, he kisses you against the car, and in the lobby, and in the elevator. He whispers that he loves you, fuck, he loves you. 

“I love you too, Karks, but when we get into my room, I’m gonna tie you up and make you beg.” 

“I fucking dare you to try.” 

It’s less of a pain to avoid talking to your roommates than you expected. Tavros and Aradia have their dorky D&D friends camped out in his room, and John and Terezi are locked in their frequently increasing good-natured arguments over some stupid TV show plot. The second you have him in your room with the door locked, the mood shifts from cute and romantic to aggressive and sexual. 

Karkat grabs you by the shoulders, nails digging into your sleeveless arms, and jams his mouth against yours. His tongue flicks against your mouth, warm and wet, and you part your lips. He presses his tongue against your own, his hands already busy at unbuttoning your jeans. 

Not wanting to let him get the best of you, you snake an arm in between you and grab him by the throat. Karkat hisses as you slam him against the wall, peeling off his shirt with your free hand. He’s still working on your pants, more aggressively now, and pushes your boxers down to the floor with them when he finally manages to get the buttons undone. 

You both break the mood for a split second, giggling as you kick off your shoes and take off your remaining clothes, but get right back into it when he says, tongue flicking his lips, “I wanna see you with your ass in the air”. 

“Oh, hell no Karkat. You’re the one getting fucked tonight.” 

He bares his teeth at you, daring you to try, while you rifle through your bedside drawers looking for your bondage ropes. You lick your lips at him when you’ve finally got them in your hands. 

You come back together like magnets, teeth clanking against each other as you fight over control of the ropes. It helps that your limbs are longer than his. You can hold the ties above his head in one hand as you fight off his clawing and biting with the other. He’s not going to win this, and he knows, and he’s drawing a little extra blood just so you know how pissed he is about it. 

You manage to grasp both of his hands above his head and pin him to the bed. Before you start with the ropes, you lean in and whisper into his ear, “You remember our safe word Karkitten?” 

He spits in your face. 

“Don’t be like that, pet.” 

“I’m not your fucking pet, Strider. You’re gonna have to take me fighting.” 

You smirk, and grab for his left arm, but pause for a second to confirm, “Seriously, you remember the safe word?”  
“Yes, jackass.” 

You have a knee pressed into his chest holding him down while he sinks his nails into your thigh. You forcefully grab his left forearm and bring it down to meet his left calf, and use two bondage ropes to tie them together, foot to hand, elbow to knee. 

“That’s all you’ve got, Dave? Can’t think of a more creative position?” 

“This one’s called the crab, pretty boy, and you’re about to see just how fucking fun it is.” You tell him, tying his opposite limbs together in the same fashion as he thrashes and curses at you. 

You like him like this. He’s got enough mobility to fight back a little, but not enough to stop you from doing what you want with him. He’s on his back on the bed, struggling to look at you or wiggle into a new position while you start looking through your supply of sex toys. You plan on using the entire arsenal on him tonight. 

First, something for you. He got you this cute toy for Christmas, the We-Vibe. You slip one end of it inside your vagina and let the other hug your clit while it vibrates. You need a second to catch your breath when it first turns on, and Karkat looks fucking hungry watching you pleasure yourself. 

“I’ve got- ah- something for you too, Vantas.” You wink at him, brandishing a small vibrator. 

“Like I need you to feel good- ahh, ah, fuu-ck you, Strider, fuck.” His insults break down into moans when you press the vibrator, full blast, against the slit his bulge is hiding in. You know forcing his bulge out is crazy overstimulation for him, and you know the prick likes it. You run a finger along the bone that conceals it, and try to slip the vibrator inside to coax it out. His teeth are gritted, trying not to give away his pleasure, but his bulge betrays him when in pushes out and wraps itself around the vibrator, stealing it from your hand. 

You take the opportunity to hoist him up into your arms and flip him over on the floor, face and knees digging into the ground with his legs spread and ass in the air. You’ve got another vibrator at the ready, a thicker one, ready to toy with his nook. First, you want to taste it. 

He sucks in a sharp breath when your tongue flicks against him. He’s so wet already, just from his bulge twisting against the vibrator. You’ll never get sick of the way he tastes, like honey, like candy, like Karkat. 

“Are you gonna fuck me or just tease me you piece of shit?” He cranes his head towards you, still smushed against the floor, and wiggles his tied together arms and legs a little further apart to give you better nook access. 

You slam the vibrator into him, no warning, pressing it firmly against his seed flap. A noise comes straight out of his chest, nonhuman and deep. You press it into him, deeper, so it hurts, until the noise breaks into high-pitched pleas for release. 

“Better use my name, kitten.” 

He growls at you, resisting. You press the vibrator a fraction of an inch further into him, and his voice cracks. 

“Da-ave, please, fuck me, fuck me Dave, fuck me.” 

You quit the teasing and start moving it inside him, twisting around like a bulge would. He moans, satisfied, and pushes his hips back into you as you work the vibrator with your hand. Your goal here is to get his nook so turned on it clutches on to the little device all on its own. Its only takes a little while, and the second you feel his muscles clenching against the vibrator you move your hand- eliciting a small whine of annoyance from Karkat. You slap him on the ass to shut him up, and step into your strap on as quickly as humanly possible. You come back to him and spread his ass cheeks forcefully apart, slicking his remaining orifice with lube. 

He springs forward, shocked by the cold sensation. 

“What the fuck are you doing, Dave?” He sounds nervous. You remove your hand. 

“Fuck, dude, I’m sorry, I know we’ve never done that before, I shouldn’t have picked a time when you were all tied up to try it out, fuck, fuck.” You’re an idiot, Dave, you don’t just have access to his full body. 

Karkat let’s out and exasperated sigh. 

“This. THIS is why you never get to be the top, Dave. Did I use the safe word?” 

“Uh” 

“Did I fucking use the safe word nookfuck?”

“No.” 

“Then use me like the tied up slut I am, Jesus Christ.”

It’s ridiculous that Karkat manages to be the dom even when he’s completely incapacitated with his ass in the air. 

Before you press into him, you take a moment to ogle the beauty spread out before you. His bulge is going fuck crazy on that vibrator in anticipation of the new sensation, and his nook is absolutely dripping with that gorgeous red genetic material. You can see the nook muscles twitch against the vibrator still stuck inside of it. It’s too much, too fucking much. You need him, need to be inside him. 

With the We-Vibe still pressed against your clit, you line up your strap-on with his asshole and press into it ever so slightly. You see his claws dig into his own ankles as you begin to slide inside, making sure not to go any faster than he’s ready for. You know you’re supposed to be all kinky with him right now, but you run a hand lightly across his hipbone, leaning forwards over him so you can whisper in his ear as you continue to push your strap-on deeper inside him. 

“Are you okay, Karkat?” You ask when you feel the hilt press up against his skin. 

“It’s good, it’s so good. Move, Dave, fuck me.” 

You kiss the back of his neck repeatedly, pull out, and push back in. There’s no noise coming out of him, just choked breaths. When you feel him enjoying it, really, honestly getting used to it, you come back up to kneeling so you can watch the sex from above. 

You want a picture of this. You want nine thousand fucking pictures of this. His face is on the floor, a puddle of drool forming from all his moans. His shoulders and knees are forming bruises getting shoved against the hard wood, and his ankles are bleeding where his nails are still boring holes into them. This is fucking perfection. 

“Dave, I’m gonna- fuck- I’m gonna- pail.” 

You stop moving. 

“No.” 

“Fucking excuse me?” 

“No. You can’t cum, you have to wait for me.” 

His growl is genuine. 

You shimmy out of your strap-on, and slide a bullet vibrator inside of it. You want it in his ass, still, just like the one stuffed inside his nook. Once you’re out of all your sex toy gear, you get on your back in front of him and lift his face onto your cunt. 

“You can cum after you make me orgasm.” You instruct him. He looks like he wants to protest, but all the whirring coming from his tail end as him chin deep in your junk. 

It’s not his best job down there. He doesn’t have hands, not even to hold him up, so the entire weight of his body is pressing down into your cunt. It’s sloppy, and wet, and hard, and desperate, and fuck holy shit something about that has you even hotter than usual. It’s only minutes till you’ve got your hands fisting through his hair, moaning right along with him. 

“Now, Karkat, fucking pail right the fuck now.” You demand. 

As if he’s been holding it back the entire time, he starts to orgasm. You hear a vibrator clunk to the floor while his voice raises an octave, mouth still sucking at your clit. The vibrations from his vocal cords in combination with the delicious noises you’re hearing send you over the edge, blood rushing to the pit of you as you cum with him, clit pulsing, legs wrapping tighter around his beautiful fucking face. 

He looks like he’s been murdered at the end of it all, tied up and collapsed in a pile of fluids on the floor. You hate him like this, honestly. The sex was fun, but seeing him ruined makes you want to cry. You take your toys out and off of him, and put him on the bed as gently as possible as you untie his ropes. He’s still breathing hard, so you get busy toweling him off and kissing at the huge bruises on his knees. 

Karkat doesn’t say anything until the lights are off and you’ve rinsed off and peed and have you both cuddled under blankets in bed. 

“I’m a better dom than you.” He informs you. 

“But you fucking love being a bottom.” You add. 

“Apparently.” 

“I love you, Karkat.”

“Love you too, Dave.” 

“Your date kicked my date’s ass, by the way.” 

“I know.” 

Your boyfriend is an asshole. 

\----------------------------------------

You are not looking forward to this “vacation” nearly as much as Dave seems to be. No matter how many times you attempt to explain the less than amicable relationship you have with your forced-guardian Kankri, he refuses to get through his thick skull that the nature of troll custodial relationships does not, in any way, mimic the familial lifestyle of humans. He just rattles off about how excited he is to meet your older bro. 

Taking a plane with Dave is a hell of a lot like taking a plane with a human child. He can’t sit still in his fucking seat, he starts whining if you don’t provide him with ample snacks, and he touches fucking every button he can get his hands on. At least it keeps you laughing for the six-hour flight. 

Kankri insists on picking you both up from the airport, which is fucking stupid, because he doesn’t have a car. It’s really just Kankri riding the train and two buses back to the troll sector with you and Dave and all your luggage. Dave makes the mistake of saying any words to Kankri at all, asks him for stories of you as a kid, and Kankri spirals into this ridiculous lecture about how inconsiderate it is to ask the intimate details of someone’s past without first obtaining their consent. 

On the bright side, it means Dave never has to hear about shit like your first day of human school, when you got anxious and cried so hard you vomited in your cubby and were so embarrassed you didn’t tell anyone for a full week, when people started questioning the smell. Yeah, Dave can never be privy to information like that. 

Dave and Kankri spend most of dinner- a confusing amalgamation of traditional Alternian food and cheap human cuisine- interrogating each other. They get on… unsettlingly well. Neither of them will shut up, and Dave frustrates Kankri to no end. You kind of like the way he teases the troll in a way that gets him flustered and tripping over his own words, in a way that your yelling has never been able to. When Dave goes to use the ablution block, Kankri tells you that he couldn’t imagine you finding someone who better compliments your personality. He leaves you alone after dinner, after you promise to go on some random outing with him in the morning. 

You find Dave poking around your respite block. It feels sensitive, private. When he fingers through your old bookshelf, it feels a lot more like he’s leafing through little bits of you that you haven’t had the chance to tell him about yet. 

“Why don’t you buy books in Alternian like this anymore?” He asks you, flipping through one of your more embarrassing young adult novels that he thankfully cannot read a word of. 

“Easier to find shit in English, I guess. I share half my books with you, anyway. Have to buy something you can actually read.” You tell him. 

“Wanna help me learn Alternian?” He asks. You think he’s fucking with you for a second, but the way he’s studying the letters of your book makes you think he might be sincere. 

“If you teach me Spanish. It’s pathetic I’ve only mastered one Earth language.” 

He responds to you in Spanish, rolling his R’s and biting his lip. It sounds sexy and romantic, but you’d be willing to bet your entire collection of steamy romance novels that it was actually something vulgar and offensive. 

He switches back to English to say, “Dude is this your old desktop computer? Oh man, does it still work? Think of the gems we could find in here, cashin in like miners during the gold rush.” 

“Let’s not fucking turn it on, and say we did.” 

“Come on Karks, can’t be worse than the trash you have on your laptop now.” 

“Let’s see, shitty viruses, old saved corny pesterlogs with Terezi, god awful original fiction… yeah, I’ll get right on showing you that shit.” 

“Dude, more than anything, I want to read smut that fourteen year old Karkat wrote. More than anything, dude. Anything.” 

You groan and hook your fingers through his belt loops, dragging his face down into a kiss. 

“Is that a yes Karkles?” 

“We can look through it later tonight.” 

He kisses you again, hand in your hair, then goes back to staring at your walls. They’re lined with pictures of you and your high school friends. So, Terezi and Gamzee with an occasional Vriska photo bombing. 

“It’s crazy seeing you without pink hair, dude. Can’t believe the black is your, like, natural state of being.” He comments. 

“I know, I look much better punk.” You muse, half sarcastic. 

“Punk? You’re emo trash, Karkat.” 

“Whatever.” 

“Wanna show me around town? It’s not that late. We’re only here for a couple days, might as well get out there right?” He asks you. 

“It’s not nice out there, you know.” You warn Dave. 

He kisses your forehead, “I wanna see where you grew up.” 

You walk him around, with his arm slung across your shoulder. It’s unsettling being back here after so long, especially with this new pair of eyes. You’ve always known this place was a shit hole. Troll quarters always are. But, fuck. Having seen his house, his town, his family… this is almost embarrassing. He doesn’t make fun of you, though. He asks questions about what all the buildings are used for, how many troll families that can pack into a hive stem, why there are so many cops around. 

You wander a bit out of the troll sector so Dave can see your high school. Normally, you wouldn’t risk being out in the human part of town so late at night, not when there’s so many humans around to get “spooked” and call the police on you, but you figure you’re safer with Dave as an escort. So you take him to the school. You show him the window you’d sneak out of to cut second period every day, the parking lot where you’d had your first fight (the guy kicked your ass), and the brick wall you’d smashed the bastard’s head into a week later in retaliation. 

You take him to the playground across the street. It’s where you met Gamzee for the first time. You tell him about the make-believe games the two of you would play up in one of the towers until you were too old, and turned it into your smoking spot. You show him the monkey bars you took Terezi to on your first date, the first time you told her you liked her, the first time she’d kissed you. You try to kiss him up there, too, but he won’t let you, says something about not wanting to spoil the memory of your very first blushing virgin crush. 

You don’t mean to take him to… that place. It’s on the walk home, though, this tall as fuck parking garage. He senses you pale as you walk by it.

“Hey Kar, is that the place where you uh… where you almost?” He takes your hand in his for stability. 

“Yeah.” 

“You wanna… go up there? Or keep walking?” 

“Do you honestly want to see the place I almost killed myself?” It’s not that you want to go up there, it just… feels like you should. Like you should revisit that shitty point in your past with someone who makes you actively wonder what the fuck you were thinking at the time. 

“If you want me to see it.” 

“Yeah, let’s go.” 

It’s different sitting up here with Dave. You’ve smoked with Gamzee on this rooftop a thousand times, and came up here a hundred more on your own to think about ending it all. You’ve always felt… unsettled about it all, about the awful feelings you used to have about yourself. Some of your old habits aren’t completely gone. You still find yourself clawing at your arms when you’re upset, or reaching for a beer when you don’t feel like dealing with shit. It’s not like it used to be, though. Not an every day occurrence, not something you can’t keep out of your brain. 

Dave does kiss you up here, looking over the city, when you ask him to. 

“What, you don’t mind tainting my memories of trying to off myself?” You ask him when you’ve torn your face away from his. 

He pauses for a minute and decides on, “Just thought you could use to have a happy memory up here, bro. Maybe past Karkat can look off this building and see himself mackin on someone who’d fuckin die for him, and decide living is worth it.” 

“Do you have places like this?” You ask him. 

“Nowhere I tried to off myself. Probably just the bathroom, dude. The locker room. Anywhere with mirrors where I had to look at myself in that stupid fucking body.” He admits. 

“I love your body.” 

“I put a hell of a lot of work into it.” 

“I would’ve loved you no matter what you looked like.” You aren’t sure if it’s the right thing to say, but it’s true. 

He pauses again, “Were you more into me before my surgery?” 

You don’t know how the fuck you’re supposed to respond to that. Is he honestly worried you aren’t attracted to him? Does he not remember all the sex you had like, two hours ago? 

You decide to go with the truth, “You know, I was probably in love with you most of the time I knew you. It’s hard to say, mixed up with my breakup with Terezi and shit, but, fuck. This is embarrassing. I just, always wanted to hang out with you, asshole. All the fucking time, constantly. Tell you shit I didn’t tell other people. But the first time I realized how fucking attracted I was to you? It was when you were drugged off your ass in the hospital, showing me your disgusting bloody chest. I’d never seen you that happy before.” 

He seems satisfied, sprawls himself across your lap. You expect to get some shit for admitting your giant crush on him later, but spend the next half hour just honestly enjoying sitting up here, in this awful fucking place, with your boyfriend. 

You get the courage to call Gamzee the next morning. Dave knows you need some space, so he offers to take Kankri to breakfast for a little one-on-one bonding. You anticipate he’ll be a pissed off wreck when he gets back from that lecture, and already have some sexual favors in the back of your mind to repay him. Also non-sexual favors. Your not fiends you just, know what you like. Fuck. 

Gamzee picks up on the sixth ring, and you hate that you counted. 

“Karbro?” He sounds unsure that this is really happening. 

“Yeah, Gamzee. It’s me.” 

“What’s got you all up and calling me? Is shit alright? Is Terezi… are you…?” If he didn’t sound so fucked up, you’re sure you’d be able to sense worry in his tone. 

“We’re fine. I’m just… in town. Staying with Kankri for a few days. With my… boyfriend. Thought maybe you’d want to hang out. Meet him. And I… I wanted to see how you were. See if you’re doing okay.” It’s hard to get it out, to admit it, to come to terms with the fact that, as much as you’ll never trust him again, you care if Gamzee Makara is dead or not. 

It’s a lot of breathing on the other end, and then him talking to someone else. Takes him a good forty five seconds to say back to you, “Got a party all up and motherfucking happening tonight. Why don’t you and this kid that’s got your heart all twisted up stop by.” 

“Parties aren’t really my scene anymore, you know that.” 

“Always got people over here, Karbro. Every day. Can’t be getting too much outside, got some motherfuckers lookin for me.” 

“Shit. Who the fuck is… what did you… Argh, fuck, never mind, never fucking mind. What time should we get there?” You push through his bullshit. You just want to see him. Drag him out of there. 

You hear him ask whoever the fuck is in the room with him what day it is. Shit. Then he comes back to you, “Whenever you fuckers are ready to come over, just knock. All my friends are up and mother fuckin waking up on my couch right now, gonna start getting faded real soon.” 

“Gamzee it’s eleven in the morning.” 

More silence. 

“Yeah, fine, Makara, we’ll be over soon.” 

Dave encourages you to leave with him for Gamzee’s very soon after he arrives back to your hive. He confesses on the walk over that, really, Kankri seems like a good enough guy, but he might just strangle him if he has to talk to him for another five minutes today. You’re having trouble focusing on your conversation with him, terrified of the interaction you’re about to have. 

Your boyfriend is a fucking trooper. When you arrive at Gamzee’s, clomp your way into the disgusting dark basement where he has himself holed up, Dave sits down on the sofa Gamzee offers him, not batting an eyelash. You’re almost positive this has to be the most disgusting place he’s ever been in, but he’s being supportive. 

There’s five or six fucked up kids in there, all in varying degrees of clown makeup. A couple of them are conscious enough to fuck around with a random videogame, but most of them look like they’re still passed out from the night before. Gamzee already has a Faygo in his hand, pupils dilated, words a jumbled mess. You’re not sure he recognizes you when you first sit down next to him, but then he does, and he’s all over you. 

“Fuckin, this kid, this Karkat. College boy Karbro. Fuck, look at your hair man, all up and pink. You got yourself a job and shit? Doin your successful thing? One of these girls just started community college, man, gotta talk to her about your common interests when she wakes up.” He points at one of the passed out clowns. 

You’re having trouble making the connection between this person sitting in front of you and the Gamzee Makara you knew when you were a kid. You remember having to cut eleven year old Gamzee out of a swing when his hair got caught in it, and twelve year old Gamzee making a stupid music video with you on top of some human kid’s trampoline. You remember thirteen year old Gamzee getting you both called to the guidance counselor’s office for hiding weird as hell outfits in your locker for the both of you to dress in, and fourteen year old Gamzee getting weirdly obsessed with those online doll dress up games. Fifteen year old Gamzee held back your hair the first time you drunk vomited, and sixteen year old Gamzee freaked out with you in Terezi’s attic when you’d both gotten a little too stoned and convinced yourselves there was a ghost. You were still making shitty forts to play nerdy card games in with him when you were seventeen, and you both walked a mile together to buy your first lotto tickets when you turned eighteen. 

That kid is not this kid. It fucking can’t be. It doesn’t make sense in your head how someone you spent years cuddling up to, laughing with, spilling your guts to… how he could turn into this person you can’t even begin to understand. It’s not even the drugs that are the worst of it. It’s the way he forms his sentences, the way he looks at the girls in the room. He’s misogynistic and manipulative, he’s preoccupied with money and street grudges that make no fucking sense to you. And he’s angry. Actually angry. He wants to fight, and yell, and it fucking terrifies you, and you don’t want Dave here seeing this, thinking that this is what you did in high school, who you were before him. 

The heat and haze from all the smoke down there is making you nauseous as hell. You ask Dave six times if he’ll be fine alone while you take a break in the bathroom to splash some water on your face, and he finally convinces you that it’ll be alright. You lock yourself in there for longer than necessary, taking deep breaths, trying to convince yourself in the mirror that this shit isn’t fucking you up. You can’t believe this is the place Terezi managed to crawl out of. Her current fucked up mental health makes a hell of a lot more sense after seeing this shit, old pie tins scattered along the floor, baggies and money and a thick layer of nicotine on the walls. There’s the photos all over the walls too, of people who died in ways you’re too afraid to ask about, morbid memorials of kids on drugs who died to young. This is Gamzee’s life. His actual fucking life. 

You don’t expect Dave to be making conversation when you get back, but he is. You pause around the corner, listen in to what he and Gamzee are talking about after you hear one of them mention your name. 

Gamzee’s in the middle of a sentence, “…he’s all up and happy with you?” 

“I guess, man. Laughs all the time.” Dave responds. 

“Karbro laughing? Haven’t heard that shit in years. You better treat him right, motherfucker.” Gamzee laughs but you hear the threat in his tone. 

“Dunno if you’re really the one to be defending him, dude.” Oh, fuck, goddamn it Dave. There’s a silence, and then he continues, “You know it fuckin kills the kid seeing you like this, right?” 

“Ain’t nothing you have to worry about.” Gamzee deflects. 

“See, but, it is, because Karkat’s worried about it.” 

“Karkat can’t up and be responsible for me forever.” 

Dave laughs, “Something we agree on. Listen dude, I don’t want Karkat trying to clean up your shit any more than you do. I’ve got some experience with addiction though. You ever want to get clean, you give me a call.” 

“Don’t know if I remember how to be sober brother.” 

“Figure it the fuck out. For Karkat.” 

You don’t think you can stand to hear Gamzee’s response, so you step back into the room. You’re positive Dave knows you’ve been listening in judging by the way he stands up to meet you. 

“Hey, babe, why don’t I give you two some time alone?” He suggests.

“Please don’t go far.” You instruct. He plants a kiss on your temple and walks up the stairs. 

Gamzee’s just looking off at the wall. He’s so fucked up. It’s so early, and he’s so fucked up. Part of you wants to hit him, but the sensible bit of you knows he’d probably end up murdering you in a drugged up haze. Instead, you find yourself sitting pressed up against his side with your arms wrapped around him. 

It takes him a minute to notice. “Karbro? Thought you were takin a piss. Your boy left?” 

“He’s waiting for me.” 

“You gonna drag me out of this place Karkat?” He asks you like it’s inevitable. 

It’s not. “Would it help?” 

“Don’t think so.” 

You try to stand up, but he’s clutching onto your hand.

“What, Gamzee? Fucking, what?” 

“It’d make a mother fucker happy if I let him take me somewhere?” He still won’t look at you, but his grip on your wrist is getting tighter. 

“Seriously? Fuck. Fuck, yes, Gamzee. Yes, that would make me happy.” 

“I like it when you’re happy Karbro.” 

“Do you… now?”

“Ain’t nothing keeping me here. Maybe you don’t take me though. Maybe you just go home, let your boyfriend fuckin take care of me.” It looks like he’d be sad, if he really knew what was going on. 

“I can take you, Gamzee. I can take care of you, it’s fucking fine, if you’re doing this for me, if you’re actually fucking doing this, I can take care of you.” 

“You’re not my moirail anymore. Don’t need you takin’ care of me. Besides, I’ll about to get all kinds of aggressive once I realize what I’ve up and agreed to.” He insists. 

He sends you home, and makes Dave stay, and it feels fucking awful waiting in your bed for hours looking at all these goddamn memories from your good times with this fucking disaster who doesn’t even want your help anymore. That, and you’re terrified something will go wrong. He’ll decide not to go, or he’ll try to hurt Dave, or he’ll try to hurt himself. When Dave finally gets home, you’re tucked away under the covers pretending to sleep. He’s got a black eye. He asks if you want to hear about it, and you say no, and you don’t talk about it again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so just some fun notes: equius growing as a person (but having some weird speedbumps along the way) is something i am v invested in so there's going to be more equius soon and im probably sorry. 
> 
> i keep adding actual music into the story and its probably lame but its going to keep happening.
> 
> gamzee's bac k 
> 
> tbh i wish i weren't so obsessed w davekat because there are so many characters i want to explore more that i just dont have the energy to get into after writing this romance bullshit
> 
> probably there was something i want to say that i dont remember right now
> 
> oh hey one more time promo @ myself corybanticgloom.tumblr.com  
> if yall want me to follow you just message me i will do it for sure (but give mobile is awful so it might take like a sec)
> 
> next chapter there's gonna be so much COLLEGE KID ROMANCE. all the kids are gonna date. all of em.


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i sure am sorry this took so long! training for my new job was INTENSE and i was apartment hunting and man those things are hard. im moving in like a week and a half, so shit might be a liiiittle slow coming out again, but i'll try my hardest not to make it take THIS long ever again ever im so so sorry you are all perfect for waiting so patiently. ok go chapter go!

You wake up from your nap groggy and sweaty, with Karkat’s fingers tapping impatiently across your stomach. 

“Fuck, is it time to get up already?” You ask him, as if it isn’t obvious. 

“How the fuck are you so casual about this? It’s our last first day of undergrad, dick brain, try to give a shit.” His gentle taps turn into flicks. 

“Dude we don’t even have classes till next week.” You correct him.

“Oh, Jesus, sorry for my slightly inaccurate terminology. Thank you for reminding me that this is only our last first night of campus parties for the year, the last first night everyone is back on campus. That’s so much less important and depressing. This isn’t at all a milestone in our lives. We aren’t rushing headfirst towards the abyss of adulthood or anything.” He’s completely removed his hands from your body in favor of waiving emphatically into the air. 

“We’ve got a whole year, Karks. Lighten up.” You tousle his hair.

He scowls back at you, “My thesis is going to eat my life away, Dave. This might be my last party. Ever.” 

Now he’s just being dramatic. 

“All the more reason for you to get fucking sloshed tonight.” Sometimes it’s easier just to agree with him. 

“No shit. That’s why you’re waking the fuck up and coming to buy tequila with me.” He smirks. 

“Oof, tequila? Let’s also pick up some beer for me, I don’t think I can go all out tonight.” Your stomach feels a little sick just thinking about it. Last time you drank tequila… well, okay, so you don’t exactly remember, but Karkat promises you that it involved a good amount of vomiting and crying. 

You end up driving half your friends to pick up their liquor rations for the evening. Even you start feeling that wave of “this is the end” when Aman, the cashier you’ve been buying liquor from for the past three years (only recently legally) starts cracking jokes about how his sales are going to be cut in half once you all graduate. 

This is the one night of the year that security tends not to give a shit about, so you all feel daring enough to start your drinking on the two picnic tables haphazardly placed on the lawn. Turns out, you’re the only one not getting completely hammered. Aside from TZ, of course, who is still handling all the drinking that goes on around her with the fucking grace of a queen. You watch Karkat down three shots in a row, gagging a bit at the last one, before realizing that, oh shit, it’s about to be that kind of a fucking night. You don’t plan on getting nearly that trashed, but you shotgun a beer real quick so you can still feel like a part of the group. 

You wonder what TZ must feel like halfway through. 

You try not to fucking think about it by putting her on DJ duty, in charge of your speakers and iPod and everything. You know it’s going to come back to all spit-y and licked up but it’s a small price to pay to make that chick smile. 

People fucking flock to the lawn once TZ has the music going, seniors whose faces you’re tired of seeing and freshman who look like they came to college straight out of the cradle. John tells you he can’t fucking believe that was you guys, three years ago. You’d like to think you at least looked a little fucking cooler. 

You and he take a nice long drunken walk around the lawn, pausing for an extended period of time in front of your freshman year dorm. 

“Can’t believe we used to share a fucking bedroom.” You say.

“Thank god that stopped before you started dating Karkat.” He laughs. 

“Because me having to watch you and Vriska was so much fucking fun.” You roll your eyes. 

“Oh, fuck. I totally dated Vriska, didn’t I? Who the fuck let me do that?” 

“We tried to stop you, bro.” 

“Karkat tried to stop me. You just kept making kissy noises around us.” He elbows you. 

“And you didn’t get ‘don’t date her’ out of that shit?” 

He elbows you again. 

There’s a small silence that has you feeling a little awkward, has you realizing that you aren’t as close to John as you used to be. Fuck yeah he’s still your best bro and all, but you two used to be inseparable. Even when you were dating Jade in high school, you’d do the nasty with her but end up crashing in John’s bed. Just because, fuck, it was John. Why wouldn’t you want to have a sleepover with him? Hell, the first few weeks of freshman year y’all had your beds pushed together to form a giant bro bed, because you were both so terrified of everything new going on around you. 

You spend most of your time with Karkat, now. Or with all of your roommates, all together, Tavros and Terezi and John. You wonder if it bothers him. You’re not going to ask. Instead:

“Speaking of the troll ladies, you’ve been hangin with TZ a bunch, Egbert.” He visibly flushes when you say this. 

“You hide Karkat from me for a year but get to cross examine me the second I start talking to a girl?” His blush deepens. 

“Apparently I wasn’t really hiding it.” 

“Hey, Dave?”

“Yeah bro?”

“So, you and Karkat… how do you navigate the troll romance?” He looks you dead in the shades, clearly interested. 

“Uh, fuck. I mean, we don’t dude. I don’t think I would’ve been able to do it, even if he wanted to. Okay, fuck, I guess at the time I was into him so hard that I probably would have tried, but it probably would have been a fucking disaster. Rose and Kanaya are playing around with that shit, man. Ask them.” You tell him, honestly. 

“So you’re just, human dating?” 

“Nah. We’re, like, all quadrant dating. Multi-quadrant.” 

“So, even kismesis?” 

“Oh my god, do you have a spades crush on Terezi?” There’s more blushing, but he doesn’t say anything so you continue, “Is that the vibe you’ve been getting from her?”

“I guess, maybe.”

“Dude, talk to Karkat.” 

“It won’t be weird? He… dated her.” John points out. 

“Pretty much everything is uncomfortable when you’re talking to Karkat. He’s cool about the TZ thing though. So chill about it we met up with Gamzee this summer.” You tell him. 

“What? Holy shit, how’d that go?” 

“I ended up taking him to rehab.” 

“Does Terezi know?” 

“Nah, man. And maybe don’t tell her.” 

“Right.” 

“Cool.” 

“So wanna go talk to her with me?” He grins. 

“Holy shit, you’ve got it bad.” You start walking over towards her, though. 

“Okay, no, not true. I just like arguing with her, alright? Like… I don’t think I could date her, you know? But the kismesis thing? Hate make outs? I could do that.” He muses. 

“Woah. You’ve really thought about this.” You kind of thought he was just drunk talking at you before this. 

He doesn’t have time to respond. You’re back in the group, in the crowd, and as if she can smell what you’re talking about, Terezi is there slinging an arm around John. 

“Come back to help me navigate cool kid’s iPod, John?” She smirks at him. 

“You aren’t cool enough to figure it out on your own? Need me to rescue you?” John quips back. 

“The only kind of cool either of you are is ironic.” If her eyes weren’t blood red burnt out, you swear she’d be rolling them.

You can tell why John thinks she’s black flirting, but from where you are, it’s all red. This is the way she used to talk to Karkat, the way she used to talk about Karkat, the way she talked to you those very few brief moments before she kissed you in her bizarre post-breakup breakdown. John better buckle the fuck up because his weird kismesis crush is about to vacillate. 

“You leaving me alone with Egbert, Dave?” She asks you. 

“Yeah sorry TZ, I gotta check in with drunk ass boyfriend.” 

“Ugh, good luck. He’s over there with Vriska and Equius on some drunk tirade about politics. Come on, John, let’s get this party fucking started.” She says to you both, and then to the throng of people, “Yo! Freshman! Who the fuck wants to do a shot with me and the guy who’s running to be senior class prez?” 

You think it’s fucking hilarious that she’s talking down to these kids when she doesn’t even go to your college. You think it’s even more hilarious that John decided to run for class president. The icing on the cake is that he’s trying to get Karkat to be his vice. 

Right, Karkat. 

You hear him before you see him, which is honestly fucking ridiculous when the music is blasting and half the campus is out on the lawn drunk-singing along to Rihanna. Which, fuck yes, of course you have on your iPod. Rihanna is boss. Unironically and everything. 

“No no no, Equiuus, you arn, no! Tha’s not how it would work! Can’ just apola- apolo- ap- fuck, can’t just say sorry to trolls and give ‘em a lil’ government assistance and expect the problem to go away! It’s, no SHH, it’s a systematic thing, how do you not see that? Vriska, TELL him!” Karkat has a hand gripping Equius’ bicep, begging the dude to understand his fucking point. 

“Karkat’s totally fucking right, but I am so fucked up right now man, just, fuck, both of you just come to Meenah’s protest with me next week. It’s… gonna be wild. Hey, Dave, you should come too. That ally support and shit.” Vriska is talking so slow it’s making you uncomfortable. She must be cross faded as hell to get her this mellow. 

Equius looks right at you when he says, “F-fuck that,” and saunters off in the direction of Nepeta. You swear he’s doing it just so it’ll get back to Dirk. It kind of makes you want to cry. Or something less dramatic, maybe. You aren’t sure so you sip a little more beer. 

“DAVE” 

“Hey Karks you good?” 

He just looks at Vriska and the two of them crack up. Yup, they’re good. 

“Yo, lemme ask you two about TZ and John. Do y’all know what’s up with that?” You figure drunk Vriska is more likely to spill her guts than sober Vriska. Even if she’ll make you pay for getting the info out of her in the morning. 

Your plan pays off instantly, “She knows he’s trying to court her kismesis quadrant.” 

Karkat coughs into his drink, “She does not have black feelings fer Egpe… Ebert? John. For John. That’s completely stupid.” 

“I know that. She’s pretending though. For his sake, or something.” Vriska agrees. 

“She’s still got it bad for Gamzee.” Karkat says, flatly. It isn’t a question for Vriska, it’s just the truth way out in the open. 

“Fuck, still?” You ask.

Vriska lets out this big sigh before saying, “What do you think she and I have been fighting about so much? She keeps trying to call him. Fucking Pyrope. I can’t talk about this shit right now, I’m going to go find Eridan and make him harass freshmen with me.” 

Karkat turns to you once you’re alone and says, “She’s going to break John’s heart” and then starts cracking the fuck up. 

You kiss your drunk asshole boyfriend on the forehead and really let the texture of his skin and the weight of his hand on your chest sink into your memory before you pull back. 

“I gotta piss, where will you be?” You tell him, pointing off towards the administrative building that houses the closest gender-neutral bathroom. 

“Gonna find Sollux.” He snatches your beer out of your hand and chugs it, stumbling off to go find his friend. You are so going to be holding his hair back while he vomits later tonight. 

You realize how drunk you are once you stand up from sitting on the toilet. It’s that moment of “oh standing is a little harder haha”. Generally, you avoid getting this drunk, especially if you’re going to be wandering off on your own. Depressants tend to make you… depressed. Introspective. Self-critical. 

This is exactly what has you shirtless in front of the mirror, poking at your hip bones, wishing to god that they were fucking smaller. You’re almost positive that you’re usually happy about your body, the past few boobless years in particular. Something about drunk-staring at yourself in the mirror always does this to you, though. Fuck, these hips. And these stupid high cheekbones, and these big fucking eyes with their giant fucking eyelashes… ugh. 

You’ve never told anyone this, but your albinism isn’t the reason you wear shades all the time. Well, okay, in the day time it is because the sun will fucking burn them. You don’t need them at night, though, or indoors. You keep that shit on to hide the bits of your face that you fucking detest, the bits that make you look so feminine that people call you “miss” and “dyke”. 

Okay, you’ve gotta get the fuck out of this bathroom. 

Nepeta is sitting on the stairs outside, forty feet away from the crowd gathered on the lawn, head in her hands, shaking. Shit. 

You’re seated next to her as fast as you can fucking get there, “Yo, Neps, what’s got you all bummed out on a night like this?” 

She looks up at you, and the tears you expected are there, but she’s also laughing. In a way that makes you kind of fucking nervous. 

“Dave, ha, oh man, can I tell you a secret?” 

“Uh, okay.” 

“Equius and I have, ha ha, oh my god it sounds so stupid to say out loud. We’ve been making out,” She a puddle of hysterical laughter again. 

“Oh, yeah. That was kind of a terrible secret Nepeta. We all know.” 

“Something got him all freaked out tonight.” She sighs, looking more serious. 

“Might have been me. I uh, fuck, I hope this doesn’t make you upset, but I think I kind of remind him of Dirk.” You explain. 

“I know. It’s fine. I don’t… like him flushed.” 

“So what happened tonight?” You prod her to continue. 

She sighs again, “He came to me all serious, took me to some empty classroom. He kept… swearing? I know he’s being doing that, but it was… god, it was extra weird tonight. I was kind of caught up in the moment, and things got… we almost… but then I realized what the fuck was happening, and I started laughing, and he started laughing, and we talked about Dirk, and we realized how fucking stupid this whole thing is.” 

“So, back to moirails?” 

“For sure.” 

“Is he… okay?” 

“I don’t know. Not really. He told me to go have fun. I tried to talk to him, but…” She frowns. 

“I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I’ve got this one Neps.” You’re going to have to have a heart to heart with Equius. Jesus Christ. 

“You?” Her smile is back. 

“I’m not happy about it either, okay?” 

“Call me if he tries to hurt you.” And now she’s back to full on laughter. 

Zahhak is in the classroom Nepeta told you she left him in, just sitting in the middle of a round table wringing his hands. An unmistakable grimace crosses his face when he sees you walk in. 

“Why are you here?” Jesus he sounds angry. 

“Dude, don’t hit me, but we’ve gotta fucking talk about Dirk.” 

You can hear his growl from across the room. The only troll you’ve ever heard quite this pissed off is Karkat. Karkat’s growl is a hell of a lot more adorable than this. 

“Get the fuck out.” 

“Okay this is exactly the shit I’m talking about. You don’t swear, Equius. That’s like, your weird fucking thing. That and the sweating. And if you were gonna ditch one of them, I think we’d all prefer that it be the sweating.” Maybe you’re too drunk for this. Or maybe you’re always this terrible at serious conversation. 

“That has nothing to do with your brother.” 

“Dude. You know I like, talk to him, right?” 

The growling intensifies. 

You continue through it, “Equius, this is ridiculous. I mean don’t get me wrong, we’re all thrilled that your political ties have liberaled the fuck up. But the rest of this shit? The swearing and the trying to bang your diamonds chick and the terrible anime shirts… what are you doing dude?” 

He still doesn’t answer. 

“This isn’t going to make him like you. Or think you’re cool.” 

Still just the growling. 

“Like, I know firsthand Equius.” 

“Unless the Strider family has a disgusting secret, no, I don’t think you know first hand what it is like to enter a matespritship with Dirk.” Finally, the kid is talking. 

“Oh, ew, god no. I just, looked up to him a ton as a little kid, you know? Especially when I was first coming to terms with my transness in my head. And showing off for him doesn’t help, okay? He doesn’t respect that shit. You shouldn’t fucking care anyway, dude. He’s kind of a tool. At least to the boys he dates.” You tell him. 

“The ones that aren’t Jake.” 

“Nah, Jake, too.” 

“So what’s your advice?” Is he… seriously asking? 

“Uh, fuck. I don’t know. Dating him clearly changed your views on some shit. That’s cool. Just like, don’t lose yourself trying to be Dirk, or make Dirk like you. The dick has that effect, but fuck Dirk. Equius isn’t some anime nerd who likes bad language and danger. You’re like, a tech guy, and you like things proper and safe and orderly. And that’s like, cool. Okay, it’s not cool, but it’s a hell of a lot better than whatever you’re doing right now.” You hope your honestly isn’t too much. 

“Nepeta must think so little of me.” 

“You could kill a guy and Nepeta would still love you.” 

He gives you this weird look that makes you question if he’s actually ever killed a guy before saying, “I have a lot to think about. Leave me, human.” 

The way he says “human” has you feeling hopeful. 

Back to the fucking party. 

You check your phone to see what’s up with Karkat, mostly to gauge whether he’s in the “text Dave nine million times” or “I’m too fucked up to understand a phone” stage of drunk. 

He’s only sent you six texts, and one of them is what appears to be a picture of Vriska pulling Tavros into a tree. That’s going to be a problem you’ll probably have to deal with in a few minutes. 

You decide to pop back in to the gender-neutral bathroom one more time before you head back out. Booze sure does make you piss a lot. Only problem is, when you get in there, someone is vomiting into a toilet with the stall door open and it’s Terezi fucking Pyrope. 

Fuck. Has she been drinking? She’s not supposed to be drinking and, fuck, fuck, fuck, it’s your fault- all of your faults- for dragging this chick around to parties all the time oh fuck fuck fuck. 

“TZ?” It’s all you have the courage to say. 

She turns around to face you and let’s out a sting of curses, “Are you going to drag me off to make me talk shit out with you now?” 

“Uh, yeah. If you’re, I mean, if you’re not sober enough, I’ll just take you home and we can talk in the morning dude. Is this, is this the first time? Or are you-“

She cuts you off, “I’m not DRUNK asshole.” 

“Then, what?” 

She tries to shoulder past you but you grab her by the arm. 

“Terezi.” You hope she can feel how this is kind of tearing you apart. 

She looks at you with pools of teal in her eyes and god, fuck, it kills you how often you see her cry, “John and Vriska took me out to dinner tonight.” 

“Oh, shit, what happened? Is Egbert bothering you? I can tell him to lay off.” You offer.

“No, John is fine, Jesus. Stupid, but fine. They’re both fine.” 

“Dude what the fuck is going on?”

“They made me eat.” 

Oh. 

“Oh.” 

You don’t realize you’re hugging her until it’s already happening, and the second you have your arms around her you’re trying to figure out how long it’s been since she let you touch her or when she started wearing these baggy clothes or why the fuck you didn’t start keeping better track of this when you noticed something was up months ago because she is so SMALL it makes you want to cry. Maybe you are crying. It’s hard to tell behind the shades. 

She puts a hand on your chest and pushes you back, “I don’t want to do this right now Dave. I’m fine.” 

“You’re not fine.” 

“It just makes the anxiety easier to deal with.” 

“TZ, you still have panic attacks every night.” 

“I can’t DO this right now! I said I can’t fucking do this, Dave. I’m going, I’m leaving, you’re going to let me fucking leave and you aren’t going to say anything to anyone about this. Okay?” You’ve never seen her like this before, shaking and angry and literally afraid to look at you. You think she might be ashamed. 

You pull her into your arms again, this time more comforting than desperate. She cries, and cries, and cries. Neither of you say anything, you just stand there in the bathroom letting her sob her fucking heart out. Both of your phones start going off after about ten minutes, but you ignore them until you hear Karkat’s ringtone for the third time. 

“Dude, I gotta take this, let’s just sit down on the steps outside and we can talk after I chill him out.” You tell her. 

“Sounds good cool kid.” Her voice is soft and hoarse from crying. 

“Yo, Karks? You okay?” You answer the phone. 

“Daaaave wher’dyou gooo?” Fuck he’s wasted. 

“I’m talking to TZ. You okay? Ka-Karkat, shh, you okay babe?” You need for him to fucking focus. 

“Oh no I’m cool, it’s cool. I miss you? Wher’d you go?” He might have no idea what’s going on but at least he sounds happy. 

“Who’s with you right now?” 

“The best people, they’re so cool.” 

“Karkat.” 

“What was the question?” 

Fuuuuuck. 

“Who is WITH you Karkat?” 

“Oh, this guy! Double dicks.” 

“Oh, my god, are you talking about Sollux? Fuck I didn’t need to know that, oh, Jesus. Fucking, give him the phone.” 

There’s some rustling and then Sollux’s iconic lisp, “Strider?” 

“Are you sober enough to deal with him while I handle something?” You ask. 

“Sure am. He’s fine, just in his obnoxiously loud stage. Please collect him from me before he get’s weepy- holy SHIT Karkat, I’m talking on the phone, stop GRABBING it-“ 

The phone hangs up from the other end. Ookay. Back to Terezi. 

She starts talking before you do, “Can we really not get into this tonight?” 

“I… I gotta make sure you’re gonna be okay bro.” You tell her. 

“I know, I get it, but it’s one in the morning and I’m tired and you’re drunk and Nepeta has texted me thirteen times.” She looks tired, she really does. 

“You want me to walk you home?” You offer. 

“Gonna stay at Vriska’s. I asked her to pick me up here. Wait with me.” 

“Does she know… how bad it is?” 

“I don’t know.” 

“Do you want me to help you with this?”

“I don’t know. You’re going to try, anyway. Doesn’t really matter what I say.” 

“Yeah.” 

You sit in silence arm to arm until Vriska shows up. You aren’t one hundred percent confident that she’s sober enough to deal with Terezi’s current emotional state, but you also know protesting is just going to make shit worse. 

You hope Karkat had a good night, because yours has been fucking awful. 

The party has cleared out a bit when you get back outside. It’s mostly just your group of friends back at the table you started this entire shit show of an evening on. A thick fog blew over campus during the few hours you were stuck dealing with Nepeta and Equius and Terezi, so it’s hard to tell exactly who’s still awake until you’re siting down next to them. 

Luckily, Karkat is among them, Sollux and a slightly-more-clingy than usual Eridan beside him, Tavros and Nepeta giggling along to some story Feferi is rattling off. 

“DAVE. Where the fuck have you been?” Karkat calls out when he spots you. 

You plop down next to him and toss and arm around his shoulders, partially to calm him down and partially because you’ve had a terrible fucking night, “Just talking to TZ. What’s up with y’all?” 

“Dave, we’re going to a protest. The one Vriska was talking about. You and me and Equius. Gonna film that shit for my thesis.” Karkat smiles at you. He’s like, real excited about his thesis. You’re kind of stupid proud of him for taking this huge project on. 

“Dude, you could have like, an entire video component in addition to your paper.” You suggest. 

“Fuck, YES, see, that’s perfect. Sollux, you still have that editing software on your computer?” Karkat asks. 

Sollux rolls his eyes, “You’re not touching my laptop. But I’ll help you put it on yours.” 

“Now can we stop talking about your project for the rest of the night?” Eridan yells out. 

“Oh, fuck you Ampora, you’re just salty that his research is going to dismantle your stupid classist bullshit.” Feferi enters the conversation. 

“Fuck you too, Fef.” 

She winks at him. They might be friends again. It’s hard to say. 

“Speaking of classes, I uh, just heard back from administration. With all my summer classes, and the independent study I’m going to do over winter break, I’ll uh, I’ll have enough credits to graduate at the end of the year with all of you.” Tavros announces. 

There are cheers and smiles and congratulations all around. Nepeta gets so excited she jumps into his lap, and doesn’t get up. 

“I’ve got some news too I guess! I’ve got a couple paintings that a gallery might be showing!” Nepeta grins. 

“Woah shit Neps, which ones?” You ask. 

“Actually, one of them is the portrait I did of you way back freshman year. If that’s okay.” She blushes. 

“My boyfriend is a famous fucking MODEL.” Karkat exclaims. 

“And my boyfriend is a fucking nerd.” You lament. 

“Oh shit oh shit, drinks away security’s walking over damn it.” Eridan warns you all just in time to toss your half-full cans into the trash. 

“Alright kids, party’s over, time to head inside.” One of the guards instructs. 

“Man, come on, we’re all seniors, we don’t have booze, it’s our last first party night.” You try to reason with them. 

“Scatter. Now. Let’s go.” Wow, this guy’s a douchebag. 

You all gather your shit, groaning a little louder than necessary, as the guard waits to make sure you head the fuck out of the area. 

Once you’re a few feet away from them, Karkat spins around to add, “Enjoy the FOG, SE-CUR-ITY”,

It’s the most sarcastic shit you’ve ever heard. Fuck, you love him. 

\----------------------------------------------------

Over the course of your senior year fall semester, you’ve gotten pretty damn well acquainted with protests. You tag along with Vriska into the city all the time. Meenah has become an activist leader in the troll community, and organizes half of the shit you go to. She’s not the best at talking or communicating a message, but she and Vriska have cooked up some sit-ins and picket lines that definitely grab the attention of the media. 

You try to stay out of the limelight. At the first few events you went to, you dragged Dave along and video recorded from the sidelines. You’re a shit ton more confident now, and can admit you’re actually a part of the protest group, so much so that you have no issue going to organizational meetings and marches without forcing your boyfriend to stand by your side. He still comes to important shit, obviously, but this is your thing. 

That being said, you’re kind of fucking nervous about tonight. A troll in one of Manhattan’s middle schools was beaten within an inch of his life by a bunch of older human boys, and died in the hospital hours later. Courts ruled the killers not guilty. Trolls are pissed. Cops are afraid, and aggressive. You’ve brought your best video equipment to film this shit, and Equius to film a few different angles. Dave is here, too, but you’ve made it clear to him that you don’t want him helping with your thesis. You’re kind of just freaked out that shit might get violent tonight, and you want him here for protection. 

Meenah’s big plan is to march across the Brooklyn Bridge. Someone’s going to get arrested- you’re all prepared for it. Cops tend to go for the people with the cameras, so you and Equius are on high fucking alert as the group makes it way further and further downtown. Meenah is hell bent on keeping this footage- especially if things get out of control and the police get too aggressive- so you’ve got about six contingency plans to keep the damn cameras safe. 

The only solace you’ve got here is that the protest is about twelve blocks long, trolls and human allies together. Just in terms of numbers, you’re probably safe. Especially with your personal human bodyguard boyfriend. Cops never go after humans. 

Vriska’s got word from a small group that branched off to sit in the middle of Times Square that the riot squad is out. There’s been radio silence from them since that text, but pictures of tear gas are starting to surface on twitter. 

Meenah isn’t sure if this means the brunt of the police force is stuck up there, or if you’ll be accosted by even more force when you’re on the bridge. 

There’s a group of police following you on motorcycles. Meenah stops the march in front of city hall, begins a standard call and repeat in the crowd so everyone out of her direct earshot knows the plan. Shots like this are great for your film, so you get up on the highest point you can to get a good look at the giant crowd surrounding you. 

Vriska’s the one who actually talks, “REPEAT AFTER ME!” 

The crowd echoes her.

“WE’RE TAKING THE BRIDGE.”

“ANYONE WHO WALKS ACROSS”

“MIGHT GET ARRESTED” 

“IF YOU WANT TO STAND IN SOLIDARITY” 

“BUT GETTING ARRESTED IS NOT RIGHT FOR YOU”

“USE THE LEGAL FOOT PATH ON THE LEFT”

“DO NOT FEEL PRESSURED”

“TO WALK ON THE BRIDGE” 

“WE’RE TAKING FIVE MINUTES OF SILENCE”

“FOR YOU TO DECIDE” 

“TAKE FIVE MINUTES”

“TO THINK ABOUT WHAT IS RIGHT FOR YOU”

The crowd goes quiet, for the most part. Meenah and Vriska walk towards the other protest leaders. You motion for Equius to get his camera on top of their conversation while you whisper with Dave. 

“Dave, Equius is going up on the walking path to film what’s happening on the bridge from above. He’ll also be able to spot the cop scene from Brooklyn before we can see you. You stay up there with him, I’ll meet up with you after.” You instruct him, as quietly as you can manage. 

“Uh, no.” 

“Excuse me?” You protest a bit too loudly. 

“Yeah, I’m gonna stick with you if you’re gonna be down there. I see the shit going down in Times Square right now. I’m gonna be with you.” He says. 

“Dave, this isn’t your fight. Don’t get arrested over something that doesn’t concern you.” You realize how harsh that sounds the second you see him frown. 

“You know, like, I’m not just here because you make me be, right?” 

Of course you know. Fuck. 

“I don’t want you to get arrested. Or tear gassed. Or hit, or-“

“Yeah, I don’t want that shit for you either. But I know you’ve got to be here. This is… your thing, dude. And I want you to fucking know that I want shit to be better for trolls too, alright? I might not get it, but I’m going to be here with you. You’re not doing this alone.” 

You kiss him, because god, god you have to. 

And then it’s time to walk. 

You get your camera fucking ready, filming the chanting and the red and blue flashing lights on the opposite end of the bridge and the cars you all stop, half of them honking in solidarity, the rest flipping you off and shouting slurs. Vriska and Meenah are frantic trying to keep the crowd peaceful when the first piece of trash gets thrown at you all. Most of the protesters are prepared to be peaceful. Vriska is plenty competent at scaring the more angry ones into submission. 

You’re in the front of the group, and by the time you’re three quarters across the bridge, it’s obvious that the police are going to be a huge problem. Meenah does her best to alert the rest of the crowd with her megaphone. 

You turn around to face Dave, “We do not let them get the camera. They’ll destroy the footage. If they take me, I’m tossing you the camera. You’re fast enough to get away.” 

“I’m not letting them get you.” 

“Put on your goggles and cover your mouth with your shirt. I guarantee they have tear gas.” You tell him. 

“Karkat?” 

“What?” 

“I’m really fucking proud of you.” 

You’re glad there’s a bandana covering your face, or he’d see you flush a thousand shades of red. 

Fuck, there are a lot of cops. Dave has his arms firmly on your shoulders, not wanting to get separated. You’re fixated on the camera. He has to be your eyes. 

You’re sure it’s just in your head, but it feels so fucking calm those first few moments of chaos when your group collides with the police. You got your camera transfixed on Meenah. They go for Meenah first, of course they do, she’s the organizer, the instigator. Vriska is smarter and faster and deeper in the crowd. She heads backwards to yell instructions to more of the protesters, to get as many out as possible. 

You keep your lens on Meenah, watch the way the smash her face into the ground, get as much of a close up on her hands in the air and the blood streaming out of her mouth as you can while Dave dances you around running protesters and cops’ hands. 

You try to make it abundantly evident that the cops are the first one to get violent, with their takedown of Meenah. Protesters did nothing besides attempt to break down the barriers to escape when the teargas comes out. 

That’s when you feel unfamiliar hands on you, accompanied by: “Give me the fucking camera, troll!” 

Dave tears the man’s hands off you, flashsteps in between you and the cop. 

“KARKAT GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE WITH THE CAMERA. RUN. GO TO DIRK’S, FIND DIRK.” 

You’re fucking terrified. The cop has Dave’s hands cuffed behind his back, and slams him against the hood of a car so hard you swear he must have whiplash. You don’t want to leave him, you really fucking don’t want to leave him, but this whole thing is pointless without your film. Leaving the camera running, you bolt. 

You’re small, and fast, and strong enough that the one time another cop grabs you it’s easy to rip your bicep from her grasp. You keep sprinting past the barricade, all the way to the subway, converses slapping against the ground. You know that no one’s following you by the time you get to the subway, but just in fucking case you take their stairs two at a time, lungs hot and dry. 

You wait there for twenty minutes, filming the sea of battered and bug eyed trolls that filter in. They’re the lucky ones, they got away. Some of them stop when you ask to interview them. Half of those are going to try to collect friends from jail. 

It takes Equius half an hour to meet there like you planned. He tells you he saw them take Vriska from his perch on the walkway, that he’d stayed to film until his camera ran out of battery. You break the news to him that you’re going to Dirk’s to convince the dude to bring bail money for all your friends. He looks conflicted, but agrees to go with you. 

You only have to scream Dirk’s name at his door for, like, four minutes before he opens the fuck up. The only reason it crosses your mind that, fuck, he’s in only his boxers, clearly on Skype with someone who won’t shut the fuck up, is for Equius’ sake. And, okay, because he’s fucking hot. Whatever. Blow past it, Karkat. 

“DIRK” 

“Uh, Karkat…? EQ. Shit. What… what’s goin’ on guys?” You can’t read his expression behind his shades. It’s throwing you off, because you can always tell what Dave’s face is saying. 

“DAVE GOT ARRESTED” Okay, you meant to be a little calmer. You might be flipping your shit right now. 

“Aw, maan, what’d he do? Fuckin’ kid.” Dirk looks like he isn’t surprised. 

From inside the apartment someone on Skype shouts, “DIRK. TELL ME. WHAT IS GOING ON.” 

“Shut the fuck up, I’ll be back in a minute,” Dirk calls to him, and then to you, “So seriously what’s up?” 

“I’m sorry, was the ‘Dave got arrested’ not fucking clear enough for you?” You growl. Fuck, get your shit together Dirk, Dave is in trouble 

Equius puts a silencing hand on your shoulder. 

“We were at a protest. Dave, along with several of our friends, were detained by the police. Your brother instructed us to wait here for his call. He also insinuated that you might be amenable to assisting Vriska and Meenah with bail.” Equius explains, calm and collected. 

“Oh. Uh, shit, yeah. Come… in?” 

He opens the door, and you follow Equius indoors. Dirk saunters over to his computer, pulling on a shirt, and addresses the person he was Skyping. You aren’t sure, but it looks like… a cherub? How the fuck does Dirk know a cherub? You raise an eyebrow at Equius, but he’s too busy trying to look aloof and not-sweaty. 

“Yo Caliborn, gonna have to cut this shit short and call you tomorrow. My little bro seems to have gotten himself into some trouble with the law.” Dirk says. 

This Caliborn character replies, “Oh, yes. I heard. From the small troll. We will have to finish our game later. Or, perhaps. You will abandon the worthless human in jail. And continue our scheduled plans.” 

“Nah, gonna go bail my bro out. Text me or some shit.” Dirk responds. 

“Ha. Ha ha. Yes. Yes, I will text you Dirk human. Oh, you will be texted.” 

Dirk shuts the laptop, and struggles into a pair of pants, “So…”

Shit is pretty awkward. You aren’t in the mood for it. Fuck these kids and fuck their breakup and fuck the fact that they haven’t dealt with it for a full year. Your boyfriend just got arrested, and that is what everyone is going to be caring about. 

“I know you two are trying really fucking hard not to have a bullshit moment right now, but there’s actually more important stuff going on besides stale romance if you want to remove your think pans from your nooks for a second.” You sneer. It, at the very least, snaps Dirk out of his uncomfortable silence. 

“So, you guys were filming? Want to pop that on the computer while we wait for Dave to get his one phone call?” He asks. You and Equius grunt in agreement. There’s nothing else better to do. 

He leads you into his bedroom, where his desktop computer is. You’ve crashed here a few times, but have never seen where the elder Strider actually sleeps. It’s a hell of a lot messier than the rest of the apartment, which is saying something. Lots of robot parts and weird plush toys you’re going to pretend are not blatantly sexual. 

While you busy yourself with your camera, Equius starts poking around through some of Dirk’s shit. That’s probably wildly inappropriate, but fuck it, right? Showing up at your ex’s uninvited is already pretty taboo, so knock your fucking socks off Equius. 

“You’re still working on these?” The troll asks the human after a few minutes, prodding at a pair of robotic legs. 

“Oh, yeah. It’s not going so great, there’s a few things I’m having trouble working out in terms of realistic mobility. If you want to look at them be my guest.” Dirk responds. 

“What are they for?” You ask them both. 

“Tavros.” Equius says, inspecting some wiring. 

“We were trying to build him new legs.” Dirk finishes. 

Your phone starts violently vibrating before you have time to process exactly what the fuck that means. 

“YES?” 

“Woah someone’s over excited.” Dave’s voice drawls. 

“DAVE. Where are you? Did they fucking hurt you? I swear to god I will-“

“Maybe lighten up on the threats there Karks. I’m fine, I’m at the precinct in Brooklyn like a few blocks from the bridge.” He informs you. 

“Can we come get you? Are Meenah and Vriska there?” 

“Haven’t seen the ladies. They seem to be letting humans out first. Might be a sec before they call. Vriska went down pretty hard, I bet she has more charges than the rest of us.” He tells you. 

“Fuck, fuck. What are they getting you with? Are going to go to fucking prison?” Fuck, fuck.

“Nah, I think they’re gonna let me off with nothing. Human privilege, it’s kind of bullshit. Whatever. Listen, dude, you shouldn’t come down here.” He says. 

“I’m coming down there.” 

“Dude, seriously, it’s not a good scene for trolls. Just send Dirk, okay? I don’t want you mixed up in more shit.” He sounds worried. 

“It’s MY shit Dave. You’re the one-“

“Fuck, I gotta go. You know where to send Dirk?” 

“Yeah.”

“Just stay there. I’ll see you in a few hours.” 

The phone clicks off. 

Dirk tosses you his phone, “Google maps it for me. I’ll bring him back safe, I swear. You can crash here. Both of you. If you want. If Vriska or her weird girlfriend hit you up, I’ll pick them up too. Just call. Feel free to watch TV or whatever. You guys good?” 

“Yes, Dirk, I think two adults are capable of handling themselves alone for three hours.” You roll your eyes. 

“It’s always such a fucking pleasure to see you, Vantas.” Dirk chuckles as he exits, face buried in his phone trying to figure out the best subway route to the precinct. 

You try watching the shit you’ve recorded with Equius, but you’re both feeling unsettled about your friends, and Nepeta keeps fucking calling him to check in, so you end up jacking some melatonin from Dirk’s medicine cabinet and passing out on the couch. 

You’re out fucking cold when Dave gets back. You don’t notice him climb in front of you on the couch until a few hours later, when you wake up as the big spoon. It’s already light out, and he’s snoring, and Dirk and Equius are nowhere to be seen, but both of their shoes are noticeably still by the door. 

You wriggle yourself around a bit, and wrap and arm firmly around Dave’s middle, cupping his cute tummy fat in your hand. He makes a tiny whining noise, annoyed you’ve woken him, but shimmies his shoulders further into your chest. You’ll ask him what jail was like in the morning. 

 

Two weeks later, and you’re off on Winter Break. You and Dave have different plans for the first time in… probably two years, which is maybe embarrassing. You’ve got a hell of a lot of editing to do for the film portion of your thesis, so you’re staying on campus to edit. Vriska also has her court date coming up, and you feel obligated to be around to prep her on appropriate behavior. She’ll probably only end up with a fine and community service either way, but you want to be there for her. You have to be. 

Dave doesn’t necessarily want to be going back to Seattle, but it’s kind of a big event for his giant messed up family. Jade is coming home after an incredibly over-extended stay on Alternia. Technically speaking, she was supposed to come home a year or two ago, you think, but paperwork and violent outbreaks had her stuck there longer than expected. 

You know Dave is worried about seeing her. He definitely has not spoken to her pretty much at all since their breakup freshman year. You’re vaguely concerned residual feelings for her might spark while they’re alone together, but you’re doing your damnedest not to think too hard about it. He loves you and shit, it’s fine. 

You do kind of wish he’d stop exclusively texting you about how awkward he feels around her, but whatever, right? Ugh. He’s only gone for two weeks, and the first one is nearly halfway through. Plus, you’ve got a fucking Skype date tonight. 

Granted, you anticipate that one if not all of the people in his house are going to interrupt. You’ll never tell him this, but you kind of like his intrusive family. You’ve never had one, not since your lusus… and lusi are different. There’s Kankri, but Kankri is kind of a giant asshole. Dave’s family is actually cool and loving. So are the Egberts. You could really get the fuck used to being a part of that shit, as much as you protest along the way. 

As you predicted, Dave doesn’t even make an attempt at pretending you’ll be getting any alone time this conversation. John is sitting next to him when you answer the Skype call. 

“Karkat! We miss you! Say you miss him, Dave. Dave misses you Karkat!” Egbert laughs, elbowing his friend. 

“What up Karkat.” You can tell Dave is trying not to smile. You can’t tell if he’s laughing about John’s joke, or if he’s just that happy to see your beautiful fucking face after a week of Karkat deprivation. Let’s be fucking real, probably the latter. 

“How was your ridiculous human holiday?” You ask them. 

Roxy pokes her head in between them, startling both the boys, “Hi Karkat! Hey, kid, next year, you tell us earlier that you can’t make it. We’ll fucking come out there, every god damn one of us.” 

“I don’t even celebrate this holiday.” You protest. 

“Dude, I promise, you do now.” Dave corrects you. 

“Anyway, I made you a present in the lab! Let me go grab it…” Roxy announces. Dave looks nervous. 

“What the fuck did she make me?” You demand. 

“Okay, so don’t freak out Karkat.” Dave begins.

“DAVE”

“Remember how I told you about her weird cloning lab…” 

“Oh my god you’re both so dramatic, she made you a cat, Karkat. We all get one at some point. Welcome to the family!” John interrupts, laughing his conveniently cat-less ass off. 

In that same instant, Roxy reappears with the smallest puff of black fur you have ever seen.

“It’s got three eyes! Still haven’t mastered the two-eyed cat, but I’m getting close!” She cheers. 

All of your reservations about this cat dissolve the second you see the little shit blink it’s fucking mutants eyes at three different times. 

“Oh my god, he winks like me.” You observe. It has Dave on the floor cracking up. 

“You like him?!” Roxy exclaims. 

“I fucking love him.” 

“John, come to the lab and help me feed the rest of them!” Roxy asks. 

“Oh, hell yeah. I’ll be back in like, half an hour Dave! Bye Karkat!” 

Finally, just you and your boyfriend. 

“Hey” 

“Hey” 

“So… how’s Jade?” You ask. His face flushes. 

“Sitting in the same room as him! Hi Karkat!” A feminine voice calls. 

Well, shit. 

“Fucking Christ, do NONE of you understand the importance of alone time? Is there anyone else hiding in there I should be fucking aware of?” You complain. A chorus of “Hi, Hello” echoes through the room. The only voice you recognize is Dirk’s. 

“Sorry babe. They wanted to talk to you.” 

Two of Egbert’s siblings pop their heads into the frame, Jade and Jake. 

“Good to see you again, chap!” 

“Hey, Karkat! We’ve never actually talked before, but I’ve heard a whooole lot about you from Dave.” Jade giggles. God, she’s beautiful. You wish she’d take like, two steps back from Dave’s face. 

“How fucking charming.” You sigh, sinking deeper into your chair. 

“Man, no, she’s exaggerating.” Dave shakes his head. 

“Pft, okay, you name drop him every chance you get Dave, jeez. Someone’s in looove. And Christ, you were talking about him all the time before I even broke up with you. ‘I can’t believe what Karkat said Jade’ ‘Hey Jade let me tell you about the most hilarious rant Karkat went on today’ ‘Holy shit guess how many times Karkat said the word bulge to me today’” Harley seems to think this is fucking hilarious. 

You kind of do, too. 

“I think I want to hear more about this.” You grin. 

“Nope, no, I’m out, bye Karkat, text me.” Dave swats Jade’s hands away from the laptop, trying to gain control. 

“Aw, but Dave, I didn’t get a chance to talk to your little boyfriend!” Dirk calls sarcastically, making kissy noises. 

“I swear to god I’m going to fucking-“ Dave manages to shut the laptop.

You kind of wish you were there, dealing with all their bullshit. 

He Skypes you back three hours later without warning, just assuming you’d be awake and on your laptop which, to be fair, you are. He’s topless when the video starts working, shades placed neatly on his bedside table. 

“You alone this time, dickmunch?” You ask him. 

“Nah, got your kitten with me. All the human kids are tucked into their own beds though.” He brandishes this tiny fucking cat for you to see. 

“So, I heard somewhere today that you were fucking obsessed with me freshman year.” You tease. 

“Yeah, I’m gonna have to kill Jade.” He whines. 

“Come on, Strider, tell me how long you’ve been in love with me.” You press. 

“I wasn’t in love with you, I just thought it was cute when you got upset, okay? How do you expect to all barge in on a guy’s first fucking party, call him Casanova, and not get hate crushed on like, at least a little bit.” He defends himself. 

“You remember the very first insult I used on you? Holy shit you’re a nerd.” You laugh. 

“Dude, shut up, I’m so fucking cool you can’t even deal.” 

“Sure, Casanova,” You say it just to get his skin prickling, “Fucking anyway, what’s actually going on there?” 

“Uhh, okay, the super speedy gossip rundown. Let’s see… my sister won’t stop hitting on John, who is either oblivious or really fucking into it-“ 

“Wait, I thought he had a thing for Terezi?” You interrupt. 

“Yeah, but that’s gone fucking nowhere. Uhh, what else? Seeing Jade is not as awkward as I thought it’d be. She wants to meet you. No one will shut the fuck up about you, which is super fun. That’s sarcasm, by the way, I want to kill them all. Dirk is still clearly in love with Jake. Oh, fuck- actual drama. So Dirk has this whole trip to Australia planned out, to meet up with this kid he’s known on the internet for like, fucking ever. Jake invited himself along, and Dirk has no idea how to say no, so they’re going on a fucking vacation together.” Dave explains. 

“Did you find out if he and Equius hooked up that one night?” You ask. 

“Nah, apparently they just stayed up mad late talking shit out. They’re working on this robo legs project together now, I guess.” He says .

“Huh.” 

“Yup. So, are things all good there? Vriska’s not a legal flight risk, right? She’s not gonna try to flee into Canada?” Dave asks. 

“No, she knows better.” 

“And… TZ?” 

You look away from the monitor. You know something is going on with Terezi, more than Dave is letting on. He’s been… way too concerned about her. Not that it isn’t obvious that she’s falling apart but, fuck. Sometimes it still kills you that you’ll never be the one she runs to for help. 

“Hey, earth to Karkat.” 

You look back at the screen, with just a bit too much salt in your voice, “What?” 

“You should talk to her.” He suggests, reading your fucking mind. 

“Or, consider this? No. She clearly has no interest in talking to me about jack shit-“ 

“She doesn’t want to talk to me either, dude. I just walked in on some fucked up shit, okay? She’s not… she isn’t eating, Karkat. I don’t know what the fuck to do with that.” He admits. 

“Oh. Fuck.” 

“What… what do we do?” Dave is legitimately asking you. 

“I’ll… talk to her.” You sigh. You don’t know if it’ll help. You do know you can’t force her to go to therapy. You do know you can’t force her to eat. Fuck. 

“Hey, she’s gotten out of tough spots before. She’s a tough kid.” Dave reassures you. Or himself. Both of you, maybe. 

“Yeah.” You aren’t sure you believe him. 

“I miss you.” 

That, you actually believe. 

“It’s like three in the morning there, Strider. You can barely keep your fucking eyes open. Go to sleep.” You don’t think you can deal with having a serious conversation about Terezi when he’s so far away. You’ll talk about it in a week. 

“Dude, it’s like six in the morning where you are. You go to sleep.” He’s crawling under his covers, though, the same ones you slept under three years ago when he was recovering from his top surgery. It’s weird that he’s there, and that the place looks exactly the fucking same, and that you aren’t there with him. You wonder if he feels as weird looking at you cuddled up under the covers of the bed you usually share with him. 

“Yeah, fine. Don’t.. don’t close Skype, though.” You request. 

“You wanna get off watching me sleep? I knew you were kinky Karkat, but Jesus…” He winks at you. 

“Shut up bulge brain. I miss you.” 

He adjusts the laptop so it’s next to his face. You mirror him, putting your husktop where his head would normally go on the pillow beside you. 

“Night, Dave.” 

“Night, Karkat.” 

He falls asleep way the fuck before you. You watch him for a little longer than you should.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> activist karkat is my lifeblood


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this one only took ten days guys look at that
> 
> ps i am moving out of this hell hole apartment in TWO DAYS. WHHAAAT omg.

“Karkat wait!” You call to your boyfriend, who is desperately trying to get out the door. 

“Dave. You’ve been stalling for an hour. I’ll be right back.” He reassures you. 

“I changed my mind. I do need two orders of scallion pancakes.” You tell him. 

“Okay. I’m leaving. Now.” 

“Karkat wait there’s just-“ 

“Holy shit Dave, I am NOT going to crash your car. Skype your fucking brother, I will be back in twenty fucking minutes.” He’s getting pissed now, a low rumble forming in his chest. 

“Dude okay see there’s the problem, it should take you at least half an hour. You’re speeding dude, you’ve got to keep your foot off the fucking gas, on these hills and shit, just really fucking use the brakes. The brakes are your friend.” You instruct. 

“The state of New York has deemed me capable of operating a vehicle. John has told me, on several fucking occasions I might add, that I am a better driver than you.” Karkat tells you. 

“Okay, no, not fair, he’s only ever told you that when you’re behind the fucking wheel. Of course he’s going to agree with you, you’re driving the death van, if he upsets you you’ll get all pissed off and drive us off the side of the road.” You argue. 

“My road rage isn’t THAT bad.” 

“I have literally watched you make a teenager cry at a stoplight.” 

“He didn’t use his BLINKER Dave, that’s basic fucking road safety. He was a student driver, I was teaching him.” 

“Bro, that was months ago, you were driving illegally.” 

“And yet somehow safer than him!”

“Ugh, just go get our food. Be careful. Don’t leave the Mayor fatherless.” On cue, Karkat’s kitten rolls over onto his back and mewls. 

He rolls his eyes, but you know he’ll be careful. Or like, you’ll know he’ll pretend he was after he gets back safe and sound. You hope he knows you were fucking serious about that second order of scallion pancakes though. 

He’s right though, you really do have to Skype Dirk. You’re a month into Spring Semester, and haven’t said a word to him since he left for Australia a week after Christmas. You have no idea what’s going on over there, but according to John, Jake came home without him earlier this week. That cannot mean anything fucking good. Setting up a time to actually talk to Dirk has been a nightmare with the time difference- you know you’ve got to do it now or you might not hear from him till he’s back in the States. 

“Yo, Dirk, what up?” You ask when he answers your call. He seems to be seated in a bed, the wall behind him littered with printouts of… drawings? Some of them are definitely Dirk’s art, some of them are so shitty you aren’t sure you can even ironically refer to them as illustrations. 

Dirk smiles. Like, straight up smiles. What the fuck. 

“Dude are you high?” You ask him. 

He wipes the fucking smile off his face, “No, what? I’m fine dude. I’m actually having a pretty chill time out here.” 

“Uh, are you? Because Jake came home without you. Won’t say jack shit to anybody.” You blurt out, not even a little fucking tactful. Whoops. 

The corner of his mouth twitches. Something definitely went down, but he doesn’t say anything. 

“Dude.” 

“Okay, fine, Jesus. You know I kept telling him not to come, okay? I… I’m doing the friend thing with him. I want to do the friend thing with him. But he can’t fucking invite himself on my romantic fucking vacations.” Dirk admits. 

“Uh, hold the fucking phone. Romantic vacations?” You raise an eyebrow. 

He sighs, “I didn’t know it was going to be romantic. I also didn’t… not know. Fucking, I am allowed to go places without my ex fucking boyfriend.” 

“Shit. So, what the fuck happened that made him come home? Is he okay? Do I have to send John back to Seattle?” God damn it, Dirk. 

“It was fine for a few weeks. I mean, Caliborn was an asshole to Jake, but Caliborn is kind of an asshole to everyone. Jake handles that shit pretty well anyway. Don’t think he really comprehends when people are actually being dicks.” Dirk muses. 

“But then what happened.” 

“Uh, I guess shit got weird when Caliborn and I made out?” He says it all casual. 

“Fuck.” 

“I know Jake is probably… worried this was going on when we were dating. Just, hindered by the internet.” Dirk sighs. 

“Was it?”

“Nah. Not on my end, at least. At least not in like, my full conscious.” 

“Do you… still have feelings for Jake? I mean, is this gonna be another Equius situation?” You want to know ahead of time if a cherub is going to try to murder your brother. 

“Fucking, I’ll always love Jake. It just feels… different. Like I don’t want to be with him all the time. It’s exhausting loving someone who can’t love you back in the same way. He’s my best bro, obviously. But that’s it. He’s just my best bro. I mean, dude. When he left, I stayed here. That is the exact fucking opposite of what I usually do.” He looks like he feels guilty. 

“Yeah dude... a month ago you were kind of looking like a lovesick puppy.” 

“A month ago I was still pissed off and heart broken and frustrated.” 

“Is this just because of Caliborn? I mean what, are y’all soulmates or some shit? Is that what changed?” 

He laughs, “Dude, what the fuck? Just because you and Karkat are into that sappy shit doesn’t mean I am. This whole fucking trip just made me realize how oblivious Jake is to my feelings, okay? Like, I get that he’s ace, and I can never date him, and I have to get the fuck over my feelings. I was weird and angry for awhile and that wasn’t fucking okay. But he’s got to understand I’m not just gonna be his platonic bro life partner. I get to date people.” 

“Yeah, no, that’s fair dude. Did you like, explain that shit to him though?” You ask. 

He gives you another look of shame, “Uh well, there was definitely yelling.” 

“Dirk, what the fuck?” 

“He yelled too, yo.” 

“Dude.” 

“Caliborn apologized for me?” 

“So you’re telling me you fucked up so bad, your angry alien boyfriend felt he had to apologize for your behavior?” You’d be mad at him, if you gave more of a shit. 

“Oh, like you’ve never been in that position.” 

Fair point. 

“So you uh, want to meet Caliborn?” 

“You’ve been weird internet friends for like fifteen years. I’ve met him before dude,” You’re just being honest, but Dirk looks disappointed so you tack on, “But sure let’s fucking chill.” 

Dirk’s voice raises when he says, “Dude come back in here and talk to my bro!” 

“Oh, I see. Now. Now you want. To experience the joy of conversation with me. Before you banished me. To the kitchen. But now I am wanted again.” Holy shit, you forgot how ridiculous Caliborn is. He sounds exactly like you remember him. 

“Yo what up. I hear you’re getting your date on with my bro.” You address him. 

“Hello younger Strider human. Yes. It is true. We are romantically involved. It might seem confusing. That both of us are boys. However-“ 

“Dude he knows what being gay is, what are you doing?” Dirk flicks the small green alien on one of his bright red cheeks. 

“So are y’all just doing long distance? Or what? Aw, shit man, don’t tell me you’re staying in Australia.” You ask. 

The boys look at each other. 

Caliborn is the one who answers, “I have been invited for an extended stay. At Dirk’s home. He has explained to me that human graduation. Is an important milestone. That you will be embarking on. And that I am now a part of your ridiculous human family. So I will come and support you in these exciting times.” 

Dirk is cracking the fuck up next to his boyfriend, obviously amused by how completely fucking ridiculous he is. 

“That’s uh… word. Thanks man.” 

Karkat chooses this time to burst back into your room, brandishing bags of takeout. 

“Oh, hi Dave! It’s just me, Karkat, the magnificent fucking driver that you refuse to fucking trust with you vehicle. What’s this? I’ve returned safely? With food? Well, shit, look the fuck at that.” He mocks you. 

Caliborn seems to really fucking like the way he’s talking, “Who is this. Dave human. Is this your small alien boyfriend? His words. They please me.” 

Karkat looks utterly dumbfounded, “Who the fuck is this guy?” he asks you. 

“Uh, Dirk’s boyfriend? I guess?” You answer. 

“Hi Karkat.” 

“Hi Dirk.” 

“So uh, we’re gonna go. We’ve got Netflix plans. See y’all at graduation, I guess. Yo and Dirk, can you fix shit with Jake? John and I are not dealing with your bullshit on graduation.” You tell him. He gives you a thumbs up before closing the laptop. 

Karkat gives you that ‘I want gossip and I want it now’ look. 

You begin your little story as the two of you set up an array of food and your laptop on your bed, for optimal Netflix movie night pleasure, “Okay so I guess Dirk gets over there and fucking falls in love with his internet buddy bff. Guess that shouldn’t really surprise me as much as it does. But uh, Jake was weird about it? I mean, of course he was weird about it. You don’t just fucking roll with the punches when you go on a bro-cation with your ex and they end up bumping uglies with someone else. Dirk kind of flipped his shit back at Jake, for expecting him to just be fucking platonic boyfriends. Jake left. Now we’re here.” 

“Your family is so fucking dramatic.” Karkat tells you. 

“Dude, you weren’t even here for the fights those two dumbasses had when they were actually dating.” You sigh. 

“What movie did you want to watch? Something scary you said?” Karkat changes the subject. 

“Okay, dude. This is going to scare the shit out of you. I mean, okay, technically it’s a two hour long documentary-“ 

“DAVE” 

“I have sat through so many romcoms, you’re gonna watch this, okay? It’s a real life fucking horror documentary. So good. Get ready to have your mind fucking blown.” You start typing the name of the movie into the search bar. 

“Eyes of the Mothman? Are you kidding me? Okay, those look like MY eyes, Dave. Mystery fucking solved, these people were freaking out over a mutant blood troll.” Karkat exhales. 

“No, dude, shut the fuck up, this is cinematic genius. Also, never fucking compare yourself to the Mothman again.” 

“You’re going to get scared, aren’t you?” 

You don’t answer him, just pull the blankets up around you and start popping spring rolls into your mouth. Karkat climbs in with you, eating with one hand and holding his cat in the other. He’s like, real attached to the Mayor. It’s kind of adorable.

Later that night, after you’ve fallen asleep, he wakes you up in the pitch black, his big red eyes glowing just like the Mothman, wrapped in a blanket that looks like wings in the dark. You scream so loud John comes running in to make sure you’re okay. Your douchebag best bro seems to find the situation just as hilarious as Karkat. Assholes. 

The Mayor takes Karkat’s side, like he always does, and jumps on your back the second you let your guard down to yell at the two of them. You scream again. They keep on laughing. 

 

You’re kind of freaked out about how quickly your last semester of college is racing by. It seems like a fucking week ago you were sitting in the Pub picking out your last classes with all your friends. But here you the fuck are now, flipping through books in the library at three in the morning. Seniors have to get their conference papers and theses turned in a week before the rest of the school. If you all hadn’t become so damn good at busting out three fifty page papers in under two weeks by now, you’d be worried. It’s almost like second nature to you now. Weird that most of you will never need to use this skill again in about a week and a half. Shit. 

You almost feel guilty being so chill about your work when your boyfriend is flipping the fuck out. He’s always flipping the fuck out, though, so you figure he’s probably used to it. He’s also done more work than pretty much the rest of you combined- he’s finished his collection for his poetry class, is halfway through with his statistics project, and has a nearly-edited half hour film and over a hundred pages written for his thesis. Granted, he hasn’t had time to actually hang out with anyone in months, but that’s alright. You’re so fucking proud of that kid, you have no problem accepting shortened morning cuddles and rain check sex. 

Currently, your group of friends has managed to claim an entire room in the library as your own. There’s enough of you that at any given point, at least three of you are awake and working in there, another few passed out on the pile of bean bag chairs you’ve managed to collect from around the building. You, Tavros, and Nepeta just got back from the Pub, snacking on fries and the first 4am batch of French toast sticks. 

Karkat appears to have fallen asleep on top of his keyboard while you were out, despite his protests that his stress levels have ascended him far beyond the need for sleep. You make sure to save his work, just in case, before plopping yourself down on the opposite end of the room next to your friends. 

“So Neps, show us what you’ve got for your animation so far.” You tell her. Nepeta has also taken on a thesis, single-handedly writing, drawing, and voice acting the “pilot episode” of a cartoon. 

“Oh, not yet! I let Tavros watch it before, and he gave me some really good suggestions I want to work on first.” She smiles. It doesn’t escape you the way her hand lingers on his after helping him out of his wheelchair and onto the floor. 

“If you’re looking for something to do, uh, my draft for my anthropology class could use a read through.” Tavros suggests, inching his laptop towards you. 

“Is this the photo ethnography thing?” You ask. 

“No, no, that’s my other class. This is the uh, the one trying to sift through some Alternian lore versus actual history.” He corrects you. 

“But you should look at his photo ethnography too! It’s so good!” Nepeta boasts for him. 

Tavros blushes. 

There’s a rustling from the bean bag chair pile to your left, and Aradia pokes her head out. 

“Nng, what time is it?” She asks, rubbing her eyes. 

“Uh, thought you went home like four hours ago. Have you been here the whole time?” You ask her. 

“I don’t even know. I was dreaming I was in bed. Have I taken my virology final yet? Is it over? Please tell me it’s over guys.” She whines. 

“No, it’s tomorrow morning Aradia. You have to get some sleep.” Nepeta breaks the bad news. 

“Can you guys just, wake me up at seven? That’s three more hours of sleep, plus an extra hour to study and get coffee before my test…” Aradia says, mostly to herself. 

“Uh, sure. Just, um, I think Feferi is going to come study down here, too.” Nepeta warns. 

Aradia grimaces, but eventually flops back into her library cocoon. You think it’s stupid that the two girls are still fighting over something that happened years ago. Doesn’t make sense to you. You sling an arm around Nepeta, knowing how much it breaks her heart to be in the middle of this fight between her two good friends. 

The three of you stay up all night, and each manage to get two of your three projects completed and handed in. Feferi never shows, so it’s not at all awkward in the morning when you all wake Aradia up with a buffet of pastries you collect from the Pub on yet another food run. The chick downs three cups of coffee before running off to her test, and is visibly shaking, but it seems like she’s going to do well judging by all the flashcards you quizzed her on. 

You make sure to check on Karkat in his little secluded corner. He’s asleep again, but has another ten pages typed out since the last time you peered over at his screen. He must have woken up and written this at some point, without alerting the rest of you that he was conscious. You’ve got to go present your music project, but you make sure to leave him a couple pop tarts and a bottle of water before you go. 

Your personal presentation goes extremely well- your music professor is hella impressed. You get yelled at for falling asleep in the back of class while other kids are playing, though. Whoops. 

Karkat is awake and typing furiously when you get back to the library a few hours later. Nepeta and Tavros are both passed out on the bean bag chairs, Eridan now next to them. 

“How’d your presentation go?” He asks you, not looking up from his laptop. 

You sit down next to him and take out your own laptop, hellbent on finishing your last paper before you go home tonight. 

“So good. I’m like, a, uh, fuck. I’m so tired. Insert elaborate metaphor here.” 

He pats you on the face, and you both write silently until he realizes he’s a half hour late for class because, FUCK, today is THURSDAY shit. 

You manage to finish your paper with encouragement from Eridan, and head back to your house to feed Karkat’s kitten around seven in the evening. You try for a good two hours to actually fall asleep. You should be able to sleep- you haven’t slept in two goddamn days. You must still be riding your caffeine high, though, because nothing can get you to pass the fuck out. 

You take the Mayor and wander into John’s room. He’s got Adventure Time playing, with Terezi curled up asleep under his arm. 

“Oh, shit, dude, I didn’t mean to interrupt-“ You begin. 

“No no, it’s fine! She was just upset, and lonely I guess. None of us have really been home during finals week…” He explains. 

“You, uh, want some company?” You ask. 

“Yeah, I was thinking of smoking this bowl… I just turned in my last paper, figured I deserved to treat myself.” He tells you. 

“Shit, yeah, I’m having trouble sleeping. Let’s get stoned and watch stupid cartoons.” You agree. 

You go onto the porch to smoke, because damn it would be fucked up getting high in the same room as Terezi. 

“Hey Dave?” 

“Yeah dude?” 

“Terezi took some pills tonight. They… they’re prescribed to her, but I’m kind of freaked out about it.” John tells you, inhaling smoke. 

“Fuck. Fuck. What’d she take?” 

“Xanax. I know it’s an anti-anxiety thing, and I know she has panic attacks, and I know these can help that, but… she already has an addiction problem.” John tells you. 

“I didn’t even know she was seeing a psychiatrist.” You say. 

“Neither did I.” 

“I don’t know how to tell if this is helping her or not.” 

“Neither do I.” 

“Fuck.” 

“I asked her to live with me next year. Her and Vriska.” John sighs. 

“Woah… what? Dude, is that a good idea?” You were kind of figuring Terezi would end up with you again. 

“I know you and Karkat want to get a place alone.” John shrugs. 

“Yeah, but dude, I’d be happy to live with you too. Or Terezi. Or both of you, whatever.” Fuck, this has you feeling selfish. 

“Go live with your stupid boyfriend, Dave. I think you two sometimes stress Terezi out a little too much anyway.” 

“Yeah, that’s probably fair. What about your crush on her though? And uh, the whole Vriska is your ex thing?” You ask. 

“Vriska and I are cool now. That was so long ago, you know? And yeah, I like Terezi, but, she clearly can’t deal with that right now. I’d rather just help her afford an apartment and get the help she needs than pursue her in a quadrant she can’t fucking handle.” John admits. 

“That’s like, the most mature shit I’ve ever heard out of anyone’s mouth Egbert.” 

“Look at us, growing up.” 

“Fuck.” 

You pass out in his bed, you, John, TZ, and the Mayor, with Adventure Time still blaring in the background. Karkat wakes you up around 6am to drag you and the cat back to your own bed. 

 

Everyone finishes up their work four days later, even Karkat (although you literally had to pry his computer out of his hands and submit his thesis for him). You’ve been cooking up a special treat for all your friends for… okay, for a few years. For awhile it was just meant as a special thing to do with Karkat, but you get to be with Karkat for the rest of your life. Who knows when you’ll see half these other kids after graduation. 

Okay, fuck, maybe that was a little presumptuous, all assuming you’re gonna be with Karkat forever. Just, you can’t really figure out how to picture your life any differently. 

Shut up Dave, time to stop being sappy, you’re in the middle of a speech to your goddamn friends.

“So uh, right. Where was I?” You ask. You totally lost track of the things you were saying out loud versus what you were saying in your head. 

John swoops in to the rescue, “Well you started off by saying you have a fun plan, but it kind of dissolved into a rant about Karkat.” 

You look over at your boyfriend who is cross-armed and red faced. Oops. 

“Ha ha, whoops. So uh, anyway, you guys want to go on a fun rite-of-passage adventure to celebrate our last day of classes?” You ask them, trying to get back on track. 

“Why else would we all be sitting in your apartment, Dave? Come on, you’re boring us!” Vriska sighs. 

“Damn Vriska, give me a second to build up the suspense. Okay, okay, y’all know how the Music Building used to be some rich creep’s mansion, right? Upstairs are those giant marble bathtubs. It’s senior tradition to sneak in and take a bath in them before you graduate.” You smirk. 

They’re all just staring at you. Sollux speaks up first, “Just to clarify, you want us to take a group bath?” 

“I think it sounds fun!” Nepeta cheers. 

“I think it sounds gay.” Eridan rolls his eyes. 

“You’re literally in a homoerotic relationship, fish breath.” Hey, at least Karkat is defending your idea. 

“I was anticipating that half of you wouldn’t understand the beautiful irony of this very fucking serious adventure. For those of you that don’t want to bathe in the sweet, succulent waters of irresponsible tradition, I’ve got three twenty-four packs and keys to the roof of the Music Building.” You brandish the keys you swiped from a security guard after your closing shift a few nights ago. 

“Uh, if you guys could help me up the stairs, sure…” Tavros reminds you. 

“Duh, dude, we’ve got you!” John claps him on the shoulder. 

You manage to convince more of them than you expect to actually take a bath. There’s two tubs, and you squeeze three people in each- you, Karkat, and TZ in one, Nepeta, Feferi, and Vriska in the other. The rest of them take the keys and head up to the roof with varying levels of “the bath is stupid” coming from their mouths before the group splits up. 

You’re not gonna say the bath is exactly the most fun. The girls in the room over sound like they’re having a fucking blast through the wall, but even though Terezi refuses to take off her baggy shirt and boxers, it’s obvious how stick-thin and boney she is. You and Karkat do your fucking best to make jokes with her and revel in the adrenaline that comes with breaking into a school building after hours to do something completely ridiculous, but it’s mostly completely fucking awkward and you can’t wait for it to be over so you can rejoin the group on the roof. 

Terezi brought a change of clothes, but you and Karkat and the rest of the girls just wrap yourselves in towels and head up the ladder. You get a case of beers tossed at you before laying down on the roof, your head in Karkat’s lap. There’s a good portion of your brain stuck on the fabric of his boxers, the smell of the laundry detergent he stole from you- Snuggles. The coolest detergent for all dude bros. You want to just lay here and memorize the indents his clothes leave against your cheek, the pressure of his thighs on your face, the number of times he absentmindedly tugs at your hair while enveloped in his conversations. 

Sometimes you love him so much it makes you sick. 

You aren’t here tonight to focus on Karkat, you’re here to pay attention to your goddamn friends, to celebrate a milestone, to start saying the first of your many goodbyes to this campus. 

You do your best to ignore the shit Karkat is talking about, which honestly isn’t that hard. He’s poking fun at Eridan for being so openly matesprit-y with Sollux, while Vriska joins in just a little too flirty to not be making obvious spades moves at fish boy. Karkat might be invested in that drama, but you really, really, truly do not give a fuck. 

You’re much more interested in the twenty three texts John has sent to Roxy since you’ve climbed up here. 

“Dude, you got a crush or some shit?” You flick him on the foot, not removing yourself from your position on Karkat’s legs. 

He goes bright red. 

It sure is weird being on the other end of the “best bro is dating my older sister” trope. 

“Dude, shut up.” Nice retort, John. 

“Oh my god, have you two already fucked?” You say it as a joke, but the way he bristles has you stifling a laugh into Karkat’s knees. 

“You dated Jade!” He defends himself. 

“Oh my god dude, she’s our age. Roxy’s like, my mom.” You cannot stop laughing. 

“She’s not MY mom.” 

“Oh my god.” 

Nepeta is giggling at the two of you, from her position sprawled across Equius and Tavros’ laps. 

“I’m worried this is more serious for humans than you think, Nepeta.” Equius chides her. She and Tavros both look between him and you and John and just start fucking giggling. John joins in, and Equius too once he sees the way it’s affecting you. Your friends are assholes. 

It doesn’t escape you that Aradia and Feferi are sitting next to each other. They… might not be talking, not more than a few shallow words, but after two years of silence you think everyone is relieved to see that you can at least sit them in the same fucking room together. 

You’re not gonna lie and pretend this turned out to be the night you intended. You were imagining some magical fucking friendship moment, where everyone reminisced about the first times they met and made up with their frenemies and had an epic rap circle or like, at least sang one embarrassing song together. 

Instead, half of them turn in way before the sun rises, some of them tired and some of them bored and chilly. Terezi is among them, retreating to a somewhat reluctant Vriska’s room. Even with her gone, you can’t seem to get the burn of her tiny, shivering frame out of your mind. Karkat doesn’t say anything about it, doesn’t have to. You both know it’s what’s really on your minds behind the forced banter with John and Tavros. 

It’s not that you don’t have a good night. It’s just that there’s this sting of pain behind it that you didn’t expect. 

You hope it goes away. 

You focus on Karkat’s hand and breath and heavy eyelids on the walk home to silence the shitty thoughts you’re having. 

It’s such a good distraction, it kind of scares you. 

\-------------------------------------------

You never thought you’d say this, but you’re getting god damn tired of being drunk. Literally, tired. Senior week has been fun- college sponsored parties and dances and dinners every night, but god, fuck, there is so much booze. Free booze. It seemed like a fucking godsend the first few nights. Now you’re just a little worried that the hangover that finally catches up with you when all this shit is over might actually kill you. 

Tonight isn’t for fucking worrying about that bullshit, though. Tonight is the booze cruise, the glorious evening passed down through your college’s folklore where the administration pays to stuff all the seniors full of alcohol and lock you onto a boat sailing around the Hudson for four hours. It is always so disastrous that there is talk of cancelling it the next year, but never quite so disastrous that it ever actually is. It is an unwritten rule that students must get so absolutely sloshed that it seems like a good idea to do something completely ridiculous and booze-cruise-ban worthy. 

You all went into the evening intending on throwing Eridan over the side of the boat as your unacceptable prank. For a second there, he was so drunk he was on board. Then more beers happened and you’re all having too much trouble just standing and dancing to have any idea how to carry out an actual plan. 

You’re a stupid romantic fucking cliché though. You’ve had Dave’s hand in yours all night, kissing him every time you pass under a bridge while the rest of the seniors cheer. You still don’t get that stupid tradition, yelling when a boat passes under a bridge. Maybe it isn’t a tradition, maybe these nerds are just so drunk it’s actually got them excited. Either way, it’s a damn good excuse to feel Dave’s big pale lips between your own. 

You wait until dark hits to steal him away to the front of the ship, kissing with a little more privacy. You know he wants to do the Titanic thing with you. He’s acting like it’s all about you, because you’ve made him watch the movie five times, but he’s way too excited about it for him not to be getting off on it a little. 

“Dude, wait, okay, so I’ve gotta get a selfie of this. Frontways.” He tells you. 

“Like, the wrong way? The not facing the ocean way?” 

“Trust me.” 

“I’m going to hate this.” 

“Dude, you’re gonna be getting your face smooched off on a boat. You’re gonna love this.” 

“I think you’re over- mmph, mm, oh, mm” Okay, fine even when you’re arguing and he’s clearly taking awkward selfies, the kissing on the bow of the ship is nice. Romantic. Everything drunk Karkat wanted out of this evening. 

Tavros interrupts you. 

“Uhh, guys, I’m sorry to interrupt but uh, hide me.” He shouts at you, rolling himself closer to the pair of you. 

You go to question him, but Dave is already grabbing at your wrist, blindly trusting that whatever Tavros wants you to do this for is important and not utter bullshit. He wheels Tavros around so that he’s stationed behind you both and, just as an angry looking bartender flies around the corner, and starts kissing you senseless again. You hear the woman make a disapproving “tch” before continuing on to the interior of the ship. You can’t really blame her- the makeout was a little inappropriate for a public setting. 

“She’s, uh, gone now guys.” Tavros interjects. 

You push Dave off your face. 

“What the fuck was that, Nitram? How much trouble could you have possibly gotten yourself into?” You interrogate. 

“I sort of stole this? And got caught?” He brandishes an ice cream at you. 

Dave starts chuckling, “Dude why the fuck did you steal an ice cream? You know it’s literally your birthday, right? We would have scraped together all our change and bought that shit for you.” 

“How many fucking times- TROLLS DON’T HAVE BIRTHDAYS. IT’S A WRIGGLING DAY, and Tavros’ isn’t for another half a sweep.” You correct Dave. You fucking hate the way you’re expected to convert to the Earth calendar, just because now you’re on a planet orbiting at a ridiculously fast speed. 

“Dude, I told you we’ll do W day too okay? This isn’t about his W day. It’s about his god damn B day.” Dave shakes his head, like this is an argument you’ve had a million times before. 

Okay, fine, so this is an argument you’ve have a million times before. What the fuck ever. 

“Okay, guys? Uh, not to interrupt, but I’m kind of a thief on the run now.” Tavros pulls your attention back to him. Right, shit. 

“So why the fuck did you steal this? On a boat we’re stuck on for another…” You’re trying to check your watch, but drunk numbers are hard. 

“Hour.” Dave adds.

Tavros blushes, “Uh, okay, well, so, the thing is, I saw Vriska steal one, and she was bragging about getting away with it, and…” 

“NO. Oh no. You are not starting your bullshit crush on her again, are you?” You stop him in the middle of his sentence, absolutely refusing to let that shit get any further. Just because Vriska feels bad about the whole paralysis thing, and actually has been doing her best (which isn’t perfect, but hey) not to… be a general bitch, doesn’t mean that she and Tavros should ever date, ever. Under any circumstances. 

“No, god, no. Okay, I know I uh, I really liked how uh, confident she was, I guess? And I know she liked how I was, I guess the opposite. But that was shitty, and I know that, I just. I still admire how fearless she is.” Tavros sighs, lolling his head off to the side. 

“So you stole an ice cream?” Your voice is flat and annoyed. 

Your stupid boyfriend high-fives him, “Dude, this was such a dumb drunk choice. I fuckin love it.”

“Okay, but what does he do?” 

“Oh, I mean, I’m just gonna go find that lady and pay for it. Maybe make her feel bad she’s chasing a birthday dude in a wheelchair.” Dave vanishes into the crowd, struggling to find his wallet in his pocket. 

Well. There goes the fucking romance. Thanks, Tavros. Better fucking yet, thanks Vriska. Shit always seems to come back to her. 

Sollux and Nepeta wander over to you as you lean back against the railing of the ship, watching Dave walk away in defeat. From the looks on their faces- amused and concerned, respectively- you guess they know the whole Tavros deal. 

“So I see that didn’t go as swimmingly as you hoped it would.” Sollux chuckles. 

“Nope, idiot got himself caught.” You agree with him. Tavros rolls his eyes, smiling. 

“Lay off, would you? Dave said he was taking care of it. Let’s go DANCE Tavros!” Nepeta grins. 

You aren’t sure if she’s on something or just super drunk and extra enthusiastic. You also aren’t sure if the look Tavros is shooting back at her as she rolls him away is terror or excitement. Probably both. 

“So your matesprit ditched you too?” Sollux asks you when they’re gone. He looks less mopey than he sounds. 

“Boyfriend.” You correct him. 

“Oh, whatever. It’s just vacillating, without keeping track of the quadrant swaps.” He chides you. 

“No it really, really isn’t. I don’t do quadrants, asshole.” 

“You dated in quadrants for years. Are you telling me three years with a human and you’re already giving up this huge part of your troll culture? Isn’t your whole thing supposed to be preserving that?” You can’t tell if he’s looking for a drunk argument or actually wondering. 

You… really fucking hope your relationship with a human isn’t making your troll friends think poorly of you, for dating the fucking enemy. Shit. 

“No, I. NO. I couldn’t do the quadrants with Terezi, either, alright? Maybe it’s my mutant blood bullshit, I don’t know, fuck.” You’re kind of working yourself up over this. 

“Holy shit KK, I’m just fucking with you. We all know you’re shit at actual relationships, even if you’ve got the lingo bullshit from all your romcoms. Come on, let’s grab another beer or something.” 

You’re distracted from your beer when you notice Nepeta kneeling in Tavros’ lap in the middle of the dance floor, her face firmly planted on his. 

“HOLY SHIT” 

There’s a hand on your back, then Dave’s voice echoing, “What’s up- holy shit. Holy shit.” 

“Oh man, is this freshman year or some shit?” Sollux remarks. He’s not nearly as impressed by the romance as you are. 

“Uh, okay fuck, do y’all remember what happened when they made out freshman year?” Dave’s grip on your back tightens. 

“Oh, shit, shit, we have to find Equius.” Your eyes are scanning the crowd for him. Really, you don’t want him to hit Tavros for kissing his moirail. Again. 

Luckily the jerk isn’t difficult to spot. He towers over everyone with his lanky muscles, wide eyed and sweating. He’s staring directly at Nepeta. Dave reacts before you do, grabbing you by the wrist to pull you along behind him. You get a fist full of Sollux’s shirt and bring him, too, despite his drunken struggles to escape your grasp. 

You and Dave form a blockade in front of Equius the instant you reach him, Sollux cross-armed a few paces behind you. 

You let Dave take the lead here. Mostly because you’re almost positive your yelling would do nothing but exacerbate the situation. 

“Yo, dude, hey, you wanna talk this shit out?” Your boyfriend is saying, hands in the air. 

“I don’t like to see her like this… with that low blood swine.” His voice is low and shaking and wow, holy shit, that pissed you off. 

“Are you fucking kidding me Equius? A year. A full fucking YEAR we work on a project together, about equality and rights for trolls- especially fucking LOW BLOOD TROLLS- and you’re still talking like that? No, no, no no no, this is bullshit, I am calling you on your bullshit you hemophobic high blood licking scumbag.” Now you’re shaking, too, Dave’s grip on your wrist tightening to prevent an all out brawl on the dance floor. 

Equius looks a little ashamed when he says, “I just want the best for her.” 

“Dude, have you met Tavros? You’re literally building him a pair of legs. Like, you don’t do that for someone you don’t think is a cool kid. I don’t get the issue.” Dave says. Sollux is still standing behind you all, pretending he isn’t listening. 

“You don’t understand, Dave. If she… Karkat, you see the way things are going with trolls and humans. If we have to go back to Alternia… she’s a mid blood. She can’t just… that’s walking a thin line. If she’s associating with a low blood romantically, it puts her in so much more danger.” Equius explains. 

Oh. 

Fuck. 

You’re having a harder time being angry with him, now. His thinkpan is still fucked, but god. He just wants her to be safe. 

“You know what, asshole?” Sollux chimes in, to your shock and surprise, “I think I know a little bit about people dating below their blood level. If Eridan can get over that shit, lower himself to date a yellow blood like me, you can back the fuck out of her relationship.” 

“Eridan is royalty.” Equius argues. 

“Like that shit means anything anymore. Alternia is a shit show. Earth is a shit show. We’re all equally fucking likely to die. Everyone hates one of the blood colors, Equius.” Seriously, you can’t believe Sollux is backing you up here. You’re feeling more righteous than you have in awhile. 

“At least wait and fuckin talk to her about it, bro.” Dave tacks on. 

Equius rubs his hands across his face and backs down, excusing himself. Shit gets kind of awkward.

“Sollux, I-“

“Shut the fuck up, Karkat. You realize you’re in the most taboo dangerous fucking relationship of all of us, right? Equius needs to get his shit together. I’m going to find Eridan.” Sollux silences you. 

You turn to Dave to rant instead, “What the actual fuck? How the shit does Equius think he can get away with saying shit like that around me? And Sollux? And you, you fucking albino mutant kid, jesus. Fuck that. Fuck Equius.” 

“Dude, I know.” Dave wraps his arms around your shoulders, and you bury your face in his neck. 

“I know he’s just trying to protect her. It’s so shitty he has to fucking make a choice between sticking with his new not disgusting beliefs and protecting her. It isn’t fucking fair, Dave.” You mumble into his collarbone. 

“I know, Karkat.” 

“I wanted tonight to be fun.” 

“Me too, man.” 

“Do people… really think our relationship is that fucked?”

He doesn’t answer this one. 

You mope into him for another minute. You know he’ll let you stay like this the rest of the night, if you need it, but fuck that. You’re on a boat, and college is over, and you came here to have a god damn fucking good time. 

You’re still on the dance floor, or near it anyway, close enough to hear the music shift. It isn’t exactly good music, just that same generic pop shit that you, honestly, probably listen to way too often. You take it as a cue to get the fuck into a better mood. 

Forcing one of your fang-filled grins on your face, you grab Dave by the back and press him into one of those cheesy ballroom dips. He looks taken aback for a split second, and then catches on. He winks at you over the top of his shades, and the two of you proceed to dance like huge fucking dorks. You manage to salvage the rest of the trip by ignoring all your insufferable friends, and only speaking to the ones that can actually manage to have a good time without causing some major fucking drama. So really, it’s just you and Dave and Tavros and Nepeta. 

You get sleepy as hell on the bus ride back to campus. For once, it’s Dave who’s the one that’s drunk and manic and ready to fucking party. He keeps mumbling in your ear about dancing on tables and breaking into one of the dance studios on campus to start a rave. 

“I’ve got those glow sticks Kar. Karkat. Dude the fucking glow sticks you know?” He’s poking at you, lopsided grin on his face.

“Oh shit, they’re back at your apartment.” You tell him. 

“Nooooooo, oh man, noooo, I sent out this mass text to meet me in the dance studio as soon as we get back, shit, shit.” He hangs his head, far too gone for problem solving. 

“I’ll run back and grab them. Just start up the music. Here, take my keys, grab my laptop from my dorm and figure out some stupid fucking lighting effects on that.” You put your key ring directly in his pocket, not really trusting his grip right now. 

“Babe you’ve got those lights. The Christmas ones.” He points out. 

“Yeah, take them, whatever. Security is so gonna bust you, you know that right?” You warn him. He just sort of pouts at you. God it’s disgusting how cute that shit is. 

It’s not until you’re off the bus and making the fifteen minute walk to Dave’s apartment that you bother checking your phone. Holy shit, Terezi has texted you a lot. Fuck. Fuck. 

GC: hey karkat

She’s not even using her weird leet speak, oh, fuck, shit. 

GC: I know I couldn’t go on this class trip  
GC: obviously  
GC: I’m not in college. I’m not graduating. You know that. Everyone knows that.   
GC: You probably think I’m pathetic.  
GC: I guess I do too.   
GC: This is stupid and I’m sorry I’m saying it to you.  
GC: I guess you all going off without me just made me realize  
GC: I’m so fucking lonely.   
GC: Or maybe just alone.  
GC: God, ignore this. 

You’re screaming for her by the time you manage to get their apartment door unlocked, so fucking terrified that she’s going to be drunk or high or hurting herself or some worse, something much fucking worse, that you’re trying not to think too hard about. 

She’s fine, obviously. Just sitting on the sofa watching TV, covered up in a giant sweater that she stole from John, that John took out of Dave’s room, that you’re almost positive originally belonged to you. 

“Terezi, what the fuck?” It’s coming out as mad, but you aren’t mad. You’re terrified. 

“Shit. I was hoping you’d be too drunk to read those.” She’s got her glasses off, and you can tell her face is all puffy from crying. 

“Did you text anyone else?” You ask her. 

“Vriska. She responded, but she actually is too drunk to deal with it.” Terezi sighs. 

“I’m going to be shit helping you out here, compared to her. I’m a terrible moirail.” You admit, sitting down next to her, awkwardly close. 

“You seem to be doing a pretty good job with Dave. You two… are good. Better than we ever were. I always thought it was your fault, but now… ugh.” She collapses her head into her knees. 

“Fucking, stop. Don’t do the blaming yourself bullshit, Jesus. Just tell me what’s going on.” You have no idea how to handle this. 

“You’re all graduating tomorrow.” 

“No shit.” 

“I’m not graduating. I don’t even have a job. I’ve been squatting in this apartment for two years, Karkat. And John and Vriska just expect me to do this again next year, with them. Just live with two incredibly successful people, sitting on my ass, getting fat and watching Netflix and playing the same six video games over and over.” She won’t look at you when she says this, she’s got her head firmly pointed towards the window. 

“I can help you find a job, Terezi. Retail, or something. Or waitressing.” You suggest. 

She gags, “I can’t work around food all day, stop.” 

“You still aren’t eating, are you?” God, that’s not the right way to ask. You know it isn’t, you know you aren’t being helpful, but you don’t know what the right way is. You wish Dave’s stupid psychologist-in-training sister were here instead of you. Fuck. 

She doesn’t say anything, just pulls her arms tighter around her knees. 

“Terezi, you have to eat.” 

“Please, stop.” 

“No, no no, fucking, we’ve all ignoring this long enough. Me and Dave, and fucking Vriska, even John, okay? Everyone knows you aren’t eating Terezi, you have to fucking eat. You’re going to die, you look like you’re dying.” You shouldn’t be yelling, you but you can’t seem to make yourself stop. 

“Wow, thanks Karkat! I look like shit? I totally was unaware! I was actually positive that I was a radiant beautiful thin model. But god, thanks for shining the light on how hideous I actually am. Thank you.” Now she’s yelling, too. 

Fuck, you didn’t mean it like that. “Terezi, fucking, stop! You’re not hideous, okay? You’re really, really fucking pretty. I just want you to be healthy.” 

“Just fucking stop, okay? Stop, all of you need stop, it’s stupid, I know I’m horrible and worthless and fat okay just stop, stop lying, stop.” She’s crying again. You are not helping. Fuck, fuck, fuck. 

You grab her by the face, try to calm her down, wipe at the tears on her cheeks and pull her into your chest and kiss the top of her head. 

“If I actually thought any of that were true, do you think I’d have let Dave invite you to live here? Jesus Christ Terezi, you know I fucking call people on their bullshit. That’s my thing. Yelling about people’s flaws. You are so so fucked up right now, Terezi, okay? I will fucking admit that you are out of your mind. But you’re not… you’re not awful. You’re just sad, and stagnant, and you refuse to eat, and your anxiety is out of control. Go see a fucking therapist. For fuck’s sake, let someone help you.” You try your best to throw on a more soothing tone. 

“Fuck”

“What?”

“My arm is all numb, fuck, fuck.” 

“W- oh, shit, you’re having a panic attack?” You ask her. 

“Yeah. No. I’m dying. Okay, no, I know it’s a panic attack, I just, fuck. Karkat, make it fucking stop, please, make it stop, I can’t feel my hands.” You can feel her breaths getting faster. You’ve sat her through panic attacks a thousand times. This you know how to deal with. 

You carry her into Dave’s room, opening up all the windows for fresh air, and force her out of her fetal position on the bed. 

“I’m gonna get you water and your Xanax. Can you start up a TV show on your own, or do you want me to do it?” You ask, fingers on her wrist to feel her pulse. It’s fast, of course it is, but she’s fine. 

“I can’t stop shaking.” She breathes out. 

“I know, I know. I’ll be right back, okay?” 

She nods. 

You try to get her to have a few crackers with her Xanax, but she refuses. The pill hits her empty stomach strong and fast, knocking her out faster than you’d like it to. It’s probably for the best. Being awake didn’t seem to be going so well for her right now. 

You check the clock on Dave’s wall- fuck. You’ve been here for nearly two hours. This was supposed to be a twenty-minute trip. You head back out into the living room to check your phone. Dave’s texted like, a lot. You opt to call him instead of reading them all. 

“Dave?”

“Karkat? Holy shit, I’m on my way back to the apartment, I was freaking out, are you okay?” He sounds drunk and anxious. 

“Yeah, sorry. It was Terezi.” 

“Shit, I can’t hear you, I’m in the elevator, I’ll-“ The connection cuts off. 

You sigh. He’ll be home in two seconds. You walk over to the door and open it. He swoops in for a tackle hug when he sees you. 

“Dude, dude, what happened?” He’s sloppy drunk and won’t stop kissing your face. You barely manage to close the door. 

“Terezi.” 

“Ohh, no, no, fuck, I shoulda realized, I shoulda come back, I’m sorry Karkat, fuckn, damn.” He’s still pawing at you like you haven’t seen each other in weeks. 

“It’s fine. She’s just a mess. And I’m tired.” You let him pull you into an awkwardly positioned embrace on the floor. 

“I’m really fucked up Karkat.” He says after awhile, before hiccupping for dramatic effect. It has you laughing. 

“You’re such a nerd.” You try pushing him playfully, but he topples right over onto the floor, giggling, pulling you down on top of him. 

“Dude, Karkat, we graduate tomorrow.” He tells you, in between kisses. 

“Fuck, I know.” You’re smiling. 

“Are we gonna sleep or just like, keep drinking.” 

“Fuck. Is it bad to be wasted walking across the stage?” 

“This is our last chance to be irresponsible.” He advises, serious look he’s trying to pull off coming across goofy as hell. 

“Ugh, fine, let’s do shots on the porch.” You agree. You don’t think you could sleep anyway, after that conversation with Terezi. It’s… going to be nice to get so plastered you can’t think about her. 

He kisses you again, so fucking wet and sloppy, saying, “You’re the best, you’re the best, holy shit.” 

The both of you manage to rope John and Tavros into drinking with you all night out on the balcony, switching over to beers from liquor around five in the morning to reduce the risk of drunk vomiting during the actual graduation ceremony. 

“Guys, we should be reminiscing or something!” John tells you, falling backwards into the chair he’s dragged outside. 

“A’right, yeah, le’s do it. First time we all met e’other stories. GO.” Dave is very obviously the most fucked up right now. You barely ever get to see him like this. Fuck it’s endearing. 

“My uh, ha ha, my Karkat story is amazing!” Tavros chuckles. 

“No, no! We fucking made a PACT Tavros. A freshman year roommates PACT.” You try to silence him. 

“Holy shit, I have to hear this.” Dave pats at your mouth to shut you up. You groan, waiting for the embarrassment to set in. 

“So, you remember how hot it was the day we moved in?” Tavros begins, grinning his ass off. 

“Oh my god it’s a naked story, isn’t it?” John laughs. 

“Fuuuuuuuuuuuuck” You hate this you hate this you hate this you hate this. 

“Ha ha, shut up Karkat, okay, okay, so I uh, I get to the dorm a little late –“

“EIGHT HOURS LATE. Who shows up eight hours late? I DIDN’T THINK YOU WERE GOING TO SHOW UP.” You moan. 

“So I get there late, and Gamzee and Terezi were walking out the door to go pick up fast food or something, and, okay, first of all Gamzee was weirdly flirty? Whatever, anyway I walk into the room and Karkat-“

“No, Tavros, come on, don’t do this you dipshit fucking liar.” You’re practically begging.

“-so I walk into the room, the room that Gamzee and Terezi JUST walked out of, and Karkat is ass naked-“

“TAVROS”

“Dude don’t listen to Karkat keep talking.” Dave encourages. 

“-Karkat is ass naked with like six fans pointed at his face, and he’s got this trashy romance novel in one hand and his other hand is up his no-“

“OKAY I THINK THEY GET THE PICTURE TAVROS” You cut him off. Dave and John are clutching their sides, cracking the fuck up. 

“Dude, is that why you were so pissed off when I met you later that night? You get so angry when you’re embarrassed, bro.” Dave pinches at your cheeks, mockingly. 

“FUCK OFF” 

“Ha ha, he’s doing it right now Dave!” John giggles. 

“NO, NO, THIS IS- fuck, okay. Calm down Karkat, god fucking, you are all terrible, awful, weasel shit friends. All of you. Dave. Weasel shits.”

“Man, I don’t even remember meeting you that night Karkat. I guess I really missed out. You were all calm and collected in the first class meeting we had together! Or, okay, maybe not calm and collected, but definitely not naked and-“ John can’t even finish his sentence he’s laughing to hard at you. 

“Nah dude, you were too busy mackin’ on Vriska to notice him that night.” Dave winks at John. He pinches you on the thigh when he does this- he’ll never admit it, you know, but you think he was taking the heat off you on purpose. 

“Do we haave to keep bringing that up?” John complains. 

“Even I didn’t date her, John.” Tavros smirks. 

John folds his hands over his face, “You know she was my longest relationship? Ever?” 

“Holy shit that’s embarrassing” It comes out of your mouth before you realize how insensitive it is, but you’re positive John is very aware of what he’s doing when he hurls his empty beer can towards your head. 

You stay up for hours like this, just talking and laughing and joking. You fucking love Dave’s roommates. You’re glad you got to be here for this, instead of alone asleep in your single bed on campus.

You guys don’t realize how early it is until Terezi pokes her head out onto the balcony, spoon in her hand. 

“I’m making breakfast, dorks. You do realize you have to be in line for graduation in an hour, right?” 

Everyone pretends her face isn’t puffy from crying, and you pretend you don’t see her push her food around her plate for an hour before throwing it out, and for the morning you can pretend the three slices of banana she manages to swallow are improvement. 

There’s a knock on the door twenty minutes before you have to walk out the door. None of you have had time to shower- you’re all just struggling into caps and gowns with loads of cologne on to mask the still-present scent of booze. 

“Oh, fuck, Dirk was meeting us here. Fuck, shit, I’ve got the door.” Dave curses, going to greet his brother, one sock still pulled only halfway onto his foot. 

Dirk takes one look at the shambles the four of you boys are in, half-dressed and yawning with giant black circles under your eyes, and starts laughing, “Y’all are fucking wrecked, aren’t you? Irresponsible, little bro, drunk at graduation. You’re lucky Roxy is at Rose’s graduation today and can’t see you like this. Damn.” 

“Oh yeah, so lucky to have you here instead.” Dave groans, sarcastically. 

There’s a cherub with Dirk. You know it’s got to be Caliborn. Luckily, the short guy introduces himself. Unluckily, he is very loud. Louder than you. Probably. 

“Hello friends and relatives of Dirk. I am Caliborn. Dirk and I are interested in the waffles on the counter.” 

Dave is beaming at the kid. 

You hope he isn’t falling in love with a smaller, shouty-er alien. Shit. 

He directs the two over to some plates, before coming to whisper in your ear, “Dude, we have to hang out with the two of them all the time. This guy is fucking hilarious.” 

You scowl at him, but you don’t think he notices it’s more meaningful than your usual frown. 

Alphabetical order fucks you over at actual graduation. You aren’t near any of your friends, but fuck the L, M, N, S crowd are seated close together. Lucky shits. It’s bright and hot and the speeches drag on for fucking ever, and god, fuck, the hangover you’re melting into is killing you. On the bright side, Dave spends the majority of the ceremony turned around in his seat making faces at you. Idiot. 

You kind of expected this all to be a little more… grand. Receiving your diploma, shaking hands with the dean, introducing Kankri to Dave’s family, and Dave’s extended Egbertian family. It isn’t. It’s just… people making awkward small talk, milling around the lawn. Some of your friends leave to catch planes. Others leave to go to their new apartments in the city, or go back to their parent’s hotel rooms. 

You get dragged to a too-loud dinner with the Striders and Egberts. Kankri tags along, and fuck, is he embarrassing. Dirk Strider is not a person that Kankri really ever should have met under any circumstances. Dave is distracted half the time, too, joking around with Dad Egbert and John and Jade, and serving as an intermediary in the still-tense situation between Dirk and Jake. It kind of leaves you and Caliborn off by yourselves, feeling awkward and annoyed. You end up drawing dumb pictures with him on your placemats. Dirk and Dave can’t get enough of it, like it’s the cutest shit they’ve ever seen. You want to hit the both of them. 

It’s an odd and blurry day. You’re not sure how it happens, but you’re back in Dave’s bed, just you two and the cat, and you’ve graduated, and you’re adults, and you officially live together, and you’ve got this weird pit of anxiety and sadness and nostalgia where you thought excitement would be. 

You’re sure Dave feels it, too, the way he leaves his shades on longer than he normally does when it’s just the two of you. Neither of you mention it. You aren’t sure how. 

You hope moving in to your new apartment in a few days makes leaving this place behind seem less devastating.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> omg theyre old now it happened theyre adults
> 
> ps on my senior booze cruise i was tavros, stealing the ice cream after one of my super cool breezy friends did it without getting caught, but they totally saw me and confronted me about it but i managed to drunk talk my way out of it since i didnt have a dave strider to come to my rescue. tru life: tavros is my patron troll. 
> 
> pps drunk stealing shit is bad and not fair to workers and i regret all my past actions but it sure is something that happened


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok some serious trigger warnings this time sorry guys: gore in like a real way, self harm, eating disorder, drug use, suicidal ideation.

“Dude, how many mugs do you have? We are never gonna have this many people over. I’m not unpacking any more of this shit. It’s like fucking Starbucks up in here. ‘Can I get a half caf mocha frap Dave?’ No Karkat, I ain’t no barista, this is your house, you look through your eight thousand mugs and make your own damn coffee.” 

There’s like a forty three percent chance you fucking hate unpacking. 

“There are eight mugs, Dave. Eight. That’s less than the number of cameras you own.” Karkat shouts back at you. You can’t see him, he’s totally surrounded by boxes. He claims he’s unpacking but he seems way less miserable than you, so you’re pretty fucking suspicious that he’s just sitting there. 

“Dude we just moved all this shit inside, can’t we do this tomorrow?” You’re whining, and it isn’t cute, but y’all just carried a shit ton of furniture up three flights of stairs and it’s hot and you’re exhausted. 

“You know living out of boxes stresses me out.” 

“Euuuuughghghhhh” You don’t stop your moaning even as you go to continue putting dishes away in the cabinets. You were hoping it would annoy Karkat enough that he’d start a fight to shut you up, but he seems to have caught on to your plan and just ignores you. 

If there’s one thing Karkat’s good at, it’s keeping you the fuck on task. Which is probably the thing you are least good at so, fine, whatever, good boyfriend, best friend. You get the entire kitchen and all of your clothes unpacked single handedly, while he busies himself building Ikea furniture and setting up the TV. 

You know that it’s just Ikea furniture, and that he’s not really all that handy, but watching him shove table legs together with a screwdriver has you kind of fucking gushing over him. You vaguely wonder if you’re ability to reach the top shelf without the aid of a stool is doing the same for him. 

It takes you both a few trips to get the excess cardboard out of the house, but when you’re done, your place is looking pretty damn nice. It’s small, and it’s in Brooklyn, but it’s fucking nice. You could have afforded a nicer place, but Karkat wanted to be able to contribute a fair share of the rent which you honestly can’t blame the dude for. So you’ve got this sweet one bedroom in Crown Heights, just you and him and the Mayor. 

“Okay Dave, I don’t want you thinking that it’s acceptable to just leave the rest of these boxes around for the rest of our lease, but I’m fucking exhausted.” Karkat finally admits, plopping himself down on the sofa. 

You switch on the TV (hells to the yes you invested in cable) and snuggle up next to him, “Dude, delivery for dinner?” 

“I sure as shit can’t cook tonight.” 

“Chinese?” 

“No. Italian?”

“I can’t do pasta right now. Pizza?” 

“Indian?”

“Oh hell yeah, I could eat Chana Masala right now” You agree. 

“Shit, I was gonna get that.” 

“Whatever, it’s cool. Just get that and like, oh shit, that fucking deep fried bread shit. And some samosas. Oh and soda dude, I could use a soda right now, get my fizz on.” You instruct. 

“Uh, okay, you fucking tell them that when you’re on the phone with them.” He huffs. 

“What? No, man, I hate the phone, I’m not calling.” 

“I’m not fucking calling either.” You can tell that really, really, he won’t. 

“Uh…. Seamless this shit?” 

“Thank you, internet.” 

“Oh, now we can see what the best rated one in our area is anyway.” You smile. 

You’ve had your shades off all night, which is pretty cool. This is the first house you’ve felt comfortable not wearing them in. Even when you’re by yourself, you get a little antsy without them on. Something about the way Karkat looks at your bare eyes when he thinks you aren’t watching has you wanting to keep your face shades-less around him though.

Neither of you have had cable in four years. Karkat hasn’t had it ever. You’re bent on getting him hooked on a bunch of awful shows, but for the evening you settle on the Game Show Network. Four hours of Family Feud sound pretty much perfect after a long ass day of moving and unpacking. Plus Karkat is cute as hell screaming answers out at the television. 

“THE TOP ANSWER IS BATHROOM. Holy shit, bathroom you shit munchers! Fuck, these asswipes do not deserve to be on the show, Dave- yeah, THANK YOU other family, no shit the Smiths stole that from you, Anderson assholes, how hard was it to guess bathroom?” He’s scooted away from you to sit closer to the TV, hands busy pointing aggressively and shoving samosas into his mouth. 

“Dude we should play this with our friends.” You suggest. 

“I’ve heard your guesses, Strider, you’re as shit at this game as this family with zero points. You aren’t on my team.” Isn’t he sweet? He must realize that was a douchebag thing to say though, because he leans back close enough for his spine to make contact with your knee. He pops another samosa into his mouth.

“Fuckin, that was my samosa dick wad. You’ve already had two.” You flick the back of his head. 

“Oh, have I?” You can’t see his face, but you feel the smirk peeling off of his words. 

“Maan, John never ate my samosas when I lived with him.” You complain. You’re totally fucking joking, the kid has stolen thousands of your snacks, but the way Karkat reels around with panic in his eyes has you thinking he actually believes you. 

“You miss John already? Jesus Christ, I ask you to unpack six fucking boxes and suddenly you don’t want to live with me anymore. I should have fucking expected this, honestly, fucking, of course you miss John-“ 

He’s rambling on about the stupidest shit you’ve ever heard, and has himself all worked up and crouched on top of the table. You honestly cannot stop fucking laughing. 

“WHAT? What about this is funny Dave? I can’t afford the rent when you move out on your own and-“

“Dude-“

“STOP LAUGHING”

“Karkat I’m not moving out, I fucking love living with you dude.” You plop your forehead on his shoulder, trying to calm the chuckles. 

He looks pensive, then says, “You’ve been really upset about moving out of your old building.” 

“I mean, yeah dude. I lived there for two years. My best friends lived there. You essentially lived there. That’s where like, half of our relationship memories are from. Fuck yeah I miss that shit. But I am so fucking pumped to be in this new place with you. We’ve got so much fucked up shit we could get up to all on our own.” You nuzzle him, just a little. 

“So many naked memories.” He adds. 

“We could start that shit right now if you want. Take this party to the bedroom.” You hope he agrees. 

“Bedroom? This is our house, Strider. I can take you anywhere I fucking want.”

Holy shit, he is attractive as hell when he gets his flirt on. The smirk, the confidence, the want in his tone- he can melt you, just fucking turn you to jelly on the spot. 

“Oh. Yeah. Right.” You’re a little bit worse at the flirting. 

Lucky your boyfriend is suave as hell, flips himself around, tears off your pants, goes down on you till you’re seeing stars and moaning his name. He tells you to fuck him on the kitchen counter with your dildo, which you do, till the granite on the countertops is dripping red. You fuck again in the shower when you’re cleaning off, his bulge writhing inside you, and try for a fourth time in bed until you both admit that, holy shit, your bits are raw from hours of sex and maybe you should wait till morning. 

Yeah, yeah, having your own apartment is kind of the fucking best. 

 

You’ve always known Karkat was more motivated than you, but a whole summer and a good chunk of fall living in the same apartment as him has you feeling a little shitty about yourself. 

Or like, you would feel shitty about yourself if he weren’t the one having to drag his ass out of bed at seven in the morning while you get to sleep all day. 

“Dave, don’t make me go.” He’s got himself tangled up in you and the sheets, with the cat kneading his paws on top of the boyfriend pile. 

You grip your arms tighter around him, eyes still closed, “Kay, you’re sleeping in today.” 

“Ugh, no, fuck, it’s my last meeting with the editor.” He groans. 

“I know dude. You like, might be fucking published.” 

“I worked my ass off on that thesis. It fucking better get published.” 

You kiss in his general direction, too exhausted to actually move your head enough to make contact with his skin. 

He peels himself off you and says, “Maybe you’ll wake up before four today.” 

“I dunno dude, I’ve already got laundry on my list. Don’t know if I can do more than one responsible thing in a day.” You respond. 

“So fucking proud of you.” Sarcastic shit. 

You’re conked out again so fast you don’t hear him leave.

Your phone wakes you up hours later, alerting you that Karkat’s been texting you for awhile now. 

CG: I HAVE LIKE ZERO TIME  
CG: PRETENDING TO PISS WHILE I SEND YOU THIS  
CG: I HAVE A FEW OFFERS   
CG: HOLY SHIT  
CG: I’M GOING TO GET PUBLISHED  
CG: WAKE THE FUCK UP AND BUY SOME CHAMPAGNE

And then, later:

CG: OKAY I’M GOING TO BE HOME SO LATE  
CG: SHIT WITH MY EDITOR IS GOING TO TAKE ALL NIGHT  
CG: CHAMPAGNE TOMORROW THOUGH ASSHAT

You can’t stop fucking smiling. Karkat is straight up the coolest nerd you know. Fuck, he is successful. Getting his thesis published? As an actual fucking book? God damn, Karkat. 

You want to tell literally everyone. You can’t though, it’s Karkat’s news, but holy shit. Instead, you change your instagram profile pic to a photo you took of Karkat trying to wrestle your phone away from you. It doesn’t really take the edge off your excitement, but at least now you’ve converted all of you social media icons to be pictures of him. That’s been a project of yours for awhile now. Score, Dave. Karkat isn’t the only one making moves today. 

You were planning on browsing the internet for a few hours before rolling out of bed to feed a currently purring Mayor, but Dirk is calling you. You consider ignoring him, but fuck. Dirk never calls. You haven’t seen the dude in weeks, and he lives like half an hour away. Something must be up. You fucking pray to god it isn’t Caliborn. You cannot fucking handle another of his emotional benders, like after his breakup with Jake. 

“Yo, Dirk? What up.” You answer the phone. 

“Fuck. Shit. Shut up, shut up, he’s on the phone- NO CLOSE THE BLINDS fucking- chill Tavros okay? Fuck, Dave?” His words are dampened by a sea of voices behind him. 

“Uh, dude?” 

“So, okay, uh- PUT THEM DOWN holy shit Aradia- hey, could you, uh, I think we need a second opinion over here okay? I just, I know I’m the big plans guy, but I’ve been awake for, uh, awhile now, and, fuck, could you just, get over here?” He’s breathing heavy. 

Something really fucked up must be going down. Dirk has called you for help a total of zero times, including the day he literally set fire to Roxy’s lab, and Jake accidentally shot himself in the leg. 

“What the fuck did you do?” 

“Uhhhhh” 

“Oh, Jesus, I’ll get on the subway now.” 

“Maybe take a cab.” 

He hangs up. 

Yeah. Okay. He fucked up extra bad, and apparently dragged a bunch of your friends into it. You pull up the Uber app on your phone to request a car while you tug on some questionably clean pants- guess laundry isn’t getting done today, afterall. 

When you get to his apartment, Dirk checks the peephole six times to make sure it’s you on the other side of the door. 

You smell the blood before you see it. Your stomach lurches. God, oh shit, there is so much fucking blood. You’re kind of having trouble seeing and standing. Blood isn’t something you do well, not in this quantity. 

“Dirk, fuck, what the fuck, what the fuck….” You have no idea what to say to him. 

“No, shut up, Dave, it’s fine, it’s fine, no one’s dead, it’s all fine, okay?” He knows you don’t do blood well, has his hands on your shoulders. 

“Dave! Nice to see you!” Aradia pops her head around the corner. She’s… she’s fucking covered in blood. Drenched. Drenched in blood and grinning. 

You try taking a deep breath, which has you gagging, and take a look around. Tavros is there, too, sitting on the couch with Equius fiddling around with- oh, shit. With metal fucking legs. Are they serious? They- oh, Christ. 

“You cut off Tavros’ legs in your apartment and sewed in your janky ass robo legs.” It isn’t a question. You can see it’s what he’s done. Fucking ass. 

“Hey, they uh, they actually work pretty well!” Tavros calls over from his seat. 

“Where are his legs? What the fuck are you going to do with his legs?” You ask. Honestly, though, you aren’t fucking sure you want to know.

Getting a better look at him, Dirk looks pale. He’s bracing himself against the wall, hand shaking slightly. The trolls look fine, all of them. You guess this is nothing compared to the world they came from. But not Dirk. 

“I needed a fresh head for that one.” 

“They aren’t much for the planning?” You point at Aradia and Equius.

“Aradia is a little too illegal-surgery-happy for me to trust jack shit she says right now. And sweats-a-lot ain’t gonna help no one.” He leans back further into the wall. 

“You usually tie up all the loose ends before you get into shit like this.” You’re freaked out, too, but Dirk looks like he’s coming apart at the seams. You take a step closer to him and steady him with a hand. 

“Might’ve overestimated my tolerance of gore. Shouldn’t have watched her do it. Can’t really think straight right now.” Dirk rubs at his eyes. 

“Caliborn isn’t here?” You should find Caliborn. Caliborn can calm Dirk down. Or at least get him laughing so hard he won’t be thinking about the blood.

“He doesn’t get along with Equius. He’s over at Rose and Kanaya’s new place.” He says.

There’s a silence where you both shift awkwardly, pointedly looking away from each other, as the trolls chat in the other room as if nothing is even slightly fucked up right now. 

You’re trying to piece together a plan of action when Dirk gets his shit together enough to say, “We can clean up the blood and then deal with the legs.” 

“You got any bleach?” God, this conversation is actually happening. 

“Yeah.” 

“We gotta clean the trolls up. And you. You’re uh-“

“Covered in blood?”

“Yeah.” 

“Fuck.” 

You make Aradia get in the shower first, mostly because her cheerful demeanor is creeping you all the fuck out. The trolls all get fresh new clothes straight out of Dirk’s drawers. It’s weird as hell to see Aradia in pants, and Equius squeezing himself into Dirk’s tiny shirts, but it’s better than the blood. You bag up their soiled clothes while they clean themselves up, and start with bleach on the outskirts of the blood zone. 

You all fight over who has to touch the legs. Tavros gives it his best effort, but ends up vomiting when he gets too close to them. Dirk can’t even stand up straight when he looks at them, and Equius excuses himself , saying its more important he keeps working out some bugs in Tavros’ robo legs. You outright refuse on account of you weren’t responsible for this mess in the first place. Aradia puts them in a bag while the rest of you scrub the floors and walls and throw away sheets and curtains knives. 

“What the hell do we do with them?” Aradia asks, gesturing towards the bags. Everyone looks at you, like you were supposed to come up with a plan just because they called you over here when they realized they were in over their heads. 

You look at Dirk. 

“Okay, I was kind of just figuring, weight ‘em and take ‘em to the water? I know I usually think of this shit more, I just, wasn’t expecting it to be so much blood man…” Dirk apologizes. 

“The troll quarters.” You add on. They stare at you again. “Karkat’s social justice work has me hearing a lot about crime and death and shit that gets overlooked by human cops, okay? The troll quarters in East New York. I mean, we’ll have to go all the way to Brooklyn with this shit. But we toss it in a dumpster, set it on fire? No one’s gonna investigate or give two shits. Trolls get killed there every day. By cops, half the time.” 

You feel disgusting suggesting it, for using the awful way trolls are treated to your advantage. You’re not sure what else to do, though. You can’t just leave your bros in a bind like this. Ardia’d be kicked out of med school, and all of them would probably get arrested… You’ve got to take care of this, however you can. 

It’s awful, the whole process, having to fit all the blood soaked clothing and a pair of fucking legs- legs, fucking legs, god god god- into backpacks and tote bags. Trolls eye you the entire time you’re in their neighborhood. You and Dirk are humans, and Equius is a high blood, and they know you can’t be there for anything good. The fire smells like flesh. Flesh and garbage. You don’t think you’ll be able to scratch it out of your memory. 

It sticks to your clothes, all of it, the flesh, the ash, the stale scent of blood. 

It’s somehow worth it to see Tavros smile like you haven’t seen him do in years. He tells you on the subway after it’s all over that he already told Aradia, his roommate, to accept the offer she’s gotten to go to a much more prestigious med school in Connecticut. Now that he’s got his legs back, he thinks he can get a job to pay for their apartment on his own. 

Karkat is asleep on the sofa by the time you get back. Even passed out, he looks grumpy. 

“Hey, babe.” You kiss him lightly on the forehead, and head straight for the shower. You’re probably going to have to toss these clothes. Whatever. 

He stirs on the couch when the Mayor starts meowling, excited about your return. 

“The fuck have you been? You look like shit.” He pokes his head into the bathroom. 

“Dude. Long fucking story.” 

“You smell like…” He doesn’t even know. 

“Blood. Troll flesh. Fire.” 

“Dave?” 

“Can you take a shower with me?” You request. 

“Just, okay. Fuck, so, yeah, just, will you let me know if I have to give you an alibi? I’m sure it was self defense, but-“ 

“Oh my god, I didn’t kill someone. Nice to know you’re cool with dating a murder though.” You turn on the water and hop in, sitting on the floor. You’re not even gonna pretend you have the energy to stand. 

Karkat climbs in and sits in front of you, facing you, “Dave, what the fuck happened?” 

“Dirk and Aradia and Equius did a little fucking illegal surgery on Tavros. Gave him robo legs. He’s fine. He’s great. I had to dispose of the ones they chopped off.” You say, voice low. 

For a minute there’s just the sound of the shower, and then Karkat squirting out soap, and then his hand on your body. “That is so fucked up. Are you okay?” 

“I could live without seeing dismembered body parts again.” 

His hands press on you a little harder. 

“Tavros is so fucking happy.” You tell him. 

“I bet you five fucking dollars Vriska finds a way to mess this up.” He jokes. 

You laugh. It’s nice to laugh. “I give it a month.” 

“Pft, a week.” 

He starts massaging your hair with conditioner. 

“So you’re getting published?” You change the subject. 

“Hey, yeah, but if you to talk about-“

“No, please, distract me.” You scoot him forward onto your lap and bury your head in his neck. 

“So, yeah. I’m getting published.” 

You can hear him smiling. 

“You’re so fucking cool.” 

“Finally, I’m on your level.” So much sarcasm in his voice. Brat. 

You can’t sleep all night, the legs haunting your dreams, but it’s alright. Karkat stays up with you. 

 

You’ve mostly blocked the whole situation from your mind three weeks later. You make Karkat big spoon you when you sleep just in case, but the nightmares have largely died down. 

Karkat has been busy as hell, working out book deals. You miss having him around the house 24/7, but man is it hot how much media coverage he’s getting. It started on troll websites and social justice blogs, but more public media outlets have started calling. You’re like, hella proud. He’s kind of the shit. 

He, however, has just entered the world of negative internet comments. 

“Dave. Dave! Fucking LOOK at this shit. He get’s mad when I call him speciesist. He knows being speciesist is a bad thing, but he’s fucking doing it anyway. How do I even respond to this inane bullshit?” He’s so heated next to you, smashing at his keyboard. You’re more relaxed, lounging back in bed, fucking around with the Sims. 

“Dude, you don’t.” 

“DAVE. I can’t let this asshole think it’s acceptable to speak to trolls like this.” 

“I mean, dude, he’s prolly just trolling you.” 

“I will troll him the fuck back.” 

“Mhm. How?” 

“I will tell him exactly how he is wrong. In the form of a six fucking paragraph essay.” 

You laugh, “Dude, that’s not trolling. That’s playing into his troll. Just like, link him to troll bulge fifty six times or something. That’s how you troll.” 

“That’s disgusting.” 

“That’s trolling.” 

You’re interrupted by a vigorous pounding on your door. You both look at each other, frowning. 

“What time is it?” You ask.

“Too fucking late for anyone to show the fuck up on our doorstep. Grab a knife while I put on pants.” He instructs. 

“A knife?” 

“You never KNOW, Dave, it could be a murderer.” 

You roll your eyes, but grab one. 

He looks through the crack in the door before you do, “Vriska?” 

The door opens wider, and she barges in, eyes puffy. 

“What the fuck?” 

“I can’t do it, guys. You need to go deal with her. I can’t do it, and John is away, and she hasn’t eaten, and I found this in her room today.” Vriska brandishes a bag of powdery substance at you. It’s not a drug you’ve ever seen before, but the way Karkat gasps, you figure it’s a big deal on Alternia. 

“Did you just leave her at home?!” Karkat interrogates. 

“You don’t live with her. You don’t get how bad it’s been. I don’t just give up on shit- on HER. But this is too hard, it’s pathetic, it’s terrifying, and I need a fucking break.” She’s obviously holding back tears, yelling through gritted teeth. 

“Hey, Karks, I’ve got this. You go to Terezi. Okay?” 

He nods, and throws on the closest pair of shoes- your converse- and rushes out the door. 

 

You turn your attention to Vriska. 

“Hey. What do you need?” 

“A place to sleep.” 

“Forever?” 

“For the night.” 

It’s just a fight, then. She’ll go back to Terezi in the morning. 

“You crash in our bed. I’ll set myself up on the couch.” You tell her. 

“I’m taking a shower.” She says. Gotta love the way that Vriska makes herself at home. 

You take the time to send Karkat a text. 

TG: let me know whats up  
TG: i wanna make sure shes alright  
TG: and you

He doesn’t end up getting back to you till morning. 

\-------------------------------------------------

The door to Vriska’s apartment is still unlocked from when she stormed out earlier. It makes barging in a hell of a lot easier, which is good, because you’re blood is boiling way too hot to wait for a fucking invitation. 

“Terezi.” 

You don’t even know what tone of voice you’re using. Angry? Disappointed? Crushed? Probably all of that shit, mixed into this half-whisper that’s got her looking up at you like you’re here to kill her. 

She’s just this tiny ball on the floor, shrunk up underneath a giant sweater. You don’t get why she’s crying on the floor when her bed’s right there. Except that you’ve been batshit depressed too, so you do get it, you get not being able to make it all the way into bed, collapsing on the floor, feeling like you fucking deserve to be there. 

You don’t think Terezi deserves to be there, but you’re almost positive she wouldn’t believe you if you told her. 

Instead, you get on her level. It’s going completely against your fucking instincts not to just straight up tell her what a mess she is, but that isn’t going to do jack shit for her. You try to wrap an arm around her, but she cringes and scoots herself away. 

“Don’t touch me, don’t touch me, I can’t Karkat, I can’t, don’t touch me.” Her hands are shaking wrapped around her shins, like it’s too much for her to even be touching herself. 

“Okay. I won’t. Terezi I won’t, jesus, look at me, okay?” 

Her arms are riddled in scratches, like she’s been trying to crawl out of her own skin. 

You hate that you know how she feels. You hate that seven, eight years ago, the situation was completely fucking reversed, with her and Gamzee trying to talk you down. You hate that she has to feel this, now. She doesn’t deserve this. She’s beautiful, and smart, and hilarious, and perfect. She is fucking perfect and fuck, fuck, you wish you could feel this all for her, so she wouldn’t have to. 

“She hates me.” Terezi finally chokes out. 

“Nobody hates you, jackass.” 

“You haven’t been here, Karkat. I’m awful. I’m pathetic. I would hate me, too. And she’s… You know her. You know how she is. She doesn’t put up with this pathetic bullshit. She thinks I’m trash.” You can barely hear her whisper. 

“She’s just worried about you.” 

“She’s tired of seeing me like this.” 

“Yeah. No shit. We all are.” 

She wasn’t expecting for you to say that. Maybe it was too harsh. Her claws dig so hard into her calves that teals starts dripping down to her ankles. 

This time when you reach out for her, she allows you to remove her nails from her flesh and wipe at the blood until it begins to clot. 

“We’ve got two fucking options here Terezi. I’m going to sit here and talk to you about what the fuck has been going on in your head the past few years. You can either continue this denial bullshit, or actually tell me what’s going on.” You say. 

She pauses. 

“I’ll talk to you. But I’m not going anywhere for help. I don’t need help. I’m not going back there Karkat, okay? I’m not addicted to shit, it’s not like it was back then, and I’m not GOING.” She seems panicked. 

“No one wants to make you go to rehab, Terezi. We just want you to eat, and to get something that will actually help with the panic attacks, and to stop crying all the time.” You dare a hand on her knee. She allows it. 

“I’m losing my hair. Because of the… I’m losing my hair.” She tells you. 

“If it makes you feel any better, you had too fucking much of it to begin with.” You nudge her a little, trying to get her to smile. It’s fake, but she does. 

“I passed out the other day. Trying to walk to the store.” 

She’s never talked to you about the actual problems she’s been having as a result of her slew of mental disorders before. It’s just been vague crying. Maybe this is improvement, or something. You stay silent, let her continue. 

“And my heart is fucked up. Not just from the anxiety. It makes the anxiety worse. And my entire digestive system. And my hands, my fucking hands Karkat. I’ve got these gross burns. I know I always smell like vomit.” 

She looks like maybe she wants to say more, but isn’t quite sure what to say. 

“What about outpatient therapy, TZ?” You use Dave’s nickname for her, because you know she likes it. 

“No. You don’t get it. I feel like shit, I know I look like shit, I know I’m a mess. But they’re just going to tell me to eat more.” She shifts her knee out from under your grip. 

“No shit.” 

“I’m not going to eat more.” 

“Fucking are you kidding me right now, Terezi?” 

“It’s just the anxiety, Kar. I just need the anxiety under control.” She insists. 

“The Xanax hasn’t been working.” You tell her. 

“The guy wants to put me on antidepressants, so I stopped seeing him.” She admits. 

“What? WHY? Terezi, you need to talk to someone.” You say. 

“Antidepressants make you fat. I think I’ve got that covered on my own.” She’s back to pressing her nails into her skin. 

“You can’t do nothing.” 

“Why not?”

“You’re killing yourself.” 

She looks at you with this big yellow eyes that just read, “So?” 

You lose it. You lose your fucking cool. You’re the one crying now, openly, into your knees, knowing that you’re being such a selfish fucking douchebag. You can’t lose her though. She’s supposed to grow up. Become a big shot lawyer, help trolls find justice, work along side you. She’s supposed to fall in love in a quadrant or two or four, not in the destructive way she’s been doing, but in the way she did when you two were kids and in love and made each other smile all the time. 

She’s still just looking at you. Her eyes are too yellow, too young. The teal is barely pouring into her irises. God, god, she can’t just give up and die before she’s even become a fucking adult. 

“I made Vriska cry today too. I don’t know why the fuck you guys keep taking care of me. You’d all be better off if I’d just stayed with Gamzee.” She means it, god, she means it. 

You’ve never come so close to hitting her before. 

You know you can’t do that. 

You grab her by the shoulders instead.

“No. No. No. Listen, fucking, LISTEN to me. Do you remember me talking like this? In high school? The shit I used to say, and do to myself, and- fucking- do you remember that?” You ask her, forcing her to look you in the eye. 

“That was different, Karkat.” 

“How? Fucking how? It sure does involve a lot of the same fucking people, and same fucking feelings.” 

“It was YOU. We all knew you were getting out of there. Do you not get how talented you are? It was always you and Vriska. Gamzee and I, we were just, we were just fucking sitting there, knowing we were going to get left behind. I know you were depressed Karkat, but it was different, it was different because you’re better than me, you always fucking have been. Why the fuck do you think I let you leave me? Made you leave me?” She pushes you off her. 

“That’s bullshit, Terezi. We broke up because we weren’t in love.” 

“You were in love with someone better.” 

“Wh- Dave? Jesus Christ, YOU were the one actually fucking someone else. This isn’t the fucking point, Terezi.” Really, it isn’t. You didn’t even realize your past relationship was something she still thought about. 

“I don’t deserve your help.” 

“I’m gonna have to disagree with you there, Pyrope. And fucking honestly? Honestly? Even if you didn’t deserve it, you are getting it. I am here. Dave is here. And John, and Vriska. All of us.” You’re trying to choke down your sobs. 

“I can’t get him out of my head.” She tells you. 

Fuck. 

“In which quadrant?”

“Depends on how I’m feeling about myself.” 

Fuck. 

She continues, “And I think Vriska is waiting till I can love her red. And getting tired of how long I’m taking.” 

“Well, no shit, that’s been going on for a decade now, Terezi.” You can’t help but laugh. 

“Shit would be easier if it were just the romantic stuff I had to deal with.” She says. 

“Or just the other stuff.” 

“I know Vriska and John wanted me to move out of Dave’s because of my past with the both of you. But sometimes I feel like you guys are the only ones I can be around without falling into some stupid romantic bullshit.” She smiles. 

“We’re just that fucking repulsive?” You grin. 

She sticks her tongue out, “You have no fucking idea how bad the two of you taste.” 

“Oh my god, you’ve licked us while we’re sleeping.” 

“You’re both just so candy red, how could I resist?” 

She’s giggling. Actual laughter from Terezi’s face hole. You swear you haven’t heard that in years. 

And then its just the two of you talking and being little shits to each other, fucking around on the internet and MSPaint. You go through her old high school yearbooks, and try to stop her from getting too good of a wiff of your stupid gangly body trying to look cool on the basketball team in eighth grade. She tells you she could still see back then, and has a damn good memory of what a dweeb you were. 

When you order pizza, she eats some of your side salad. 

You know it isn’t her being fixed. You know she isn’t better. But you just had fun with Terezi and watched her put something in her fucking mouth, that she absolutely did not vomit up later. She isn’t better, but it seems like a start. Or a good day in a sea of bad ones. 

It’s her not wanting to die for at least five fucking hours. 

That’s the most she’s had in months, and you’ll fucking take it. 

She falls asleep around dawn. You cannot imagine closing your eyes after the rollercoaster night you’ve had. Hopefully Dave is at home feeling the same way. 

TG: let me know whats up  
TG: i wanna make sure shes alright  
TG: and you

He sent them hours ago. 

CG: ARE YOU UP  
TG: yeah couldnt sleep vriska stole the bed  
CG: YOU DIDN’T LET HER TOUCH THE MAYOR RIGHT.  
TG: haha no way absolutely not   
TG: howre you  
TG: hows she  
CG: I THINK THAT MAYBE WE HAD FUN.  
TG: i cant even begin to understand what the fuck that means  
CG: WE JUST TALKED.  
CG: LIKE NORMAL TROLLS.  
CG: AFTER THE CRYING AND THE YELLING.  
CG: SHE ATE SIX BITES OF A SALAD.  
TG: she still needs help bro  
CG: NO I KNOW OKAY.  
CG: I’M NOT A FUCKING IDIOT, DAVE.   
CG: BUT I THINK SHE MIGHT BE COMING AROUND TO REALIZING THAT SHE’S WORTH GETTING HELP.  
TG: vriska wants to chat with her  
TG: apologize and stuff  
TG: or something   
CG: I’LL BRING HER OVER WHEN SHE WAKES UP.  
CG: SHE COULD USE TO GET OUT OF THE HOUSE.  
TG: sounds peachy  
TG: you should go the fuck to sleep too  
TG: get your beauty rest  
TG: dont get too snuggly over there though  
TG: gotta remember big daddy strider waiting for you at home  
CG: I THOUGHT WE AGREED THAT THE DADDY KINK WAS NOT WORKING.  
TG: that was months ago man  
TG: weve grown so much since then  
TG: thought we should give it another shot  
CG: GOOD NIGHT   
CG: DADDY  
TG: …  
CG: HA I KNEW THAT’D HAVE YOU CUMMING IN YOUR PANTS  
CG: DORK  
TG: im taking a screen shot and hanging it above our bed  
CG: AS LONG AS YOU ADD A LITTLE ASTERISK EXPLAINING THAT YOU’RE ACTUALLY MY BOTTOM BITCH.  
CG: DAVE?  
CG: NO SMART ASS RETORT?   
CG: OH MY GOD YOU’RE TOUCHING YOURSELF.  
CG: VRISKA IS IN THE NEXT ROOM YOU EXOBITIONIST PERVERT.   
CG: YOU PROBABLY TOOK THAT AS A COMPLIMENT.  
CG: GOD, GOODNIGHT.   
TG: ;)   
TG: that was an ironic wink  
TG: just to be clear

When you and Terezi get to your apartment around noon the next day, Dave has prepared tea and croissants. Or more likely bought them from the bakery around the block, but whatever. 

You and Dave busy yourselves in the kitchen while Terezi and Vriska have a little chat on the couch. 

“Is that all going to go alright out there?” You ask Dave. You have no fucking clue what’s on Vriska’s mind right now. 

“Yeah man, she just got frustrated. She isn’t exactly used to sticking around when shit gets too hard. But she wants to. Terezi’s different for her, you know?” Dave replies. 

“I think Terezi is stressed out about how hard Vriska is in love with her.” You tell him. 

His face drops, “Yeah, no, I see how that’d be hard.” 

“Dave?” 

You don’t have time to finish your conversation. There’s a knock on the door. 

“Uh, y’all expecting someone?” Dave calls in to the girls. 

“This is your house, Strider, keep the visitors under control.” Vriska shouts back. So that’s a no. 

“Man, people keep fuckin droppin in on us like we’re some sweet succulent fly trap god damn…” Dave keeps ranting behind you as you go to open the door. 

“Hey, Karbro. Long time no see.” 

“Gamzee?” You whisper. 

The whole apartment goes silent. 

And then footsteps from behind you with a soft, “Gamzee?” 

“Terezi, chick, shit. I didn’t know you’d be here. I- Karkat, I’m sorry, man, fuck, motherfuck.” 

Vriska makes the first move, of course she does. 

“You stay the HELL away from her, juggalo piece of shit. Terezi, bedroom, now. Get him out of here, Strider.” She’s almost shrieking, tugging a frozen Terezi behind her. 

Dave acts next. 

“Karks, you gotta go dismantle that situation. Karkat, yo, Karks? Go make Vriska chill the fuck out, okay man? I’ve got this, alright?” He tells you, hands on your shoulders. 

“Yeah. Fuck, yeah, okay. Gamzee, I-“ 

“We’ll talk later. I’m sorry, brother, I didn’t know she’d be here, I swear man, I just didn’t have no where else to up and haul myself off to.” He apologizes. 

You stalk off to your bedroom while Dave escorts Gamzee to the balcony. 

“Vriska, you need to shut the fuck up.” That’s basically what you’re planning on saying, but Terezi’s in here already getting the words out. 

Good. 

“Terezi, I don’t think-“

“No, no, I get it, okay? I can’t be around him, I KNOW.” 

“Terezi…” You take a seat next to her. 

“He looked so good. He looked clean.” Terezi comments. 

“Yeah. He did.” Vriska is forced to agree. 

“I have to get my shit together.” She says, laughing. 

You and Vriska exchange a shocked look. 

“I have to get out of here.” Terezi continues. 

“I can take you home.” Vriska offers. 

“I need you to help me look up therapists.” She says. 

Wow. 

“Terezi?” 

“Seeing your douchebag drug lord ex kismesis doing better than you are makes you reconsider some shit, alright?” She snaps. 

You don’t press the matter. You let Vriska take her home, and pray to god a few years of therapy will have her eating again. Pray to god she lasts that long. Pray to god that her sudden “realization” isn’t some straight up bullshit that’s going to have her flying further off the edge. 

But Gamzee’s here now. 

One trainwreck at a fucking time, Vantas. Deal with the troll right in front of you. 

You head out to the balcony to meet Gamzee and your boyfriend, who are chatting like they’re the best fucking chums in the world. 

“Did you ditch rehab?” You don’t mean for it to be the first thing you say, but you’re tired and stressed out and he might have just completely fucked all the progress you made with Terezi. 

“Karkat, what the fuck?” You’re so rude you’ve got Dave calling you out on your shit. 

“Nah, it’s okay brother. I made it through all my steps, got me some chips to show off, haven’t touched nothing since I saw you back at my hive.” Gamzee gives you an honest to god genuine sober smile. 

“Fucking good, I’d have cut you open on the porch if you showed your face here stoned.” You threaten. 

“Gamzee needs a place to crash, dude. He doesn’t have anywhere else clean to be.” Dave tells you. 

“How’d you find me?” Really, you aren’t trying to be a complete ass. Just, you haven’t completely worked through all this shit. 

“I gave him my info, dude, chill. I wasn’t going to just ditch the kid at rehab. When we moved I mailed him our new address. Seriously, Karks, sit the fuck down you’re flipping your shit.” Dave runs a finger down your arm. 

Flipping your shit? Flipping your god damn shit? You’ll show him who’s flipping his goddamn shit, right off the side of the bal- 

Oh. Okay. So maybe he’s making a solid point. 

“You can’t stay here.” 

You promise that is more calm than the shit you were planning on saying. 

“I understand, Kar, I should be able to-“

“NO. Shut up you incompetent juggalo. I’m not done. Terezi is here way too often for you to live with us. But our buddy Tavros’ roommate just moved out.” You finish. 

“Oh shit, Aradia did just head off to start her semester. Shit, yeah, I can call him up, he’s been looking for someone to share rent with.” Dave agrees. 

“Tavros? Hm. Is that the kid you all up and lived with freshman year?” 

“Yeah.” 

“I’m not trying to motherfucking impose.” 

Dave shows him his phone, “Nah dude, chill, he’s already texted me back, see? Kid is desperate for a roommate.”

“You’re staying here for the night, though. We’ve got to lay down some ground rules. About Terezi.” You announce. 

You can feel Dave side-eye you. 

“She’s doesn’t look so good, Karbro.” Gamzee comments. 

“No shit.” 

“Didn’t mean to drag her into my shit. Thought she’d be doing better now that she’s been away from me for so long. Didn’t want to motherfucking poison her like this.” Gamzee looks honestly remorseful. 

“That’s why you’re staying the fuck away from her until she gets her shit together. Fucking got it?” You tell him. 

“Wasn’t planning on fucking her shit up anymore.” 

You don’t know if you believe him, but the only other option is dumping him on his ass on the street. You might still fucking hate the guy, you might never be able to forgive him, but you couldn’t do that. No one deserves that. Not even Gamzee Makara. 

 

You wish you’d gotten more rest on your few days off, rather than running the fuck all over town taking care of your disaster of a friend group. Now it’s back to book signings and field research and meetings with experts in the field you’re trying to push yourself into. 

You can’t pretend you don’t like your work. If you could just get a little more traction, you could be the fucking voice that trolls are looking for on Earth. A leader, a savior, someone to pull them out of their hell. Most of the time, it feels like the only work worth doing. 

It’s exhausting, though, seeing the injustice first hand every god damn day. 

It’s a godsend you’ve got Dave to come home to. 

On this particular evening, your oh-so-ambitious boyfriend is sitting on the sofa where you left him this morning, eating instant ramen and watching Food Network Star. 

“Didn’t you finish all the seasons last week?” You ask him, plopping down next to him and grabbing for his fork. 

“Bro, chill, there’s more ramen for you on the stove. And yeah, but Netflix added a new season, alright? Come on, watch this shit with me, this dude is about to have his shit wrecked by the eighteen year old contestant. She’s on fucking fire, I hope she wins dude.” He tells you. 

“You didn’t watch Masterchef Kids without me, right?” You ask, 

“Oh hell no, that’s just sittin in our DVR, waiting for you babe.” 

“Holy shit, is he planning on serving that? To Bobby fucking Flay? It’s RAW in the middle, dickweed! He’s not even selling it well, holy shit.” You get kind of wrapped up in Food Network shows. 

“See babe, fucking told you.” 

You vaguely wonder if Dave is as happy as you are in your new lives. 

You very actively wonder how the hell you manage to keep falling further in love with him every goddamn day. 

Stupid bulgemunch, making you have feelings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> everyone is kind of a fucking mess, except for karkat, somehow. 
> 
> we're eight chapters out guys! i know i've been taking longer to update but that just seems to be the way things are. ive got the rest of the fic mapped out so no worries about me abandoning or anything, i just am working a bunch so expect like 7-10 days between chapters ^.^


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this sure is a short chapter

You’ve roped Karkat into watching a third movie with you before bed. He doesn’t have a meeting till noon tomorrow, so you figure he can afford to fall asleep a little late. It’s almost April and you’ve still got your busy schedule of doing absolutely fucking nothing besides working on your music, so bedtime isn’t really something that concerns you anymore. 

“Mmph, we have any chocolate to throw in the popcorn?” Karkat asks you. 

You’re both sprawled out on the sofa, him underneath you, your head on his chest. 

“Oh yeah, we’ve got a couple options, I was all over the chocolate game when I went shopping this week. Reeses? Buncha Crunch? Chocolate chips?” You start listing candy. 

“Mmm I don’t know. Fuck. Bring ‘em all over.” He requests. 

You slide yourself off of him, and the Mayor immediately hops up to take your place on his abdomen. Seat-stealing ball of adorable fluff. 

It’s dark in the house, and you’ve got to walk all the way across the kitchen to flip on the stove light. Your eyes are too tired to handle the stress of the full on overhead lamp right now. 

Your foot brushes one of the Mayor’s toys on your way across the floor, and then the light is on and oh god oh fuck oh fuck that is not a toy mayday mother fucking mayday holy shit.

“Karkat. Karkat. Karkat. Karkat.” 

“WHAT?” 

“Uh. Karkat. Karkat. K-fuck. Hey, uh, hey Karkat maybe just, come here. Karks.” You’re like, pretty impressed with your monotone in this dire situation. Or you would be if you weren’t freaking the fuck out. 

Karkat stalks in, looking annoyed, “You can’t get chocolate by yourself? Why the fuck are you up on the counter?” 

You point at the intruder on the floor. 

“Dude. Cockroach, bro. It’s a uh, ha, there’s a, fuck. It’s a cockroach.” 

Karkat fucking grins when he sees it. 

“Oh, man, it’s so cute!” That is not something Karkat says. Karkat doesn’t sound excited when he talks. Oh jesus, this has to be a nightmare. 

“Duude.” Yeah ok, you’re still flipping your shit. 

“What, are you afraid of him? Come on, he’s so tiny. And check out those antennae.” He holds up two fingers in front of his forehead for emphasis. 

“Karkat it’s MOVING.” The terror is starting to seep into your voice. 

“Oh, god, I’ll take it outside. Don’t be such a grub about it.” He bends down to it, reaching out his hand while emitting some god damn friendly bug noise from his chest holy god in heaven no no no no no no this isn’t happening. 

“Karkat no no no no no no” You’re trying to say other words but they don’t seem to be coming out. You do not fucking like bugs. 

He stops mid-reach, fucking cockroach wiggling its antennae in his direction, “I thought you wanted it gone. The fuck is wrong now?” 

“You can’t touch it.” 

“What.” 

“We would have to break up.” 

“Oh my god.” 

“Dude please don’t touch it fuck fuck Karkat it’s RUNNING AGAIN Karkat KILL IT.” Have you mentioned how fucking cool you are?

“I seriously have to kill it? Oh god, watch it while I get a book.” He walks into the other room. 

“Don’t leave me with it maaan. Hey. Hey fucking cockroach. I see you, you little shit. Don’t you fucking move.” 

Karkat comes back in with a giant ass telephone book and looks the little guy right in the face when he says, “Sorry my boyfriend’s a coward, buddy,” And squishes the hell out of it. 

“Better?” He asks you. 

“You’re gonna throw that book out and clean up the guts, right?” 

He snorts, and leans in for a kiss. You shrink back. 

“Seriously?” Now he’s actually annoyed. 

“Just like, you got so close to it man. Let’s just take a shower before we get all close and personal.” You tell him. 

“Fucking, god, get in and I’ll join you after I clean this shit up.” 

You scuttle to the opposite end of the counter, the one closest to the bathroom and furthest from the bug corpse, strip your fucking clothes, and hop in the shower to try to tame the crawling sensation on your skin. 

He comes in behind you a few minutes later, making a big show of washing his hands before slithering his arms around your waist, cheek pressed against your shoulder blade. 

He’s making those clicky bug noises in his chest again. You know it’s something that happens involuntarily when he’s happy, but you can just fucking tell he’s doing it to freak you out right now. Jackass. 

“Dude.”

“Something bothering you, Dave?” You feel his lips creep up into a smirk against your back. 

“You’re the worst.” 

“I killed a bug for you. You love me.” 

“Bro, if we have babies, are they like, gonna look all buggy?” You ask. He stiffens behind you, and then starts cracking the fuck up. 

“How the fuck are we supposed to have babies, Dave? Does your nook secretly contain a fucking mother grub? Has our genetic material suddenly become biologically compatible?” 

“I meant adoption, fuck face. All these baby trolls fuckin livin on their own on Earth and Alternia, one of them’s got to have a better life with us.” You say. He stops laughing.

“That’s awfully fucking domestic of you, Strider.” You feel his lips on your skin as he talks. 

“Fuck, I know. I’m sorry man, so uncool of me. Fucking lame. Talking about babies and shit.” You’re kind of embarrassed. It’s not like you’ve thought about this a lot. Just, the way he was talking to that tiny bug got you wondering about some shit. Fuck. 

“If we ever take a grub on, I’ll take care of it until it stops wriggling. You sappy piece of shit.” He tells you. 

“Nah, I want it to like me bro. I’ll touch it. Probably.” 

“You’re a dork.” 

“I’m so cool.” 

He grabs for your clit and fucks you nice and aggressive in the shower, so you can both pretend you didn’t just have the most bullshit cliché relationship conversation about your shitty nuclear family future. You know, the one that you’re pretty sure neither fucking one of you even morally agrees with. God fucking damn it. 

 

Your good days are when Karkat is home. Your bad days are all the other days. 

They aren’t particularly bad. You’re not crying in the shower, out of your fucking mind flipping your shit. You’re just bored. And exhausted. All the fucking time. Too exhausted to actually go out and do something about the boredom. 

You’ve only just pulled yourself out of a nap. It’s almost seven, and Karkat will be home soon, and fuck does he give you a look that makes you want to rip out your own guts when he finds you still sleeping after his long day at work. It’s not that he’s annoyed with you. Okay, so, yeah he is. But that’s not the look he gives. It’s more of a “what the fuck is going on with you?” look. You don’t know how to answer him when he looks at you like that. So, yeah. Best to just be the fuck awake, watching your latest teen drama obsession- Dance Academy- eating ice cream by the pint. 

Your phone is buzzing. God you hope it’s just Karkat. 

EB: Hey Dave! It’s Thursday night! You coming out with Sollux and Eridan and I? I think Rose might tag along too, with Kanaya!  
TG: hey bro  
TG: kk gets home late tonight so prolly not  
EB: He said he might be down to come out!  
EB: You’ve ditched me the past two weeks come on dude I miss you  
TG: ive been tired as hell   
TG: maybe im comin down with the flu or some shit  
EB: Oh fuck  
EB: Do you need anything from the store?  
TG: nah i got mad aj here already  
EB: Haha you’re such a loser Dave  
TG: dude are you kidding  
TG: have you seen me  
EB: Ok well I’m going out. Let me know if you need anything. Especially if Karkat gets sick too! 

Okay, so you’re lying about being sick. You miss John too. Haven’t seen him in a few weeks. But fuck, you do not want to get off this sofa, and you know he’ll want you to if you agree to hang out. Fuck that noise. 

Karkat comes home a few minutes later, looking even more beat than you feel. 

“Ice cream for breakfast again?” He asks you. 

“Dude, it’s night time.” You say. 

“We both know this is the first thing you’ve eaten all day. Whatever, I brought pasta. I’ll cook some.” He tells you, dumping some bags on the table. 

You feel… sad. You double check your shades are in place, just in case. 

“Hey, come here.” You tell him. He keeps filling up his pot with water. You step over behind him, and grab him around the waist. 

“What are you…?” He lets the question trail off when he feels how aggressively you’re holding on to him.

“Sorry.” You mumble into him. 

“You feel like shit because your blood sugar is low, grub muncher.” He tries to put a little bite behind his words, but you’re pretty sure he mostly feels sorry for you. 

“’m fine.” 

“Like fuck you are. Go sit down before you pass out, idiot. I’ll be there in ten minutes.” 

You stay clung to him. 

“You actually expect me to cook with your sweaty hands wrapped around me?” 

“Mmmnnn” 

He sighs and leans back into you, let’s you trail behind him while he makes you shitty mac and cheese. You both eat it in bed, and you groan when he has to stand up to feed the Mayor and scoop the litter box. Those are all things you should have done today, but, shit, you didn’t get around to it. Too much sleeping. And you sure as shit can’t imagine getting out of bed now. 

“So I’ve got the next three days off, unless something comes up. Gamzee and Tavros invited me over Saturday, and I think Sollux is planning on going into Manhattan for drinks tomorrow. You game?” Karkat asks you, pulling on his pjs (your boxers). 

“I dunno. I told John tonight I’ve been tired as fuck. I’d rather just stay home.” You tell him. 

“We haven’t been out in awhile.” 

“Oh dude, you go out. It’s all good. Maybe I’ll hang with you and Gamzee Saturday, I’m just not feeling like getting wasted right now.” You say. 

“Fuck, I’ll invite someone else tomorrow, I’m not about to third wheel Sollux and Eridan.” He muses. 

“They aren’t even that bad.” 

“We’ve heard them fucking, Dave. How am I supposed to keep a straight face when I know damn well Eridan likes being twisted up by psiionics and done like a pretty little fish princess?” He asks you.

“Like they’ve never heard us before.” You roll your eyes. 

“YOU, Strider. They’ve heard you. I know how to keep my fucking mouth shut.” 

“Not when you’re telling me what you’re gonna do to me.” You try for a wink, but your heart isn’t in it. 

Karkat takes it as flirting and starts planting kisses on your thigh. He backs off real fast when you aren’t as enthusiastic about his love bites as he’s used to. 

“Are you okay?” He asks, eyes wide. 

Loaded question, Karkat. Shit. 

“Just tired, bro.” Really, you are. 

He feels for your forehead, which is dumb, because he always runs about ten degrees hotter than you anyway. He’s shit at checking your temperature. 

“You should go to the doctor. You’ve been tired all the fucking time recently.” He instructs. 

“Maybe.” 

There’s an awkward pause. 

“What the fuck has been going on with you Dave?” 

You don’t want to answer him. You don’t know how to answer him. Nothing is going on with you, literally, which is probably the problem, but you also cannot fucking imagine doing one more goddamn thing. Waking up and eating three meals is hard enough. 

So you tackle him into a cuddle, and you both pretend like you aren’t crying while you cling to his chest and he plants kisses in your hair. 

 

Karkat still bugs you about going out with him the next night, even after a full day of nothing but watching Netflix in bed with you on and off bursting into the most embarrassing goddamn tears of your life. 

“Dude, what are you doing?” 

He’s sprawled across your legs, tongue poking out, sharpie in his hand. 

“Drawing. Is that not completely obvious?” He brings the marker down to meet your skin. It tickles like hell. 

“Ha, Kar, ha ha, fuck it tickles, knock it off- oh my god are those dicks?” Yup, your alien boyfriend is covering your thigh in human dicks. 

“Shh, stop moving, you’re interrupting my creative process.” He tells you. 

“Dude make that one bigger. Karkat, bigger. Come on, that’s one tiny dick, if I’m gonna have a dick on my leg- oh fuck no dude not the face, no, no, haha, Karkat, fuck not the face!” 

He does not manage to draw any dicks on your face. Thanks god for his nubby arms. 

“I prolly have ink poisoning, bro.” You tell him, admiring his work. 

“Mm, come wash it off in the shower.” He suggests, standing up. 

“Noo, I’m staying in bed.” You feel like you’re making in clear that you want him to stay there with you. 

“I’ve got to get ready to go out with everyone. I’m already going to be late.” He says. 

“Oh, right.” You’d forgotten he was going out tonight. 

“Come with me dude. It’ll be fun. You and Sollux fucking love giving me shit, just come out with us.” He offers. 

You’re getting sad again. 

“I don’t think I can.” 

He senses your tone, and climbs back into bed behind you. 

“I can stay if you need me to, Dave.” God he’s the best. 

“No, seriously, go out. You’ve been so fucking busy with work, Kar. Go out.” You try not to look at him when you say this. 

“You sure?” 

“Yeah.” 

You aren’t sure why it feels so raw when he actually leaves. This is some bullshit emotion that you are not used to feeling. You intend on burying that shit way deep down, with Netflix and Sims and shitty leftovers that Karkat definitely heated up for you before he left, knowing you’d be way too exhausted to deal with it on your own. 

That plan is not going so hot for you. 

You kind of can’t stop thinking about Karkat. 

You love him, like, a lot. Like, fuck, fuck, holy shit, it’s kind of terrifying how much you love him. Thinking of him and the way he looks at you and how he feels entwined with you and the way he smells and the feel of his ribs when he’s breathing, it’s all too much, too fucking much. 

You want to peel open your chest and let him live there. 

You want to cry and rip out your soul and feed it to him. 

God, what is happening to you? You’ve always loved him, Dave, always, this whole damn time you’ve been so fucking in love with Karkat Vantas. Why is it tearing you apart so much right now? 

You know it isn’t him. It’s you, it’s your fault, it’s this isolation you’ve imposed on yourself, living all alone and not doing jack shit ever with anyone, because it’s too damn hard. Everything is too damn hard. 

Even this feeling in your chest, this boiling pit of Karkat, fuck, fuck it’s a lot of work right now. Just loving him seems hard. 

You’ve got to pull yourself together and stop with the crying. 

Okay, okay. Real talk here, Strider, let’s pull it in for a fucking huddle, get all kinds of serious with our game plan. You’re uh, you’re a little depressed here. Just, yup. It’s time to face the facts and just admit what Karkat’s been trying to hint at you for the past nine months. You don’t go outside or talk to people or get any work done. You’ve gained like, ten pounds, and you’ve pretty much stopped sleeping, except on the days where all you do is sleep. You also kind of feel like dying, but not in the serious way, just in the ‘shit this is too much ha oh fuck you wish you were dead’ kind of way. 

You know you’ve got to do something about this. You’ve seen mental illness wreak fucking havoc on Roxy, and Terezi, and shit if you don’t know how awful things were for Karkat in high school. You’re like, pretty damn sure you’ve already let this shit get too far. But you have no idea what to do. 

So you just kind of sit there, crying, trying to find songs that don’t completely bore the shit out of you, or focus on a show, or a book, or anything, fucking anything, until Karkat gets home. It ends with a lot of frustration and mostly just laying in bed feeling sorry for yourself. You’re sure you’ve felt like this for months now, but the realization sure is a shit show. 

Your beautiful wonderful mother fucking perfect boyfriend, on the other hand, is responsible as hell, and doesn’t get in a minute past two in the morning, just like he promised. You’re still awake, writing terrible raps on your laptop. 

“Daave, babe, wait, look at these photos, I tried- hic- to send em, to you? Phones are hard?” He’s drunk off his butt. Also his phone is dead, and he’s showing you a blank fucking screen right now, which has you laughing in spite of yourself. 

“Dude you’re hammered. Did you have a good night?” Something about pulling him into your lap and helping him undress eases the pain on your chest, just a little bit. 

“Eridan was so drunk. He rode a bull. Okayy, okay, FINE, Dave, I rode one too, holy shit, I am GOOD? See the pictures?” He brandishes his dead phone at you one more time. All those feelings about being heart achingly in love with him come flooding back to you, but with a little less of the wanting to die bite, now that he’s actually in front of you being adorable. 

“You know your phone is dead, right bro?” You tell him, trying to hide your smile. 

His eyes go all wide and he starts groaning, “I fucking told you they were hard. Who makes a phone that just? Dies? Dave? I’m so fucking serious right now why would they do that?” 

“You smell like a bar.” You tease him. 

“Better clean me up then.” He’s zero to flirty in half a second. 

“Stri-daddy is a little tired for that shit right now, but I’ll brush your teeth for you.” You say, rubbing a finger across one of his fangs. 

His face drops. 

“I’m worried you don’t like me anymore.” That is not something sober Karkat would be admitting. Fuck. 

“Dude, uh, what? Is this just a drunk thing bro?” You ask him. 

“We haven’t had sex in three weeks.” He tells you. 

Yeah. You’d been counting too. This is totally, completely, your fault. 

“Nah, dude, it’s not about you, okay?” You try your hardest to brush it off real easy. 

“How is it not?” He’s actually pretty upset, shit. 

“Dude, I think I’m depressed.” You blurt it out before you have time to second guess yourself, or get all bullshit weepy again. 

He doesn’t react as dramatically as you anticipated, just a real quiet, “I know.” 

“I’m sorry.” 

“Don’t be fucking sorry. That’s ridiculous.” He snaps at you. 

“I love you.” 

“I love YOU.” 

You kiss him, just kiss him, ignoring that he tastes like stale beer and tequila and Papaya Dog cheese fries. It is desperate and sad and not at all sexual, and he knows. He kisses you back like he needs this, too, needs your lips to keep him grounded, and you don’t know if this is good or healthy but you do know that you feel like completely fucking shit and that Karkat is pretty much the only thing that can make you smile anymore. 

You tell him that, and he frowns. 

“You’ve got to get out of the house, Dave.” 

Yeah, you know. You just don’t know if you’re going to. But he’s drunk, so you don’t tell him that. You just kiss him again, and let him pull you into an embrace that he doesn’t let you out of even after he’s fallen asleep. 

Fucking Christ being an adult is harder than you anticipated. 

\----------------------------------------------------------

You feel guilty every time you leave the house. Which you have to do all the fucking time because, as it turns out, none of your friends seem to be able to keep their shit together without Karkat Vantas intervening. 

Okay, that’s a bit of an exaggeration. Eridan and Sollux are actually doing surprisingly well in their new apartment with Mituna, Sollux’s relatively unstable “brother”, for lack of a better word. Feferi and Nepeta are renting a tiny place in Bedstuy, trying to make it as artists. And shit, Aradia moved away to go to med school. Really, it’s just Dave and Terezi and Gamzee that are hot messes. Not even Gamzee, honestly, but you’re so positive he’s going to cave in on himself that you feel responsible for going to check up on him every few days. 

Dave never comes with you, because Dave can only rarely bring himself to leave the house. 

It’s becoming a situation. One you can empathize with a little too much. You don’t know how to help him, besides making sure he’s eating and trying to wake him up at normal human times and encouraging him to take on music gigs. It’s not really doing very much. 

But you can’t just sit there with him all day. He doesn’t even want you to. He wants you out and socializing and working on this independently produced documentary. That has you feeling even more guilty, that he’s falling apart and doesn’t even want to drag you down with him. Sometimes it’s infuriating how GOOD Dave is at being a boyfriend, holy shit. 

“You’re sure you don’t want to come with me?” You ask him, referencing your imminent trip to Gamzee and Tavros’ place. 

“Nah dude. And it’s not even the depression thing today, TZ is coming over.” He tells you, smiling. 

You’re pretty sure she’s the first person he’s invited over in a full month. Probably they’re just going to wallow in their mental health issues together, but whatever. Better they do it together.

“I won’t be home too late.” You promise him, kissing him on the forehead. 

“Wait, babe, okay, please keep an eye out for-“

“We KNOW they’re dating, Dave.” You roll your eyes. 

“But we have no PROOF.” 

“There’s only one bed in their apartment.” You argue. 

“Because Gamzee’s never slept on the floor before?” 

You sigh, “I want them to admit it too, Strider, but I don’t think it’s going to happen. Tavros has always been weird about relationships.” 

“Says the guy who made us hide our beautiful love for a full year.” He jokes. 

“You know asshole, I don’t HAVE to come home with takeout.” You threaten. 

“Woah woah too far Karkat, don’t take away the Shake Shack.” He puts his hands up, conceding. 

“I’ll be back later, douchebag.” 

Gamzee might be sober, but he honestly hasn’t changed all that much since high school. He still survives off exclusively fast food, has no concept of how to keep a house tidy, and has questionable at best hygiene habits. You’ve lived with Tavros before, and know what a neat freak he is. It’s… kind of hilarious when you arrive ten minutes early to see Tavros asking Gamzee in the nicest fucking way possible to “please pick up some of his, uh, belongings, we’re having a guest over”. 

“So how are you assholes doing this week?” You ask them, sitting between them on the couch. 

“Uh, well, my legs got a little glitchy the other day, but Equius lives pretty close by. He helped me out.” Tavros informs you. 

“He and pointy glasses Strider are hanging out all the time.” Gamzee says. 

“Wait, shit, are they dating again? Isn’t Dirk with Caliborn?” Dave will not be happy to hear that drama.

“Oh, no, no, they’re just friends! I think they, uh, are considering trying to sell their prosthetics technology, or start a company, or something. I uh, just hope they upgrade me for free when they get ahold of better materials.” Tavros says. 

“Dave didn’t want to come over, Karbro?” Gamzee asks. 

“Terezi asked him to hang out today.” You say. Shit gets a little awkward. 

Tavros is the first to speak, “Is she… okay?” 

“Dude, YOU’RE allowed to talk to her.” You say, a little too fast. Gamzee and Tavros exchange a look that you can’t quite interpret. “What the fuck makes you feel like you can’t?” 

Gamzee responds, this time, “We both know she still has feeling for me, brother.” 

“You two ARE fucking, aren’t you? And, what, you feel guilty about it so you won’t talk to her?” You ask Tavros. 

He flushes. 

“Oh, calm your shit, I’m not MAD at you.” You huff. 

“Sound a little worked up to me.” Gamzee smiles, eyes distant. 

“I’M NOT WORKED UP. I JUST DON’T- I just don’t want Terezi finding out and falling apart.” Okay, yeah, you’re a little worked up. 

“Uh, Karkat, I know this is a weird position to put you in, but-“

“It’s okay, Tavbro, you don’t have to all up and defend me. Listen Kar, I know I motherfucking fucked up with Terezi. I was an abusive motherfucker. Made her brain all whacked out. I’m not trying to be alone forever though, bro. I’m having a really good time with Tavros, alright?” He says. 

“I’m not asking you to be alone forever, holy shit. It’s just shitty timing. All of this.” You explain. 

“We uh, we won’t tell her, okay Karkat? I wasn’t planning on… I care about her too, okay? We both do.” Tavros tells you. 

For the life of you, you can’t figure out how the fuck this happened. Gamzee only moved back her a few months ago, and Tavros has a bad fucking habit of almost-romances. Vriska, Nepeta- he always almost gets the girl, and then flips the fuck out and stops talking to them. 

You guess Gamzee isn’t really one to be bothered by someone flipping the fuck out. 

Tavros also doesn’t really have the ability to run away when the two of them physically live together. 

They look happy, though, laughing together in their kitchen while they cook you up some of the most questionable food you’ve ever eaten. Tavros can’t wipe the smile off his face, even when Gamzee embarrasses the shit out of him with affectionate nicknames or casual cheek kisses. 

You guess you’re happy for them, or something. Tavros has always had shit luck with romance, and as far as you’re aware your brief non-sober de-virgin-ing was Gamzee’s healthiest relationship prior to this. 

Tavros has work a little later, and leaves for a meeting at his advertising company. He assures you he doesn’t mind the late meetings with clients, and that it’s all worth the money he’s saving up to go to grad school. This leaves you alone with Gamzee. You haven’t been alone with Gamzee in… years. Since high school, you guess. 

This is either going to be a great bonding experience, or a complete disaster. 

“So how did you even get together with Tavros?” Disaster, then. 

“Look at you, all up and caring about my romantic pursuits Karbro.” Gamzee grins. 

You grit your teeth, “You should think of it as me double checking that you aren’t completely fucking over another one of my friends.” 

“You really want me to tell you about us?” His smile slips a fraction of an inch. 

“Honestly? I don’t give two flying fucks how or why you two idiots fell in love, I just don’t want to run around scrambling to pick up the pieces of Tavros after you fuck him over.” You tell him.

Okay, so, you’ve still got some resentment for Gamzee. 

He sighs and frowns a bit, “I know I messed with your thinkpan big time Karkat. I wish it never happened. I hope you can forgive me one day, Karbro.” 

“It’s not just the Terezi stuff. You fucking know that, right?” Shit, apparently you’re getting into this now. Real deep. Shit. You’ve… barely even talked about this with Dave. 

Gamzee is refusing to make eye contact with you, staring into his hands, “You were too high, Karkat. I know you were, I was too, but not as bad as you. That ain’t some shit a moirail is supposed to mother fucking get up to, I never should have let it happen, I’m sorry Kar, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” 

He knows exactly what the fuck you’re talking about. The night you both… fuck. The night you had sex. The virginity you only remember flashes of losing. No, no, he shouldn’t have let it happen. He was not as high as you were. He knew it shouldn’t be happening. He wasn’t blacked the fuck out. It was not o-fucking-kay. 

He continues, “I was a mother fucking grub brain, I thought it would help. Wanted to lift you out of your spiral Karbro, I’m sorry. Feel guilty about that shit every day Karkat.” 

“Fuck you, Gamzee. I’m not going to sit here and feel sorry for you because that shit is plaguing your conscience. It should. You should feel like shit about it. You should feel like shit for hitting Terezi, for giving her drugs, for- fuck. You know what the worst part is, Makara? That I still feel fucking responsible for you. That I’m sitting in your fucking house taking care of you after all this shit. That I’m trying to protect Tavros from your bullshit because, fuck, in the back of my mind you are still my responsibility, and if you fuck up, it’s MY fault. Honestly, honestly Gamzee? This is ridiculous. It isn’t even you I’m pissed off at anymore. I think we both know to just expect a whole lot of bullshit from you by now. It’s me. I’m disgusted with myself for still being here for you. For still wanting to make amends with you, for still wanting to be your fucking FRIEND.” 

You actually have to pause to catch your breath. Haven’t been on a tirade like that in awhile. 

“I can leave if it would up and make you feel better. Don’t want you feeling this way, Karkat.” He whispers. 

It breaks your fucking heart. 

“Are you fucking kidding? You don’t get to disappear, dick ass. You are going to stay right the fuck here and continue being sober and working your bulge off to help Tavros afford this apartment.” You say. 

He’s grinning again, so inappropriately, “I’m not going to fuck up again, Karkat. Tavros has my thinkpan on straight. Makes me want to make him happy. The honest way, not the drugs way.” 

“He’s a really good kid.” You stress every word, hoping it sticks. 

“I know, Karbro. We haven’t even gotten past makeouts yet.” 

“Holy shit, too much information, what in the name of the Condesce would have you think I would want to know any of that?” 

He stops laughing and asks, “Hey, I know I’m not supposed to be all talking to Terezi, but is she doing alright? She looked like hell when I saw her a few months ago. I just want to apologize to her. Talk out some shit. Some shit you don’t even know went down. We saw some stuff, Kar, we did some stuff that just needs talking about.” 

“She’s doing better. She’s not doing great. But the pills have stopped, and she eats, sometimes.” You tell him. 

“I gotta talk to her, Karkat.” He insists. 

“She keeps saying that shit too. I think it’s stupid. I think you’re both fucking morons, wanting to actively fuck each other’s shit up even more. I know it’s not my business though, not really. You’re adults. If you think you need to talk, you think you need to fucking talk.” You say. 

“Motherfuck. Didn’t think you’d agree with me. Vriska isn’t really about me talking to her.” Gamzee says. 

“No shit. She’s controlling and out of her fucking quadrants in love with Terezi,” You pause, “I could work something out, though. Just one fucking time. As a trial or something.” 

“I would appreciate the shit out of that brother. And I’m still sorry.” 

“Yeah, I know. She’ll be fine.” 

“I meant for our shit, Karkat.” 

“Well I AM fine.” 

You think you might be making amends. It doesn’t feel half as satisfying as you expected it to. No weight lifted off your chest, no desire to reminisce about all the good times you used to have, no sudden urge to spill your guts out to him like you used to. There’s still the weird “shit got fucked up” energy. Just, you’re not being such an obvious dick about it, anymore. You don’t know why you expected some earth shattering “we’re best bros again” moment, but the absence of it is making you feel all choked up. 

Your phone saves you. 

TG: so uh how do you feel about boys with tattoos  
CG: I’M NOT YOUR PARENT DAVE IF YOU WANT TO GET A TATTOO YOU DON’T HAVE TO ASK MY PERMISSION LIKE A WIGGLER.  
TG: then you are going to fucking love what you see when you get home  
TG: youre cool with me having someone elses name tattooed on my body right

God damn it, Dave. And then:

GC: 1 G0T 0N3 T00 H4H4H4H4H4H4

Yup, their tattoos are going to look like shit. 

“Speaking of Terezi, my boyfriend is currently doing something fucking stupid with her. I have to go intervene before this gets worse.” You tell Gamzee. He smiles and nods. Seems like he was happier about your emotional bullshit conversation than you are. Whatever. 

You’re not so far from your house that you feel the need to pay $2.50 to take the subway. Walking is fine. Okay, so, you didn’t really need to leave Gamzee’s to check up on Dave, not immediately. You know damn well he’s making a ridiculous decision, and it’s going to look terrible, and he’s going to love it. But it was a good excuse to get out of there before you got more emotional. Angerways or sadways. 

The walk home isn’t so bad. Winter is clearing up. At the very least, there aren’t piles of snow obstructing the sidewalks anymore. 

You’re literally having a conversation with yourself about the goddamn weather to avoid thinking about Gamzee Makara. 

You wonder if shit with him will ever get any easier. 

“Mr. Vantas?!” 

What the shit? 

You reel around towards the voice, trying to figure out just who the fuck is calling you by your last goddamn name in the middle of the street. 

“Are you fucking talking to- oh. Uh. Hi?” It’s some little kid. Probably you shouldn’t have jumped directly into cursing. 

“Are you really Mr. Vantas?” The kid asks, eyes wide. They’re a troll, probably five or six sweeps old. 

“Karkat. Yeah. How do you… know me?” Seriously what the shit is going on. 

“My brother! He has your book, and is on your blog all the time! Watching your videos! Or, oh no, assigned guardian. My assigned guardian. That’s what you call the trolls they set wigglers up with on Earth, right? In your book?” The kid says. 

“Uh… yeah.” 

“Can I get a picture with you? He’ll be so happy! He talks about what you’re doing all the time! Fuck the humans, right? Ha ha. I can’t believe it’s you!” 

You bend in for an awkward selfie with this child, head still spinning. 

“So kid, has my uh, has the stuff your guardian told you about me, has it helped you at all?” Not that you’re fishing for compliments, but… 

“I showed my friends at school! The stuff you said about Alternian history being erased from our textbooks. We started a club after school with one of our teachers to learn about it. It’s getting so popular, two HUMANS came the other day, just to learn about us!” The kid cheers. 

“Holy shit.” 

Karkat, god damn, with the cursing. 

“Okay, um, so I guess, just, thank you Karkat! Maybe I’ll see you at a protest sometime!” They blush. 

“Give it a couple years before you get messed up in all that, kid. Focus on school. The club… wow. I’m so proud of you, kid. I’d never have accomplished something like that at your age. Just keep… learning. Doing you.” You tap them lightly on their shoulder, and they run off. Apparently you’re awkward around kids. Who the fuck knew? But your speech was motivational enough, right?

You’re feeling like a million fucking dollars when you get back to your apartment. 

“Hey, assholes. Guess who just got fucking recognized for his fame?” You announce as you walk through the door. 

That train of thought is completely discarded when you see Dave and Terezi splayed out on the sofa comparing tattoos. 

Of each other’s names. 

Oh Jesus fucking Christ. 

“Babe! You want to check out my new swag?” Dave brandishes his bicep at you, “Terezi Pyrope” scrawled across it in… Comic Sans. It sickens you to admit that you aren’t even surprised. 

“Terezi, what the shit font is that?” You inquire about the very questionably designed “Dave Strider” on her thigh. 

“I wrote it myself, KARKAT. Jeez, cut a blind girl some slack.” She winks. 

“You two are actually fucking idiots.” You tell them. 

“You’re just jealous.” Dave elbows you.

“I told you he wouldn’t be any fun.” Terezi sighs. 

“Seriously, I cannot fucking believe the universe has saddled me with a pair of grubs with soft thinkpans like yours.” You continue to complain. 

If you’re being honest, the tattoos are kind of fucking hilarious. But fuck they are so stupid, you’ll never admit that to them. 

You continue, “If we could hop back on the sanity track for three fucking seconds, I’m starving. What’s for dinner?” 

Terezi’s face gets all scrunched up, and Dave says all casual, “We’re not doing dinner in the house tonight.” 

Right.

So Terezi is having a bad day. 

She’s been having so many good ones, you sometimes forget a slip up about food when she isn’t prepared to deal with thinking about it can really set the girl back. You suppose the bad day also explains the tattoos. 

“Alright, fine. Who wants to hear a story about how I’m famous, and then watch me kick ass at Mario Kart?” You correct yourself. 

Terezi bursts into laughter, “Like you could ever win Mario Kart against Dave.” 

“She’s right, Karkles.” Dave uses the nickname you hate, on purpose, just to get you growling at him. 

“Seriously. Seriously, you two are the fucking worst.” It doesn’t stop you from flopping down in between them and getting your ass completely handed to you at Mario Kart. 

You should probably feel embarrassed that a blind girl can kick your ass at Rainbow Road.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> dave and karkat's friendship with terezi is my lifeblood
> 
> dave's depression is hittin hard and bummin me out 
> 
> karkat and gamzee have some shit that i dont know if theyll ever really be able to work through
> 
> karkat is literally the fuckn coolest troll advocate i know
> 
> does the gamtav come out of nowhere? yup. do i care? less than i should


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> daves section is like exclusively dialogue whoops. 
> 
> def TWs: depression, suicidal thoughts, gore
> 
> im p sure this is two chapters in one week yall, and im excited! at the very least, this is faster than the updating was going for awhile there.

“Dude, I did it.” You aren’t talking loud enough for Karkat to hear you over the noise of the shower, so you pop your head inside the curtain and repeat yourself. 

“Way to respect my privacy shitbag.” He growls.

“Right because I’ve never seen you naked in the shower before.” You totally see his fist full of soap coming towards your face and dodge just in time. 

“So what the hell DID you do?” He asks. 

“Invited people over.” Even as you say it, it starts to sound like a worse idea. People? Over? That you have to put pants on for? They aren’t going to want to sit and watch Pretty Little Liars for hours on end. And you’re right on the precipice of the finale episode. What the fuck were you thinking? 

“Who?” Karkat can see the panic in your eyes, of course he can, and starts pushing at your boxers, tugging you towards the shower. 

You step in with him, and let him shampoo your admittedly greasy hair. His hair is still that same hot pink, and the dye is running down his shoulders and mixing in with the water on the shower floor. You try to focus on the aesthetics of that as you answer, instead of this gut instinct to back the fuck out of your plans, “Dirk and Caliborn.”

Karkat smiles. Karkat loves Caliborn. 

“You have time to eat with us?” You ask him. Fuck, you hope he does. 

“Yeah, sure, why the fuck not. Can we order delivery? I’m so fucking tired of cooking.” He says. 

“I already had my heart set on that crepe place.” You agree with him. 

There’s not much time to mope in the shower. Not nearly enough to take Karkat in, feel all his folds and cracks and scars. It’s just him running his hands over you, scrubbing you with the exfoliator he spent way too much goddamn money on, lathering you up with honey scented soap, and toweling you dry. 

You’d say the way he’s been taking care of you these past few months made you feel like a kid again, but you were a hell of a lot more self sufficient as a child. You aren’t entirely sure what the fuck happened to that. 

Dirk and his boyfriend arrive half an hour late, Dirk’s neck looking like it’d been mauled. You wouldn’t be surprised if the two jerks got so into each other on the way over they’d stopped to fuck in an alley or some shit. 

“Bro we’re starving over here, come look at this menu.” You call him over.

“Man, haven’t seen you in weeks and all you care about it food? That hurts, baby bro.” It doesn’t really hurt, he’s reading over the menu fast as hell, clearly hungry. 

“What is this crepes. That we are going to be consuming tonight.” Caliborn’s chopped up speech pattern get’s you smiling every damn time. 

“It’s like these pancakes that got steamrolled and wrapped around some delicious shit. Little French burritos. Pretentious burritos. Burritos that took a dive in a sugar factory.” You explain. 

“You’re not making this sound especially appetizing dude. They’re great Cal, I swear.” Dirk cocks his head at his boyfriend. You think he might be winking. Fuck, and you thought he was gross with Jake. This is a whole new level of Dirk boyfriend bullshit. 

“I would like the one with excessive amounts of whipped cream.” Caliborn decides. 

“Pfft, that’s such a beginner’s choice. You have to try the one with just butter and brown sugar. You have no idea what you’re missing out on.” Karkat chimes in, always argumentative. 

“Ah, Crab Crab. I have some interesting thoughts. On your most recent blog video. From the perspective of an alien that is not a troll.” Caliborn tells him. 

Karkat winces, “My name is Karkat, you snake piece of shit.” 

The two squabble for the rest of the evening. You think they might be best friends. 

“DIRK. Crab Crab and I are going to play the human game. The Sims. Are you interested in creating a family with us?” The two of them are huddled in front of your desk, starting up your computer. 

“Jesus SHIT assface, it’s KARKAT. You KNOW my NAME.” Karkat’s up and yelling, but you can tell he’s having a good time. 

“Nicknames are a term of human endearment Crab Crab.” Caliborn elbows him. 

“Y’all have fun over there, Dave and I are gonna go check out his turntables.” Dirk calls to them. 

“Dude do you think they’re falling in love?” You joke to him once you’re out of their earshot. 

“That shit is so cute I don’t think I’d even be mad,” Dirk laughs, “Okay, but kid, what the fuck is going on with you? I saw you more when you were still in high school and I was across the country at college.” 

God damn it, is he seriously pulling the responsible big brother card right now?

“Not much man, just trying to figure out what I’m doing with my life, you know?” You tell him. Keep shit vague. 

“Thought you were digging the music scene. You play any gigs?” He asks. 

“Is this twenty fucking questions or some shit? God damn. No, I haven’t been playing. I’ve been helping Karkat with his shit a bunch.” That’s mostly a lie, but whatever.

“I had to cancel a set next Friday, they’re looking for someone else to play.” He says. 

You’d bet ten dollars that Karkat’s been telling him what a rut you’ve been in. Stupid boyfriend who cares about you and wants you to get better. You don’t need Dirk worrying about you. Dirk’s had plenty of his own shit to deal with, he’s finally in a goddamn happy place, he doesn’t need you falling apart on his plate. 

“Word, maybe. I’ll see what my schedule is like. Text me the details or something.” You agree, not at all planning on following through. 

“Dave, seriously, what the fuck is up with you?” He pushes. 

“Yeah, can we not?” You sound a little more pissed off than you intended. 

“You’re being defensive as hell.” He won’t give it up. 

“Dude, I’m trying to have a nice night with my bro and his angry alien boyfriend, chill with the third degree.” You brush him off again. 

“Dave, you know how bad shit like this can get in our family.” He says. 

“I’m not Roxy, holy shit, I’m not fucked up on the hooch, I’m just having some motivation issues. Seriously. I’m done with this conversation. Yo! Karks, Caliborn, I want to create a character, make room for D Strides.” You stroll back into the room they’re playing in before Dirk has time to barrage you with more questions. You hear him sigh behind you. 

“Fine, I’m making a character too if this is what- Caliborn, is that your chick? You’ve got to tone it down with the tits, dude, we’ve had the sexism talk before.” Dirk luckily gets distracted by Caliborn. 

“Crab Crab had similar feedback. We agreed that she will be a classy broad. The money maker of the household. The alpha female.” Caliborn explains. Karkat is cracking the fuck up next to him like they honestly, seriously, had a huge conversation about this. 

You wiggle your way into Karkat’s lap to get a better view, as Dirk wraps his arms around Caliborn to seize control of the computer mouse. You can’t say you wouldn’t rather be curled up under a pile of blankets playing by yourself, but, shit, this isn’t so bad. You might even be having fun, or something. And you can feel Karkat doing that purring shit underneath you, filled with goddamn glee that you’re interacting with other people. So that kind of makes the whole evening worth it, seeing him happy with you. 

You make the mistake of mentioning that gig to him later. Your tone was saying “Dirk is an idiot I am so not ready for that shit yet” but a week later, when you’re still in pajamas at 9pm on a Friday it becomes evident that Karkat heard “I am so going and it’s going to be great I am better now”. 

“Dave, didn’t you have that show tonight?” He asks you, hair still damp from his shower. 

“Uh, what?” You barely remember that bullshit at this point. 

“You called them, right? The one Dirk was talking about last weekend.” Karkat clarifies. 

“Oh. Uhh…” 

“So, I know you probably want me to come. How late will you be playing? I promised Nepeta and Feferi I’d stop by their gallery opening, too. I personally think Feferi’s art is a little hemophobic but fuck, Nepeta is surprisingly talented, so I should still go, right? Whatever, I should be able to make it to both.” He’s mostly talking to himself, trying to plan his schedule. 

“Yeah, dude, uh, I’m not playing. Just worry about the gallery. Stay as late as you want.” You try to stay it casually so he doesn’t get upset. That goes poorly. 

“What, they turned you down?” You can tell by his tone he knows they didn’t turn you down. 

“Didn’t think I could deal with that shit. It’s not my kind of venue, anyway, Dirk’s all about those gross sweaty clubs.” You excuse yourself. 

“You didn’t even call.” His mouth is hanging open, like he can’t fucking believe you. 

You are so about to get into a fight. You never fight, not about anything serious. You yell and tease and poke fun at each other all the time, and wrestle like assholes, but you never fight. Fuck. 

“A performance is a little too much for me right now.” You figure honesty might get you somewhere. 

His expression does soften, a bit. It’s not like he doesn’t get where you’re coming from, “Yeah, sure. Okay. Maybe something else, some other time. You can come to the gallery opening now, though, so that’s nice. I seriously am not looking forward to bullshitting compliments about Feferi’s art.” 

Your face falls. Yeahhh, you’re so not going to that, either. He can read it on your face. 

“Seriously?” Is all he says. 

“I just want to hang out here. I’m so tired.” You explain. 

“I’m fucking tired too, Dave! From running around every god damn day working my ass off on my books and film projects and activist groups. Like, holy shit, you think I’m not tired?” He’s really yelling at you, not play pretend aggressive yelling. 

Your gut response is to freeze the fuck up. Get real defensive and emotionless. Block this shit out. 

“Yeah, I get it, you work harder than me.” Deadpan. 

“FUCK. That’s not- I get that you’re fucking depressed Dave, okay? Fucking, been there, done that, I get it, I GET it. But you aren’t- you aren’t even TRYING. Do you not get how fucking hard it is for ME to try for both of us?” His chest is rattling. 

“I don’t think I’ve heard you angry purr before, bro.” Divert, divert, divert. 

“Wh- that’s- you can’t- I’m trying to be god damn serious. Just once, one time, be serious.” You’ve got him so mad he’s whispering through his teeth. 

“Yeah, no, I get it Karkat, I’m a piece of shit. I don’t really need reminders, I think about it all fucking day already.” You’re telling the truth but god you sound like an asshole. 

“Can you not, Dave? Can you not make me feel fucking guilty about literally just wanting a night out with my boyfriend for the first time in fucking months? I feel like I’m being extra goddamn patient, here, but this is a lot. This is a lot and you aren’t trying and now you’re trying to make me feel fucking guilty for not being perfectly one hundred percent capable of dealing with the bullshit you throw me every goddamn day.” He means it, you know he means it, that’s the worst part. 

You mean it when you say, “Dude. I know. I’m literally the worst. It’s what I’ve been saying.” 

“ARGH! You don’t even- you don’t even seem UPSET about thinking that. FUCKING CHRIST DAVE.” His hands are all twisted up and he’s curling himself into a pissed off freak out position and literally, literally all you can think about is how amazing he is, and how much you love him, and how beautiful he is with his face scrunched up and spit coming out of his mouth, and god, god, how terrible you are for him. 

“I’m sorry for being such a shitty boyfriend.” Is all you have the guts to say. 

“YOU AREN’T A SHITTY BOYFRIEND. Can you cut this self pity bullshit out and TALK to me?” 

You don’t say anything, because nope, nah, you’re pretty positive that you cannot cut it the fuck out. 

“DAVE.” 

“Just go have a good time tonight.” You tell him. You can’t even look at him right now.

“You’re seriously not going to fucking come?” He sounds a little less angry and a little more hurt. 

“I can’t do it, Karkat.” You feel fucking hollow. 

He doesn’t bother responding to you, or can’t, or something. He grabs a pile of clothes off the floor and rushes into the bathroom to get ready, slamming the bedroom door behind him. You hear him leave the apartment ten minutes later. He doesn’t say goodbye. 

Cue the fucking waterworks. 

Or, not, apparently. 

Cue the feeling like you want to cry, but being too goddamn depressed to actually do anything about it. You sit there on the bed where he left you for a good half hour, just staring into the space he used to occupy. 

Half of you is reeling to text him 56 times apologizing. The other half of you knows that won’t do a damn thing besides get him more worked up. He needs space after that shit. Probably you do too. Or something. 

Instead, you try to see who the fuck is online. You’re expecting it to be no one, because let’s be fucking honest, everyone is at Nepeta’s art show. Like you should be. Except for Tavros, apparently, who ends up sending you a message before you can shoot one off to him.

AT: yOU UH, AREN’T GOING TO NEPETA’S SHOW EITHER?  
TG: nah  
TG: why arent you there bro  
AT: wENT OUT WITH SOLLUX LAST NIGHT. gOT A LITTLE TOO DRUNK, I UH, NEED TO REST.  
AT: pLUS, I UH, HAVEN’T SEEN NEPETA SINCE I UH  
TG: gamzee  
AT: yEAH…  
AT: wAIT BUT KARKAT TOLD ME HE WAS GOING, WHY AREN’T YOU THERE?  
TG: hey man  
TG: can i  
TG: talk to you  
TG: about some serious shit  
AT: uH, WOAH, WHAT’S UP DAVE?  
AT: Here I’ll even quit the, uh, stupid typing quirk.  
AT: Are you okay, Dave?  
TG: i think  
TG: im fucking things up  
TG: with karkat

You see Tavros starting to respond, but need to take a step back, lay the fuck down on the bed, register the shit you just wrote down in the actual physical world. Do you actually think you’re fucking things up with Karkat, or are you just flipping the fuck out? Fuck, fuck, you have no idea. You have not one god damn clue. Get Professor Plum in here, we need someone to investigate this catastrophe. 

Your phone starts ringing. Tavros. Apparently you freaked the kid out and took too damn long to respond. 

“Yo.” You sound fucking miserable. 

“Uh, hey Dave. What, uh, what’s going on?” He sounds like you might break. 

“No, it’s cool dude, I was just, over exaggerating. Or like, no, I wasn’t, I’m being a complete asshole, and I can’t get out of bed, but Karkat isn’t going to leave me because he is straight up a fucking saint so, really, just about guilt here.” You spill out. God, you’re embarrassing yourself. 

“You know, I was really depressed after my, uh, accident, too.” Tavros tells you. 

“No shit dude. You had a fucking reason. You got your legs all fucked up, not working, out of commission. I’m just sitting here and shit feeling terrible for no god damn reason.” You say. 

“I think, uh, that’s literally how depression works.” Tavros laughs a little. You let out a little snort with him, because god, yeah, you sound dumb. You know how depression works. It just feels pathetic as hell when you’re the one feeling it. 

“How’d you deal with this shit, dude?” You ask him. 

“Uh, honestly? I uh, didn’t, for a really long time. I took all that, uh, time off from school. It had nothing, to do with my legs. It was all in my head, I think. And then you and uh, Karkat really, you both were always there for me. And John, and Terezi, and Aradia. Things got better when I uh, started classes again, too.” He tells you. 

“See maan, I don’t even know how to motivate myself to talk to my friends half the time, never fucking mind apply to grad school or get a job or some shit.” You complain. 

“I felt like that, for awhile, too.” He says, comforting. Fuck. 

“Am I supposed to just fucking go get a part time job? Is that how I fix this?” You ask him. 

“I think it depends, on how you are feeling, and what’s really going on with this depression. Maybe it wouldn’t be, such a bad idea, for you to uh, talk to a professional.” Tavros suggests. 

Yeah, you’ve thought about that. Like, a lot. It’s just kind of a hell of a lot of effort to figure out fucking insurance, and find someone accepting new patients near you, and make sure you actually fucking like them, and god you are so bored and overwhelmed thinking about it that it just never goddamn happens. Are they like, not fucking aware that depression kills your motivation? Shouldn’t this shit be easier? 

“I know, it can be hard. I was lucky and had, uh, the school psychologists, who weren’t the best, but, it was better, than nothing, for me at least. But after this whole accident, I’m kind of a pro, with insurance. If you want me to help.” Tavros offers. 

“Yeah, hell yeah, hell fucking yeah dude I think that would be fucking great.” You’re not crying, it’s fine, shut up. 

“But hey, what happened with Karkat tonight?” He shifts the subject. 

Man, you forgot what a great kid Tavros is. You haven’t seen him in… months. Or anyone, really, besides Terezi and Vriska and John who keep barging the fuck into your house without your consent. 

“I think he’s just frustrated that I’m, you know. Always in bed. Probably I responded like an asshole too, I don’t know.” You admit. 

“Hm, well, okay, I hope this isn’t rude, but, you know you can be a little, uh, dismissive? You kind of, shut down Dave. When you should be having an emotion.” Tavros points out, like you don’t fucking know. 

“I know I’ve got to apologize to him. He just gets himself so fucking worked up, I don’t know if I’ll have a chance to without him blowing up.” You tell him. 

“I think, maybe, he just wants to see you have an emotion.” Tavros says. 

“Sounds like you’ve been talking to him.” 

“Uh, well, not tonight. But in general, recently, yeah.” 

“He comes over to hang a bunch, doesn’t he?” You muse. You guess he’s kind of been spending a lot of time out of the house. Is he… really that frustrated with you? Fuck, fuck, fuck. 

“It’s to check up on Gamzee. He thinks, uh, that Gamzee is going to, murder me, or break my heart, or just generally, fuck me up. I think he thinks of it, as babysitting, coming over here.” Tavros is the one who sounds miserable now. 

“Shit, guess I haven’t talked to you about that. How’s that going?” It’s not like you think Gamzee is the best dude in the world. You probably hate him for the shit he did to Karkat and Terezi, but they seem like they’re both all about making amends now that he isn’t entirely consumed by drugs and mental illness. So like, if dude is making Tavros happy, whatever, right? Okay, no, you feel a little more fucking conflicted after all the abusive shit Gamzee has pulled, but Karkat and Terezi seem extra invested in him becoming a better person, so you’re gonna stick by them. 

“I know, everyone thinks he is terrible. And I know he did, some terrible things, and he knows that, too. But he’s doing really well. And he is so supportive, of me, and everything I want to do, and he is respectful, of my, uh, personal issues, with some relationship things.” Tavros says. 

“Relationship things? Is that something you want to get into bro, or should I just leave it?” He just listened to you bitch for twenty minutes, if he wants to get into some of his shit now, he so fucking can. 

“Just, you know. I’ve never been, the best, or comfortable most of the time, with physical things. In relationships. And that’s why, Vriska and I never really, got anywhere. Or Nepeta, and I. They both thought, I didn’t like them, because I didn’t like doing, uh, sexual, stuff, all of the time. Or most of the time. But Gamzee, really, gets it.” He explains. 

“Shit, dude, I didn’t know that’s what was going down with the girls.” 

“It’s kind of, um, uncomfortable to talk about, too.” 

“Okay, sure, makes sense bro. But you and Gamzee, you’re good or whatever?” You just want to make sure. 

“The only problem, is that everyone, is expecting him to hurt me. It kind of makes it, feel inevitable. Not to me. But to him. He keeps, thinking, when he gets into a bad place, that he’s going to ruin me. And I just, don’t think, that’s true. And I wish people would, uh, stop making him feel that way. I also wish I could, uh, talk to Terezi. I think it’s a little, overprotective, literally hiding my relationship, from her.” Tavros says. 

You can’t say you disagree with him. Everyone has been treating TZ like a fucking child, and it’s dumb as hell. 

“Maybe let me talk to her about it.” 

“Wait, Dave, what?” Tavros sounds terrified. 

“TZ and I have a pretty solid rapport, dude. Straight up bff, best friends forever, two peas in a fucking pod. She’s gotta hear about this, I can break it to her easy. And then Vriska can be all pissed at me about spilling the beans, instead of you.” You suggest. 

“I… uh… do you really think, it would be okay? To do that?” He sounds so hopeful you kind of want to cry. 

“Dude, I got this, okay? Hey, is she at Nepeta’s thing tonight?” You ask. 

“No, I don’t think so, Gamzee was going to it, so I think she stayed home- wait, you’re, doing it now? Tonight?” Now there’s a little panic in his voice. 

“I got this bro. Trust me.” 

“Dave.” 

“Yeah?”

“Just let me know, how it goes?” 

“Dude, for sure.” 

You hang up. Time to make a call to Terezi. You vaguely wonder if you’re making a poor choice just because you’re out of your head upset about Karkat, but fuck it. You’re already dialing. 

“Coolkid? Shouldn’t you be out tonight?” TZ asks. 

“You know damn well I’m sitting on my ass at home.” You reply. 

“You’ve got to get your shit together coolkid.” She teases, like she’s anymore together than you. 

Except, fuck, now that you think about it, she kind of has been pulling her shit together more than you. Okay, wow, fuck. 

“I got some shit to talk to you about TZ. Real important. Just uh, everyone else kind of thinks you shouldn’t be hearing about it. I ain’t that kind of bro, though. Feel like you should know everything that’s going on.” You’re aimlessly ranting, okay. 

“Ha ha, oh my god, is someone FINALLY trying to spill the beans to me about Gamzee and Tavros?” She’s got her whole crazy laugh going on. 

“Wait… you know?” 

“Okay, honestly, everyone in this group of friends has GOT to learn how completely useless they are at keeping secrets.” She tells you. 

Okay. Well. That was easy. 

“And you’re… cool with it?” Just gotta check in. 

“Not at first. Fuck no, I wasn’t, I was furious. But you know, I think it’s for the best. I actually AM doing better, coolkid. Besides, I was all closed off to all these other romantic possibilities when he was still in the mix. Who KNOWS who I could date now?” She’s laughing again. 

“Dude, we all know you’re gonna fuck Vriska.” 

“HEY! I’m trying to build up the romantic tension, here!” She giggles. 

“Y’all are like some gross girl-next-door trope straight out of one of Karkat’s romance novels.” You tease her. 

“Except the time she blinded me.” TZ jokes. 

“I dunno dude, some of his books are pretty fucked up.” 

“Hmm, speaking of which, sounds like my roomies are home. Talk to you later, coolkid?” 

“Fuck yeah, tattoo buddy. You’re coming over tomorrow, right? That whole Karkat-Gamzee-TZ reunion bullshit that everyone is freaking the fuck out about?” You ask. 

“Hell yeah. See you tomorrow, Strider.” 

So. Karkat’s probably getting home soon, too. Unless you pissed him off so much he doesn’t want to come home. Which, honestly, would kind of blow a whole big sack of dicks. You aren’t sure if you mentioned this, but you kind of are head over heels in love with the dude. 

“Dave?” 

Hell fucking yes, he’s home. 

“Hey Karkles. How was the art show? See some rad colors? Talk to some pretentious art kids?” You ask him. Fuck, you are way too good at pretending nothing is wrong. 

“Feferi is a fucking classist, just like I’ve been saying.” He responds, apparently totally fucking cool going along with your “everything is fine” mindset.

“Yo, Kat?” 

That’s your serious name for him. He’s paying attention now, big eyes looking up at you, waiting for you to continue. 

“I, uh, I’m sorry Kat.” You continue. 

“Yeah, you were kind of being a complete ass bucket before.” He agrees. 

You lose it. Shit, you’ve been crying a lot lately. Karkat must think you are such a wimp. 

“I’m sorry Kat, this is the worst, I’m the worst, I’m so so sorry.” You’ve got your face smooshed against him and he’s holding on to you like he’ll lose you if he lets go. 

“I KNOW you’re sorry jackass. Stop, stop fucking saying that shit about yourself.” His claws dig into you. 

“No, Karkat, I am awful. I’m the worst dude. I’m a shitty boyfriend, and I’m self involved, and you deserve someone better than me. You’re fucking amazing, and I am terrible, I’m awful to you.” The tears keep happening. 

“Dave, you’re scaring me, I love you, you aren’t awful, please stop hurting yourself like this, all I fucking want is for you to TALK to me, but you won’t, you won’t tell me what’s going ON.” Judging by his shaking, he’s crying too. 

Nice move, Strider. Making your boyfriend cry. 

“I don’t know what’s wrong. Everything feels bad.” 

“Even… us?” 

Shit. 

“Dude, I love you. But it’s everything. Everything feels fucking terrible, all of the time. Like shit, you make me smile and laugh and I can’t stand it when you’re not around, but every goddamn time I look at you, I feel guilty. I should be making you happy, and I’m not, and I feel like shit.” You hate that it’s true. You hate everything about yourself, right now. 

“You DO make me happy, asshat.” You didn’t think he could grip you any tighter, but fuck, he is. 

“Do I, though?” 

“YES. Fuck you, Dave, YES.” 

“I guess that’s good.” 

“Can you please, not do this? I get the depression thing, okay, I GET it Strider, but can you not make this about us? I’m going to get frustrated sometimes, jackass, because wow holy shit, have you met me? Just, shut the fuck up and let me be here for you until you’re feeling better.” He sounds like he’s begging. 

“I’m not like, trying to ditch you. You know that, right?” 

He stays quiet. 

You reaffirm, “Karkat fucking Vantas, I’m not going to up and leave you, okay? I fucking love you.” 

“If you needed to, for your head, I’d get it.” His tone tells you that nope, no, he would not get it. 

“Dude. I’m not gonna do that. Ever. I want to like, be with you forever. And shit.” 

“Let’s work on you not wanting to die before we wander any closer to marriage proposals, shithead.” He teases. 

“I’m still really fucking sad, Kat.” 

“I know. I’m gonna go make us hot chocolate.” 

“Fuck, you’re the best.” 

\-----------------------------------------------------------

“TZ stop hogging the fuckin chips, god damn.” Dave reaches over you to grab at the bag of Doritos Terezi is shoving into her face.

“JEEZ coolkid, you spend two years BEGGING me to eat, but now that I am it’s suddenly too much? That’s cold, Dave. …oh, come on guys, what? Too soon?” She laughs, and you can’t help but smile with her. 

“Maybe give it more than a few fucking weeks of recovery before you’re making jokes about it.” You elbow her. 

“Can’t make blind jokes, can’t make eating disorder jokes- you two don’t let me have any fucking fun.” Terezi pouts. 

“As much as I’d love to stick around till clown bro shows up, I’ve been told I have to ‘get the fuck out of the house’. So. Heading over to Rose’s for some twin bonding.” Dave explains, stretching. Really, he’s going over there so she can help him find a therapist. You’re so happy about it you want to hit him. 

“BYE DAVE. Tattoo bump before you go?” Terezi smirks. 

“How the fuck else are two people with matching tattoos supposed to say goodbye to each other.” 

The dorks actually do a tattoo bump, his bicep to her thigh. They’re disgusting, and their tattoos still look like shit. You’ve made Dave promise to never, ever, tattoo your name on his body. His agreement was a little too shifty for you to entirely trust it. 

“So, are we still going along with THE BIG PLAN Karkles?” Terezi asks you once he’s gone. 

“Shh, idiot, he could still be in the hallway.” You hush her.

“I don’t get why you’re lying to HIM about this, too. It’s only Vriska I’m worried about.” If she had eyes, she’d be rolling them. 

“We both know he can’t keep his mouth shut.” You explain. 

“Fine fine, whatever. Okay, so Gamzee gets here, and what? I hop in his car and you fuck around your house for the rest of the day?” She asks.

“Fuck no, Dave is so liable to peace out of Rose’s early and come home. I’m going into my editing studio. I’ve got work to do, anyway. I’m turning off my phone so these douchebags can’t yell at me if they catch the fuck on. But here’s my office number. Just in case.” You hand her a piece of paper. 

“You seriously think he’s going to give me drugs, don’t you?” She sighs. 

“I’m the one facilitating your secret little hang out, asshole, fucking excuse me for being slightly concerned that shit might hit the god damn fan.” 

She starts rummaging through her bag. 

“Here, Vantas, let me give you some cold hard evidence that even if Gamzee DOES pull something insane, I’m in my right mind enough to beat the shit out of him. With my cane.” She brandishes a piece of paper towards you. 

“What the fuck is this?” 

“Oh, just my acceptance to a pre law program.” She beams. 

Fuck. 

“Fuck.” 

“I know, I’m incredible, right? Applied for a rolling admissions program this winter, got wait listed, and just got the fuck in.” 

You’re hugging her before you realize what’s happening. 

“Knock it off, Karkat, jeez, you’re embarrassing yourself. Your candy red tears are all over the place, aren’t you still supposed to be ashamed of them or something?” Terezi pushes you off of her, but she’s grinning. 

“Glad you finally stopped fucking up and got your shit together.” You know she knows you mean that sweeter than it came out. 

Her phone starts ringing. 

“Gamzee?” You ask. 

She nods. 

“Are you ready for this, Terezi?” You question, one last time, just to be fucking sure. 

“I’m so nervous. It’s stupid, I’ve known him for fucking years. I don’t even LIKE him anymore. Romantically. Ah, it’s fine, I’m just going to go.” She shakes out her hands, preparing herself. 

“I can still come with you, if you want.” You offer. 

“No, no. I really think we should talk some stuff out. I need closure, I think. Especially if I’m going to… you know. With Vriska. I have to make sure this is over first. I’ll see you later?” She decides. 

“Hey Terezi?”

“Whaaat, Karkat? Are you gonna bitch out now?” 

“No, shut up for a god damn minute. Just do me a fucking favor?”

“Ugh, what?” 

“Punch him for me?” 

She starts laughing, “You’re so fucking weird, Karkat. Punch him yourself, baby.” 

Oh, you’ve thought about it. You just figure you’re supposed to be being the bigger troll now, or some bullshit. She could hit him, though. She should hit him. You’re probably going to be pissed at her if she never hits him. Whatever. 

You’ve been slacking on work lately, so it’s nice to have a day just to focus on your editing. You’ve kind of put way too many goddamn projects on your plate. The most time consuming of which happens to be your boyfriend. 

You don’t know what the fuck to do about him. He looks like he’s going to break most of the time. You want to be there when it happens, to pick up all the goddamn pieces, but shit, fuck, you are so busy. Your initial plan was to focus primarily on marketing and signings for your published book, but that shit took off so fast your editor wanted you back in the field, writing more. 

You took it the fuck upon yourself to start drafting a documentary script. That’s what you’d been truly interested in with your thesis, to begin with. You’ve got tons of footage, but so much of it is from protests that are no longer relevant. You feel pressured to be out there every night doing interviews, right up until you finish on the cutting room floor and get this shit out in the world. You want it current, up to date, relevant. You want the names of the trolls being discussed in your film to already be on the lips of your audience. You want it hot and raw and tear jerking enough to actually coerce people into making a goddamn difference. 

And of course you’re an overachiever, so you’re trying to produce some academic papers along side all of this too, to prove you aren’t just some radical filmmaker- you’ve got a degree, you know your history, you know your law, you know sociology and economics and all that shit. Not that you’re an expert, by a long shot. But you’re working on getting there. Movie first, grad school later. 

You weren’t really anticipating this, but you’ve kind of become a leader in the protest movement of Alternians on Earth. You aren’t even going to pretend you aren’t eating that shit up, either. You love being a leader, you love inspiring other people, you love being the one to tell everyone exactly what the fuck they’re doing wrong. 

It’s not just New York influence either. Your book is gaining traction pretty much fucking everywhere. There are people working on translating that shit into other languages (regrettably, you didn’t just write it in Alternian in the first fucking place. That was a mistake, Karkat). Your video blog has thousands of followers. You’re going to want to start travelling, soon, too, to speak with other trolls in places that are a hell of a lot less well off than those in the relatively liberal city of New York. 

That kind of has you freaking the fuck out. Not because you aren’t excited- holy hell, you want to travel. You’ve only ever seen New York, and Dave’s hometown, and that shitty troll encampment you lived in during high school. Yeah, you want to see some cooler places. 

But Dave. 

Fuck. 

Dave is a goddamn mess. You have no idea if you’d be able to drag him along with you when he’s like this. You sure as shit wouldn’t feel comfortable leaving him home alone. Even if he isn’t actively suicidal- something you aren’t one hundred percent convinced about, honestly- he’s likely to hole up alone the entire time you’re gone without food or sleep or human contact. 

You know he isn’t your responsibility. You know he doesn’t even want you holding yourself back to deal with his shit. 

That doesn’t mean you aren’t going to. 

You’re kind of in love with the bastard. 

Fuck. 

Okay, so you’ve sort of been sitting on your ass for three hours not actually doing anything. 

Maybe it’s time for a coffee break to regroup. 

There’s a café down the street that you cannot get enough of. They’ve got that Earth coffee that you guzzle down whenever Dave isn’t watching (he still has you banned from it, claiming “over-caffeinated Karkat is a danger to himself and others), and a small selection of actual goddamn Alternian baked goods. You’re a sucker for food that reminds you of shit your lusus used drag home. 

You hang out there longer than you should, considering the amount of work you’ve left unfinished, and the fact that the only number Terezi can contact you at is your work phone. 

Truthfully, you don’t think you’re expecting anything to go wrong. 

The secretary is a motherfucking wreck when you get back in to the office. 

“Mr. Vantas? Good, you’re back- someone’s been calling for half an hour-“ She begins, phone still held up to her ear. 

“Shit. SHIT. Terezi? Who’s on the phone?” Okay, you’re freaking the fuck out. 

“No, no, it isn’t your friend. It’s- here, hold on, I’m giving the phone to Mr. Vantas right now.” The secretary hands you the phone. 

“Hello?” You sound panicked. 

“Is this Karkat Vantas speaking?” An unfamiliar voice says back to you. 

“Uh, yeah, who the shit is this?” 

“I’m a doctor calling from Lenox Hill Hospital. Mr. Vantas, there has been an unfortunate accident. Someone who has listed you as next of kin was taken into our hospital this afternoon. We did everything we could, Mr. Vantas, but they passed away in the ambulance on the way to the hospital. We need you to come in and identify the body.” 

For a second, you feel a pit forming in your stomach. 

Then it’s all confusion and anger and yelling. Who the FUCK would list you as next of kin? Kankri? He shouldn’t be in the fucking city. DAVE? Would Dave do something like that? Instead of Rose, or Dirk? Shit, god, it isn’t Dave, it can’t be Dave…

You realize you’ve been saying all of this out loud into the phone when the doctor’s voice responds:

“We found a license listing them as Gamzee Makara.” 

“You’re pronouncing his fucking name wrong, holy shit, you racist fucking human.” 

And then it hits you. 

And you hang up. 

You aren’t sure what you feel. You’re pretty sure it’s nothing. Gamzee is… what? Fuck. The phone feels heavy in your hand. Too damn heavy. You try to put it down, but your arm won’t budge. 

You think you might be breathing too fast, or maybe not at all.

It’s hard to fucking pinpoint with all this ringing going on in your ears. Shit, that’s loud. 

There’s something going on with your face. Water? Is that tears? Are you crying?

“Mr. Vantas? Is everything, um, are you, okay?” The secretary asks. 

You try to respond to her. But you don’t know her name. Holy shit, why don’t you know her name? You’ve been doing your editing here for months, now. You distinctly remember walking in with Meenah after a rally a few weeks ago to get some footage up on your blog, and Meenah said “Hi --- nice to see you”. What the fuck name did she use? Holy shit, you are scum, this is terrible, her NAME is the only fucking thing that matters and you can’t even fucking-

“Mr. Vantas? K- Karkat?” 

She even knows your first name. 

She puts a hand on your shoulder. 

You might be flipping the fuck out. 

“Call me a fucking cab. To Lenox Hill.” Your voice is shaking. You have GOT to sit down. Fuck, it’s HOT. 

“Ar- Are you okay? Do you need an ambulance?” She’s standing now, peering at you over her desk as you shrink back against the wall for support. 

“NOT FOR FUCKING ME. Just call the goddamn cab, holy shit!” You should not be yelling at her. You’re going to have to apologize later. For now, though, you’re a little stuck on the floor, head between your knees, trying to stop the whole goddamn world from spinning. 

This stupid girl calls a cab for you, walks around the desk, sits down next to you, and puts an arm over your shoulders. You don’t even know her NAME. 

“It should be here in ten minutes,” She begins, “And it’s Mary. You were, uh, saying some of that out loud. Before.” 

You start laughing, “I think one of my friends is dead.” 

She grips you tighter around the shoulders, your knees still planted firmly against your temples, until the taxi arrives. 

You’ve totally forgotten her name again by the time it pulls up to the curb. 

She called you an Uber, apparently, because wow now that you think about it you’re in fucking Manhattan, you could have just walked outside and hailed a cab yourself. The car smells like leather and air freshener. Your stomach is sick. You have to ask the driver to roll down your window so you can poke your head out as you clutch your abdomen.

You left your phone in the editing studio. Shit. 

You’ll probably… have to get that. After this is over. 

You aren’t entirely fucking sure what “over” entails in this situation. Your head is still buzzing. The sick feeling is creeping its way up your throat. 

The driver has to say, “we’re here, sir” three times before you comprehend what the fuck he’s telling you. 

You get out of the car.

The emergency room is fucking freezing. You wish you brought a jacket. Or your phone. Or your emotions, or something. 

You aren’t really sure what to do. 

Vriska is there. She doesn’t see you. She’s curled up in a chair, her head in her hands, sobbing. There’s blue, everywhere. Everywhere. Meenah’s crouched down in front of her, holding her by the hair, saying words you don’t think you’d be able to hear even if your brain were capable of making sense of them right now. 

They’re all there. All of them. All your shitty friends, just off to the left in a waiting room keeping you out of their view. They look like a fucking train wreck. Why the fuck do they all care about Gamzee so much? 

Oh, holy shit. Gamzee. You’re here for a reason. Right. 

You take a right turn, away from your friends, towards the front desk. 

A nurse is there, bright red, being screamed at. By Dave. Dave is screaming at this nurse. He hasn’t seen you, either, he’s too busy cursing and shaking and- god, he’s not wearing his shades, he’s crying. Something about him has your ears working again. Maybe the sheer volume.

“NO. I DON’T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT YOUR RULES, LADY, OKAY. FUCKING TELL ME WHO THE FUCK WAS IN THE FUCKING CAR. MY BOYFRIEND WAS WITH THEM” You swear you’ve never heard his voice this loud before. 

“Sir, if you are not the next of kin-“ 

“HOLY SHIT, YOU HAVE WATCHED ME TRY TO CALL HIS BROTHER SIX FUCKING TIMES. IS MY BOYFRIEND FUCKING ALIVE? JUST FUCKING TELL ME IF MY GODDAMN BOYFRIEND IS ALIVE” Dave grips the edge of the counter. You’re worried he might hit her. 

“Dave?” You say it quiet, tentative. You’re so fucking out of it, dazed, confused. 

“John, I told you to give me a goddamn minu- Kat? Karkat? Oh my god, lady, is this seriously Karkat or am I fucking hallucinating?” He turns around to look at you, eyes wide. 

“Of fucking course it’s me, you shit nugget, who the fuck else would it be?” At least you’ve still got your insults together. 

You blink and he’s on top of you. 

He’s so WET. Tears, you guess. 

“Karkat, Karkat, Karkat, fuck man, holy shit Karkat. You’re okay, holy shit dude, you’re fucking okay, Karkat dude, I fucking thought you were dead man, they wouldn’t tell me, they fucking wouldn’t tell us who else was in the car man, and you were supposed to be there, what happened Kat? What the fuck happened? God, you’re alive.” You can hardly understand him, he’s crying so hard. 

“Dave, I don’t know what’s going on.” It’s the first time your voice has cracked since you got off the phone with the doctor. 

“Neither do WE, dude. You wouldn’t answer your phone- where WERE you?” He asks. He hasn’t let go of you. If anything, he’s gripping you tighter. 

“I didn’t go with them. She wanted… time alone with him. I’ve been in the editing room.” You explain. 

“Holy shit.” 

“Hey Dave?” 

“Dude, you’re alive.” He peels himself away from you just far enough to look into your eyes, his hands on your face, like he’s trying to get himself to believe you’re really here. 

“Dave?”

“Yeah man?” 

“Why- how are you here? If they wouldn’t tell you about me? Because… I wasn’t there. And they called me about Gamzee? Oh my god. Dave. Dave? Dave. Gamzee’s dead.” You think you might be coming out of shock. 

Gamzee’s dead. 

Dave’s breath catches in his throat, like he’s hearing it for the first time. He can’t be hearing it for the first time- everyone’s here for Gamzee. 

“Dave why the fuck did they call you all about Gamzee? I thought I was listed as…” 

You don’t GET it. 

Dave’s lip is trembling. 

“They didn’t call us about Gamzee, Kat.” He whispers. 

“Dave, where’s Terezi?” 

He swallows, doesn’t say anything. 

“Dave, where IS she?” You’ve got a knot in your throat. 

He let’s out all the air he’s been holding in. 

“Dave where the mother fucking fuck is Terezi?” 

“Fuck, Kat.” His nails are digging into you. 

“Fucking tell me where she IS, Dave!” 

“Karkat, man, she’s dead, man.” 

You think it might be the first time he’s said it out loud. He can’t even stand once the words are past his lips, he’s crouching on the floor, arms wrapped around your calves. 

That doesn’t make any sense. His words, the things he’s saying to you, they don’t make any sense. 

You just saw her this morning. 

She ate chips. Your chips. There was cheese on her fingers and she rubbed them on your shirt. It’s still Dorito-orange, right there in the corner, right where her fingers were. 

You just saw her. 

She got into college. She showed you her admittance letter. 

She can’t be dead. 

You just saw her. 

“I have to go identify Gamzee’s body. N- nurse. I’m Karkat Vantas. I’m here to identify a body. Gamzee Makara.” 

That’s why you’re here. Not to talk about Terezi, who can’t be dead. You’re here to identify a fucking body. 

“I’ll just… need your license, Mr. Vantas.” The nurse tells you. 

Dave let’s you pull yourself out of his grip and walk over to the desk. 

“I’ll come with you.” He says. 

“Unfortunately, we can only allow those marked as the next of kin in our system in the morgue.” The nurse informs you. 

“Kat, please don’t leave me here.” 

“I have to identify the body.” You say again. 

You do. You have to go. You have to go identify the body. 

Someone comes to escort you down the hall. Alone. It’s even colder back here. 

You expected the morgue to smell like death. Like bodies. Like you remember death smelling back on Alternia, dirty and heavy and metallic. It smells like chemicals instead. It doesn’t make sense to you how Gamzee could be dead in a place like this. 

The doctor tries to warn you that the accident left him less than beautiful. You don’t understand until the sheet is folded back and his blood is everywhere and his face is less of a face than you remember. You feel like you should be disgusted. Most of him isn’t even there. But you see it. The resemblance. His big horns, the eyebrow. If his eyelid was open- the one that’s still there- you’re sure it’d open up to his big, smirking eye. 

“It’s him.” You tell them. 

You know. You know it is. 

You don’t know why you don’t feel sicker. 

“Terezi Pyrope. She’s- she was in the car. I used to date her.” You tell the doctor. He’s more forgiving than the nurse up front. He let’s you see her. 

She isn’t so bad. She isn’t so mangled. Not her face, not like Gamzee. They don’t let you see the rest of her. You don’t ask why. You don’t want to know. You take one of her hands, the one that’s visible, the only one she might have left anymore. You take it and fit it to the Dorito finger prints she left on your shirt this morning. They match perfectly, her tiny pale fingers on your shirt. She’s still so small. She’d only been eating again for a few weeks. When you grab hold of her wrist your fingers still close from tip to tip. 

You know you shouldn’t open her eyes. It’s rude, disrespectful. Fucked up. Sadistic. But you do. You have to see them. 

They’re cold. Lifeless. Dead. She’s dead. There’s no more annoying laughter, no more jokes, no more making you check her pulse or punching you when you fuck up or smashing her matching tattoo up against your boyfriend’s arm. 

She’s cold when you touch her. Her face, her wrist, the pads of her fingers. Colder than the air, colder than the tile on the floor in the hallway that you collapse onto when you’re out of that room. You hang your head in between your knees and hurl. 

On your walk back out to the waiting room, there’s an announcement for a janitor to head to the morgue. 

You’re responsible for that. 

Your vomit. 

Nepeta’s the first one to hug you when you get back out there. 

“I’m so so so glad you’re okay, Karkat.” She says. 

Dave is standing in the back, holding Rose’s hand. Rose, who barely knows any of you. Rose who must have ditched class to take care of her brother. 

You don’t see it coming when Vriska clocks you. You barely feel it when it happens, don’t register what’s going on until she’s pulled off of you, cursing and spitting, by Meenah and Equius. 

“YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THERE, VANTAS. SHE WOULDN’T BE DEAD IF YOU’D BEEN THERE LIKE YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE” She accuses. You aren’t sure you disagree with her. 

There’s a hand on your shoulder, green and cold. Caliborn. 

“Dirk brought his car. We will drive you home now, Crab Crab.” 

You think it might be the first nice thing Caliborn has ever said to you. 

You don’t think that’s a good sign. 

On your way out, you see Tavros. He didn’t get up to greet you. He’s sitting in a chair, looking at his hands. Sitting. Just sitting. 

Gamzee is dead.

No one says anything the entire ride back to your apartment. Dirk turns on the music so loud that none of you feel obligated to talk. Dave steals the controls and turns it up even louder. He doesn’t look at you, doesn’t touch you. You’re glad. You think you’d fall apart in the backseat if he did. 

Terezi’s Doritos are still on your sofa. You can’t look at them, so you head straight for the bedroom, undress. You hear Dave turn on the shower. He stays in there for a long time. 

Too long. 

You go in to check on him, and find him sitting on the bathtub floor, scratching at his tattoo so hard its started to bleed. His tattoo that fucking reads “Terezi Pyrope”. Fuck. 

You climb in there with him, pajama pants still on. 

“Please come to bed Dave.”

“I thought you were DEAD, Karkat.” He tells you again. 

“I’m not dead.” 

“Terezi’s dead.” 

“Terezi’s dead.” 

“Dude, I’m having a really hard time with this. Her name’s on my fucking arm, man. I… We saw her this morning.” He says, shaking. You don’t think he’s crying anymore, just fucking trembling under the increasingly cold water of the shower. 

“I should have gone with them.” You say. An apology, for her being dead. For not being dead too. Something. 

“No, no, no, no, no. This isn’t your fault, Kar. If you’d gone with them, you’d be dead too.” For the first time in a long time, you aren’t so sure that would be the worst fucking thing in the world. Dave can’t even see you sitting behind him like this, but hell, he knows you. Can sense what you’re thinking. 

He continues, “Kat, no, please, no. You need to be alive. I am so happy you’re alive. I thought you were dead, babe, I thought you were dead and it was killing me.”

You don’t respond. He kisses you. Kisses you like he needs you, like he wants you, like he’s going to take you. For half a fucking second, you feel happy. Happy because he hasn’t kissed you like this in months, hasn’t kissed you with anything but vague romantic depression behind his lips. 

But now he’s kissing you like this, with passion and need and lust, because Terezi is dead, and you are the most selfish pile of absolute shit in the universe. 

But then his hands are on you, on your face and neck and horns, and it’s all gone. All the thoughts, all the sadness, everything, everything but him is gone. 

You realize then that, holy shit, you need him, too. 

“Kar, I need you, I need you, Kar.” You rake your claws down his back so he knows that fuck, you need him, you need him too. 

It’s a mess of water and limbs and sopping wet clothes being strewn all over the house on your way to the bedroom. His lips are cold. They’re always colder than yours, but today with the icy hospital and the luke warm shower water evaporating off his skin in the chilly spring air, he’s freezing. 

“I want to make you warm.” You tell him, less so talking about his skin than this cold pain in his eyes. You press your lips back into him, running your tongue on the crease of his mouth. 

He moans in agreement, and uses his leverage beneath you to pull you down closer to him. He intertwines your legs and fuck, the chill of his own give you goosebumps. You put your hands on him, his shoulders, his sides, his hips- anything you can reach. 

“Can you be inside me tonight, Karkat?” It’s barely a whisper. If his mouth wasn’t chewing anguishing bites into your earlobe, you wouldn’t have heard it. 

Your bulge is out, instantly. 

He laughs, “Shit, dude, is that a yes?” 

“Shut the fuck up, douchebag” You bite him on the neck, playfully. 

The guilt of joking around hits you both at the same time, smiles wiped off your faces. How fucking dare you laugh when Terezi is dead? 

“Dave, she’s dead.” You say, and one more time for emphasis, “Terezi is dead.” 

“I know.” Of course he knows. 

“I need you, Dave.” It’s the first time you’ve said it aloud, ever. But you mean it. You mean it more than in the way your bulge is working its way up against his cunt. You mean you fucking need HIM. Dave Strider. You need him. 

“I love you Karkat, fucking hell.”

He parts his legs and you slide into him, seamlessly, effortlessly, like you’ve done a thousand times before. He’s perfect. He’s perfect on you lips and in your hands and writhing underneath you. His breath is hot, and god god, he won’t stop saying your name. He won’t stop thanking you for being alive. 

You hold onto him like he’s going to slip away from you because, god, it feels like everything is. 

You have no idea when he orgasms. 

You have no idea when you pail. 

One fucking minute you’re inside of him, and the next you’re both curled up in each other, covered in genetic fluid, crying. Fuck, the crying. 

“Dave, you can’t leave me.” You say. It’s something you’ve been worrying about for awhile, now. 

“I’m not going to leave you Karkat.” 

“I need you, Dave.” 

“I need you too, Karkat.” 

It’s not fair for you to say it. It’s not fair for you to need him. It’s awful and selfish and abusive but god, holy shit, Gamzee is dead. 

Gamzee is dead, and Terezi is dead, and she was just in your house and she’s fucking dead. You’re never going to see her again. 

Her Dorito fingerprints are still on your shirt. 

And you need Dave Strider.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i am sorry 
> 
> i also like do not think i did the sadness of this justice so i am liable to come back and edit the hell out of this chapter
> 
> tbh i cannot wait for comments on this one omg


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mercury is in fucking retrograde

“I don’t get why you’re wearing black.” Karkat’s voice is stuck in between a shout and a broken whisper. It’s kind of been like that for awhile, now. A week. 

“It’s just what you wear to funerals.” You explain. You’ve explained this a thousand times. You don’t have it in you to go on about it much longer. 

“HUMAN funerals. We don’t- she was- they weren’t humans. This isn’t how it should-“ He gets all choked up and slams the door to the bathroom, for the third time this morning. 

Yeah, you know. On Alternia, the bodies would have been left out to be eaten by god fucking knows what. Karkat doesn’t want that for her. He doesn’t want this for her, either, dressing up and playing Earth. Really, at the heart of it, he just doesn’t want her dead. 

Neither do you. 

But you’ve got to do something with the fucking body, don’t you? And what the fuck else is there? 

Karkat opens the bathroom door again. 

“Dave, what do I WEAR?” 

Your outfit was easy. TZ had a fucking obsession with your admittedly ill as fuck closet. She stole these pants from you on the fucking regular. You’re wearing them today, obviously, and her favorite black blazer. It’s the one she’d always make fun of, because “isn’t velvet for girls coolkid?”. It’s too hot for velvet today. You’re sweating. You don’t care. It’s her blazer, Terezi’s, yours, the jacket you shared. You’re wearing it to her goddamn funeral if it kills you. 

It isn’t so easy for Karkat. She always shrugged herself into his beat up t-shirts and mothball sweaters for bedtime, all the times she decided to sleep over after a long evening of doing fucking nothing with the two of you. Half of them are still balled up under her bed, you’re sure. None of you have been in her room, not since it happened. Vriska might be an exception. 

Vriska was probably always an exception with Terezi. 

Was.

God, the past tense still hurts. 

You don’t think Karkat can bring himself to wear them ever again, anyway, not with her cologne still on them, with her sweat stains still lining the armpits. 

He’s still naked in the bathroom. You’re gonna have to get your depressed shit together enough to take care of him today. You owe him that. Holy shit, you owe him one goddamn day of falling the fuck apart. 

“Kat, come ‘ere.” You grab him by the wrist and lead him to your shared bedroom, “You’re gonna wear my clothes today dude alright?”

You think it’ll make him feel better, having your shit wrapped around him all day. 

“They’re too big, Dave,” He whispers. 

“Fuck it. You look hella good in oversized shit, and my pants are skinny as fuck anyway.” You reassure him, beginning to button a simple black shirt that trails down a little too far past his ass. 

“I want to wear those black pants. The tight ones. The ones that make your ass look great.” He concedes, staring strait ahead of him, at the floor. At nothing. 

“The ones I never let you borrow? My special fucking pants, man?” You question.

He manages a smirk, “Yeah.” 

“Fuckin’ boyfriend, takin’ advantage of me n’ shit,” You’re kidding, he knows you’re kidding, and rummages around in your drawers until he finds them. 

If you’re being honest, they haven’t really fit you in a few months anyway. You may or may not have put on fifteen pounds during this whole depression bullshit, and he may or may not have lost a comparable amount of weight. You’d be worried about him, if you didn’t know for a fact he ate more healthily than you did. For him, it’s all the stress and constant state of motion for his job that has him gliding his ass into these ridiculously skinny pants. He looks good. Better than you ever did in them. You can’t remember why the fuck you’ve been so possessive of them this whole time when you could have been looking at him in them instead. 

“It feels wrong being in all black.” Karkat tells you again.

“I was… there’s a tie you can wear. I bought it for TZ, but never uh… but it’s teal. Got it cuz she’s always making fun of our blood color. Thought it’d be… anyway. Maybe uh, maybe you can wear it. Today. For her.” That was one of the hardest goddamn sentences of your life. 

Truthfully, you were going to wear it. You’d bought it to mock her for constantly harping on the color of your eyes, telling you to “wear more candy red, coolkid”. Also to fucking discourage her from constantly stealing your fucking ties. Chick did not understand boundaries when it came to other people’s wardrobes. 

Holy shit, you’re going to miss that. 

Karkat lets you put it on him, like in his movies. You stand in front of him with your palms on his collarbones, working on the knot. He looks at his feet the entire time, or maybe the tie. When he makes eye contact with you at the end of it, it isn’t romantic. Not like either of you expected, not like his films and novels promised it would be. 

You feel like you’re standing across the room from him, even with your fingertips still held firmly to the tie around his neck. 

“I can’t just wear her fucking color, Dave. She’s not the only- we’re going to pick up Tavros- and it’s- he’s having a funeral- he’s in a fucking coffin. I’ve got to find something purple, Dave. Gamzee is having a funeral. What about Gamzee?” He’s panicking, pulling away from you. You’re holding his arms to his sides, to prevent him from tearing at his skin with his claws. 

You haven’t talked about it, not really, it’s too soon, but he’s been doing that again. You’ve seen the claw marks he’s left down his arms, across his back. Of course you’ve fucking seen them. 

You forgot about Gamzee. You’ve all been forgetting about Gamzee. Except Karkat. Except Tavros. 

“I’ve got those flowers.” You offer. Given to you by Rose, obviously in her trademark purple, as condolences. You still don’t get why flowers are a sympathy gift. Mostly they’ve just been one more fucking thing you and Karkat have to worry about taking care of. 

They work for this, though. A single purple flower, pinned to the breast pocket of Karkat’s jacket. He almost looks like he’s going to prom. Sad prom. Funeral prom. Just Karkat, all in black. A teal tie. A purple flower.

God, today is awful. 

“Wait, fuck, we’re late Dave. Put on your fucking shoes, we have to GO.” He tells you. He can’t seem to tear his eyes off his reflection in the mirror. 

“C’mon, I’ll drive to Tavros’.” You agree. 

There’s three tickets on the car when you get outside. 

Now it’s your turn to flip the fuck out in 3, 2, 1…

“Holy shit, street cleaning. How the fuck could I forget about street cleaning, god damn, I don’t fucking understand why we’ve gotta do this shit three times a week, literally all I fucking do anymore is drive around this goddamn neighborhood looking for opposite fucking side parking, Karkat, what the actual fuck. The streets ain’t even clean, look at this shit, there’s trash everywhere, fuck this man, fuck this-“

Karkat grabs your shoulders. 

“Dave, shut the fuck up. It’s a couple of tickets. You’re loaded, this means nothing to you. Rose is taking the car back tonight. We don’t have to worry about this shit any more after today. We’re going to fucking be late. Give me the tickets and drive.” He says it softer than the words sound, fingertips pressing into you. 

“I don’t know if I can see him, Kat.” It’s what you’re really upset about. 

“We have to get in the car. We’re going to be fucking late.” 

He spends the ride to Tavros’ apartment bitching about the traffic and snarling out his window at pedestrians bold enough to cross the street during a “walk” signal. 

You know he’s just agreeing with you, in his own angry way. He’s not prepared to see Tavros, either. 

None of you have seen Tavros since the hospital. He rejects your calls and responds to knocks on his door with, “LEAVE ME ALONE, PLEASE”. The first time he reached out to anyone since Aradia brought him home from the ER last Saturday was yesterday evening in a simple text to you: “Pick me up on your way to the cemetery”. You have no idea what he’ll be like today. You do not expect for it to be good. 

It takes you fifteen minutes to find parking near his apartment. Karkat’s in a shaking rage, ready to force himself into Nitram’s apartment when you hear him standing, breathing, on the opposite side of the door for four and a half minutes after you knock. When he gets up the courage to open it, the smell hits you first- sweat and tears and vomit and blood. He’s only in boxers, eyes swollen from days of crying. His skin is dry where you grip him for support. Dehydration, you imagine. One of his horns is worn down on the side, like he’s been grinding it into powder. 

You turn to Karkat and whisper, “Please don’t yell”. 

He wasn’t going to. 

He reaches up to Tavros’ horn, the broken one. He flinches. It hurts, you know it hurts, you know horns can be sensitive. 

“Tavros, what the fuck happened?” Karkat asks. 

“I, uh, I guess I just wasn’t uh, I wasn’t expecting for him to die.” Tavros chokes out. 

Karkat hugs him. 

You just stand there, watching the only two people in the world who give a shit about Gamzee fucking Makara cry it out into each other’s arms. 

It feels like forever you’re just looking at them, shuffling your feet. Finally Karkat asks, “Have you eaten?” 

“Not today. Maybe not… yesterday. It’s hard to, uh, he used to, uh, do it, uh, he’d make the food and, uh, I-I-I don’t know where he keeps anything…” Tavros can barely talk. 

You’ve never seen him quite like this. Not even after his accident. He’d been devastated then, completely in shock, laughing miserably at his lifeless legs. This is nothing like that. There isn’t that little bit of detachment protecting him from his feelings until he could process his paralysis. He’s all here, all Tavros, completely engaging with all of his emotions and it’s too goddamn much for him. 

Karkat is going through his cabinets. 

“Tavros, there’s a lot of fucking rotten shit in here- I, fuck, shit, I’ve got to clean this out.” Karkat says. 

“Kar, you know that’ll make us la-“ You begin. Karkat cuts you off:

“I know. Get him a glass of water and go clean the puke out of the bathroom.” 

Yeah, okay, he’s right. Tavros is more important right now. You know that. Okay, vomit time. Which… really isn’t that bad. It mostly comes up off the floor with a few paper towels and some random tile cleaner. The summer heat just seems to be amp-ing up the smell. Karkat hands you a bag of trash when you’re back in the kitchen, which you happily run downstairs. When you get back into the apartment, Tavros is sitting with a giant glass of water and some toast. Karkat appears to be grating potatoes to make hash browns. 

Your stomach growls. 

You guess you guys sort of forgot to eat this morning, too. 

“Hey, Tav, you want me to help you get dressed while Karkat Ramsay over here whips us up something delicious?” You ask, doing your best to throw in a joke. 

“Is it fucked up to wear his clothes?” He looks up at you through big, sad eyes. Gamzee’s clothes will engulf him, he’s so small. 

“Nah, dude. I, ha, I’m only wearing shit TZ borrows- used to borrow- from me.” You tell him. 

Karkat stays quiet the whole time, looking at the pan. Maybe he’s crying. You don’t check. 

Gamzee didn’t own a whole lot of funeral appropriate clothing. Tavros kind of looks like complete shit. He doesn’t seem to mind, nose buried in the fabric. You’re sure it must smell like Makara. You never smelled him. You wouldn’t know for sure. None of you say a goddamn word while you eat. 

When you finally make it to the cemetery, everyone’s there waiting. Everyone, and two coffins. Side by side. Two fucking coffins. 

Tavros bolts for Aradia the second he’s out of the car. It’s just you and Karkat walking this shitty little path to this shitty little place. 

“Man, it’s really sunny. Shouldn’t it be fucking raining or some shit? Gloomy grey clouds hovering over us, we whip out our black umbrellas and some fucking asshole has like a red one or some shit. Gotta be all like, man, this is a funeral. Where’s your funeral umbrella man? Fuck, Kat, it’s sunny as hell. Sun’s practically smiling at us.” You’ve lost track of what you’re talking about. 

Karkat takes your hand in his, and runs a thumb across your own. 

“Karkat, I don’t wanna go.” You tell him. 

“She’s dead whether you go or not.” He tells you, voice low, hand gripping you tighter. 

Yeah, you fucking know that. Of course you fucking know that, you aren’t a complete moron. Doesn’t mean that feels true. Doesn’t mean a part of your brain is itching to drive back to your apartment, because TZ fucking has to be sitting there man, and the two of you will laugh about that time everyone thought she died. 

“Dave, I can’t do this without you.” Karkat says. He still can’t look at you. He’s pretending this wildly inappropriate sun has his eyes watering, but you know it’s tears. You all know. 

“Can you just… fuck. What do we do?” You’re not really asking him. He doesn’t know, either. 

“They’re literally staring at us. We have to fucking walk over there.” He doesn’t want to. He doesn’t move a muscle. 

“I can’t, man, I can’t do it, I can’t see her.” You can’t. Fuck, god. You don’t know how he did in the morgue, you can’t imagine, you couldn’t have seen them.

“Please come with me.” Is all he says. He remains standing still. 

“Dude, fuck, they really are all looking at us.” 

“We can do this.” 

“Shit.” 

You don’t really notice the walk once it’s happening. It’s just a few short paces across this short, green grass. They must have to fertilize the hell out of this lawn to get it looking so good. How much money do cemeteries spend on landscaping? Hell, is that why these two plots were so fucking expensive? You spent a whole lot of dollars on these two plots, side by side. You aren’t even happy they’re side by side. No one is, really. Maybe Karkat. He went back and forth on it. Lots of arguing with himself in the shower. It’s cute, when he talks to himself out loud. In the shower. Karkat in the shower-

“Dave, you do realize you’re starting to whisper out loud?” Rose is at your side now, standing in this group of people around these two mother fucking open caskets in the middle of a cemetery. Karkat is still holding your hand. He has to do his eulogy, soon. 

He and Vriska both demanded no church, which, really, no one complained about. Only reason you suggested it is because it’s what humans seem to fucking do. So, yup. Services all held at this fucking cemetery. 

Vriska’s up there talking. 

You don’t pretend to listen to her talking about Terezi. 

Instead you look at her. At TZ. Or the thing that used to be TZ. This corpse that looks so god damn familiar but definitely is no longer Terezi fucking Pyrope. She’s decked out in this stupid pantsuit that makes her look incredible. God, she’s beautiful. Maybe you didn’t think about that enough when she was still alive. She is so, so, so beautiful. And now she’s going to be in a box. Forever. 

Karkat has to talk about Gamzee. It takes him awhile to get the nerve to let go of you to do it. You don’t even have time to feel the negative space where his hand used to be before John is replacing it, looking for comfort, looking to comfort you. 

You’re all going through this. Not just you and Karkat. Shit. 

You’ll tell Karkat later that his eulogy was eloquent, moving. You don’t think you heard a word of it. Just the sound of his voice forming incomprehensible syllables against your eardrums. 

You think his voice is beautiful, too. Not in the way you think TZ is beautiful, not peaceful and soft and smooth. It’s cracking and high pitched and desperate. Something about that frequency in the sunlight next to two corpses seems perfect. Or not right at all. 

Maybe you’re having trouble making sense of things. 

Rose has to steady you when the coffins are closed. 

Nepeta opens the grip of your fingers when you try to place a rose on Terezi’s casket and forget how your fingers work. 

You sit with Karkat in the car for half an hour before driving to the reception. 

Reception is a shitty word for the gathering after a funeral. You tell that to Karkat, sleeves rolled up from the afternoon heat. 

He tells you again that it’s his fault she died. 

You don’t say anything back to him, because the only goddamn thing you can think is, “I am so glad it was her and not you”. 

You’re so fucked up. The universe doesn’t work in ultimatums like that. It wasn’t her or Karkat. It was just her, just Gamzee. Not for any reason. Just fucking because. Or, maybe, the universe does work like that. Maybe somewhere in some timeline Karkat is dead and you’re staring down his lifeless face in a coffin right now. Maybe this you lucked out. 

Yeah, no, definitely never saying that to Karkat. 

He lets you stop at a convenience store to buy a pack of cigarettes. You haven’t had one since college, since Tavros was in the hospital. You thought Karkat would be chill about it back then, would let you have one fucking cigarette. That was probably terrible logic on your part, expecting Karkat not to flip out. He did flip out. Obviously. Cursing you out until you dropped it on the ground, and you both stood there thinking about how, shit, this was the worst thing that could possibly happen to one of your friends. And then you kissed, for the second time, and it was nice. It was the first time you could tell, for sure, that he wanted you, that it wasn’t some fluke of luck that he’d kissed you at all in the first place, that he was yours. 

You know he’s got to be thinking of that day, too, as you light up outside the restaurant where you’re meeting everyone. They’ve all got to be inside already, you’re sure of it. 

“I can’t watch you do this.” He says, eyes fixated on he cigarette. 

“I can meet you inside.” You tell him. 

“Can you please hurry?” Karkat just said ‘please’. Are you breaking him with the smoking? Was he breaking already? Fuck.

“Yeah, dude. I’m sorry, man. I just needed something to take the edge off.” Your hand might be shaking. Today was hard and confusing and terrible.

It didn’t feel like closure at all. How the shit is a funeral supposed to feel?

“I wish I had something that could do that.” He confides. 

All you can think is ‘what about me?’. You don’t say it out loud to him. You’ve been thinking a whole lot of terrible selfish things today that really, really, you should never say to him. 

Instead, you grab him and kiss him. He kisses you back, and grumbles about the taste of tobacco on breath as he walks inside. 

You see him smile, though, for a second. For just a second, you made him smile, and it makes you feel better than you have all week. 

You might be really fucked up. You’re, like, really, honestly out of control in love with him. Maybe it’s just Terezi, this day, this week. But god, you feel like this has been going on all year. That the only times you are honestly happy are when he’s around, and you’re making him laugh. Sometimes it feels like he’s the only thing you’re living for, or something. 

Man, you’ve got to get your shit together. You need Karkat so goddamn much you want to cry, all the time, and it’s not good or okay and you are one hundred percent going to freak him out and ruin everything if you don’t fix this. 

“Shit, you too?” A voice asks from next to you. It’s Aradia, lighting up a cigarette of her own. 

“God damn, Megido, you’re a doctor and shit, you aren’t supposed to be susceptible to the temptation of sweet sweet nicotine.” You say. 

She laughs, “I’m not a fucking doctor yet. Besides its...” 

“A special occasion?” You finish for her. 

“Yeah. That. When’d you get here, anyway? Did Karkat not come with you?” She asks.

“Uh, he went inside before I did.” You’d be more worried if you didn’t physically watch him walk through the door. It’s a small restaurant, there’s not much room for him to get lost. 

“Oh. Must have missed him.” She squints. 

“Is Tavros… functional?” You can’t believe the kid is out right now. Seems like he needs to sit in bed and cry for a few more weeks. 

“I wish I could be here for him. Move back in with him, something. Maybe I-“

“Aradia, I swear to god, do not drop out of med school. I’ll take care of him.” You reassure her. 

She side-eyes you, “Dave, we can all pretty plainly see you can barely take care of yourself right now.” 

Ouch. Fuck. Right in the wound, shit Aradia. No one else has been that blunt about it. 

“I’m working on it.” You tell her. 

“Aren’t we all.” 

She leans into you, and you smoke in silence, until:

“Oh, fuck, Dave.” 

“Uh, what’s up Aradia?” You question her.

“Vriska.”

“Yeah, she tends to be the worst.” You agree. 

“No, no, Dave. She- ten minutes ago, she got up from the table looking all pissed off. What if she saw-“

“Karkat. Fuck.” 

You hand her your still-lit cigarette and bust inside. You see a table full of your friends straight ahead. Vriska and Karkat are ominously absent. You veer right, towards the bathrooms. There’s a single stall. The door is locked. You can hear Vriska talking. Shit, shit, shit. 

“Vriska. Vriska, what the fuck, let me in, holy shit. I will call the cops Vriska, I swear to-“

The door opens. 

“What, Dave? What the fuck do you want?” She looks furious. Karkat looks calm. Too calm. He’s got a piece of chalk in his hand. 

There’s a blackboard covering the far wall, the wall closest to him. He’s written all over it. No, not him. Vriska. Through him. Holy shit, she’s using her fucking powers to control Karkat. This is honestly fucking terrifying. 

You don’t really notice yourself lining up to punch her until your fist collides with her face. 

Mind controlling your boyfriend is an okay circumstance to hit someone, right?

It seems to jostle her enough to get Karkat back, either way. 

“YOU THINK TEREZI WOULD WANT YOU DOING THIS?” He’s yelling at her. You’ve got your back pressed against the wall, looking at the blue blood on your hand.

“I can’t believe you have the nerve to try to tell me what she would want.” Vriska sneers back. 

“Pretty sure I’m the only one who knew she wanted one fucking conversation with Gamzee.” Karkat snarls. 

“What, she told you she wanted to die in a car crash with him?” Fuck, that’s too far, Vriska. 

You look at the writing on the wall. Over and over, it’s just “I killed her I killed her I killed her”. Fuck, fuck, fuck. 

She’s got her hand on her temple and Karkat is hers again. It’s his voice you’re hearing, but her words:

“Maybe I teach you a lesson, Vantas. Maybe I make you realize what a killer you are by tearing out your boyfriend’s throat with your own fucking hands, so he knows how she felt, so you know how I feel. Maybe I don’t do it today, maybe I let you go and do it when you’re least expecting it, when you’re laying in bed together, when you’re-“

“Vriska what the FUCK are you doing?” It’s all you can say. Honestly, honestly, what is she doing?

It’s still Karkat she speaks through, “Shut up, Dave, this doesn’t concern you.” 

“She would hate this, Vriska.” You tell her. 

Still as Karkat, “She’s dead.” 

“She still matters, Vriska.” You say. 

This time, as herself, in her own voice, she answers you, “You think I don’t know that?” It has less bite behind it than you think she intended. 

Karkat mutters, still shaking from the invasion, “Get out, Vriska. Get out, get the fuck out, get your shit together. You don’t get to do this to me because you lost her. I lost her too. I fucking lost her too.” 

“I am happy to make you leave, dude.” You tell her, reinforcing him. 

“This isn’t the end of this, Vantas. I’ll take care of you. You’ll get what’s fucking coming.” She warns. She brushes past you when she leaves, a passive aggressive shoulder bump.

You honestly don’t know if she’s serious or if it’s just the grief. You don’t have time to care right now, not with Karkat a shaking mass on the floor. 

“Sh-it. She hasn’t… that hasn’t happened to me since high school. It makes your head feel fucking terrible.” Karkat chokes out, eyes closed. You crouch down next to him on the bathroom floor, but don’t try touching him yet- you think it might be too much stimulation still. 

“You know she’s wrong, right Karkat?” You ask him because you know he’s been feeling guilty, and you can’t let him keep thinking that way.

“We all know this is my fault. I’m fucking trash who couldn’t listen to my friends long enough to know it was a terrible idea to let them go off alone together. I let her die.” He says the words slow to let them sink in. 

“No, you fucking didn’t Karkat. It was an accident.” You’ve said it a hundred times. Maybe he’ll never listen. 

“I was supposed to protect her, Dave. She was my- fuck. I was supposed to be the one to protect her.” He swallows hard. 

This hits a sour fucking note with you. Yeah, you get it. You get how that feels. You found yourself thinking about Terezi that way, too. And Karkat. And before the both of them, Jade. Jade was… always an issue, back in high school. You don’t want Karkat feeling the way for Terezi that you felt about Jade. Not romanticways, you know this isn’t romantic, just- knightways. Knightways gets self destructive so fucking fast. 

“I know you wanted to, man, okay? But nothing could have stopped this.” 

He changes the subject, “I’m terrified that psychotic fucking bitch is going to make me kill you. Actually, Dave. She’s done some… she could do it.” 

You put your arms around him and don’t say anything because the only thing you’re thinking is ‘shit, I cannot imagine a better way to die’. 

That’s so fucked up. 

\-----------------------------------------------------

You feel like you’re dreaming. You have for weeks, months, an entire summer. You got that phone call from the hospital and reality slipped away from you and you’re only just starting to get it back. You aren’t even so sure you’re getting it back so much as the chill of fall is sinking its claws into your skin and dragging you back to the world. You’re feeling things like laughter and love and excitement again. Those feelings make it all too easy to slip into a memory of Terezi, and the guilt and grief and loss wash over you all too real, all too powerful. 

You’re having a hard time deciding whether you preferred the derealization or the torment of flipping back and forth between positive emotion and remembering that Terezi is dead. 

You think the thing you feel the worst about is how well you’re doing. 

It’s not that you didn’t take time off. You did. You spent weeks in your apartment, in John’s apartment, in Tavros’ apartment, just sitting and thinking about your dead friends and trying to figure out what to do with all their STUFF. None of you drank or laughed or played games or watched comedies. It seemed taboo to try to feel alright. 

It got to be too much, though. You asked Dave one day how long you all had to wait before it was appropriate to do fun things again. He didn’t have an answer for you, just looked at you with a stare that read “I wasn’t doing fun things even before she died”. 

You still don’t know how to fix that. 

On the bright side, you guess, Vriska hasn’t used her freaky mind power bullshit to invade your brain and make you strangle the life out of him in his sleep. That’s always a plus. 

You hate to admit it- and are actually kind of fucking terrified to believe it- but Vriska has been… nice. Okay, so ‘nice’ is never the right word with her. Not completely homicidal might fit better. Something. She holed herself up in her apartment with John for a really fucking long time after the funeral. John kept assuring you all she was doing fine, and was trying to work out the revenge anger shit. Then, a few weeks later, she showed up on your doorstep out of the fucking blue, Meenah at her side, wanting to know when the fuck you were going to get off your lazy ass and start filming their protests again. 

So you’ve been doing that with her all summer. 

A fucking part of you is still scared shitless that this is all an elaborate Vriska plan to lure you in and take revenge. There’s nothing you can really do about it, either way. She can control you from anywhere. Might as well get some social justice shit taken care of in the meantime. 

It also just feels… right. Hanging out with her. It’s not that you don’t like your college friends. Well, okay, for the most part they’re annoying and out of their damn think pans, but you love them. They still didn’t… know Terezi like you did, like Vriska did. They weren’t there the whole time, before her addiction and eating disorders. 

You know Dave loved her. Honestly, you fucking do. But all he ever got to see was train wreck Terezi. All he ever got to feel was pity and worry and empathy. 

Vriska is the only person in the fucking universe that knows damn well Terezi Pyrope was better than you, better than all of you, that she should have been something great, beautiful, magnificent. That the world will honest to fucking god be a worse place with her dead. 

Not just because you miss her. 

Because she was supposed to do something that no one else can. 

You don’t even know what that is, you just know it can’t happen anymore with her gone. 

You’ve been avoiding going back home- your first home on earth, your home with Kankri- for longer than just this summer. With Terezi gone, suddenly absent from that place, you’d kind of resigned yourself to never going back there again, ever, under any circumstances. 

But the city is trying to tear down half of the troll housing, leaving hundreds of families homeless. Kankri is terrified. They all are. 

You and Vriska have enough media sway that you feel like you’ve got to go and cover this shit. You need to convince people to protest, to pressure their elected representatives to vote against it. You need to be talking to lawyers about legal options, talking to tenants about where they can go if they are forced out, recording their stories, sending it to major news outlets. Anything you can. 

It’s going to be fucking awful being there. 

You’ve been avoiding the topic with Dave, until he brings it up with you. 

“I know you’ve gotta go back there dude.” He says one night, out of fucking nowhere. You’re both on your respective laptops, his head resting on your calves. 

“Can you handle me going there?” You ask. He tenses up. He fucking hates it when you treat him like that, like he needs you there to take care of him. Which is fucking stupid, because he does. He does need it. He tells you all the goddamn time. 

“Yeah.” His single word reply. 

“You could come.” You offer. You know he won’t. 

“Maybe the alone time would be good for me, man.” Maybe. Nothing else has been. He continues, “You gonna go to TZ’s old place?” 

“I kind of fucking have to. Latula would be… and Vriska isn’t going to go there alone. I know Latula wants to move out. She could use our help going through Terezi’s stuff. I’m sure Kurloz hasn’t done jack shit with Gamzee’s hell hole of a basement, either. There’s probably still drugged out trolls down there who have know idea Gamzee hasn’t been there in years.” You don’t want to go. God, you don’t want to go. 

“If you needed me to, I could…” Dave tries to offer, but stops short. 

“No. Stay here. I need you to…” To get better. You don’t say it. He knows. 

“If it gets too much, call up Roxy. Or Jake and Jane. It’s only like a few hundred bucks for a plane ticket that’ll get you over there in less than two hours. I can pay, dude.” It’s really fucking nice that he still tries his hardest to be there for you, even when he doesn’t have the emotional capacity. 

“Just what I need, more Striders and Egberts in my fucking life.” 

“Hey, you seem like you can’t get enough of this one.” 

He pushes your laptop to the side and crawls up on you, leaving ticklish butterfly kisses up your torso until his mouth reaches yours. 

One of you moves in precisely the wrong way, and your laptop goes crashing to the floor. 

“Oh, FUCK, sorry.” Dave curses, and hangs his torso off the side of the bed to see if it’s alright. The piece of shit technology starts emitting this horrifying “eeeeeeeee” sound. 

Dave looks back at you with big, wide eyes, waiting for you to scream at him. 

You crack the fuck up, and he joins you, side splitting laughter echoing louder than the scream of your laptop. You are so positive that you haven’t backed up a series of important documents, but it all seems so goddamn hilarious with Dave’s chest vibrating on top of yours. 

You leave a week later with a small suitcase. Dave wakes up for the first time since the funeral before two in the afternoon, and kisses you goodbye, and watches you out the window when you get into your cab. 

You try your hardest to pretend you can’t feel how upset he is. 

 

Kankri is happier to see you than you are comfortable with. It’s also a bit unsettling how… nice it is to be around him, to look at his stupid bearded face. After approximately half an hour of talking with him- or being talked at, really- you’re back to loathing him and swearing to never visit again if he doesn’t shut the fuck up for ten minutes. 

What’s bothering you most is all his questions about Dave. Jesus fuck, Kankri, you don’t know why he’s not here, either. You don’t know what he’s been doing since he graduated, other than “jack shit”. You don’t even know how to answer the basic fucking question of “how is your matesprit” with anything other than a raised-voice rant about how, no, your relationship does not fit into the quadrants thrust upon trolls by a political system bent on oppression of the lower classes via forced reproduction. 

You swear he looks proud of you as you’re saying it. 

It makes you kind of sick, thinking you might be like him. Like Kankri. 

You know shit is getting serious when you’re actually enthusiastic about Vriska fucking Serket knocking on the door. She must be done with her own fake-familial reunion, then. Must be ready to head over to Terezi’s. 

The place that used to be Terezi’s. 

Latula’s. 

“How was your flight, Vantas?” Even now, months later, when you’re out here together for work, she hates you. You feel it in every syllable. You’d be worried, being out here alone with her, if you thought her goal was killing you. It isn’t. She’d never let you off that easy. 

“Fucking better than this conversation,” You reply, motioning back towards Kankri. 

“You know I can hear you, right Karkat? I have been inquisitive about your well being, and I would appreciate an apology-“ 

You cut him off, “Fuck off, Kankri, I have to go clean out my dead friends’ houses before a weekend of political bullshit.” 

His voice softens at the mention of Terezi and Gamzee, “Text me on your way back. I’ll make dinner. Ms. Serket, you and your sister are welcome here, too. And Latula, if she is up for it…” 

“Not Kurloz?” Vriska grins. 

Kankri grimaces, “If, if Kurloz is interested in…” 

You’re out the door before he can finish his false invitation. You get why he’s so upset. Kankri spent ten years of his life with those two assholes barging in and out of his house. He lectured Gamzee about smoking a dozen times, and had to drag Terezi off your lap more than you’d care to admit. Apparently pailing in the house was “inconsiderate”. Yeah, god, you get why he misses them. They were always around. Always. 

“Sorry he called her your sister,” You say to Vriska, in reference to Aranea. Kankri of all people should know human familial structure doesn’t apply to trolls. 

“She probably is, Vantas, at this fucking point. You really trying to tell me you and Kankri don’t have some estranged brother shit going on?” Vriska points out. 

“I’ve seen human siblings. This isn’t like that.” You object.

She just rolls her eyes. 

This is going to be an awkward fucking trip.

Before you get to Terezi’s- shit, to Latula’s- you check your phone. 

TG: the mayor is so pissed that youre gone   
TG: he probably needs a picture of your face to make it through without you  
CG: IM NOT TAKING A SELFIE IN FRONT OF VRISKA JACKASS  
CG: UNLESS YOU WANT ME TO SPEND THE REST OF MY TRIP BEING LAUGHED AT  
TG: she can prolly find something else to make fun of bro  
TG: might as well grace me with a picture in the meantime

You send him a nice fucking juicy one of your middle finger.

TG: oh yeah  
TG: thats the shit im talkin about

Latula looks like hell. 

“Hey, kids, what’s up? So uh, I haven’t really touched, anything. If you want to uh- just take whatever you want. I’ve got, a couple things you know. Ha, shit, this is stupid, look at me getting all emotional.” Yeah, she’s a fucking mess. 

“Kankri invited you over. If you don’t want to be here.” You tell her. Doesn’t really look like she wants to be. 

She smiles, faintly, “Haven’t seen him in awhile. We used to hang out all the time when you and Terezi were… Right. Yeah. I think I’ll… take a walk, visit Kankri. I’ll see you later. Karkat, V… Vriska.” 

“She couldn’t even look at me. Pathetic.” Vriska says, once Latula is gone. She… is pretty obviously covering up how upset she is. 

You spend awhile just sitting on Terezi’s bed while Vriska sorts through stuff. She’s pissed off, shoving things into trash bags and boxes. 

“It still smells the same.” You comment, aloud, stupidly. 

“Yeah, I fucking know. Are you going to help me, or just sit there?” Vriska retorts. 

There’s a lot of shit to throw away. Terezi was a fucking hoarder, apparently. You and Vriska fight over which of her homemade scalemates you each get to keep, until you open her closet and a hoard of them come spilling out. 

You can’t help but laugh. This is ridiculous. Completely fucking ridiculous. Terezi was insane, out of her fucking mind, she made like a hundred of these shits and you had no idea. 

You’re so caught up in the absurdity that it takes you a few minutes to notice that Vriska does not find this funny. She’s- holy hell, she’s crying. Vriska… doesn’t cry. Fuck, fuck, fuck. 

“She was out of her fucking mind, Vantas!” She shrieks at you. 

“Vriska-“ You try for an arm on her shoulder, but she shrugs away. 

“She wasn’t supposed to die!” 

“I know, Vris.” 

“NO! No, no, no you fucking don’t Vantas. I know you had your little thing with her in high school, okay? I know you feel like she’s your special fucking princess, but she wasn’t. She was never YOURS, Karkat. You have Dave, you have Dave to go home to and love and- and I have no one. She’s gone. She was mine, and she’s gone.” Her hands are shaking. There’s blue tears everywhere. 

“Vriska, you aren’t going to be alone forever. You have friends who, for some god forsaken reason, really fucking care about you.” You try to reassure her. 

“I’ll never love someone like I loved her.” She admits. 

“She’d probably haunt your ass, if you did.” You elbow her. She smiles, just a little, through the tears. 

“You know she made these things because she never met her lusus?” Vriska tells you, kicking at a scalemate. 

“What? She never met- she never fucking told me that.” Holy shit, you can’t believe she never found that worthy of mention. You talked her ear off about your lusus. 

“Unhatched dragon egg. Died before it was born in the fire that destroyed her house. Lucky I was there to tear her away from it.” Vriska sighs. 

“I always for get you knew each other that long.” You say. 

“Did she ever tell you the real story of how I blinded her? Not the bullshit ones we’d make up.” Vriska asks. 

“Nope. I asked her a million and a half times. Apparently I wasn’t fucking worthy of the real story. She was dodgy as fuck about it, or would go off on those stupid riddles.” Yeah, that always pissed you off. 

“I guess it’ll just be between me and her, then.” Vriska smiles again. 

She probably needs it, the secret, as much as it kills you to know there’s so much about Terezi that you’ll never find out about. 

Dave texts you again. It’s the perfect timing, gives Vriska a few seconds to get her shit together. 

TG: ok everything is terrible  
CG: WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG NOW  
TG: the milk went bad dude  
TG: right in the middle of making pancakes and theres no milk  
CG: THERES A BODEGA LITERALLY ACROSS THE STREET FROM US JACKASS  
TG: fuuck  
TG: ill just wait  
TG: to eat  
TG: till you get home  
CG: I SWEAR TO GOD IF I GET BACK AND YOU HAVEN’T HAD FOOD IN FIVE DAYS, I WILL SHOVE AN ENTIRE HEAD OF LETTUCE UP YOUR ASS  
TG: is that supposed to be sexy 

“Karkat, check this out. Her shitty photo albums.” Vriska calls you over. 

Fuck, the photo albums. You’d forgotten about these completely. 

Terezi always complained about the shit viewing quality computers had for images. Or, shit, smell quality. Taste quality. God that will never stop being a little fucking creepy. Point is, you all pooled your money and got her a polaroid and a shit ton of film so she could take all the photos she wanted, of all the people she wanted. 

Turns out Terezi is a terrible photographer. Who the fuck would have guessed a blind girl is shit at working a camera, right? She wasted a hell of a lot of expensive film taking pictures of the floor until you all realized she had a knack for accidental pictures of hilarious social shit. 

There’s the one she was trying to take of you flipping her off that ended up capturing Gamzee with his finger firmly up his nose, or the selfie of her and Vriska in biology that ended up providing photographic evidence that, yup, Josh from the football team definitely was giving hand jobs under the lab tables during class. 

“I can’t believe how many times I’ve had to look at that dude’s cock,” You groan, pointing at the anonymous dick Josh’s hand is wrapped around. 

“There’s some choice candid Karkat in here, too, if I remember correctly. What was the good one? Too drunk to close the bathroom door while you were pissing?” Vriska is laughing now, flipping through the book trying to find this mortifying picture. 

“Okay, I wasn’t the embarrassing one that night. YOU flashed a fucking cop.” You remind her. 

“AND I ran fast enough to get away from him.” She grins. 

“You made Terezi steer your bike while you sat on the handlebars. You didn’t run fucking anywhere. Also, jesus fuck, you let a BLIND GIRL drunk ride your bike, you’re lucky neither of you shit brains died.” You chose the wrong words, and the laughter stops. “Shit, sorry.” 

There’s silence, just staring at this one page of photographs. 

There’s one of your eleventh grade English classroom, Gamzee and some random stoner kid posing by the chalkboard. Half of Gamzee’s face is cut off by Terezi’s shitty aim. Two more photos are just landscapes- one of the hell hole you called high school, right in the middle of winter when things are dead and dark, and one from the beach you all used to go to every summer, all summer. Or, okay, they would go to, and you’d occasionally be dragged along. 

She has one of you and Vriska in a deep argument. You’re all red faced and spitting, and Vriska’s grinning down at you pointing at you with her annoying fucking fingers. Looks like not so much has changed over the past six years, after all. 

The picture that has you choked up is one that you honestly didn’t know Terezi had taken of you. It’s out in this old playground a few blocks from the troll quarters. Judging by your sweater, it must have been fall. You’re sitting on one of the big wooden structures there with Gamzee, feet dangling onto the tire-ladder below. You’re in the middle of talking- holy Christ, you’re in the middle of talking in all of these photos- and he’s sitting there smiling at you, all serene. One of your hands is casually resting on his thigh, and his arm is around you, and it looks so fucking peaceful and nice and… diamonds. 

You’ve spent a whole lot of fucking years ignoring the moiraillegiance you and Gamzee systematically destroyed. Now here it is staring you the fuck in the face.

And he’s dead. 

The person in this picture isn’t even the dude Gamzee ended up being. You shouldn’t be sad about this. This isn’t the person that died. The person that died was an abusive drug addict, albeit a recovering one. 

This picture is just of some stupid fucking teen you don’t even know anymore. You lost this guy a long time ago. Mourned him. 

You don’t know how to mourn the person Gamzee ended up being. 

You don’t know if you want to. 

You feel fucking sick. 

Vriska’s gaze is fixated on a selfie Terezi took, eyes closed and teeth bared in a ridiculous smile. Yeah, yeah, that one hurts too. They all fucking hurt. All these pictures of the kids you used to be, who had no fucking idea half of you would be dead in another decade. 

Fuck. 

You check your phone again. 

TG: hey kat   
TG: shit never mind  
TG: no ok wait dude are you around  
TG: guess not  
TG: ok never mind again 

He sent them over a twenty-minute time span. He’s obviously flipping the fuck out.

CG: WELL I JUST GOT MY THINK PAN BURNED OUT BY OLD PICTURES OF ME AND GAMZEE.  
CG: HOW THE FUCK ARE YOU?  
TG: shit  
TG: you miss him and stuff man  
CG: YOU’RE BEING JEALOUS RIGHT NOW AREN’T YOU?   
TG: im just havin a hard day damn give a bro a break  
TG: all jumpin on my case without even askin whats up  
TG: thats some straight up psychoanalysis bullshit right there   
TG: i tell you one word and you start telling me all my thoughts and feelings and penis envy and shit  
TG: ok so you didnt mention the penis envy   
TG: and im not a girl  
TG: but then theres the whole maybe id be happier with a penis thing  
TG: or ok i mean ive got some  
TG: theyre just detachable   
CG: DAVE  
TG: and im pretty down with the junk i got most of the time man  
CG: DAVE  
TG: i guess maybe recently i havent been so much ok with anything though haha  
CG: HOLY SHIT DAVE.  
TG: oh  
TG: whats up   
CG: ARE YOU OKAY.  
TG: everything is  
TG: fine  
CG: DO YOU NEED ME TO COME HOME.  
TG: no man you gotta stay and do your shit  
TG: is tzs ok  
CG: NOPE ITS TERRIBLE AND I MISS HER AND SHE WAS A FUCKING HOARDER WHO TOOK A LOT OF CREEPY PICTURES OF ME WITHOUT MY CONSENT.  
CG: BUT I’M DOING…  
CG: OKAY I GUESS.  
CG: BETTER THAN VRISKA, AT LEAST.   
CG: LISTEN, DAVE, I KNOW YOU’RE HAVING A SHITTY TIME. JUST TELL ME WHAT’S GOING ON.  
TG: i feel like shit man  
TG: i always do  
TG: and i miss you   
CG: WHY DON’T YOU JUST COME HERE. WE COULD GO SEE ROXY AND THE EGBERTS WHEN I’M DONE HERE. OR YOU COULD GO ALONE, WHATEVER.  
TG: i cant man we got the cat and i got zero motivation and you know all that good shit  
CG: DAVE I’M FUCKING WORRIED ABOUT YOU.  
TG: nah  
TG: its cool  
TG: im just  
TG: gonna go

“We should start packing.” You say to Vriska. She looks up at you, eyes a little watery. 

“I’m not going to kill Dave.” She replies

“Fucking wonderful. See how goddamn happy I am to hear the news that you’ve stopped being a complete psycho bitch?” You point at your smile-less face. 

“Ugh, fuck you Vantas! Do you have any idea how much I- how it kills me to not- holy shit, you have me at an actual loss for words. God, I can’t do this with you.” She stands up like she’s going to leave, but turns around to continue, “You should be fucking kissing my feet for sparing you.” 

“I didn’t fucking kill her Vriska! There are a hundred and one fucking things I hate myself for regarding Terezi, but I didn’t fucking KILL her.” You shout. God, you haven’t said that out loud yet. You’ve… been thinking it for awhile. That it wasn’t your fault. Which had you feeling guilty. But it wasn’t. It wasn’t your fucking fault. 

“Augh, fuck, I KNOW, okay?” 

You were not expecting Vriska to agree with you. 

“I’ve been talking to the lawyers working on the case, asshole. It wasn’t- Gamzee was driving fine. It was the other guy’s fault. You being there would have… I wish it would have been you, rather than her. But if you being in that car meant it was going to be all three of you? I’m just. Glad it wasn’t.” It looks like it literally pains her to say this. 

“So you’re just letting me off the hook?” You ask. 

“Hell no. You still let her run off with him. I’m going to torment the shit out of you. Just… not by making you kill your boyfriend. Seems a little excessive. Besides, these revenge games aren’t as fun when Terezi isn’t around to try to get all justice bullshit on me.” Vriska smiles, sad, nostalgic. You do not have any fucking idea how their weird murder games were fun but, sure, fuck it, apparently that’s just a good time. 

“I’ve been avoiding the lawyers calls.” You admit to her. The representative in charge of Gamzee’s case keeps trying to contact you. You don’t understand the law or court or how this works but you’re about thirty percent fucking sure you want nothing to do with it. 

You don’t feel entitled to Gamzee’s money. You and he- you weren’t close enough. You don’t even get how you were listed as next of kin. Probably some bullshit he pulled back when he first got to Earth or something. You guess he’s the only one with the real answer to that question, so you’ll never find the fuck out. 

“Vriska, why did they call you about Terezi and not Latula?” It dawns on you now that this is strange as fuck. 

“Oh, well, we figured back when she was still in rehab and psychiatric facilities that it would just be easier for me to be able to be the one to access her records and get calls from her doctors and shit. So we got married. Only way to work around the human legal system, really.” She says it like it’s old news. 

“EXCUSE ME? MARRIED?” You’re going to have a panic attack. 

“What? It’s not like it meant anything. Neither of us felt romantic attraction within human single quadrant constraints. It was just a legal formality.” She brushes you off. 

“You two are fucking insane.” You comment. 

Well, okay. Vriska is insane. Terezi was. Past tense. Fuck. 

“She was better than us, Karkat.” Vriska tells you. You think it might be the most honest thing she’s ever said. 

“I know.” And you do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is a bummer and im feelin like a bummer and things are just really gonna be a bummer for awhile round these parts


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> major suicidal ideation and self harm tw//things definitely are still a bummer in this fic

So, you’ve been alone for two and a half days, and still have another one and a half to go. It is… not that long of a time. Not long enough for you to be spiraling the way you are. 

But, yup. You seem to be doing it anyway. Here you are, on the kitchen floor, laying face down with the Mayor batting at your face while you pretend to a room full of no one that nope, nuh-uh, you are so not crying. Everything is fine. 

You swear you were starting to do better last spring. Or were starting to think about doing better. Something. 

Things have kind of crashed and burned since Terezi died. It’s for a dick reason too. You miss her, of fucking course you miss her, anyone who doesn’t miss her is on your shit list. But that’s not it, not all of it anyway. She… had been a goddamn mess, too. And while all your other friends were out accomplishing shit and being productive members of society, she’s the gal you’d chill with. You’d sit and listen to her talk about her problems, and she’d make fun of the way you refused to talk about yours, and sometimes you’d gather up the courage to walk to a restaurant or store or some shit. Most of the time you didn’t. Most of the time it was just sitting on the sofa watching movies or listening to music. 

It was good though. 

So, okay. Maybe at the time it didn’t feel so good. It felt like you were both a little pathetic, like you were embarrassed to be around other people when you both felt like such shit. 

It was better than this, though. Better than doing the same shit alone. 

God, you feel alone. 

You’re such an ass for feeling alone. Karkat has been with you more than any reasonable person should ever be with anyone else. Part of it was his grief. You know that. You know he’s sad, heartbroken, torn the fuck up about this. You know he’s sadder about Terezi and Gamzee than you are. You just… have the rest of your depression to deal with on top of it. 

You wonder if he hates you, for making this all about you. 

You hate yourself. That’s for fucking sure. 

He’s supposed to be at Gamzee’s today. Took him way longer than he thought it would to clean out Terezi’s place, so they had to give up and go to Gamzee’s in between all their activist shit. Which isn’t going as well as Karkat hoped. You should check in on him. And this time try not to make it about you. 

TG: yo  
TG: hows it goin  
CG: I’M STANDING OUTSIDE OF GAMZEE’S.  
CG: I COULDN’T GO IN. I DON’T WANT TO GO IN. DAVE, I STILL REALLY FUCKING HATE HIM. DOES THAT MAKE ME TERRIBLE? YEAH, FUCKING, OF COURSE IT DOES GRUB MUNCH, HE’S DEAD.   
CG: I CAN’T BELIEVE I’M MAKING VRISKA GO IN THERE ALONE, FUCK.  
TG: hey man woah  
TG: you had a way more complicated relationship with clown bro than vriska did  
TG: cut yourself some slack  
CG: DO I GO IN THERE? SHIT FUCK I HAVE TO GO IN THERE DAVE.  
CG: I’LL TALK TO YOU LATER.

There he goes. 

Okay, so, solid minute and a half of not being totally alone. Maybe you can get another thirty seconds of Karkat in a few hours.

You do not have the right to be thinking like that. Karkat has been with you so goddamn much, Jesus Christ, what is wrong with you. 

You remain on the kitchen floor until he gets back to you, three hours later. 

CG: SHIT I KNOW I SAID I WOULD CALL BUT THESE HUMANS FROM SURROUNDING NEIGHBORHOODS CAME TO TALK TO VRISKA AND I ABOUT SUPPORTING OUR CAUSE.  
CG: WE’VE GOT TO SET SOME STUFF UP WITH THEM, SHIT.  
CG: IF WE GET ENOUGH HUMANS CALLING THEIR REPRESENTATIVES ABOUT THIS SHIT, THE TROLL QUARTERS MIGHT NOT BE DEMOLISHED.  
CG: I HAVE TO GO AGAIN, THINGS ARE GETTING SERIOUS.  
CG: <3   
TG: wait  
TG: or ok  
TG: good luck man

Fuck. Okay. There goes… all of the hope out of your evening. 

You have no right being this upset with him for being away for a grand total of four days. 

Have you mentioned that you hate yourself? 

You take a shower. Or like, turn on the water and sit at the bottom of the tub for awhile, hoping it’ll make time go by faster. You don’t have the energy to properly dry yourself off after, so you kind of just sit naked on the bathroom rug until the dripping stops enough for you to drag yourself into bed. 

Your stomach growls, reminding you that you haven’t eaten yet today. 

Sometimes you’re worried that you’re becoming just like her, just like Terezi, stealing her mental disorder in your little fucking pity party. You don’t really think it’s anorexia. Not like Terezi had it. You just… can’t fucking will yourself to get up and make food. Sometimes you can’t will yourself to order food. 

Even if you’d really, really like food, like now. 

Usually Karkat comes home and you binge on pasta and snacks, but that isn’t about to happen tonight. You mull over what the fuck kind of food to even order until it’s too late, and all the delivery places are closed.

Great. Solid one, Dave. 

Your phone starts ringing while you’re beating yourself up about how terrible you are at taking care of yourself. 

“I’m tired of getting panicked phone calls from your boyfriend, Dave.” It’s Rose’s voice. Shit. 

“Seems like a personal problem.” Why the fuck would Karkat have called her? Oh, shit. He was hitting you up on Facebook. You’d been totally ignoring the little dings. Shit. 

“Did you eat tonight?” She asks. 

“Woah, which sister am I on the phone with? I swear this is Rose but you’re sounding an awful lot like my fake mom.” You say. 

“Dave.” 

“It’s been hard with Karkat gone, alright?” You tell her. 

“He’s been gone for three days, Dave.” Her voice is pissing you the fuck off. Like you don’t fucking know that?

“Will you quit sayin’ my name in every goddamn sentence? I’m aware you’re talking to me. Since we’re, you know, the only two on the fucking phone.” You retort. 

“Do you want me to stop by with breakfast tomorrow?” You kind of hate Rose-who-has-her-shit-together. You miss high school complete fucking rebel disaster Rose. The Rose you’d have to sneak out of your house to pick up from a party she was too drunk to make it back from on her own. It was nicer being that one, the one who took care of her. This being babied shit is kind of the worst. 

But also…

“Yeah man. I could probably use some fruit or something.” 

“Okay. Are you okay tonight?” She asks. 

“Oh hell yeah. Just chillin out, maxin, relaxin all cool-“

“Dave, we both know you aren’t shooting any basketball outside by the pool.” She cuts you off. 

“I’m fine. Lay off, sis.” You say it as chill as you can muster, six levels of cool. 

She sighs, loudly, on purpose, and hangs up. 

Cool.

Karkat comes home a day and a half later, at which point you’ve managed to at least take a real shower and eat enough so that you’re not a shaking disaster. Gotta keep up fucking appearances. You even act like you’ve been writing raps the whole time, notebook out, jamming. You are the fucking king of pretending to not be depressed for ten minute intervals. 

Karkat is not happy. His face is all frowning, and not in his usual “woe is me I’m pissed at the world” kind of way. He looks tired, stressed. 

“What’s cookin, sunshine?” You ask him. 

You swear you can hear the “shut the fuck up” in his gaze. 

“Do you have ANY idea how nook sniffing greedy politicians are? If I have to look one more twisted scumbag in the eye while he yammers on about his dick brain plot to completely fuck trolls, I’m going to put my hand inside someone’s asshole.” He seethes. 

“So you had a nice trip.” You wink at him. He growls. 

“At least we accomplished something. Maybe. I got interviewed by the local fucking news. People at least CARE about this bullshit destroy troll-ville law the state House is trying to pass. Fuck. I’ll have to go back later, probably. At least keep in contact with the bulge brains.” He explains. 

Mostly you catch the “Karkat is going to leave again” bit, and your stomach drops. 

You try to change the subject, “How was TZ’s?” 

“Oh. Honestly it could have been worse. Maybe it was even nice, or some shit. I’ve got some stuff of hers, if you want to look through it. Vriska took most of the good stuff, her notebooks and old hard drives and photo albums. She let me keep one. Because it was entirely of me. Stupid teenager relationship album or some shit.” He rolls his eyes. 

“Oh my god, you made her make it with you, didn’t you. Romantic lil shit.” You tease. 

“Shut UP. I was sixteen, what the hell do you want from me?” He’s so mad, it’s adorable. 

“Oh, I dunno, a romance album. Hundreds of pics of you and me basking in the sweet syrupy glow of love.” You push. 

“I’ll give you my bulge up your ass.” He grunts. 

“Not like we haven’t done it before babe.” 

“I forget why I fucking missed you.” He sighs. 

Word. He missed you. 

“Home sweet fuckin home.” You wink. Which, okay, he totally can’t see because your shades are on. Oh well. You’re sure he can tell you’re being sarcastic. “So cool, Terezi’s was good. How was Kankri? Did Vriska try to cut your tongue off or something? Was Gamzee’s place trashed?” 

“Kankri is terrible, I don’t know why you ask about him all the time. I think he’s really into my activism shit. I swear to human Jesus, Strider, if I ever start sounding like him, you impale me on the spot.” He means it, too. 

“Awfully graphic today, babe.” You point out. 

He ignores you, “Vriska isn’t going to kill you. So that’s nice.” 

“Yeah uh, guess that’s good news. Weird news. Good news.” The whole Vriska situation was freaking you out a little bit but… apparently it’s all fine now? Okay. Sure. 

“I… had a really shitty time at Gamzee’s.” His voice cracks and he’s crying, and you’re there next to him instantly, sitting on the kitchen counter, trying to calm him down. 

“Yo, Karkat, what happened?” 

“I fucking texted you from outside. Kurloz is letting those jackasses stay down there still, Gamzee’s fucking druggie friends. I know we joked about it and shit, but when it was actually happening… and when I stopped being such a fucking pansy and actually went down there, they’d just- half his shit was stolen, and they were acting like Vriska and I had no right being there. I shouldn’t have GONE, fuck. I just- I wanted some of his shit. Our shit. From when, from before- everything here was-“

He’s hyperventilating a little too much to continue. You try to calm him down the best you can, with affectionate pecks and a few fingers rubbing behind his ears. It takes him a few minutes, and a glass of water, but he keeps going. 

“I’m supposed to be upset that he died.” Karkat says. 

You’re not really following. Karkat is probably the only person you know, save Tavros, who is actually upset that Gamzee died, “Dude, I feel like all the crying kind of indicates some sadness.” 

“NO. God, you don’t GET it. Do you even have someone like him in your life? Honestly Dave, have you ever had a relationship go so completely to shit that it just doesn’t even feel like the same PERSON anymore?” He waits for you to respond. 

“I dunno, man. I guess not. I mean, Egbert and Jade were pretty much my only close friends, dude.” You say. 

“That’s fucking pathetic Dave, thank fuck you went to a college full of losers for you to befriend.” His voice sounds serious, but you see the corner of his mouth creeping up. 

“Love you too bro.” 

“The Gamzee that died isn’t the Gamzee I was friends with.” He says it quick and dirty, like it’s a secret, like it hurts to peel the words off his tongue. 

“Kar…”

“It’s fucking true, Dave. I felt like I lost him years ago. I cried over him, and I was angry that he left me, and I wanted him back, and then he was back but it wasn’t… it wasn’t the same. It was never the same.” Karkat tells you. 

“Dude, I didn’t know you were so stressed about him. You saw him… a bunch. I thought you were like, working shit out.” You reply.

“I think he thought so, too. I could see him forgiving himself. I can’t. I never could. I don’t even give a shit about the shit he pulled with me, it wasn’t okay what he did to Terezi. I was never going to be fucking okay with that. And it wasn’t FAIR that she expected me to be. He HIT her, Dave. I can’t- how the fuck- and she just wanted us all to forgive- and I HATE him. I hate him and sometimes I am so fucking glad he is gone so I don’t have to look at that stupid fucking familiar face and pretend like I was seeing the person he used to be instead of the monster that broke my best friend.” Karkat is a wreck. He can’t keep his hands still, and his breath is too fast, and god, god, you can see it all over his face, he fucking hates himself. 

“Kat, that’s okay, man. You don’t have to like him just cuz he’s dead.” You say. It’s not like you exactly like the guy, either. 

“NO. No, no, see, that’s the fucking thing, Dave, YOU don’t have to like the shit-vomiting bastard just because he’s dead. I do. I have to love him, because of the idiot he used to be, because he was my moirail, because Tavros loves him, because Terezi loved him. I am literally obligated to love him but I DON’T. I’m fucking scum, I am troll scum, I have no business being a leader in this social justice movement when I can’t even gather up the shame globes to love a dead guy.” His claws are buried in his arms. There are fresh scars there, and older ones, and ancient ones. 

You wish he wouldn’t hurt himself. 

“Man, I don’t know why you have yourself thinking like that.” You say. 

“How can I NOT think like this?” He looks like he’s really asking. 

“I dunno man, I guess, maybe, you gotta just come to terms with the fact that Gamzee started out decent but turned out to be a total prick, and even if you didn’t wish death on him, it’s alright not to like the person he’d become before he died.” You reason. 

“I wish I could have forgiven him when he was alive.” Karkat whispers. 

“I know you do, bro.” 

“I’m worried that you’re changing.” He says it out of nowhere and it pricks you like a needle. 

“W- wait, shit, dude, do you not like who I am anymore?” Holy fuck, is he comparing you to Gamzee?

“No. It’s not that. I just, I guess, I’m worried… fuck, nevermind.” He shakes his head.

“Dude, no, a bro can’t just up and say some loaded shit like that and not explain.” Have you really been that terrible? 

“Fuck I- I’m afraid you’re going to leave me. Because I’m busy doing shit you don’t care about, and I’m spending too much time not doing the shit you do care about, and you’re just going to fucking leave and fall into your depression and literally it’s going to be my fucking fault.” His eyes are closed when he admits it. 

“Karkat my shit isn’t your fault. Gamzee’s shit wasn’t your fault.” 

“I shouldn’t have left him. I shouldn’t have gone on this fucking vacation away from you. I-“

“Karkat it was four fucking days. And I love the shit you do, Karkat. Social dynamics are like, right up my fucking alley. I am having a shitty time because of me.” He has to believe you, fuck. 

“Okay.” He totally doesn’t believe you.

Fuck, god, no, no, no. You can’t let this happen. You cannot let him think you are his responsibility, that your fucked up head is his fault. You’ve got to find a way out of this. 

He falls asleep with his head on your chest, salty red tears drying on your abdomen. He looks happy when he’s holding you. You stay up all night, terrified of what you’ve become for him. 

 

You go out with John the next night. Not because you want to, but because you’re freaking the fuck out about the stuff Karkat said to you, and he’s busy working on footage anyway, and shit you’ve gotta talk this out with someone. 

You didn’t really wanna go to a bar, but it’s not like you were going to go to John’s place. He still lives with Vriska… you’re pretty sure platonically. This isn’t really a conversation you want Vriska overhearing, for several reasons, least of which include how close she is with Karkat and how god awful she is at meddling in other peoples’ business. 

So, here you are, wrapped in a sweater on the roof of one of your go-to bars, John handing you a glass of what looks like gin and jalapenos. 

“You want to talk about what’s going on with you?” He asks, forced smile on his face. 

Maybe you’ve been making the kid worry about you. Shit, you keep forgetting people besides Karkat are affected by your bullshit. That might be one of the issues here.

“Uh, nah, it’s cool. Let’s just drink and chill for a bit, yeah?” You say to him. Okay, he knows everything isn’t cool, this whole outing started with a text from you that said ‘can we talk bro’. But like, it’s okay, you’re gonna get a little buzzed first and deal with emotional bullshit when it’s easier to let words fly out of your mouth, “Maybe you can tell me what’s been going on with you and Roxy lately.” You wink for good measure. 

“She lives across the country.” He sounds miserable. 

“Are y’all like in love?” You ask. 

He rolls his eyes, “Shut up, Dave! How many of my siblings have you kissed?” 

“Okay, first of all only three including YOU jackass, second of all Jane happened ONE time during spin the bottle so you can fuck right off.” It’s hard to keep your poker face on while thinking about that particular story. 

“You were so into her.” John presses. 

“I mean, no shit, I was thirteen and she’s a fucking BABE.” You agree. 

“I wish Roxy and I lived close enough to at least try something real.” He sighs. 

Shit. 

“Hey, man, maybe you will some day. Your whole fucking family is back in Seattle, I’m just they’d love to have you back there. Or, you know, the three Stri-Londes in the Big Apple can start pestering Roxy about when the fuck she’s going to ditch our parents weird lab house and move out here with the rest of us.” You offer. 

He finishes off his drink before saying, “I think I’ve got to get over Terezi, first, anyway.” 

You go up to the bar to get round two for the both of you. Tonight is, apparently, going to be an emotional shit show. 

“So,” You start, dropping four shots on the table, two for each of you, “What was really going on with you and Terezi?” 

“Oh, I mean, nothing. We were flirting, way back in college, but I backed off because… she needed me to. And then… I mean she and Vriska were really in love, Dave. You never saw it, what they were like when they were alone.” He explains. 

“Shit, and, you were okay just watching it happen?” God have you been this out of touch with his life this past year?

“No. Well, okay, I guess yeah. She was so happy, and was eating, and it was nice when it was just the three of us. Sometimes I got it into my head that we could have this really solid poly thing going on but… I don’t think Terezi’s feelings for me were ever more than a silly crush. And Vriska… was not going to share her.” He laughs at that, takes one of the shots. 

“Damn, dude. I guess I didn’t realize how much you’d been dragged into their weird shit.” You admit. 

“It’s okay. You’ve been wrapped up in your own stuff, Dave.” He smiles and kicks you gently under the table. You think it’s supposed to be reassuring, but it just has you choking on your shot. 

“Am I supposed to talk about that now? Was that your cool and collected segue dude?” You take your second shot because you know you’re going to need it. 

“You can’t ask me to talk about stuff and then not talk about any of your stuff. I know Karkat’s worried about you.” John says. 

You sigh, “Okay, well, I’m worried about Karkat.” 

John raises his eyebrows like you’re being completely ridiculous and waits for you to continue. 

“One more drink first?” He suggests. You let him pay for one and down it just as the spins from the first three start to set in.

Perfect. 

“Man I think I’m bringin him down.” You say.

“Karkat? Dave, that’s stupid, he loves you.” John rolls his eyes for like the fourteenth fucking time tonight. 

“NO, dude, I’m awful for him. I fuckin have him thinkin I’m gonna leave him, just abandon him and shit.” You whine.

John frowns, “Are you?” 

“What??” 

“I mean, Dave, you kind of seem like you might just up and leave all of us.” John looks so upset. 

“I’m just depressed dude.” You brush him off. 

“Rose and I have talked about trying to get you committed.” John swallows hard. 

Wow. Shit. Have you been… that bad? Fuck, fuck. 

“Dude, I’m fine.” 

“Can you, um, maybe cut the bullshit?” Drunk John smiling while talking the real shit with you. That’s what you need. 

“Karkat’s afraid of me dude.” It comes out easy, and then it hits you, and you slam the rest of your drink. 

“Dave, no, that’s literally fucking wrong! He’s afraid FOR you.” John tries to correct.

“Man sometimes I think if I weren’t livin for him I’d prolly just die or somethin.” Great, just, perfect, let the feeling words just keep spilling out. 

“Dave…” John looks horrified. 

You laugh. 

Or, nope, you’re crying, just kidding. 

“John I gotta get the fuck outta here.” You tell him as you bolt down the stairs, like that wasn’t obvious enough. You walk yourself a few streets down, till there are less people around to stare, and collapse on the ground with your hands tearing at your hair. John’s a few paces behind you, crouches down next to you to help you pull your shit together. 

Only, you can’t really hear him, and you can’t really stop the crying, and holy shit everything is the fucking worst. 

You’re the worst, you’re the worst, you’re the worst. Fuck you, Dave fucking Strider, you should be dead you piece of goddamn shit, crying in the street, making fucking John take care of you, making Karkat hate you-

Holy FUCK you’re making Karkat hate you, fuck you Dave FUCK you fuck you fuck you honest to holy jesus you hope you fucking CHOKE. 

You realize that oh fuck maybe this is coming out in words to John and not just in your head when you see him reach for his phone. 

“No no no John please don’t call Rose please don’t call Rose man John no no dude not Rose please please.” You actually grab for him, and he puts his phone away to grab you back. 

“Dave you’re freaking me out please let me take you home.” His voice is shaking. 

“NO I can’t GO there dude he HATES me.” You can’t let Karkat see you like this. 

“Then come to my house.” His voice is pleading. 

“No no no no no please just let me fuckin chill out here John I can’t go anywhere dude I can’t do this man I can’t do this shit anymore I don’t want to.” Everywhere sounds horrible. Here is horrible, too, but you’re HERE already. 

He does a lot of shushing and holding you and typing on his phone. None of it calms you down, literally at fucking all. It’s probably been half an hour you’ve been out here, on the god damn street, flipping your drunk shit. 

You probably shouldn’t drink again. Right now you kind of just want more so that you can black out and definitely not remember this. 

John gets a phone call, and stands up to answer it while you keep your ass firmly planted on that sweet sweet NYC sidewalk. 

And then there’s a hand on your cheek and a very fucking loud voice attempting to whisper into your ear, “Dave what the fuck is going on?!” 

“Karkat? Fuck man, John did you call- no no, Kat, you can’t SEE me like this.” Still, you cling to him, your hands in his shirt, trying to pull yourself up off the ground. 

He just stands above you, breathing, until, “I can’t believe you let yourself get this jacked up on human soporiphics you drunk fucksponge.” 

There’s a hand in your hair, gentle and playful, and then he’s pulling your to your feet. 

You hear John protest, “Karkat this isn’t because he’s drunk.” 

Karkat whispers back, “Are you fucking retarted you moronic imbecilic douchwagon? Shut up,” and then says back to you, “We’re taking a cab home, jackass.” 

You follow him, blind, into the cab and up the stairs to your bedroom. And then the crying starts again. 

You lose track of your words, and the time, and the things he’s saying to you, and you’re sure you throw up and he makes you drink water but all you can focus on is how terrible you feel and how much you fucking hate yourself. 

That, and his face. His face, that is so, so, so afraid. You’ve made Karkat afraid of you. You made Karkat cry. You’re ruining Karkat.

Your name is Dave Strider, and you are completely fucking up Karkat Vantas. 

\-----------------------------------------------

Your name is Karkat Vantas, and you think your boyfriend is suicidal. 

They’ve said it to you before, Rose and John. You thought you knew him better. He wasn’t hurting himself, never said he wanted to die, never eyed a bottle of drain-o longer than he should. 

They told you, over and over, it wasn’t like that with him. It wasn’t suicidal ideation like you’ve known it, collecting pills until you had enough to off yourself, sitting on the edge of a building thinking about how good it’d feel to scoot yourself over the edge, cutting your wrists just a little to fucking deep. 

With Dave, they said, it was more like stepping out into traffic without looking both ways. It was forgetting to eat until you were in the hospital, it was driving 90 down the back roads. 

Dave wasn’t trying to kill himself, he was just a little too welcoming of death for comfort. 

Passive suicidality. Suicidality that is so god damn low key you don’t even know how to address it with him. 

It was easy to ignore until last night, especially with all your own shit going on. Your work, Vriska, Terezi, Gamzee. You’ve been caught up in all your own tragic shit lately. You had no problem pretending Dave’s spiral wasn’t getting completely the fuck out of control. 

But then John texted you. Not his normal “Hi Karkat!” bullshit, or even the “Rose and I were talking about Dave again…” conversations he’s started pestering you with. It was different. Chilling.

You never been so terrified of a text in your fucking life. 

EB: Karkat, Dave is flipping out, I don’t know what to do, he’s never done this before.  
EB: He won’t let me take him home.  
EB: He doesn’t want me to call you but I don’t know what else to do.  
EB: If you can’t handle this I’m going to call an ambulance.  
EB: I’m really afraid of the things he’s saying, Karkat, and I’m afraid if he tries to make a run for it I won’t be able to stop him.   
CG: WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU I’M ON MY WAY 

You’ve read it over a dozen times while he’s been asleep, like if you see it enough times it’ll just cease to exist. 

When you got there, to that random fucking street corner, he was talking about how much he hated himself, not really to John, not really to anyone. 

It doesn’t make any sense to you how someone so fucking perfect could hate himself so much. 

He was drunk and emotional enough for you to calm him down with dumb jokes and stupid banter. He calms down whenever he sees you, anyway. You love that, sort of, that you know exactly how to make him feel better. Just, sometimes, it’d be nice if he could figure out a way to chill the fuck out on his own. 

Maybe you aren’t the best at that, either, though. 

These past few months, whenever Dave wasn’t around, you found yourself taking a razor to your wrists thinking about Terezi and Gamzee rather than trying to find a rational grub sucking way to deal with your emotion.

God, shut up, Karkat, today isn’t about YOU. Today is about Dave. 

It’s about this tiny, sad, puffy eyed Dave that you sang to sleep last night, your fingers tracing circles on his skin. Dave, who you’ve been watching sleep for the past eight hours. Dave, who definitely woke up about ten minutes ago and has been staring at the wall ever since, still laying down, presumably doing the exact same fucking thing as you- praying this whole situation just goes away, that everything is actually fine.

“Can we not talk about it yet.” Dave says, finally, more of a demand than a question. 

“We’re talking about it today, though.” Your voice comes off angrier than you mean for it too. You aren’t angry. You’re afraid. 

“I don’t think I can ever talk to John again.” He buries his face in the blankets.

“I promise John still loves you, asshole.” It seems to be less reassuring than you expected. 

“Dude, I need some space.” He sounds like he’s crying again, head still under the covers. 

It hurts to hear him say it. You just want to be there for him, but yeah, no. It makes sense. He’s been crying in front of you all night, he wants some time to cry to himself. 

“Yeah, whatever. I’ll go grab some breakfast.” You don’t have much getting dressed to do- you were a little too fucking distracted all night to ever bother taking off your jeans. You just have to throw shoes on. 

“Thanks, Kat.” He still hasn’t looked at you. 

“Dave… I need you to fucking promise me you aren’t going to hurt yourself while I’m gone.” You tell him. 

Now, he looks at you.

“Hurt myself? What, man, you mean like you’ve been hurting yourself?” He grabs at your sleeves, makes you look at your scars and cuts. 

“I meant I don’t want you to fucking kill yourself, douchejerk.” You pull your arm away from him. 

“Not gonna kill myself…” He mumbles. 

“You don’t get to yell at me about my self harm.” You inform him. He’s never… done that before. You didn’t think it bothered him, in more than a worried way. 

“I’m not yelling- fuck. I just, god damn it Karkat, I’m supposed to be supporting you enough so that you don’t need to do that shit, but instead I’m stressing you out so much you cut yourself fucking MORE.” He chokes out. 

“That’s bullshit.” 

“Oh, like you weren’t feeling real responsible for my emotional breakdown last night?” He’s looking right at you, shades-less, and something about it really hurts. 

“I WANT to be there for you, shitpuppet.” 

“I WANT to be there for YOU, too.” 

“I’m going out. Maybe calm the shit down while I’m gone and stop yelling at the dude who took care of you all night.” You storm out, with nowhere to really go. 

What the fuck do people in movies do after they storm out? What, are you supposed to go get a coffee? Look at memes on your phone? Call up your friends and ask to nap on their couches, alerting them to your stupid fight? 

You opt for walking to the park and moping. 

You don’t even have that much to brood over. You’ve been brooding all night, sitting up, watching Dave sleep, thinking of all the ways you are personally responsible for his shit getting so out of control. 

Now it’s just hanging out on a park bench wondering how long you have to wait to go home. Worrying about what self-destructive crap he might be up to. 

You make it half an hour before you speed walk home. 

He’s standing there, fully dressed, shoes and everything, in your kitchen. 

“Uh, going somewhere?” You ask him. 

“Yeah. No. I don’t know.” He’s wearing his shades. It makes it harder to figure out what he’s thinking. 

“I can go back out, if you aren’t ready to talk.” You offer. You’ve decided that the yelling you were doing earlier wasn’t helping. You’re gonna do some listening and understanding, now. For the most part. Hopefully.

“No, man. No, please stay.” 

Okay. You’re staying. 

Both of you are standing four feet away from each other, awkward as hell. This is stupid. He’s been your boyfriend for, fuck, four years? A long fucking time. And you wanted it for longer than that, both of you. 

There’s no reason for you to feel awkward right now. 

You still don’t make a move to stand closer to him. 

“Hey, man, do you remember how we met?” He asks you, suddenly, scooting himself up onto the kitchen counter. You join him, but you’re still too afraid to touch him.

Something just feels wrong. 

“What, when I barged into your room and yelled at you?” You clarify.

“Yeah. You looked… so good under our stupid fairy lights. I keep thinking about that. And like, a bunch of things.” He tells you. 

“Uh… what things?” You don’t get where this is going. His tone sounds weird as fuck. You’re getting more and more worried that he took something while you were gone, that you should be calling an ambulance, making him vomit, something. 

“Like, I dunno. When we were so fucking hung over we sat in the shower with our clothes on for like an hour. Or how happy I was to see your stupid face after my top surgery. The look in your eye when you pummeled me with snow before I kissed you for the first time, and like, how bad I wanted to kiss you, all those times. I wanted to kiss you so fucking bad.” He’s crying. You don’t get it, you don’t get what’s going on. 

“Okay, yeah, but then you did kiss me, dicksponge. Like a lot of times.” You point out.

“I was so fucking happy when I woke up next to you that morning, Kat.” He tells you, grabbing for your hand. You let him. You squeeze back. 

“I thought you’d bailed when I woke up. You weren’t in bed and I was so fucking SAD, and then angry, obviously, and then I heard you playing that song and…” You smile, because it’s perfect. That was the perfect morning, the perfect memory. You hold his hand harder. 

“I, uh, I’m not doing so hot, Karkat.” He says it like it’s news. 

“No shit.” 

“I, uh, I don’t want to talk about it man.” 

“But you’re going to.” 

“Yeah, I know.” 

There’s more silence, just you two holding hands on the kitchen counter, sounds of cars going by outside. 

“The part that worries me the most is the awful things you were saying about yourself last night.” You begin the conversation. 

“The part that worries me the most is the way those things made you look at me, Kat.” He sighs. 

“Okay, jackass, I think the clear problem here is that you need to agree with me that you are the major focus here. Who the fuck cares if I’m worried about you? Of course I’m worried about you. Spend less time worrying about my worry and more time worrying about yourself.” You say, like it’s going to solve everything. 

“Uh, okay, so clearly the real problem is that we’re just never going to agree on who is more important here.” Dave shakes his head. 

“I never said I wasn’t important- I care about myself, too, Dave, but I am FINE. You’re the one who isn’t fine. Hence the worrying about you.” The way he thinks about himself makes you so fucking sad. 

“Right, so, I don’t. Care about myself. I don’t.” 

You don’t know what to say. 

He has to. He has to start caring about himself. 

“How do I help you… do that?” You ask. 

“Dude, you can’t take care of me. You can’t make me have better feelings about myself.” He replies. 

“I don’t get what you WANT from me, Dave. You… you get all upset when I’m not around, but you get equally upset when I’m trying to help you. Like what the fuck is that?” You genuinely don’t know what to do for him anymore. 

“Dude, I don’t fucking KNOW.” He takes his hand back, uses it to take off his shades. 

“Maybe fucking try, a little?” 

“I literally can’t stand it when you’re gone, Kat. It feels like my world has been taken away from me, like the ground is caving in.” He means it so hard he has to steady himself with his arms around his knees. 

You kind of want to yell at him for putting his dirty shoes on the counter. Let this turn into a normal fight about something inane and domestic. 

Pretend there isn’t a bigger problem about the way he’s thinking about himself. 

Pretend that problem isn’t directly affecting your relationship.

You can’t, though.

“I can be around more, Dave. I… it’s not like I’m not having a hard time still, too, okay? I can take time off, and you can go to therapy, and we’ll figure this shit out.” You offer.

“No, no, dude, fuck, you can’t just- you can’t just DO that for me. You’ve got so much going for you, and they need you, all the damn trolls need you. You can’t just drop that shit for me.” He insists. 

“Okay, lets just be clear here- I can’t leave, but I also can’t stay?” You’re getting a little fucking frustrated. Why won’t he just let you DO something for him?

“I can’t keep feeling guilty about what I’m doing to you, Kat. I can’t keep doing… this.” He pulls his knees closer into his chest.

Your stomach drops, and your hands go numb, and there’s this static in your head that won’t quite let you think clearly. 

You very, very suddenly know exactly where this conversation is going. 

“Holy shit, you’re breaking up with me.” The words feel like acid coming out of your mouth. Your chest hurts. It’s hard to breathe. 

“What? Holy shit, Karkat, I’m not breaking up with you.” Dave says, way too fast. 

“Yes, yes, Dave, are you kidding me? Do you not realize that’s what you’re doing? You’re literally about to fucking BREAK UP WITH ME.” You hop off the counter and run into your room. 

He finds you there, on the bed. Now you’re the one with your head between your knees. 

Holy shit, he literally is trying to break up with you. You knew it. You knew it. You knew you wouldn’t be good enough and he’d do this. 

“Kat, come on, please, look at me.” He kneels down in front of you and peels your face up to look at him. 

It’s in his eyes now. The breakup. God, he’s really doing this. 

“Karkat, I can’t explain. I just… I need to be alone.” He says. 

“I can’t believe you’re fucking doing this Dave.” It’s the only thing you can manage to think. 

“Kat, I’m NOT breaking up with you!” He keeps saying it, like repetition will make it any more true. 

“But you need to be alone? Without me? Because I make you feel terrible? Because the way I make YOU feel, by caring about you, is too fucking hard for you??” God, you’re angry. 

“…yeah.” 

“FUCK.” 

You think you might throw up. 

“Kat, come on, bro, I know this is bad timing. Okay, Kat, I’m sorry, okay?” He sounds sorry. You do not accept his apology. 

“Bad timing? Bad fucking timing? Are you kidding me right now? MY BEST FRIEND JUST DIED AND YOU’RE DUMPING ME.” You’re yelling now. For sure, you’re yelling. 

“I’m not fucking breaking up with you Karkat!” He’s yelling, too. 

“Jesus- then what, pray tell, are you doing? ENLIGHTEN ME.” You grab his glasses, snatch them off his face, make him look you in the eye. 

“I just need to be by myself dude.” 

“WHY” 

“So that I can stop feeling guilty for dragging you into this shit! So you can go do all the things you need to do without being afraid that I’m literally killing myself at home. So that I can learn to eat on my own, and get out of bed, and find something worth living for besides YOU.” He’s crying. 

“I’m such a worthless reason to be alive, right?” It’s not fair for you to say that. Dave needs to care about other things. You know that. But everything he’s doing, it’s hurting you so much. 

“That’s not fair, Kat.” 

“I know.” You don’t know if you care. 

“I’m not breaking up with you.” He says, again. 

“Then what. Are. You. Doing.” 

“Figuring my shit out.” He replies. 

“Alone?”

“Alone.” 

“Not in our house?” 

“I don’t know.” 

“Are you talking to me? Or am I just being cut the fuck out of your life?” You question. 

“I don’t KNOW, Karkat.” He looks so afraid. 

“I’m not doing this.” You tell him. 

“Doing what? You can’t just tell me I can’t have time to myself, Karkat.” He informs you. 

“That’s not what I fucking mean, dickprince! I MEAN I’M NOT GOING TO SIT HERE AND LET YOU PRETEND YOU AREN’T DUMPING ME. You want to be alone, yeah? Yeah, Strider? Fucking answer me! Is that what you fucking want?” You swear you’re seeing fire. You’re so. Fucking. Angry. 

“Kat, please don’t.” 

“Don’t what? Don’t do what you’re literally forcing me to do?” You’re still shouting, spit flying out of your mouth. 

“Kat, I don’t want this, I want you, I-“

“Are you breaking up with me Dave?” You ask it, again. You need an answer. A real answer. 

“Karkat, I don’t want to.” He looks like he’s begging. You don’t get who he’s begging, here. You aren’t the one doing this. 

“But are you doing it?” 

He stays quiet, and then, “Do you have any idea how hard it is being nothing when you’re dating someone who is everything?” 

You don’t get it, “What does that even MEAN?”

“You’re so IMPORTANT Karkat. Everyone needs you. Our friends, and trolls in general, the whole fucking world. You’re so IMPORTANT. And I’m nothing. I literally am worthless, Kat. And I’m too fucking tired to pretend it doesn’t hurt to be… nothing next to your everything.”

You hop up off the bed and stalk to the door of your bedroom. You brush past him on purpose, knocking into him a little harder than is appropriate. 

“Get the fuck out of my house, Dave.” You say it low, like a growl. 

“Kat, come on.” He walks over to meet you. Your back is pressed against the doorframe, and he’s standing close to you, so close. 

“Dave, if you’re going to leave me, just do it now, please. Just get out if you’re going to go.” 

“What… what if I’m going to stay?” He asks, tentatively. 

“ARE you? Are you going to stay?” 

He’s silent again, just looking at you. 

That’s a no then. 

He’s too close to you. You can smell him, and it’s killing you. You can see him lying next to you in bed, feel the heat of his skin on your fingertips, hear his laughter and the way he snores at night and the way he chokes when he drinks his apple juice too fast. 

He smells like his stupid shampoo, the kind you bought together a few weeks ago at some bougie little shop in SoHo. You’d been in there for an hour, smelling every fucking soap, rating them from “Equius’ sweaty asshole” to “You smell so good I’m gonna do you on the table”. And then you’d come home, and gotten in the shower, and he got soap in your eyes trying to wash you down and god it was annoying and perfect and holy shit, is that over? Is all of that shit really over? 

“Please just go if you’re going to leave me.” You whisper again. 

“Kat.” 

“Dave, I can’t. I can’t beg you not to leave me when we both know you’re just going to do it anyway, okay?” 

“Kat, I-“ 

He’s going to tell you he loves you, and you can’t hear it. Not now, not when he’s leaving. 

“No, no, no, don’t you dare, don’t you fucking DARE, Strider.” You’re shaking. Your hands are gripping the wall, trying to keep you steady, trying to stay on your feet. 

He puts a hand on your cheek. 

You swear it kills you. 

“Kat… don’t ever change...”

You take a deep breath as he continues.

“…the way you are…”

Your eyes are tearing up. It’s harder to see him.

“…I’ll never…” 

His grip on your cheek grow tighter, like it’s harder for him to say the next word.

“…love…”

You let out an audible sob. 

“…anyone…”

You interject here, it’s too much, “Dave, STOP, please, just go.”

“…more.” 

He’ll never love anyone more. 

You’re kissing. You don’t know who started it. You just know you love him, and he loves you, but he’s leaving anyway. You’re kissing and it’s wet with tears, and it feels terrible because you both keep FROWNING, and your gross sobs are still coming out in the middle of it, and his teeth keep brushing against your lip on accident, in his attempt not to cry more. 

And then he’s gone. 

And you’re kneeling on the floor.

And he’s gone. 

And he’ll never love anyone more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> dave sure is making a mess of his life huh//everything is terrible all the time
> 
> this chapter is brought to you by motion city soundtrack 
> 
> anything fucked up in terms of editing is brought to you by my roommate having sex with her door open while im trying to post this


	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tws: suicidal ideation, self harm, dubious consent, alcohol, drugs
> 
> clearly this is going to be a super happy chaper

You don’t have any of your stuff. 

You’re on a subway going vaguely nowhere, and you have zero of your belongings with you. 

You’re not even wearing your shades. Karkat still has them, from when he snatched them off your face.

Shit. Karkat. 

You’re still a little confused about what’s going down with him. Your intention this morning was not to break up with him. He’s your BOYFRIEND, of fucking course you aren’t breaking up with him Jesus Christ that’s stupid. 

Except, okay, you seem to be on this train, alone, without any of your stuff. And he maybe broke up with you. Or broke up with himself for you? You’re not really sure. You are sure that continuing to think about it is going to make you hurl on the subway so, yup, not doing that. Maybe focus on a destination. Yeah, that sounds like a solid plan. 

This train goes by the cemetery. Or, fuck, not THE cemetery, its not like you’re living on post apocalyptic Earth where everything has gone to hell and there’s just one giant fucking grave site for all the bodies that keep piling up. It’s just, y’know. A cemetery. A cemetery where Terezi happens to be buried. You don’t exactly think of yourself as the kind of person who goes and leaves flowers for a corpse that ain’t gonna have any idea you just blew twenty buck on them but, shit. 

You could really use some solid TZ advice right now. 

Not that you’re gonna fucking get any. She’s dead, it’s not like going to her grave opens up some inter-dimensional portal where she shows up as some white-eyed ghost in your dreams or some shit. That’d be pretty rad but, nope. Not how the cemetery works. 

You still think it feels more like talking to her there than it does just saying shit out loud to her in places where that is definitely inappropriate. Just chilling in the grocery store: “oh hey TZ lay the relationship advice on me. Those people looking at us? Nah don’t mind them they just think I’m crazy and talking to myself”. Yeah, you should probably avoid doing something like that. So, grave it is. 

It’s a long walk off the subway. Or at least longer than you’d like, what with the clouds getting all ominously dark overhead and shit. You’re just a little too far out of summer for a rainstorm to be anything but cold and uncomfortable right now. 

You haven’t seen her tombstone since the funeral. It’s pretty lame. Generic. Boring. Etched in Alternian, so you can barely even read it. You pretend Gamzee’s isn’t right next to her, pretend she has a choice in the afterlife to get out of his abusive claws. Pretend you don’t wish you were the one in the ground. 

Or, okay, shit. You’re alone here. And Karkat is… not in the picture. Right now. Anymore. One of those words. You can totally wish to be dead without all the guilt. 

Ha, yeah, okay. You totally wish you were fucking dead. 

“Hey TZ, how pissed would you be if I joined you?” You ask her, or no one, or something. You’re sitting now, resting your back against her tombstone, just hanging out like you’d be doing if she were actually physically here. 

Or maybe it’s spiritually here? Mentally? Physically seems wrong because her body is definitely sitting six feet under you. 

“Is it fucked up that I’m thinking about your corpse instead of all the bullshit I just pulled with Karkat?” You seem to have a lot of questions for her today.

Fuck. Karkat. 

“Uhh, TZ, I need you to uh, tell me how to fix it. With him. I didn’t- man, I swore I wouldn’t DO this. He’s never gonna forgive me, TZ. I didn’t even… fuck. I mean he came in and my shoes were on and I kept saying ‘I can’t do this’ no fuckin wonder he thought I was dumping him. I wasn’t dumping him.” You tell her. 

She doesn’t respond. Obviously. 

“Okay fuck the silent treatment Pyrope. I DIDN’T want to break up with him, okay? I want to be with him, dude, I love him. Literally more than I love myself, alright? Yeah, yeah, fuck you, I know that’s the problem. I’m aware that’s the problem. I just couldn’t do that to him, TZ. Pull him into my unhealthy codependent bullshit. I’m not tryna get all unhealthy with him. That’s not how I- other people might’ve- I’m not about to be fucking GAMZEE for him.” You cannot be Gamzee. You cannot be the guy who is so emotionally abusive to him that he can’t even be sad that you’re dead. 

It starts raining. Not even a few warning drops to give you time to make a dash for the train, it’s just all rain all at once. Great. Well, you’re wet anyway. Might as well hang the fuck out. 

“You think he’s ever gonna forgive me TZ?” 

It’s all silence besides the rain pounding on the ground. 

“Yeah, I know I gotta worry about myself before I worry about him. Just not sure I see the point in getting better if it doesn’t mean I get him back. …okay, yeah, shut up, I also know that that’s the problem. Fuck me, man.” 

You see Dirk coming from a mile away, big ass pointy hair resilient as fuck against the rain. It’s the first time you’ve seen him without Caliborn in awhile, now. Maybe since that god awful day last year when he cut off Tavros’ legs. What the fuck was UP with that? 

“Hey, lil bro.” He sits down next to you, careful not to actually touch Terezi’s tombstone. 

“Who called you? How many people are out looking for me right now? How’d you even find me?” They probably think you offed yourself. Great. 

“Nah, no one else dude. Just me. Karkat called… told me what was up. And phone tracker app, obviously.” He ventures a look at you. You’re glad he’s wearing shades- you honestly have no interest knowing how poorly he’s thinking of you right now. 

“Okay, see man, this is exactly why I didn’t want to break up with him. He even knows the right fucking sibling to call. Even John makes the rookie mistake of calling Rose when I’m upset.” You complain. 

“Ha, Rose? Love that girl, but she’s shit in an emotional crisis, unless you’re trying to feel worse about yourself and also a little stupid.” He laughs. 

“Dude. I think I fucked things up pretty bad.” You admit. 

“Karkat said he broke up with you. What the fuck did you do, dude?” He asks, venturing a hand on your shoulder.

“Wow, he’s a fucking liar. I mean yeah, technically he’s the only one who said ‘we’re breaking up’. But it’s only because I was too much of a pussy, bro. This was all on me.” Do y’all at least get a trophy for most confusing unwanted breakup? 

“He didn’t sound happy about it on the phone, if that makes you feel better.” Dirk says. 

“Think that might be worse. Any chance I can convince you to leave me here and go make sure he’s alright?” It’s mostly a rhetorical question.

“Nah, I’m pretty afraid you’ll try to off yourself if I do that, Dave.” 

“I guess me too.” 

“Should I be like, taking you somewhere dude?” He sounds actually concerned which is not very typical Dirk. One time when you were thirteen you got a little bit hit by a car when you were out practicing your sweet (terrible) skate moves with him, and the douchebag cracked road kill jokes all the way to the hospital. Concerned isn’t his angle, unless things are really fucked up. 

“Uh, I don’t know. Let me think about it?” You don’t really want to go to an inpatient unit. Outpatient therapy seems like a necessity at this point, though. 

“Dave, dude, are you actually thinking you might kill yourself?” You realize he’s been through this before, with Roxy, and fuck that isn’t fair. 

“I don’t know. Prolly not. Don’t think I have the guts.” You’re not sure though, not one hundred percent. 

“I could set you up with someone at the practice I go to, dude. They’ve got a trans shrink working there and shit.” He slips his hand from resting casually on your shoulder around the whole of your back, a slick little embrace. 

“You go to therapy?” You’re kind of surprised. 

“Has Rose not informed you? Everyone should have a psychologist, Dave.” He grins at that, thinking about Rose’s more-than-frequent rants about the importance of mental health. 

“Maybe you could call them today. For me.” All aboard the pathetic train. 

“Yeah, I got you bro. You uh, wanna get out of the rain? Crash at my place for a few nights?” He suggests. 

“I can’t go stay with Caliborn. He’s way too fuckin close with Karkat and, okay, I love the guy but he isn’t really the best with tact, you know?” You hope insulting Dirk’s boyfriend isn’t gonna piss him off. 

He ends up laughing, “Okay, yeah, good point. You should hear some of the shit he was spewing out when I told him what went down. You got a place to go though? John’s?” 

You put your face in your hands, “Is it dumb as fuck if I wanna see Rose?” 

“Course not, kid. Y’all were close as fuck in high school, when you were helping her through all her shit. Go get some twin bonding time in. Besides, she and Kanaya have a spare bedroom.” 

“Drive me?” 

“Hell yeah” 

You’re both soaking wet as you knock on her door. She and Kanaya pooled their equally-large trust funds to straight up buy a brownstone in Park Slope, the domestic little shits. She’s not expecting you, neither of you called ahead, and she looks a little anxious when she opens the door. 

“What the hell did you two do?” Are the first words out of her mouth. 

“I’ll leave you here, kid.” Dirk says to you, and skips back down the steps after punching Rose affectionately on the shoulder. 

“Dave? Where are your shades?” She asks.

“Hey, uh, Rose. What’s crackin’, sis? Can I, uh, just wondering if it’d be cool for me to crash here for a little bit.” The second you’ve said it out loud, admitted that holy shit you cannot go home, the lump in your throat gets bigger and you’re failing to fight back tears. 

“Oh… Dave, yes, come in.” 

You end up crying into her stupid knitted sweater, blubbering about how you forced Karkat to break up with you and how Jesus Christ you just want to call him. She calms you down in her weird Rose way, giving you tea and reading your tarot and having cagey discussions about both of your feelings. 

Dirk calls you to tell you he managed to get an emergency appointment with a therapist set up on Monday. Rose and Kanaya make you dinner and set you up with a spare laptop in their guest bedroom, promise to wake you up with breakfast and some sort of distracting activity in the morning. 

You so aren’t going to sleep. 

Karkat’s online. 

You break after about ten seconds of swearing you aren’t going to talk to him. 

TG: hey man are you ok  
CG: ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING RIGHT NOW.  
TG: i just wanted to make sure youre ok man  
CG: YES JACKASS I’M IN THE BEST FUCKING MOOD EVER.   
TG: im sorry karkat  
CG: CAN WE NOT FUCKING DO THIS RIGHT NOW.  
CG: I JUST GOT MY SHIT TOGETHER OKAY?  
TG: yeah sure  
TG: sorry   
CG: FUCK.  
CG: ARE YOU OKAY?  
TG: not gonna kill myself dude  
CG: DIRK FOUND YOU?  
TG: yeah  
TG: im staying at roses   
TG: i guess  
TG: ill have my bro come get my shit or something  
TG: just really cliché this the fuck up  
CG: FINE  
TG: i miss you man  
CG: FUCK YOU DAVE STRIDER. 

He logs off. 

He’s… gonna talk to you again, right? Fuck. This like… this isn’t over. This whole relationship. You couldn’t have fucked up THAT bad. You’re just… taking some fucking space? Right? 

Holy shit you broke up. You actually fucking broke up. You broke up and he’s never going to forgive you.

You spend five minutes digging around in the medicine cabinet of the guest bathroom, intent on taking something that means you don’t wake up ever, before you get your shit together and think about how broken Karkat would be. You opt for a double dose of NyQuil instead. Still not the healthiest, but it’s not gonna kill you. It’s just gonna knock you out for twelve hours. Twelve fucking hours you don’t have to think about how hard you broke both your hearts. 

You hit the pillow hard and don’t think about anything till morning. 

 

Living with Rose has you remembering exactly why you stopped living with Rose after high school. 

She’s your sister, and you love her, and fuck it is fun to get into that great witty banter with her when you meet up for drinks, but it is exhausting living like that all the time. You have no idea how Kanaya does it. You’re all about pretending things don’t matter and being cagey, but Rose has it down to a fucking science. She left two plates of dinner by your door tonight when you didn’t respond to her texts and you have no fucking idea what that means in passive-aggressive speak. 

Kanaya’s pretty chill, though. You worked for her years ago, so you obviously get along, but it’s cool as fuck being around her in a less professional environment where she can be her full snarky self with you. 

They’re both busy as hell, though, and over the past few weeks have proven to be less and less amenable to your frequent interruptions. Apparently listening to your sick beats is less important than Rose’s dissertation and, she informs you, the “job applications you should be filling out”. 

Right. 

Your brand new therapist thinks you should be working to get you back into the swing of being a real fucking person. Her words were a little more gentle, but you know she really meant, “get off your lazy ass and do something normal before you kill yourself”. 

You want a part time job in a museum teaching kids about fossils. You’re even mostly qualified for it, probably. Rose has helped you with your application, you’ve just gotta, you know, send it. Which is harder than it sounds. 

Everything is harder than it sounds.

Getting out of bed is harder than it sounds, especially with Karkat… with Karkat pretending you don’t fucking exist. 

You’re trying real hard to get your shit together so you can show up at his doorstep with proof that this won’t happen again, but shit, most of the time you just sit in your bed crying about him. 

Oh, fuck, Rose is pounding on your door. 

“DAVE. Dave. Dave. Dave. Dave. Ergh, I don’t even care what you’re doing, I’m coming in.” She does. 

“Woah, sis, what if I had something private going on here?” You kind of did, with the tears and all, but Dirk got you your shades back from Karkat so it’s nice and hidden. 

“You have to turn it off.” 

“Turn WHAT off?”

“The music, Dave. The fucking music. I have tried to gently persuade you to turn off the Michelle Branch by blasting my own music, but you can’t seem to take the hint. I can’t hear it anymore, Dave. Goodbye to You wasn’t cool when it came out, and it isn’t cool now.” Rose is not so subtly annoyed. 

“It’s irony.” 

“You’re crying.” 

“Ironically” 

“I can see Karkat’s Facebook on your computer. Quit torturing yourself. His face is still your Twitter profile picture, by the way. That’s probably inappropriate.” 

“I changed all the rest of ‘em…” You whine.

“It’s been three weeks Dave.” 

Yeah, the worst three fucking weeks of your life. 

You turn up your Michelle Branch louder. You see her clench her fists and narrow her eyes, but she leaves. You’ve got breakup privilege or something. 

TT: Just so you’re aware, Dave, Kanaya and I are having Dirk and Caliborn over tomorrow evening for dinner.  
TT: I hope you can manage to be more quiet?  
TT: Maybe silent.  
TT: Invisible, even.   
TG: yeah yeah i get it   
TG: ill be on my best behavior  
TT: I think John might be free. Maybe inquire what he’s up to.   
TG: well see 

You don’t manage to change the Twitter picture. Maybe next week. Changing the Facebook and Instagram ones got you so upset you threw up, and you’re not really feeling that right now, so, yeah. Later. It’ll happen… later. 

 

You kind of forget that Rose and Kanaya made dinner plans until you hear Caliborn’s ridiculous cackle echoing from downstairs. Probably you should go say hi, or something, but you don’t really have the energy to get all dressed up for them. So. Boxers it is. 

They’re all dressed to the nines, you’re assuming per request of Kanaya. And maybe Caliborn. Dude loves to rock a tie. Dinner is already cooked, everyone chatting at the table. 

You go ahead and grab a spare plate out of the cabinet and plop down next to them. 

“Hey bro, what’s good?” You ask, spooning pasta onto your plate. 

Rose looks all angry, but then Dirk starts chuckling, and she just collapses her head onto the table in front of her. 

“What?” You ask. Shit, this pasta is good. 

“Karkat wants to know how you are.” Caliborn says, making the awkward silence a hell of a lot more awkward. 

“Oh you know. Just chilling man. Applying for jobs. Getting my therapy on. I’m one fully functional adult, here, right in the prime of my fucking life.” You say, sarcastically. 

“He is terrible.” Caliborn responds. 

Dirk chokes on his drink. 

“Anyway, Dirk, you were telling me about the music festival you’re going to be playing at?” Rose diverts the conversation very directly away from you.

“Yeah that’s the thing, I might not be. Equius and I just got an offer to meet with a big name medical company- name fucking redacted or I’ll go to jail yo- about our patent. We’ve got some cutting edge cyborg limb shit going on. So yeah, that meeting is at the same time as this music festival I said I’d play months ago. I feel like a dick cancelling.” He explains. You… didn’t know Dirk was doing so well for himself. God, you’ve been a recluse for way too long. 

“It seems like you need to find a way out of the festival. Your invention with Equius seems to be far more important, both personally and on the grander scope of things.” Kanaya comments. Rose gives her this disgustingly cute smile. 

“It’s not like you can let Equius run the meeting himself, either.” Rose adds. 

“Exactly what I’ve been telling you, Dirk.” Caliborn grins. 

“I’ll figure something out. Anyway, how’s grad school going for you?” Dirk asks Rose. 

“Well, they gave me unlimited black and white printing, so I’ve killed an entire forest with readings alone. I’ve started work with a trauma lab that I’m quite interested in, though.” Rose says quite casually. 

“You started your dissertation yet?” Dirk asks again. 

“I’m drawing up ideas with my supervisor. I was originally interested in working with women, but Kanaya has brought up that, especially if I am including trolls in the sample, gender isn’t very clear cut so-“

You totally stop listening. It isn’t that you aren’t interested, it’s just that you don’t think you have the attention span to deal with this shit right now. You take out your phone instead. 

Karkat’s Facebook and Instagram and blogs are already in your phone’s history, easy access, up in two seconds. The only one that ever typically updates is his professional blog, which has been getting impressively popular. Buzzfeed wrote a fucking article linking to some of his work. Not that Buzzfeed is, you know, top of the line media, but people look at that shit. Hell, you just took six Buzzfeed quizzes this morning. You’re proud of him. Stupid fucking proud of him. 

You wish you could tell him. 

You know you can’t.

Not until you have your shit together. Not until the thing you spend the most time doing isn’t Buzzfeed and thinking about him. 

Everyone else at the table wants to play a board game. They settle on Catan, which is four person. You’re cool with it, with being the one left out, you don’t feel much like strategy right now anyway. More time to creep on Karkat. Karkat who… has new pictures on his Facebook. Karkat who went out to a bar last night. Karkat who looks drunk and happy and isn’t that dude’s hand a little fucking close to his face? Who IS that guy? 

“Caliborn, who is this?” You show him the picture. 

Everyone looks at you. Apparently they were in the middle of a game-altering deal or some shit. 

“Sollux’s brother. Troll brother. Whatever they call it. Like I was saying. Rose. Three sheep. For two ore.” Caliborn replies, and then immediately hops back to the game.

Sollux’s brother. Mituna? You think that’s it. Has Karkat been staying with Sollux? Is he sleeping with this guy? He’s fucking TALKING to him in all of these pictures. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. 

“I’m gonna throw up.” You announce, and stand up from the table. You feel everyone’s eyes on you, but proceed to the bathroom uninterrupted and wretch you guts out. 

You spend the rest of the night in your room, staring at these pictures, listening to your siblings have their stupid fucking beautiful cute adorable double date. You fucking hate everything.

You still hate yourself. 

You still have flashes of metal and blood popping into your head as possible solutions. Tall buildings, fast moving cars, Rose’s medicine cabinet, Rose’s medicine cabinet, Rose’s fucking medicine cabinet. 

“Dave.” Oh, shit. Rose. 

“Ain’t got the manners to knock, sis?” 

“You do realize you weren’t actually invited to tonight’s gathering.” Her lips are pursed. 

“Aw, what? You sick of me already? I was thinking of going old school elementary school Dave and Rose, getting us some bunk beds, dropping down some cute little notes to you and Kanaya on the bottom bunk in the middle of the night-“

“Oh my God Dave you have to move out, you have to move out.” 

“Wait… what?” 

“Dave, I love you, but I swear I am going to kill you if you don’t move the hell out of my house.” She looks apologetic, almost. 

“I thought we were having fun? Jamming out to our high school music and-“

“Do you really think we’re having fun?” She asks.

“O… kay. I guess we have different lifestyles. Still don’t have to kick me out.” You probably should have seen this coming. 

“Tavros is looking for a roommate.” She offers, instead of an answer. 

“Yeah. Saw that online. I just… didn’t want Karkat to think I was stealing his friends.” You say. 

“Karkat’s the one who told me. He assumed you would be trying my patience by now. Called me a few days ago.” She explains. 

“And ruining your dinner date in my boxers was the final straw?” 

“It wouldn’t have been so bad if you didn’t keep putting your feet on the table.” 

“Guess I’m moving out.” 

“Thank the outer gods for that.” 

 

Tavros still lives in his old apartment, the one he shared with Gamzee. It’s in the same neighborhood you and Karkat used to live in. You still don’t know if Karkat broke the lease and moved in with Sollux or- no. No, now is not the time to think about it. 

You’re trying to have fucking solid first weekend together with Tavros. New roomies. He… needs to get out, anyway. You’re trying to get him looking all spiffy for your night out. It’s hard when he’s still trying to wear a bunch of Gamzee’s clothes. 

“Uh, Dave, who’s going to be there again? I don’t, uh, I’m not sure if I want to go after all.” Tavros complains. 

“Dude, come on, my pal Jade from high school is visiting, I want you to meet her. And Nepeta will be there- you like Nepeta.” You try to encourage him. 

“Yeah, we’ve been hanging out, again, I guess.” He sighs. 

“You don’t gotta go out, dude, but I think you’ll have fun. It’s just a couple drinks. I can’t even have that much. Therapist thinks I’m still too sad for that shit, and something about my medication.” You explain. 

“Let’s just, uh, go. Before I change my mind.”

The bar is loud and dark, just the way you hate it. Nepeta very clearly chose this place. She and Jade are both there already by the time you and Tavros arrive, chatting like they’re old friends. You’re… pretty sure they actually met on some weird online furry RP site, and later found out that oh wow the coolest kid D Strides is their IRL connect. 

You try not to think about it too hard. Furryways. 

“DAVE! I feel like I haven’t seen you in years!” Jade leaps into your arms when you walk over to the table. 

“Heh, right? I haven’t been home in so long, man. What’s up with you? How’s your research going?” You hug her back- it really is good to see her. She’s got her hair braided now, some of it her natural color, some of it green. She looks… admittedly pretty hot. 

“Pretty great, cool kid! How are YOU? I, uh, do you need to talk about… it? About Karkat?” She asks with her eyebrows furrowed together. 

“Eh, not right now. Let’s join these two… they seem to be ahead of us in drinks.” You motion over to Tavros and Nepeta, who are giggling in the corner of the booth. 

It’s nice to see Tavros out having a good time after all these months. Nepeta was always a solid friend for him in college, you know it stung the both of them when their romantic shit went south and they got too awkward to talk anymore. 

You decide to let the two of them be distracted by rekindling their friendship and focus on Jade. 

She buys your drinks- all of them. You’re pretty sure it’s to make sure you’re not drinking too much. John must have talked to her, then. Wonderful. 

“Hey, tell me about the stuff you’ve been doing Dave!” She requests.

“Uh, well, a solid nothing for a full year. I’ve been getting back into my music, though, and have been trying to draft SBAHJ into something a little more sophisticated. Then waiting to hear back from a gig at the museum.” You tell her. It’s not very exciting, but it’s more than you could’ve told her two months ago. 

“Okay, I’ve got to see that art some time. It sounds so cooool.” You can never tell if she’s being sarcastic or genuine when she says that, but you get the feeling it’s genuine with a strong mask of sarcasm. 

Maybe you’ve taught her well, or something. 

“What else is up with you Jade? Is Jake doin alright?” You’re not entirely up to date on any of their lives. 

“I think Jake is still beating himself up over all that stuff with Dirk. He misses him.” Jade looks upset. You know how close she is with Jake. Seeing him fucked up over your bro can’t be easy.

“Shit. Is this like, the kind of situation where I should be telling Dirk to talk to him?” You and John always felt hyper responsible for the way your brothers treated each other in their relationships. 

“It’d probably be nice if Dirk would at least TALK to him.” Jade says. 

“Oh, hell, he hasn’t been talking to Jake? Asshole gets so distracted by his relationships he forgets that other people exist.” You tell her. 

“Like you’re much different?” Her smile has some bite behind it. 

“Woah, hey, when the fuck did I ever do that?” You ask her. 

“When’s the last time you talked with me?” 

“Dude, that was about ME, not Karkat. Jesus.” Sometimes, you’re worried she still has feelings for you. Or residual feelings. Something. 

“Have you been… doing okay?” She gives you that look everyone’s been giving you, that ‘omg you’re gonna off yourself without Karkat aren’t you’ sympathy stare. 

“Uh, I don’t know. I’m getting my shit together, finally. But then there’s the whole missing him every fucking second thing. So. I guess we’ll see.” You tell her.

“Do you… are you getting back together?” 

“Great question Jade. Topic of the fuckin hour.”

“You want to, huh?” She smiles, sadly. 

“No fuckin shit.” 

“Hey, Dave, Jade! We wanna play pool. Doubles?” Nepeta says to you both from across the table. 

“Only if I’m on your team. Dave SUCKS at pool.” Jade grins. 

This is your first night out in… fucking ages. You can’t pretend you don’t have a good time. You’re feeling warm from the few glasses of booze, and Tavros is smiling a genuine smile, and Nepeta and Jade are adorable kicking your asses at pool. It smells like booze and stale tobacco, and the lights are low, and Sam Smith is singing into your soul harder than you think should be possible. 

Okay, right, hanging out with people is a good time. How did you forget that?

You offer to take Jade home. She doesn’t need it, she’s better at directions than you are and tells you you’re taking the wrong turn three times in a city she doesn’t even live in. Still, she’s kind of naïve as fuck and you don’t want her taking the subway back to John’s alone. Besides, you haven’t seen your best bro since you, you know, you lost your shit in front of him a month ago. It’s probably time to make amends for that now. 

She’s drunker than you are- she made sure of that- and is getting maybe a little more affectionate than you should be cool with. It’s nice, though. No one’s touched you in a fucking month. Having her legs draped across you on the subway is comforting. Makes you feel like someone besides your ex fucking boyfriend actually gives a shit about you. 

So, yeah, you get a little carried away and let her walk arm-in-arm with you when you get to John’s stop. 

“Holy shit, so glad we’re inside, it’s fucking cold as nuts out there.” You say, shivering. 

“Maybe you should have worn something more than a T-shirt.” She giggles. 

“Maybe you should’ve been a gentleman and offered your coat to me, god damn Jade.” You’re totally joking. You didn’t mean it as flirting. You don’t expect her to kiss you, don’t see it coming, but she does. 

Her hands are dug into the shirt she was making fun of not ten seconds ago, and her lips are moving, and yours are not. You take about twenty seconds wondering why the fuck girls keep kissing you without your damn permission when you feel like it’s pretty clear you’re super in love with Karkat- first Terezi, all those years ago, and now Jade. And then you step back. 

“Jade, no, what-“

“ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?” It isn’t Jades voice yelling, like you expected. 

“Karkat? No, oh my god, no no no, Karkat, no.” Okay this is a big major giant fuck up. 

“Yeah, John. I see what you mean. He’s doing fuck great. Fuck you, Dave.” Half of that is directed at John, a conversation you weren’t a part of. 

“Karkat, I wasn’t-“

“You hadn’t gone out with me in MONTHS, Dave.” He sneers. 

“Karkat, he’s not lying it was-“ Jade, precious angel, tries to jump in to save you.

“FUCK YOU DAVE.” 

God, fuck, why have you seen him storm out on you so many times? Fuck, fuck, fuck.

“Dave? Jade? What the hell is going on?” John looks concerned as hell. 

“Jade, I have to go after him.” You grab her by the shoulders, look her in the eye. You want her to be okay, but you NEED him to okay. 

“I know, I know, I’m sorry.” She looks mortified. 

“Don’t be sorry I just, fuck, I have to go. I’ll come back, okay? Okay?” 

You don’t wait for a response from either of them before bolting the fuck out the door. 

“Karkat? KARKAT?” You have to find him. You literally have to. 

\------------------------------------------------

Dave Strider just broke up with you.

Or, okay, maybe you broke up with him. 

Your back is still pressed against the wall he pushed you against, the taste of his lips is still in your mouth, his shades are still in your hand. And then he walked out. Just left. Used the door to exit. 

Your arms are numb. You don’t really get what’s going on. Your head feels like it’s on fire, and you can’t stop pacing, holy shit, sitting is the worst, but you can’t stand up, what the fuck is happening? Is this seriously happening? Fuck fuck fuck fuck. 

Holy shit Dave, no, no. 

You’re shaking, you can’t stop. You try to stabilize yourself with claws in your arms but FUCK you can’t muster up the strength it takes to do that. 

You feel like you’re falling. Or floating. Something, god, you feel something terrible.

You take out your phone to call him. You don’t know what else to do. You cannot keep feeling like this, you have to call him and take it back and-

No. No. No, you didn’t do this. You might’ve said the words. But he won’t come back. You saw it in his eyes. He’s leaving. You can’t call him. 

Shit, though, fuck, is he going to be okay? Literally last night he was screaming at you about how goddamn badly he wants to kill himself. Okay, maybe you should call him. You… cannot let him kill himself. 

You can’t call him. 

You call Dirk instead. Someone has to find him, make sure he’s safe. And you don’t think it can be you anymore.

Okay, that thought hurts. Like, choking back sobs hurts. 

You press Dirk’s number. 

“Yo Karkat? What’s good kid? You having trouble getting through to Caliborn or something?” He asks you. 

“Dirk.” You try to say about seven other eloquent things but all that comes out is his name drowned out by tears you didn’t really realize you were producing. 

“Holy shit what happened.” You hear him sheath a sword on his end of the phone. Or maybe unsheathe one. Shit. 

“Dave… he, oh fuck, you have to fucking find him. Last night he- he kept telling me and John how much he wants to fucking be dead.” There’s so much more to the story that you’re way too terrified to say out loud. 

“Fuck, Dave, god fucking damn it. Okay, Karks, where have you already looked? We’ll find him, alright man? How long’s he been missing for?” Dirk asks. 

“No, no- I. Fuck, I can’t go look for him. I broke up with him.” You lose your shit. You’re not pretending not to cry now. There is no fucking way in hell you can get your shit together after saying that out loud- you broke up. You broke up with Dave Strider, you can’t do this, you can’t do this, you can’t do this. 

“Karkat. Karkat. Hey, man, listen. Karkat. Dude, do I need to come get you?” Dirk is trying to talk to you. Fuck. 

“No I’m FINE.” You’re obviously lying. 

“Okay, dude, I’m tracking his phone. I see where he is. I’m gonna go get him, alright?” Dirk tells you. 

“Please make sure he’s okay.” You’re pathetic. 

“I will, alright dude? Should I send Cal over there?” He offers. 

“I just want to be alone.” You just want Dave to come back. 

“I’m gonna make sure you’re alright later.” He promises. 

“Whatever.” 

You hang up. At least Dave is gonna be okay. 

You shouldn’t hurt yourself, not over him, not like this. But you do. First with claws in your shoulder, and then with a razor- the razor he used to use for art- all over your arms, till you’re covered in your horrible mutant blood. This is bad. This is worse than you’ve done in years, too deep, too many, too much blood. 

It’s stopped you from crying, though. You’re not hyperventilating anymore, not thinking about Dave and all of his things in your apartment, and how he slept next to you last night, and the way his legs feel wrapped around yours, and the scars on his chest, and the way he smells after a shower and- god, god this is a lot of cuts. 

You didn’t sleep last night. You were up watching him breathe, making sure he was safe, running your hands through his hair, kissing him out of consciousness when he’d stir. You’re exhausted. It makes it easier to fall asleep now, caked in your own blood, even though the sun’s still up. 

You don’t remember your dreams. 

It’s dark when you wake up. Night time. You’ve slept all day. The first thing you feel is that sinking regret of wasting a whole day. The cuts on your arms start stinging- oh, right. You hurt yourself. Oh my god. Dave is gone. You… broke up with Dave. It’s real. He isn’t here. 

You cry again. It doesn’t help the pit in your stomach. Nothing does. 

You have the guts to be angry with him, now, alone in the dark. Angry, because you tried to help him for months, and he WOULDN’T LET YOU. You tried so fucking hard, told him you couldn’t lose him, not after Terezi, and he wouldn’t let you fucking help him. He let himself spiral. He made you break up with him. He didn’t even have the fucking balls to do it himself. 

You hate him. 

Okay, no, that’s bullshit, you love him. 

But you’re angry he let it get this far, when you’ve been trying so hard for both of you for so long. 

You can’t think about it anymore. You boot up your husktop. 

Instantly, he’s messaging you.

TG: hey man are you ok  
CG: ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING RIGHT NOW.  
TG: i just wanted to make sure youre ok man  
CG: YES JACKASS I’M IN THE BEST FUCKING MOOD EVER.   
TG: im sorry karkat  
CG: CAN WE NOT FUCKING DO THIS RIGHT NOW.  
CG: I JUST GOT MY SHIT TOGETHER OKAY?  
TG: yeah sure  
TG: sorry   
CG: FUCK.  
CG: ARE YOU OKAY?  
TG: not gonna kill myself dude  
CG: DIRK FOUND YOU?  
TG: yeah  
TG: im staying at roses   
TG: i guess  
TG: ill have my bro come get my shit or something  
TG: just really cliché this the fuck up  
CG: FINE  
TG: i miss you man  
CG: FUCK YOU DAVE STRIDER. 

You shut your computer. Bad fucking plan. Bad, bad, bad plan. You were like, thirteen seconds away from asking him to just come back home. 

You… hope he comes home. Eventually. You don’t really know how this is supposed to work, this breakup that you didn’t want, that he insisted he didn’t want, either. 

He still loves you.

He just needs to be alone. 

What the fuck does that MEAN? 

You know it isn’t cool to take drugs, but god. Terezi left a bottle of Xanax here months ago, and you do not want to be awake right now. You figure your anxiety is probably high enough to warrant that shit, anyway. You take two, and wait for them to kick in. 

The Mayor climbs onto your chest, and you fall asleep together. 

You pretend his breath is Dave’s. 

 

You don’t have the money to break your lease, but a week into the breakup it is very fucking clear to you that you do not have the strength to continue living in the house you used to share with Dave. Especially with all his shit gone, now that Dirk’s taken it off to Rose’s. 

You’ve got to crash somewhere else for a few weeks. Maybe shit will be fixed by then. Maybe he’ll move back in. 

Or maybe you’ll have the guts to admit he hates you and is never coming back, and can just live there alone. 

Whichever. 

Eridan has been worried as fuck about you, calling you constantly, making sure you’re okay. 

He and Sollux have a place of their own, with Sollux’s assigned guardian. The dude, Mituna, has some profound disabilities. Sollux feels some responsibility for him. They’ve got the same fucked up psiionics, the same bipolar disorder, and Mituna protected the crap out of Sollux when he got to Earth. He can’t quite stand holding a conversation with the dude, but Sollux feels like he should keep him around, as repayment, or something. 

The three of them have a pretty big place, with an extra room you could totally crash in. It’s their “media room”, so it’s only got a giant couch instead of a bed, but fuck. Good enough. Better than crying into the spot on the bed that Dave no longer occupies every night. 

So, you crash with them. For an undetermined amount of time. 

“Okay, Karkat, the thing ith, I’m not putting up with your blubbering all the time. Okay?” Sollux tells you. 

You kind of took Eridan up on his offer to let you stay there without Sollux’s consent. Jackass. 

“Sol, he’s having a rough time right now. Chill out.” Eridan warns him. 

It still freaks you out that you live in a world where Eridan Ampora has become your genuine friend. 

“Ugh, you know I care about your shit Karkat, just, try not to wake me up with all the crying.” Sollux rolls his eyes. 

“Oh, because I haven’t listened to you bitch and moan about relationships before.” You roll your eyes right the fuck back. 

“You gonna be fine in here Karkat?” Eridan asks. They both have to be up early as hell the next morning. It’s only ten, but they’re essentially putting you to bed. 

“I’m fine, just fuck off.” You assure them.

“Mituna’ll come home a little later. Be nice if you’re still awake when he gets back, jackass.” Sollux warns. 

“No, I was planning on beating the shit out of him. Isn’t that customary behavior for house guests?” You already sick of living with Captor, holy shit. How did you do this for three years of college?

You don’t really sleep, ever, so of course you’re fucking awake when Mituna gets home. 

“Oh you’re fffuck, you’re thollux’s friend.” He says. His speech impediment is worse than Sollux’s. He seems anxious, on edge, something. 

“Yeah man. You okay?” You ask. 

“No. Yes. I’m sorry.” He’s apologizing for essentially nothing. O..kay. 

“It’s fine dude. You wanna… watch some TV or something?” You ask. It’d be cool to have some company. 

“You want to hang out with me? Are you fucking kidding? I’d like to stick my- mm, fuck, sorry, sorry.” He’s clearly struggling to keep his shit together. Sollux warned you about this. 

“Seriously, just chill. I’m just watching some shitty sitcoms.” You say. 

“Fuck yeth, Thresh Prince is my favorite.” He sits down next to you, not quite getting comfortable. 

“Of fucking course it is, this show rocks.” You agree. 

Hanging out with Mituna becomes kind of a regular thing. 

You hang out with Sollux and Eridan, too, but, god. You didn’t realize how annoying couples were until you were no longer a part of one. The mutual decisions, the compromises, the knowing looks given to each other- god you want to strangle them. They aren’t even fully matesprits, they’re still stuck in the vacillation limbo, and they’ve got this mushy shit going on. 

So, yeah, you spend your time with Mituna. 

You like that he’s a mess. It feels terrible to admit, selfish, six levels of fucked. But you do, you like it. You like that he doesn’t judge you for your yelling, for crying about Dave, for slicing yourself open. You like that he’s done some of the shit you’re doing. You like that he’s done some of the shit Dave did, that he can give you insight. You like that he needs you. That he likes having you around. That he flips out less when you’re sitting next to him, that when he falls and hits his head, he looks for your hand to help him up. You like that he’s letting you do the things for him that Dave never did. 

You might be using him. 

You’re trying not to think too hard about it. 

Buzzfeed wanted to do an interview with you. Not in person, which, fuck, considering your penchant for screaming people’s heads off is probably good. Not that you come across much better via internet, but you can at least turn the caps lock off to make yourself seem a little less ridiculous. 

It’s stressful though, their questions. Half of it is boring shit you expected, but then there’s so much focus on the direction of the movement and your involvement in it- as if Alternians are a fucking collective who all have the same exact god damn goal that you’ve been elected to pinpoint. They focus so much on shit you don’t think is important, and don’t listen when you try to bring up the things you want to talk about. 

It’s Buzzfeed, though. People will see this. People, as in humans. Even if you’re not getting to the point you really want to get to, you’re getting something out there. Even if it’s just the vague idea that trolls are treated like shit on Earth. 

God, you’re going to end up having so many comment wars once this goes up. Fuck. 

Mituna’s the only one home when it’s all over. 

You want to tell Dave about it. He’d care. You think. He still cares about you, right? That’s still a thing?

You type out “HEY DOUCHEBAG GUESS WHAT I’M DOING” to him. Then you erase it. 

You don’t think you should be bothering him when he’s trying to pull his shit together. You don’t think you can handle it if he doesn’t respond. You don’t think you can handle finding out he doesn’t care about you anymore. 

You get a text from someone else, though. 

AT: hEY, UH, KARKAT  
AT: aRE YOU, UH, STILL LOOKING FOR A PLACE TO STAY?  
AT: i SORT OF THINK IT’S, UH, TIME FOR ME TO COME TO UH, TERMS WITH GAMZEE’S DEATH.   
AT: aND I CAN’T PAY THIS RENT ALONE.  
CG: I’M STILL PAYING RENT AT MY OLD PLACE.  
CG: I’M MOVING BACK THERE. EVENTUALLY.   
CG: I’LL KEEP AN EYE OUT FOR PEOPLE THOUGH.  
CG: YOU SHOULD  
CG: FUCK  
CG: DAVE IS GOING TO END UP NEEDING A PLACE.  
CG: THERE’S NO WAY HE AND ROSE ARE GOING TO BE ABLE TO STAND EACH OTHER MUCH LONGER.  
AT: wOULD YOU BE OKAY WITH THAT?  
CG: YEAH IT’S FINE. 

You log off, though, because talking about it isn’t fine. 

You call Rose because you are literally scum. 

“Karkat? Is… are you alright? Is Dave alright?” She answers immediately. 

“I’m… wait, isn’t he WITH you?” You ask.

“I don’t have cameras on him.” She sighs. 

“You probably should. You do know him, right?” 

“Why are you calling me and not him?” She sounds frustrated. 

“He broke up with me, Rose.” You say. 

“He doesn’t- ugh, never mind. Why are you calling?” Yup, hella frustrated. 

“Tavros needs a roommate.” 

“And?”

“And I know there is no way Dave isn’t driving you up a wall.” 

She starts laughing, “Okay, checkmate. Is there anything else I should be conveying to him? A love poem, perhaps?” 

Fuck. 

You hang up, because apparently leaving people mid conversation is your thing now. 

“Mituna. Mituna, get the fuck in here. You’re taking me out for a drink.” You instruct him. 

“Thounds like you’re gonna fuck me Vantath. You wanna get a load of thith bulge?” He’s in one of his shitty moods, apparently. 

“Fuck you, Mituna.” 

“I’m sorry.” 

“Yeah, I know. Come on.” 

You don’t take him anywhere too loud, you know he can’t handle it. Just one of those shitty neighborhood bars where you can do a couple shots and make sure he sticks to juice. He skateboards there, because he’s a fucking dork. 

You give it a go, the skateboard, because why the fuck not? You are terrible at it, and he’s a worse teacher. It’s fun though. He lets you hold on to his arm while you practice moving forwards, and by the time you get to the bar you can totally stand perfectly still on the skateboard and jump like half an inch off the ground. Dave would be fucking impressed. Oh, right. He used to skate. Why didn’t you ever have him teach you? 

“You’re thinking about him, aren’t you?” Mituna asks. He’s got this expression that’s straddling depression and rage. 

He knows you well enough by now to be able to assume that you’re usually thinking about Dave. 

“You never fucking talk to me about anything besides him, fuck, fuck, fuck.” He’s getting upset. 

“Chill out, Mituna.” You instruct. 

“You’re a slut.” 

“Suck a bag of bulges.” 

“Fist me.” 

“Okay, too fucking graphic, get your shit together.” Getting into an obscenities match out in public is probably a bad call. 

“You think I’m awful, don’t you?” He asks, self pity written all over his face. 

“No, I just want to drink.” 

“You’re the first person who’s asked me to hang out in awhile.” He admits once you’re inside. 

“Well, they’re fucking jackasses. You’re coherent as fuck, your therapy’s been going great.” You tell him. 

“My outbursts…” 

“Oh, like me or Sollux or Eridan never flip out and yell at people?” You ask. 

“I’m still sorry.” 

“I know.” 

You kind of pride yourself on how good you are at handling him. If all your diamonds weren’t pointed directly at Dave, you’d say this was setting up to be a successful moiraillegiance. Successful minus your complete lack of feelings. Is that fucked up? 

Mituna puts his hand on you when you’re taking drunk selfies later. Not in a weird way. Just a hand on your face pulling your grimace up into a smile, an arm casually around your shoulder. You wouldn’t think anything of it, had it been any of your other friends. Mituna doesn’t like to be touched, though. You think Sollux is the only person you’ve seen make physical contact with him the entire three weeks you’ve been staying with them. You try not to think to hard about what it means. 

You’re drunk by the time you get back home, so much so that you think it’s hilarious when he posts all the shitty pictures you took on the internet. 

A part of you hopes that Dave Strider sees them and misses you so much he calls you. 

He doesn’t. So you convince Mituna to stay up with you and talk, because it’s better than being alone, thinking about Dave. 

“Hey, I know you’ve been in therapy for, fuck, the entire time I’ve known Sollux but… what the fuck happened, Mituna?” You ask him. It’s been on your mind for awhile now. 

“You know Solfda fffuck, hehehee, fuckkk.” He grabs for your hand. You let him take it. 

“Hey, it’s cool, I’m here.” 

“Sorry, sorry, sorry.”

“Shut the fuck up, it’s fine, like always.” 

“Sollux and I,” He continues, “We came here together.” 

“What the fuck?” Sollux has never mentioned this before. 

“The Condesce was rounding up Psiionics on Alternia. I… Sollux and I and a bunch of others were being taken to her. He and I were the only kids. Fuck, he looked like he’d just pupated. I couldn’t… I’m horrible, and I couldn’t save the rest of them. But I got us out. I got us to Earth. It almost killed me, but I saved him.” He takes his hand back.

“I didn’t mean to make you think about it. Sorry.” 

“Sorry I’m fucking pathetic.” 

“Hey, you and me both, bulge brain.” 

The way he takes his helmet off and smiles at you reminds you of how Dave looks at you. Looked at you. 

Fuck. 

 

You go to John’s a week later. Half of you feels guilty, like you’re trying to steal Dave’s best bro. The other half of you really needs the god damn fucking scoop on your ex boyfriend. Clearly, John knows what you’re here for, too.

“So what do you want to know about Dave?” The kid grins. 

“Oh, that’s the only reason I could possibly have wanted to hang out? Are we not fucking friends anymore Egbert?” You growl at him. 

“Ha ha, Karkat calm down, he asks about you all the time too. It’s kind of annoying.” John tells you. 

“Then why the fuck does he never call me?” You murmur. 

“Do you… ever call him?” 

“…point fucking taken.” 

“I still don’t GET this breakup Karkat. Both of you obviously still want to be together.” John sighs. 

“He wasn’t… He didn’t really want to be with me, okay? He wanted time alone to get his shit together. I wasn’t helping. I was making things worse for him. Emotionways.” You explain. 

“He’s doing pretty shitty emotionways without you.” John mocks. 

“Wh- is he okay?” You get a little overly concerned about it, jumping up out of your chair and everything. 

“Oh my god, calm DOWN. He’s… better? I don’t know. Rose is less worried about him.” John tells you. 

“Is he… in therapy?” 

“Yeah.”

“Finally, jesus.” 

John continues, “I’m pretty sure he got a job, too. And he’s been working on his art.” 

“He’s… actually better off without me, isn’t he?” You have to swallow a lump in your throat. 

“No! Karkat, cut it out! He’s doing this FOR you! Could you two just, get your shit together and talk to each other?” 

The universe is terrible and hates you, so the apartment door swings open to reveal none other than a slightly drunk Dave Strider and significantly more drunk Jade Harley. 

“Holy shit, so glad we’re inside, it’s fucking cold as nuts out there.” Dave says, shivering. 

“Maybe you should have worn something more than a T-shirt.” She giggles. 

“Maybe you should’ve been a gentleman and offered your coat to me, god damn Jade.” Dave is flirting with her. That is such a fucking line. 

They kiss.

“Jade, no, what-“

You’re going to kill him.

“ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?” Yeah, you’re actually going to kill him.

“Karkat? No, oh my god, no no no, Karkat, no.” 

“Yeah, John. I see what you mean. He’s doing fuck great. Fuck you, Dave.” You cannot believe he’s trying to defend himself.

“Karkat, I wasn’t-“

“You hadn’t gone out with me in MONTHS, Dave.” 

“Karkat, he’s not lying it was-“ Fuck Jade Harley and everything she’s saying.

“FUCK YOU DAVE.” 

You don’t make it too far after you storm out. Apparently you’re shitty at it. You can’t get the picture out of your head. Dave, your Dave, touching someone else. You aren’t the last person he kissed. You aren’t the person he wants to be kissing. Was it her the whole fucking time? Were you some shitty placeholder? 

“Karkat, fuck, fuck, you’re here. Karkat, I didn’t kiss her, okay? She kissed me and we’re just drunk and-“ Dave found you, of course he did, you made it to the end of the street before you sat your ass down on the curb to cry. 

“I have done NOTHING but think about you for the past month… and then I see you, and you’re kissing someone?” You think he broke you. You feel broken. 

“Kat, please, I love you.” He sits down next to you, and all you can think about is how pretty he is, how much you want it to be your lips on his. 

“Don’t use that fucking name with me anymore.” 

“Karkat, come on.” 

“What? What the fuck do you even want me to say? You want to get back together, Dave?” You might be really asking him. You aren’t sure. 

“Karkat, I…”

“You don’t want to.” 

“I can’t. Dude, I’m such a fucking mess. I don’t want to ruin things with you, okay? I just need some fucking time to-“

“To make out with Jade fucking Harley? Yeah, I get it.” You wish you weren’t crying. 

“NO. Dude, that wasn’t- I’m not gonna make out with anyone, I just want to be ALONE.” His voice is raised. He never yells. You hate this. 

“Without me. Yeah. Got it.” 

“That’s not-“

“YEAH, IT FUCKING IS.” 

He’s silent, just looking at you. 

“I’m never going to forgive you for this.” You tell him, dragging yourself to your feet. You’re going home, you’re going the fuck home. 

“Dude, don’t leave. We can talk shit out, I MISS you Karkat…” 

“DON’T. If you’re not… if you’re not going to BE with me, I can’t DO this. Are you going to be with me, Strider?” 

He doesn’t say anything. 

“Don’t follow me.” You instruct. 

Your hear him crying as you walk away. Or maybe that’s you. 

You’re a mess when you get back to Sollux’s place. Your face is hot with tears, and you’re furious, and you’ve got Dave’s kiss with Jade playing on repeat in your mind. 

You know Mituna is asleep. You knock on his door anyway. 

“Kar…kat?” 

You know he likes you. You know he likes you, and you know Dave Strider kissed someone else, so why the fuck can’t you? 

“Shut the fuck up, Mituna.” 

You push him back down onto the bed, climb onto his lap. 

“Karkat, are you-“ 

“I said shut the fuck up.” 

You kiss him. You can feel him smile. He kisses you back. 

“Are you sure you want this, Karkat?” 

No. You don’t. You don’t want this at all. Instead you say, “Are you?” 

You let him grab you by the hair and climb on top of you. You don’t mention how much you hate being on the bottom.

He undresses you, fast, messy. His lips are smaller than Dave’s, his hair is coarser. He’s got horns. They’re fun to play with, honestly, but you aren’t used to reaching into someone’s hair and feeling horns. He’s being so gentle with you, you kind of want to throw up. He keeps grabbing for your hands, and kissing your forehead, and running his hand down your cheek. 

You pull down his boxers before you have the chance to second guess yourself. 

“Two- you, fuck you actually have two? I always thought Sollux was just being a cocky prick when he said that.” You laugh, you have to laugh. Mituna has two bulges, twisting around each other, yellow, gold, terrifying. 

“I’ll fuck your nook so good with them fucking whore.” 

You wish he could stop that, the angry tics, at least right now, at least when you’re making this mistake. 

He must see how upset it makes you, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I’m trying to stop, I’m sorry.” 

“It’s fine.” 

You kiss him again, to pretend to yourself that really, really, it’s fine, this is fine. 

You think you make the first move, pulling him down closer to you. Your bulges do the work on their own, pulling towards each other, both of his twisting themselves around yours. 

There’s nothing to do with your hips, not like with Dave. You don’t have to pull his clit onto your bone bulge, rock yourself against him. It feels lazy. It feels good. It feels different. 

One of Mituna’s bulges works it’s way inside of you, the other still intertwining furiously against your own. 

“I’m so happy, Karkat, I’m so fucking happy.” He tells you. 

You moan, you can’t help but moan with the tip of his bulge against your seedflap. You don’t have to do anything, you’re just laying here on your back getting fucked. 

It reminds you of the way Dave would worship you, tie you up and eat your nook out, tell you how pretty your bulge was. You miss his throat, you miss his tongue, you miss his everything. This is nothing like that. It doesn’t feel the same. You think that maybe, technically, it’s supposed to feel better. Mituna has all the right parts. He has extras of the right parts, and he knows where to put them, and the bulge around your own coaxes you inside his nook till his seed flap sucks the tip of you in, and god, fuck, it does, it feels good, but you have to press your face into his shoulder so he can’t see you crying. 

You pail. Of course you pail, you had a bulge in all the right places. He does, too, minutes after you, panting, whispering your name. 

“I, uh, I’m gonna go clean up.” You tell him. You toss on a towel, run your ass to the bathroom. 

You thought you were going to throw up. But you don’t. You sit on the toilet and bawl your eyes out. You’re sick, you’re disgusting, you’re fucked up, you hate yourself. You feel like you cheated on Dave. Dave broke up with you and kissed someone else and refused to get back together with you and you still feel like you cheated on him. 

You want him to leave. Mituna, you want him to leave. But it’s his fucking room. God, you want him to leave, but he can’t, you can’t make him do that. You don’t think you want to be alone, either. You want it to be Dave. You just want this to have been Dave. 

You have to go back to him, to Mituna. You don’t think you have much of a choice. You wash your face, wash off as much of this disgusting genetic material as you can. Try to make it look like you haven’t been crying. 

“Hey, Karkat. I’m really happy this happened.” He tells you, pulling you towards him in bed. He big spoons you. You hate being the little spoon. But it makes it easier to cry without him noticing while he places pecks on your hairline, your neck, your shoulders. 

You stay awake way after he’s fallen asleep, with his arms still around you. 

You want to be alone, you want to be alone, you want to be alone. 

Jesus fuck, is this how Dave felt when he was with you?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> jfc karkat no that is not how dave felt with you stop being self destructive 
> 
> ps this is the last time i am allowed to use jade harley as a plot device, ever, gfdi


	28. Chapter 28

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im like p sure this one is less sad yall

You’re supposed to be working. Well, okay, technically it’s your coworker’s turn to go on her little monologue to these kids about Dinosaurs, but you’re next up on the list and should be paying at least vague attention for your cue to come in about all the fossilized bugs you get to teach them about. At the very least, you should not have your attention centered on the closet where you keep all the craft supplies, thinking about how hot it would be if Karkat showed up the fuck out of nowhere and did you like a blushing virgin against the door. 

You think it’s fair to say that you have succinctly gotten your shit together, and subsequently lost it again in his absence. 

Okay, no, that’s not entirely true. It’s not like the depression never eats at you. It’s not like you don’t sometimes find yourself standing on the yellow line of the platform, wondering what it’d feel like if you let yourself wander off the edge right as a train pulled in. Sometimes it gets so bad you find yourself wondering which train would hurt the least. The 2/5 by Tavros’ house? You kind of can’t stand the idea of dying on the 5, fucking good for nothing commuter train that don’t do shit for you when you’re coming back from a late ass shift at work. Maybe the A/C that you’ve gotta take on your way to the museum. Is it fucked up that you like how crowded that line gets in Manhattan, that you think if you had to die, it’d be cool if a lot of people saw the platform painted in your blood?

Okay, yeah, that’s fucked up. It’s that kind of talk that had you not talking to Karkat for months. You can’t drag him into your morbid thinking, at least not before, not when it was worse, not when it was constant. 

The Prozac has you able to laugh this shit off now, instead of reaching your hand out as the subway would pull into the station, just to get a feel for the fast metal on your flesh, like you were doing three months ago. 

You’re still fucked, and have this deafening feeling that yeah, maybe that’s some permanent shit. 

It’s better, though. You can leave the house now. You do it, four fucking days a week, to get your teach on at this museum. Sometimes you make it out a fifth day to hang out with your bros. You’ve been putting a hell of a lot more effort into keeping tabs on all your pals, even if you don’t have the energy to go see all of them all of the time. 

Nepeta is always at your house now. She and Tavros dragged you into this admittedly hilarious game of Dungeons and Dragons. You play twice a month for, like, ten fucking hours at a time. Your character is one fine bard who plays a lovely instrument you’ve created in your head. NPCs fucking flock to hear her play the dick horn. Tavros blushes every time you bring it up, and Dungeon Master Nepeta is still trying to find a way to take the damn instrument away for good. 

You haven’t seen Dirk or Caliborn in awhile. Equius, either, but that’s less of a problem for you, Nepeta is just hella bummed that the three of them are on this little tour of medical conventions with their insanely advanced prosthetics work. They’re trying to keep the work in the “theoretical” stage, as far as the community knows, wait for Aradia to actually graduate from med school so that she can be known as the pioneering surgeon who connects these mechanical limbs to flesh. They’re all keeping it very fucking much on the DL that she has already completed this surgery successfully with Tavros, because she will for sure lose her medical license and maybe probably all of them will go the fuck to jail. 

Sometimes you honestly cannot believe those assholes pulled something like that off. 

You think John might be over his head in troll romance. Honestly, you’d never have pinned him as the kind of kid to get so sucked into quadrants. Rose, sure. Rose used the quadrant excuse like hell in high school, but she seems to have found the only damn troll on the planet who is totally into human monogamy. Okay, well, they’re both pale and ashen sluts, but at least flushedways they’re essentially married, and very much engaged. Even YOU were more down with quadrants back in the day than Mr. Traditional Egbert. Hell, if Karkat would take you in any of his quadrants after all the bullshit you pulled, you’d be down. 

But nope, it’s John. John who is definitely dating your big sis Roxy in a very matesprit way, but is living with Vriska and having something horrifyingly spades with her. You’re worried about him. Vriska is terrifying. And, you know, not even a little bit over Terezi. Maybe he isn’t either. Maybe none of you are. 

There’s this troll you work with who looks just like Karkat. Okay, that’s bullshit, no one looks like Karkat, but he’s short as hell and has this adorable pudge around the tummy and his hair looks like maybe he doesn’t know what a comb is. You’ve been working with him for months now, and you still don’t know his name because everytime he speaks to you all you can see is these goddamn flashes of Karkat’s neck in your teeth, and his black lips on your abdomen, and his hands in places that really, really you should not be thinking about right now. God, those HANDS…

“And now Pirate Dave is going to teach you all about fossils!” Your coworker introduces you. Right, shit, you’re at work teaching children, fuck, mind out of the Karkat gutter, Dave.

“Arrr, kids, let’s start off with some fresh jokes. Why do museums have so many old dinosaur bones? …because they can’t find any new ones. Get it? No? Guys? Alright, alright, tough crowd, you’re gonna love my song later though, just wait.” You start off. 

Kids fucking love you. You’re not gonna pretend it’s easy to stop all your mindless cursing in front of them, but hey, a fake pirate has to do what a fake pirate has to do. Besides, it’s nice getting to think about all the weird as fuck questions they ask on your subway ride home rather than, you know. How much you hate yourself, how much you miss Karkat, how empty the world feels with Terezi dead. Coming up with new shitty museum jokes gives you something to do in your spare time besides all the moping and laying in bed and wishing you had energy, too. 

So, yup. Now you’re a depressed dude with a hobby. Living the fucking dream. 

 

You’re glad when Christmas comes and you get a break, though. You can’t even pretend it’s not completely draining to have to be some normal neurotypical mother fucker every day when most of the time, you feel like crawling inside yourself. So, yeah, week and a half vacation. Score. 

You’ve convinced Tavros to head back to Washington with you. You wanted to get the hell out of New York. You like Tavros’ apartment, and all. It’s cozy and warm and usually vaguely clean, when he yells at you to wash the dishes and cart your junk out of the living room. But, that’s kind of the thing. It still feels like his apartment. Your apartment is still the one you share with- shared with- ugh, fuck. 

You’d have gone home alone, too, but having Tavros for company is going to improve the hell out of the quality of this trip. Everyone else in your stupid fucking family us all coupled up. Even the Egberts- John is mackin on your sister, and Jane met some fella who put a damn ring on her finger. Jade’s still single but, whoops, she kissed you a few months ago and that was hells of awkward, and everyone knows Dirk and Jake are either going to be attached at the hip or screaming at each other, despite their lack of romantic relationship. 

Tavros is gonna be your only solid lifeline, here. 

So, yeah. Long ass plane ride to mistletoe city. Minus the fun parts of mistletoe. 

The Christmas festivities are always hosted at the Egbert’s home, even though, let’s be real, your family’s compound would be way more accommodating spaceways. They love it though, those crazy kids. Dad bakes a shit ton of treats, Jane makes an incredible ham, John fucks with all of you by putting prank presents under the tree, and Jake rescues the real presents before John can completely fuck them up. You have dinner, you sing terrible Christmas songs courtesy of the drunk Lalondes, you eat dessert, you open presents, you play board games. Its fucking tradition, and its beautiful. 

Except, you know, for you this year fucking blows. 

You and Tavros get in late as fuck, but Dirk doesn’t sleep so he oh so kindly offers to drive Roxy’s car to the airport to pick you both up. You’re glad he doesn’t bring Caliborn. Caliborn is… good for Dirk, probably. But fuck, he sure has chosen sides in your breakup, and his loyalty does not lie with you. It isn’t as if you’re on your own side, either, but holy shit his insults get a little out of control. 

Either fucking way, it’s nice to be back in your childhood room. Weird, but nice. Familiar, nostalgic. You can almost pretend not to think about Karkat when you’re in here, if you totally fucking ignore that full summer you spent together in your bed after your top surgery and the- nope, Dave. That is not ignoring it. Jesus. 

You go downstairs to get yourself a warm glass of apple cider- aj’s beautiful big Christmas bro. Solid midnight snack- three fucking am on the east coast where you came from- while everyone else sleeps. If your depression didn’t suck the sleep right out of you, there’s no way you’d be able to wake up for presents in the morning. 

Only, you aren’t the only one awake. Kanaya and Rose are standing in the foyer off the kitchen. They don’t notice you shuffle over to the fridge, way too wrapped up in each other, literally. Oh- oh, the mistletoe. Jesus, that’s cliché, ladies, hot damn. 

“Merry Christmas, Rose.” 

“Happy 12th Perigee, Kan.” 

You get the fuck out of there, apple-cider-less, before either of them notice. You make it halfway down the hall to your room before sitting your ass on the floor, completely overwhelmed by images of Karkat. 

Fuck, god, why can’t you outrun this anywhere?

When you were sophomores, god that seems so long ago, that same January you kissed for the first time, but before the kiss, before he kissed you back, before you knew what you were gonna get to have with him, you were fucking with him. Of course you were fucking with him, you were already out of your head in love with the asshole and he kept FLIRTING with you, dickbag. 

So, yeah. You were fucking with him. You strung mistletoe the fuck all over the walk between his dorm to your own. Honestly, the plan was too fucking elaborate to be your style but, shit, you’d been living with John for two years and the kid’s pranks start to rub the fuck off. And did you mention how into Karkat you were? 

Kid was fucking livid the first time you said to him, “Oh, bro, mistletoe, I guess we have to kiss.” Took him about three separate instances to catch the drift that “Holy fucking grubsauce, Strider, YOU did this, didn’t you? Fuck me right in my-“ 

Shit. Your brain is having trouble filling in the exact expletive he used there. Bone bulge? Shame globes? No, those are too fucking obvious. “Fuck me right in my-“ Why can’t you remember? Why the shit can’t you remember? You’re supposed to remember every fucking detail from that holiday, that holiday was perfect, that holiday is when you- fuck.

Oh, jesus Christ, there’s a worse memory. Or a better memory. You’re not sure if the scale is supposed to be based on initial beautiful hot passionate love feelings or current gut wrenching where the fuck is my Karkat feelings. 

You don’t even know what fucking year it was- junior? Senior? That perfect fucking Christmas where everyone came to your apartment off campus for the holidays, and Rose and Kanaya got human engaged (note to self- you are allowed to just call it engaged if you’re talking to yourself) and Dirk and Jake got into their big relationship ending fight. 

Whenever the fuck it was, you were crashing in Karkat’s room all lowkey dating the fuck out of him while Dirk slept in your bed. You’d felt kind of shitty subjecting him to several weeks of your family. You love your family but, fuck. The swords, the alcohol, the backhanded compliments- yeah, it can get rough if you aren’t used to it. You were planning something hella romantic for him- fairy lights, snow, a romantic present, alone time.

Little shit showed you up though. You got back to his room expecting to romance the shit out of him and he had all this goddamn mistletoe everywhere. 

“Uh hey man what the fuck?” You remember the way he looked at you when you asked him that, proud as shit, gloating. 

“Do you not remember how much of an ass you were last year? With the fucking mistletoe lined up all the god damn way across campus?” He looked at you like he hated you, like he loved you. 

“Dude, only because I was trying to mack on you. Get a taste of that sweet Vitamin D.” You winked at him. 

“I have a BULGE, jackass. It’s Vitamin B, and you sure as fuck are going to swallow mine tonight. Now shut the fuck up and kiss me under your stupid weird human plant.” 

He grabbed you by the shirt and pulled you in, and his lips were all cold and chapped and you swear you can still feel his fingertips on your chest except that nope, no, that must all be in your head because the nerves in your chest are all kinds of numb after your top surgery and, god, this is killing you, right now, you’re dying thinking about him touching you, this has to be the end, his skin, his hair, his smell, his-

“Dave?” 

“Oh. Hi Rose.” 

Back to reality. 

“You’re sitting in the hallway… Were you watching us?” She sounds a little pissed. 

“You know me, sis, that’s what I get off on, watching my twin getting down and dirty with her alien bride.” You mumble. 

“I heard you talking to yourself about Karkat.” She tells you, crossing her arms.

“Shit.” 

“Dave, you should just apologize to him, don’t you think?” She suggests. 

“I needed time alone.” You complain. 

“It kind of seems like you’re over that.” She points out. 

“Shut up.” 

“Grow up.” 

“Says the girl who snuck downstairs in the middle of the night to give her girlfriend a handjob-“

“Aaand that’s the end of me being helpful. Enjoy the hallway, Dave.” 

“You know I will, sis.” 

You don’t think you can bring yourself to mope in your bedroom, so you don’t. You kind of thought being in your bedroom here would be nice. It feels more like YOURS than the shit hole you crash in at Tavros’ place, with less memories of you and Karkat than the house the two of you shared together. It’s still enough memories though. Too many for you to deal. So. Sleeping on the couch it is. 

Apparently no one in your fucking family sleeps anymore, though. You’re down there for, like, ten minutes when you see Dirk and Caliborn creep down the stairs- your brother much more successfully sneaking than his boyfriend. 

“Caliborn, shut the fuck up man, Roxy’ll kill us if she finds us opening the presents.” Dirk is saying. They still haven’t spotted you. 

“Dude, what’re you talking about? Roxy uses her fucking x-ray shit to scan all her presents ahead of time every year.” You add in, still sprawled across the sofa. 

“Dave? Oh, shit. Did you seriously just sneak up on me? Fuck.” Dirk looks disappointed in himself. 

“Soo… you do this every year?” You ask him. 

Caliborn is the one to answer, “Usually. He does this with Jake. I wanted to become a part of the tradition.” 

“So where’s… Jake?” 

You hear a crash in the kitchen. Jesus Christ. 

“Dude, what the fuck is that?” You ask Dirk.

“I dunno man, this was the extent of my plan.” He responds, gesturing to himself and Caliborn. 

The three of you head into the kitchen to see none other than Jake fucking English sneaking his way into the window above the sink. Tavros is standing there, trying to pull the kid in. 

“Jake? What the fuck?” Dirk whispers. 

“Oh! Dirk! Hi! I snuck over to, ah, so that we could open up some presents! Like we used to! I wanted to surprise you!” Jake says, still not quite through the window. You seem to be the only one who can move, so you walk over to hoist him all the way in. 

“And… Tavros?” Dirk asks. 

“I enlisted his help, of course! Texted good old Tavy this afternoon! Hi there, Caliborn. So glad you’re here!” Jake seems way too happy. This is probably some weird stunt to repair his relationship- platonically- with Dirk. 

“Dude, how did you know I’d still be DOING this without you?” Dirk asks again. He’s got both his hands on Caliborn, trying to calm him down. 

“I, didn’t, actually. Thought I’d be waking you up. And I could surprise you and Caliborn. I kind of figured it was still… our thing, you know?” 

You feel like this is the perfect time for you to cut in, “Hey uh, Tav, Caliborn. Let’s head upstairs.” 

“Oh. Oh, that’s just what he wants. To be alone with Dirk. To-“ Caliborn is livid.

“Cal, I gotta talk to him.” Dirk says. 

“We’re all tired of the DirkJake drama Caliborn. Best to just let them fight it out.” You add in. He follows you upstairs- him and Tavros both- reluctantly. 

They both refuse to go to bed until it’s all over. Looks like you’re having a fucking slumber party. You guess it’s better than sleeping alone in this bed without Karkat. 

Honestly, the fight doesn’t last as long as you thought it would. Dirk and Jake return looking awfully pleased with themselves, Jake’s arm around Dirk’s shoulder. You think its pretty fucking hilarious that Jake shot up an extra five inches over the past few years- kid used to be short as hell, but now he towers over Dirk. Who, admittedly, is also short as hell. 

First thing Dirk does is kiss Caliborn all nice and romantic. Hopefully that’ll stop the bitching you’ve been subjected to for the past half hour. And then- they all sit the fuck down on your bed. 

“We decided it’s gonna be a guys’ family tradition.” 

“So don’t tell your sisters.” Jake winks. 

They toss each of you a present. 

“You gotta watch how we open them though, we’ve got unwrapping and re-wrapping down to a fucking science.” Dirk warns. 

Someone whips out booze, and you all get hammered and completely destroy the wrapping paper. You wake up- all five of you crammed into your bed- to Rose and Roxy and Kanaya scoffing at the gifts scattered all over your bedroom floor. You’re sure they’d be pissed, if they could stop laughing. 

Christmas brunch does not go as smoothly as usual. You all cart over to the Egberts, bring the remaining still-wrapped presents with you. Jane’s got her cute apron on, and her fiancé is less generic than expected, and he and John and Roxy all head into the kitchen to cook with Jane and discuss some bullshit TV show that you’re sure is not half as funny as they’re trying to make it sound. 

Rose and Dirk get themselves locked into an argument that no one wants to touch with a ten foot pole before bacon is even put on the stove, so you’ve got yourself a quiet little chat with Kanaya and Caliborn going on. Caliborn is trying, poorly, to explain the concept of Cherub holidays to you. You’re… almost positive he has no fucking idea what he’s talking about. 

You still want to ask him about the whole “killing his sister” rumor but, ha, Dirk has forbid you from that, and he’s already all worked up about this Rose shit so you figure it’s best to just let it lie. For today, at least. 

Jane ends up setting the stove on fire. 

Probably it isn’t REALLY her fault. Roxy was doing her impression of a walrus with two straws in her mouth, and the eggnog was already out, and bacon grease sure is fucking flammable. 

While the rest of your family is throwing flour on the fire, you find yourself taking a few steps back, slumping against a wall, lost in another fucking memory. 

It was last winter, in your apartment with Karkat. He was neck deep in notes, trying to make legal and ethical sense of a court case he attended with one of his activist groups. Neither of you had eaten all day- he was usually great at being the cook but when he gets sucked into a project… daily needs always seemed less important to him than that. 

And you, being the pathetic piece of trash you are, could only manage to get your shit together and feed yourself when Karkat one hundred fucking percent needed you to. 

So you were making toast. Only neither of you ever bought a toaster, so you had it stuck in the broiler, but then you went and got distracted planting kisses all over Karkat’s exposed spine. Fuck, you haven’t thought about his spine in that much detail since… okay, since yesterday, whatever. 

But yup, toast in broiler, you fondling Karkat’s vertebrae for twenty minutes, giant fucking fire in your kitchen. 

Karkat totally panicked and had no idea what the fuck to do, and you just started pouring these tiny ass cups of water into the broiler until he snapped out of it and realized it was not fucking working and went to grab- of all fucking things- a bucket out of the closet. Not like, a sex bucket, y’all never got that kinky with your shit but, uh, you know. It was still cute to see Karkat’s face dumping a bucket of water onto this toast fire. 

You completely miss your family putting out the bacon fire thinking about Karkat. They’re all in the kitchen, all of ‘em, laughing their asses off, talking about what a close fucking call that was. You remember doing the same thing with Karkat that night. God, you’re losing it. 

“Dave?”

Okay, people have got to stop interrupting your emotional flashbacks. 

“Jade? Oh, shit. Did you just wake up?” You ask her. Her eyes are all sleepy, and she’s still wearing a bathrobe. 

“Mmm, yeah. What’s happening here?” She points into the kitchen.

“Bacon fire.”

“Bacon fire. Right.” 

“Oh god, does this mean no bacon for Christmas?” You’re suddenly pretty upset about something that is not Karkat. 

“Are you kidding? Do you have any idea how much bacon this family buys?” Jade laughs. 

“Man, I don’t know, I’m not allowed to cook Christmas brunch.” 

“Yeah, for a reason.” 

“Hey, I’m not the one who set the stove on fire today.” You elbow her.

“Oh, shut up and let’s go help them clean up.” She grabs you by the front of your shirt and drags you off into the kitchen. 

You have a good day. You do. You swear. You love your family, you love seeing Tavros smile when he and Jake cream everyone at Pictionary, you love fighting with Rose and giving gifts and opening gifts and getting hella invested in a marathon of Family Feud. What you really love is how many people are around. 

Okay, yeah, it’s overwhelming. It was always overwhelming, even when you were a kid, but now, with all these intrusive thoughts about Karkat… it’s kind of cool having a distraction every ten seconds. 

But then it’s the end of the night, and everyone is drunk. Dad Egbert went to bed hours ago, and Dirk and Caliborn are locked in a game of Mario Kart, and Rose and Kanaya are eating raw cookie dough in the kitchen with Jane and her boyfriend, and shit, even Jake and Tavros are hanging out like they’re suddenly best buds, reading adventure novels out loud to each other. 

You’re happy for them. Probably. Mostly. A little bitter. Mostly happy. 

The one that’s killing you the most is John. John, your bff, the kid you lost your virginity to, the kid who knows you better than anyone else, who is out on his old swing set kissing your older sister. Normally it’s you and John inside bitching about your siblings and all the dumb shit they’re doing. You guess that isn’t… what’s happening anymore. It stings. 

You go out to the front porch to whine to yourself. 

Jade comes and finds you. You guess she’s in the same boat as you, single and surrounded by this god awful holiday romance. 

“You having a bummer time tonight buddy?” She flops down next to you. 

“Are you?”

“Seems kind of stupid, that they’re all dating someone.” She sighs. 

“I think you mean unlikely. Please tell me how WE ended up being the single ones? Do you see us, Jade?” You say. 

“Hey, my family is cute! O… kay, so, maybe I don’t get the John thing.” She laughs. 

“Hey, Jade? I uh…”

“Oh, god, I knew you were going to do this.” 

“Wh- I haven’t even said anything yet, cool your jets, Harley.” 

“You’re about to apologize, are you not?” She raises an eyebrow at you. 

“You deserve an apology…” You say. 

“Okay, no. Jeez, I was worried you were going to make this a whole big thing in your head. I… I’M sorry, Dave. I didn’t mean to fuck with you and Karkat.” She tells you. 

“I messed up me and Karkat.” 

“I shouldn’t have kissed you when I knew you still loved him.” She sighs. 

“Maan, I was leading you on like crazy, flirting and shit. I should have realized you still-“ 

“I still…?”

Fuck. Are you being a dick again? “You still have feelings for me?” 

She laughs again, “Idiot, I DON’T have feelings for you.” 

“You, uh, kissed me though.” 

“I was drunk, Dave. And you WERE flirting. It wasn’t a serious thing. You realize that not all kisses are serious things, right? Oh, god, you don’t, do you? You’ve never HAD a casual make out before. Things make so much more sense now…” She has her hand on her forehead like she’s piecing together your past with this new revelation. 

“Wait, so you’re not, uh…” You have no idea what to say here.

“In love with you? Gosh, sorry, I know the super cool Dave Strider isn’t used to people not falling at his feet swooning but, nope. You’re just my friend, Dave.” She’s still giggling like hell. 

You sling an arm around her shoulder, “Holy shit, that’s a relief. Now we can bro out for the rest of vacation!” 

“So glad you don’t have to feel guilty anymore, douche.” She rolls her eyes. 

The front door swings open behind the both of you, and you turn around to see John smiling down at you. 

“I was looking for you two! Are you doing okay, Dave?” He sits down next to you and his sister. 

“Just having a nice casual chat with my good pal Jade Harley.” You wink at her. 

“Rose told me you were upset about Karkat last night.” He just jumps right the fuck in. 

Looks like you’re doing this. 

“Yup.” 

“Could you just talk about your feelings, Dave? Jeez!” Jade knocks into you, annoyed. 

“What am I supposed to say? That I miss him? That I obviously am still in love with him? That it was one hundred percent my fault for flipping out and ruining shit with him in the fucking middle of him mourning Terezi? And now he’ll totally never trust me again, even though all I want to do is date him. Oh, shit. I… want to ask him out again. Ha, woah, didn’t realize I was there yet. Shit.” 

You look at your friends because you have no idea what to do with that brand new information. Jade looks excited. John looks…. Terrified. 

“Are you really ready for that?” He asks you. 

“Dude, okay, I know I’m still not like, a big fucking neurotypical you know? I’ve still got shit, but, I mean, these meds have my head on straighter. I’m not probably going to off myself anymore, and I make it out of bed at least three or four days a week and all I fucking do is think about him, guys.” You tell them.

“I don’t want to be the downer here but wasn’t that a part of the problem? Only thinking about him?” Jade questions. 

“Shit, no, not like that. It’s not- I don’t NEED him anymore. For awhile there it was like, when he walked out of the room, the floor dropped out and I was… whatever. It isn’t like that anymore. I just, it’d be nicer. If he were around.” You explain. 

“Then ask him out! Fix your shit, Dave.” Jade cheers you on. John won’t look at you, he just claps you on the back. 

It makes you a little nervous. 

Mostly you’re thinking about calling Karkat. 

\-----------------------------------------------------------

You wake up before Mituna. Or maybe you didn’t sleep at all. You do a whole fucking lot of laying in his bed, staring at his blank white wall, feeling the annoyingly slow rise and fall of his chest behind you, the weight of his arm across your stomach, his wild hair tickling the back of your neck. 

You try to let him sleep for as long as possible so you don’t have to look him in the eye. 

He’s excited this morning, though. It’s twelfth perigee, and you’re all having your friends over. You’re dreading it. Thank fuck it isn’t happening for hours. 

“You awake Karkat?” Mituna kisses your shoulder, your neck, the back of your head. 

You try to stay quiet, but it’s useless, “Mmn, yeah. I guess.” 

“How can you be grumpy on a holiday?” He asks, propping himself up on an elbow to get a better view of your face. You keep your gaze fixed on the wall. 

“It isn’t even Twelfth Perigee, you realize that, right? Earth annual units do not align with those on Alternia- there’s still another like, three, actual Alternian Perigees before the end of the sweep, you know? And I think it’s bullshit that we’re expected to just shift the timing of our holidays because this planet is rocketing around the sun at an absurd rate.” You’re not really upset about this. Or, you are, but not as upset as you’re pretending. 

“FUCK Karkat, it’s Twelfth Perigee, just have fun. It’s not about these shitty troll causes all the time. Fuck, FUCK.” His hand balls into a fist on your stomach. 

“Can you not flip the fuck out at me first thing in the goddamn morning?” You whisper it, not too harsh. You know he can’t help it. And it has been getting better, really. His medication dosage has been increased, and the sexual expletives barely happen in public anymore. The mood swings are still there just, less. And he seems more cognizant of them with you around. 

“I’m sorr-“

“I know, shhh.” You grab his balled up fist, rub a thumb across it. It takes him a minute, but his breathing evens out. 

“I am sorry, Karkat.” You like it better when he apologizes calm, when it isn’t self-deprecating. 

“I know.” This time, you let him roll him over so he can kiss you. Your breath is awful, the both of you. 

“You want to finish that episode we started last night?” He asks, reaching towards his desk for his laptop. 

“I can’t fucking believe you fell asleep during the episode, fart breath.” Really, his breath is terrible. You wish he’d brush his teeth. 

“So, what monster was Dean hunting again?” He asks, trying to settle himself into a cuddle on your chest. You… are a little embarrassed that the two of you have been watching Supernatural because… yeah. But it is fucking hard to find shows that weren’t your shows with Dave, okay? Jesus. And Mituna doesn’t really seem to mind how god awful the plot is, anyway. So. 

There’s a knock on the door, and Sollux opens it without waiting for a response. 

“Are you two really going to watch TV all morning inthead of helping Eridan and I set shit up?” He complains. 

“We’re not even cooking, chill the fuck out. I’m happy to order the Chinese food for you if it’s too hard for you all by your fucking self.” You grunt back at him. 

“At least take a shower. You both smell awful.” He rolls his eyes and shuts the door. 

“He’s right, for fucking once. I’m getting in the shower.” You announce, pushing him off your chest so you can get out of bed. 

“I’ll pause this and join you.” He offers. 

“No.” It comes out too fast. You probably hurt his feelings. 

“What the fuck Karkat?” Yup, you did. 

“Sollux is already pissy enough, you really want him bitching about our shower sex all day?” You cover up quickly, throwing in a wink for good measure. 

“Ha, good point. Later then?” He winks back. 

“…Yeah. Later.” 

What the fuck is wrong with you? Mituna is sexy, and so nice to you, and not so bad in bed. You should want to fuck him all the time. Sometimes you do. It’s not like you don’t like him. It’s just, you always end up on the floor of the bathroom afterwards crying about Dave Strider. Dave fucking Strider. Fuck that kid. 

But you’re still in this shower thinking about him. It’s… two in the afternoon? Shit, you slept in late. He’s probably back in Seattle with his family, waking up around now, going to the Egbert’s for brunch and shit. Okay, not probably, definitely. You may or may not have asked John about it. 

You wonder if he’s actually dating Harley, now. Now that you pretty much gave him every fucking reason to do so. 

Not that he didn’t deserve the shit you said to him. He shouldn’t have left. It wasn’t fucking fair the way he just left. How he got himself better to go see her, to go kiss her. How he was clearly fucking mentally healthy enough to be romancing someone, but no no, not you. Not fucking you. 

Fuck Dave Strider, fuck his girlfriend. 

You fuck your matesprit when you get out of the shower, his rancid breath and everything, to prove a point. 

You still cry afterwards. You’re pretty sure Mituna has no idea that’s been happening for months now. Ideally it stays that way. Ideally, the crying stops. 

Your friends arrive soon afterwards. Luckily Mituna has a chance to clean himself up first. Nepeta and Equius are the first to show up, Vriska a few minutes after them. Feferi picked Aradia up from Grand Central- as if Aradia couldn’t find her fucking way on her own- so you’re all stuck hungry and awkward waiting an extra twenty minutes for them to arrive. 

This is so not your game, a hosting a holiday party. You’re not exactly a party guy. You didn’t think Sollux was, either, but Eridan seems to have his purple blood panties in a bunch about being able to show off about something or another. So here you the fuck are. 

While Nepeta is bragging to the group about the medical conference Equius just got back from (admittedly, the technology he and Dirk created his impressive as hell), you manage to sneak off to the balcony where Sollux is chain smoking. 

“You stressed or something asshole?” You ask him. 

“I don’t like partieth.” He responds. 

“Yeah, me fucking either. Just want to be alone.” You sigh, hanging your head over the railing. 

“Gueth you haven’t been getting much alone time rethently, eh?” He elbows you, a little too hard. 

“If we’re making fun of a couple, it’s going to be you and Eridan.” You tell him. 

“Hey, Karkat? He really fucking loves you, you know that, right? Fuck, can’t believe you’re dragging me into your fucking romanthe problemth, fuck you.” He shakes his head. 

“No, he doesn’t.” You might be trying to convince yourself about that. 

“When you dump him, let him down easy, okay?” Sollux takes a drag of his cigarette. 

“When? What the fuck Sollux?” You’re pretty fucking sure you weren’t planning on dumping Mituna. 

“Oh, come on KK. You don’t love him.” 

“Says who?”

“Oh, you love him now? That’th why you’re inthide cuddling up to him right now?” 

“You’re not in there making out with Eridan, either. What, you two are breaking up now?” You retort. 

“That’th different. Eridan is an athhole. Mituna isn’t an athhole. …Mostly.” He says. 

“Why the fuck would I break up with him?” You’re yelling maybe a little too loud. 

Sollux just gives you this “you know exactly the fuck why” look. 

“I’m not breaking up with him, Sollux! I’m going inside, right now, oh look! To hold his hand! Have fun in the cold smoking yourself to death, bulgebrain.” You slam the door a little too hard. You can see Sollux roll his eyes through the window when you plop yourself down next to Mituna and grab him hand emphatically. Fuck Sollux. 

No one asks you about your relationship. Not that you don’t like it that way. You’re private, and it isn’t their goddamn business. But come on, not even Nepeta? Not one comment cat girl? You think they think your relationship is a joke, and you hate it. 

You hate to say this- god you hate to say this- but Vriska is probably your best fucking friend. It’s nice having her there as backup. Or as an escape buddy when the stories of Twelfth Perigees past get a little too sentimental for your taste. The two of you end up on the balcony, once Sollux is back inside. It’s too cold out there, and you wish there was a better place to hide, but it’s a tiny fucking apartment. 

“You got that footage I sent you, right?” She asks you. You both talk a lot about work. Neither of you really feel much like talking about other things. Your friends? Nope. Two of them are dead. Love lives? So, Terezi and Dave? Not gonna fucking happen. Work is pretty much the only safe topic either of you have. 

“Yeah. The last three minutes made me physically sick.” You respond. 

“I, okay, I’ve been trying not to meddle, alright Karkat? But what the fuck are you doing? With Mituna.” Oh, jesus, she’s breaking the rule. She’s supposed to be the person you have nice safe conversations with, and she is totally fucking you over. 

“I could ask you the same thing about John. You really think he can handle a kismesitude?” You retort. 

She snorts, “See, thing is, I am aware that I’m making poor choices. John, Meenah- I’m fucking them both over because I am sad about Terezi. You don’t think you’re doing a goddamn thing wrong though, do you Karkat?” She says. 

“I like Mituna.” 

“You love Dave.” 

“No! No, fuck that! Fuck him, Vriska. He kissed-“

“Blah blah blah I’ve heard it a thousand times, shut your mouth trap for two seconds. We all know you’re still in love with him. Could you do us all a favor and admit it to yourself so we don’t have to watch you drag Mituna along for your bullshit games anymore?” She tells you. 

“How the fuck could I trust him not to leave again after this?” You ask her. Maybe sincerely. 

“I blinded Terezi and she found a way to forgive me. You’re a big boy, Vantas. Figure it the fuck out.” She sighs. 

Mituna chooses this point in the conversation to come check on you. 

“What’s going on out here? You yelling about something specific Karkat?” He asks, big stupid smile on his face. 

“Vriska’s just telling me I should call Kankri and I am resisting the hell out of that bullshit.” You lie. 

Vriska audibly scoffs behind you. 

“You should call him.” Mituna encourages. 

“Yeah, yeah. I’m gonna take a walk around the block, or you’ll all hear me actually screaming.” You need to get out of here, anyway. Mituna kisses your cheek as you walk past him. 

You wish you weren’t in a constant fucking state of guilt. 

You’re not actually going to call Kankri. 

A text, sure. But you cannot stand to hear his voice right now. You think he might be shacking up with Latula, anyway. That shit is too much for you to handle right now. 

Walking was stupid. Being alone was stupid. You’ve spent the past three or four months carefully constructing a system where you never have to be the fuck alone with your thoughts, and now you’ve gone and imposed it on yourself on Christm- Twelfth Perigee. Jesus. 

You’ve got to get Dave’s voice out of your head. 

You’ve got to block out these images of you and him on the holidays, holding hands, tearing open presents, throwing gift wrap at each other. It smells like hot chocolate and cider- fuck he loves cider- and like letting cinnamon burn on the stove a little too long, and mistletoe and holly, and like him, like musk and jasmine and honey and evergreen. 

Fine. Fucking, fine, universe. You miss him. Is everyone happy you’ve admitted it to yourself? You miss Dave Strider. You have no idea how to DEAL with him, but you miss him. It is Christmas and you miss him and you wish you were going home to him in bed instead of Mituna Captor, except that you don’t, not entirely, because you don’t think Dave wants you there. 

Even if he said he did, you don’t know if you’d believe him.

You call him on your stupid phone. 

It’s so EASY. He’s still in your favorites list, because you are weak, and god, it is so easy to just press the button and call him. You don’t put the phone to your ear right away. You’re just staring down at it like you honestly cannot comprehend what the fuck you just did. And then you hear him mumbling on the other side of the line, and you scramble to bring the phone up to your face. 

“What the fuck do you want Dave?” Okay, nope, whoops, you called him jackass. 

“Uh. You do realize you called me, right? Oh, shit, are you hells of wasted right now? High on the hooch? Riding the-“

“Shut up, I’m not drunk Dave.” You cut him off. 

“Dude I have so many more booze jokes, you really gonna cut me off there?” You can hear him smirking, god, it’s killing you. 

“Yeah, that’s why I called you, to hear you be a wise ass. Please, continue, let’s see how long this shit can play out for.” You goad him. 

“Why did you call? Not that it’s, you know, a problem. I was just sitting out here, looking at my phone, thinkin’ about calling you too, dialing you up.” He sounds nervous. 

“So what did you want to talk about?” You throw the question back at him. 

“Just, stuff. It’s uh, Christmas. Or Twelfth Perigee. It ain’t really Twelfth Perigee on Alternia, is it?” He asks you. 

Fuck. Of course he knows that, douche bag. Your own troll matesprit doesn’t give a shit about it, but Dave Strider does. What an asshole. 

Oh, fuck. You cannot tell him about your alien matesprit. 

The guilt starts eating away at you again. 

“Thank fuck someone besides me noticed that. Sollux and Eridan are having a ‘Twelfth Perigee’ party. It’s stupid, it isn’t even Twelfth Perigee.” You complain. 

“What, so you didn’t go to the party?” 

“Like I could fucking avoid it, it’s happening at the god damn place I live.” You yell. 

“Dude, you live with Eridan and Sollux?” He asks. 

“What- John didn’t tell you?” You’re surprised. You know… a whole lot about what Dave has been up to. 

“John’s real fucking cagey about you. He has no problem mackin’ on my sister in front of me, but Karkat? Nooo that shit is too private.” God, you’ve missed his voice. 

“Well newsflash, nothing exciting is happening with me.” 

“You were on Buzzfeed, dude.”

“You… saw that.” Fuck. You’re still afraid you sounded like a moron in that. 

“It’s Buzzfeed, of course I saw it, the internet wouldn’t let me not see it man. The questions they asked you were stupid as hell, but the way you spun it was great. You’re also fucking hilarious, by the way.” He sounds like he’s smiling. You wish you could see it. 

You’re definitely smiling, “Okay do you have any idea how hard it was not to flip the fuck out at that guy? He clearly had no idea about any legislation involving troll rights. I’m so glad he interviewed me online or I probably would have ripped his throat out.” 

“Okay, that would have been an interview I’d love to see.” 

“You’re disgusting.” 

“Guilty as charged bro.” 

“I hear you got a job dressing your ridiculous ass up as a pirate teaching kids about science and shit.” You tell him. 

“What? John’s dishing my secrets to you but all I get is radio silence?” He groans. 

“I’m going to need a picture of you in the pirate outfit.” You’re completely serious. 

“Dude, they’re all over Facebook.” He tells you. 

Oh, shit. “Dave, we aren’t friends on Facebook. I can’t see your posts.” 

“Oh. Right. I guess my shit is on super private lock down. You know yours isn’t, right?” He asks you. 

“Fuck. I guess I should fix that.” 

“You look like you’ve been having fun dude. Saw some pictures of you getting wasted with a friend or some shit.” Dave sounds anxious. 

Fuck fuck fuck, he’s talking about your night out with Mituna. 

“Hasn’t been that much fun.” You answer honestly. 

It’s awkward for a second. You can hear him breathing. 

“Should we be talking about us?” He says it out of nowhere. It knocks the breath out of you. 

“Don’t know what there is to say.” You respond. 

“Why’d you call tonight, Karkat?” You swear you catch desperation in his voice. 

“I don’t know.” 

“Do you… miss me, dude?” 

“Fuck. Whatever. Yes.” 

“I miss you too.” 

“Dave I-“

“You’re pissed, I know you’re pissed, Karkat. Okay dude? I know. You know I’m sorry, right? Like, straight up bearing my fucking soul sorry. And I’ve been working on getting better dude. Meds, and a therapist, and-“

“Kinda of seemed like you were doing that all for Jade.” You have no right being jealous when you’re literally living with Mituna. But you are. You’re jealous.

“You never let me explain that, dude.” 

“I know, I know, SHE kissed YOU. You didn’t want it. But you’re still with her right now, aren’t you?” 

“Uh, yeah? And my whole family? Dude, I don’t love her. And she doesn’t love me.” He says. 

“What, but you love me?” 

“I thought that was kind of obvious.” 

“You LEFT me, Dave.” 

“Not because I didn’t love you.” 

You pause, and then tell him, “I shouldn’t have called. This is too fucking much. I don’t trust you Dave. I don’t trust you not to leave again. Fuck, you don’t even want to get back together with me, so I guess it doesn’t fucking matter if I trust you.” 

“Obviously I want to date you again, Kat. What?” 

It is fucking stupid how fast your heart is racing. 

“I still don’t trust you.” You tell him. 

“Yeah, well, I guess I figured. I’m gonna, fuck, this is so cliché, I’m gonna show you that you can trust me, dude. Okay?” You think he’s crying. 

“I shouldn’t have called.” 

“Dude, call me whenever you want.” 

“I can’t do this.”

“Kat…” 

“Don’t call me, okay?” 

“Karkat, fucking wait, we don’t have to do this.” 

“NO, no, four months ago YOU didn’t have to break my heart. Now, yeah, fuck yeah, I do HAVE to do this.” 

You hang up. 

You wish you were still talking to him. 

You consider calling him back, laughing it off, keep bullshitting about nothing. 

But you can’t. 

You walk your ass back to Sollux’s apartment. Everyone is still there, drunk and laughing and playing video games. 

Mituna greets you at the door. 

“How was Kankri?” He asks. 

“Fine.” You lie to him a whole lot, don’t you?

“Hey, well, Happy Twelfth Perigee, Karkat.” He wraps his arms around your shoulders. 

It isn’t fucking Twelfth Perigee. 

“Yeah, yeah, Happy Twelfth Perigee.” 

Fuck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yo... two more chapters till we're done :) 
> 
> (ps i hated this chapter??) 
> 
> if anyone is interested, ive got a few more davekat fics planned. one of them is a oneshot (is that what kids still call them now a days?), and the other is a longer more in depth thing. uhhhhhhhhh but you all have been angels so if anyone has any requests for things they want to see, let me know? no promises that ill be able to do it, or that itll be super long if i do. but i want to know the kind of content youre looking for because, seriously, all of my readers are da bomb. 
> 
> oh also gonna promo my trashy tumblr one more time, corybanticgloom@tumblr.com 
> 
> xx


	29. Chapter 29

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well midterms definitely delayed the production of this chapter

Okay, so, no lie, you were feeling shitty as fuck after your phone call with Karkat on Christmas. You spent the rest of your time in Seattle bitching about it, which has John really happy with you by the way. Rose too. Oh, how she loves to hear you complain. 

Then Nepeta called you and offered you a DJ gig at some fancy artist loft party on New Year’s Eve. Normally, you would have fucking shirked yourself right on out of that obligation. But she mentioned that, “all your friends were going”. And you may have forced out of her that, hell yeah, Karkat is included in “all”. 

This’ll be the first time you see him in- shit. In three fucking months. You’re not missing out on that opportunity. This is the perfect chance for you to show off how well adjusted you are, how depression is not completely kicking your ass. You’ve got a pretty sweet playlist lined up, too. You… may or may not have snuck a shit ton of Karkat-centric songs in there. Just, you know. Stuff you know he likes. A couple slow, romantic ones. This is gonna be the night you get him back. It’s happening. 

Tavros is hella annoyed with you, waiting for you to get dressed. You just, you want to look good. You have to look good. No, no, that’s bullshit, you have to look the best. Better than all the other guys in the room, better than you ever have or ever fucking will. You’ve got to slay him. 

It takes awhile, but you settle on velvet and shaving the sides of your hair, having the top all long and floppy. It was a risky move, cutting your own hair half an hour before you’re supposed to attend the most important party of your life, but you think it worked out. You’re looking fresh as fuck. 

“Um, Dave, I think that if you spend anymore time getting ready, you’re going to end up missing the party, and then all this getting dressed for Karkat, won’t matter.” Tavros peeks his head in your room.

“Damn, so salty Tav. I get it, I get it, we gotta go.” You waive him off. 

“Shouldn’t you be, setting up, for your, uh, DJ whatever?” He asks. 

“Yeah it’ll be fine, some dude is playing before me. My set is short as hell, it ends at midnight, I don’t got much to set up for.” You explain. Really, the biggest responsibility you’ve got is staying sober enough to make sure you stop the music at the thirty-second countdown to midnight and hook the sound up to the TV that’s showing the ball drop. Rich house parties, yo. Classy as fuck. 

“Okay, more important, is, who are we kissing at midnight? Do I have to kiss someone at midnight?” He looks a little panicked. 

“Dude, I’m kissing Karkat.” You wink. 

He winces, visibly. Apparently you’re painfully pathetic. 

You continue: “And bro, you don’t gotta kiss nobody if you don’t want to. I know that isn’t really your game. Or just have a friend kiss. Vriska’s bringing Meenah, so John is definitely free.” 

“I’m, uh, hell no.” 

“Oh, come on Tav, he ain’t a bad kisser.” You wink again. 

“I think that I might, hate everything, about this conversation. Nevermind.” He throws your jacket at you.

The party is already a shit show when you get there. It’s not really your scene, in some Manhattan loft with a bunch of white human artists that have way too much damn money for, apparently, booze and drugs. Nepeta is networking her fucked up little butt off, though, so you’re glad you’re all there to support. Chick deserves some recognition for her painting. 

“Daave! Tavy! Oh jeez, I’m so glad you’re here! No one besides Fefs and Equius have shown up yet, I’ll come set up with you Dave!” Nepeta leaps into your arms and you swing her around a little bit. You don’t actually see your other two friends anywhere, but you’re sure they’re around. 

“John’s on his way, don’t worry chick. Your artist friends are…” You trail off and look around.

She hits you playfully, “Shut up! I know, but if I get a job at this gallery… he told me to bring cool friends to his party, so you better play some good music, Dave!” 

“My remixes are fire. Tell her, Tav.” 

“They’re, uh, I think they’re pretty good. He has some of those, songs that, people really like at parties, too.” He tells her. 

“Oh, Nep, is Karkat still coming?” You try to throw it in there all casual, but your two friends look at each other like you just told them you were going to bomb the party or some shit, “What?” 

“Maybe this party isn’t the best time for you to talk to him.” Nepeta suggests. 

“Dude, it’s just Karkat. It’ll be fine.”

They don’t have time to protest. You’ve got to set up your equipment.

The dude playing before you is good. He’s got plenty of his own songs in his set, too, so you figure you aren’t too far off base with the playlists you’ve got planned out. Nepeta is still talking at you and Tavros, but you’re having some trouble focusing. Parties aren’t really your scene. You’ve just fucking started going out again, and Karkat’s going to be here, and you have to play your music in front of everyone. Your music is sick, but, fuck, you don’t even know these art assholes. 

You’re kind of glad Karkat doesn’t get there before you go on. He can just walk in, see you in your fucking element, get swept off his feet. That’s the goal, anyway. 

“Yo, DJ turntechGodhead in the house, let’s roll out these New Years tunes.” No one really pays attention to your announcement, save Tavros who is grinning at you like an idiot, but you drop into the beat. You kind of forgot how much you like playing music. You haven’t written a single fucking song since you dumped your perfect boyfriend. You missed it.

Karkat’s there by ten forty-five. You see him walk in, arguing with Eridan. He’s very pointedly looking away from you. You queue up one of his favorite songs immediately. Maybe that’s shitty and creepy. Maybe he won’t even realize it’s directed at him. You’ve got another hour and fifteen minutes to play this game with him, though, to get him to notice you, get him to realize you’re still head over heels for him via the music you’re dishing out. You’re ready. Flirt through the goddamn music, Strider, since you’re complete shit at doing it with words. 

Ok, moment of truth, here’s the fucking crossfade into that shit and- and he looks up at you. He looks terrified, and then furious. Seething. It’s all just for a second, and then he turns on his heels and walks into the next room, tugging Eridan along after him. Hell yes. You’ve got him hooked for the rest of the night, you know you do, you know that every time a song comes on he’s going to be thinking about you. Hell yes, phase one complete. 

By eleven-twenty, you’ve snuck in two more songs you know Karkat knows are aimed at him. They’re not fucking terrible embarrassing ones. Just, you know. Ones he really likes. And the one romance one. It’s totally cool. You’re killin it regardless, people cannot stop dancing. You wish you could see his face right now, wish that he hadn’t run off. But it’s cool. He’s thinking of you, you know it. 

Five minutes later, John (when did John come in? Shit’s getting crowded as fuck) rushes over to you. You queue a quick playlist to give yourself a chance to talk to your best bro. 

“Yo, Egbert, when’d you get here? Sneakin’ around me like fucking Tom Cruise, all Mission Impossible.” 

“Dude, okay, I would love to joke with you about Tom Cruise, but you have to stop.” He looks dead serious. 

“Uh, stop making Tom Cruise jokes? Shit, man, did he die during my set or some shit? Am I being insensitive as hell? Aw, man, Tommy, what happened dude?” 

“Dave, shut up! You’re pissing Karkat off, okay? This- you can’t- you can’t hit on him right now, this is a big night for Nepeta and he’s going to- oh my god.” He pauses as the song shifts. Shit, you’d meant to play this later in the night. John looks horrified.

“It’s fine, I know him, he’s digging this right now.” 

“Dave, this is a fucking bullshit weirdo electronic love song you wrote for him. Do you not remember how big of a deal you made out of this when you were writing it for him? He’s going to flip the fuck out- oh, my god, I see him. I’m so out, dude, I tried to warn you, okay? You fucked up Dave.” John bounces the fuck back into the crowd as fast as he damn can. 

And then someone’s shoving you. 

“WHAT THE FUCK DAVE?” Shit, you missed Karkat’s voice. 

“Okay, dude, I knew I wouldn’t be able to see you till midnight so, here’s my fucking love proclamation. Via my ill beats.” You grin at him. 

He looks so fucking good. Someone convinced him to wear red and, shit, fuck, what is he saying? 

“-CAN’T JUST WALTZ IN HERE, TO A PARTY WITH MY FRIENDS, AND JUST ASSUME YOU GET TO DATE ME AGAIN, AFTER ALL THAT SHIT. FUCK YOU DAVE.” 

“Dude, calm down, okay? I just, am making a gesture, okay Kat? I miss you, bro. Like, every day. And I’m doing better now, I’ve got my shit together, and I’m so proud of you, and I just want to fucking talk to you again.” Spill your guts, Dave.

“You left me, Dave. Terezi died and you LEFT.” 

“I shouldn’t have.” 

He rolls his eyes, “No shit.” 

“I just wanted to get my shit together, dude. I couldn’t drag you into my spiral. It was some shit I had to deal with alone.” You tell him. 

“You think I wasn’t flipping the fuck out about Terezi? We should have dealt with that TOGETHER. Fuck you, fuck your stupid choices, fuck your bullshit music, fuck this pretentious velvet suit.” He’s so mad, and you know you should be trying to calm him down but, shit. He’s so goddamn pretty, his teeth hanging out over his lip and- FUCK. Fuck, you are so in love with this little bastard. 

You have got to get him back. 

“I want to do that now, dude. I want to work shit out. I, fuck.” 

“YOU WHAT?” He takes a step towards you, fists clenched. 

“I love you, Karkat.” 

His emotions run over his face too fast for you to keep track of them. Fear? Was he happy for a second? It ends on anger, though. It always ends on fucking anger. 

“Just- stop. Stop, stop playing these fucking songs Dave.” You can’t believe how soft he’s saying it.

And then he’s gone, in the crowd. 

Shit. 

Okay so maybe that could have gone better. But okay, hey, he didn’t hit you for telling him you love him. Point for Strider? Point for Strider. 

John must have been watching all this shit unfold like the true blue friend he his, because he’s back at your side. 

“Dave, are you okay?”

“I’m gonna kiss him at midnight, bro. I can feel it.” You say. 

“Dave, shit, please don’t go looking for him at midnight.” He looks desperate. 

“Whatever, I gotta get back on the turntables. You gonna hang around here? Only like ten minutes till midnight if you wanna find a make out pal, yo.” You advise. 

“Uh, Vriska’s kind of taken. And Roxy’s in Seattle. And two quadrants seems like enough for me.” He admits. 

“Ha, word. Okay, talk to you in twenty.” 

You hop back up to your computer, get your fucking DJ on hard. You don’t risk playing another Karkat-oriented song. Figure he’s gotten the message there well enough. You’re gonna give him some time to cool down, and then you’re gonna kiss him. If you can get John off your fucking back about it. 

Okay. Thirty fucking second countdown is about to start. You’ve got this, Dave. Romance the hell out of this troll. 

“Alright party people, shit’s about to get real midnight in New York City. Grab your special someone and make the fuck out into the new year. turntechGodhead out.” 

And you’re off, unplugging your shit, making sure the countdown is blasting, jumping into the crowd to find your pretty troll boy. 

And John is grabbing at your fucking shoulder. 

“Dave, seriously, you don’t want to do this, don’t Dave, don’t-“

You shrug him off, slip in between a few people, lose him. You’re gonna find Karkat in this house, you fucking swear. He’s not in the next room over, or the one after that. Thank fuck Equius is giant as hell and Tavros’ horns are literally monstrous- you spot them in the giant kitchen from a mile away. Karkat has to be with them, they’re all there.

“TEN, NINE, EIGHT-“

Shit, shit, you are not gonna make it in time. You’re booking it through people, hip checking some randos that are way to drunk to stand up to your aggression. You don’t give two shits, you have to get to him. 

“-SEVEN, SIX, FIVE-“

You are so fucking close. You see more of your friends now, Vriska and Meenah embracing the hell out of each other, Nepeta looking ready to go in for a pale kiss with Equius. 

“-FOUR, THREE, TWO-“

Ten more steps and you’ll be there, holy shit, holy fuck, you are cutting this close. You see the people he came with though, Eridan, Sollux, Karkat has to be standing behind them, shit, shit, shit-

“-ONE, HAPPY NEW YEAR!”

You come to a dead fucking halt. Yup. That’s Karkat, alright. 

You think your stomach might have just fallen out through your ass. Holy shit. The room is spinning. 

Someone crashes into you. 

“DAVE, good, I caught you. I- oh. Oh god, oh god, this is what I didn’t want you to see man, I-“

“John. Heads up. Damage control. There’s a troll on Karkat’s lips.” 

Who the fuck is- oh my god. Sollux’s brother. Holy shit, he is gazing all lovingly into Karkat’s eyes shit shit shit no no no this cannot be happening. 

“Dude, they’re, fuck, we were hoping it would end before you found out, okay?” John still has his hands on your arm, begging you not to go over there. Like you could if you tried. 

“End? So it’s something that started.” 

“They’re dating, dude.” 

“Da-ha- dating. Dating. They’re dating. I gotta go man, grab my laptop for me okay? Okay? Okay?” 

You bolt. There’s too many people, and they’re all kissing and fuck fuck fuck, Mituna’s hands on the back of Karkat’s neck. You’re not gonna make it to the door, not like this, you’ve got to pull yourself together. Okay, okay, this is a two story apartment, party on the top floor, stairs have got to be somewhere- yup. Okay, okay. Bathroom. You can find a bathroom down here, you’ve got this Dave. Pull your shit together. Stop thinking about Karkat’s face smushed up against- NO, stop, fuck. 

You want to use the sink to splash some water on your face or something, but hell. All you’ve got in you is leaning against this open doorframe and doing your best not to let your brain get up close and personal with the scene you just fucking witnessed. 

You think you’re down there for half an hour, just standing, breathing, when you hear him. 

He isn’t talking or anything, but you know him, know that characteristic stomp. 

You don’t bother attempting to compose yourself. For a split second, you think maybe he came down here to find you, to frantically apologize, something. But nope. He looks surprised as hell to see you here. Upset about it even.

“Fuck, can I not get away from you anywhere?” Karkat asks, arms crossed. 

“Guess I’m just a fucking enigma like that.” You don’t have the mental capacity for a better joke right now. 

“Why the fuck are you DOWN here?” 

“Uh. Kinda saw. You. And your. Boyfriend.” You taste acid. That hurt to say, physically hurt. 

He looks panicked. And then pissed. 

“You broke up with me.” He says it again, like it’s a new goddamn revelation, like it’s an excuse for kissing someone in front of you.

“I didn’t get a new fucking boyfriend.” Maybe you’re a little pissed now, too. 

“Oh, yeah, make me the asshole for wanting someone to be there for me after the death of my two oldest friends.” 

“Yeah sure will, seeing as you’ve definitely had no fucking problem making me the bad guy for having a mental disorder. My bad I wanted to kill myself bro, please, won’t you forgive me?” You’ve never yelled at Karkat before. You hate this. 

“I TRIED to help you, Dave. And you just wouldn’t-“

“DUDE I HAD DEPRESSION.” 

“That’s not an excuse to treat me like complete SHIT Dave!” 

You take a sharp breath in, “I’ve been trying to make it pretty damn clear that I’m SORRY about that, Karkat, jesus, but you won’t shut the fuck up and listen, you just keep fuckin’ yelling at me.”

“Do you think you could maybe get it through your thinkpan that I don’t WANT an apology?” 

“Then why’d you call me on Christmas, man? Just fucking with me? Trying to get back at me or some shit?” You ask. 

He groans, “NO. I’m- fuck you, okay?” 

You both stand there, fuming, looking each other up and down. 

You’re the one to break the silence, with a question you do not fucking want the answer to: “You love him, Kat?” 

His chest deflates, “We broke up three months ago, Dave.” 

You think that means no. Okay. You can deal with no. 

Then he goes and tags on something that breaks you in two: “That doesn’t mean I want to be with you after the shit you pulled.” 

“Karkat-“

“No, no, no. Now I’m breaking up with YOU.” He says it like he almost believes it. That’s enough conviction to scare the shit out of you. 

“I just wanted a fucking BREAK Karkat- you know, you do this shit all the time, don’t let me explain. You decided I was breaking up with you like, for fucking permanent. You decided I was making out with Jade, you decided I was never going to date you again, you decided to get a boyfriend-“

“Sometimes someone has to read behind the goddamn shades and make a DECISION.” He argues. 

“So you agree. This was all your decision.” 

“FUCK YOU. You were going to leave anyway, you just didn’t have the guts to tell me.” 

“I have the guts to say I want you back.” 

He throws himself into the opposite side of the doorframe you’ve been leaning on, frustrated as hell. 

“You broke my heart, Dave.” He doesn’t look at you when he says it, voice lowered. 

It breaks your heart to hear him say that. 

“I thought leaving would… shit. I thought it would stop me from breaking your heart. I couldn’t keep letting you watch me kill myself, Kat.” 

It seems like slow motion when he pushes against the wall and takes a step towards you. The whole time, you swear he’s going to hit you, or change his mind, or just straight up disappear. But he doesn’t. And then he’s in your arms with his hands buried in the front of your shirt, and his lips are on yours, and god, god, it feels like you’re kissing for the very first time. 

You’ve got these butterflies in the pit of your stomach that you swear would be embarrassing if you weren’t so damn happy. You forgot how warm he was, forgot what it really felt like in your mouth. You have no idea what you’re doing with your hands, playing between gripping his sides tight as hell and attempting to be a little more fucking gentle. 

He’s all aggression, fast and rough and angry and you swear you can feel the “I fucking love you” behind the punch of his kiss, you swear you can, you swear you aren’t making it up. 

Karkat’s the one to push away. It’s not romantic, looking into your eyes. Not like the kiss you just saw him have with his… matesprit. Shit. He actually shoves himself off you, and you just sink further into the wall. 

“FUCK YOU DAVE. I can’t- you can’t just DO this!” He’s screaming again. 

“Dude, you kissed me.” 

“No, NO, that’s not what I mean I was- you dumped me, and I found someone else, and I’m here with him, and you just say three things to me and make me want to- oh my god, Mituna, holy shit.” He’s flipping the fuck out. 

You don’t know what to do. You want to grab him, comfort him, tell him you love him. 

You have a feeling that’s not gonna be helpful right now. 

“Karkat, man, listen, I know you’ve got… him, and, whatever I know I fucked up but, I want to be with you Karkat.” You say. 

“I can’t DO that. I was moving on- I was trying to move on.” 

“I have shitty timing, I guess.” 

“You can’t do this.” 

“Please don’t move on, Kat.” 

“Don’t call me, don’t call me, don’t call me.” 

And he’s gone. 

Karkat has a boyfriend, and he kissed you, and he hates you, and maybe he loves you, and he’s gone. 

What the fuck. 

John finds you down there, still slumped against the doorframe of the bathroom, crying, laughing, trying to piece your fucking life together. 

“Dave?” 

“Hey Egbert.”

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. I didn’t think he… I thought it would end sooner than this.” He’s standing an awkward distance away from you, not sure what to do. 

“He still here?” 

“No, he left like half an hour ago.”

“Was he okay?”

“You talked to him, didn’t you? He was crying, dude.” 

No, no, you don’t want that, “I didn’t mean to make him cry. Fuck. I gotta get out of here, man.” 

“Tavros fell asleep on a chair upstairs. Want to help me get him in a cab to your place?” John suggests.

You peel yourself off the wall, follow Egbert back to the party. 

Welcome to the New Year. 

\-----------------------------------------------------------------

“I- fucking shit- you goddamn slut, I knew you were in love with him, I fucking knew it!” 

“Jesus shit Mituna how many times do I have to tell you it ISN’T ABOUT HIM?” 

So, okay, turns out that drunk breaking up with someone on New Years after kissing your ex boyfriend isn’t the best plan. Who would have fucking guessed? 

“So let me get this straight, you drag me to a party he’s playing at even though I don’t want to go, and then both of you disappear for half an hour, and now you’re dumping me for unre-fucking-lated causes? Fuck FUCK fuck that, Karkat, scumbag, bulgesack, fucker, fuck me, fuck-“

“Dude, just, calm down, okay?” You don’t want him to have a meltdown. He’s been doing so fucking well, being coherent as shit, and now you’ve gone and fucked with him and he’s about to throw himself off the deep end. 

Maybe that’s what you do to people you date. Drive them literally insane. Great.

“I’m SORRY Karkat I know I’m fucking worthless, I’ve known this whole time you’re better than me, I’m scum, I’m terrible-“

“Mituna, stop. You’re not- you’re fucking perfect. I probably would have done some crazy shit if you hadn’t been here these past few months, alright? I just, I can’t-“ 

“Love me?” He looks like you’re killing him or something. 

“It’s been three months.” You say. Seriously, he expects you to be in love after three months?

“Took you less time to fall in love with Dave.” He spits. 

“This isn’t ABOUT Dave.” 

“Just get out. Take your shitty suitcase and leave.” 

Right. The suitcase. The one you have failed to unpack into the drawers he emptied out for you months ago. 

Yeah, yeah, okay. You’ve been a flight risk this entire fucking time. It just took a kiss with someone you’re actually in love with to realize how few real feelings you’ve ever had for Mituna. You can’t keep using him like a placeholder. That shit isn’t fair. 

You leave Mituna in his room, pretend like you can’t hear the crying as you pull together the rest of your shit from around the apartment and attempt to shove the Mayor into his tiny cat carrier. 

Sollux, drunk as he and Eridan got tonight, definitely heard the shouting that was your break up. He stumbles out of his room, brows furrowed. 

“Before you fucking say anything, I know, I’m a giant asswipe, I broke your brother’s heart, now you hate me, I’m not welcome in your home, I get it. I’m taking my cat and I’m leaving.” You mumble. Of fucking course you would dump your best friend’s brother. Why wouldn’t you be as self destructive as possible? 

“Fuck you’re a drama queen, pull it together KK. I don’t hate you. I hate that I have to go deal with thith prick now that you’ve dumped him, and you definitely owe me like thix beerth, but I think we all knew thith wath coming.” Sollux rolls his eyes. Shit his lisp is bad when he’s tipsy. 

“You all knew? You just knew I was way too shitty of a person to keep a matesprit?” You growl. 

“Holy shit, do you actually not think you’re doing thith becauthe of Strider? Wow, you are a moron.” 

“It’s NOT because of DAVE.” 

“Okay I wathn’t mad at you before but now I am. Figure your shit out.” 

“Shut the fuck up, I have to call someone to figure out a place to stay.” You tell him. He shakes his head and trots off into Mituna’s room.

Again, you ignore the crying. 

The first person you try is Nepeta, because she lives the closest and seems like the lesser of a thousand evils. Her phone goes straight to voicemail, as does Equius’. You call Feferi four times, and John once. It’s four in the morning. Of course none of them answer. 

That leaves you with Vriska. 

When your only option is Vriska, shit tends to go wrong. 

She answers on the second ring. Of course. 

“I saw that drama go down at the party tonight, Vantas. Thought something might be up.” You can hear her smirking through the phone. WHY is she the person you spend the most time with? Terezi’s death must really have you fucked up, Jesus. 

“Enough bullshit, I’m exhausted, I’m pissed off, I’m single, I need a place to sleep.” You confess. 

“You aren’t staying over here.” Still, the smile in her voice.

“Holy shit, WHY NOT?” 

“Call Dave.” 

Is she seriously pulling this shit too?

“Are you seriously pulling this shit too?” 

She laughs, “We ALL know you’re going to get back together with him. I’m not helping you live out this ‘I don’t want to date Dave’ bullshit anymore, Vantas. Call him.” 

“I’m coming over.” 

“I swear to god I will not answer the door. I’ll put John to sleep, too. You’re not getting into this house. Call him.” It sounds like a threat. 

You hang up on her because fuck that bitch. 

You spend another half hour dialing anyone else you have ever met, ever, including several of Dave’s siblings. Dirk is the only one to answer- via Caliborn’s phone. All he says is, “I think you have the wrong Strider, Karks”. What fucking supportive friends you have. Pushy assholes.

You are not going to call Dave. 

Fuck. 

You’d spend the night bar hopping or sitting in some shitty diner, or would go back to the apartment you are inexplicably still paying for despite having not lived there in months, but you’ve got the Mayor. The heat is off there, the electricity is off there- you could deal with it, but it isn’t fair to your cat, and it isn’t fair to Mituna to leave your cat in his apartment. 

Maybe you drop the cat off with Dave, and sleep in your cold ass dark apartment. 

Definitely you’re going to call Tavros to ask for that favor, and not Dave. 

He answers the third time you call him.

“Tavros, fucking finally, holy shit. None of you shit bags are answering your phones. I’ve got to drop the Mayor off, don’t tell Dave I’m coming, I’ll pick him up once I get the heat turned on in my old place.” You tell it to him fast, not giving him a chance to protest. 

It is not Tavros’ voice that responds to you.

“Uh, he’s kind of passed out on our sofa. Are you okay man?” It’s Dave, of course it’s Dave, only Dave would find it appropriate to answer someone else’s phone. 

“Fuck.” 

You’re kind of lost for words. 

“Karkat, seriously, what’s up?” He sounds worried, genuinely worried, god you hate it. 

“Just can’t crash at Sollux’s anymore.” You mumble. 

“And he’s kicking the cat out too? Dude, let me talk to him, that’s fucked.” Dave offers.

“NO, no, do not call him, it isn’t, fucking hell, it isn’t Sollux, I dumped Mituna and I have to get the fuck out of here.” You admit. 

“You… have been living with him.” He’s doing that thing he does when he’s real upset, dropping all the inflection out of his voice, pretending like he isn’t hurt. 

“This is why I called everyone besides you bulgebucket.” You kind of feel bad. Mostly you’re still angry. 

“Whatever bro. Just… come over. I’ll be up. Don’t got shit in terms of cat food though, or litter.” He says.

“Yeah, I’ll bring it.” 

You hang up. 

This is the most awkward night of your fucking life. 

Lugging a cat and all his shit on the subway is fucking terrible. Maybe you should have called a cab, but shit, you’ve spent three months paying for an apartment you don’t even live in (you’ve been trying to ignore the mysterious amount of money that shows up in your bank account at the beginning of each month in exactly the amount Dave used to pay. You wish you were in a position to send it back to him in some giant angry gesture but, shit, you’re broke as hell). So, yeah. Carrying a protesting cat on a subway at four thirty in the morning on New Years fucking Eve. Not so fun. You literally have to kick a drunk dude who keeps trying to stick his grimy fingers in the Mayor’s cage. 

You’re an exhausted wreck when you get to Tavros’ place. Dave’s place. Whatever. 

“Woah, dude, let me grab that shit for you. I would’ve called you a car if I knew you were taking the train, holy shit.” He grabs for the Mayor and your suitcase, lifts them both effortlessly up the stairs. 

“I moved Tav into his bedroom so you’d have somewhere to sleep.” He tells you. 

“No, I’m leaving.” 

He looks at you like you’re insane. Maybe you are. 

“Dave, I can’t sleep in your apartment.” You insist. It’s bullshit. You’re exhausted. You’re literally sitting down on the sofa and taking off your shoes, and he won’t stop grinning at you. 

“I’ll get you a blanket and set the Mayor’s shit up.” He’s still smiling, you want to kill him. 

“I want it to be very fucking clear that we aren’t getting back together just because I dumped Mituna.” You clarify. 

“After you kissed me.” His smile grows. 

“We are not dating.” 

“Sure thing Karks.” 

He doesn’t believe you. You’re too exhausted to care. You pass out before he even brings a blanket to you, but you wake up covered by one four hours later. 

Your traitor cat isn’t cuddled up to you like he usually is, but a cursory and probably inappropriate glance into Dave’s bedroom shows you he’s made his home on top of Strider’s stupid fucking perfect chest. 

You’ve got two choices here. 

You can suck up your dignity and your hurt and your anger and crawl into bed with Dave, fix things with him. Or you can hold on to this spite you feel, walk the fuck out the door before he wakes up, show him some of the devastation he left you with when he dumped you last fall. 

You don’t bother trying not to slam the door on your way out. 

 

You don’t see Dave for another month and a half. It’s given you all this time alone- in your once again heated and lit apartment- to stew. You could have fucking HAD something with Mituna, if he weren’t in your fucking head all the time. There was nothing WRONG with Mituna, except that you consistently found yourself crying in the bathroom over Dave Strider every time he touched you. 

You don’t let Dave drop the Mayor off when your apartment is once again in living condition, you use Tavros as a proxy. And you fully fucking intend on never talking to the bastard again, no matter how many shitty parties you have to bail on to avoid him. 

You are going to fall out of love with Dave Strider if it kills you. 

It seems like it might be killing him. Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff has taken a dark fucking turn. You didn’t even know it was possible for that shitty comic to have emotional depth. You’ve got to stop checking it. You can’t continue keeping tabs on this ASSHOLE. 

It’s your fault you still love him. You’re doing this to yourself. If there’s one person you hate more than Dave Strider, god, it’s you. It’s you. 

He’s giving you space, though. Got to give him credit for not blowing your phone up. Until, suddenly, it’s eleven on a Thursday night and he is very much calling your phone. 

You ignore it the first time. And then he sends you a text. 

TG: dude i did something stupid

You sent him a text like that once, freshman year. He thought it meant you tried to kill yourself. 

You’re suddenly understanding what it’s like to be on the other side of “dude i did something stupid”. 

Probably you should have just called him back, but shit, his house is a fifteen-minute jog from yours and you have your shoes on before you even think of dialing him. 

You are not about to let this son of a bitch commit suicide because you hate him. 

It’s fucking freezing outside, but five minutes into your frantic sprint across Flatbush you’ve got sweat pooling up in your armpits and your lungs are on fire. The lobby door is open to his building. You don’t chance waiting for the elevator and book it up four flights of stairs. You’re breathing heavy as fuck when he opens the door. 

“You know people generally just text back, right Karks?” He’s got that deadpan face on, but you’ve got your eyes all over him trying to figure out what the fuck he did to himself. 

There’s a giant bandage wrapped around his forearm. Holy shit, no. 

“DAVE what the fuck did you do?” You grab for it, look for blood seeping through the bandage, start tearing it off. There’s nothing. No gash, no cut, no red. 

There’s just… a really shitty stick n’ poke tattoo. 

“THIS? This is what you made me run over here for? Jesus Christ you piece of grub trash, I thought you were dying.” You’re relieved. Annoyed, but relieved. 

“Once again dude, you could have went ahead and used that text back function.” Something is still off about him. This is what he’s calling you over? 

You grab for his shades.

He’s been crying. It’s always so obvious when he’s crying, his big white eyelashes get all bunched together and holy hell do his eyes get red and swollen. 

“What happened?” You ask him, with maybe a little too much bite. 

“Shit, I shouldn’t have called dude you can just- I know you don’t want to be with me, alright? Just go home.” 

“Dave, what happened?” 

“It’s fuckin’ dumb, alright? Tavros is visiting Aradia and just, no one was online. I’m fine I’m just having a bad day dude.” He looks like he’s really trying to convince you. He also looks like he could really use some fucking company. 

Fuck. 

“You want to watch something?” You ask him. 

“What.” 

“This is a one time fucking thing. And you owe me. But I’m not going to leave you alone to do some other crazy shit.” You tell him. 

“Like dye my hair pink?” He cracks a smile. 

“HEY it looked fucking good, asswipe. You liked it so much you made me keep it for the next five years.” You motion to your still very pink hair. 

“Cotton candy Karkat is cute as hell.” He looks sad again. Maybe reminiscing about a dead relationship isn’t the best right now. 

“Just sit your ass down and turn on Netflix.” 

His sofa- Tavros’, really- is way too small. There’s no way to avoid touching him. If he weren’t so fucking tall there would be, but he’s mostly limbs and they’re all up in your business and shit you are trying not to like it.

“Dude Tavros and I have gotten sucked into this old ass ABC Family drama, you’re gonna love it.” Dave tells you, scrolling through Netflix titles. 

“Secret Life of the American Teenager? Are you fucking kidding me right now?” 

“Dude shut up, Ricky’s having a really hard time right now.” He points towards the TV. 

He’s putting on his “I’m totally chill now” face, and maybe he is, partially, with you sitting here. But his hands still have a little shake to them, his eyes are still a little distant. You have a feeling shit would get real dark for him if you didn’t stick around. Whatever. You can suck it up and do this for him. 

It’s not until one in the morning he bothers saying anything about it. 

“I don’t want you thinking I don’t have my shit together.” He blurts out.

“Dave, I’ve been depressed before, I get it. Bad days happen.” 

“I was kinda thinking about killing myself again dude. And then I was like woah Dave cool your jets, so I gave myself this shitty tattoo. And then got all upset about how shitty it was.” He explains. 

“Fuck, Dave.” 

“Still shouldn’t ‘ve called you. You kind of explicitly asked me not to and shit.” 

“Please fucking call me if you think you’re going to kill yourself.” 

He shuts up and starts watching Netflix again. 

You honestly don’t notice yourself falling asleep until you, once a-fucking-gain, find yourself passed out on his loveseat with a blanket covering you. 

It’s three in the morning, and he’s crying in his bedroom. 

You go in without knocking. 

“You could have fucking woken me up if you were freaking out.” You growl at him. He’s all curled up on the corner of his mattress. He tries shoving his shades back into place, like that’s gonna cover up the tears running down his face, hide his hiccups. 

“It’s fine man, just go back to sleep.” He says, voice shaking more than you think he intended. 

You sigh, pretty fucking loud. “You know I still care about you, right? You’re not that much of insipid fuckballoon, are you?” 

And then you do something incredibly stupid, and get into bed next to him. 

“Man, I’m not about to fall apart, alright? You don’t have to fuckin’ coddle me like some baby.” He takes off his shades, though, let’s you see how he’s really feeling. 

“Shut the fuck up and go to sleep.” You tell him, pulling blankets over the both of you. This is a terrible stupid awful idea. But you can’t leave him alone when he’s crying like this. 

When he relaxes, admits to himself this isn’t some ruse for you to yell at him some more and lays down next to you, you pull him into your chest. 

Because he needs it. Needs the support. 

And because, fuck, it feels nice to have his head on your chest. 

“What the fuck were you trying to tattoo on your arm anyway?” You ask into the dark. 

“Coolkid” 

“Now that’s some fucking irony.” 

You laugh yourselves to sleep. 

You wake up in the morning tangled up in him. He’s awake already, you can feel it, the quickness of his breath, the light grip he has on your arm. 

“Are you okay?” You ask him. 

“Yeah. Thanks for staying, Kat.” 

“Yeah.” 

You let yourself press your forehead into him, just for a second, just to remember what it’s like. 

Even like this, all you can think about is the last time he kissed you. His stupid fucking words, ‘I’ll never love anyone more’. The way your chest felt when he walked out the door. 

“I still don’t trust you, Dave. I- I can’t-“ 

“I know.” He buries his nose in your shoulder, “I know you can’t date me, Karkat. I won’t ask you to do this again. And I owe you one.” 

You have a hard time piecing together whether you’re happy or miserable on your walk home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> get ur shit together boys
> 
> (holy shit one more chapter im feelin p sad about saying goodbye to this story)


	30. Chapter 30

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so i was having some brief life crises and this took forever so pls accept these 50 pages of davekat trash as my apology
> 
> (holy shit, this is the end)

It started with a stupid fucking ticket stub. Tavros has been nagging you about cleaning (god, you’re a mess) so, fine, you went a little out of control trying to organize all your shit. The first thing of yours you found- yours, plural, you and Karkat- was a ticket stub. 

You went to see the Hunger Games. It was two summers ago, and he’d held your hand in the theater and argued about which kind of chocolate to put into your popcorn. You’d settled on buncha crunch. 

You didn’t know what to do with it, with the ticket stub, with this physical reminder of a perfect memory from a relationship you fucked up and desperately wanted back. First you put it in the trash pile. It didn’t fit there, it just didn’t fit, so you put it in the keep pile but it just stood out like this terrifying beacon shouting out everything you lost.

So you moved it to the middle, in between the space of things you still wanted and the things you knew you had to give away. 

The next thing was a sweater. It was definitely his, had his bright pink hairs with thick black roots digging into the hood. You put it near the ticket stub. Then it was a pair of docs he bought you, that you haven’t been able to wear since. A collection of tiny spoons he snagged from restaurants for you, because he liked the way your big hands looked around something so small. 

The boxes of photos were more obvious, the one from that summer you spent alone littered with stupid quotes and annoying things you’ve done to him. More beautiful ones, his hands when he’s sleeping, his spine in the moonlight, the backs of his knees. The scrapbook you’d made of him, years ago, “Little Karkat Things”. 

You count all the records he’s bought you as you put them with all his other things. Twenty-six. There’s a box of shit you’d both collected on your road trips from Seattle to his town in California, from California to New York. Postcards, absurd figurines, these geodes he was always really into. All your prizes from the arcade, yoyos and leftover tickets and those shitty jelly bracelets. 

The Signless necklace you’d made for him that you haven’t taken off your neck in years. 

You put it in the pile. 

Old flash drives and notepads and sketchbooks, littered with his handwriting, with things you don’t think you can quite bring yourself to read, with doodles of dicks and his imitation of SBAHJ and god awful portraits of the Mayor and slightly better drawings when you realized, god damn it Karkat, you aren’t left handed why the shit have you been drawing with your left hand this whole time. 

The pile of books you shared from that class you took together freshman year. 

Love notes. 

About fifteen pieces of scrap paper that just read “FUCK YOU DAVE”. 

All just laid out in the middle of your floor, even after you’ve thrown away the trash, even after you’ve put away all your laundry and keepsakes and music and books. 

Like some creepy fucking memorial to him. 

And you’re just sitting there, looking at it, hoping no one sees, thinking of the time you walked in on Dirk surrounded by all of his Jake shit, suddenly feeling a hell of a lot more empathetic, suddenly feeling a lot more fucking pathetic. 

Tavros asks you about lunch, and you ignore him. He asks you, hours later as you’re still sitting in front of this shit, too afraid to touch any of it, about dinner. Half an hour later, your bro shows up. 

Apparently the Karkat shrine is freaking Tavros out. 

You can’t read Dirk behind his shades. 

“Hey man. You’re scaring the shit out of Tavros. Little dude called me worried you were getting all depressed again.” He tells you. 

“Just cleaning my room man.” You say, even though it’s pretty fucking obvious you’re way past that. 

“Guess it’s a Strider thing to collect all this self destructive shit.” He points out, taking a seat next to you, sitting real close. 

“Just didn’t know what to do with it.” You tell him. 

“I got rid of all my Jake shit.” 

“You got rid of Jake.” There’s an implied, ‘and I’m not getting rid of Karkat’. 

He sighs, because you’re being a complete dick, “Yeah, and now we’re bros again, and I wish I hadn’t thrown out all our fucking memories.” 

“I just wanna put all this shit up like it’s our room again. Fuck.” You say. 

“Maybe we keep a couple things out and put the rest in boxes.” 

“That seems a little too reasonable for my current state of chaotic existence.” You have to laugh a little, because holy hell that was dramatic but you meant every word of it. 

“If you don’t start putting this shit in your closet I’m gonna call Rose.” He warns. 

“Okay there is way too much phallic imagery in this pile of shit for me to want her anywhere near it. Solid threat, Dirk, way to get me moving.” You want to joke around but you’re still feeling a little too down. 

“Oh, FUCK, Dave, I was gonna help, but after this, I am out,” He holds up a pair of particularly rhinestoned panties and flings them at you, “You let me and Tavros know when you’re done sorting through your gross sex pile.” 

You go to crack a joke about him and Caliborn, but your heart just isn’t in it with your whole relationship laid out in front of you like this. 

You spend the rest of the night putting Karkat into boxes. 

 

GG: No Dave, just look at one more picture!!!  
>gardenGnostic sent an IMG  
GG: Dave did you look?  
GG: Cool kiiiid!!!  
TG: holy shit why is drunk jade so bad at drawing  
TG: this is the best thing ive ever seen ok harley  
TG: disturbing  
TG: whole new levels of fucked up i want you to understand that  
TG: like probably you should get yourself a therapist chick  
TG: this is reminiscent of thinking that creates masterpieces like the room do you feel me  
GG: I’m not THAT creepy!  
TG: im going to let sober jade look over all these freudian nightmare images in the morning and decide that  
TG: but right now im uploading this shit as a guest artist comic for sbahj  
GG: Oh my gosh! I’m going to be famous! Hahaha  
TG: youre about to be walking the red carpet jade  
TG: ben stiller famous  
TG: next chrismas john is gonna have to buy me a pair of your shades  
>gardenGnostic sent an IMG  
TG: ok where did you get those shades  
TG: jade this is vital mission imperative information  
TG: im going to need those glasses i cant have some harley chick out shade a strider  
GG: Hehehe I’ll never tell! ;)  
TG: my heart is broken  
TG: torn in two  
TG: you did this to me jade youve ruined me  
GG: Speaking of that...  
TG: oh no  
GG: When’s the last time you talked to Karkat? :(  
TG: dude were not doing this right now  
TG: sober jade promised no karkat talks  
GG: Well I’m not sober Jade okay!!!!!!!  
GG: We’re just worried about you.  
GG: Dirk told Jake about your weird Karkat shrine, who told the rest of us, obviously.  
TG: man you go ahead and tell jake about dirks weird jake shrine  
TG: fuckin traitor  
GG: Dave!!!  
TG: its fine ok  
TG: he hasnt talked to me since i called him like a month ago  
GG: :(  
TG: that was some eloquent shit right there you just hit me with  
TG: straight out of a fucking shakespeare sonnet  
TG: tell me jade is it a tragedy or a comedy you gotta let me know  
TG: jade  
TG: jade  
TG: god damn it you fell asleep didnt you  
TG: just had to get me thinking about this deep shit and then all up and abandon me in my time of need  
TG: ok wait what the fuck  
TG: hes calling me  
TG: was this some weird plan jade did you do this on purpose  
TG: what the fuck is happening  
TG: ok shit shit i have to answer the phone  
TG: do you remember how to answer a phone  
TG: no no i got it

“Uh, hello?” Not as smooth as you intended. 

“I’m cashing in my fucking whatever that you owe me.” Karkat is breathing extra hard. 

“Oh, yeah. I owe you man. What’s up, what do you need?” 

“Do you have your car? Or, fuck, an Uber, call an Uber.” His voice is all high pitched. What the fuck?

“Dude, breathe. I have my family’s car, I can be there in ten minutes, what’s up?” 

“JUST GET THE FUCK OVER HERE, NOW. Text me when you’re outside, I’ll come down. I’m, fuck, you don’t even- I’m at our old place.” He tells you, like he doesn’t know you’ve been asking creepy questions about where he’s living and how he’s doing this whole time. 

“Karkat, breathe.” You tell him again. 

You don’t waste time saying goodbye to Jade, or putting on non-sweat pants. If he’s freaking out enough to call you, something must be really fucking wrong. 

He’s already standing on the street corner, cat-carrier in hand, when you get there. He throws himself into your vehicle once the door is unlocked. 

“Dude what’s wrong with the Mayor.” You’re panicking now, too. 

“Shut the fuck up and listen to Siri we’re going to the emergency vet.” He silences you, shoving an already-talking iPhone into your vision. 

You drive faster than you’re supposed to, and park in front of a hydrant. 

You hear the story at the same time as the nurses. 

“How can we help you tonight?” One of the nurses smiles, softly. Nurse? Vet tech? You have no fucking idea. Your palms are sweating, looking at Karkat, waiting to hear how fucked your cat is. 

“I called like twenty minutes ago, he ate ibuprofen, two of them, fuck, fuck, fuck.” 

The nurse smiles again and you kind of want to hit her, “His breathing seems alright. We’re going to take him to the back and check his vitals. Step into exam room two and wait for a vet to come speak with you, alright?” 

You step into exam room two. The Mayor’s breathing might be alright, but Karkat’s isn’t. You grab him by the shoulders. 

“Hey, hey, Kat, look at me. Come on, look at me dude. There you go. He’s going to be okay, man.” You have no idea if he’s going to be okay, but Karkat needs to hear that. 

“Why the FUCK would Feferi leave pills on the floor? I swear to fucking god I will KILL her when I-“ 

“Dude, Karkat, sit down.” 

You don’t think he can handle a chair right now, so you pull him down in front of you on the floor, your knees touching. 

“I’m sorry I called you.” He says, finally, head in his hands. 

“Dude. Always fucking call me about the Mayor. What… what happened?” You ask. 

“Fucking, Feferi wanted to come over and have a drink tonight. I didn’t even WANT to, but I let her, and, fuck, fucking, she asked if I had any Advil and I’m an IDIOT and let her get them from the cabinet herself, and then half an hour after I leave I walk into the bathroom and see the Mayor sucking the liquid out of two of them. She- she just dropped them on the fucking floor, Dave, who DOES that?” His fingers are grabbing a little too aggressively at his horns. You grab for them, hold them steady on his knees. 

“Fuck. I can’t believe she’d do something so stupid.” 

“CAN’T you? She’s always stoned! Fuck, fuck, what if he dies Dave?” He’s crying, like, a lot. 

You would be, too, if all your attention weren’t focused on making sure he’s fine. 

“He’s not going to die. Cats eat pills, okay? It happens. You took him here, they’ll pump his tiny cat tummy or some shit, and we’ll take him home. Charge Fefs for the vet bill. It’ll be cool, okay?” 

He grips your hands tighter. You can’t tell if it’s for support or because he’s trying to bury his claws into his palms. 

Twenty minutes later, you haven’t moved, and the vet comes in, a very distressed Mayor in his arms. You both spring up and grab for your cat- Karkat gets hold of him first. You stand a little too close to him. 

“Alright, boys. You got him in… honestly much earlier than a lot of people would have. His renal values are all fine right now. We’re going to have to give him some medication to coat the lining of his stomach, it’ll stop absorption of the ibuprofen. And then just standard saline to wipe his system. He’ll have to stay here for a night, maybe two, just to make sure his numbers stay in a safe range.” The vet explains. 

Immediately, Karkat jumps from being a depressed wreck to being completely on top of his shit. You forgot how he takes charge in an emergency. “Is that all we can do? No stomach pumping? I will pay literally what the fuck ever to make sure my cat doesn’t die. How much is this going to cost? Are there any side effects?” 

“You’re looking at a thousand dollar bill. I know this is terrifying, but he’s going to be alright. My dog at a full bottle of Tylenol once… we did the same, standard procedure, and she’s totally fine now.” She reassures you. 

“So I have to leave him here? He’s never been away from us. Fuck, are there visiting hours? Can I come in tomorrow?” You hear the hitch in his voice coming back. He’s going to cry when they take the cat away. 

“Come in any time from eight to eight. I know you want to say goodbye to him, but we really need to get him on this stuff as soon as possible.” The vet says, a bit firmer. 

Karkat kind of just frowns at the cat and hands him over to you. You… were not expecting that he was going to let you actually touch the Mayor. 

“Hey lil dude? Had to go and eat shit off the floor, didn’t you? You’re gonna have a bummer night, man, but Karkat’ll be back to pick you up okay?” You tell the Mayor, as if he has any idea what you’re saying to him. 

“Yeah, we’ll be back to pick you up.” Karkat says. 

Okay. So. You’re pretty sure you’re a part of that “we”. Word.

Karkat definitely cries when the vet leaves with the Mayor. He’s supposed to pay tonight, ahead of time. You let him go to the bathroom to pull his shit together while you put it on your card. You’d spend a thousand dollars on the Mayor any day. 

The only thing Karkat says to you in the ride back to his apartment is “I miss him”, like, fifteen times. 

“You want me to come help you clean up the pills dude? I still owe you like, several hours.” You ask. 

“Pretty sure I actually just owe you a thousand fucking dollars, now.” He mopes. 

“Dude, Feferi owes me a thousand dollars. And besides, he’s my cat, too.” You reassure him. 

“Can you make me mac and cheese? I never do it right. The way you did it.” You both get out of the car, make your way into your old apartment. His current apartment. You pretend you aren’t flipping out. 

“Okay, Strider secret to mac and cheese: no milk, all butter.” 

He stops turning the key in the door to shoot you a dumbfounded look, “You’re going to die so young.” 

“Thanks for the support. You’d make a great push up bra, Vantas.” 

He snorts. First sign of amusement all night, nice, you’re totally doing your job. 

You haven’t been in this apartment for, shit, five months? Something awful like that. Your instinct is to replay the last moments of your breakup, him pressed up against the doorframe of your room, your hands on his face, the awful things you said-

“Mac and cheese is where it always was.” He tells you, throwing himself onto the futon in the living room. 

Okay, no time to wallow, you’ve gotta cook food. 

Everything… really is exactly where it used to be. Everything minus the cups and plates and pictures you took to your own place, the food items that were only ever around because you liked them. 

You’ve got the means to make your shitty boxed mac and cheese though, and pair it with some AJ he has in the fridge. 

“Okay so dude, did you always like AJ or did I like, ruin all other drinks for you?” You ask him, handing him his share. He’s, surprisingly, not watching god awful TV- looks like he’s binging episodes of Last Week Tonight with what you’re going to pretend is not your HBOGO account. 

“Shut the fuck up, we’re missing all the good jokes.” He silences you. 

It’s like that for a few episodes, just eating and laughing at the screen. It feels good, normal, fun. He even gives a shit when you go off on a rant about the trans issues John Oliver is bringing up, critique the things he’s said wrong about gender. 

“Do you think I should be incorporating more trans issues into the work I do with trolls? Or, shit, even human racial issues? I know trolls aren’t directly affected by human gender and race, but, fuck, we’re living on this planet, in this social environment now. We should be aware of the shit humans are going through, too. Shit trolls who are born on Earth might start having problems with.” He comments. 

“Actually… yeah, man. That sounds… super important. And uh, as resident trans albino latino, I feel like I could come in pretty fucking handy as an advisor, or some shit. Not that I like, studied all the politics you did. Or that you’ll want to talk to me. Not trying to impose, shit.” Great rant, Dave. A plus. 

He’s quiet for a second but then breathes out, “Yeah, no. You could actually help with some shit, I think. Okay, you know the giant crowd fund Vriska and I did for our movie? Just, want to watch it with me? I’ve got some notes, some places I think there’s room to add stuff like that in, but Vriska won’t shut her grub trap long enough to listen to me about it.” 

“Oh shit, sneak peak to your big movie? Shit yes, sign me the fuck up.” Your stomach is kind of doing flip-flops, god damn it. It’s not like you haven’t helped him with projects before, but dude is secretive as hell about his art. 

His words might say “I don’t trust you” but the way he’s acting… shit. He trusts you. Maybe not enough to date you, but it’s there. 

“It’s on the husktop in my respite block, come on.” The way he emphasizes the “my” in that sentence hurts a bit. Fuck it, he’s inviting you into his room, whatever, it doesn’t matter that he used to call it “our” bedroom, it just matters that you’re in it with him. 

He got himself an iMac, sitting on a table at the foot of his bed. You’d been nagging him to do it for months, his husktop was shit with editing technology. You try your hardest not to gloat so he won’t kick you out. 

His film is fucking incredible. Long as balls, but fucking incredible. The both of you spend hours talking about things he should add in, moving around through footage looking to see interviews he could cut. You’re a little nervous Vriska will get all revenge happy once she finds out you’ve been messing with her project but hey, shit, worth it if this gets Karkat where he wants to be. 

It’s three in the morning when he looks up at you with sad eyes and mutters, “I fucking miss my cat.” 

You hug him. You don’t know what else to do. He let’s you. 

“You’re gonna go see him tomorrow dude. It’ll be okay.” You try to reassure him. 

“We should be friends again,” He blurts out, but throws a scowl on before continuing, “Don’t get any big fucking ideas. I don’t trust you, doucheface.” 

You’re grinning, you can’t help it. 

“Dave, stop, I SAID this wasn’t a fucking relationship thing. I just- your assistance with my filmmaking is nice, and the Mayor misses you, and I’m tired of hearing all our shitty friends whining about how they can never invite both of us places.” He expands. 

“So, what, we’re group friends?” You ask. 

“Yeah. No alone time.” He states. 

“Should I, uh, did you want me to stay tonight? Make up for you staying with me and shit.” You offer. Or hope. Something like that. 

He pauses, “…no. No, you have to go home, Dave.” 

Right. 

The only reason it doesn’t hurt as much walking out of your house- HIS house, god damn it- as the day you dumped him is because you know you get to go back the next day to visit the Mayor. 

Y’all might as well be divorced with kids. Shit. 

 

Two and a half weeks later, the Mayor is home and happy with Karkat, and the internet is ripe with pictures of the little dude with charcoal smeared all over his face and a tiny cat IV in his arm. You may have gained a significant amount of followers on your various social media accounts thanks to him. Turns out people really give a shit about sick cats. 

It is also John’s birthday. You’ve talked to Karkat a bit online, real casual “hows the mayor”, “listen to my sick beats”, “kitkat why are you ignoring me you said we were bros again does that pact mean nothing to you”. Shit like that. But you haven’t seen him in person since you drove him and the Mayor back from the vet a few days after he was admitted. 

John is kind of hardcore demanding that his birthday be a no-drama zone. Also a no-cake zone but, come the fuck on John, when has that ever happened? You can do no drama though. You’re the king of no drama. You and Karkat are gonna no drama the shit out of this party so hard people are gonna forget you even broke up. 

Maybe even Karkat will forget that. 

John is a fucking dweeb and wants to go roller-skating at this rink in Prospect Park. It’s the first time everyone’s been together since New Years, and the first time everyone’s actually been speaking with each other for a hell of a lot longer. 

You’re kind of fucking stoked. 

You’re less stoked once you realize that, nope, roller-skating and skate boarding do not utilize the same skillset. Also, being tall is a fucking bummer. You see Tavros bust his ass like six times and stand up like nothing has happened, but you go down once and feel like you’re out for the count. Fuckin’ short friends, skating better than you. 

You spend the first half of the party with John, trying to out trick each other, which is hard when the both of you can barely accomplish moving forwards. 

Karkat must have practiced before the party. There is no way in hell that you are going to admit to yourself that he could just be so naturally fucking talented at roller-skating. Did they even have roller skates on Alternia? GOD he can go fast. 

You smack into John distracted by him, and you both go down in a pile of limbs and quickly dissipating dignity. 

Karkat chooses this time to speak to you for the first time all afternoon, “Cool move, Dave. Do you usually beat the shit out of the birthday boy, or is that favor reserved just for John?” 

You’d flip him the bird if your hand weren’t trapped underneath John’s thigh. 

“Haha, shut up Karkat! Not everyone is as good at skating as you, alright!” John teases him. 

“Yeah bro, you’re all short and nubby, you’ve got an advantage being all close to the ground already and shit.” You and John have successfully untangled yourselves but are now quite ungracefully attempting to pull yourselves up to standing. 

Karkat, gentleman that he is, extends a hand for each of you and yanks you both to your feet before announcing, evil gleam in his eye, “Get ready to see how real skaters do it, you fucking grubs,” before grabbing you and John in a vice grip and yanking you both off behind him going holy shit so much faster than you have been practicing before now. You give trying to keep up with him a few tries before absolutely giving in and standing still while you roll behind him like a child. 

Judging by John’s screaming, he isn’t faring much better. 

Karkat let’s up on the insane pace after a lap or two around the rink and carts you and John around at a more reasonable speed until, as always, Vriska finds it in her dear sweet heart to intervene. 

“Hey Vantas, you’ve already got one of the human boys, hands off my fucking spades.” She’s winking though, only kidding. Mostly. Probably. 

John swoops in for a kiss with her anyway. 

There’s like, point five seconds where you think shit might get awkward with Karkat. You decide to fill that void by being a complete douchebag. 

“Hey Karks, race me to the other side.” You grin at him, immediately pushing him to the floor. 

Doesn’t make you any faster or better at skating though, and he catches up to you in a tackle that could rival a rugby team. 

You’re both escorted out of the rink for “aggressive misconduct” and are asked not to return. They take pictures and everything. 

“So, uh, want to take pictures or some shit of the rest of them while we wait for them to finish?” You suggest. 

“Fuck that, I’m going to get ice cream.” Karkat tells you, pointing a distance away towards an ice cream stand. 

“Shit, I will totally come with you on that, five star idea Karkles.” 

“I will grant you permission to join me as long as you get a reasonable flavor. If you get that shitty blue kind one more time and then ask to have half of mine I will literally eviscerate you.” He warns. 

“But dude, the fishbowl flavor always looks so enticing. That color, the little gummy fish, how am I supposed to resist that? It ain’t fair, they know my weakness.” You complain. 

“One more time. Not. Sharing. Mine.” 

You end up choosing the most disgusting flavor, and he gives you a scoop of his cookies n’ cream along with a colorfully worded rant about how much of an “asinine nookfucking shitbarf” you are. 

 

 

You don’t start chilling with Karkat after that all the time or anything. Not that you wouldn’t be down, but, you don’t think he would be. Dude never even hits you up on pesterchum. He does, occasionally, reply to your onslaught of Snapchats with pictures of himself flipping you off, or screenshots of the Google image search for “giant human dick”. 

Lucky for you, your friends want to hang out all the fucking time. It’s only a few days after John’s birthday that Nepeta invites you all to her big time gallery opening- apparently all the schmoozing she did on New Years really paid off. She’s kind of hoping to sell enough art to pay for her rent for a few months to give her time to work on the commissions that she is also hoping to rake in courtesy of this gallery event. 

You hang with her all the time, so you’ve seen most of the stuff she’s putting up tonight. You’re mostly excited to talk it all up in front of potential buyers, and to talk shit about less inspired paintings from other artists. 

You know you aren’t supposed to be a judge-y asshole but, come on. It’s New York City. Place if full of trust fund kids with too much time on their hands to make shitty art. 

You try not to think about the fact that you’re a trust fund kid and the creator of SBAHJ. 

Neps asked Karkat to attend as her platonic (she assured you, platonic) date. Even in the art community, his name is getting big- she thought politicizing her art might help her sell. And, well, truth be told, her art is pretty fucking political to begin with. 

Karkat looks miserable, though, trying to sip his champagne rather than chug it while some white asshole with dreads and a “vintage” suit talks him up next to one of Nepeta’s ink paintings. Gentleman that you are, you decide to rescue him. 

“Sorry to interrupt, but Mr. Vantas just received a call about a book signing- mind if I steal him for a moment?” You wink at Karkat. Racist dreads guy nods like he’s now in on some big secret, and you lead Karkat away. 

“Fucking Christ, thank you. Can’t believe Nepeta asked me to be her date, I can’t even YELL at anyone. That was a human racist thing, right? A white guy with dread locks?” He asks you, downing his champagne. 

“Hells yes it was, Karks. Now let’s get us another drink and critique the hell out of this art show.” You say. 

He makes one of his adorable troll chirping noises in agreement. 

Nepeta steals him back twenty minutes later, telling you it’s inappropriate for the two of you to be standing the corner laughing so hard your sides hurt. You spend the rest of the night with Tavros, bored out of your skulls. You make sure to blow a kiss towards a still-occupied Karkat before you leave. You laugh watching him physically fight the urge to flip you off in front of all these people. 

 

 

You grow the balls to invite Karkat out a week later. Not by himself or anything. Not even anywhere fancy. Your stupid (awesome) museum is having this big dinosaurs after dark event, and oh ho ho you are lucky enough to be chosen to dress up as a Velociraptor (if we’re being honest the size scale makes you more a tiny ass Utahraptor or tall as fuck Deinonychus, but details, right?) to school these fucking nerdy kids and their obsessive parents on the Cretaceous period. 

You feel like your friends would get a kick out of you making an ass of yourself with dinosaur puns, so you invite them. John, Rose, and Karkat are the only ones who show up. Apparently that majesty of giant extinct reptiles is lost on your Alternian friends who grew up with, you know, whacked out monster lusi. 

Halfway through your spiel, when you’re going off about flying dinosaurs, it hits you that, shit, Terezi would have loved this. Chick never met her lusus, but according to Vriska, it was supposed to hatch into a dragon. These skeletons you’re showing are like, the closest she ever could have gotten to seeing that shit. You wonder if anyone ever took her to a museum to see them before she died. You wish you had. 

Okay whoops you definitely just slipped the word “dragon” into your speech, better fix that shit and get your mind back on track. These kids aren’t here at 10pm to hear about your tragic life stories, all they want is dinos. You take a quick glace at the three of your friends that managed to show up to gauge how big of a slip up you made- Rose and Karkat are both literally face-palming. John is cracking up besides them. Welp. Dragons, man. Shit. 

You, luckily, did not volunteer to lead any tours through the museum tonight. Your job is over when the presentation lets out, giving you time to hang out with your friends by all the spooky fossils. 

“Well, Dave, that was certainly enlightening. I truly thought I was being educated on dinosaurs, until you managed to slip your little quip about dragons in there.” Rose smirks at you. 

“Hey, dragons could have been there, dude. Cretaceous totally would have been their time to shine.” You argue. 

“You must have confused the hell out of those little kids, man. Their parents are going to have the worst time explaining that, no kid, science man was wrong, dragons are not real.” John chuckles. 

“Glad you’re all getting a good laugh out of my poor job performance. Why don’t you both kindly fuck off to the refreshments table while I remove this raptor costume.” You point them, with you big clawed hand, in the direction of snacks. 

John and Rose promptly fuck off, but you encourage Karkat to stick around by handing him the head part of your costume. 

“Can’t say I expected you to show up, bro.” You tell him, trying to fish your shades out of your pocket before removing the rest of your costume. 

“You think I’d miss this,” He motions to your outfit, “for anything? A little fucking breakup wasn’t going to stop me from getting about a million videos of this, Strider. You think it was cool when you made all your social media profile pictures my angry yelling face? Well get ready for dinosaur Dave all the fuck over my shit.” 

He snaps a pic for emphasis. 

“See bro, the difference is, I am going to eat that shit up. Bask in the attention.” You smile, just a little. 

“You’re actually the fucking worst.” 

He takes your dinosaur gloves when you hand them to him, though, so you know he doesn’t mean it. 

“Okay so dude am I totally Good Luck Chucking you right now? Is that what’s happening? Did you just come to see my penguin show and fall madly in love?” You ask him, face as deadpan as you can keep it. 

“You do realize that in the movie, Chuck was the one trying to make HER fall in love, right?” He asks. 

“So are you trying to get me to fall in love?” 

He drops your costume on the floor and stalks over to Rose and John, muttering under his breath about “never again” “fucking pompous wastechute”. 

You think the two of you might be officially flirting again.

Or, you know. He’s putting up with your flirting. Mostly. That’s like, halfway to married with two point five kids and a dog. 

 

 

So, okay, overall Spring is turning out to be a hell of a lot more optimistic than Autumn and Winter had been. 

There’s still the downside though.

The echo of what happened last May. Gamzee. Terezi. 

Tavros has been… down. You know he was only with Gamzee for a little while but, hell. Something about that creepy juggalo spoke to the way Nitram did sexless romance like no one else seems to be able to. 

You think the only thing that’s keeping him going right now is his internet friendship with Jake. Shit, you’re glad you introduced them over Christmas. You know Jake’s aro/ace experience is different from Tavros’ asexual but very much still romantic one, but he tells you all the time how nice it is to have someone who GETS it. 

He admits to you, when he’s a little more inebriated, that yeah, he let Gamzee up his nook a few times. Not because he was sexually attracted to him, but because it felt good to be close to him. He tells you it made him doubt his identity as an asexual, before he talked to Jake and heard about the kid’s very kinky sexual exploits with your brother that wow, wow, got told to you in way too much detail. 

Not that you aren’t going to recite it to Dirk at your next dinner with him and Caliborn to completely mortify him and cause a couples fight- you can see it now, Caliborn yelling “why haven’t we don’t that, Dirk?”- but it’s still going to give you a nightmare or two, wake you up sweating. And not in the sexy way. Just to be fucking clear. 

Tavros goes to bed real early on the eve of... the crash. The accident. Their deaths. You still aren’t sure how you’re supposed to phrase that shit. You know you’ve gotta be bright eyed and bushy tailed for him the next morning, take him to Gamzee’s grave, make sure he’s drinking enough liquid to make up for all the water he loses crying but, hell. You want some Terezi time, alone, without the rest of your inevitably emotionally needy friends. So you hop on the A, switch over to the L at Broadway Junction, and take a midnight walk in the cemetery. 

You haven’t been here since you dumped Karkat. You’ve got some shit to tell her. 

“So uh, TZ. Guess I’ve got some shit to tell you. You know I fucked things up with Karkat, real royally, totally bombed that test, F fucking minus. I think I was trying to make it seem like I was justified when I was here before but, shit, I was just flipping the fuck out and refusing to accept his help and pushing him away. My fault, TZ.” 

You pause to roll up the sleeve of your sweatshirt, exposing the two shitty tattoos you have in her honor- the pre-death “Terezi Pyrope” and post-death “coolkid”. Both equally terrible. 

“Got another tattoo for you. Did it myself. Couldn’t really copy your god-awful handwriting, but I tried my best, dude. Also trying my best with Karkat. Sometimes, shit, okay, here we go TZ, just because you’re dead, here’s some front row seats to the Strider feelings fest. Sometimes I think he’s into it, you know? But then he goes on these rants about how he doesn’t trust me and shit. He had a boyfriend, for fucks sake. And like, I think I’m like, supposed to just be cool with that. If I want him. It sucks though, man. It sucks really hard.” 

You press your forehead against her tombstone. 

“I really fucking love him.”

“Your clown boyfriend better not be listening to me spill my guts our, Rezi, I swear to god.” 

“Sometimes it really fucking sucks that you aren’t alive to tell me to shut the fuck up. Maybe your ghost could do some freaky shit with a tree branch or something when I’m getting to mushy, jesus, be a friend here, shut a bro up.” 

She is not around, so you do not shut the fuck up until you hear footsteps behind you. If it had been anyone else, you’d have had to pick your forehead up off the tombstone to see who it was, but Karkat’s angry little shuffle stomp is telltale as fuck. 

He stands behind you, awkward, silent for a few minutes. Then he sits down next to you in front of her grave. 

“Figures you’d be the only other asshole stupid enough to come out here in the middle of the night, you masochistic bulgeballoon.” He says to you. 

“How am I supposed to look for ghosts if I ain’t out here at midnight bro? Hasn’t John’s Ghostbusters obsession taught you anything?” You quip. 

He laughs, but it’s dry and hollow. 

You’re both quiet again, thinking about her, or each other, or something. 

Fifteen minutes later, more footsteps. 

“Tavros? Shit man, I thought you went to bed hours ago. Would’ve taken the train out here with you if I knew you were coming.” You say to the approaching figure. 

“I guess I just thought, you went to bed also. I’m not interrupting, anything important am I?” He asks, eyes darting between you and Karkat. 

“Not unless you count uncomfortable silence as important.” Karkat responds. You snort, and scoot away from Karkat to make space for Tavros to sit. Nitram’s knees brush up against yours, and holy hell is the metal of his robot leg freezing. 

“I guess it was stupid for me, to assume that I’d get alone time, with him today.” Tavros comments, looking pointedly at the grave that none of you are sitting in front of. You wonder how much it hurts him to know that the rest of you only care about Terezi. 

“We all made that mistake tonight, bro.” You reassure him. 

“Karkat, I know that, you’re here for Terezi, mostly, but, I was wondering, I don’t know much about him from before.” Tavros asks. 

Shit, you hope this doesn’t send Karkat over the edge. You aren’t sure if everyone knows just how precarious his relationship with the clown really was. 

“He was always the fucking same. Just like when you knew him. A little out of his fucking thinkpan, but in that annoyingly endearing way that has you wanting to punch him and hug him at the same time.” Karkat says. 

“Did he do well, in school? I don’t even know, if he was smart.” Tavros looks miserable. 

“Guess you didn’t have a whole lot of fucking time to get to know the guy, huh? Fuck, okay, so he did this really annoying thing where none of his homework ever got done, and all class he’d just space the fuck out but when teachers called on him he’d have this ridiculous philosophical answer that no one could comprehend. He aced tests, for the most part. It always pissed me off, that he could score higher than me without fucking trying.” Karkat admits. 

“Was his, uh, troll guardian on Earth, as awful as he says he was?”

“Pft. Kurloz is fucked, asshole sewed his own mouth shut. He and Gamzee were tight, until the drugs got both of them, I guess. I don’t really know what happened with that. Terezi’s probably the only one who did.” Now Karkat looks miserable too. 

“He really was, uh, sorry Karkat.” Tavros tacks on. 

“I know.” Karkat avoids his gaze. 

You’re starting to feel a little awkward, like you don’t really belong here. 

“Yo, I’m gonna bounce-“

Karkat cuts you off, “Sit your ass down, Strider. You were here first. Suck it the fuck up and wallow with us in our goddamn pathetic misery.” 

You wonder if he’s saying it because he wants you to stay. 

“Actually, I, uh, am going to go over there, say some things to Gamzee, real quiet, if you could try not to listen.” Tavros half-smiles. 

“Yeah, yeah, go be a sappy little shit, we’ll be here.” Karkat agrees. Tavros scampers off, six feet away. You try not to look at him. 

You and Karkat sit real quiet with your backs resting against Terezi’s tombstone, occasionally spouting off some “remember when she…” story to break the tension. Your shoulders are touching. You think for a second that it might be rude to use her tombstone as a backrest for your morbid flirting but, hell, she’d probably like to be a part of this. 

“Her trial is soon.” Karkat tells you. 

Right. Vriska is trying to sue the hell out of the dude who hit Gamzee’s car. From the shit you’ve heard, it was completely his fault.

“You think he’s going to jail?” You ask. 

“Ha, are you kidding? I think we’ll be lucky if he even has to pay their hospital bills. Do you have any idea how shitty it is that we have to pay for our dead friends’ hospital bills? Jesus fucking human Christ, have some sympathy medical system.” He looks more sad than furious. 

“Why the fuck wouldn’t he have to pay anything? The fuck?” 

“He’s a human, Dave. They’re trolls.” He says, exasperated. 

Fuck. 

“Fuck.” 

There’s an awkward pause, where you’re both hurting about too many different things to form any words. 

“What do you think she’d say about our breakup, dude?” You ask, breath heavy. 

He stares out into the sun rising on the horizon.

“She wouldn’t have let it happen.” 

There’s still so much heartbreak in his voice. Sometimes you really don’t know if you can fix it. 

“Do you believe in like, troll afterlife?” You ask again.

“No. But I still like to picture her there.” 

He rests his head on your shoulder as morning creeps into the sky. 

\------------------------------------------------- 

Your thinkpan must be fucking rotting. You’ve made a series of unfortunate decisions the past few months- dating Mituna, cheating on Mituna, dumping Mituna on New Years Eve, agreeing to the agony that is hanging out with Dave fucking Strider on a regular basis- but nothing, nothing compares to the complete and utter bullshit that was your decision to keep a secret with Vriska Serket. 

It’s not a life changing deep dark could totally put your life in danger secret. You aren’t that fucking out of your mind. 

You just, shit. This afternoon, you may or may not have been interviewed by the Daily Show about the film you are about to release documenting the violent atrocities committed against Earthbound Alternians on a daily fucking basis. It’s like, incredibly big press. You’re kind of stoked. You kind of wanted your friends to help you prep for it, to go see the taping, something. 

Vriska convinced you to keep it a secret. 

She prepared you for the interview fine, that isn’t the issue. You just now have a house full of goddamn idiots who keep saying that, no, they don’t want to watch tonight’s episode right now while Vriska cranks the volume higher and higher. 

They’re about to see you on fucking TV and they have no idea. 

You invited Dave. Wait, did you invite Dave? Did fucking Vriska invite Dave? Okay the commercial break is almost over abscond abscond abscond-

“Karkat what the FUCK?” You don’t even know which one of them says it first, but now you’re trapped. 

“Are you asswipes going to watch the fucking television program or just keep gawking at me?” You silence everyone, pointing at the screen. 

You hate this, you hate every fucking second of watching yourself out on that stage. Your friends keep laughing at the shit John Stewart says, but your voice is so GRATING- why has no one told you that before? And good god, you’re short. You swear you thought you’d had a great conversation while you were there, just a few fucking hours ago, but you sound like an angry dweeb, yelling about something you’re sure none of the human audience cares about. They cheer for your one-liners, twice, but now that you’ve been to the studio you are very aware that they’re prompted to do that shit. 

Dave seems to be having a god damn life crisis trying to figure out whether to gape at past you on TV or current you moping with your arms crossed over your chest, totally pre-planning your speech to kick them all the fuck out as soon as your interview stops playing. You think Dave thinks that he’s maintaining his stoic bullshit, but his lips are totally parted a fraction of a fucking inch and his breathing is all fast and- okay, shut the fuck up Karkat, enough mentally hitting on your ex boyfriend during the most embarrassing moment of your adult life. 

Vriska’s the first one to sling an arm around you when the credits start rolling, like she hadn’t already memorized every fucking word of it. 

“Holy shit, KK, that was actually not complete shit.” Sollux is the first one to pipe up. 

“Gee, thanks, what a supportive fucking friend.” You throw in a grimace to make sure he catches your sarcasm. 

“Everyone in this fucking room was expecting you to flip your shit the minute you walked onto set.” Sollux deadpans back. Your other jackass friends just sort of nod along in agreement. 

“Great, please, continue mocking me in my own home. I’ve got better shit to do.” You realize you’re being overdramatic when you slam the door to your bedroom. 

You care a little less when they all start arguing about ‘whose turn it is to calm Karkat down’. Bulgeshits. 

Vriska elects Dave. No one wants to argue with Vriska. Do they seriously think you can’t hear them? 

“Uh, hey, Karkat, so I’m sure you heard the fanfare goin’ on out there man. You gonna let me in? Or I’m gonna keep knocking. Vriska’s giving me this look dude, I know she’s all talk now-a-days but I’m not really in the mood to actually hear that talk, you dig? Anyway, she- woah.” He cuts off when you pull him into the bedroom by his shirt collar, and close the door after him. 

“For the love of fuck, shut up.” You instruct. 

“How much you wanna bet Vriska set this whole fucking thing up to get us into this room alone?” 

“Oh my god do you think John fucking Stewart was in on it?” 

“Wanna hide in here till they all leave?” You swear you see the corners of his mouth twitch up. 

“Fuck, YOU’RE in on it.” 

“Dude, what? No, come on. Sollux was already dragging Eridan out the door anyway, and who really wants to spend any more time with Serket than socially required?” He reasons. 

“You do realize she is literally my business partner.” 

“Acceptance is the first step to recovery, bro. Glad you could finally admit that to yourself.” Now he’s definitely fighting back a smile. 

You’re having trouble not laughing yourself when you hear the rest of your friends yell “BYE” and exit the apartment. “Holy shit Dave, this is ridiculous. Who DOES this shit, setting up their friends like some shitty fucking romcom.” 

“Dude, you love romcoms. Look me in the eye and tell me this isn’t your dream come true.” He’s smiling still. 

“Generally romcoms involve some semblance of romantic attraction. Don’t see that shit here.” You said it just to wipe the smile off his face, not because you mean it. You succeed. Maybe more than you anticipated to. 

“Yeah I get it, I’ll just fuck right off too. See you whenever.” He swings your bedroom door open and makes to leave. 

“Dave, for fucks sake, calm your ass down.” 

He turns around to face you. 

You don’t know why you said it. Are you asking him to stay? God fucking damn it Karkat. 

“Want to stay and read through the notes Vriska TOLD me to use for the interview? That shit is comedic gold, I swear.” You try to pretend your hands aren’t sweating. 

“You know I do dude. Break out some beers, lets get into this shit.” 

 

 

“Eridan, are you fucking SURE I should be here?” This is a terrible idea.

“It’s Sol’s birthday, quit yer complaining.” Eridan is beyond annoyed with you. 

“Yeah, I’m fucking aware. And maybe, for his birthday, he doesn’t want his brother flipping the fuck out that I’m there.” You grumble. For about the seventeenth time. 

“Well, shit, too fucking late Karkat- here we are. Get the hell out of my car and go socialize.” Eridan quite literally reaches across the passenger’s seat to open your door for you. Something tells you he isn’t above forcibly removing you, so you unbuckle yourself and stomp upstairs the their apartment after him. 

Sollux hates pretty much fucking everyone, so the only people even at this shit show of a party aside from Eridan, Mituna, and yourself are his two ex girlfriends (way to be inappropriate, Captor) and Nepeta who seems to have been dragged along by both of them for support. 

You hate this already. 

You hate it even more when everyone, save Mituna and yourself, get fucking wrecked on edibles. You thought you could handle talking to your stoned dumbass friends for about twenty minutes, and then Nepeta had come out of the kitchen in an apron casually holding a knife, talking about raptors. 

“FUCK holy shit Mituna please help me get this knife away from her.” You hate your friends you hate your friends you hate your friends…

Nepeta is laughing her ass off. Honestly, it isn’t that hard to slip the knife out of her grasp and hide it safely in a kitchen drawer. You let her keep the apron. You think it’s making her happy. 

Mituna follows you in the kitchen regardless. 

“Hiding?” You ask him. 

“My therapist doesn’t think being around drugs is the best for me right now.” He responds. 

“Sorry Sollux is a douchebag.” You apologize for your friend, as if Mituna hasn’t spent most of his life with the little asshole. 

“You would fucking know.” You see his thumbs twitch as he says it. 

This is the part you were dreading. God fucking damn it. 

“I’m aware that I’m an asshole Mituna, fuck. I’m just going to go, I TOLD Eridan it was stupid for me to come over here.” You’ve broken this kid’s heart enough. Or, you know, adult’s heart. Seeing as he is one hundred fucking percent several sweeps your senior. 

“NO! Don’t fucking just leave me here with these dicks.” Mituna grabs you by your arm. 

You can’t tell if he’s flirting. You snatch your arm away. 

“I’m not here to flirt with you.” You tell him. Suave as fuck, Karkat. Way to spare a troll his feelings. 

“I got that.” He looks less angry than you anticipated. 

“Oh.” 

“I liked being friends with you too, Karkat. I don’t really have very many. What with the violent mood swings,” He smiles a bit. 

“They don’t seem so bad anymore.” You say. 

“I’m on a lot of medication.” His smile grows. 

You don’t know how to respond to that. It’s not that you don’t want to be friends with Mituna. It’s just that this is probably the most uncomfortable you have ever been in your life, ever. You wonder if he still pictures you naked. 

“So what the fuck do you want to do if you won’t let me leave?” Have you mentioned how sensitive and caring you are? 

“You, well, okay, I’m, fuck, you probably don’t want to talk about what happened with us, do you?” He asks. 

Your grimace gives your answer away before you have a chance to speak. 

He continues, “When you first broke up with me, I kept telling myself that I was just pushing you into the wrong quadrant. That we should have been moirails all along.” 

He pauses to look at you. You… are terrified. Are you going to have to reject him AGAIN? Fuck, hell, damn it Vantas why do you keep putting yourself in these situations?

He starts laughing, “Yeah, then I realized that you actually DO have Dave in all of your quadrants. Figured settling for friendship would have to do.” 

“It’s NOT about Dave.” 

“Karkat if you say that one more time, I actually WILL get pissed.” 

Something about the look on his face has you cracking up. You’re trying pretty hard to convince yourself that it isn’t because he’s right. 

 

 

You spend way too much fucking time with Dave Strider. Half of it is your friends pushing you together, asking you to hang out in groups and then abandoning you. The rest of it is all Dave being a flirty little shit. 

You’re trying your hardest to be angry about it. 

Right now that anger is directed at one John Egbert, for demanding a movie night with “just the three of you” and then insisting on sitting you directly in between himself and Dave on his too-small-not-to-touch sofa. 

The staying angry thing is made harder by the bowl of popcorn in your lap Dave keeps shoving his hand into. 

Your brain tells you “that’s not the only thing that’s hard” in a voice that is way too Strider-like for your comfort. You would kill to get him out of your head. 

“Dude you’re melting the M&Ms.” That Dave voice was definitely out loud, from real Dave. His hand is now struggling to open your fist that is desperately clenching the bag of chocolate you’re supposed to be sharing with the group. 

You snatch your hand back, “It fucking tastes better on the popcorn if it’s melted shitsponge.” 

“So you felt it necessary to melt it with your aggressive body heat like some weird werewolf bro? Couldn’t use the microwave? Is that shit too twentieth century for you? Okay, okay, I got it dude. With our body heat combined, we can melt these M&Ms all over this popcorn.” He smushes your hands forcefully together over the bag. Several M&Ms scatter onto the sofa where they are inevitably staining your pants. John can’t tear his eyes away from the screen for long enough to be bothered by your bickering. 

You’re going to kill the both of them tonight. 

Dave chooses that moment to release your hand, pouring the remaining (now disgustingly melted) chocolate into the bowl of popcorn. He grabs a handful, chews it, and proceeds to lick every one of his god damn fingers clean. 

Abort, abort, change of plans. You won’t be killing anyone. Strider already murdered you. Right in the bulge. 

Why aren’t you having sex with him again? 

He’s back to watching the movie again, done with torturing you for the moment. 

Something about the way his face gets all stoic when he’s turned away from you punches you in the gut. You spent four years wiping that straight line off his face, learning exactly what you had to say to get the corners of his mouth to perk up, to make him bare his teeth in anger (a habit you like to think he picked up from you), to make him give you a genuine grin. 

But when he’d broken up with you, there wasn’t a god damn thing written across his face. No frown, no remorse. Just the flat line of his lips. 

He was crying under his shades. 

But he hadn’t wanted you to know. He didn’t want you to know he was sad about leaving you. 

He left you. 

Yeah, okay. There is a very distinct reason you are not having sex with him, and it’s turning your stomach sour. More than six months later and you still can’t get those last words he said to you out of your head. 

‘I’ll never love anyone more’. 

To you, it sounded a hell of a lot more like ‘I love you, but it isn’t enough’. 

You don’t know if you have it in you to go through that again. The falling madly, painfully in love. Watching him fall apart. Watching him leave. Not quite understanding what to do with your heart with him gone. Being his ‘not enough’ instead of his ‘always’. 

Your name is Karkat Vantas, and you are unquestionably afraid of admitting just how in love you still are with Dave Strider. 

“Uh, so are neither of you going to make a move to put on the next movie? The remote is literally right in front of y’all.” Dave breaks you out of your train of thought. 

“My hands are kind of full douchebag.” You snap back, jostling the popcorn around enough to spill a little bit not-so-accidentally onto his lap. 

Both your heads turn to John who is… fast the fuck asleep. Of course. Because your life is a bullshit cliché, and probably John is faking because he is a nooksniffer who totally is on Dave’s side and GOD this is just another ploy to get you alone with him isn’t it? 

And then Dave has his hand on your thigh and his body hovering over you and- oh god- oh. Wait, what? Is he not kissing you? 

“Just needed to grab the controller dude. We’ve got, like, three movies left. Not gonna let a passed out Egbert ruin sappy movie night. Next up: The Fault in Our Stars. I want to watch you cry, Vantas.” He presses into you, just for a second, just long enough to make your heart beat faster than you’re proud of. 

You swear you weren’t just hoping for him to kiss you. You totally were not going to let that happen if he went for it. 

You’ve got to get your shit together.

You’ve got to figure out what the fuck you want from Dave. 

“Uh, Karkat? You look like you’re flipping your shit bro. Aw, dude, your palms are all sweaty, what’s going on? You just worked up about Augustus already? I know he dies, man, I know it’s rough.” Dave actually grabs your palm and presses it to his face, making this big fucking deal out of how nervous you are. 

“It’s just HOT in here Dave, fuck you, give me my fucking hand back.” You hope he doesn’t notice how close you place your arm to his thigh when he releases your grip. Or maybe you hope he does notice. Fuck.

You watch the first half of the movie in almost-silence, aside from Dave cracking jokes about how much he hates the characters. You elbow him sharply every time he does it but, Jesus, Augustus really is an annoying little shit. Your eyes still well up with tears when he announces that his cancer is back, and you’re straight up crying by the end of the movie. 

Dave hasn’t said jack shit to you in about twenty minutes, so you figure he’s crying too, until you look at him when the credits start rolling and he isn’t even watching the screen. 

“Earth to Strider, why are you heartless? Strider? Come in Strider, the movie ended five minutes ago.” You poke at him when he doesn’t respond. 

“Oh, shit, I got all spaced out. Fuck, it’s over? Last I saw they were all inappropriately making out in Anne Frank’s house.” He says, still definitely looking off to the side. 

“Yeah, even I understand the cultural significance of that bullshit.” You agree. He still doesn’t say anything so you poke at him again and continue, “Dave, what the fuck? You obviously set up this little movie night with pretending-to-still-be-asleep-Egbert to get some alone time with me, but now you aren’t talking to me. What the actual fuck?” 

You watch his chest deflate, “Shit I knew you’d think I was in on this. I know you don’t want to- I’m not trying to con you into dating me. You don’t want it, I get it. You barely want to be friends with me. Also get it. I hate you thinking that I’m here trying to manipulate you or some shit, alright?” 

“Okay.” You don’t know why, but you believe him. 

“Wait, what?” Apparently he didn’t expect you to believe him, either. 

“You’re usually pretty open about your bullshit with me.” You say, because he is.

“Guess that’s fair. I’m still into you, you know.” 

“Yeah. I know.” 

“Fuck.” 

You sigh, “Dave, do you want to talk about this shit?” 

“No.”

“Okay.”

“…”

“…”

“Yes.”

You laugh, “Yeah, I fucking thought so.” 

“Man, it’s really shitty that you dated someone else.” Dave says. 

Your blood pusher comes to a complete fucking stop. Holy fuck, the guilt. “I did it because I was mad at you.” 

“Still shitty.” 

“Dave, you dumped me.” 

He smiles faintly, “Yeah guess that was also pretty shitty.” 

“I didn’t love him or anything.” That’s something you really, really want Dave to understand. 

“Uh, really?” 

“What? Dave, are you fucking kidding me? Do you not remember me kissing you on New Years and breaking up with him immediately afterwards?” 

His mouth goes from sad-smile to shit-eating grin in point five seconds, “Funny, you kept yelling that your break up had nothing to do with me.” 

You’re sure you’re blushing, “It had nothing to do with getting back together with you.” 

“But it had to do with having feelings for me.” 

“Shut your goddamn lips.” 

His smile gets bigger, “Maybe you want to be doing something else to my lips.” 

You have no idea if you should hit him or kiss him. Up until now, you’ve been much more angry with Dave than in love with him. This being friends with him and seeing him all the fucking time thing has thrown your scale the fuck out of whack. 

Thankfully John Egbert comes to your rescue, “Maybe you two could go home and stop flirting on my couch.” 

You dump your bowl of popcorn on him. Everyone laughs. John kicks you off the sofa. Dave lends you a hand to get you back up, and holds on to it for just fucking long enough that you know it means more than “just bros”. You let him. 

 

 

TG: so did you still want to chill today  
TG: or are you bailing  
TG: fuck man i knew it was too much to ask to hang out alone  
TG: i can just go to the show myself its fucking fine  
CG: I WAS IN THE SHOWER DUMBASS.  
CG: YOU FUCKING KNOW I LOVE THE BALLET.  
CG: CALM YOUR SHAME GLOBES AND LET ME USE YOUR STUPID FREE TICKET.  
TG: word im outside  
CG: JESUS FUCKING CHRIST 

You throw on pants because yeah no you are not answering the door for Dave completely nude. He seems distracted enough by your bare torso as it is. 

“Quit staring, creep. This is what you get when you show up twenty minutes early.” You toss your wet towel at him. 

“Hey, I don’t mind the show.” 

“You’ll mind my foot in your crotch.” 

“Depends how it gets there.” 

“Do you WANT me to make you go to this show alone?” You threaten. You don’t mean it. You probably like the way he looks at you. There is just no way in hell you’re about to tell him that. 

“Man, just put on a shirt. Gotta get there early enough for snacks, dude. I’ll even treat, brofriend. Uh, boyfriend. Shit. Bro. Friend. Dude. Fuck.” 

“Should I let you continue on your disaster of a Freudian slip?” The corner of your mouth shoots up. 

“You gotta interrupt me, Karkat. You’re my only hope.” Dave genuinely looks desperate. 

“I’ve actually got a story for you. Let me put on my clothes and I’ll tell you on the subway.” You roll your eyes playfully, and begin dressing yourself. 

Halfway to the train, he pulls his brain off the memory of you topless to remember to ask you about it, “Oh, shit, what was your story bro?” 

“It’s… actually pretty shitty. About Terezi’s case. And Gamzee’s. The lawsuit Vriska was doing. Whatever.” 

“Fuck. We lost, didn’t we?” Of course he can tell, its obvious from the hate in your tone. 

“Of fucking course we did. I told you this a fucking month ago. He was a human. A white cis male human- you’ve talked to me enough about that shit for me to know none of it was in our favor.” You explain. 

“Vriska’s gonna do something stupid. When’d she give you the news?” Dave asks. 

“I know she is. She just told me this morning. I give it forty-eight hours before this guy turns up dead.” You sigh. 

“I hope she gets away with it.” 

“Never thought I’d say this about the crazy bitch but yeah. Me the fuck too.” You agree. 

You haven’t been to see the New York City Ballet since the last time Dave brought you here. Must’ve been three years ago by now. You kind of wonder if he’s going to pull the same date moves he pulled back then- flowers, wine, general cheesy romance. This might be his big fucking move. 

You decide to figure out his plan as you take your seats in the theater. 

“So how’d you get these tickets again?” You ask him. 

“Dude, I told you. Girl who was supposed to get employee of the month stole a fucking fossil, but they already had bought the tickets for her, so as the fucking runner up I got her hand-me-down gift. You still think I bought them, don’t you? Maan, I told you at Egbert’s, I’m not trying to woo you right now, okay? Just want you to trust me again man.” He looks dejected as hell. 

“Yeah yeah, okay. I believe you. I’m glad you asked me.” You respond. 

“Not that I’m never going to try, dude.” He tacks on. 

“That doesn’t surprise me, either.” You can’t help but laugh. 

“So you want me to woo you right?” 

“Shut the fuck up, Strider. It’s starting.” 

Saved by the curtain. 

The performance is beautiful. There’s a troll in the corp. You cry during the last number. Dave buys you candy during intermission. 

You’re not ready to tell him how hard you’re falling for him. 

You’re not ready to go home without him either. 

You are so fucked. 

“Dave, let’s get food, I’m fucking starving.” You announce, halfway to the subway home. His face lights up like a human Christmas Tree. 

“There’s this dope Ethiopian place that just opened up. Or like, we could just do the classic late night pierogis at Veselka.” Dave suggests. 

“Fucking wish some Alternian restaurants would open up around the city.” You complain. You hate admitting it, but sometimes you genuinely miss Kankri’s home cooking. Gross. 

“We could just cook at my place, dude. Tav found this great market that has a shit ton of ingredients from Alternia. Pretty sure some of them are violating intergalactic trade laws, but whatever.” Dave is walking super close to you. You don’t push him away. 

“What? No. Now all I’m gonna think about is pierogis until we eat them. Hey, we’ll be in St. Mark’s anyway, maybe I can pressure you into getting yet another impulse tattoo in honor of Terezi.” You joke. 

“I actually have a piece planned for her. I’m saving up for it.” He admits. 

“Like, a not shitty one?” 

“Fuck you, my TZ tats are perfect. But yeah. Nep is helping me draw it. It’s got all this stupid human religious imagery in it. It was kind of a thing she and I had. Inside joke. Saint Terezi.” He sounds nervous saying it. 

“Yeah, asshole, you realize I was there like seventy-five percent of the time you were hanging out, right? I am aware of all of your weird role-play nicknames for each other.” You clap him on the shoulder, awkward, platonic. Neither of you have really gotten the hang of Terezi being dead yet. You aren’t really sure you ever will. 

It’s a Thursday, so St Mark’s is a little bit out of control, but it’s early enough in the night that you get a seat pretty quickly. You both order your weight in food, and scarf it down like you haven’t eaten in weeks. The whole thing is so easy, being with him, talking with him, ordering him a coffee when he gets up to pee because you know he’ll want one. 

You both split the check, and find yourselves accidentally walking around the corner towards Big Gay Ice Cream because, shit, that’s what you always would do when you hung out in this stupid crowded part of town. You split a cone, because you both want the same thing, but can’t stomach a whole one after all that dinner. 

You sit your asses on a stoop and keep talking. 

“Okay wait I have news.” He says, licking ice cream off his thumb in a way that has you looking pointedly in the other direction. 

“Let me fucking guess: they finally realized you shouldn’t have passed the seventh grade and have revoked all of your degrees. You’re enrolling for middle school in the fall.” You quip. 

“How’d you fucking guess. Straight up psychic over here. Move aside, Vriska, we’ve got a candy blood who can read fucking minds.” He’s so dramatic. 

“Just tell me douchebag.” 

“I got in to this PhD program at NYU. Paleontology. I’m gonna be a doctor, dude.” He’s grinning. You fucking love it when he’s grinning. 

You forget you’re holding ice cream and get it all over his back when you hug him. You both think it’s worth it. 

You don’t tell him how proud you are of him out loud, but you know he knows. Instead, you joke, “Not a REAL doctor, though. Just to be clear. You’ll have a doctorate but if I have a heart attack in front of you I’ll still be fucked.” 

“True, but two hundred years after you die in front of me, I could dig up your bones and learn all the fuck about them.” He retorts. 

“You’re so morbid.” 

“You’re so cute.” 

“What??” 

“Uh what? Nothing.” 

You decide to let it go, “There’s still ice cream in your hair, Strider.” 

“Maybe you could wash it out for me.” You can feel his wink behind his shades. 

“Maybe you could go fuck yourself.” 

“Bet you’d like that.” 

“Dave.”

“Yeah, no, I’ll stop.” 

You help him clean the ice cream out of his hair because, really, it’s gross. You then notice your texts from Vriska. 

“Dave. Oh, fucking Christ. Why did she send me this article about a car crash followed by like eight winky faces?” You ask, brandishing your phone at him. 

“Okay, dude, we both know it isn’t ‘like eight winky faces’. It is exactly eight fucking winky faces.” He corrects you. 

“DAVE.” You shake your phone at him, make him look at the article. 

“This is him, isn’t it? The guy who killed TZ.” He asks you. 

“The name of the person in this crash hasn’t been released yet.” You say. 

“Dude, we both know it’s him.” 

“Or she’s going for the entire fucking jury.” 

He takes in a sharp breath, “Dude, do you think she is?” 

“We’ve got to go find her. She’s going to get arrested, she cannot be using her fucking powers on Earth Dave, especially not to fucking revenge kill.” You tell him. 

“Text her.” 

You do. 

She tells you she’s safe, hidden, doesn’t want to be found right now. 

She assures you it’s just the one, just the guy, not the jury, not the judge, not the witnesses. 

She tacks on a “for now” that leaves chills running down your spine. 

“Dave, I hate this.” You tell him. 

“I know, Karkat. I know you don’t want to lose her, too.” He presses his forehead into you. 

“Why the fuck is VRISKA the person I’m afraid of losing? FUCK.” 

“Dude, let me take you home.” 

“You can sleep on the couch.” 

“Okay.” 

 

 

TG: yo john told me vriska came home today  
CG: YEAH OF COURSE SHE DID, THE POLICE JUST RULED HER VICTIM’S DEATH A SUICIDE.  
TG: shit  
TG: is it  
TG: fuck  
TG: is it cool that im glad hes dead dude  
TG: im glad she got away with it  
CG: HONESTLY ME TOO.  
CG: HE DESERVED TO FUCKING DIE.  
TG: damn  
TG: vicious  
CG: SHUT UP.  
TG: oh i watched your latest video dude  
TG: it got so many views holy shit  
TG: wasnt sure you were cool with posting something so personal  
CG: I JUST  
CG: TEREZI’S CASE IS FUCKING EXACTLY THE SHIT I’VE BEEN TALKING ABOUT THIS WHOLE TIME.  
CG: I CAN’T BE A LEADER IN THIS POLITICAL CHANGE IF I’M ONLY USING OTHER PEOPLE’S STORIES.  
CG: IT WAS TERRIBLE TALKING ABOUT TEREZI LIKE ANOTHER TROLL STATISTIC.  
CG: BUT THAT’S  
CG: FUCK  
CG: TO HUMANS THAT’S ALL SHE IS.  
TG: have you ever thought about bringing up your blood color  
CG: WHAT  
TG: i mean dude  
TG: your ancestor was straight up a revolutionary badass preaching for change  
TG: dude inspired a revolution  
TG: people go crazy for that kind of history  
TG: for you to be here finishing his work doing shit right doing shit he couldnt do  
CG: I THINK YOU’RE GIVING ME WAY TOO MUCH CREDIT.  
CG: I RUN A POPULAR BLOG AND PRODUCE SHORT FILMS.  
TG: dude after i get my phd  
TG: and become a world renowned dinosaur guy  
TG: im gonna get a second degree in film  
TG: and make the most badass documentary about your life in comparison to the signless bro  
TG: its gonna be fucking epic  
CG: OH RIGHT YES A MOVIE MAKING PALEONTOLOGIST.  
CG: THOSE ARE SO COMMON.  
TG: anyway wanna go see jurassic world with me next week  
CG: DAVE THAT MOVIE HAS BEEN OUT OF THEATERS FOR MONTHS.  
TG: not at the tiny fucking movie theater down the street from me that somehow manages to be five months behind in movies all the time  
TG: which is so convenient for me  
TG: lets me consistently be ironically late when discussing pop culture  
CG: HOLY SHIT YOU’RE ANNOYING  
CG: BUT YES  
TG: sweet its a date  
TG: shit  
TG: no just kidding  
CG: YEAH IT IS NOT A DATE.  
CG: WE ARE JUST TWO BEST BROS GOING TO SEE A PLATONIC FUCKING MOVIE.  
CG: GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER.  
TG: best bros  
TG: ?  
CG: UGH  
CG: FUCK  
CG: DON’T FLATTER YOURSELF.  
TG: dude  
TG: right so anyway  
TG: moving past that train wreck of a conversation  
TG: how are you besides the whole you know  
TG: our friends being literal murders thing  
TG: how is karkat  
CG: QUIT IT WITH YOUR SISTER’S WEIRD PSYCHOLOGIST TONE.  
CG: I’M FINE.  
CG: I’M… ACTUALLY REALLY GOOD. CONSIDERING.  
TG: considering that last year tz died  
CG: YEAH  
CG: I’M ACTUALLY PROUD AS FUCK OF SOME OF THE VIDEOS I’M WORKING ON.  
TG: more than the shit you showed me a few weeks ago  
CG: OH YEAH.  
CG: WAIT I COULD ACTUALLY USE SOME HELP WITH VISUALS.  
CG: VRISKA IS INCREDIBLE AT CONTENT BUT ABSOLUTE SHIT AT AESTHETIC.  
TG: shit do you want to send it to me  
TG: you know how i love aesthetics bro  
CG: NGH  
CG: THERE ARE TOO MANY FILES ALL THE FUCK OVER MY DESKTOP.  
CG: JUST COME OVER THIS WEEKEND OR SOMETHING.  
TG: holy shit did i just get invited to karkats house  
CG: I SWEAR TO SHIT I WILL RIP OUT YOUR INTESTINES IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU TO STOP FLATTERING YOURSELF ONE MORE GODDAMN TIME.  
TG: man i wish i had a quarter for every time you threatened to gut me  
CG: WHAT, YOU AREN’T RICH ENOUGH AS IT IS?  
TG: haha hey woah theres never enough money dude  
TG: who knows when it might come in handy  
CG: PROBABLY WHEN VRISKA KILLS SOMEONE AGAIN AND NEEDS YOU TO PAY FOR HER LAWYER.  
TG: hahaha  
TG: i wonder if she knows how much shit we talk about her  
TG: oh man i wonder if john knows how much shit we talk about her  
TG: do hate dates get mad when their best bros shit talk their hate fuck buddy  
CG: ONCE AGAIN YOU PROVE HOW CULTURALLY INSENSITIVE YOU ARE.  
TG: i do my best  
CG: WHY ARE YOU EVEN AWAKE, DON’T YOU HAVE WORK TOMORROW?  
TG: look at you all worried about me  
TG: yeah i was just having trouble sleeping  
TG: guess i should give it a shot though  
TG: got kids to teach in the morning  
TG: but im taking you the fuck up on that offer to come over this weekend  
CG: OF COURSE YOU ARE  
CG: GO TO BED JACKASS  
TG: hey you too  
TG: fuckin judging me for being up at three am  
TG: when youre doin the same shit  
TG: get your butt in your recupercoon  
CG: YOU ARE WELL AWARE THAT SOPOR WAS CRIMINALIZED ON EARTH.  
TG: fuck yeah im sorry dude  
TG: not a cool joke i fucked up  
CG: ITS FINE.  
CG: BEDS HAVE BECOME SURPRISINGLY COMFORTING OVER TIME.  
CG: THIS IS EMBARRASSING TO ADMIT BUT I THINK THAT YOU ACTUALLY HELPED A FUCK OF A LOT WITH THAT.  
CG: STOPED HAVING NIGHTMARES WHEN YOU STARTED CRASHING IN MY BED.  
CG: ALSO STOPPED JUST STAYING AWAKE FOR DAYS ON END.  
CG: ANYWAY  
CG: UH DAVE?  
CG: REALLY WAS EXPECTING YOU TO GIVE ME SOME SHIT ABOUT THAT.  
CG: DAVE?  
CG: OH MY GOD YOU FELL ASLEEP.  
CG: YOU ARE FUCKING TERRIBLE.  
CG: SCUM.  
CG: HIT ME UP ON YOUR BREAK FROM WORK TOMORROW DOUCHEFUCK.

\------------------------------------------

Your name is Dave Strider, and you are head over fucking heels in love with your best bro. 

Pros to this situation: He wants to hang out with you all the time. You know everything about him. When you pass out on his sofa he covers you up with a blanket. He always has your favorite food at his place. He knows what you like to order at restaurants. He appreciates your advice. He gossips so fucking much with you. Sometimes he falls asleep in your bed. You get to flirt with him all the time. He is fucking perfect. He’s the only one who knows all sixteen variations of your smile. He’s told you all of his kinks. You watch exactly the same shows on Netflix. You have a cat together. 

Cons to this situation: You broke his heart nine months ago. You don’t know if he’ll ever forgive you. 

But hey, fuck, right now he’s sitting on the stoop of the apartment you share with Tavros- the apartment that still doesn’t quite feel like you belong in it- and his knee is touching yours, and he’s laughing at some god awful joke you just made, and the sun is bright as hell as it sets on the horizon, and you both remembered to take your allergy medication this morning so the flowers on the trees are beautiful and welcome. 

Have you ever mentioned how gorgeous Karkat looks when he’s laughing, big white fangs brushing against his lopsided smile? God. Sometimes you think it’ll kill you, just looking at him. 

He interrupts your train of thought to say the thing you’ve been doing your best to postpone all day, “Fuck, okay, that’s hilarious. I can’t believe she SAID that to you, jesus humans are dipshits. As much as I’d like to sit here and gossip about the bulgelicking racist shit people do, the Mayor’s dinner time was two hours ago.” 

“Yeah, can’t leave the Mayor hanging. Fuck the subway though, let me drive you home man. I’m borrowing Rose’s car this week. Oh shit which reminds me, if you need anything from Costco Tav and I are heading there Friday.” You tell him.

“I’m not sure if Dave Strider in Costco is something I need to see or something that should never be allowed to exist in the universe.” Karkat groans at you. He’s standing up to walk towards your car. Yeah, okay, you guess the hang out sesh is officially coming to an end. 

It’s stupid that you already miss him. Dude is still standing here. And, you know, you’ve been hanging out constantly for the past few weeks. Best bros again and shit. 

But you miss going home with him. You miss your legs tangled around his and his hands in your hair and the smell of his deodorant. 

“Hey Karkat, wanna grab some Wendy’s first? We drive by one on the way back to your place.” You suggest. You’re desperate for a little more time with him. You sort of have this whole plan thought up where you make a big romantic move to win him back. You’ve just, you know, got to work up the balls to go through with it. 

“Hell yes, I want a frosty more than fucking anything right now.” 

“Remember when you didn’t think you’d like them?” You joke. 

“Remember when you shut the fuck up?” 

Yup. That’s the dude you’re in love with. 

The Wendy’s is predictably packed, and Rose has instated a “no food in the car” rule since that time you accidentally exploded a few packets of ketchup all over the passenger’s seat. You and Karkat end up eating on the steps outside the restaurant, dipping fries into his frosty. 

“Dave, god damn it, you got chocolate all over my shirt, are you fucking kidding me?” Karkat gestures at the spot where, yup, you definitely just spilled a little food on him, and proceeds to dip a french fry into the frosty and smush it against your face. 

“That was definitely the adult way to respond to that situation Karkat nice.” You also take the low road and press your now-dirty face against his cheek, covering the both of you in ice cream. He laughs, which has your stomach feeling like its got a thousand butterflies because holy hell you’re both being flirty as fuck and he LIKES it. 

Some asshole chooses this particularly intimate moment to scoff at you, rolling his eyes into the back of his head as he walks past. You probably would have just ignored that shit. Karkat isn’t really about that life. 

“What the fuck was HIS problem?” He gestures with his thumb. 

“Dude’s just jealous I’m getting my flirt on with such a cute troll boy.” You know it’s a risky move, pointing out the flirting, but you can’t help yourself.

“I’m thinking it’s mostly the ‘troll’ part he’s caught up on.” Karkat grumbles. Okay, so he didn’t admit to flirting, but he also didn’t yell at you for bringing it up. That counts as a win, probably. 

“He probably thinks I’m just some white boy, too. Can’t even blame him for being pissed about gentrification.” You respond. 

Karkat does a three-sixty backflip from pissed to sympathetic, “You aren’t white.” 

“Fuckin’ albinism makes people think I am.” You tell him. 

He’s quiet for a few seconds, shifts himself closer to you and says, “You’ve never talked about this before.”

“Yeah, well, it’s hard feeling connected to my culture when me and my siblings don’t know jack shit about it. Only thing I’ve got going for me is being fluent in Spanish.” You explain. 

“I know I get kind of carried away with my activism for Alternians. I don’t want you to think it means you can’t talk about your own shit, too, Dave. Human culture isn’t exactly my strong suit, but I’d have to live under a fucking rock not to know shit isn’t harder for humans that aren’t white. And I know the albino thing comes with a whole fucking spattering of health concerns, and I know you manage to be stealth most of the time but I’ve seen you get hit with some major transphobic bullshit and-“

You cut him off, “I know you care, Karkat. It’s whatever.” 

“I’m just saying you can talk to me.” He reassures you. 

This time, you’re the one inching closer to him, “I know, man. I will.” 

It’s the first time since you dumped him that he’s encouraged future emotional intimacy from you, not just in-the-moment pretend-it-never-happened talk. It’s giving you this stupid glow in your chest that you can’t quite figure out how to quiet. Maybe this is the time to just roll with it. 

“Hey, Karkat. If we’re being all open right now, I’ve got some shit to say to you.” You begin. 

You feel his breath stop in his chest, and then pick up again, “Like I don’t know exactly what you’re going to say. But yeah just fucking go for it.” 

“I love you, Karkat.” Welp, shit. There it is, out in the open. 

“No, really?” Sarcastic little prick. 

“Man, shut up, I’m trying to be serious. I know I fucked up really hard last year, and you’ve got about zero reason to trust me. And the whole Mituna thing was really a bummer like, wow, still kinda hurts for me. But I love you Karkat. I fucking want to be your boyfriend. And that shit is pretty much never going to change. You know. Ever. Or whatever.” You’re like ninety percent sure your heart has stopped beating. 

“Mituna sucked for me, too.” Karkat replies all soft and out of character. 

“If that’s some sexual innuendo I don’t know if I’m ready for that shit bro.” You half-joke. 

“Fuck you dickmunch. It was awful for me. He just, needed me. And after you pushed me away it was nice to be needed. But I cried all the time. After he’d touch me. I don’t know if he knew. I hope he didn’t. God, it’s fucked if he knew.” He’s leaning into you even harder now. 

“Kat, fuck. Did your friends know how awful you felt that whole time?” You ask him. 

“Fuck no. You’re the only one I’ve talked to about this.” He admits. 

“Did you… I know sex hasn’t always been the easiest thing for you, man. Was it ever like that with us?” You question. 

He laughs, “No, asshole. I am not some damaged crybaby. Fucking him just made me miss you.” 

Yeah, your heart has definitely stopped beating. 

You sit too close together in silence until Karkat is finished with his food and says, “Let’s go back to my place.” 

Right. You’re just supposed to be driving him home. Moment over. 

Or maybe you can fabricate this moment right back into action. You’ve got the romance of the warm Spring air pulsing in through your open car windows, you’ve got an iPod, you’ve got an intimate knowledge of the music that makes Karkat’s knees weak. 

Okay. You’re doing this. You are going to emo romance song him back into your arms. Hell. Fucking. Yes. 

You turn the music up, and put on one of his guilty-pleasure bands: Secondhand Serenade. 

“Oh my god Dave, you are so dramatic.” He teases. Your right hand is resting on the Center Console. His left hand casually slips next to it, the skin on the backs of his fingertips lightly resting against your own. 

Your breath catches in your throat. Holy shit, did your terrible plan straight up just work? You’re internally flipping your shit, but you try to keep it together, focusing on the way your pinkies are totally almost-intertwining. 

He still hasn’t said anything and you don’t want shit to get awkward when the song ends, don’t want to give him a chance to second-guess himself, so you immediately flip on one of your favorite romance songs. Probably you should make a move, full out hold his hand or at least mention the sexual tension going on, but he beats you to it. 

“Strider, are you using fucking Childish Gambino to try to woo me right now?” Karkat laughs with only a bit of bite behind his words. 

“Oh, I’m sorry, should I have switched to T Swift instead?” 

“I swear to god I will exit this moving vehicle if you have anymore negative bullshit to say about Taylor.” 

He flicks the back of your hand when you start cracking up. 

You take the long way back to his place. The very-long way. The purposefully-driving-way-out-of-the-way way. Your hands touch the entire time, and he sings every song you put on and laughs at your attempts to rap. It smells like pollen and the mint from the gum you’re both chewing and the weird air freshener that’s been on your rearview mirror for five years. When you caution a glance over at him from behind your shades, you can almost convince yourself you’re both still in school, that you’re on your way to pick up TZ to go to a movie or some shit, that you haven’t been through this battle with depression, that his heart was never broken, that yours wasn’t either. 

You decide that, maybe, you don’t want to pretend. 

You hate being broken up with him. You miss him every goddamn day. But there are moments with him you wouldn’t give up, moments you hadn’t had yet before all this shit went down. 

You’re glad you know how supportive he was during your depression. Even after you’d fucked him over completely, told you never to call again, he ran to your house the second he thought you were in danger. You’re glad you know you’re still the one he runs to when he’s a wreck, too. He still thinks of you as the Mayor’s second dad. And, fuck, he’s gotten successful without having to worry about your bullshit all the time. So have you, sort of. You’re getting there, at least. 

You’ve put each other through hell, but you’re convinced you’ve both come out better for it. 

You hope he agrees. 

You guess you’re about to find out. 

Maybe it’s dumb, but there’s something about this moment that’s making you think “now or never”. If he doesn’t trust you today, he’s never going to. This is your last shot, Dave. Don’t blow it. 

“So, here we are. Can’t believe there was parking outside of your apartment, dude. Straight up miracle right here.” You roll up the windows and turn off the engine. 

You feel like you’re giving him plenty of signs that, yup, you’re trying to kiss and make up. 

“Thank fuck, I’m too exhausted to walk far.” 

For half a second, his palm is brushing against your hand, fingertips tracing against your own. You close your eyes, waiting for a kiss that never comes. 

You hear the passenger door slam shut. 

Holy shit. No. No no no. You were not expecting this. You were not expecting rejection, not expecting a chaste handhold to be the most intimate thing you ever get to do with Karkat Vantas ever again. 

You’re going to vomit on the steering wheel. Rose’ll kill you. 

God, is this it? Is this the end of your relationship with Karkat? 

There’s tapping on the passenger window. You lean across the seat, roll it down manually. It’s Karkat. 

“Dave, what the fuck is taking you so long? I thought you were coming inside, dipshit. Hurry up.” His words are sharp, feigning annoyance, but you see the smile in the corner of his eyes. 

Oh. 

He was inviting you inside. 

“Hold your goddamn troll horses bro.” You say back to him. 

You’re too nervous to say a goddamn word to him as you watch him unlock his apartment door. It’s not like you haven’t hung out with him at his place- your old place- a thousand times platonically over the past few months. Maybe this doesn’t mean anything. 

“Oh, shit, street cleaning is tomorrow morning. We’re going to have to wake up early as shame globes to move your car.” He warns you. 

Okay. So you’re sleeping over. 

“Dude are you kidding I’ll just take the ticket.” You remedy. 

You still can’t read the tone of this evening, don’t know if you should be kissing him against a wall like a couple of horny high schoolers. 

“I know we’ve got more shit to talk about, but you should help me put my air conditioner in first. It’s going to get way too hot in my bed with both of us in there tonight.” You can hear the ‘…’ tagged on to the end of his sentence. His eyes are huge, staring at you with this bullshit anticipation, like he thinks you might reject him. As fucking if. 

“That was one hell of a pickup line Karkat.” You wonder how inappropriate your grin is. 

The only reason you can hear the low growl rolling off his chest is because he’s standing so close to you, “Fuck you, Dave.” 

“Just, come ‘ere”

It doesn’t escape you that those are the words you used the first time you kissed him, back in college, when he was freezing cold and laying on top of you in the snow. You hope he knows that. 

Judging by the way he pulls you down towards his lips, yeah, fuck yeah, he remembers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> surprise theres an epilogue motherfuckers


	31. Chapter 31

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> death cw like for real

_PLAY ME FUCKFACE_

There’s no way you weren’t going to see it. It’s right there on the floor of the foyer, first god damn thing you look on when you step through the door. Half of you wants to know how it got there, who Karkat bribed to keep this a secret and how much money you’d have to offer them to get them to spill their guts about every fucking word he’d said to them when it happened. Your first thought is Dirk- it was always Dirk helping him get away with his shit.

It hits you like it always does, slow and aching, that Dirk is way too old for those games now. Hasn’t been out of his house in years, probably won’t ever be again until some thirty-something is carrying him out in a stretcher. You vaguely wonder how Caliborn will take that. He doesn’t age like humans, weak and frail and pathetic. You wonder if it’ll kill him watching the love of his life die.

You guess you don’t have to wonder all that hard.

If not Dirk, who? One of your asshole kids? Nah, no way in hell the two of them wouldn’t have spilled their guts. Besides, Karkat isn’t sadistic enough to ask his children to carry a secret message from beyond the grave from one dad to another. Maybe it was just a nurse, or the housekeeper, or some shit. Maybe you don’t really want to know. Maybe he’s about to tell you on the CD.

Fuck. You’ve got to pick up this CD off the floor and listen to it. You wish you could say the hardest thing about this was listening to Karkat’s voice, but you admit on your way down to pick it up- knees making an unsettling popping sound- that the worst of it is the physical act of getting it off the ground. You shouldn’t have left your cane by the door.

Your sword cane. Just to be fucking clear. You might be old but you’re still cool as fuck. The crick in your hip has you second guessing that, sometimes.

Alright. Play button. Karkat town. Fuck.

_“Hey douchecanoe. Long time no talk.”_

You immediately press the pause button.

There is something intimately fucked up about this. There are actually a lot of things intimately fucked up about this. You’re having a hard time piecing them all together. Or, okay, no you aren’t, they’re kind of staring you directly in the face. Kind of like Karkat was doing, an hour and a half ago, when he took his last breath in a hospital bed while you blabbered at him inconsolably about how much you loved him. And now he’s just here, talking on this CD without the muffle of a breathing tube, and you’re just supposed to be cool with it?

You aren’t cool with it. You miss him. God, shit, fuck, you miss him.

Maybe that’s hitting you for the first time since you left the hospital. He wasn’t in the passenger’s seat on your drive home, and he isn’t on the sofa next to you now, and he won’t be in your bed tonight, and you’re never going to see him again. There’s this feeling in your chest, this ball of despair you can’t choke down.

Part of you wishes you’d died first.

The rest of you is happy he never had to feel the way you do now.

You press play again.

“ _So probably you’re a fucking mess right now. Or you’ve been snooping through my things again and are listening to this before I’ve died, in which case wow asshole, fuck you, this was supposed to be a beautiful goddamn surprise to get you through the rest of your meaningless existence without me._

_Right, maybe I should be being nicer in case I am dead when you’re hearing this, like I’m supposed to be._

_…._

_I don’t really know what I’m supposed to say from beyond the grave. Shit, this is awkward, god fucking damn it, you’d think I’d have gotten used to the sound of my own voice by now but you’d be wrong._

_Maybe just, tell me how you’re feeling or something. I’ll shut the fuck up for ten seconds so you can do that insane thing where you talk to yourself but pretend I’m there. Go for it.”_

“Uh wow past alive Karkat I think I feel like complete shit because I just watched you die in my arms and now you’re talking to me on some CD like it’s 1995. Where’d you even find a CD man? Did you just do it this way because you know how much I like retro shit? Couldn’t have recorded a video? Most famous documentary filmmaker in the world couldn’t stand picking up a camera so his grieving husband could see his face one last time?

“ _Okay okay shut up that’s enough feeling sorry for yourself. You realize I’M the one who died, right bulgefucker? Fuck. It’s still weird to me, knowing I’m going to die soon. I feel FINE right now. I realize it’s asinine for me to ask you how bad it gets, time travel isn’t a thing, you can’t exactly answer my fucking questions from the future. I don’t want for it to have gotten bad. I don’t- I don’t want you to remember me dying in a hospital bed. Fuck. Fuck.”_

Karkat sounds awful, miserable, terrified. You can’t believe you weren’t there for him. Get your shit together, past Dave, your husband is crying by himself somewhere.

“ _God okay I should stop making this about me. So, fuck, I have this whole plan where I make you a bunch of CDs so you can still hang out with me or whatever even after I die, and maybe that’s stupid, but they’re going to be in my bedside table labeled with appropriate times for you to listen to them. Okay. Uh, bye, I guess. Fuck. Dave, I’m really sorry I’m dead. I’m sure you just heard actual current me say this, hopefully, before the dying, but, fuck. I know I’m a little shit most of the time, but I love you Dave. I’m so fucking happy that we got to spend our lives together. Really, really, I love you.”_

You have to take off your shades you’re crying so hard.

You play the tape another six times before hobbling upstairs to check his bedside table. Yeah, there are more CDs in there.

You wear one of his shirts to bed. It still smells like him. You aren’t entirely sure it makes sense to you that he doesn’t kiss you goodnight, that you don’t find his arms wrapped around your torso in the middle of the night.

It hurts worse in the morning when you wake up to Rose’s phone call, and realize the love of your life isn’t making you breakfast in the kitchen, isn’t singing dorky songs in the shower, won’t be there to help you make arrangements for his funeral.

Somewhere, his body is cold and alone.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

 

_FOR MY FUNERAL_

_“Alright Strider, looks like you’re at my funeral. That’s probably really shitty for you. Should we also take the time to talk about how you’ve got headphones in listening to a Walkman at a formal event? So inappropriate. You’re welcome for buying you the Walkman, by the way. I know how you like ironic nostalgia.”_

Today is not going so well. You effectively left the entire funeral in charge of Rose and Kanaya because fuck if you could concentrate on anything besides Karkat being dead. You are one hundred percent being rude as shit right now, listening to this recording of Karkat’s voice while Eridan stands by his coffin blubbering about how hard it is being a highblood and watching all your lowblood friends die. But hey, Karkat’s wishes, right?

_“Okay so I obviously don’t actually know what shit show you’re looking at right now, but I plan to make this day as hilarious for you as possible. I know we’ve got our grand tradition of shit talking everyone at any event we ever go to, and I don’t see why that should stop just because I’m dead. Alright. I’m going to start listing people and things I’m assuming are wrong about them. Maybe you can make a game about how good I am at guessing how awful our friends are._

_Okay first of all I’m assuming Eridan is taking up the spotlight here, like it’s his goddamn husband that died. Oh, shit. Did Sollux die before me? We’re kind of racing each other right now. Wonder who’s going to win that bet. If Sollux is there, flip him the fuck off for me.”_

Sollux is not here. You took a wheelchair-bound Karkat to Sollux’s funeral three weeks ago. Karkat was a hell of a lot less smug about his bet to outlive his best friend when the time actually came to do it. That, and all the painkillers he was on made it hard for him to feel much about anything.

_“Anyway, Eridan being a drama queen, definitely in some nooksucking out of control outfit. Next._

_Kanaya and Rose are definitely pulling that ‘I pity Dave, it’s too bad he and Karkat weren’t models of perfect health like we are, maybe if Karkat just went to yoga with us more often he’d still be here’ shit. Pretentious shits. Next._

_Nepeta and Equius, both still completely unable to hop off their diamonds long enough for either of them to fill any other quadrant. Nepeta’s probably crying or some bullshit, but if you look closely Equius is the one who’s actually flipping his shit watching you because he knows he’s going to outlive his lower-blooded moirail and be in your exact fucking position one day. Next.”_

You take a look at Equius. Dude still looks like he’s in the prime of his life, young and tall and limber. Not that Nepeta looks awful or anything- she’s still better off than Karkat was, better off than you. But she’s ageing faster than Equius, it’s painfully obvious now that Karkat’s brought it to your attention. He might be weird and gross, and he might have fucked your brother out of a lot of money when their medical technology company took off and left Dirk behind, but it still makes you uncomfortable to see him like this. If there’s one thing on this fucking planet Equius loves, its Nepeta. He shouldn’t have to watch her die. You shouldn’t have had to watch Karkat die.

_“Okay fuck who else would even come to the funeral? The kids, obviously. I don’t think- yeah, nope, absolutely not, I can’t start talking about our daughters right now. Next._

_Do you think our old friends will show up? I guess you don’t have to think, you’re there literally watching. Aradia, Feferi, Tavros? Shit, I haven’t seen Tavros in years. He’s the only one of them I really miss, I think. Hell, is Aradia even still alive? You think her matesprit would have called us if she died? I guess I could look that up still._

_Maybe this making fun of people thing is depressing._

_Oh shit, can I guess what YOU’RE wearing? Making fun of you is always hilarious in every universe. Okay, definitely red because you’re an inappropriate fuckhead. Probably my shoes. At least three items of velvet. That fancy pocket watch I got you for your 50 th birthday that hasn’t actually worked in six years. Obviously the Signless necklace you made for yourself way the fuck back in college. Shit, are you burying me with my record chain? Or are you keeping it? Fuck. I don’t even… fuck. I hope I still have it. I want you to be with me when I- _

_Shit, I shouldn’t have mentally gone there.”_

There’s a pause in his speech. You’re choking back tears behind your glasses thinking of the record pendant that is definitely hanging from the neck of his corpse. Of course you left it with him. Dude hasn’t taken it off since your brief ridiculous breakup when you were both asshole twenty year olds. You weren’t about to pry it from his dead body. That’s just messed up. Besides, you’ve got to match your best bro necklaceways, even in death.

_“Okay okay I’m pulling my shit together. I’ve distracted you from the depressing festivities enough. Go mourn my corpse or something like you’re supposed to do. Say some nice shit about me. I’d better see tears, Strider. If I don’t, my ass is going to haunt the shit out of you. And not in the cute ‘oh my ghost husband came by tonight for a quick fuck’ way. I’m going to scare the living hell out of you. Jump out of your toaster, knock the bookcase over, set your alarm clock to ring at three am. Shades off tears out, dickbag.”_

The sound of his voice comes to a crashing halt, and you’re stuck there listening to your own inappropriate laughter as you stare down the casket of the only guy you’ve ever loved.

 

_FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY_

_“It was inevitable that I was going to croak before your birthday, I fucking guess. I know ninety was this whole big thing for you. I got you a present, left it with the girls. You’re masochistic as hell so I imagine you put this on the second the clock hit midnight, so they’ll probably give it to you tomorrow. There’s a sappy card I cried all over and everything. You’re fucking welcome.”_

You’ve gotten real used to listening to these. Karkat made, like, fifty of them. You’d make fun of him for being such a romantic dweeb if, you know, he were around for you to do that.

_“Right so anyway, happy birthday asshole. I thought you’d enjoy a list of my top five birthday celebrations we’ve had over the years to cheer you up._

_Okay the first one is just me being a nostalgic buttmunch, but the first time I visited your ridiculous family when you got your top surgery. I know we were still in our bullshit pretending we weren’t dating faze- holy fuck, that still cracks me up- but it fucking took my breath away to be around an actual family for a change, and that you all actually gave enough of a shit about me to celebrate my birthday- ugh, whatever._

_Number two obviously was your sixty-second when we were in Japan for my conference and stayed in that hotel with the amazing bathtub. I swear I haven’t been more hung over than I was the next morning, and then they came in with free room service and we got the best couples massage of my life- fuck. Maybe we should do something like that again, before I, uh, you know. Keel over._

_Fuck._

_Okay I don’t even remember whose birthday this was, but the time we ended up on a boat with John eating cupcakes with that fisherman. I still wish one of us could remember more of what led up to that, besides those shitty cell phone pictures of the bathroom with the broken mirror and John’s shoes strung up on a telephone pole. Still can’t believe he found that street corner the next day and got them down._

_This next one is probably cheating because it’s neither of our birthdays. It was one of the kids- is it terrible I can’t remember which? All those grub wriggling day parties blend the fuck together, with the cake and the screaming. But that time the company forgot to pick up the bounce house and we fucked around in it after the girls went to bed… and then actually fucked in it, obviously. Surprisingly difficult way to have sex._

_My absolute favorite was my twenty-sixth, though. I was all busy trying to write my first fiction script, and you were deep as hell in your phd, and we both completely forgot about my birthday until six at night or some bullshit, and you’re bulgeshit at apologies so you just tried to make it seem like it’d been the plan all along. I heard you trying to make last minute reservations at some ridiculous restaurant, but then none of our friends could come, and god you really just did everything wrong that night and we ended up sitting on our roof eating Chinese leftovers from the night before and the whole time all I could think about was how in love with this fuckup human I was._

_I still am._

_Happy birthday, Dave._

_Oh, oh, fuck that, one more thing- fuck you for getting my head all used to Earth birthdays, you culturally insensitive swine. We haven’t celebrated my wriggling day in years. I don’t even know when it would be anymore, asswipe.”_

It kind of makes you sick to your stomach that Karkat screaming at you on a CD is the best birthday present you can imagine yourself receiving.

Happy fucking December third.

 

_FOR WHEN YOU’RE MAD AT ME_

You’re cheating on this one a little bit, and you know it. Mad isn’t really something you do, not unless it really fucking matters. Karkat might have been ready to fly off the goddamn handle at a moment’s notice, but you like to think of yourself as calm and cool and collected. You’re totally not mad at your dead husband right now. Annoyed is a better word. Frustrated. Furious. Woah, wait, what? Scratch that last one. You’re just perturbed.

Thing is, you just got a pretty weird call. A pretty weird call from someone you thought was dead. Because your husband- your dear, sweet, precious husband (rip)- told you she died. Thirty fucking years ago.

_“So you’re pissed off, hm? Did I forget to put the toilet seat down before I died? You found my stash of highblood porn? Still can’t beat my highscore on PacMan?”_

You are going to bring him back from the dead so you can kill him yourself.

_“Yeah, okay, shut the fuck up and sit down. I know if you’re actually mad at me, it’s about exactly one thing. Or you’re cheating and listening to this when you aren’t mad at me, in which case sit the fuck down because you’re about to get a little angry._

_So, remember how we had a conversation thirty, forty years ago about Vriska? She was on the run from the cops, they found her arm in some sketchy part of the city with a shit ton of blood? For the record, all of that was completely true. Only part I left out is the bit where she ripped off her own arm to fake her death. She’s been in South America for the past few decades. Dirk and Equius built her a robot arm- guess you’ve got to be mad at them, too, huh?”_

You can’t believe how casual this asshole sounds. You were under the fucking impression you didn’t have any goddamn secrets with him. Karkat knew everything the fuck about you.

_“I know you’re doing your bullshit flipping the fuck out about our entire relationship thing right now, so calm the fuck down. It’s not like I didn’t want to tell you. But everyone else in the situation brought up some poignant as fuck points, like how you are completely incapable of keeping your mouth shut and would get us all thrown in prison. We were so in the spotlight then, with my film career, and it wasn’t about us. It was about Vriska, and fucking over the system, and how the people who were responsible for Terezi’s death deserved to die._

_Fuck._

_I’m still sorry though. I had so many goddamn sweeps to tell you, and I never did. I hope you can forgive me, Strider. But I get it if you can’t. I can leave the tape running if you want to spend the next thirty minutes telling me what a complete fuck up I am.”_

It’s real hard to stay mad at a guy who’s dead. Especially when you didn’t even want to be mad in the first place.

Yeah, hell fucking yes he should have told you about all this sooner. He has a point with your blabbermouth Freudian slip bullshit though. You probably would have spilled that secret to the press in about forty-five seconds. Poor dude had to deal with the both of your kinks being spat out to the media your entire lives, so you kind of get why he wouldn’t want his deepest, darkest, totally-put-us-in-jail shit out in the open.

“I ain’t even mad at you, Kat. You know I forgive you.”

You figure if you can forgive him for the time he got a little overzealous with the cooking and gave you thirty-eight stitches in your stomach, you can forgive him for protecting one of his best friends.

You still aren’t going to call Vriska back. You left your capacity to handle Serkets somewhere in your thirties.

“Hey, Strider.” You jump about fifteen feet in the air. Fucking shit, you’d know that voice anywhere. How did she _get inside._

“Oh, cool, the ghost of Vriskas past. What a nice surprise. Thanks for breaking into my house, bro, that is totally a chill thing that you did.” It was stupid that you thought you could just not call Vriska back. Honestly, it was stupid that you thought Vriska was actually dead all that time.

“If you’re done crying along to your sad little CD, we’re going to discuss our new living arrangement, and how we’re going to work me into your will even though, legally speaking, I’m dead.” Her smile is just like you remember it. You’d feel nostalgic if it weren’t for the goose bumps.

“Of course we are. This definitely seems like something that would be happening to me. We just gonna head on down to my lawyer? You can mind control him in to giving you my house?” You joke.

“Glad we’re on the same page.” This time, she doesn’t give you her own smile, she gives you Terezi’s.

Seventy years later and that’s still the death that hurts you the most.

 

_FOR WHEN YOU HAVE TO DO THE LAUNDRY ALONE_

_“Alright shitstain I’m going to make this one short and sweet for you- hell yeah I used to do all the laundry, you’re messy as fuck and no amount of nagging would ever get you off your lazy ass to the Laundromat. But, guess what doucheweasel? You’re loaded. Money falling out of your goddamn ears. Call a laundry service, idiot.”_

You feel a little bit like all of the insults he just called you for not being the one to think of that. Welp.

 

_FOR WHEN YOU MISS ME_

You’ve been putting this one off for awhile. It’s stupid, really, because you always miss him. You missed him the second his grip loosened on your hand in the ICU, when his eyes went all dim and his breath stopped coming. You missed him on the car ride home, when you fingertips instinctively reached for his on the passengers seat, when he wasn’t there to grab you back. You missed his singing when you turned on the radio, missed the sound of his feet stomping upstairs, missed the uncomfortable heat that would radiate from his body while you slept, missed his morning breath and obnoxiously long showers, the precise way he’d squeeze the toothpaste, his hands on the back of your neck, the hilarious internet quizzes he’d email to you when you were sitting two feet apart from each other, the way the crook of his neck smelled when you’d plant kisses on it, the rose of his cheeks, the red of his eyes, the pitch of his voice.

Yeah, yeah, you’ve been missing him. This could have been the first CD you played. This could have been the only CD you played, over and over, just missing the living hell out of him until your body got the god damn picture and followed him into death.

You kind of feel like he’d be pissed off if he knew that about you, that you were all set on dying without him. It’d be different if he’d died younger, you think, when you still had stuff to do, art to make, places to go, things to discover. Now it’s a goddamn chore just mustering up the energy to go out for a haircut.

Ain’t like that depression shit ever just kicked the bucket, either. Was usually a hell of a lot more manageable than your first dark encounter with it but, hell. The line between acceptable grief and passive suicidality seems to be getting hazier every day.

Your complete reliance on a cane and the shooting pain running up your spine every time you stand up doesn’t have you very interested in getting over it this time, either.

It’d kill the girls, though, losing both their fathers so close together. Maybe Karkat’s got something magical on this CD that’ll have you looking forward to waking up without him tomorrow.

“ _Hey… Dave.”_

Oh, god, no. You haven’t been listening to these in the order he made them, but it’s obvious when you’re listening to a later one. The earlier tapes are all Karkat like you remember him- angry and yelling, full of life and passion with his voice all high and raspy and his rants coming out like perfect poetry.

And then there’s the later ones. The ones where it’s obvious he can’t quite breathe, the ones where a tube eventually sits itself in the way of his tongue to help him breathe, the ones littered with the beeping of hospital machines. It never made sense to you, the way he got sick. Doesn’t make any more sense to you having to listen to him die all over again, out of order.

“ _This is kind of a… big tape for me. Penultimate. Only one more… to go. I wanted… honestly this was the first tape I thought to make. The… fuck this breathing tube JESUS…”_

He spends thirty seconds coughing and kills you, the same way it did when you saw it in person. It has you thinking back to those three weeks you spent at the hospital with him, squeezing into that tiny bed or konking out in a chair next to him. He must have made this on one of your food runs in the city- you wonder, now, if part of the reason he refused to eat hospital food was so he’d have time to make these for you, the considerate bastard.

_“That being fucking said, I have no idea what I’m… what… what I’m supposed to say here. I just want you to get back… current you, my current you, past you, whatever. I don’t want to die, Dave. I’ll miss… I’ll miss you too much. I don’t… want… I don’t want to die.”_

That’s all there is, the whole tape. You still have six you haven’t listened to. It’s killing you knowing he spent so much goddamn time thinking about what your life would be like after he was gone.

You knew you didn’t want him to die. You guess you just never realized how badly he didn’t want to leave you, either.

God damn it, Karkat Vantas.

 

_THE LAST ONE_

It comes in the middle of the night, four days and thirteen months after you said goodbye to Karkat on his hospital bed. Through the burning wreaking havoc in your chest, down your left arm, there’s only one thought on your mind: you still have one tape you haven’t listened to, one relic from Karkat that you’ve got to finish.

You knock your phone onto the pitch black of the floor in an attempt to grab the final CD from its resting place in Karkat’s bedside table.

There goes calling an ambulance.

You get it into the player, though, and collapse onto his side of the bed after hitting “play”. His side of the bed that still smells like him, a year after he’s been gone, where you still find dark, thick troll hairs. The side of the bed you haven’t felt at home on since he died.

The pain is getting worse. You think that, maybe, it’s getting harder to breathe, like everything is closing in around your chest.

“ _…Dave… its… I’m, fuck. I wanted… to be able to say… more. But talking… is killing me. Ha, fuck, ow, literally, I guess. I… I thought it’d be nice to show you this tape I’ve been hiding… for years… especially since I can’t… I can’t…. talk much. Shit, but, I guess that this is the last time you’re… going to hear me say something new. I just… fuck. Dave Strider, I love you.”_

You’re crying, choking, literally choking, literally struggling to bring air into your lungs because god, god, you love him too, you always fucking have, and if you ever needed to hear him say that to you it was now, as you lay literally on your deathbed in the throes of a heart attack.

And then the music starts and you very suddenly know exactly what tape he’s referring to.

A fucking lifetime ago, when you’d first started dating, you’d dragged him to the recording studio at college and made him sing for you. He took the recording, never let you listen to it, promised you he’d lost it.

But here you are on your guitar, seventy years ago, strumming along to the most brilliant voice you’d ever heard. You remember, back then, thinking that you could die right there, listening to his voice, his song, his everything.

You just didn’t know how right you were at the time.

_“Well I've heard there was a secret chord, That David played and it pleased the Lord. But you don't really care for music, do you? Well it goes like this: The fourth, the fifth, the minor fall and the major lift, The baffled king composing Hallelujah._

_Hallelujah_  
Hallelujah  
Hallelujah  
Hallelujah

_Well your faith was strong but you needed proof. You saw her bathing on the roof, Her beauty and the moonlight overthrew ya. She tied you to her kitchen chair, And she broke your throne and she cut your hair. And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah_

_Hallelujah_  
Hallelujah  
Hallelujah  
Hallelujah

_But baby I've been here before. I've seen this room and I've walked this floor. You know, I used to live alone before I knew ya. And I've seen your flag on the marble arch, And love is not a victory march, It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah_

_Hallelujah_  
Hallelujah  
Hallelujah  
Hallelujah

_Well there was a time when you let me know, What's really going on below, But now you never show that to me do ya. But remember when I moved in you, And the holy dove was moving too, And every breath we drew was Hallelujah_

_Hallelujah_  
Hallelujah  
Hallelujah  
Hallelujah

_Maybe there's a God above, But all I've ever learned from love, Was how to shoot somebody who outdrew ya. And it's not a cry that you hear at night, It's not somebody who's seen the light, It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah_

_Hallelujah_  
Hallelujah  
Hallelujah  
Hallelujah”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uhhh so apparently i dont know what happiness is 
> 
> i love you all so so much. never would have gotten all this typed out without your ridiculous support. seriously, seriously. 
> 
> i am going to try very hard to start working on a new story, because i miss this, and all of you. life just gets you down sometimes, but i really love my ao3 fam <3


End file.
